I wanna write something where everyone can see. . .

i wanna stand on top of a mountain where everyone can hear. . .

i wanna write/scream. . .~~~!

and i want ye all to hear et!

why? why ye ask me? why i ask ourself?

why do people have things called apendixes when they're not needed? WHY, damnet, WHY?????

i'm hyper, and i'm even more oddly neutral than usual. read like. .. 5 manga inna roooow. one was the end of the series. one was a one-book series. the end sucked. made us scream and et echoed. or maybe we imagened et?

maybe we need medication. . .

but it was good, made me wanna detinate the world, without a care in the world~~~

and the one-book story was yaoi. i'll atmit to et, but it had a damn-good plot and now i wanna draw porn without getting 'horny' i wanna draw people screaming without feeling a thing. 

i'm estatic and dull. such an odd thing. like. . . can't stop typing, can't stop thinking, can't stop. . .but yet. . . we're not breathing faster. . . our heart's not beating faster. . . . and . . .- can't feel. tis to be expected, und yet completely unexpected.

maaade an observation that thourally perplexes mich.

seems that if one loves someone else. . . and they leave them, it's easier to except, because one knows they didnt' want ye. . .

but. . . when one loves someone else. . . and they die, the loved one takes the lover's heart with them, because the lover knews the other person didn't want to leave. . . and could very well still love them!

and then. . . what if you're the one who died?? what if the un-tangeable thing laying next to ye, reading over yer shoulder is somebody's emotions? what can one do? what if one can't feel? does that mean that in turn, the one who was left kept the loved one's heart to. . .???

what does et all mean? it's torture. .. having somebodies emotions, their warmth. . .that burning warmth. . . and not having any emotions to give that thing that's warming ye any warmth back. . . what happens when one's warmth was left behind??

and then. . . is this warmth, this emotion-being really a being? is the person it belongs to out there, as cold as --? do they have the same mysterious warmth? do they feel the same wanting to return the warmth but have none to give because it's infact sitting beside --?!

and then . .. are they the same person. . . hoi.

talked too much. gotta shut up aboot that topic. gomen.

hmmmnnn!! wanna draw someone screaming!! wanna write something untangible!!!

wanna scream, wanna feel, wanna duck-tape the mouth of the warm thing when it bluntly accuses ----- of acting when ---- tries to convey warmth/emotion towards it. . .

why won't the ice melt under the seiring heat. . .?

- ---- --- ----- ----- -- --- --- ---- --- -------!

--- ---'- -- -- ------ ------. . . --- ---'- - ------ --- ------. . .???

- need someone to ----. . .!! but ---'s here. . . isn't --?

in the meantime we'll just sit and listen to the echoes as the world crumbles to the ground. . . put all the peices in a little box where no-one can find et. . . and then burn. 

oooon a light note:

~weeee took a bath with our tail lasht night. . . und et's so spiffy! et smells good, it's tip is whiter than et's been in ages, tis soft and fluffy too ^_^ nnn so happy. *hugs tail lovingling*

~went und saw the opera again lasht week. twas fun.

~found a new passion for Harry x Draco fanfics. even though we've never read the books >.<

~been sleepin' really good lately, even if only for a few hours each night. wakin' up happy is a strange, strange feeling 0_o


ooooon a low note:

~we're having some rather vivid flashbacks of things i've tried to forget, down to the point of pain. >.>

~Koe-kun's distant again ;_;

~we're having odd mood swings between super-inspired und completely-stuck-inna-artistic-rock >.>

~i'm beginning to get that sad feeling inside that we get when we know we have to wait a few years before anything truely good will happen.



on a neutral note:

~so much things that have to be done. . . but damn the procrastination!!! have to get working!!!

~started writing a rather random yaoi story last night while reading "Tempus Fugit" (don't ask, tis a slash fic we've been reading >.>) tis turning out rather nice. . . but . . . i really don't like this one 'Maharid' character that came out. . . maybe it's his name. . . yesh. we should change his name >.>

~lately. . . we've gotten these weird urges to just type/write/sing. and when complying to these urges, freaky stuff comes out. random poems, random songs, random quotes, random sayings. . . all of them completely f@#$ed up 0_o

*shrugs* oh well. blame it on a mental disorder.

warning: before reading this, ye must realize that none of this is supposed to make sence to any of ye, because as far as i know, none of ye know me very well. also, keep in mind that it's all metaphors, so it could mean almost anything. i'm sorry for babbling this all out, but i needed to, it kinda helps to type it all out sometimes.


i feel like crap. or at least that's my first reaction, as usual, the moment i ask myself how i feel, my heart says, "i don't care" because i don't feel anything.

but that doesn't stop the falling.

