Dear Diary,

  Well Well, I've come a long way in the last few days. Things seem to be better if not worse. I know what it finally took to be the "old" Mark that everyone loves and adores! Lets tell the tale Shall we?

  Starts out when someone decided that they wanted to see me. Me? Why me? Well i've not figured that out but hey, I had a crush on this person and I felt all special well by the end of the weekend this person had cuddled 90% naked in MY bed with my Roomate person...Well, that got me in a drunken binge...Than to top the cake she madeout with both my Brothers infront of me. That increased the drinking, though after my brothers realized what they had done to me I suppose I can say I feel all that much more bad for them than myself. Well these sweet hearts decided to fuck with the lovley young ladies mind and well...Lets just say, "I'm baaaaack" all 3 of us feel better, I feel better knowing who I really give all my heart to (You know who you are) :P and we have all gotten to a better place...Thanks Chance, Thanks Izzy ^_^ I feel good and happy Tee Hee

Dedicated to...

[Izik] -The cold hearted Bitch
[Morrigon] -Making me feel so good about myself
[kidneythief] -Chance, My brother
[Pillowthief] -Izzy, My other brother

"Haha...Sex...."

To my mom, the fuckin' ICP mom song...fuck yall who don't understand...bitch...

This is for mom
Miss Linda Harwood
Miss Cathy Hill
This is for you.

I respect my mother
With every step I take
She was there for my first step
In the first place
Everybody wants out on their own
Now that I'm grown
I wanna be back home
In a world full of vipers
Only my mother's love was righteous
I feel I've been to hell and back three times
I could never sum it up with these rhymes
Looking for a story to share
With somebody, but they never seem to care
While I'm looking for this person everywhere
I'm slippin', cause my mom is right here
Life moves along so fast
When I see real love at last it's past
That ain't gonna happen to me
I can hear my conscience rapping to me
It's like "Hey, you've only got one real friend
From the cradle, to the grave, and back again."
With unconditional love
That's my mother I'm speakin' of.

That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)

And I know it's true
Even in my darkest time
In my darkest hour
When my heart is blind
And I'm giving nobody respect
My mother's there to put my ass in check
And she don't play that mister famous trash
She was putting them diapers on my ass
She's seen every side of me
It don't matter how thuggish I'd try to be
NAW every week in the back yard
Now I'm in the big time, trying to act hard
What mattered when I looked a years back
Was mamma, bringing the chairs back
Supportin' every dream I got
You best believe, man, I dreamed a lot
Me and Rude Boy, I'm trying to tell ya,
Not a day goes by in life, we don't feel ya
We ain't taking nothing for granted
Mom's lasagna is so good I can't stand it!
Mrs. Hill always greets me with a hug
Now I see where Rudy got all his love

That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)

Everybody around me, they use me, and go for self
They want cash, equity, bank and wealth
Mom puts that on the shelf
All she cares about is my health
It all seems too good to be
As I'm battling life, mamma's backin' me
And she only really wants one thing of mine
Just a little time
Mother, in this world of scars
Money and snakes and labeled wars
Whatever else life puts me through
It's all #2
When it comes to you.
And your love is all I treasure
My real father just didn't measure
He was gone, without a thing to say!
I know he would have failed in comparison anyway.
You gave me 3 times the love
Enough for you, him, and the God above
Rude Boy, his daddy was strong,
Stayed holding on when the ease was gone.
Now a days, everything's all right
Millionaire rocking these microphones all night.
Makin' all of our dreams come true,
And we're full of love, mamma, thanks to you.!
I'm still sorry about the china cabinet
Wish I could bring it all back now, dammit!
Linda, Ron, Cathy and Ryo
We want you to know that we love you.

That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
My love will never change (My love will never change)
That's just the way it is (That's just the way it is)
(Mamma)

Dear Die-ary,

Last night was strange for me, I felt so alone even though the two closest people were here with me. They tried to cheer me up and on the outside I ended up fine but give me an hour or so and I was back to where I always end up being. I thought about my ex, about my lovley Sarah monster, about "Her" and I felt a lot of strange emotion...I thought about my ex and I was full of anger, thought bout my Sarah and felt joy, thought about "Her" and felt sickening pain...I never understood why "She" had to do to me what she did. I don't know if my emotions look like toys but well....they ain't...

Dear Diary,

I see the sickness that writhes within us all a little more everyday, I want to tear my eyes from my body in order to not see this degrading filth...You know what, fuck everyones filthy disease...fuck this, fuck all of it

Dear Diary,

What do we do when our lives start to feel un-relentingly painful, like there is nothing we can really do to to stave off this sick feeling of loathing...I look around and wonder whats going to happen to me, will the world even look in remorse when I die? I don't know, i'm hoping to find out soon...

