my images of taking that sweet little chorus girl out have been dashed XD not only does she have a boyfriend but she, and all of her friends, think i, and my fagy friends, are freaks.

can't say i didn't see it coming, but i had hoped i'd get a chance to talk to her directly and not have been facing her back as her friend goes "She's just a normal girl with a boyfriend, do you like her?" >.> i'm such a pansy. all i could say was 'sorry' and then they left laughing and and and and and!

. .. :/ well at least now i know for sure i have 0 chance and all of my pleasant little daydreams of late will be over. yay. 


sorry for not being very active. spring tends to make me antisocial artblock+10 so yeah. woof.

ahahahah!

1. the psychologist went well. he's very nice and is gonna help me get mum to realize. . .that yeah, i'm a perfectly normalish boy.

2. choir concert is tomarrow! i get to duet with some girl in 'reflection' XD it's a woman song but whatever. i'm singing the guy part so it's fine. and my tenor friend is training me to sing tenor but i have problems and keep singing baratone!? what's with that?? i wanna be teeeeennnnooooor *weeps*

3. ho-hum-bim-bum i have homework ._. yeah. and art homework. i wouldn't have any but i lost my original peice and now i hafta re-dooo it. *weeps*

4. i'm very much gonna skip. . .either wednesday or thursday and do a shitload of comic-work. cause i've been slacking past that point of semi-acceptability lately and i wanna make page 100 by next update *_*

5. ooooohhhhuuuuu this week's gonna be busy. and then and then and then why is it that every story i pick up lately seems to be very depressing??

6. sorry for babbling. everyone should listen to 'Electric Cucumber' for it is a sexy song and i now scream 'hey baby scratch yer number on my electric cucumber!' at passing people. also after going to Haku's last track meet and observing boys from other townships i've decided i want to become more confident. what i wouldn't give to sit amungst a bundle of fellow boys and yell "hey babe we're from -----! yer hot!" at random people. well girls i guess.

. . .again sorry for babbling, just needed to form a valid excuse as usual. i'll check journals on DA tomarrow or some time without homework >.> for now i'll do ET and i gotta gotta gotta do my hooomework *is actually kinda excited* it's gonna be neatoborito.

**/endbabble**

mum's making me go to the psychologist today.
i'm hoping he'll tell her 'shut up and leave yer boy alone' by the end of the session, but who knows *thinks positive*

things will either get worse or better after the appointment, hopefully. either way life will go on. as usual.

but i do insist on leaving ye with the summery of a story that i dare not open but thought was funny as hell,

"Harry spent most of his fifteenth summer learning to masterbate."

i love authors. especially from Restricted Section. . .dont' ye? *snuggles up with humourous thoughts*

liek OMG i'm not checking anything or anything cause i'm gonna get off the net and draw. like really this time. no getting distracted by Harvest Moon >.> i need artses. . .and comics need updating. i'll be back at sometime between 6-8 to update *_*

. . .i just wanted to say how great singing is. it helps. i was kinda down cause mum and me had another negative talk. . .but then Haku came over last night and we spent from 9:00 PM to 4:00 AM dueting :D eheheheh. <3.

ok. really. i will art now. i promise to reply, comment, rp, read, whatever at some point in time. but now i need comicing. coooomicing!

. . . and ye must read. . . http://www.aortta.net/ because that artist/comic does something seriously inspiring to my pants and pencil (and i mean art pencil. although it makes the other happy too :p ).

w00t finally cutt off the second half of my hair. i left it longer and the way i comb it gives me a neat bang-effect i really like :D

. . oh. well i left a bit behind my ear totally long and uncut out of mum's request. so now i have a single skinny long-ass braid amongst my happyhappy hair. it's so liberating.

ok. i'll stop fagging on my hair now. i really need to draw. like. . .something horrible.

in other news. . .do my poll. i need opinions. yes i doooo. *wriggles happily*

sorry if i'm inactive. . .

but between fifty bazillion katrillion messages on art sites . . .

and new info and chats supporting my ness that makes me squeel so loudly in glee it probably shakes and shatters a few miles worth of buildings and glass. . .

