...I do not wish to be a god...I want to be a Savior...

Waiting patiently
Beneath this pale half moon,
You -
There can be nothing else
In my eyes,
Blind-but for You.
My heart,
Still-yet strives for life.
If not for You -
How might I seek any strength, a will to survive, a spirit to carry all of this hell and beauty we make our existence?
You -
Give me everything,
After every pain and terror,
You Are Everything.
Be my god, and I shall be You.

...I want to die for you...

I want to be Jesus Christ...

something stabbing me in the ribs...can i feel more worthless...*sobs*

I am feeling quite odd at the moment--
And damnit!! I am one sexy bitch!! 
O_o I think I am tired...just a bit...I get silly when I am tired...
It's after midnight, and I really want to go outside and scream profanity into the dark, cold night...No reason, just want to!! Can I?! PLEASE??!!
hehe

I awoke a few mornings ago to my daughter calling: "Birdie! Birdie!? Birdie!!" from her bed to a bird that was singing outside of her window...As if it could hear her...To carry on a conversation with it. It was so cute, I almost cried!! 
My little one is getting so cute and clever and crazy--she just turned three in February!! :)

I did not write these lyrics--a Christian hardcore band called UNDERoath did...and I cried as I read them...these are only pieces of the song...

"Cries of the Past"--UNDERoath
It happened all so fast heavy with sleep my eyes closed
The next thing I remember was crawling out from the car and seeing you lying there
Holding your head and kissing you for the last time
The taste of blood on my lips
Your clothes ripped apart perfumed with gas
It seems like it was yesterday when the rain poured down
I can still hear your screams as if it was happening all over again
Saturday, December 4th that night would become a grave that would crush my heart
Joy and laughter exchanged for grief and silence
Searching for so long to find you and the moment you were ripped from me...
The wind blew your heart over my eyes and I slept for days praying not to awake, but these dreams can only last so long...
Touching your cold hand wishing it would touch me back...
It feels so real like old times but it's nothing, it's nothing

You know what really, REALLY gets on my nerves?? When Elftowners say they are Elfwood artits or writers, yet they leave blank the page links!!! Do not tell me you are an artist or writer, then give me no opportunity to check out your master-pieces...Or is it because you only WISH you were an artist or writer of the Woods?!!!! 
RAAHHH!!! 

YOU ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

What power it is that you have over me!
 You can make me bleed
Or make me burn.
Do as you will...
I am nothing without you to make solid my Shadow.

And all things will bow to me...
No darkness envelops as does mine,
No breeze as cold as my wrath,
No blaze can rage as my hate.

And you will feel nothing
but Rapture...
No sight as captivating as my earth--
My element, my calling, my joy.

Yet...

There is but One who knows my weakness--
My fear...
And I shall perish...
All things will rejoice...

My spirit cries out--
Let the water never greet me,
Let it never take me, and use me,
And enslave me...

...so...sleepy...I miss Elfwood!! *sob* 

My poor, little, Titanium g4 Powerbook is going to die!! A small portion of the lcd is destroyed (the crystals ruptured or something X.x)...And the stripes will spred, and then, good-bye to my Mac!! *sniffles* It is like my other baby. :( VALETEAMO

See the palid flesh
So new, so warm.
Hides the blood,
Hides the spirit,
Hides the darkness.
My home-my body
The knife-my fire.
When the world rushes at my door
And mars what once was my only sacred place
I find my flame,
I find the flesh.
The door flung wide-
The spirit is gone.
And the blood-the blood flows coldly,
now fetid, now soulless.

I am in love with Soul Embraced...so excellent!! Especially, 'cause of the connection to Living Sacrifice, as I have mentioned before.

"Wishing I were dead/ i'd leave all this behind and let it end/ another day blackened by hate/ another night could seal my fate/ it's so hard but i try to live/ to the sky my heart i give/ my god come down and save this soul/ trapped in fear and the unknown/ the darkness surrounds me embedded in death/ taking my last breath/ i've been the enemy/ i am my enemy/ my life descending slowly/ i reach out as i'm drowning/ in emptiness i am dying"--Soul Embraced

Rejoice in all that is dark and beautiful!! Elfwood is up once more!! My heart is singing, not only for this reason; I bought new music today!! When I found out that two of the members of Soul Embraced are actually from Living Sacrifice, I just had to but S.E.'s new album Immune. It is totally descent music--have to listen more to give myself the hook and become obssessed with it! Music makes me feel all...*sigh* hehehe

"The part of me that will become the darkest place of all/ one thought/ one spoken word/ all of this exist unto you/ in everything i believe and see/ that confirms the love we have all perverted..."--LIVING SACRIFICE

"Why did you go away?/ the sun won't come out today/ you've taken my world away/ why did you go away?"-- DOGWOOD

You know, Matt Aragon was a really great album by DOGWOOD. *sigh* Music moves me like nothing else can; I think it is the only thing that I am addicted to--well, there is caffiene but who is not addicted to that in one way or another?

I think one of my coworkers gave me mono: how swheet of her!! Just hope my daughter does not get it!! :P to you katrina, damnit!! 

Yep, just fade into the music for tonight....fading...*.*

I feel like quoting!! Aye!! Quoting some of my favourite bands!!

"do you remember all the bad times/ when precious few were found by my side?/you stood by/ while others whispered word of my demise/ your presence, a comfort in the longest of nights/ I cried and cried and you let me/ hide behind the love you always gave"-- stavesacre
"My assumption that if I could find some way to get back there/ intervention straight to your heart/ without it everything is so perfect/ why can't I just hide the past/ forget about the good times?"--DOGWOOD
"praying heaven will open wide/ and hold you tight/ as for me, I'll be all right...but for now/ i hope you can hear me as I cry/ I love you and good-bye"--underoath
"Nameless faces and sounds/ voices screamin' in pain/ huddled shadows and sirens voices calling my name/ Well I can't sleep but I'm not awake to this hazy dim version of reality"--Strung Out

Is it wrong to want someone? Is wrong to dream of him in the ways I would want to have him? My dreams are only visions; they themselves are not mutinous. I would be, though, if I acted out those scenes I have seen in my dreams. How far am I prepared to take this? How heavily will it weigh on my conscience?
I seriously think the only reason humans are alive is to hurt each other and make each other miserable!!
How horrible am I?

<a href="http://www.geocities.com/teo592/quiz/dragon.html" target="new">

A SILVER Dragon Lies Beneath!

I have this habit of cutting myself...when I get severely depressed or what not. It is an inescapable urge; I have to fight to resist taking the knife to my flesh. When I get really desparate and feel I need the punishment, I make a salt water solution and rub it into my wound--continuously. Am I screwed up or what? Fighting--so far, winning. grrr...he keeps making me feel miserable-I do not want to make him uncomfortable, but all I know is that I want him!! Cannot stop thinking of him. Curse me!