A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students, "Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"

"Yes sir," the student says.

"So you believe in God?"

"Absolutely."

"Is God good?"

"Sure! God's good."

"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"

"Yes."

"Are you good or evil?"

"The Bible says I'm evil."

The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."

"So you're good...!"

"I wouldn't say that."

"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"

The student remains silent.

"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"

"Er...yes," the student says.

"Is Satan good?"

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."

"Then where does Satan come from?"

The student falters. "From God"

"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"

"Yes, sir."

"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"

"Yes."

"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."

"So who created them?"

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."

The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"

"No sir. I've never seen Him."

"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"

"No, sir, I have not."

"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"

"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."

"Yet you still believe in him?"

"Yes."

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"

"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."

"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."

"And is there such a thing as cold?"

"Yes, son, there's cold too."

"No sir, there isn't."

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees."

"Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

"What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?"

"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?"

"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word."

"In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?"

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?"

"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought."

"It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it."

"Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean."

The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.

"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir."

"So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."

"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"

Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

This was actually fun =)



1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.


IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
As Your Voice Fades - Emery

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Age of Loneliness - Enigma

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Every Morning - The Cranberries

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Dark Center of the Universe - Modest Mouse

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Never There - Hoobastank

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Venision - Deftones

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
When Your Around - Reliant K

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
Heaven's Already Here - Collective Soul

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Breakdown - Mae

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Standing - VNV Nation

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Roseta Stoned - Tool

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Jukebox - Ani DiFranco

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Space Travel - Yellow Card

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Ice Queen - Within Temptation

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Cat and Mouse - The Red Jump Suit Apparatus.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Youth - Collective Soul

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Rhinoceros - The Smashing Pumpkins

WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME?
Pandora's Box - Collide