. . . i'm kinda tied up. so sorry. so happy. so gleefull. sooooo very much gonna spooge in my pants.

ok i'm done spliffing here. heheh spliffing. hahahahahaha i can't stop laughing. say goodbye to the other half of my hair because one half has been liberating and two halves make one very happy and unmistakably male Ouka.

i can't express how great it feels to not have to correct people. oh yes. oh gods yes. oh ohohohoh *spooges*

oops *titters off*


(((my appologies)))

i apsolutely looking my name up on google.

http://www.ashisandy.com/stiyot/arpad.html

there's a comic. i try to read it. it's not in english, and i'm not so sure if that's Hungarian. . . i don't think so, but then i'm ignorant.

oh gods it's funny.

and then, and THEN! then i click around the site a bit and find this HILARIOUS comic about how some chick looses her boobs. she's like. . .really big-breasted. it starts with her taking off her shirt, then she pokes at her boob and her and the boobs get into a conversation. i can't read it, but i guess the boobs get angry. . so they leave her. XD but the sequential art is just too funny! wow. <3

http://www.ashisandy.com/stiyot/ybz.html

i love whomever this artist is. their humor is to my liking.


. . .however. after further searching their site, i almost wish my name was.. .beaver. for whom else gets to give a whole new meaning to 'eat my beaver' and then gets attacked by a pezz-dispenser-like head thing. . . oh gods. and wears a leapard-print thong with zebra rollerskates . . . >.> i should draw fanart.

http://www.ashisandy.com/stiyot/beaver.html

despite language barriers. . .everyone should explore that site *lmao*

ahahaha i cut off half of my hair XD

and by half i mean half.
as in i left half how it was (random lengths of curl/friz/straight) and cut the other half random lengths between 0-2 inches! yaaaay~!

(i really like it)
((mum doesn't *laughs*))
(((however, mum may take me to a proper hair-place and have it died rainbow. for which i will love her more than usual. yay.)))
((((. . .if she's anti and feminist, why on earth does she continue to get me all this gay pride stuff?? gods. women are confusing.))))

*dances* have a nice day. imma gonna try finishing shading Kileaiya's image before Naadcfmeowaehoandthevallyofwind comes on. . . at which point i will watch it. cause it's got bugs and i have a bug-fetish *sniffs* mmhm. then i gotta work on Keag. ooooh yeah *dances more*

. . . i need to learn how to dance. i can flail just fine, and i'm really good when given glow-sticks. . .but how on earth does a guy daaaaaance just normal?? what is normal dancing for a guy?! oh gods i'm so confused and offtopicandramblingandi'msorryokbyes.

((i think the doctor on Harvest Moon is in love with somebody else. i'm offended and desturbed because he's 'liketotally' a pedophile or something ._.))

ok i had another funky dream last night. this time involving hotel pools, nudity, tooth-cavities. . . and a dragqueen/MTF. . !!

it was all very disturbing. . .except for the end, which was the part with the dragqueen/MTF. it was a new kid in physics (who looks a lot like some Jack kid in class) and he was kinda scary and then somehow i found out he's a dragqueen/MTF and all of a sudden we're like best mates!! only in the dream i wasn't sure if he was a femalegoingmale or a malegoingfemale because he still looked like a normal boy in school. but oh-ho-ho after school things changed. i found that he was indeed going to become a woman and i was all supportive and in love!! WTF?!

. . .but it made me wake up with a really really happy feeling. i guess my subconcience is telling me i . . .aparently like Dragqueens! haha. i almost asked the kid who looks like the dragqueen/MTF from my dream if he was a dragueen today. but i stopped myself just in time. *laughs nervously* i wonder if he'd beat me up.

in other news i talked to that girl in Choir that i like yesterday (the one who looks like the Queen from Kingdome?)! only i think she's MUTE!!!? XD how funny is that?! although she can't possibly be mute and in choir. . .but. . . she. . . didn't say anything. she mouthed things and smiled but. . .no sound came out?? *is baffeled* or maybe that's her way of saying 'get away from me freak'?? why are girls so wierd?! >.> !! maybe she's really a boy!! AAAH oh my gods i would love that so much.

ok. time to stop fantasizing. sorry for the slackage lately.
after reading the entire Revolutionary Girl Utena series while playing Harvest moon in between. . i am now in the mood to draw women with women >.> gods it's the . . "Absolute Destiny Apocalypse" *laughs and rolls off singing 'Make our Garden Grow*

i hope ye're all doing well, too. and i hope ET never ever ever goes away *clings and cries*

wish me luck combating whatever psychotic brain-washing councelor my mum is about to pull out of her arse!

