It seems that I cannot find the reasons for this pain that I feel each night and passing day. Every time I lay in bed and try to sleep I only cry instead, and for reasons that I cannot grasp entirely. I know that tears are pointless, worthless things that should be nonexistent, but even as I type that my eyes sting. I scream at my brain to stop thinking like this now because it will only make it worse, I know. I simply wish that there was something, or someone that I could turn to and truly believe in. I would like to believe that there is a Heaven where I will be happy and everything perfect to the point that I would look forward to it...but I can't. As much I wish that, I can't bring myself to that single conclusion of faith. However I can believe that there is a Devil. And I fear that if I do not find Faith again that I will be thrown into his merciless relm that is so pondered over by the world. I now believe that the greatest torture in life is Life itself, and as I thought of that single statement, tears could no longer be held back. I am surprised in fact that they do not still fall down my face and into my hands that I look at now with such distaste and reality.
I tamazes me that people look at me and see a happy person whose life is so carefree and laid back that I'd have nothing to worry about in this world.
But if they only knew. Knew how much I suffer each and everyday in a lonely dark room waiting sadly for sleep to overcome my body and take me away from this world, if only for a moment. I keep thinking about those people who say they've seen God himself, and I wonder why them, whose only faults in life were that of wounds that threw them down a path they walked down unwillingly before being thrown back again into this Hell we live in. I almost feel ashamed of myself, because my life is truly an easy one, compared to a billion others around the world. But I cannot change what I feel and how I see the world.
Perhaps there is no Heaven or Hell. Perhaps this world is both at once, combined in an odd manner so that we never know until that last breath. Last breath...just as I typed the words I lose my own. I feel sick now, and weary.
I think I'll go to bed.
I've been doing some thinking lately. About all this talk of...Heaven, Hell, the end of days, death....it's all so dark and terrifying. I started wondering where will I be? What will happen to me? For all the things I've done in my life even this far, can I truly be forgiven for all these sins? Can I ever truly appologize for everything that happens, and be honest? I'm no longer ashamed to say that I'm agnostic (perhaps even atheist) to the world, but to my own family I can never admit such a thing. The Bible holds no truth for me in my mind; only pain and tears.
What kind of world is this now where everything we see we must scrutinize over, then pick at it's bones, until there is nothing left but fear? Where we can no longer trust what was once an immediate truth to all? And what kind of God - what kind of "Saviour" - tells us to beg for mercy on our knees and hope to become a part of their perfect Kingdom, or else be cast down through the clouds, to burn for an eternity in the fires of Hell? I cannot believe that such a place exists.
It frightens me though; I cannot believe in a Heaven, a place where all is beautiful and ideal in my own mind. It doesn't exist to me. But I can imagine Hell as clearly as if I were there.
I fear that if I do not see this Faith that is told of in the Bible that sits untouched on my shelf - as if the pages itself were set aflame and just one touch could kill - that I, too, will be cast down and never see light of day again, only the light of fire.
I know not what else to do. Do I follow what I truly believe, study science and all these things that I know in my heart and mind exist? Or do I follow what I would be forced to believe in?
I am lost, and I fear I cannot be found again.
11:37 p.m.
Tired and a little hungry. Mom's cryin' again (as usual) and acts like there's nothing going on. My bro's gone to Spain and won't be back til Sunday. Dad lives 2 miles away and it's almost midnight so if I tried to go over there, Mom'd freak out like always. *BIG sigh* Why the heck do I even WANT to live here anymore, it's friggin' pointless do just listen to everyone fighting all the time!
...you know? I think I'll write a poem about this...yeah...
Drew my first picture tonight while everyone was out. So very proud of it :). I'm hoping that I can put it on the site but I don't know how yet. It's not too bad, if you ask me, though Sess' eyes and face were a little hard...