ok i had another funky dream last night. this time involving hotel pools, nudity, tooth-cavities. . . and a dragqueen/MTF. . !!

it was all very disturbing. . .except for the end, which was the part with the dragqueen/MTF. it was a new kid in physics (who looks a lot like some Jack kid in class) and he was kinda scary and then somehow i found out he's a dragqueen/MTF and all of a sudden we're like best mates!! only in the dream i wasn't sure if he was a femalegoingmale or a malegoingfemale because he still looked like a normal boy in school. but oh-ho-ho after school things changed. i found that he was indeed going to become a woman and i was all supportive and in love!! WTF?!

. . .but it made me wake up with a really really happy feeling. i guess my subconcience is telling me i . . .aparently like Dragqueens! haha. i almost asked the kid who looks like the dragqueen/MTF from my dream if he was a dragueen today. but i stopped myself just in time. *laughs nervously* i wonder if he'd beat me up.

in other news i talked to that girl in Choir that i like yesterday (the one who looks like the Queen from Kingdome?)! only i think she's MUTE!!!? XD how funny is that?! although she can't possibly be mute and in choir. . .but. . . she. . . didn't say anything. she mouthed things and smiled but. . .no sound came out?? *is baffeled* or maybe that's her way of saying 'get away from me freak'?? why are girls so wierd?! >.> !! maybe she's really a boy!! AAAH oh my gods i would love that so much.

ok. time to stop fantasizing. sorry for the slackage lately.
after reading the entire Revolutionary Girl Utena series while playing Harvest moon in between. . i am now in the mood to draw women with women >.> gods it's the . . "Absolute Destiny Apocalypse" *laughs and rolls off singing 'Make our Garden Grow*

i hope ye're all doing well, too. and i hope ET never ever ever goes away *clings and cries*

wish me luck combating whatever psychotic brain-washing councelor my mum is about to pull out of her arse!

ok here's the run-down.

i came out to my mum friday night and that caused major problems between us.

so now she's screening pretty much everything i do (i'll get around it, i always do, but still. she's watching now, as before she wasn't)

. . . basically the only way i could get out of it was convincing her i was normal and getting a job, saving up money, and moving out the moment i graduate.

what this means for ye?
-i'll become less active on the net (at least for a while. or maybe not at all, i'm not sure. XD depends on how mum's moods go and my moods go and work hours. . .y'know)
-there will be an increase in art (since one of the other ways i've compromised myself into dealing with this is to spend as little time as possible on myself and from now on focusing on work, school, and art as much as possible)
-that's all, i guess.

mmhm. i'm pretty happy with myself and how i've been able to work this out. i think i'll be able to handle twoish years of retreat. for now i'mma gonna do research on housing, work, and college in California. 'cause CA's protective. i almost wish we would have not moved back here :/ ah well. *shrugs* hey if anyone plans on moving to Calli in twoish years, tell me. we can room together XD cause it's freaking expensive out there. . .

((honestly, i'm not sure if this'll effect my internet relations much at all save for i'll be drawing less smut and maybe a bit more distant *shrugs* either way it'll work out eventually, no worries :D))

. . .and in the meantime i'm distracting any actual feelings with "Revolutionary Girl Utena" XD i watched the movie of it Saturday Night at Haku's and find myself oddly entranced in the funkyness of it. . .so of course that means illigal downloading. . .heheh. at least it keeps my mind at bay. yum X3

((i wanna draw Utena!Shandra protecting Anthy!Queen XD oh gods i've screwed myself, havn't i?))

. . .and i still find myself oddly attracted to that girl in my choir class. which is no good for trying to forget emotions >.> gods gods gods gimme more Utena and let me get that bloody job!!


((((sorry for the babble!! felt the need to explain things cause i'm an idiot and all that jazz))))

fuck fuck fuck!

well it didn't go well.
ended in tears, as i suspected. she left friday night saying ' i need to leave so not to say anything more hurtful' which i kinda apprichiate.

not as bad as it could have been.

i had a dream that night and woke up kinda happy saturday and read all day and then she came home and was very negative and i felt trapped so i left to avoid her. . .

had a great night with Haku. . .

then she picked me up a few hours early and i'm all 'wtf' but she seemed happy so i let it go. twas my grandparent's aneversary today, y'see so we went out and ate and came home and i got the idea to check the history (my mum 's computer illiterate) and it seems that she did some research on the 'problem' in which case i grew very happy. because that means she might be becomming acceptable.

