m. . .my vest came.

*twitches*

it. . . it flippen finally came. . .

*twitches again*

GAAAAH!!

*stares*

i'm so happy. not really.

but really, ja.

maybe.

positive-neutral, more like.

*wags tail really fast*

oh, if ye don't know was i'm typing of, it would be my binding vest.

and no, binding vest is not anything sexual, or bondage-related.

'tis a vest to help make FTM TS critters like meir, look like a male.

. . . and it works.

it's just like my usual binding, only; it's smoother, it looks natural, there's no uncomfortable lump in my back at all times. . . and i can breath!! and. . . looking male is always a pluss. being a male is easy, dressing like a male is easy, facially looking like a male isn't even all that hard (for a neanderthal like meir, anyway) . . . but. . . but. . . ah.

mayhap i'll post a picture.

****explodes, wriggles, joygasms, etc. . .***

:::lurve:::

NOOOOOO~~~!!!

;_; finally got two pages done early, and now Keenspace won't let me upload them . . . damnit.

why the @#$! is everything being so flipping negative lately?! every time i get even mildly positive, something blows up in my face!!

gggAH i'm so pissed. *cries* (<--not really, i actually don't mind all that much, as long as keenspace comes back online sometime before 12:00, cause i really, really hate the fifty-billion person que-line. that's why i like uploading early, but noooo)

:p if ye didn't know already, about two weeks ago I attempted to make contact with a male I like.

XD

how? one may ask? by running up to him, calling his name, shoving an indirect, poorly-written note into his hand, bowing and saying sorry extremely fast, and finally running full-speed in the opposite direction.

yep. see the lack of social skills coming into play?

neither of us has said a thing to the other since. not that we had before. . . >.>

anyhow.

just had another really spiffy dream last night. again, if ye didn't already know, I never dream realistic. and by that I don't mean I fly, or have super powers in dreams, but that it's in a different world, different people. . . almost never dream about people I know, and I’m almost never physically this.

anyhow, last night was another epic.

it was in an alternate-universe, and everyone was being recruited for some army, but it was more of a prison. . . very hard to explain. anyhow -- so I was in there, we were in mess hall which was kinda like this big gymnasium split and one side was mess, and the other was training, and . . . I was in mess, and other people were in training. . .

ja. . . well, I can't describe the plot of this dream, or the scenery properly, but I may have been able to draw it if I had the patients.

but there was one point at which we were allowed to go over to the training side and kiss a recruit whom the higher-ups would then consider allowing to be freed.

and there was the male I like. now, take into consideration that this was meant for humiliation, as we were all men. and that this male hadn't any clue whom I was. . .

but everyone knew he wasn't strong enough for combat, and was probably going to be one of those executed. . . so I crossed the barrier, and to everyone's surprise, pressed a kiss on the top of his hairline (ah, the small details)

I remember the odd look on his face as I backed away, and I smiled, I remember the feel of it. and then he was taken away, and everything was silent.

after that the dream got progressively weirder. I made friends with this really big, buff African-American dude, and helped him escape also (though not through the kissing thing, the higher-ups hadn't expected anyone to actually do that, so when I proved 'em wrong, they stopped that option)

so ja .. . he escaped through the door, but I had to go through the wall, although it wasn't really a wall, it was a spider-web kinda thing. and once on the other I side I met a spider, and killed her (they were all female spiders)

but then there were suddenly like. . . 20 of them, and each introduced themselves politely before attacking in unison ("I am Espestis, I am Arison, etc. . .") and it was hard, but I killed them all.

then I was in this room of doors that all lead to different dimensions, and I had to find my father, and then find the male I liked for some reason (if forget why, now >.>)

but I walked through the wrong door, and all of a sudden I was this Pikachu-ish creature sitting inna tree with two other creatures (one was some kind of blobb), making faces.

then I was back searching for the male I liked, cause apparently one of the creatures in the tree was my father (?!)

but then I woke up.

ja.

so. . . what did I learn?

that I really wanna kiss that guy on the forehead/hairline now, and may have to draw that image (another dream in third-person) because it makes me go 'squee'

and now I know how to deal with my male-problem.

the next time I see him, and have a chance to say anything.. . . I’m going to walk up to him and ask him to reject me,

yep.

because I hate open endings, and the schule-year is almost over, and if he doesn't reject me flat-out, I’ll hate the head forever for inputting this dreams and making me think fluffy thoughts when I know perfectly well it will never happen.

so ja. that's my solution. if I can be rejected, I can make the mind stop. hopefully.

why should ye care? ye don't. but I had to share that somewhere.

