A year ago I ruined my world. I hurt everyone I ever cared about and lost them forever. Now, I'm putting the pieces back together. Even if it takes another year, I'll try to make everything better. The way they used to be. I know it will never be exactly the same but I am going to do the best I can. I want my best friends back. I want to change. I want to be happy again. I want to love again. I want my life back. And I'll do whatever it takes. Especially, if I can get the one that means the most back.

It's the end of MY world as I know it ... the end of OUR world. Of Amanda's, Dad's, Mom's, mine ... everyone in our family is about to change. Mom has been confronted, lying she has told them it was over a long time ago. She does not know that Amanda and I know all about it. Pappaw told her about the debt, which must have upset her. Now, I don't know where Dad is and I have no idea what is going through my head because I can barely fucking think straight ... what to do ... I don't know ...

For fifteen years I trusted you
I believed every word you said
But now I can see the truth inside
Now I just wish I was dead

For fifteen years I loved you
I admired your every thought
But now I cannot listen
Now I see it was all for naught

For fifteen years I needed you
I wanted you to be there
But now I cannot stay here
Now I know that you don't care

For fifteen years I held you
I always kept you near
But now I push you away
Now I see it's you I fear

____________________________________________________________________________________________

"For Fifteen Years" ~ By me.

This is to Sherrie ... my "mother." 

Are you going to be there for my birthday? Are you going to see Amanda's second graduation? Are you going to ever come back? Are you going to ever love us again? Are you going to ever tell us ... why?

"Breaking The Habit"

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight
____________________________________________________________________________________________

I just ... forget it ...

LENNON/CHAPMAN
- Dec. 8 1980
- 11 20 pm
- Shot multiple times
- Guitarist
- Famous band broke up
- Shot from behind
- Died instantly
- Chapman caught
-International news
- Witnessed by wife
- Shot with handgun

DIMEBAG/HALE
- Dec. 8 2004
- 10 20 pm
- Shot multiple times
- Guitarist
- Famous band broke up
- Shot from behind
- Died instantly
- Hale killed
- International news
- Witnessed by brother
- Shot with handgun


RIP John Lennon and Dimebag Darrell

She sat alone in the corner of her world
Tears streamed down her thin pale face
A wilted rose lays at her feet with a note
The note tells of an ended strife
A friend of her's who took his life
Even more her problems grow
For each tear there is a scar
She knows this pain can never end
Her own suicide would solve it all

There are thoughts inside my head
Constant images of being dead
Whether it be with a gun
Or hanging high from a rung
Maybe bleeding myself dry
Overdose I could try
I could just waste away
And never face another day

______________________________________________

Don't pretend you're the only one hurt ... don't pretend it's all your fault ... don't put all of the blame on me ... don't call me cold-hearted ... don't keep pushing me if you want me back ... don't guilt me ... don't ... just don't ...

Hello,
    How are you? I am, alive, I suppose. I am physically alive, mentally? I'm not sure ... I am falling apart and no one can see it. I can't live like this any longer. The only thing that keeps me alive is perhaps the tiny shimmer of happiness that may linger in my future. I have never felt this way before. I thought, that when I started, it was bad. Each one is deeper and no matter how much I do it, it never helps. It ... is never enough. There are exactly 98 from my wrist to my elbow. They consist of words and lines, and such. It hurts so bad, but it feels like ... for once ... I'm in control. But I know I'm not. Not with these sudden shocks of emotion that pull me down into the darkness that take over me. You know what, forget it. You don't actually care ... so why am I talking to you? ... Bye.

A few moments of happiness
A sentence to stop the pain
A simple gesture to pull it all together
A few awkward moments of silence
A sudden smile worth reliving
A jerk in the wrong direction
A few days of disappearance
A growing feeling of sickness
A look or two back to see
A few tears shed in rememberance
A wondering mind searching
A pair of desolate eyes
A few more days to see
A time to learn the truth
A lonely hour to cry
A few moments happiness
                                      torn away

... I don't know ... I just wrote in about three minutes ... I know what it's about ... but yeah ...