001: Name: Serif
002: Nickname: Matt
003: Country of living: USA
004: Birthdate: 10-9-87
005: heigth: 6"1
006: Eye colour: Gold
007: Shoesize: 12 US
008: School/work: My work is alot like a school =)
009: Do you smoke: No
010: Hobbies: Studying, reading, piracy, exploiting electronics, gaming, pretending I'm in Sweden.
011: Brothers/Sisters: 1 Brother
012: Relationship: No, well... Erm... Not yet =)
013: Piercing(s): Had two anti-eyebrows, but I took them out.
014: Tattoo(s): Eventually maybe =)
015: Country you want to go to: Sweden
017: Nicest person you met this year: Loullen Coker... A random person who called me =).
018: Person you rather not have met this year: My alter ego.
019: Who would you like to meet: Liv <3
020: Who do you admire most: Anyone willing to admit that fact is only a theory that has yet to be disproven =).
021: Most sexy person: Liv... (Actually, I think sexy is a lame word to use =(, but if it makes her blush, we'll go with it ^ ^.)
022: Favorite Pyama: ??
023: Favorite Car: Don't like cars.
024: Favorite Movie: Any movie with Milla Jovovich in it... The Road To ElDorado.
025: Favorite music: I love most all music =) I'm very hooked on techno stuff right now though.
026: Favorite City(s): Ashland so far. Portland is up there though.
027: Favorite Plush: Gosu
028: Favorite Perfume: The kind that doesn't smell too much =)
029: Favorite Magazine: Popular Science.
030: Favorite sound: Rain on many leaves.
031: Favorite TV-series: Full Metal Alchemist or The Office.
032: Favorite Writer(s): R.A. Salvatore
033: Favorite Nickname: Agent # 918325813501835971365908
034: What is on your mousepad: A glowing blue Razer mouse =)
035: What all is under your bed: Carpet and air.
036: Favorite color: Purple (And red)
037: Favorite Song ever: The Used - The Taste of Ink  or  Death Cab For Cutie - We Looked Like Giants
038: Favorite song at this moment: Snow Patrol - We Set Fire To The Third Bar
039: Favorite food: Fruit =)
040: Favorite class in school: English... =-/
041: Favorite drink: Orange Juice and Blackberry Schnapps =)
042: Lucky number: Liv
043: What do you think is greatest about yourself: Sarcastic personality endorsed by irony, and analytical nature.
044: What deodorant do you use: Lady Speed Stick (Pear).
045: Favorite shoes: Heelys.
046: What time do you go to bed on weekdays: 1 a.m. then wake up at 5 a.m. =(
047: What word do you use most: In the past, probably, "sigh"... Now I think it's "Misse".
048: Most romantic moment in your life: I'll tell when it's over =)
049: Most embarrassing moment in your life: I'll tell when it's over =)
050: You spend your time rather inside or outside: Outside.
051: What do you do on the weekends: Study, look for something to do, clean, read... Play games. Really depends.
052: What class in school do/did you dislike most: In college, probably math... I like math, but that teacher sucked something else =p
053: Your Breakfast: Cereal and/or Orange Juice
054: What do you really really dislike to eat: Meat
055: Pets: What about them?
056: Laugh or dream: Both =)
057: Serious or funny: Act serious to be funny =)
058: Fast or slow: Depends on the situation.
059: You prefer being alone or have relation: Alone with few exceptions.
060: Simple or complicated?: Complicated
061: Cremated or buried: Buried... maybe someone will figure out the whole zombie thing and I'll come back in a bad sequel to zombie movie. I guess if we are ruling that out of the possibilities... I personally don't care as much as the people that knew me and are still alive would... Whoever was closest to me can decide =)
063: Stay up late or go to bed early: Stay up late.
064: Light or dark?: Dark.
065: Speak or Silence: Silence
066: Tall or small man/woman: ?
067: News paper: Slashdot
068: Hug or kiss: Both =) <3
069: Happy or Sad: Happy.
070: Life or Death: Life.
071: Gig or Disco: Gig
072: Left or Right: Both
073: Sausages on top, or on the side: Vegan Sausages I hope =D
074: Dark/ red/ Blonde: Red
075: What would you ask God if you could ask him 1 single question: In all the history of the universe... What really came first, ... Bono or Chuck Norris jokes?
076: You believe in reincarnation: No, not yet =(
077: You believe in Aliens: Yes!
078: When you die, what will be your last words?: So... Your a cannibal...
079: Does true love exist: If you let it...And make it... =)
080: How many kids would you like to have: ...
081: What is the one thing you can't stand: Death Metal
082: Best feeling: Dreaming about Sweden and Liv =)
083: Worst feeling in the world: Waking up and realizing the dream isn't real =(
084: What are you afraid of: Schizophrenia.
085: Are you an emotional person: Sort of, ya =-/
086: Do you ever cry during a movie: During Benjy when I was little =(. But A Walk To Remember, and Bridge to Teribithia almost got me...
087: Your goal in life: Sverige och Liv... Och resand det värld med Liv <3 Misse.
088: What was the promise you made to yourself at new years eve: Null
089: Favorite art-artist: Todd Lockwood
090: As what animal would you like to reincarnate: Ocelot
091: What is the most beautiful part on the female body: Depends on the female?
092: Most original place to ask your love to marry you: A sinking ship.
094: Is there something you miss about elftown: Yarr!
095: Where did you get this question list: Liv's Magical Diary
095: Besides elftown, what do you do most on your PC: Fix other peoples PC probably =(
096: Is there a question you missed in this all: Question 16... Cause they skipped that number =-/

[1] Lose a lover, or love a loser?
... x_x A loser by whose standards? It depends...

[2] Smoke pot, or drink beer?
Cheerleader beers a legal answer?... Well... "legal" as in fair game.

[3] Run two miles straight, or walk eight miles?
Probably walk 8 miles =) I would probably read a book the whole way anyways. Lately my walks are filled with the Swedish language =)

[4] Go to the beach, or have a milkshake?
Beach... =)

[5] Laugh when nobody else is, or not laugh when everyone else is?
Probably laugh when nobody else is =). My sense of humar can be a little morbid at times though =(.

[6] Drink ten cans of soda at once, or never drink soda again?
Never drink it again =)

[7] Have your pants ripped, or get thrown in a trash can?
Depends on where they rip X3

[8] Kiss someone you don’t like or, kiss someone who doesn’t like you?
I guess someone I don't like... I wouldn't want to be the ho hanging all over someone who clearly has no interest in me.

[9] Not take a bath for a week or, take a bath in a lake?
100% depends on the lake =).

