it is about 6:44am and i am wide awake....i am not writting this for fun i am writting this to try and releive fear.this is the first time in a bout 2 years that i have woken up because of a dream.*tear*i woke up shaking i couldnt stop my eyes were wet from where i had cried and it was very cold.i woke up and i looked to see if anyone was in the house no one was in the house and my door to outside was open i started shaking even more i am still shaking*tear*

sometimes i just feel like taking a knife to my throat and ending my suffering and pain. sometimes i feel like i just dont belong anywhere like no matter where i go the cloud of lonelyness surrounds me so when i get out of collage i am gonna move somewhere where no one knows who i am and start my life over or i might run away from home i have been known to try my mom would be pissed but at the moment i could care less about what she thinks i am in one of my bitch moods so yea if i bitch at oyu blame the fucking voices in my head!!!!FUCK LIFE AND FUCK AMERICA!

i dont know what it is about me....but i was at my friends house and my friends sister told me she didnt even know what i am and her sister is like a fortune teller or whatever the fuck it is and she doesnt even know what her sister is either and she says whenever she looks at me she gets a bad feeling...and she says my aura is dark and evil but i dont know how that could be......i mean yes i have been possesed once or twice and my friend told me i possed her boyfriend and almost killed him and i am fucking afraid of myself at times and i know it seems like i am ranting on and on but i think this may be inmortant to find out who i am.....



just a little something my friends and i did.we took a penny and stuck it to our wall and there wasnt any thing it could have stuck to like gum or whatever it stuck to the wall((the longer it stays on your wall the more spiritual activity in your house)) just something my friends and i did



and the bloody mary thing dont do it becasue it is said to let out a dark spirit into your house nad i did it and now i hear voices and i see things in my house((nick i know you think i am crazy now so you dont have to tell me..))

i feel like there is something going to happen to me in the next years of my life that i wont be able to escape. i dont want ot think about it but in my dreams it is more than i can handle some of edgar allen poe's work explains it but i cant tell you. you wouldnt understand

okay some older guy like 45 i think it is my friends dad.he is really starting to piss me off.whenever i am ridding my horse,rain, he always makes me push her until she can bareley walk and i know what is good for my horse and oh no heh were not done yet yesterday i didnt want to take her up this muddy hill because i knew she would slide and hurt herself and then he yelled at me and tok my horse and took her up the hill and it was real bad she could hardly walk afterwards because she was so tired so i didnt ride her i walked her and then after he called me sisy for not taking her up there and then he grabbed my ass. um no i dont think so!.and he expects to much of me and of my horse and i hate it i used to look up to him. now.... i dont want him ever near me again and he cant tell me what to do he isnt my father. my father is dead!

dear dad,

if you knew how much i missed you im sure you would be so sad but there is some part of me that says you didnt die you just left for a vacation and i know deep down inside you did realy die i just dont want to admitt it but it is hard for me to look at all those kids with thier fathers and me i will never feel that and on fathers day i know i come visit you at the grave yard but it isnt the same i cant talk to you the same way

i am kinda confused on what to believe right now

well lets see i didnt get any sleep last night and i went to the dark bar and had a drink and went to a party so ya you get the point

sometimes i wonder if the world i am in is real or if i am in a deep sleep .or why am i here.

sometimes i wonder if the world i am in is real or if i am in a deep sleep .or why am i here.

life is so boring sometimes