It is fueling my purpose. I am driving my ambition. Can you feel it...? Now is the time.

I love being alive, I am happy with my life, but that does not mean I am not striving all the while to make it even better.

You will see how hast you fall if you hinder me. I am venegeful, even though I try to grow towards forgiving those who have wronged me in anyway.

I suppose I'm not afraid to die. It's sad, that our existence must cease... *shrugs* There are two parts of life I shall sincerely miss when I die. The first is the love I have felt for those people who are important to me, and the second is the rain.

It occurred to me as I was running this afternoon, running through the cold drizzle. It hurts sometimes, you know, it's stunning, how deeply certain things can touch me.

So, to all those who live on after I am dead, on one of those gloomy days with the beautiful rain, think of me. Remember me.

I'm ready for the insanity! This NaNoWriMo just might mark the beginning of my Hardcore singing (screaming) career! ;) Yes, it's THAT crazy! o.o

Jack's laying on my clean laundry... right this instant... I might just have to poke her until she moves.

This November's word of the month: BLUDGEON! It's my new favorite, fascinating word! I want to see all of my nano buddies use it at least once in their tales!! ^.^

For everyone who did not know: Happiness is bludgeon-shaped!

Sing a Christmas Carol!

  Up on the housetop zorros pause, Out jumps Downs fucking Santa Mann , Down through the Makara Cinnamon with lots of Alicia's nipple rings , All for the fucking sexy ones Christmas joys!

  CHORUS: AAAHH! , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , Alex Pood wouldn't mourn , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , Alex Pood wouldn't mourn ,Up on the housetop, expose , expose , expose , down through the Makara Cinnamon with globby Saint DDR .

  First comes the skin dress of canabalize Miss Higglepuss , Oh, chunky Santa, bitch slap it well, Give her a sex hungry Lauren that gases and speluncs , One that can open and exterminate thier clitori .

  CHORUS: AAAHH! , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , Alex Pood wouldn't mourn , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , Alex Pood wouldn't mourn ,Up on the housetop, expose , expose , expose , down through the Makara Cinnamon with globby Saint DDR .

  Look in the saddle of damned Michael , Oh just see the anorexic fill! Here is a chop sticks and lots of exhibitionists , A body crust that exonerates and a Tinky-Winky that spills !

  CHORUS: AAAHH! , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , Alex Pood wouldn't mourn , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , AAAHH! , Alex Pood wouldn't mourn ,Up on the housetop, expose , expose , expose , down through the Makara Cinnamon with globby Saint DDR

At Alicia's wedding, while we were dancing, Alicia tried to illustrate how drunk she was to me...

Alicia, with big smile, big eyes: "I had a LOT of wine tonight!"

Me: *laughs*

Alicia, after a long pause: "...and that's a whole bottle."

Me: *cracks up*

Well, I thought it was funny, her trying to quantify how much alcohol she had. ^.^

I went to the Stavesacre show last night in Lakewood, and I got much more than the great show I knew Marc Saloman and his guys can put forth. Indeed, I can only try to put to words the feeling that seeing these people up on stage, making their beautiful music, yet I truthfully cannot find the words, there may be none powerful enough to convey the meaning. But to my surprise and delight, there were seven opening bands. Some did not excel to the point of the other bands, but I applaud their efforts nonetheless. 

I did come away with a certain awe for two of the other groups. One, called the Betrothed, beyond all expectations, made my heart leap with excitement, and re-taught me the meaning of 'appearances can be deceiving'. The lead singer--looking much the same as the emo singer of the prior band--this boy with his white hoodie and distant expression, let forth within the first few seconds of his set a feral howl I thought only achievable by the greatest hardcore bands. His eyes looked entranced, fallen into a place that allowed him to reached his level of vocality. This smalltown Ohio boy and his fellow musicians grasped my attention and made my hard-music loving heart feel brand new again! The range of his 'hardcore' talents impressed me forever more. 

The second band that I applaud highly, their music made my body move and I felt their raw energy, depsite the fact that their message might better be applied to others of different opinion. The lead singer, making a home of the stage, moved up along it, tossing his fiery red dreds around, focusing wholy on the crowd, matching stares and sharing his high energy with us. He certainly knew, or was quickly learning, how to bring a mob of strangers into his sound; this band's sound certainly made my blood course ferociously. Their name was Naos, and they hail from Akron--local talent. (A sidenote, it gave me an extra little delight for after the few times he rose from the stage, so close by, as I was technically in the first row trying to soak in all of their glorious music, he looked directly at me and waved with a short 'Hey.' I hope he appreciated my devotion and my passion for the band's entire set. I really fell in love with their music.)