. . . then she asks for my websites. i had to give her mute-opera.com and broken.comicgenesis.com because she knows about them . . . luckily i was able to avoid telling her about my galleries and here. . . *_* but this is no good. no good at all. she's becoming nosy which means i have to watch myself and oooh no what do i do with my websites because she'll be watching and the whole point of them was to be more free and holey fuck she asks me who i'm talking to every time i type ANYTHING

and why does she think i've been influenced?? it's offensive >.>

*sigh* i thought we were making progress but i've only seemed to make matters worse.
my face burns.

i hope things will get better. but either way it seems i'll be avoiding the net for a bit. i've gotta figure out what to do with the webcomic and stuff. . .cause fuck Moko's a prostitute XD

i hate this. why can't she just be accepting?? she accepts everyone else. . .bloody hypocritical liberal-wannabe.

i think i'll go hide now.

oh snap. . i think i've worked myself into a sort of negative mood :(
and i was doing so good this year, too. i'm gonna go ahead and blame it on spring, cuase for some reason i usually get art block and depression around this time of year. . .but i'm trying not to.

:/ it probably has to do with last night re-reading my super-super old writing. . .and then this morning seeing the school psychologist (whom, might i add, was very proffessional and nice) . . . and tonight i'm finally hopefully gonna talk to my mum.

i'm just terrified that it's all gonna end in tears. and gods i really, really hate it when things come up between mum and me, because we're close (she's a single mum, i'm a freak. having nobody else for a good ten years brought us close together) she's like a sister more than a mother. quite frankly i'm more parental than her most times. . .except on certain things. and this is one of them. and oh gods i'm so scared.

anyhow. yeah. so if i'm not on this weakend it means that the talking between us went wrong and i'm holled up sleeping. cause when i get depressed i just sleep until i wake up one day giggling like a maddman and continue. cause i really dislike negativity :/ it's so stupid. why is the usual neutral/happy feeling in my chest/gut/neck feeling all low and heavy and like i want to cry?? and i can tell it's that stupid irrational depression cause singing doesn't help and it's hard to draw . .. and i don't even laugh at porn. oooh gods. make it go awaaay. i hate this. i really hope i'll wake up happy tomarrow.

fuuuuuuck. i can't wait to be better, cause i know it'll happen. . .but man. ouch. aaaah *shivers*

i think i'm gonna get offline and clean the house. best to be on the best terms possible with her when she gets home *shivers some more and scrubs things*

totally stollen from [Kileaiya]. . again XD

10 Firsts...
-First Best Friend: these twins that lived next door when i was a baby. we went on mushroom hunts down in North Carolina :D
but the first one i had when i could comprehend the word 'friend' was Mikey, who lived next door, also, but in New Jersey this time, from ages 3 to just a few years ago :/ i miss Mikey.
-First Imaginary Friend: myself. i never made a friend up, i'd just talk to myseeelf XD
-First Pet's name: Starlight the Parakeet (however one spells it)
-First Piercing: . . . i peirced my own ear with a toe-ring over the past twoish years. if that counts.
-First Crush: Mikey was my first crush, too :/ i never told him, though.
-First CD: Pokemon soundtrack to their first movie~~<3
-First Car: none, thanks. *hates cars*
-First School: oooh i don't remember. i'll have to ask mum sometime :/
-First Kiss: ho-humm. . . in kindergarden. . .everyone was making bets to descover what 'french kissing' was. . . so in the unisex bathroom .. .with some kid i don't even remember their name. . . XD

9 Lasts...
-Last Time You Smoked: never have, and i don't plan to.
-Last Food You Ate: well right now i'm eating cereal. . .
-Last Car Ride: two days ago with mum to the grocery store.
-Last Movie You Watched: something about a priest and a rabi on Comedy Central. . .which made me wanna be a priest ._<
-Last Phone Call: oh fooo i don't remember either >.>
-Last CD You listened to: Dir en grey, Withering to Death
-Last Bubble Bath You took: oh my. . . it's gotta be yeaaars ._.
-Last Song You listened to: a song by Bump of Chicken that i don't know the name of because it's in Kanji and i'm stupid.
-Last Fight: hmmm . . . i don't. . . these past few years i've become so passive i don't think i've gotten in any fights i can remember. i used to fight all the time though. . .the last one i can remember. . .i was coming out of the woods from my secret fort thing. . .and some kids thought i was a bear so they threw a stick and hit me in the eye so i got pissed and we got in a fight. (i say kids, but i was a kid, too)

8 Have You Ever...
-Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: not a 'best friend' but a very close friend.
-Have You Ever Been Arrested: nope.
-Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: heheheh yep XD multiple times. once at a nude-camp, so i'm not sure if that counts.
-Have You Ever Been on TV: hmmm i think in the filming of a parade. . .
-Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: nope.
-Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: haven't, and never would, either.
-Have You Ever Been on a Blind Date: nope :/
-Have You Ever Been out of the Country: yes. both Canada and Mexico. but i wanna go to Europe!!