i decided this morning that my life is a type of path. . . first, it was a fairly normal, uneventful path . . . and then i was pushed into a deep, deep crevice. in this crevice i was broken, and it took a long time to heal, before i could move enough to contininue on my path. for a long time i just lay there. . . healing. in the end i said 'screw my injuries, this is taking to long' and got up to go. all my bones had healed, the skin was normal, no scars, but internally i was still bleeding. eventually as i made my way across the bottom of this crevice, to the wall opposite the one i fell down, all the blood ran out of me and into a river, which was carried far, far away. now this has made me very 'blood-thirsty' one may guess, and i've been forced to drink from the rain as it falls.

now i finally reached the other side of this crevice, so i may climb up it to hopefully reach that state of normality, and eventually within the ideal, even bliss. so i begin to climb, still aching limb-to-limb, thirsting for blood that cannot be replaced by anyone except for the one person in the world that shares my type. and so i climb, and the wall that i'm climbing is set up almost as giant stairs. . . the problem is, that each time i drag my weak and thirsting body up to the next step, something always knocks me off the edge, and i fall to the edge below. . . soemtimes it takes twenty or thirty times before i gain even one stare, and each time i fall it hurts, something breaks, though my body can no longer feel it, and it heals in some crooked way because i don't take the time to fix it before moving on.

and so i've been climbing for about nine years, and i've not yet gotten even half way to the normal path, i just keep falling over and over again and breaking over and over again. . . and it seems the rain that quenches my thirst has stopped. i'm in a drought and can't stop gasping for breath, and something to wet my unquenchable blood-thirst. but it never stops, and as neither does my climbing. . . something bit my had as i grabbed that last stair/ledge, and now as i feel myself falling, i stop and wonder. . . will it hurt when i hit?

i had a dream that me and Haku rebelled. . . . against her father. . .
it got to the point where i was just talking to him like he was some imature boy from schule calling people names and stuff. we said we were leaving, but he mocked us. and so did the rest of our parents. then we began to go, and decided to wait (at this point i didn't know why) and her father said something like "what? were you too afraid to go out into the big world alone, little girls?" and i told him to "shut the @#$< up". . . yeah.

and so we waited for a few hours, and then there was a ring at the doorway. . .. and it was Fyr!!! we all exchanged hugs and then hoped in Haku's mom's car and Haku began to drive. . . she wasn't to good at et, so i looked at Fyr, who at that point was sitting next to me and said, "ye know how to get to Canada right? i mean ye just came from there. . .?" and he just shrugged and the next thing i knew he was driving, Haku was in the passenger seat and i was in the back and we were driving down some highway!! we were all laughing and stuff. . .

i don't dream about people i know. . . . so this was really odd. i woke up in a really good mood because i also remember most everything in the dream except for a few things people said, like the exsact thing her father and us would fight about. . . but et was all so realistic to! which is another odd thing. . . normally i dream fantasies, litterally, even if it's somewhere i know, it will be all warped and shtuff to a point beyond recignition. . . but this time et was so real!!! everything from Haku, to her house, to the shrubs in front of et! even Fyr was real! (although i have no idea if that's what he really looks like. . . XD) oh et was so nice, i hope i can have more dreams like that in the future.

today i think i may try to draw this. . . it'll have Haku and Fyr (how i saw him. . . unless i get word to change et. . .) and me in the back seat, all laughing and driving down the road.

oh, and there was no top on the car either, i don't think et was a convertable, but there was no top, so all of our hair will be blowing in the wind.

heh. . . i've been acting really weird lately. before, i could at least -act- emotional; even though i didn't feel anything.

now i can't even bring myself to act. nothing's wrong, and yet everything seems wrong. nothing seems right and i don't care.

so i have to continue to oppologize to everyone. *bows for forgiveness* i'm sorry for not acting cheerfull, as i'm supposed to. i'll try to act that way when talking to ye all. . . gomenasai.

hum-die-hum.
there's too much happening all at once.
my mind is sifting through so much. . .
so much has to be done,
so much we have to think about. . .
so much work,
so much thoughts. . .
new things in my past popping up all over. i've been dreaming of my boy with black wings again. . . i may or may not have remembered his name! which is wonderful progress on my part, but i'm not sure, so i'll continue to call him Koe in case of my error. . . i had another half-dream this morning. . . and then i almost saw his face. . . too much to think about.

eee a lot of things have been hapening. can't even put most of them here, because people from schule may view it. . . let's just say i feel as though i'm being stalked, not by anyone on elftown however. . . she hasn't found me here yet. .. .

then there's Ve. gave me quite the scare today, Haku found a document he wrote in one of the songs i transfered to her, didn't know they were there. she started asking me questions and making statements that made me think he had talked to her. .. so happy he didn't. i dont' wanna have another friend of mine change how they treat me because of him. . . especially not my Haku-chan/sama. . .