[10] Be an only child, or have five brothers?
Five brothers probably... As Keika said, an only child always draws too much attention. I guess as an only child you don't constantly have the opinions and judgements of siblings however... There are pro's and cons in either direction.

[11] Cry in front of 5,000 strangers, or cry in front of your whole school?
Doesn't matter.

[12] Be able to rewind time or, see the future?
They are potentially the same thing assuming you can't rewind to any point you have not already been, like a video tape... Being able to see the future would allow you to change it, as you would know what happens and be able to do things differently in effect., and being able to rewind what's already happened allows you to correct any wrong, except ones that would be your demise.... So being able to predict the future reliably is probably the more powerful of the two...

[14] Die the day after the best day of your life, or live to be ninety?
Hardest question on here, hands down... =-/.

[15] Go skydiving or, go scuba diving?
Skydiving.

[16] Be loved by one person, or have ten people who like you?
I don't want either if I don't like whoever likes me :P

[17] Be fat and pretty or skinny and ugly?
x_o i guess fat... since it's cheaper to work out and take care of myself than it would be to get plastic surgery.

[18] Love and lose or, never love at all?
Never at all.

BASICS
Name: Serif
High school: Coeur d'Alene High School
Middle school: Florence Middle School, Mapleton Middle School, Canfield Middle School, Kalamath Falls Middle School (forgot real name).
Elementary: Rhodendron Elementary, Green Park Elementary, Sharpstein Elementary, Ogden Elementary School, a couple others I don't remember.
Favorite soda: None.
Favorite season: Winter.

LAST

Talked to: Kevin

Shower: Last Night.

Watched: The Office Season 3.

FOR OR AGAINST

Long distant relationships: Generally against... Sometimes it can't be helped however.
Killing people: Against in most aspects.
Gay Rights: For
Abortion: Very For

HAVE YOU

Ever cried over a girl or boy: Yes
Ever been arrested: Yes
Ever had a friend die: Yes
Ever used a gun: Yes
Ever finished a puzzle: Yes
Ever got beaten up: Never
Ever hated someone: No
Ever made a huge mistake: Yes
Ever jogged a mile: Yes
Ever broken someones heart: Technically....

NUMBERS

Favorite number: N/A

PICK ONE

Blue or red?
Both <3 Purple!

RANDOM

Do you speak any other language: Some French, some Swedish, some Sign Language.

I AM

Wanting to see: Liv

How old do you look: Probably like 20/21 depends on if I shave... Sometimes even like 17/18.

How old do you act: Somewhere between 6 and 1000000..... Depending on mood, and circumstance.

Do you have any pets?: My newly acquired cat Stella whom I have yet to meet, but will never let sleep >=p

O.k.... Well, here I am another sleepless night. I could say I can't imagine why...But I would be lying, actually that is all I can do really...Is imagine why. Every interesting part of every day lately seems to be solely inside my own head. Every beautiful part of everything seems product of my imagination which in turn is product of my lifes experiences and delinquincies. So how much of what I understand, see, feel, think...Is actually real? If my perception of reality is consequence to an imagination that exists based on experiences that were imaginatively inspired...Doesn't it loop? Maybe any emotions i'v ever had for anyone weren't anything but a beautiful enigma that my mind created in order to cope with the harsh realism of a world so plain, or a relationship so fake.

I only exist spiratocly...I only feel like I am alive when I can verify it through some external means of self indulgence. Can't I just be content with everything all the time? I am sometimes... I will just wake up one morning and be happy beeing alone, and not care about anyone else in the world... Then I will look for soemthing to do with my newfound contentment and after several (often longevious) moments just standing somewhere staring at something, or whatever, i'll realize that I actually have nothing to do, and then I will be sad again.