(haha i spell-checked it and it capitilized the 'i's. damnit. ah well, i'm too lazy to fix.)

she fed me bacon. XD

before the concert, me mum fed me flippen bacon. my voice was cracking all over. . . >.>

but aside from that, it wasn't too horribly horrible. the higher choir was excelent *_* i can't wait to get to the higher choir, their songs are so much prettier than ours :D

nanana getting ready for our Chorus concert tonight. :D

this. . . proves to be the prologue to a very restrained and stressfull weekend. *shivers*

first, tonight's the concert, and though it's fun, it's also stressful, especially since i have to endure a certain soloist whom makes my brain explode. ow.

and tomarrow's mum's birthday, which while it isn't bad, it aslo isn't exsactly how i'd like to spend the Saturday (being her slave, as accustomed to family traditions).

and last, but not least, let's wrap that up with a nice term papger due monday, und there ye have it. woo. great weekend. ~_~

but wasever. focusing on tonight, and not singing myself horse before we even get there. that would bite. (too bad i think it's too late. . . XD)

the girls in the locker room have finally noticed my lump, and so they took it upon themselves to pass it around the school that i have a penis. which puts me in a tight spot.

because i don't really wanna deny that. (i usually encourage the belief that i have one.) but, i don't wanna have to face a teacher/counsoler/(orworse)afamilymember. . . so. . . ja. i've just decided not to say anything.



and then today. :D today i get to be Ethan Frome in a play 3rd period . . . . which ye know just gives me an excuse to look even manlier than usual.

*cackles*

so i'm sitting here bound tighter than ever before, and i can honestly (and quite happily!) say two things:

1.it's hard to breath and i'm gonna be really paranoid of getting attacked today, because if i do, i'll likely loose -and- pass out.

+

2.from the front, angles. and back, i look like a guy! it's only in profile that there's a bit of problem. . . but hey, it's better than i've gotten it before, so. . .!! yatta!!

maybe i'll post pictures later. *sings a bit, happily*

so. that's good. it's raised my negative-neutral past few months a bit to neutral-teatering-towards-positive. so assuming today doesn't get worse (which it most likely will XD), i'm a happy little boy.

*does a jig*

as ye may or may not know. . . i've been in a horrible art block for the past few weeks. arg. trying to break the block, but without a pickax . . . gah. damnet, if only it was hollow!

. . .

oh. and there's been a threat by the Bangor 'gangs' (haha) for a shootout on Friday. so maybe i'll die. maybe everyone will. possibly maybe. but probably not.

but i'm gonna bring a camera just in case, wear my yakuza shirt, and memorize a few songs. so i can 1. take pictures, 2. attempt to scare off the gang-people by claiming to be in the yakuza and whatnot - and probably die in the process, or 3. die singing.

but more than likely, nothing will happen. fuu.

. . .

on a lighter note; it was dark today. and the sun set this morning, and was red. wonderful. XD red sunsets in the flippen MORNING! explain that one (actually. . . i could explain et, but i think not. let's see if ye all can figure es out.)

mmm. i'm getting into some really odd stuff lately. not that that's very odd at all. . . for meir.

it's too hot out. i wish it was winter again. slept nude, and without blankets last night, and i still woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and squirming from the heat. damnet. summer should be fun. we should get an airconditioner. . . mmm. smart.

alright, sorry, 'll stop babbling for now. but for fun, i'd like to imagine there's a chance of this being the last time i get the chance to do this, so . . . heh. ja.

wooo for gangs. hahahahaha

i love the irony. i really do. (not that any of ye will get the irony, but it's obvious to me, so. . . call it an inside, inside joke.)