ok here's the run-down.

i came out to my mum friday night and that caused major problems between us.

so now she's screening pretty much everything i do (i'll get around it, i always do, but still. she's watching now, as before she wasn't)

. . . basically the only way i could get out of it was convincing her i was normal and getting a job, saving up money, and moving out the moment i graduate.

what this means for ye?
-i'll become less active on the net (at least for a while. or maybe not at all, i'm not sure. XD depends on how mum's moods go and my moods go and work hours. . .y'know)
-there will be an increase in art (since one of the other ways i've compromised myself into dealing with this is to spend as little time as possible on myself and from now on focusing on work, school, and art as much as possible)
-that's all, i guess.

mmhm. i'm pretty happy with myself and how i've been able to work this out. i think i'll be able to handle twoish years of retreat. for now i'mma gonna do research on housing, work, and college in California. 'cause CA's protective. i almost wish we would have not moved back here :/ ah well. *shrugs* hey if anyone plans on moving to Calli in twoish years, tell me. we can room together XD cause it's freaking expensive out there. . .

((honestly, i'm not sure if this'll effect my internet relations much at all save for i'll be drawing less smut and maybe a bit more distant *shrugs* either way it'll work out eventually, no worries :D))

. . .and in the meantime i'm distracting any actual feelings with "Revolutionary Girl Utena" XD i watched the movie of it Saturday Night at Haku's and find myself oddly entranced in the funkyness of it. . .so of course that means illigal downloading. . .heheh. at least it keeps my mind at bay. yum X3

((i wanna draw Utena!Shandra protecting Anthy!Queen XD oh gods i've screwed myself, havn't i?))

. . .and i still find myself oddly attracted to that girl in my choir class. which is no good for trying to forget emotions >.> gods gods gods gimme more Utena and let me get that bloody job!!


((((sorry for the babble!! felt the need to explain things cause i'm an idiot and all that jazz))))

fuck fuck fuck!

well it didn't go well.
ended in tears, as i suspected. she left friday night saying ' i need to leave so not to say anything more hurtful' which i kinda apprichiate.

not as bad as it could have been.

i had a dream that night and woke up kinda happy saturday and read all day and then she came home and was very negative and i felt trapped so i left to avoid her. . .

had a great night with Haku. . .

then she picked me up a few hours early and i'm all 'wtf' but she seemed happy so i let it go. twas my grandparent's aneversary today, y'see so we went out and ate and came home and i got the idea to check the history (my mum 's computer illiterate) and it seems that she did some research on the 'problem' in which case i grew very happy. because that means she might be becomming acceptable.

. . . then she asks for my websites. i had to give her mute-opera.com and broken.comicgenesis.com because she knows about them . . . luckily i was able to avoid telling her about my galleries and here. . . *_* but this is no good. no good at all. she's becoming nosy which means i have to watch myself and oooh no what do i do with my websites because she'll be watching and the whole point of them was to be more free and holey fuck she asks me who i'm talking to every time i type ANYTHING

and why does she think i've been influenced?? it's offensive >.>

*sigh* i thought we were making progress but i've only seemed to make matters worse.
my face burns.

i hope things will get better. but either way it seems i'll be avoiding the net for a bit. i've gotta figure out what to do with the webcomic and stuff. . .cause fuck Moko's a prostitute XD

i hate this. why can't she just be accepting?? she accepts everyone else. . .bloody hypocritical liberal-wannabe.

i think i'll go hide now.

oh snap. . i think i've worked myself into a sort of negative mood :(
and i was doing so good this year, too. i'm gonna go ahead and blame it on spring, cuase for some reason i usually get art block and depression around this time of year. . .but i'm trying not to.