I have often solved the many riddles of life within my own head, yet none of them are there for me when I need them, much like the people I always imagined myself beeing around. I can solve anything before me given the time, and the resolve, which I will have if it really interests me or troubles me, but due to my unsure nature, I will always have to check the problem over and reanalyze it from another perspective until I find another such answer. Then I will have 2 conflicting answers for the same problem bubbling in my head and having thought about both of them equally i won't be altogether sure which it is that I truly care for. It is both a curse, and a blessing. In one aspect I have the ability to discard any ridiculous reality concept that I may cling to, without much difficulty to make room for new information; and then on the contrast, I am unable to function on the same standards as the rest of the people on this planet, because I am always certain that there is another answer to the same problem I have already solved, and I know that just because it's not the one i picked, doesn't make it not right... This is why I am always excepting of just about everything I suppose. Nothing comes as a big shock, because in all the time I have for solitude, I cover most every aspect of everything eventually. Few things surprise me, and I am overjoyed to find things that do. I guess that doesn't make it a curse, but you try it for a day and call it a blessing...

And now half way through my initial thought I am bored with typing, so you will recieve yet again, only half, which is more than you deserve.

Enjoy my wonderfully veneer expression. I hope you don't feel the way I do about now =-/.

W H O. W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N . T H A T?



1. You hung out with: Miles....*ponders*
2. Saw you cry: Tears or actual crying? ... *dodges the question*
3. Went to the movies with you? Miles...
4. You went to the mall with? Miles...
5. You went to dinner with? Miles...
6. You talked on the phone to? Jason.
7. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it? My grandma =)
8. Made you laugh? Miles...



W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue? Nose.
2. Be serious or be funny? Seriously funny...Seriously.
3. Drink whole or skim milk? Soy Milk =)
4. Die in a fire or drown? Drown. It doesn't say you would die by drowning ;)
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? Enemies? Parent"s"?



D O . Y O U . P R E F E R. .
1. Flowers or candy? Candy flowers.
2. Gray or black? Maybe a grayish black...
3. Color or Black? Blackish color ;)
5. Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise
6. M&Ms or Skittles? Peanut M&M's.
7.Staying up late or waking up early? Staying up late... =) Figuratively speaking.


D O . Y O U . P R E F E R. .



1. Sun or moon? Moon
2. Winter or Fall? Winter
3. Left or right? *rolls a dice* Right!
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends? Two best friends.
5. Sunny or rain? Sunny rain =)
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? *rolls a dice* Chocolate!



A B O U T . Y O U!
1. What time is it? 6:14 p.m.
2. First and middle Name? Serif Karma
3. Nickname(s): Matt
4. What is your birth date? October 9th
5. What do you want? To travel... <3 Sweden/Lil.
6. Where do you want to live? I don't know yet =) I haven't seen enough to decide.
7. How many kids do you want? TBD.
8. You want to get married? TBD.



U N I Q U E !
1. What do you do when you're Nervous: Miles says, "You talk about traveling is what you do... You're like, "Lets go here!" You get frickin mad wanderlust."
2. Can you raise one eyebrow? Oiu.
3. Do you make your bed daily? Oiu. (Say it with me now...Like a dwarf!..."Oiu!")



R A N D O M
1. Which shoe goes on first? The one I pick up first.
2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone? Yes...
3. On average, how much money do you carry with you? 1 Swedish Krown. (tks Lil)



IN . T H E . L A S T . M O N T H . H A V E . Y O U ?
1. Had a b/f or g/f? Nope.
2. Bought something: Yep.
4. Sang: In the shower? Yep.
5. Been hugged: Yep.
6. Felt stupid: Yep.
7. Missed someone: Yep.
8. Danced crazy: Yep.
11. Gotten your hair cut: I cut a lock off my hair and sent it to Sweden... That count? =)
12. Cried: Nope
13. Lied: I lied to a drunken scrooge who insisted that my hometown had been overrun by mind flayers...