BLAH.

gah. never, ever, EVER gonna mess around with this kinda hair stuffs. ever again.

last night we tried to dye streaks of red in mein hair (cause every now and then i put red gell in it and figured it looked good enough to make permanent. . .) but what resulted was/is horrible.

the hair stuffs was foamy, so it wouldn't stay in a controled area, and now the whole top of my head is this nasty coppery/red/brown color and it's apsolutely discusting. . . >.> not to mention that when the foam wasn't going where i wanted, we took off the gloves to see if it would work better without them. . . and now the tips of my fingers and my nice claws are dyed ORANGE. XD i'm laughing, but i should be sad? meh. can't wait to hear what the nasty little prats at in homeroom/gym/etc are gonna say. . . >.> bwahaha shoulda dyed et black with white streaks to match the tail. then it would have been a jolly time indeed.

it's a good thing it's only semi-permanent. . . so it should wash out in a few months. . . right?!

haha.

of course it didn't help that we have apsolutely no experience with hair-dye watsoever. . . because i don't agree with it. but . .. at least et smelled good? >.>

i'm just gonna point this fanfic out to all of ye, and suggest with a fork and knife that ye go and read et! the pairing isn't one of my favorites, considering that it includes Lucius Malfoy (whom i strongly dislike with a little less than passion). . . and one Severus Snape, whom is quite nice. in a not-nice way.

but despite the obvoius turn-off of the pairing, the writing is awe-inspiring. . .!! it's not mindless smut either! the. . . the concepts. . .! there are so many deep concepts and disections of the human thought prosses that it made meir squeel like a small child when given fruity pops! so. . . READ!

http://restrictedsection.org/story.php?story=150

*sniffles*

though ye may have to get permission from a professer to get in . . . it's worth et.
(^ sorry, couldn't help et.)

had this really wierd dream last night.

i was this weird super-white creature. . . and we had been part of an experiment for a long time, and they were going to let a bunch of us (like. . .200) go out into the big clean city and see how the humans/we would react.

it was really odd. . . i remember it ended with one of us 'expirements' going psycho and blowing up part of the city. . .

but around the middle of the dream. . . i remember extreemly vividly this one scene:

it was me, only third-person (like watching a movie. . .) and i was . . . well. . . -me-. (<--that won't make sense to ye critters, but it does to me, so. . .ja.) anyhow, i was wearing this long-sleaved white silk shirt, and black velvet gloves.

and there was this older male. . . he was very kind and understanding . . . smart too. i remember he was the first human i had the guts to talk to, and it was on the corner of a particularly white/clean streat.

being the idiot i am, the first thing i did, was tell him i was an expirement, and ask if he'd help me figure out how to be human. he laughed (i don't think he believed me). . . then i think i spazzed out a bit until i was satisfied he believed me. . . now here comes the creepy part. . .

he shook my hand (nah, that's not it) and then instead of letting go, he took my hand in his, and with the other hand, pulled my black glove off (i could FEEL it!) and began feeling my hand, running his this way and that over it. . . before i knew it, he had felt all the way up my arm, under my sleeve, so that his hands were pressed between the sleeve and my arm. it was really odd, i could feel him, litterally.

then all of a sudden his hands were away from me, and he had this odd expression on his face, and said, "i didn't think they'd be this soft. . ." and then without another word, or glimps in my direction, he turned away, walked up the stairs, and into the house. leaving me there stairing at where he had been before.

i remember feeling really sad that he left, and then crying. it was really, really weird. . . because i could feel what the guy had been feeling, and what i was feeling at the same time. . . and ye aren't supposed to be able to feel in dreams, are ye?!

o_o;

*le sigh*

there was a lot more to et, but as it goes with dreams, i've forgotten most everything else, except that the 'scientist' who set us into the city was a short, blond female.

*shrugs*

dunno, but i think i wanna write/draw a fanfic. . . mmm. . . S&M. (as in Snape&Malfoy, ye sick flips. . . . and that would be Draco, not Lucious, although Severus and Lucious aren't that bad of a pairing. . . i hate "lu-lu" too much to draw him any more than i can posibly avoid.)

although, the fact that i have a fear of fan-art may cause a problem. . . damn. oh well. maybe i'll illustrate that flippy dream then?

meh. dunno. i'll probably just stair at a blank sheet of paper till 5:00 tomarrow morning and then sleep till 2:00 and do homework for the rest of the night. how fun?!