wow, i never realized how much time and effort goes into a CGed picture. . . or comic page for that matter. . . now that i'm figureing out how to do it. . . i kinda like it ^_~ i don't get bored even with every single layer that i have to add. i can't even keep track of the layers >.< but it's so much fun!! nyahaha maybe i'll start CGing every comic page from here on out. . . but i still wanna learn how to use toning. . . ger-owl.

btw, if anyone knows how to use toning, or knows someone who's willing to teach me, message meeeeeeeeeee i wanna learn ^^;;

Koe smiled ^_^ he actually smiled at me the other day!! this is odd, because before then, i'd never seen him smile quite so happily, and though it took me a long time, i figured out why. since that day, i've drawn him 3 times, once in a sad picture, once a happy one, and then i drew a portrait of him, the one i like the most, because well, i love my Koe. i think today is the perfect day to go visit him, so off i go! i hope i see him there, or maybe hear him, either way i plan on drawing -something- while there. . .

nya. i'm in a weird state lately. my mind has been changing. heh, i find myself being diagnosed with so many disorders it's scaring me, but even more scary, it makes me exceedingly happy. but despite all this, i'm afraid.
  Koe-kun has been acting strange lately [Koe is a spirit that hangs around a lot. he promised to stay with me forever, but he lies. because he's almost never here XD] NEway, he's been coming through my bedroom window at night, and making an odd growling noise towards the foot of my bed. i can definately sense something there, but i don't know what.
  on top of that, he's been angry with me. i think it may be because of Kazuya-kun. hehehe he may be jealous. . . although i doubt it. because he's more mad at me than at Kazuya-kun. and that scares me to.
  and piled upon all the odities in Koe lately, Haku's spirits have been acting up lately to. ever since the arival of "Brass" it seems the entire spirit world has been in some type of anxious wait for something.

hehehe i'm strangely happy right now and it's kinda scary. today i was held hostage by a substatute [sp?] and missed study-hall. i was held to help messure a wall. ^_^;; well yeah. that and today i drew my first femmie male. hehehe it was fun. everyone say happy birthday to Ashley, for it ish tomarrow and it twas her femmie male i drew! so on da' count of three....one...two...three..."HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHLEY-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

i just remembered my dream. i loved it so much i cried when i remembered it this morning. i had it last night and it sounds a little stupid, but for me it's highly symbolic and meaningfull, and it made me extreeeemmmmllyyy happy inna sad type of way. well here goes:

i was still my age (13) and Seki Tomokazu was still his age...ok, maybe a lil' bit younger, 'round 25 er some. NEway, somehow eventhough i'm still in middleschool he and i shared a collage dorm, he had top bunk and i had bottom. there where two more people on the other side of the room but i forget who they were. Seki-sama had just transfered from japan and didn't speak good english. everyone made fun of him, except me, because i'm into Japanese, so despite our age gap and the point that i was still in middleschool and just somehow majically ended up in a dorm, we became really close friends. he showed me around the collage and multiple times he protected me [the 'youngyin] from other collage students and i protected him [somehow] from people making fun of him. things went on like this for a long time. i had been calling him Seki-sama this whole time mind you. then at one point he said something to me in Japanese and i understood it perfectly, the funny thing is i don't really know what he was saying, but in the dream i did, and it wasn't like it was translated into english and i knew it was Japanese, it was just raw japanese even in the dream, and yet i understood. then another few days went by and one night we were talking and he noticed i was still calling him "Seki-sama" even though we were really close friends. he stoped the conversation all together and said something along the lines of, "don't call me that, to you, i'm Tomokazu-kun." he was smiling the warmest smile i've ever seen. then i nodded and called him Tomokazu-kun from then on. and i realized that i really loved him. not as a lover, but as a big brother. that's when i woke up.

and so that really ment a lot to me. i don't know if it actually ment anything, or if it was just my mind mixing different thoughts and coming up with that or what. but it made me happy because i've always liked Seki Tomokazu a LOT. but i worried about him being so old [like i had a chance anyway XD] and i never looked at it as a friendly love like that, so it gave me the feeling that "everything's gonna be ok..."

ok, today pretty much sucked.. but in spite of the humans anoying the hell out o' me, i'm still happy. because well, i'm progressing on my 'secret' manga "Cyanide" and soon i shall be ready to put it up as a webcomic ^_^- i don't like the idea of a web-comic and would much rather have it be a manga, but meh, web-manga i shall have to live with until i anoy tokyo-pop enough that they publish me XD

wow, i'm actually writing inna diary? wow! well i've had an elftown account before i had an actual elfwood acount and this is weird! i now have a site in every part of elfwood except fanart and i love it! *snuggles elfwood* this place is the best!

ok, today was kinda ok. it was really dull and unneventfull. i really don't have much to say right now because i'm too busy, but expect me to start using this more often now that i know about it!