Justification....Not such a difficult concept by mosts standards. The majority of the earths human population utilizes this under-observed word as second nature...Which should I do? Watch a football game? Or go to the movies with my wife/girfriend... Awww...It's my girlfriends birthday...I couldn't justify watching the superball game while she spent her birthday alone, or forbid...someone else. You can insert a similar scenario in just about any situation... Justification is not such an uncommon thing...granted most don't realize they are doing it...Hell, from my observations, a nice majority don't even know what it means...That doesn't deny it's presence...Just it's obviousness to the unsuspecting... It is because of all of this justification in the world, that I am completely baffled....For all of my questioning and observation, inquisition and philosophy...I cannot seem to figure out the human justification to use drugs....Such an obvious affront to the body and mind, so degrading, morally and personally. One of the leading causes of low self esteem even... For most the act of using is result of peer pressure. Some chump wigger thinking he is the koolest thing to ever walk the planet short of Tu Pac, 50cent and Eminem, ends up dealing because his cracked out parents are in jail (ironically for the same thing) and that is all he thinks he can do to gain prestige and be the kool kid in this never ending Highschool state we tend to consider "Adulthood" Well...I regret to inform you chump wigger...Your little more than a blip on my low I.Q. radar. (irrelevent to my points). Do you think he will beat you up if you tell him no? Will you not fit in with this kool chump wigger? Will your friends think you are a pussy? Or do you truly want to insert something into your body, that is given the same name as the nickname for someones ass =p. You know the consequences...Know what it will do to you, you wont be able to think, function properly, you may hallucinate, may feel better than you have ever felt before....It's just an excuse for you do act as stupid as you want, do something completely stupid and still have an excuse...Maybe it's an act of pity...Everyone pitties the people who can't quit...They take pitty on their intelligence mostly, but none the less...Pitty is somthnig a great deal of people enjoy and thrive on...Thrive on the sympathy of others... What I fail to see is...How can these people, these druggies that always tell me that it "expands your mind in a way that makes you think beyond what you normally would..." Well of course it does you fucktards, it is frying your brain cells...I don't mean that in jest...it is literally cooking them, overheating and causing your brain to go A-wall trying to fix this substance induced chemical imbalance...Some say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you are about to die...Ever stop to think that perhaps when you are hallucinating, that maybe, just maybe, you ARE killing yourself? Perhaps slowly...but surely... And your brains reaction is to shuffle through all of your memories and knowledge to try and find a way to get you out of the mess you put yourself in...Just a thought there... I believe that when you choose to take something that makes you happier than you ever have been before, you are actually making it more difficult to be happy normally... Making your normal happiness seem like such a minimal emotion compared to the wonderful things your frying brain makes you feel when you are high... Making every happiness you feel after taking the drug feel...So much less compared to that one High... I was told once, by someone I once considered a close friend in some of my earlier teen years, that he had some friends that did ecstacy and then had sex...For those of you that don't know, extasy makes all of your feelings and nerves over sensative...Like... Someone can put thier hand on your cheek or pinch your ear and it would be almost orgasmic...You can only imagine what it would feel like to some of your other body parts... To continue the story, they experienced the best sex they have ever had...For as long as the drugs lasted! Then sex to them was little more then someone rubbing hteir hand against your face...barely pleasing... I believe that the drugs that affect your happiness have a similar effect like I said above... How can we justify killing or innate happiness, romance, love, intimacy.... For a few minutes-hours of something that decieves us into thinking that it's the best... Are we willing to trade those few hours-minutes for a lifetime of nulled lust and pleasantries? Do we consciously make the decision? Or do we rely on the people that already have to make the decision for us?

  Personally I (Serif/Matt...*Steven is talking about turning this into a bulletin so I may as well tell you where to harass me...* TylfonSerifSent@gmail.com, please only bother me on Myspace =p) have never done anything but Pot...I think my last Pot smoking endevor was about 4 years ago or so...give or take a few months...Then I developped something amazing...Some very amazing things actually...Dreams...Ambitions, goals, morals, ideals, standards, wanderlust, and...something inspired my philisophical mind...I have yet to pinpoint it's exact origin, but it inevitably lead to freethinking...individuality...and, forbit even more of a sarcastic nature... I have made the conscious choice to not do any of these drugs...Yet when people observe me on a daily basis, they swear up and down that I am high or drunk? Why is that? I dare pretend that in my over-eager inquisitions, that perhaps I exceeded to some form of mindstate that gave a joy for the world around me and questioning everything even, and actually most of all, myself... I never argue to win, I always argue to learn....I never get mad or angry, however in place of these emotions I am more suceptable to sorrow/depression... And most of all...I don't hate anyone...It is purely a conceptual emotion in my head...I have been given more reason than most to hate a great deal of people....Yet in self observation, I learn that it is irrelevent to waste your life wishinging someone else wasn't alive... I take a standpoint as kind of...If your doing no harm then you are fine by me... But what justifies pushing this standpoint? At what point can jump this moral hurtle and act in retribution even vengence...I suppose this is an irrelevent conversation in this blog, yet still yields some insight to what goes on in my overaware mind (I dare assume).