And then, after the least shining performance of a band called One Solitary Second, Stavesacre took their rightful place on the Phantasy's stage, and here is where words fail me--you simply have to see them live in the first row. I have seen them perform three times and they continue to amaze me, I shall continue to support them, and I hope they come back to Cleveland, very soon.

Now, we have the Alive Festival to look forward to, and the other light of my musical-life: Project 86. Who knows what other unexpected talents I shall encounter along side of them.

Me: The words 'erotic' and 'Laura' will never be used in the same sentence.

Michael (off-handedly): Eh, you never know.

Lauren couldn't believe this 'other' side of Kakashi--a side he had not shown her before. Or, perhaps, he had not had time to expose it. Well, she was enjoying it now, no matter how kinky it seemed, she thought it was almost cute. And she barely had a chance to think about Lee, and why would she want to....? Kakashi was quite thoroughly holding all of her attention right now.

"I rarely get the priviledge of falling under genjutsu," Kakashi said as they lay together on the floor. "But I knew that it would be nearly impossible for me." He smiled and started to idly rubbed Lauren's shoudlers, gently applying pressure there then moving to between the shoulder blades. His fingers alone were driving her over the edge; he was slow and methodical, almost as calculating here as he was when he was in action out in the field. He was careful to watch for her response. And soon, his hands slowly glided to the small of her back, massaging her intensely. And to Lauren surprise, he stirred her even further when he increased the pressure on a certain vertebrae just above her tailbone. She squirmed. Kakashi smiled.

"That's why I wanted to play that little game with you."

Lauren blushed a little, remembering just a little bit ago the switch in roles she had engaged with this dangerously alluring ninja; it had been her turn to use her 'Sharingan' on him, putting him into a false genjutsu and having her way with him. It was unbelievable how turned on he had gotten but such a kinky little switch. Lauren's skin peaked into goosebumps as she shut her eyes and tried not to think about how hard it had been, how nervous she had been. And it was less than an hour in the past.

Kakashi's massaging stopped and brought her out of her daydream. The recollection of Kakashi's gloriousness not so long ago combined with his ministrations upon her back brought that same longing back to her, and Lauren rolled over to look at Kakashi. He was just sitting there, resting back on his palms, with a little grin on his face. Before she knew it, he was smiling widely at her, and she could not understand why.

"You never removed those contacts, Lauren."

"Uh!" She squeaked. "No, I didn't!" She blushed. She closed her eyes, wondering what had made her forget to do so. But as she tried to get up to go into the bathroom, she noticed something had changed about Kakashi, something that firmly pointed to the fact that she ought to stay there. She did not have to go anywhere.

"No, leave them," he said as he slid closer to her, confirming her suspicions that he was once again ready for action. "But I'm afraid I won't fall for your illusions this time, my dear."

In a few swift movements, he had Lauren on her hands and knees, facing away from him. Safe from Lauren's, uh, dangerous Sharingan eyes.

"Well, I thought it might be cruel to use the other 'technique' on you, Lauren, so I adapted it just for you," Kakashi said as he, too, rose to his knees. "And don't worry, I don't need hand signs for this one."

She barely had time to wonder before she heard his deep, sexy voice forcefully ejacullate: "A Thousand Years...of Pleasure!"

Several minutes passed during their rather heated encounter, and anyone who might be passing by down below on the street might hear Lauren's and Kakashi's raised voices in complete passion and pleasure.

(changing channels!)  "Every night, we're taking comedy........and struggling with body fat."

*nod nod*

"...we have sad hap....sad horse-shit..."--Mikey, when asked if we have a screw driver or some 'happy horse-shit' like that around, by Dan.

"It's mostly cat horse-shit around here, huh?" --Dan, on the happy horse-shit we have here

Lauren was glad to be home, glad that it was quiet and cool just like she had left it. It might be nice to be a lone for a time; but, she planned on going to see Kakashi soon. She was not sure how long she could really last, after all, it had been so long and she had to know how he was doing at the very least. Would she be able to tell him about what happened at Lee's this passed week? Would she even be able to look him in the eye? Yes, she supposed she would look him in theye, since she really did not feel very much guilt about Lee. Actually, she hated to admit it, but she got a different kind of feeling when she thought of her time with Lee.

