Well...today has been both bad and good. First off, I woke up at about 7 am (which is too early for me since Owlie is most definitely not a morning person) feeling, frankly, like shit. Half hour later, I'm sitting on the toilet with a trash can on my lap with the shits and puking my brains out at the same time -_-' Thankfully, it didn't last nearly as long as my sicknesses usually do, so by 10:30 I was back in bed and fell asleep again for about hours--and I felt just fine. But, this meant I had to cancel my piano lessons, again, for the third time in a row :(

However, I did feel good enough to go see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest with aaallllll me buddies (^,^) SO much fun it was, yisyis. Awesome movie too! Just as good as the first, if not even better! HUGE cliffhanger though, so be warned and don't be disappointed. Also, if you feel like staying til after the credits, there's a short little scene at the end that was rather amusing :D

Ah, and then, just a little bit ago, our swamp cooler decided our house wan't wet enough and started spewing water into the main room by the stairs and front door (O,o) If Owlie hadn't've heard it from up here, we could have all drowned! But, now the floor's all wet and Debbie (my step-mother) is frankly pissed at the whole ordeal -_-' But well, at least Owlie was there: saving the world one malfunctioning cooling device at a time. (^,~) Huzzah!

Now Owlie's off to read smutty fanfics--tata!

hehehehe Since I'm in an odd/hyper/very good mood, I decided to post this random ammusing song by an equally ammusing band called Lemon Demon--you may know them by their steadily increasingly popular Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny (with Chuck Norris of course!) (^,^) This is only one of several, most of which I keep on my iPod for such moods as...well, now lol

Alright, these people must all be retarded to be in college and not know what suffrage is.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1103776590118655660&q=women%27s+suffrage&pl=true

Only one person actually refused to sign. That's just plain sad. People like that are what gave blondes and women in general a bad name -_-' Just thought I'd share it with everyone else.

Finally, I have figured out all my personalities and complied a list of them all :D For your convenience, I've posted it here; that way you always know who you're talking to ;)

We often forget that love is not that the person has saved you in ways that you yourself could never have done alone, but rather that they have kidnapped you and you never want to return--nor will they allow it.

(^,~) Just a short rambling there I wanted to say is all hehe Ta-ta!

Hey peoples!! If you're reading this, and you're my friends, then good job! You actually listened to me!! :P

Anyways, just to let everyone know, today marks the first day that I am officially busy!! Not as in I procrastinated for a month before starting either. I've got a paper for Health on Amphetamines, and another paper for Pre-IB Biology on Parinson's Disease as well as a project, all due tomorrow. So, I'll probably be on Elftown today for a while, but there may be long lapses of absence. Hust letting everyone know so you don't all freak out :P Especially Sequeena-person!! *huggles sequeena* hehehe

~Niteness (^,~)

This life is a series of chances. Like going for a night in Los Vegas with a million to spend on any table, any game, anywhere. It all just depends on how you roll the dice. You get one chance at true love, one chance at pure hate, one chance to make things right, one chance to make things better, one chance to live. That's all we can do, isn't it? Live? We people who walk this earth can contemplate our meaning to the point of insanity and still not have gotten anywhere. We can ponder the way others are, and still never really understand. We can write a thousand, a million books, study the vastness of the universe, speak the most eleborate and cogent words ever spoken and believe that we have made this world better, for someone else if not oneself. But it all comes down to living just to live. To live without any other ulterior than to be happy and see the world happy through one's own eyes. And then everything is perfect. The world is seen in so many views, so many ways, and all so different and yet the same. A wonderful world, a beautiful world full of the wonders that we always seek til the ends of our days and never really notice until that point and can greet Death with a warm smile. A terrible, cruel world of darkness and death and so little hope that people lose faith in the blink of an eye and break apart where once they would have stood strong. Where people, like myself as I can now admit, see no reason for such spirituality to exist any longer. And that, in a way, sickens me. It is truly disgusting what humans have down to their own home. I hope only that I will not have to bear it so long as to see it crumble into the very things I can see in my mind that I do not dare to even begin explaining. We do not have a reason for being here. We simply are. No matter what else any other being can say, this is the one, the only, true truth above all else: we are. And this life is. That's all there is, and nothing more.


And as long as this shall remain true, we as humans can only do one thing that should be expected of us:

Live life as if it is.

What a strange thing a human being is. I think it odd that we can claim to known so much about ourselves, and yet I don't believe that there will ever be a way to truly find all there is to know. For instence: tears. We produce tears naturally to prevent dehydration of the eyes and such. But what forces us to cry? If you were to ask that to anyone who thought they knew their anatomy, they would simply say that something in out minds triggers it, a kind of repressed stress that we have failed to acknowledge, a memory perhaps. But why? Why tears? Why do we cry? It doesn't make sense, seeing as how we can do the same just by shutting our eyes tightly. Yet when we feel the need to weep, it is almost to hard to resist.

Another thing is our lust for violence, blood, disaster. Why would mankind wish death upon the world? Why do we want to kill people we have never seen before? What purpose does that server? Why rape? Why shoot? Why thieve? Why cheat? We're such odd beings compared to the rest of the world.

