I never thought there was a worse feeling...until a family member makes me feel like an irresponsible and all around HORRIBLE parent. I don't give a fuck about ANYTHING but my daughter!! Why else would i still be in this shit world we call our home?!
My brother can go fuck himself. Yeah, and my mother and father, too.

LIVING SACRIFICE
06.12 Dayton, OH Gathering Ground

Fuck it. Maybe I should stop looking for perfection in something I know is flawed beyond repentance. Maybe, I cannot deal with reality, and maybe I would rather deny the general nature of humans. But honestly, FUck it!!
Does that little bastard know how worthless he makes me feel?? 
Perhaps, I should not build my world around one person--I only need my self and my degenerate mind.
Luckily, I am addicted...lucky for some, unfortunate for me.
There is nothing in me. Fuck him, I hate him!!

Is it time to watch my blood flow once again? Is it time to hate, and push away all that I love...and believed loved me?

My friend's mother Linda is dying. She's had lupus, hepatitis, and endometriosis. I have been told that her days are passed vomitting--or in a haze of Morphine, but usually both. If you ask her how she is doing, she will always tell you, "Fine. I'm doing fine," as she misses your gaze and looks completely drained.
Alicia has told me that no one really knows how her mom is doing or how long she actually has to live. Linda allows no one to go to her doctors appointments with her; not even her husband Les knows how far her condition has gone. 
This woman who I have known for many years--this jovial, outgoing, energetic woman-has been withered in this short time by terminal illness and denial. What I saw in her eyes, even as she looked away, showed me nothing of who she was just months ago.

I shall never leave your side, I whisper into your ear.
And the response is your rasping breath.
The moonlight glints on my sleep-starved eyes: I cannot find the strength to blink and miss one moment of your beauty. My lips pass many times close to your skin, but never to touch. You will burn me.
Inert, the body may only be a vessel, but still a peril. How many times have I been used by all; even you. 
I shall not leave you. My shadow covers you, and you writhe, only to lapse back into the silence of Between. Dare I? No: so, I move not more than an arms reach away. Watching, only watching. Will you sacrifice me, I wonder suddenly? In this state, how could I expect less?
I want to see your dreams, and see that I rule them! Though, I promise you still of my unfaltering companionship, I feel my time is waning. Were I more solid, I might dare...
But the distance will come between us, as it always does. I can never love, just watch. I fade. I fade into nothing more than a whisp of fog, and pass beyond all Life--even further than where you are, my love.
But there surely will be others: there always has been. You will remember me, I fear. 
At least, you may have dreams...

Oh, deliver me! It is coming on again...Please, help me fight this...
*cries*

I am feeling rather depressed...something wants to materialize, it wants to escape or destroy me.

"I can be a hero/ I can be the light"--Project 86
*shudders* creepy little song!

It is within me again...never truly leaves, only lays dorment. It knows the best times to awaken and destroy my sanctuary. My false world, everything I came to understand in a twisted light. This fantasy always falls away, leaving me empty yet sad. 

Amras Galathil (daddy!!)
Nessa Táralóm (me)
Inwë Galathil (my daughter)
Lúthien Galathil (auntie!!)
Galdor Táralóm (my brother)

Hmmm...interesting, Elven names...

I WUB SAFARI!!! It is the bestest web browser ever--and I hear it is only a beta-version... :) 
SAFARI!!!!

The wind is strong tonight...quite a contrast of last night, which was oddly still-unnervingly so.


I am feeling very foolish right now. So much so, I am on the verge of tears...And I am not COMPLETELY sure why o_O


:P Happy Mother's Day, me!!

It has been so long my friend.
I still think about you, and your young life-so wasted.
So sad.
I still want to take your place,
Because you are missed.
In your mind, in your bath-
You know no more seizures-
at least you felt no pain as the water burned through your flesh.
Yes-how fortunate!
You are gone, but I still love you.

The wind blows yellow rose petals across your grave.
Jesse

If ever we should meet...

Ache
So many things to long for...
I hear the Storm
How I shudder!
It comes upon me: with wonder I behold
Each storm becomes a part of me.
Heavy, so heavy...
I am frightened,
And who will stand with me?
The weight--I hope it is never more than I can bear.
Let me cowar
And there is no one to embrace me...

SHAI HULUD "A Profound Hatred of Man"

If these hands would only kill.
They'd cleanse the world with its own blood.
They'd cleanse the world, if these hands would only kill.
These hands should cleanse your soul of the lust and greed of this world.
And they call me a fool, as they do so well.
Destroy the morality none have known for so long if ever at all.
And I would lay down my life to birth a new generation of a righteous culture.
To a people I could proudly love and cherish.
For that's all I've ever asked for and been deprived of.
Not a tear for those of flesh
Not a stayed hand for a world that prostitutes itself.
Not a miniute more of degredation.
Words cannot express my disappointment.
Words cannot express my dispproval.
So I hate.
I hate a world that is capable of triumph.
Do I stand idly by and let this world disintegrate.
This world will pass away, and my emotions with it.
Why should I strive for acceptance and peace of mind.
A Profound Hatred of Man


from the ablum Hearts Once Nourished With Hope and Compassion

hehehe...She wants to save the unenlightened. Tell me, God would not have created others in His image?! Not that I am, but how does one proclaim to know the mind and will of God???!!!

i want my knife...

There is hell within me,
I want to sever my existence-
cut out my heart and smear my face in rivers of my own blood.
Cut out my sickness, and show all who surround
This is mine-this is no more.
Cry for me, and hate me, and spit upon my corpse.
What ills of humans have i not harboured?
What more can i do
If i could not save this Life?

mist...Starlight...death...
Sadness...sickness
Earth...Time
Shall I work my Will?

...I love you...I just want to love you...

...I do not wish to be a god...I want to be a Savior...

Waiting patiently
Beneath this pale half moon,
You -
There can be nothing else
In my eyes,
Blind-but for You.
My heart,
Still-yet strives for life.
If not for You -
How might I seek any strength, a will to survive, a spirit to carry all of this hell and beauty we make our existence?
You -
Give me everything,
After every pain and terror,
You Are Everything.
Be my god, and I shall be You.