  There are many more places I could go with this, and many more things I could pick apart and analyze...But i'm sure I will have irritated enough people for now... Have made enough people question thier own actions I dare hope... *sigh* Idiots =p.

How can I begin to pretend that the decisions I am making are the right ones if I have made so many mistakes on the same choices I seem incessantly floundered with....

How can I justify the actions and decisions I make and do if I am still confused and apprehensive after I make them...And if I can't, then what provokes me to make the initial decision...

How do I choose between what is right and what makes me happy at the time? And more importantly, what separates the two?

Why is it, that everytime I bring myself to the point of making a crucial decision, the key drive in that decision disappears shortly after I engage the process of making it...



All of these questions that I wonder, none of which I can solve....Is it worth persisting them to prominence in my mind? Is it safe for me to try and sustain emotion while I sate the drive in my head that tells me I have to take this 18 credits all at once..And I have to persevere simply because if I don't now, I may never entertain the ability to stick to the many other things I want to do in my life?



Something else that has been bothering me...How can anyone justify selling their younger life to developping a career that will inevitably allow them to retire at the age of 40-45...Or so...How can they make the decision to give their younger life for a secure end life...Isn't the younger part of your life what you base the rest of your life on? The romance...The love...The learning....When you finally achieve your goal of retirement...Are you happy with your choice? Do you share the same mindstate with the former you that originally made the decision to throw their youth away to create the you that now has that amassed wealth...But not the ability to look back at a life enjoyed?

Well....I don't know about the rest of you but personally...I say Fuck this ill concienved ideal....They can take thier money...thier big house, thier prestige, thier counterpart that has long since lost the concept of romance, love, and probably even lust... Take all of these things and die with them...I will take my attempt at holding onto my ideals....My morals that have so described my beeing.....I will take my ongoing search for romance, love, life.....I will take my love for the planet that is not inhabited by the people like you...As seldom as they come....for the forests our leaders seek only to destroy, backed by the corporation you so worked for to accomplish your wonderful retirement plan...I will take my love of learning, my will do do everything that I dream of and entertain in this strange mind that, due to the wonderful chemicals of this amazing existence, allows me to think for myself, and create my own sense of these emotions that I feel....Ones that can't be described by that of the English, or any other language that I have heard of.....I will take my love to help people, and teach people, and show people my own outlook and view on this life and it's counterparts...

I will take all of this over your riches, your land, and your prestige....And in turn I will be happy where you are not....I will be me where you are them....And you will smirk in superiority as you pass me playing my guitar infront of your office building, sharing my music with the world, and I will smile inwardly, knowing that I wold take my life over yours any time of the eternity....