7 Things You are Wearing...
-uuum regular white button-up tea-shirt
-black shorts
-white briefs
-gay pride (rainbow) slinky around my left wrist. . .
-lime-green 00 gauge in right ear. .
-glasses
-my pocketwatchthatwouldbeclassy if it were not connected to me by. . . a gay pride clip XD

6 Things You've Done Today…
-cracked my neck
-scanned in porn (now i'm posting it. . . )
-read a few Journals on DA and LJ and Y!H
-let the dog out
-find a cup and some milk that isn't too smelly to make cereal with
-this quiz

5 Favorite Things (no specific order)...
-art in general
-music in general
-literature in general
-politics
-. . .(porn)

4 People You Most Trust (no specific order)...
-Haku
-mum
-online friends
-a few RL friends

3 Choices... (say what? :O_o:)
-i'd rather learn new things than be close-minded.
-i'd draw all day then go to school
-i'd rather sleep then argue (the unintellegent kind. intellegent arguing on the other hand, i'd preffer to most things)

2 Things You Want to do Before You Die...
- live off of my art (prefferably through publishing comics)
- be reassigned

1 Person You Want to see
- ho-humm. . .i want to see everyone in the world smiling at the same time. 

----------------

on another note, don't ye just love it when ye're ready to go in the morning and yer mum looks ye up and down and goes "you're going out like that?" with a dissapproving look. and then ye look to see what's wrong, and ye're wearing normal clothes for once???

hahahaha. wow. i guess it's the lack of hair-brushing. . .but i apsolutely love the ruffled look i get from sleeping. bedhead is my hairstyle XD *fags out*

uuugh this term's term-paper bites.

it's on theater. and how it opens peoples minds. like drugs without the drugs.

. . . which would DEFINATELY be cool.

but my time-period covers such movements as:
~African American Rights:
   nice and pleasant and kinda interesting and easy enough
~Woman's Rights (AKA FEMINISTS):
   uuuuuugh hard i hate it SOOO much!
~Hmomosmexual/Transexual rights:
   super fun, my ganre, easy since i've already seen most of the plays/movies partaining to it. hey, i'm a gay/trans activist to some extent, so it's all good there.

i've got the info for the African-American Rights, i couldn't possibly engorge myself with any more gay rights. . .but FREAKING FEMINISTS!!!

where were ye in theater??? i can't fiiiiind yeeeeeee ;_;
i need something that helped introduce the Woman'sEqualRights thing to the public back when it wasn't acceptable, but google isn't helping and the Rough Draft is due tomarrow :(

i guess that's what i get from procrastinating. . .again.

the Feminist movement doesn't have to be included, i suppose. . .but i'd like it to be. my thesis is kinda hypocritical if i can't find evidence double:(

although it may be because i have a hard time finding interest in/tolorating Feminist websites/books. XD no offense to the ladies, but it's just. . .bleh. not interesting. and the freaking PINK. >.>

ok. this is my fith journal entry today, and i think instead of trying to express my feelings in a way that i could openly show my friends, i'm gonna make a separate account somewhere. no, i won't tell the name, but it'll be there. i hope it's not against ET rules, but i need somewhere public to vent so that i can have the false satisfaction of talking to somebody.

i'm not sad, i just . . .gah.

i did a lot of research today, i'm overwelmed with the need to break out. cause i know now that it's posible.
too bad the walls that need breaking are currently held hostage by my mum on her cruise. 

*shrugs*

love ye all.

(waaao i'm inna wierd mood >.> i feel kinda human-like. !! i need to stop this self-finding quest and work on comic pages. hahahaha)

now to go vent myself in totally unproductive manor. wow. i can't believe i might allow myself to be spacific in my problems XD it's exiting and terrifying, but it might be healthy and that's what matters to me.

weeeee're off to see the wiiiiiizard~~!! (the wonderful wizard of oz)

wooot stolen completely from [Kileaiya] :p

----------------------

WHITES are motivated by PEACE, seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. (Feeling good is more important than being good.) They are typically quiet by nature, they process things very deeply and objectively, and they are by far the best listeners of all the colors. They respect people who are kind, but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.