She flopped down on the bed, adn sighed with deep relief. It was as if everything let go, and any tension drained out of her body. Now she was truly glad she had borrowed Lee's shower. No, don't think of anything right now. It's time to relax, time to think of...absolutely nothing. And she was quite ready to think of nothing.

Not knowing how long she closed her eyes, she was semi-awake when she swore she heard a noise, then felt a presence somewhere near to her. But no, how could that be? Who could possibly know she was home, and who would care?

But just as she decided to open her eyes, she got an enormous shock. Not only was the face of a not-so-happy looking pug staring down at her, but it stared down at her from the shoulder of its master.

The master was none other than Kakashi.

She wanted to scream because seeing him there so suddenly had truly terrified her, but it seemed her scream remained frozen in her throat. And then, her heart panicked again when she heard:

"And what's this about Lee?" Kakashi asked with some curiosity. He then looked over at Pakkun, "Good work, I think your work is done."

The pug nodded and disappeared. He must have been summoned by Kakashi. "So...?"

"So?"

"You said something about Lee-san, in your sleep I think."

"Ah, uh...uh-huh..about that..." she squirmed a little. What would she say now? 

"Oh, well," he cast it off with a shrug. "I brought you something. It'll be fun!" He held up a small, plain box. He backed up and pulled Lauren into a sitting position. His face remained the same squinty, happy face it always was, but Lauren detected a hint of something supiscious in his undertones. What WAS Kakashi's idea of fun, anyway?

She tenatively took the box. Removing the lid, she saw two small red circle, curved in such a way that they looked like...lenses.

"I thought, we might play a little game. Ease a little tension."

Oh, this is going to be....something else, Lauren thought to herself. What in the world could he be planning after giving her a pair of contact lenses that looked like...his Sharingan eye??

"Lauren, don't leave me now! We were just beginning to get so close!" Lee pleaded as if she were going to take her own life, or his.

"Lee, I'm just going home. I need to rest, you know I get none here."

He stared, mouth slightly agape, speechless. His eyebrows creased in frustration. "Lauren, if you leave me now, I swear..."

"Lee!" She crossed the room quickly and laid one finger over his lips to stop him from talking. "Stop, you do not need to think up some absurd harsh challenge for yourself. I just need some sleep. I mean, don't you have to keep training? We both have things we need to do."

He sat back with indignation. Well, there was something HE wanted to do...While he was imagining such things, Lauren had kissed him on the cheek, and was making for the door.

"Wait!" He practically wailed.

Lauren looked back over her shoulder, not willing to wait long now that she made up her mind.

"Did you know..." he let it hang suspensfully for a while. "The Lotus blooms twice?" His sparkling grin popped ouot and his eyes twinkled.

Lauren sighed and her shoulders slumped. "Lee," she breathed. "You say that EVERY TIME!" She was out the door, hearing Lee yelling:

"Wait, wait! I swear it will happen THIS time! Wait!"

They had not even bothered to move to the bed, and honestly neither of them would have made it that far. So, Lauren lay asleep on the floor, her head resting in Lee's lap as he leaned against the wall. So, maybe he hadn't been everything he had promised, and the secondary Lotus had eluded him once again. But he swore to himself as Lauren snored softly that if it did not happen next time, he would do 2000 push-ups and consume nothing but water for two weeks.

He played with Lauren's hair as he forced the resolve onto himself. He was sure that he could make himself better for Lauren's sake. He did not want to lose her to anyone, nor give her back to Kakashi-san, because of his weakness. He looked down at her sleeping face, and methodically ran his fingers through her hair. Her hair was nice, but he began to wonder...No, no, he could never ask her to do THAT. He let the thought fade as he drifted off into sleep. Even he would need to rest up for round two; he would not give up on the Lotus, he would make it work for both himself and for her.



[  One week later  ]

Lauren rose and went directly from the bed into the shower. she had decided she spent enough time away from home. Lauren wanted to avoid Kakashi, and his deadly Sharingan eye, if he foudn out about Lee and became irrational. Somehow, that thought made Lauren smirk--Kakashi was NEVER irrational or without control. But, if she was going to be with Lee, she had thought that staying in his home would be better for everyone. One week had been spent in Lee's company, and frankly she was exhausted. There was some kind of strange magnetism between the two of them; they had not been able to keep their hands off of each other most of that entire week. She was so tired she could barely stand in the shower now. And Lee was still passed out in his bed, flat on his back, leg and arm slung over the bed just the way she left him.