What defines justification? Not just the dictionary definition...but how people come to the conclusion that what they are doing/going to do/have done is o.k? Disctionary definition of justify,"To prove to be just, right, or reasonable," Take the things that sick guy did to that Shasta girl after killing her family... Some one can't really think that is just/right... Can they? And now he sits in his prison cell and smiles at people as they walk by I hear... Just the same...How can girls go to bars every night and try to pick up some guy to take home that night? Does that click as right? Is it their dream to find a smoking alcoholic and possible drug addict for a husband? If so how the hell did that romantic aspiration come in to play? They can't have thought like that their entire lives... At what age/event do they go from, "I want a good guy who can make me laugh." to "I want a smoker with gingevitus, hepititus, cancer, and a bad liver, who drinks and does drugs..." As I myself have such high standards for people in general see something like that as almost a form of masochism... Do they hate them selves or something? I guess who am I to determine that that isn't exactly a "high aspiration"...Everyone wants something differient... But still... What differs in human justification from one person to another? I mean...We all grow up on the same planet right? We all breath the same poluted air... We all see the sky, and the clouds, and the sun, and have swam in the same dirty recycled water... *sigh* I don't know where i'm going with that... I guess I am trying to figure out what I, myself. justify... What differs from what other people see as right and myself.. How can I play games all the time and just look forward to winter so I can snowboard finally... I just kind of dwell in my hobbit hole until I can snowboard Lol...My aspiration for this year anyhow..Other than my college classes...Which I am taking an abnormal amount of... Hope I still have alot of time to snowboard... I am not sure what I really want out of life =p. I am thinking I am just going to go to college here, for fall, and possibly spring, depending on what I need to exchange to France, or Sweden or something... I really don't mind which I go to...France would help me master the language though, so that is my preference... But Sweden... Lil lives in Sweden... And if there has ever been one thing that I have wanted unfailingly it has been to meet her... I can't even think of why anymore... I just know that when I talk to her, my heart lifts yet I get sad at the same time because it seems so far away... I want to be far away though... I wish I could go to India with her! She is going to ride elephants without me... I wish I could be there... I feel bad that I couldn't go there this summer like I siad I would... Now I feel like anything else I say would be uncredible... Like I am just a maybe memory to her =p We don't talk much anymore... I feel awkward when she is online because I feel like I want to say something...But I usually don't...We just kind of... look at eachothers house all the time..in silence... Kit talks to me though hehe, she is hilarious =) her diaries are funny too.. And they usually draw images in my mind of what it would be like in Sweden, and what Lil is like. And she is one of the most stubborn people I have met =).

  On another note... Callie moved away this morning, at 2 A.M. She moved to somewhere in Oregon...She never gave me my books back... That makes me sad... Even if was just going to give them to some other friends anyways.. I love to give stuff away =) It is fun... People seem happier when there is something they don't have to work hours to aquire... Anyways... I went over to see her before she left cause she called and said she wanted to say bye.. So I walked over there bare foot...25 blocks there.... and when I got there, one of her other friends was there... Some major dyke that hates ALL men unless they are gay =p. So Callie just gave me a small hug and we both said bye... She was searching for some hint of sadness in me, I could tell... But there was none... I am happy she is leaving =p. For her sake and mine...

  It feels kind of good to be alone... Not have any real obligation to come out of my home for anyone... I will eventually of course... But I am just kind of basking in lonelyness at the moment... I think it feels good...If only for a little while... Sometimes I get depressed though... Usually when I see Lil on and we look at eachothers house and say nothing... =p Juts kind of sets this dramatic chain reaction off in my head... And I think about how much I think Coeur d'Alene sucks... And how much I want to see the world...With Lil? With Steven? Will DJ be there? Will Kit be there? that seems like it would be the most fun in the world! all 5 of us...Maybe 1 more person, but, all of us just traveling all over the world =). I am too much like Peter Pan for my own good =p. Listening to Green Day - Good Riddance... My favorite songs right now I think are: Blindside - Pitiful, Breaking Benjamin - Forget it, Matchbook Romance - Tiger Lily.

  K... Guess I am done now... Think i'm going to call my mom so we can finish filling out my financial aid crap for college =p.

Poor Diary =(. It's all empty. Well...I'll just have to remedy that....


Well....I didn't sleep...again.....And I know it's not the computers fault, because it happened for the several days that I wasn't around a computer as well...So I think I actually have Insomnia...Unless sleeping once every 2-3 days is natural. I am in Portland right now =) Yay!. Finally away from Coeur d'Alene if only for a little while, depending on my choices.....I don't think I will have to Worry about CDA much longer though....I hear the weather in Paris is nice.....Well....Kinda..... I'm looking for some one to draw....But I can't find a picture...Mostly because I wont look though i'd say. And no way in hell am I looking for one in the search engines, last time alsmost made me throw up right off! Some of the nastiest things you will ever see, on the internet, they are found! *nods* It's 1:00 P.M.....Still awake.....Blast! I need to find a more productive way to spend my Insomnia....I will just title that the time that I should normally be sleeping, or should ahve gone to sleep and haven't yet. I am going to Pacific City today =), then to Eugene on Monday! This "getaway/trip/runaway" has been well worth it id say, I am feeling much better =). And am actually making decisions for once, instead of getting depressed right when I need to make a decision and then not making any at all..... I think I am beeing cured =). But it's all in my head....So I'm curing myself =). *sigh* Back to work on my wiki page thingies.