. . .


if ye've just read that. . . wow. dunno. i bet nobody reads et *snickers to self*

~Ouka~

P.S. theres a small posibility that we may get to be a foreign exchange student next year + go to Japan. . . wouldn't that be spiffy?!

although, i'm willing to bet it's just Mum's way of screwing with out head to get my hopes up. . . >.>

i don't know if any of ye have noticed, or care for that matter, but over the past few weeks i've been attempting to make my art a bit more realistic-like.

i wanna keep mein style, but i think the bodies could use a bit more realism-ish-ness?!

XD not like, Greek-god realistic, just wanna work on anatomy and whatnot. decided to try and get better at this roughly a month ago, and have been doing so little drawing lately that hardly anything's gotten done. . . >.>

also, i wanna try adding more backgrounds, and detail. . . improve --- art all around.

so i figure, toda~, since i've got all my homework done early (tis only 4:39) and have nothing better to do, i wanna try and get something done with realistic-ish body, different pose, (probably nude, for anatomy reasons), background, and DETAIL!

*huffs*

probably not gonna happen. . . we'll fall asleep after sitting in bed staring at a blank peice of paper for half an hour, chewing on mein lover (pencil).

but, i'm off to try none the less. . .!!

and thanks to [chilli_icecream] for encouraging to draw more detail a while back. . . or at least i think i remember ye mentioning something about that. . . *shrugs* well, off to attempt art!

*hops away on one foot while nursing the other leg/foot and laughing at our broken water-pipe spurting water in the center of the road, falling down the stairs on the way up to --- room and breaking the good leg.*

. . .

*crawls up the stairs to --- room and draws*

<3 lurve!

<this morning we went down stairs as usual to go on the compy, und ther were a bunch of balloons tied to the shelf next to et. . . and they were all static-y like. . . so they kept attacking mich!>

. . . .

<this afternoon we got home from schule + called Haha as usual to check in>

Mum - "Happy Birthday, Doll!"

~"ger-owl"

Mum - "hehe, so what happened today?"

~"nothing."

Mum - "nothing? didn't they know it was your birthday? i told you we shoulda' baked cupcakes!"

~"well, nobody knew it was my birthday. . . and then Mr. D. found out by way of Mark. . . and made the entire choir sing 'happy birthday' in C major . . . and then he proceeded to tell them all that i was getting a new tail for my birthday. . . so in Gym about fifty friggen females kept comming up and asking if it was true, and if they could have my tail if i was getting rid of et. . ."

Mum - "that's horrible. are you ok?"

~". . . why wouldn't i be?"

Mum - "nevermind. so did you like the balloons i left you this morning?"

~"no. they kept attacking me! except for the nifty green one. . . i like the nifty green one. . . "

Mum - *cackle* "had i known they were going to attack you i would have drawn faces on them. . .!' *giggle*

~ *wimpers* ". . .tha. . .that's mean. . . ye're evil!"

Mum - "that would have been so fun. but just through the ones you don't want in the sunroom. . . ."

<conversation continued>

XD she's mean. just thought it was funny, and we don't wanna do homework, so. . . this is a good enough reason to procrastinate! wha! *scurries off to work*

Mein pencil! mein beautiful pencil!! *nuzzles et joyfully*

et had dissappeared last friday. . . ;_; we were so sad!

ye see. . . the pencil und i have been faithful lovers for a good. . . 2-3 years now. . . und have been through quite a lot together! the gripping on et was even stained red for a few months ('still kinda red-tinted) from when we were all blistery after the rave at anthrocon and drew with et! (et was all bloody ^^; )

*hugs pencil* we were so terrified for it's safety when we realized that it was no longer in our right pocket (where et normally is) in English class. . . 

but it has been found!! we're re-organizing our art-stuffs today. . und in the search for our original 'Heartless' picture, we came across my dear lover in one of our binders. i was so happy! i just had to pop on here and spout glee.

*glee*

elfwood. is. evil.

. . . we hadn't updated our EW gallery in ages, so i figured we'd go ahead und update. . . so like, 2 or three weeks ago, we sat down and sifted through our account, deleting, uploading, resizing, compressing. . .

and today we got our ticket returned ^^-

sure, they deleted everything we wanted gone, they changed our BIO to my specifications, and they even let a bit of my art up. but they denied most of it, on the grounds that it "didn't belong in fantasy/sifi/horror" >D

i wouldn't have cared, but the art we had sifted into each catagory belonged there. . . and it was the pieces we worked the hardest on that they chose to delete.

that. really. blows.

