Haunted


We will always be haunted by the memory of the person we have come to love the most. Every were we go, and everything we see will cause that persons voice to scream in our heads, “Look! There I was.” Then as we turn to take a second look, images of the past come and flood our senses. What we see makes us weak in the knees, but does not bring us to our knees at least not till a few seconds have past and their scent engulfs us. Sending a shiver down our spine, chilling us to the bone yet warming us at the same time as we shake ever so slightly. Tears start to run down our face as we think of the happiest moments we ever spent with them. The moments lying in bed on a Sunday morning as a cool breeze hits us as we lay there, laughing about this and that. The cat coming in and laying on top us as it purrs and pushes its paws up and down on us, trying to get compatible. Laughing again as one of you tells the other, “You do know that one of these days it won’t just be the cat that is doing this?” Of course every time you experience this you can’t show it. You can make it visible to anyone that is around you. You can’t shed one tear or show any once of emotion that hints at your memory of this person. No mater how much you want to communicate what you are feeling and exercise this ghost, you can’t. Any attempt will lead to criticism and more pain. Some people will just tell you to get over it and not even listen to you and the others, well the others is the ones that really hurt. You have learned to just keep your mouth shut about it and are even starting to let go because you start to meet people that you think you could move on to. But there is only one problem. That person has heard your stories and has seen your pain that the past have caused you. So even if that person had feeling for you and would like to get together with you, they will not dare make their feeling known because they feel that you are not ready to move on, even thought you are. So again you are left alone, in pain and with no support.
© 2004 Sergio Leal Jr.

An observation of beauty at Barns and Noble.  



We got there, got some coffee and found a seat. We were not at our seats for more then ten minuets when Christina started to talk about how she wished books had more illustrations. Its not that she didn’t like reading, she does but she just likes illustrations. So Gabe goes and takes her to see some great-illustrated books. They placed books on their seats to keep them, and went. And not soon there was this couple that sat down across the coffee table. She was a beautiful pretty woman with a guy that just didn’t seem like she was right for. I guess you could call it envy, but she was quit beautiful, and something just didn’t seem right with me about the man that was with her. I just tried to sit there and continue to read a copy of “Queen of the Damned” but just couldn’t really concentrate. I forced my self to read. I often had to reread part because I could not help but listen to what they were discussing. They were planning a wedding.
   I could not help but keep every so often looking up at her face and admiring her beauty. Now here most people would think of me a strange person, but what most people don’t understand is that everything has beautify in it. An innocent beauty, Innocent beauty meaning this, if a person has nude pictures up on their wall most people look at it as a sexual thing. They don’t see the simple beauty in it, the art of it. That is how I was looking at her, as art, as a painting that you couldn’t but keep your eyes off. That is how I view a lot of things, a lot of people. And this is how I was viewing her.
   I began to wonder were I would be planning my own wedding and with who. I was reminded of when I had. But that was in the past and the person that I had planed it with was in the past, and not even worth thinking about. I guess I just started to live vicariously for a moment. Then again not that I wanted to get married right now I just thought was a nice moment and it was a beautiful woman to share the moment with. As I was trying to read again it turned out that the man with this woman was not her fiancé. “I knew it,” I was thinking to my self. The man with her just didn’t seem like he would be with her. I looked up one last time and admired her beauty for what would be one last time, because the next time I would look up from reading they would be gone.
© 2004 Sergio Leal Jr.

I don’t know what has been going on with me lately. I just can’t seem to get to sleep. Lately I think I’m just going nuts or maybe things are getting darker and lonelier I can’t tell anymore. Old memories keep haunting me but its not so much the memories as the emotions that come with it. How everything was good not perfect mind you but things were just fine. Like most people you might assume that I want the person that is associated with those memories back in my life to make me feel ok again, but nothing would be further from the truth. I just want to feel ok. Some people keep asking me why I don’t get medicated and I really don’t have a solid answer for them. I guess it because I really don’t want to rely on a pill. I remember how little it took to make me happy before and it was just a presence of a certain person. I just want to find that peace again with someone and not a pill but then again watching that commercial for adult A.D.D. makes me thing I should get medicated at least for the A.D.D. because my head is just like the commercial says, its as if some one is constantly changing the channel and won’t stop on one station for a min. Well all I can do at this moment is just start to learn everything I can at my internship and wait to take the classes that I need to take before being a substitute teacher. Then with time and if something opens up at the school districts TV station, then I’ll go and get in there full time. Then see were I can go from there, maybe go to Austin or L.A....

What the hell is going on in this world? The Food and Drug Administration on Monday asked 10 antidepressant drug manufacturers to change label warnings to advise closer monitoring of suicidal behavior. What the fuck? I thought the reason that you take anti-depressants is because you were heading into suicidal depression and they were suppose to stop it not fucking cause it. This pisses me off. Here is the article ( http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/metropolitan/2462530 ) Oh well I'll add to this a little later…..