How would Lauren tell Lee without it sounding like she was tired OF him rather than just tired? Although, the more she looked at the situation, she realized she was getting a little annoyed with his random outbursts and loud proclamations. Could she hurt his feelings and walk away--that simply? Eyes closed, Lauren was determined to enjoy her shower, leaving the issue of dealing with Lee until afterwards.

Dripping, she bypassed the towel and walked directly into the bedroom. Sitting on the bed, Lee began to stir. He had not completely comprehended yet that Lauren was gathering her belongings.

Lauren was not at all surprised that Lee had eaten too many cheeseburgers, turning even their lunch together into a test of his will. Nor was she surprised that she had had to escort him home after his binge. He invited her in and well, Lauren was a bit hesitant. At the door, she had a wash of guilt as she had a fleeting image of Kakashi and his ^.^ accost her mind. Lee looked at her and his eyes got bigger. If that was possible. It had to be Lauren's imagination...but he looked pouty, as if he guessed why she did not want to enter. He stared, thinking hard for some conditon to set for himself if she refused after all. But she finally shook her head and smiled awkwardly at the sad little ninja. She entered, but just then a thought struck her:

"Where did you get that green jumpsuit?"

Life seemed to filter back into him for a moment, he grinned and his face sparkled with pride. "This was a token from my wonderful Gai-sensei." He leaned closer, suddenly very serious, "It is a key to my training--my success." Lee winked. "But it is a secret. Only two other people know besides myself and Gai-sensei," he whispered to Lauren and added a nod. He knew his secret was safe with his new love. 

"That's why they call you AND your sensei the Green Beast, I would imagine?"

He took her hands and began to pull her forward, abruptly taking her into a very close, very intimate embrace. She could feel his battle-hardened muscles through the smooth green spandex of his ninja suit. His face had turned very sweet, but his voice had become very sly. "Well, I can show you another reason why they call me the Green Beast, and I can assure you I have not learned this from Gai-sensei."

Lauren blinked at his implications. She barely had time to blush before:

"Woud you like to see the Lotus bloom?"

It had been a few days since Laure had seen Kakashi, and she wondered how things went for his new team. If they were indeed his new team.

And now Lauren was walking to the market, longing for a clean new notebook to write all of her thoughts on. She loved the feeling of starting anew. But she was not at all alert on her leisurely stroll, for she had not noticed the form moving at her side. Finally, though her sense keyed into this presence, and she looked up to find who or what had fallen in beside her. Her feet froze, and she started in utter surprise. There was indeed a someone walking next to her, and he was dressed in the most ridiculous green spandex. But the longer she stared the longer she decided it suited him. As her wondering eyes found their way to face of this green-clad young man, she started again as she noticed the...complete oddness of his face. Her eye twitched as the black-hair guy smiled a toothy grin and extended his hand.

"Please, take this sincere card as a token of my devotion." He spoke all most too seriously for the situation. His eyes grew wide with excitement. His face glowed with complete determination. "I wrote it myself to prove that I am worthy of your atttention. See the green envelope, I believe it is very becoming." He nodded his head once.

Lauren stared with a crooked grin on her face. Was this strange guy trying to come onto her? It seemed that way, although he went about it in an unconventional way. Looking at him one could tell there was nothing conventional about him.  She reached out slowly to receive the card. But she stared at his eyebrows the entire time and could not help but wonder, Does he know what tweezers are? Or a good waxing? Maybe that could be my first gift to him.

"You have accepted my gift!" He sayed loudly, and raised his fist in some triumph. 

"Who are you?" Lauren finally found her voice. She had to find out what he was up to, somehow despite her shock.

Wide-stanced at her question, he rested a thumb against his chest. "I am Rock Lee. Second green beast of the village Konoha, self-made ninja, taijutsu specialist!"

Uh-huh....Lauren's grin did not straighten a bit. And for some reason her eye never stopped its periodic twitches. "Pleased...to meet you, Lee. My name is Lauren."

"I have a favor to ask of you."

Eh? A favor? It might be harmless, he seemed harmless, so why not find out what favor he might want of her? "Hmmm?"

"I saw you in the theatre with that Kakashi. Please, please forego your relation with him and choose me instead! I will devote myself to you, if only you promise to be mine!"

There goes my eye again. She was speechless.

"I swear that if you do not become mine I will not sleep for one hundred days!"

Uh! How drastic...she could not allow him to neglect such a thing, so she nodded her consent. But what to tell Kakashi...Oh well, I can take care of that later.