Elfwood was what caught my interest in computers, we saw et on Haha's male's house on his computer roughly 4 years ago, and it got me exsited. . . suddenly i saw that there was a world outside our little hill-billy town, and we weren't the only creature on the face of the earth who didn't have a problem with gays, who liked manga, who preferred drawing to drugs. . .

it was the sole reason we convinced Haha to get us a computer for our birthday that following year, and the day we were connected. . . we didn't even know how to friggen type. . . we searched for elfwood, and signed up.

it made me so happy for a long time. . . not until last year around this time (i think? our memory's going fuzzy) did we descover DA and start posting there. . .

the bottom line on Elfwood was that for a long time it was my second home, we descovered a lot of people and ideas that we would have NEVER been exposed to otherwise there. . . EW's the reason we're here right now.

it seems so far away. . .

now i don't even know if we'll post there again, if they'll let us. and that really pisses me of. we loved elfwood.

*sighs* well. . . what can we say? maybe it was just a bad Mod? i dunno. . . that just sucks. i'd wanted to be a good artist on Elfwood since the day we accidentaly clicked a link and descovered it. and now it seems that we're finally getting fairly-acceptable and they won't accept us.

maybe we're just being paranoid and stupid. i dunno. i really just don't know.

i think somebody with some skill should set up an art comunity, damnet.

recently we had found SheezyArt, and were overjoyed, cause we finally found somewhere to post our shmut! but then they went and took et away. now et's just like DA only smaller. >.> (not that i don't love DA! *hugs*)

~_~ i can understand if people don't wanna see smut, but what about us people who wanna have somewhere to post et. . . livejournal confuses me, and DA's great, but one can hardly post smut there. . . >.>

i'd post et on A.R. . . . but i can only post A.R.-related smutt there. darn.

*implodes* i dunno. just think et would be neat for a bunch of artists and web-nerdy-types to get together and create a site that's truely nice. strict with copyright, yet -all- concepts allowed. . .! like. . . if DA und VCL combined und had a child. . . that'd be the perfect artsite! :D

;_; *thwacks self* not to imply that i do a lot of smut-art (cause i don't.) which is mainly due to the fact that i have nowhere to post et, so. . . it'd just be hidden away in our room so Haha (mum) couldn't find et. . . and get forgotten >.> which bites.

well. . . whatever. :p 

in good things we just wrote 30-some pages worth of script for A.R. . . . and the plot should finally be picking up! w00t! up until now i've had a bunch of scenes written, but nothing in the actual script. now et fits together rather nicely, un it makes me all inspired-like to get to work! can't wait to get to page. . . *looks et up* . . . 54 :D nyarharhar

actually it's turning out very nicely. not a smut-revolving plot like we originally planed. . . which is good! also got a few violent scenes pushed in there. . . and the readers will finally find out about Yoki's past! (or at least get some kinda vegue idea of et >.>)

*wiggles* well i suppose we'll go draw then. . . cause i've been wanting to for a while now. . . nnn.

.> (oh, und et's snowing again! w00t!!) nyahaha maybe Haha will burry us again. . .! mum burried us in the snow yesterday und we just lay there for a good hour. . . almost fell asleep et was so comfy ^^

alright. . . gonna stop ranting now. . . *beats self* warg!

Maybe insanity isn't all that pretty from the veiw of another. . . >.>

it's always seemed kinda nice to me, but. . . wow.

we just saw a few video clippings from a few years ago. . . we were on the road. . . and wow, i'm just appalled at how completely scary we are. now i understand why i don't have many close friends. o_o;

although that was a while ago. . . mayhap we've changed? or maybe that just wasn't me? (goodness knows i don't remember anything except the chipmunk. . .?!)

i suppose i'll just blame it on the fact that Ve just joined us and we were out of et. . .?? ja. . . that'll be et. *cringes in a corner for a bit* i wonder if we still stare at nothing like that. . .??

~_~ maybe we -should- see a doctor. . . (i'm sure we're gonna get beaten for even thinking that. . .so we won't. we won't~! XD )

ok. . . this is probably making me sound about as bad as we looked. . . damn. gomen?!

so. . . i'm sorry if we ever seem odd. er well. . . odd in the way that we got to see today, i never wanna seem like that. . . *shakes head* insanity is fine, but that was. . . scarry.