I thought of ants recently, and how cruel we treat them without a single thought. I noticed that we questin our existence, our purpose in this world, wasting away trying to answer questions instead of living through them. Ants, however, are born and already know their purpose. They do it naturally and without question. And in return for their labor, they recieve food, shelter, and company in large numbers for protection. They spwnd their entire lives knowing exactly what tomorrow will be like. Knowing exactly what they are to do when that day comes. And when they die, they won't care.

And we feel the need to kill them for it.

We say that we have the most developed brains in the world, automatically making us the rulers of it. But what if we're too intelligent? It's such an over rated thing sought after constently for an eternity. I find it rather odd that we consider that to be doing something, instead of wasting our time.

In that case, perhaps I should stay on this computer a bit longer (^,~)

All the World's a Stage

This life a theatre we well may call,
  Where every actor must perform with art;
Or laugh it through and make a farce of all,
  Or learn to bear with grace his tragic part.

Palladas, Greek Anthology X

Endure What Life God Gives

Mh funai ton apanta ni-
ka logon to d, epei fanh,
bhnai keio opoqen per h-
kei polu denteron ws tacista.

Never to have lived is best, ancient writers say:
Never to have drawn the breath of life, never
To have looked into the eye of day;
The second best’s a gay goodnight and quickly turn away.

Sophacles, Oepidus at Colonus

It seems that I cannot find the reasons for this pain that I feel each night and passing day. Every time I lay in bed and try to sleep I only cry instead, and for reasons that I cannot grasp entirely. I know that tears are pointless, worthless things that should be nonexistent, but even as I type that my eyes sting. I scream at my brain to stop thinking like this now because it will only make it worse, I know. I simply wish that there was something, or someone that I could turn to and truly believe in. I would like to believe that there is a Heaven where I will be happy and everything perfect to the point that I would look forward to it...but I can't. As much I wish that, I can't bring myself to that single conclusion of faith. However I can believe that there is a Devil. And I fear that if I do not find Faith again that I will be thrown into his merciless relm that is so pondered over by the world. I now believe that the greatest torture in life is Life itself, and as I thought of that single statement, tears could no longer be held back. I am surprised in fact that they do not still fall down my face and into my hands that I look at now with such distaste and reality.

I tamazes me that people look at me and see a happy person whose life is so carefree and laid back that I'd have nothing to worry about in this world.

But if they only knew. Knew how much I suffer each and everyday in a lonely dark room waiting sadly for sleep to overcome my body and take me away from this world, if only for a moment. I keep thinking about those people who say they've seen God himself, and I wonder why them, whose only faults in life were that of wounds that threw them down a path they walked down unwillingly before being thrown back again into this Hell we live in. I almost feel ashamed of myself, because my life is truly an easy one, compared to a billion others around the world. But I cannot change what I feel and how I see the world.

Perhaps there is no Heaven or Hell. Perhaps this world is both at once, combined in an odd manner so that we never know until that last breath. Last breath...just as I typed the words I lose my own. I feel sick now, and weary.

I think I'll go to bed.

I've been doing some thinking lately. About all this talk of...Heaven, Hell, the end of days, death....it's all so dark and terrifying. I started wondering where will I be? What will happen to me? For all the things I've done in my life even this far, can I truly be forgiven for all these sins? Can I ever truly appologize for everything that happens, and be honest? I'm no longer ashamed to say that I'm agnostic (perhaps even atheist) to the world, but to my own family I can never admit such a thing. The Bible holds no truth for me in my mind; only pain and tears.

What kind of world is this now where everything we see we must scrutinize over, then pick at it's bones, until there is nothing left but fear? Where we can no longer trust what was once an immediate truth to all? And what kind of God - what kind of "Saviour" - tells us to beg for mercy on our knees and hope to become a part of their perfect Kingdom, or else be cast down through the clouds, to burn for an eternity in the fires of Hell? I cannot believe that such a place exists.

It frightens me though; I cannot believe in a Heaven, a place where all is beautiful and ideal in my own mind. It doesn't exist to me. But I can imagine Hell as clearly as if I were there.

I fear that if I do not see this Faith that is told of in the Bible that sits untouched on my shelf - as if the pages itself were set aflame and just one touch could kill - that I, too, will be cast down and never see light of day again, only the light of fire.

I know not what else to do. Do I follow what I truly believe, study science and all these things that I know in my heart and mind exist? Or do I follow what I would be forced to believe in?

I am lost, and I fear I cannot be found again.

11:37 p.m.
  Tired and a little hungry. Mom's cryin' again (as usual) and acts like there's nothing going on. My bro's gone to Spain and won't be back til Sunday. Dad lives 2 miles away and it's almost midnight so if I tried to go over there, Mom'd freak out like always. *BIG sigh* Why the heck do I even WANT to live here anymore, it's friggin' pointless do just listen to everyone fighting all the time!

...you know? I think I'll write a poem about this...yeah...see if I might have it here by tomorrow morning...

Drew my first picture tonight while everyone was out. So very proud of it :). I'm hoping that I can put it on the site but I don't know how yet. It's not too bad, if you ask me, though Sess' eyes and face were a little hard...