WHITES need their quiet independence and refuse to be controlled by others. WHITES want to do things their own way, in their own time. They ask little of others, and resent others demanding much of them. WHITES are much stronger than people think because they dont reveal their feelings. WHITES are kind, non-discriminate, patient and can be indecisive, timid, and silently stubborn. When you deal with a WHITE, be kind, accept (and support) their individuality, and look for nonverbal clues to their feelings.

http://quizilla.com/users/rosemckay/quizzes/What%20Color%20Are%20You%3F

i feel this is extremely important and everyone needs to read and join the revolution!!

Here's the challenge: create a piece of work that celebrates the male form or male/male relationships (or both if you feel daring) and doesn't violate DA rules. Be very careful; they are critical of this genre. This means no questionable positioning that might be mistaken as sexual (actually, you could possibly get away with positioning if you include details that make it obvious its not sexual, i.e. Frankie Leyendecker [link] ) and no evidence of sexuality (i.e. hard-ons and fluids). Get as close to that line as you can. Then submit it on DA with proper warnings, maybe a preview, and include a mature content label. Basically, submit the most naked/gay/potentially offensive piece of male art you possibly can while following the DA guidelines. If they delete it, let everyone know about it, because as long as you follow the rules, they're the ones at fault.


If everyone did this, my hope would be that this would make the genre more accepted at DA. If we submit art of that genre that they technically can't delete, maybe they will begin to tolerate it better, and eventually, allow the same level of explicitness in male images as they do in female images. Or at least not delete every other male-themed deviation just because of some vague sexual undertone.

If you guys can meet this challenge, then please do. If not, let others know about it. If some of you meet the challenge, then thank you. If most people or everyone decides not to, then nothing changes. I'm on the edge of leaving DA as it is, so the least I can do is try to change something before I go.

It's bad enough DA apparently has the right to use our artwork without notifying/compensating us... The least they can do is respect the forms of art I love (and maybe lighten up on featuring photos of nude women every last day).

I don't believe I'm doing anything worth banning in this deviation, but if it happens somehow, check my Y! Gallery on Friday, kay? I have stuff....

If I'm not banned, expect me to hang around for awhile. I'll actually be quite content if nothing happens at all.

Last but not least, this is not drama. I hate drama. This would be really fun if it took off. Think about it that way.

-<a href="http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/29691306/">Revolution of the Cock</a>

i will most definately be doing this (not that i don't already prod DA's male-love usually) but. . .ja. ye people wish to join?? if this works i will be a very, very happy boy.

:D :D

i really hope ye read, and will attempt to join the revolution~!

star-wars fan? http://yaoi.y-gallery.net/view/124272/

this makes me cry.

poor Obi-wan. he missed his picnick with Qui-gon ;.; that artist draws the perfect starwars art and everyone should pray to them as a god.

also, everyone must worship the Grizzlyman. as he was, as my mum so cruelly puts it, "the only chance at love you'll ever get was eaten by bears!! hahahhaa" gods she's mean.

anyway. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Treadwell

(dream rant)

ok. i had a really, really big dream last night. crazy details, etc. . . ._.

first, i was Draco Malfoy. anyhow, it was after HBP, and both i and Harry had been caught by some funky muggle doctors, or something of that sort, and they were gonna take out our brains and put somebody else's in!! (not each others)

Harry was all, "yeah ok." and just let them sedate them, cause he didn't get it. but i started crying and when the doctors asked why, i was all "i'm not gonna be me anymore. i'm not gonna remember anything, it's like i'm gonna die!"

and the doctors kinda flipped because that effect was supposed to be a secret or something and that i figured it out was strange. . .but one of the doctors with big shoulders and smooth short dark hair hugged me and patted my back and said "don't worry it won't hurt and they'll still have some of your memories" i didn't get it, but before i could say anything else, some doctor stabed me with a tranquilizer.

it was. . . graphic. my perspective switched to third person after they sedated both of us, and zoomed in on what he docters were doing in my open head. they separated teh lobes of the brain, which after a little protest, separated like somwhat-cooked Ramen does. . . with a little boingylooking wiggle. . .and they dug down through stuff, not actually damaging anything, but like the noodles, until they found a little compressed square of brain. it was all very dry. somebody laughed and said, "yep that's it" and they cut this little wire coming out of it! (like. .if ye've ever gutted a computer, those flat ribony wires? it was one of those, only brain-colored)

then they scooped out the brain, all except that little box, and put in another box, plugging a different wire into it.

