HOLY S*** I totally forgot I started a Diary, where oh where to start.

Well the fact I forgot about this makes so many of the past entries here redundant, and that annoys me a lot, I hate forgetting things, I like to think I have a good memory for things, although knowing me, it was more me not pushin myself to make an entry that stopped it, or maybe something happened that was more important either way, I'm here now, if only for a little while.

Feeling a bit shitty at the moment, which is odd considering I never get ill, but oh well, it's but a little price to pay, for what I'm not exactly sure, but nonetheless I don't mind too much.

Right now, I need to work harder on getting a full time job, I'm so much closer to living the dream, mine and Monicas dream. I don't think many people have picked up on the subtleties of what I changed on my page, or maybe they did I'm not sure. But it's something I keep coming back to in my head, I still haven't got a clue what to do about it, but so many other things have been taking over at the moment, and well, I've never given myself much importance, no point breaking the habit.

Well, my birhtday is around the corner, I can't say I'm thrilled about it, my parents seem to want to dspend more oof the money this year on a big dinner with my uncles families and so on. And despite the fact that I asked specifically for money, they still tell me they have to get me presents, athen come and moan at me later saying I'm the hardest person to buy for ever. My mum is also going on about how I need new clothes, and blieve me I would love to go and buy more clothes, but she wouldn't ever agree to my taste, not that I know much more about it than she does.

Still, I'm feeling like I have less and less freedom at the moment, I just feel more and more lost in a bit of a daze at the moment, but I'm still pushing myself onwards, I've come further than I normally would, But I know why, I hope she does too.

Ever since I saw that picture I've been wanting to say this to her all day. That I would never erase yo,u I could never erase you without killing me in the process, you're my everything, and I only hope you've never wished to erase me either.

Oh well, this is sounding more and more regular now, and although I keep saying this, In my mind, I force myself to never let go of the meaning, how mcuh she means to me, how much the words mean to me.

I love You Mónica, you're my everything and you always will be. We're closer to livng the dream, the Promised dream.
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im cool

Well new year and I've already failed at a daily diary, and I'm sooo blaming Jack for that.

1st day of the new year, does it feel any different, heh, does it ever? I suppose the day or event itself changes nothing, any real change can only come from within, and, I'm not going to change, right now, and probably always, I'm happy, and I'm happy with who I am. I guess this is a lot more than most people can claim to have, but that's something I suppose I'll never come to understand, why some people who suffer most, hate themselves the most. The closest person to me, is always saying, how ugly she thinks she is, and how much she hates herself, as do most girls I know. I guess she and a lot of people could say, I'm just blinded by love, but I don't see it, at all, I don't see why she does.

Maybe I could change this, maybe I can't, is it really that important? who knows..but.. I want her to feel as proud and as happy as I do about myself about herself too I guess that's why it bothers me. I'll admit I'm not fat, I might be a little thin but I've got a little bit of flab at the edges..I'll admit and not out of vanity but out of honest comparison, I am not the most unfortunate looking person in the world, there are so many people who have less than I do physically and mentally, and after all I've been through, I'd rather be exactly who and what I am now, than anyone else, than anywhere else but where these choices have led me.

I know what self-laothing is, waking up, and when you look in the mirror, you're scared of and hate the reflection you see to the point if you could only get you hand beyond the glass, strangle that person. that couldn't really be you could it? but it was, and I hated that person I'd become, I did everything I could in every possible way to hurt that person, and those experiences led me to meet new people, worse off than me, who I helped instead of joining in thier misery. although, it turned out to be not enough for some of them..but, that led me to becoming someone else, to realising and seeing what I can do as opposed to wha tI can;t, looking at what I can now do, as opposed to what I have already done, I stopped regretting the past and moved on, and let the person who I am now, do some good, help people, and try to be happy with what I had, because theres people out there who diserve so much more who get so much less.

Some people couldn't give two shits for the people who live in third-world countries, and I can't claim to be any different, after all what have I given these people which I claim to admire so much, for carrying on living with what little they have. Not a lot..they don't me and I don't really know them. but that doesn't stop me from never wanting to be in thier position and to put any problems I might have in perpective, thye only exist in my head, and who's in control of my head? me.

Things are only as bad as we let them seem a great majority of the time, if theres something you can't do, don't stop there, WHY can't you do it? what are those barriers stopping you from doing it, is the only thing you're afraid of yourself, are the consequences really as bad as they seem?

We've all got to remember sometimes, there is no autopilot, there is nothing nor no-one else that makes our brains work for us, there is no such thing as having a good or a bad memory (unless it's medical due to overabusing of drugs) no such thing as not being able to make decisions.. of course you're capable, yo ujust have to let youtrself be and break down tha tone barrier in your mind that stops it, because it's not really there, it's your mind, you make it the way you want to.

I've been this way for a long time now, and been the person who I've always wanted to be, I can;t say theres parts aobut me I like and parts about me I dislike, because it's all me, and I control me.

it's 5:32 pm..I'm starting to miss Monica quite badly, but, that's not a bad thing..because she makes me so happy, to the point that no matter how much I miss her, I like missing her, it tells me how much I know she means to me, and how I'll never let her go. She's my everything, I could not be without her.

I love you Monica..forever, For always and for all time..
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

goodnight everyone.

I figure..the morning of the the day before new year, or rather the last morning of this year, maybe I should start a Diary..I wonder how long I can keep this up and it always seems like such a good idea to start with..

So what will this new year bring for me? well.. a lot's changed thats for sure.. and like most people, and like I told some friends, I want this next year to be a new start, completely devoid of so many of the thing sI let cloud my mind and get me down beforehand, heh, in 17 years I've never made a new years resolution I believed in..but I guess now.. I have a lot of reasons to believe in good again..

I owe a lot of people a lot of things, and I'm always going to be there for them as much as I can be, and I'm never going to forget..

So, as far as this morning goes.. I spend most of thes emornings with my one hope for my life and future, My angel Monica..Yuo make me so happy.. nothing can ever get me down so long as we're together, and we're gonna be together forever..

I think about my past, and it's full of bad memories, little black books and sadness..from here on out..me and Monica are going to write our future with our present, with little white books an d happy memories.. thats what i wish for ths new year, for most of those who care for me tha tI care for in return.. theres not many people out there who diserve a new start like you guys do..Here's wishing you a good new years eve, and the best of the years to come..goodnight