Breaking Benjamin-So Cold


Crowded streets all cleared away
One by One
Hollow heroes separate
As they run

You're so cold
Keep your hand in mine
Wise men wonder while
Strong men die

[Chorus]

Show me how it ends it's alright
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfied and empty inside
That's alright, let's give this another try

If you find your family, don't you cry
In this land of make-believe, dead and dry

You're so cold, but you feel alive
Lay your hands on me one last time

[Chorus x2]

It's alright [x9]

Another great song...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Everything And Nothing"

We swallow the spit,
Steal acceptance lend denial,
Telling me that my life is free and boundless,
Then I'm forced to stay between the lines,
They construct death to demolish life,
Plant the seeds to harvest loss,
Found empty truth is full of lies,

We're hoping for despair,
Starvation's gluttony,
Subtle chaotic peace,
War divided unity,
Pro life, pro choice,
Blinded insight,
Left wing, right wing,
Black, white,
Leaders following,

I am everything I am nothing,

Stop fuckin' with me, I'm the accused I'm not the enemy
You're so confused no way you could enlighten me,
No freedom trapped in slavery, deceitful honesty mother fuckin' human
not a machine

Lay your hands upon me,
In search for answers inviting,
Constant struggle inside me,
Guide me through this nothing that's everything

I am everything I am nothing

Well, Todays song...Is a little more saddistic than usual, though...it should prove to get you in a mood to kick some ass..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dig"

Dig bury me underneath
Everything that I am rearranging
Dig bury me underneath
Everything that I was slowly changing

I would love to beat the face,
Of any mother fucker that's thinkin' they can change me,
White knuckles grip pushing through for the gold,
If you're wantin' a piece of me I broke the mother fuckin' mold,
I'm drowning in your wake
Shit rubbed in my face
Teething on concrete
Gums bleeding

Dig bury me underneath
Everything that I am rearranging
Dig bury me underneath
Everything that I was slowly changing

I struggle in violated space,
Sell out motherfuckers in the biz that try to fuck me,
Hang from their T's rated P.G. insight,
I ain't sellin' my soul when there's nothing to buy
I'm livid in my space
Pissing in my face
Fuck you while you try
To fuck me

Dig bury me underneath
Everything that I am rearranging
Dig bury me underneath
Everything that I was you ain't fuckin' changing me

Let me help you tie the rope around your neck,
Let me help to talk you the wrong way off the ledge,
Let me help you hold the glock against your head
Let me help you tie the rope around your neck,
Let me help to talk you the wrong way off the ledge,
Let me help you hold the glock up to your head,
Let me help to chain the weights onto your legs
Get on the plank fuck

Dig bury me underneath
Everything that I am rearranging
Dig bury me underneath
Everything that I was slowly changing
Wish you were committing
Suicide suckin' on a mother fuckin' tailpipe
Dead man walking on a tight rope
Limbless in the middle of a channel bombs away

Well, I'm not in the greatest of moods...I do though have another song for this morbid Diary...here we go...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Severed"

And we hide behind,
Lies, anger, Hate they shoo love away,
Build shells of ourselves outside,
It shelters body from cold reigns of reality,

Come on, Step out, of your rind, assemble strength, focus,

Release and run to me you can never look back to the visions from the
past they fade and wilt in time,
You've got to just trust me to hold your hand through,
Then I turn and walk away,

Eclipse you (Cut you away),
And bleed you strip you of your states of ain soph aur,
Eclipse you (Cut you away),
I spit up on my plate and I push everything away,
From me
And we sever all ties,
It creates disruption midst circle of friends,
I become the sacrifice,
Spare your life and leave me to my misery,

Get off the cross, and save yourself, run away

Run now get away from me if I can get my grip I'll pull you down into
the hell I call my head you'll never get away
I sit down in my ugly place and build walls out of fragments from my
past of all the people that I needed and loved that walked away,

You've got to just trust me to hold your hand through then I'll turn
and walk away

I walk under the clouds of gray,
Sphere of storms in my head,

I'm trapped again in endless rain
I divorce the thoughts of you I love with me,
I divorce your innocence and my guilt,
I divorce the lying sellout confidence,
I'm divorcing every mother fuckin' thing
I divorce the love bled meaningless,
I divorce the makeshift harmony,
I divorce the taunting acts of violence,
I divorce the pastime of jealousy,
I divorce control,
I divorce the faith,
I divorce the virtue,
I divorce the rain,
I divorce the excuse,
I divorce the greed,
I divorce the need,
I divorce iniquity in this mother fuckin' bullshit life,
Just want it all to go away,
Just want to run away to die, take it, myself, my life
Text book fucking mental, off me and pitch me in a hole

I'll always be your shadow,
And veil your eyes from states of ain soph aur,
I can't be the hero anymore,
I spit up on my plate and then I turn and walk away,
I spit up on my plate and I disrupt the family,
I spit up on my plate and I sever the entity,
And I feel your warm sun on my face
Separate .

Eclipse you and bleed you strip you of your states of ain soph
aur,
I need you,
It's always been this way, I push it all away,
From me

"45"

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

[CHORUS]

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

[CHORUS]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quite often i'll sit and read those lyrics, to feel myself grow empty each time I do, I know that may seem weird, but honestly I relate to the song far to well...
                                -MarK