the next thing i knew, i was a different person, all dazed and cofused like "woa where am i? who am i? what's going ooon???"

then my cat started to meow and i woke up and took a pee.

then i went back to sleep! and suddenly i was on the run!

i think more happened in there, but i've lost that bit of the dream. . .

the next thing i can remember, i'm being drug along by Severus Snape to see voldemort, and i'm protesting like "lemme go, bastard! raaaar!"

and then another lapse in memory, and i'm forcably snuggling at his rudely awakened body and why he's all "what the hell are you doing? go away!" i'm all "nooo i'm scared and tired and i don't know anything but that you seeem familiaaar!"

and then my mum came in and woke me up cause she's leaving for an interview.

i have wierd dreams. but now i wanna draw somebody's brain being worked on. oooh it was sooo vivid.

it's mildly straight, so close yer eyes. ..but holey shit i need to add this to the lists of songs i need to saranade somebody with oneday. . .!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhm67vUMamg

(that video should be required to watch. GAHhahaha)

current list:
~you are sixteen going on seventeen
~that song from Phantom of the Opera where the bitchy little main girl abandons the Phantom for that stupid anoying pretty boy and they have that duet that actually sounds good (but i can never remember the tittle)
~Past the point of no return (i've done this one. and they answered with the female part. gahahaha i love liking nerds)
~rental cop
~do you take it**

(**=new)

g-gah. . .i think. . . i'll be gone for a few days, or at least tonight. knowing me i'll be better by morning, but who knows.

the bloody website died. and i can't ask what happened to it because one has to log in to ask questions and they won't let me log oooon.

i was sooo exited, too >.>

so. . i'm gonna go draw, and just. . .stay away from the compy. cause the internet really disgusts me at the moment.

(and it's irrational, so ja. i'm sure it will either work out or i'll find a way to fix things, but for right now i'm just gonna pretend like the freaking internet doesn't exist :D)

http://mute-opera.com thanks a bundle, kazix, wonderful server you are.

anyone know of a server that allows adult art, is afordable and won't diiiiiiiiieeeee?! ;_;

*waddles off to draw*

(and i'm not sad, either. just agrivated and mildly flustered.

in other news, i saw brokeback mountain yesterday. it was good, but the sex scene was soooo poorly depicted my ass burns thinking about it. ow ow ow. but ja. and whoever played Inis [sp?] needs to OPEN THEIR FREAKING LIPS ONCE IN A WHILE!!! everytime they went on screne i just. . .stared at their mouth. GODS. >.<)

ok. now that i've done a bit more on the image and checked updates i need sleep.

do this, it's oddly accurate ._. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12721960859055255705

(my results)
the Observer
Test finished!
you chose BZ - your Enneagram type is FIVE.

"I need to understand the world"

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

  * Be independent, not clingy.
  * Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
  * I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
  * Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
  * Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
  * If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
  * don't come on like a bulldozer.
  * Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

What I Like About Being a Five

  * standing back and viewing life objectively
  * coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
  * my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
  * not being caught up in material possessions and status
  * being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a Five

  * being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
  * feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
  * being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
  * watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

Fives as Children Often

  * spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
  * have a few special friends rather than many
  * are very bright and curious and do well in school
  * have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
  * watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
  * assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
  * are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
  * feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

Fives as Parents

  * are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
  * are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
  * may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
  * may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions


(http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12721960859055255705)

oh my. i have just discovered that not all rap is bad ._.
Atmosphere is a good. . .whatever ye call rap people. do they still count as bands? *shrugs* anyway. . .they. . .he. . .it's good. mmmhm. and Cake, too.

but what's better. . .is 'you are sixteen going on seventeen" because i've. . .fallen into singing it at random again. i say again because i do it every few months. oooh i wanna saranade somebody XDDD

but everyone i know is oooolder than meeeee ;_; i cry emo tears of anguish because this is the only thing even mildly wrong at the moment.

i cry happy tears because there's a chance i'll get to attend a summer program at that . . .college. with sequencial arts. especially after that recomendation Ms. Holder wrote. almost made me cry. gods i love that woman.

aaaaaaaaaaand uh buh that's it? i'm working on lifting the extremely bad habit of chronic procrastination offa myself. by putting off school work and doing the art i've said i'd doooooo.

*reads porn for a bit and sleeeeeps*

BANG BANG GOES THE LOOOOOOOOOOVE TRAAAAIIIIIN~~~~~~<3