*prepares for a nice long lecture on the proper way to act*

oh my. . .

OH MY. . .!!

aaah!!! *melts*

I wanna write something where everyone can see. . .

i wanna stand on top of a mountain where everyone can hear. . .

i wanna write/scream. . .~~~!

and i want ye all to hear et!

why? why ye ask me? why i ask ourself?

why do people have things called apendixes when they're not needed? WHY, damnet, WHY?????

i'm hyper, and i'm even more oddly neutral than usual. read like. .. 5 manga inna roooow. one was the end of the series. one was a one-book series. the end sucked. made us scream and et echoed. or maybe we imagened et?

maybe we need medication. . .

but it was good, made me wanna detinate the world, without a care in the world~~~

and the one-book story was yaoi. i'll atmit to et, but it had a damn-good plot and now i wanna draw porn without getting 'horny' i wanna draw people screaming without feeling a thing. 

i'm estatic and dull. such an odd thing. like. . . can't stop typing, can't stop thinking, can't stop. . .but yet. . . we're not breathing faster. . . our heart's not beating faster. . . . and . . .- can't feel. tis to be expected, und yet completely unexpected.

maaade an observation that thourally perplexes mich.

seems that if one loves someone else. . . and they leave them, it's easier to except, because one knows they didnt' want ye. . .

but. . . when one loves someone else. . . and they die, the loved one takes the lover's heart with them, because the lover knews the other person didn't want to leave. . . and could very well still love them!

and then. . . what if you're the one who died?? what if the un-tangeable thing laying next to ye, reading over yer shoulder is somebody's emotions? what can one do? what if one can't feel? does that mean that in turn, the one who was left kept the loved one's heart to. . .???

what does et all mean? it's torture. .. having somebodies emotions, their warmth. . .that burning warmth. . . and not having any emotions to give that thing that's warming ye any warmth back. . . what happens when one's warmth was left behind??

and then. . . is this warmth, this emotion-being really a being? is the person it belongs to out there, as cold as --? do they have the same mysterious warmth? do they feel the same wanting to return the warmth but have none to give because it's infact sitting beside --?!

and then . .. are they the same person. . . hoi.

talked too much. gotta shut up aboot that topic. gomen.

hmmmnnn!! wanna draw someone screaming!! wanna write something untangible!!!

wanna scream, wanna feel, wanna duck-tape the mouth of the warm thing when it bluntly accuses ----- of acting when ---- tries to convey warmth/emotion towards it. . .

why won't the ice melt under the seiring heat. . .?

- ---- --- ----- ----- -- --- --- ---- --- -------!

--- ---'- -- -- ------ ------. . . --- ---'- - ------ --- ------. . .???

- need someone to ----. . .!! but ---'s here. . . isn't --?

in the meantime we'll just sit and listen to the echoes as the world crumbles to the ground. . . put all the peices in a little box where no-one can find et. . . and then burn. 

oooon a light note:

~weeee took a bath with our tail lasht night. . . und et's so spiffy! et smells good, it's tip is whiter than et's been in ages, tis soft and fluffy too ^_^ nnn so happy. *hugs tail lovingling*

~went und saw the opera again lasht week. twas fun.

~found a new passion for Harry x Draco fanfics. even though we've never read the books >.<

~been sleepin' really good lately, even if only for a few hours each night. wakin' up happy is a strange, strange feeling 0_o


ooooon a low note:

~we're having some rather vivid flashbacks of things i've tried to forget, down to the point of pain. >.>

~Koe-kun's distant again ;_;

~we're having odd mood swings between super-inspired und completely-stuck-inna-artistic-rock >.>

~i'm beginning to get that sad feeling inside that we get when we know we have to wait a few years before anything truely good will happen.



on a neutral note:

~so much things that have to be done. . . but damn the procrastination!!! have to get working!!!