Lee reached out andd grabbed her hand. He started leading her away. "I am over-joyed. Now, let's go. McDonalds has two cheeseburgers for 2 dollars today! My treat, my dear Lauren."

It would be hard to say she was swept away, but she was a little amused. As he dragged her along, she felt a fondness for this strange green-suited, bowl-cut, fuzzy-eyebrowed guy growing in her heart.

Lauren watched from the windowseat as Kakashi dressed. He had a meticulous process for putting on each layer. Now if only he was as precise with his time-keeping, Lauren thought with a smirk. His final touch was pulling up his cover. Lauren, even though she had longed to see his face, still found it hard to look at him without the mask.

"Well, I'm off to crush--I mean instruct my newest students, love." His eye went *meep* ^.^ as he thought of the torturous survival test he soon put them through.

"Team Seven was the one and only group who passed your test? Still? After all these years?"

Kakashi's gaze finally took on some measure of expression--not quite sadness, more like a lingering, loving pride. "Yes, my team seven were extraordinary pupils. They are all individuals to be proud of."

How sweet! How touching! He loved those kids, as if they had been his own kids.

He was at the windowseat in a flash. "It is time for me to go, Lauren." He slowly brought up his hand and caressed her cheek. She had not noticed that both eyes were exposed, and that she was staring straight into them. Before she knew it his eyes shot wide open.

"Sharingan!"

No! Lauren's heart stopped. Why! Now?! Why did he have to use an illusory technique on her after all this time? She was going to let him, there was no argument there. She was really about to panic when:

"Ha! Just kidding!" Kakashi said with the utmost pleasure in himself. His forehead protector slid down over the terrifying appearance of the Sharingan eye. even though he was already smiling intensely.

"Uh--you!" Lauren said as she slowly found that she could breathe again. Sweat dripped down her temple.

Kakashi leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Lauren's forehead. "Later." He zipped out the window, gone simply that fast.

Geez! That Kakashi and his practical jokes! Lauren shook her head and prepared to walk home.

Things were...progressing rather more quickly than either Lauren or Kakashi had expected. Lauren's allure being so strong, Kakashi could barely sit through the movie, he shifted often, making Lauren just a little bit nervous. She reached over and lightly laid her fingertips on his thigh. He paused for the longest time since they sat down together in the darkness of the small theatre. He quickly decided to cover her hand with his own, for fear that it might start to wander around and distract him even further. He closed his hand around her fingers and smiled, so easily.

"Why don't we, skip out on this movie?"

Lauren thought he sounded a little breathless. Was it nerves, or something else? No, not Kakashi, his aire of mystery and calm could rarely be dispersed. This only proved to add to it.  She grinned a bit herself. "What do you have in mind?"

"I happen to know this little place where we could have a something to eat. Some place more...private," he said happily. 

"Oh?" Lauren giggled at his haste to remove them from the theatre.

Kakashi's eye opened..with that thrill, the very same. "It's called my house."

Lauren could not help the flutter of her heart. One nod and before she knew it Kakashi pulled them onto their feet wrapped an arm around her waist and they literally vanished from the theatre.

Meanwhile, a dark figure rose in the back of the theatre. A resolve had formed within him upon seeing Kakashi enter the theatre with a girl such as Lauren. There was a twinkle in this new man's eyes, a witty little grin forming on his face. He would have to wait a while longer but he would find his opportunity to steal Lauren away from the ancient rival of his sensei, that Kakashi-san whose cool andd carefree attitude had so impressed the sensei. It was settled. The Lotus was about to bloom. ;)


[ Later on... ]

The food had barely been touched. But Lauren had to say that it had helped greatly in Kakashi's favor, him taking her back to his house and cooking for her, to put them in their present position. Kakashi slept just as quietly as he conducted himself throughout the day--and who wouldn't, really, after all the 'training' the two of them had just done--so Lauren rolled over within the quiet and peace of the evening-lit room. She closed her eyes, and before drifitng into sleep had flashes of memories of the past hour or so. "It's as if you have been schooled in these techniques. Where do you keep your manual?" Lauren joked as Kakashi hovered above her. He smiled and suddenly blushed, "Well," he stammered and absently rubbed the back of his white haired head, "I suppose you might say that." In the blink of an eye, his Icha Icha novellettes just under the corner of the bed were replaced by a few papers and notes. Lauren had not noticed those, thankfully, and she had not seen him so quickly place them underneath the very mattress on which they now lay.