~started writing a rather random yaoi story last night while reading "Tempus Fugit" (don't ask, tis a slash fic we've been reading >.>) tis turning out rather nice. . . but . . . i really don't like this one 'Maharid' character that came out. . . maybe it's his name. . . yesh. we should change his name >.>

~lately. . . we've gotten these weird urges to just type/write/sing. and when complying to these urges, freaky stuff comes out. random poems, random songs, random quotes, random sayings. . . all of them completely f@#$ed up 0_o

*shrugs* oh well. blame it on a mental disorder.

warning: before reading this, ye must realize that none of this is supposed to make sence to any of ye, because as far as i know, none of ye know me very well. also, keep in mind that it's all metaphors, so it could mean almost anything. i'm sorry for babbling this all out, but i needed to, it kinda helps to type it all out sometimes.


i feel like crap. or at least that's my first reaction, as usual, the moment i ask myself how i feel, my heart says, "i don't care" because i don't feel anything.

but that doesn't stop the falling.

i decided this morning that my life is a type of path. . . first, it was a fairly normal, uneventful path . . . and then i was pushed into a deep, deep crevice. in this crevice i was broken, and it took a long time to heal, before i could move enough to contininue on my path. for a long time i just lay there. . . healing. in the end i said 'screw my injuries, this is taking to long' and got up to go. all my bones had healed, the skin was normal, no scars, but internally i was still bleeding. eventually as i made my way across the bottom of this crevice, to the wall opposite the one i fell down, all the blood ran out of me and into a river, which was carried far, far away. now this has made me very 'blood-thirsty' one may guess, and i've been forced to drink from the rain as it falls.

now i finally reached the other side of this crevice, so i may climb up it to hopefully reach that state of normality, and eventually within the ideal, even bliss. so i begin to climb, still aching limb-to-limb, thirsting for blood that cannot be replaced by anyone except for the one person in the world that shares my type. and so i climb, and the wall that i'm climbing is set up almost as giant stairs. . . the problem is, that each time i drag my weak and thirsting body up to the next step, something always knocks me off the edge, and i fall to the edge below. . . soemtimes it takes twenty or thirty times before i gain even one stare, and each time i fall it hurts, something breaks, though my body can no longer feel it, and it heals in some crooked way because i don't take the time to fix it before moving on.

and so i've been climbing for about nine years, and i've not yet gotten even half way to the normal path, i just keep falling over and over again and breaking over and over again. . . and it seems the rain that quenches my thirst has stopped. i'm in a drought and can't stop gasping for breath, and something to wet my unquenchable blood-thirst. but it never stops, and as neither does my climbing. . . something bit my had as i grabbed that last stair/ledge, and now as i feel myself falling, i stop and wonder. . . will it hurt when i hit?

i had a dream that me and Haku rebelled. . . . against her father. . .
it got to the point where i was just talking to him like he was some imature boy from schule calling people names and stuff. we said we were leaving, but he mocked us. and so did the rest of our parents. then we began to go, and decided to wait (at this point i didn't know why) and her father said something like "what? were you too afraid to go out into the big world alone, little girls?" and i told him to "shut the @#$< up". . . yeah.

and so we waited for a few hours, and then there was a ring at the doorway. . .. and it was Fyr!!! we all exchanged hugs and then hoped in Haku's mom's car and Haku began to drive. . . she wasn't to good at et, so i looked at Fyr, who at that point was sitting next to me and said, "ye know how to get to Canada right? i mean ye just came from there. . .?" and he just shrugged and the next thing i knew he was driving, Haku was in the passenger seat and i was in the back and we were driving down some highway!! we were all laughing and stuff. . .

i don't dream about people i know. . . . so this was really odd. i woke up in a really good mood because i also remember most everything in the dream except for a few things people said, like the exsact thing her father and us would fight about. . . but et was all so realistic to! which is another odd thing. . . normally i dream fantasies, litterally, even if it's somewhere i know, it will be all warped and shtuff to a point beyond recignition. . . but this time et was so real!!! everything from Haku, to her house, to the shrubs in front of et! even Fyr was real! (although i have no idea if that's what he really looks like. . . XD) oh et was so nice, i hope i can have more dreams like that in the future.

today i think i may try to draw this. . . it'll have Haku and Fyr (how i saw him. . . unless i get word to change et. . .) and me in the back seat, all laughing and driving down the road.

oh, and there was no top on the car either, i don't think et was a convertable, but there was no top, so all of our hair will be blowing in the wind.