He laid down next to her and sighed in relief. And in so many seconds he fell asleep. 

Lauren could not help but to join him.

Okay, below is my enstallment. ^.^ It's not as funny as [moonlitawakening]'s but I gave it a go. LOL! I cannot wait until she gets her '1000 years of pain!' And she'll like, by gob!! ;)

^.^

"It's not by chance that I met you," Kakashi whispered into her ear. "But don't expect me to be punctual--I'll let you in on that straight off." He smiled at her, propelling any doubt from her. This guy was serious. And so was she, she would see his face. She would be the first.

She arrived at the precise hour. Lauren planned keep her time a little bit better than Hatake-san. Looking back, who would have guessed that she would have happened upon him at the exotic pet store while she was buying grooming supplies for her panther the day before.

[ Flashback ]

Brushes and food--she browsed idly, never seeing the mysterious ninja enter the store. She caught his eye while he was headed to the newstand, searching out his 'favorite' novellettes. Being captivated beyond belief, wondering if this lady would care to catch Chronicles of Riddick sometime and also curious to see what kind of pet she kept--it must be interesting, only befitting such a fabulous person.

He followned her with grand stealth, and much to his surprise she entered the exoctic cat corner of the store. Heh...

He materialed behind her, and said, "Well, I am a ddog-kind of person myself.."

Lauren's heart jumped at the sudden voice in her ear. The soothing, carefree tones of an unfamiliar man. She had shrieked and everone was staring at the two of them. She peeked back to see just who had so oddly chosen to startle her. 

One very delighted eye peeped at her, and this masked man who disagreed with her choice of pets was smiling all too pleasantly at her. Maybe he was embarrassed by all the attention she had gathered toward them?

"Good afternoon," he said, still smiling. He stood back and rested his hans onto his hips.

"Good afternoon," Lauren said a little shyly. "Do I know you?" She asked slowly, quickly intrigued by this ninja whose face she could barely make out, with his forehead protector draped over his right eye, and the aforementioned mask.

"No, probably not." Yes, well, I can ask her now, better now than to wait, and if she says 'no' then I can always hypnotize her...he thought to himself with high hope. Either way, he would be taking her to see Chronicles of Riddick. "You know, if you leave your little panther at home, would you care to see a great Vin Diesel flick with me?"

Lauren, not quite sure what to say, just nodded. How could she refuse, it seemed impossible.

"Great! I'll meet you here tomorrow afternoon." His voice was pleased.

But his one eye was finally open after all that smiling and it looked so...captivated. Really.

Part of the thrill of him, Lauren decided outside of his sudden appearance, was the pure lack of interest in his eye. His one eye...How odd, she mused. I wonder what is up with his other?

And then, he was gone in a 'whoosh,' leaving Lauren stunned.

She watched her back the entire walk home.

Kakashi--he cooked, CoR, secret scroll, panther
Lee--card, McDonalds, dolphin

Well, here's my beef..my dilemma, my bane...

It's THAT weekend approaching, the trip to New York to see my father in law off to his home country of Hungary. My mother in law suggested I go with her on this 9-12 hour trip. I told her I would if I could, but the more I think about it the more I want to shoot myself, as I have to work the next day....*sighs* Now, I try to back out, I try to suggest other courses of actions, but she keeps pushing to get me to go. And of course the guilt I promised I would not feel has emerged; it's ugly, it's nagging. Should I go, or should I not? Damn it all...And I try to talk to Michael about--you know, it's his mother, and it's my insanity, so you'd think he might have some words of wisdom to share. But what do I get when I ask him...I get him staring at Mythbusters, not saying anything. Damn it damn it damn it! I am on the verge of insanity--with my apartment, with money, with myself, and with this impending drive of doom, adn now I have this guilt hovering...hovering...I want time to myself. Every week I keep saying "Next week, there will be a little more time, maybe a few hours at least." But no, SOMETHING always comes up, SOMETHING always needs to be done. Fuck! Here goes my mind, I hope Micahel is enjoying the opening stages of his quickly approaching wife of madness; I hope he wants a future of Me with a mushy, crazy brain. Fucking...god damn it...I just know I am going to call her back and say I WILL go after all. And then I'll cry myself to sleep...every night until Saturday...and at work Sunday after spending the prior 24 hours in a car *gag gag* with my parents in law, with only, oh, 3 hours of sleep. Thank you. Thank you. Why do I have to have feelings; why do I feel bad??