:/ it probably has to do with last night re-reading my super-super old writing. . .and then this morning seeing the school psychologist (whom, might i add, was very proffessional and nice) . . . and tonight i'm finally hopefully gonna talk to my mum.

i'm just terrified that it's all gonna end in tears. and gods i really, really hate it when things come up between mum and me, because we're close (she's a single mum, i'm a freak. having nobody else for a good ten years brought us close together) she's like a sister more than a mother. quite frankly i'm more parental than her most times. . .except on certain things. and this is one of them. and oh gods i'm so scared.

anyhow. yeah. so if i'm not on this weakend it means that the talking between us went wrong and i'm holled up sleeping. cause when i get depressed i just sleep until i wake up one day giggling like a maddman and continue. cause i really dislike negativity :/ it's so stupid. why is the usual neutral/happy feeling in my chest/gut/neck feeling all low and heavy and like i want to cry?? and i can tell it's that stupid irrational depression cause singing doesn't help and it's hard to draw . .. and i don't even laugh at porn. oooh gods. make it go awaaay. i hate this. i really hope i'll wake up happy tomarrow.

fuuuuuuck. i can't wait to be better, cause i know it'll happen. . .but man. ouch. aaaah *shivers*

i think i'm gonna get offline and clean the house. best to be on the best terms possible with her when she gets home *shivers some more and scrubs things*

totally stollen from [Kileaiya]. . again XD

10 Firsts...
-First Best Friend: these twins that lived next door when i was a baby. we went on mushroom hunts down in North Carolina :D
but the first one i had when i could comprehend the word 'friend' was Mikey, who lived next door, also, but in New Jersey this time, from ages 3 to just a few years ago :/ i miss Mikey.
-First Imaginary Friend: myself. i never made a friend up, i'd just talk to myseeelf XD
-First Pet's name: Starlight the Parakeet (however one spells it)
-First Piercing: . . . i peirced my own ear with a toe-ring over the past twoish years. if that counts.
-First Crush: Mikey was my first crush, too :/ i never told him, though.
-First CD: Pokemon soundtrack to their first movie~~<3
-First Car: none, thanks. *hates cars*
-First School: oooh i don't remember. i'll have to ask mum sometime :/
-First Kiss: ho-humm. . . in kindergarden. . .everyone was making bets to descover what 'french kissing' was. . . so in the unisex bathroom .. .with some kid i don't even remember their name. . . XD

9 Lasts...
-Last Time You Smoked: never have, and i don't plan to.
-Last Food You Ate: well right now i'm eating cereal. . .
-Last Car Ride: two days ago with mum to the grocery store.
-Last Movie You Watched: something about a priest and a rabi on Comedy Central. . .which made me wanna be a priest ._<
-Last Phone Call: oh fooo i don't remember either >.>
-Last CD You listened to: Dir en grey, Withering to Death
-Last Bubble Bath You took: oh my. . . it's gotta be yeaaars ._.
-Last Song You listened to: a song by Bump of Chicken that i don't know the name of because it's in Kanji and i'm stupid.
-Last Fight: hmmm . . . i don't. . . these past few years i've become so passive i don't think i've gotten in any fights i can remember. i used to fight all the time though. . .the last one i can remember. . .i was coming out of the woods from my secret fort thing. . .and some kids thought i was a bear so they threw a stick and hit me in the eye so i got pissed and we got in a fight. (i say kids, but i was a kid, too)

8 Have You Ever...
-Have You Ever Dated a Best Friend: not a 'best friend' but a very close friend.
-Have You Ever Been Arrested: nope.
-Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: heheheh yep XD multiple times. once at a nude-camp, so i'm not sure if that counts.
-Have You Ever Been on TV: hmmm i think in the filming of a parade. . .
-Have You Ever Kissed Someone and Regretted It: nope.
-Have You Ever Cheated on Your bf/gf: haven't, and never would, either.
-Have You Ever Been on a Blind Date: nope :/
-Have You Ever Been out of the Country: yes. both Canada and Mexico. but i wanna go to Europe!!

7 Things You are Wearing...
-uuum regular white button-up tea-shirt
-black shorts
-white briefs
-gay pride (rainbow) slinky around my left wrist. . .
-lime-green 00 gauge in right ear. .
-glasses
-my pocketwatchthatwouldbeclassy if it were not connected to me by. . . a gay pride clip XD

6 Things You've Done Today…
-cracked my neck
-scanned in porn (now i'm posting it. . . )
-read a few Journals on DA and LJ and Y!H
-let the dog out
-find a cup and some milk that isn't too smelly to make cereal with
-this quiz

5 Favorite Things (no specific order)...
-art in general
-music in general
-literature in general
-politics
-. . .(porn)

4 People You Most Trust (no specific order)...
-Haku
-mum
-online friends
-a few RL friends

3 Choices... (say what? :O_o:)
-i'd rather learn new things than be close-minded.
-i'd draw all day then go to school
-i'd rather sleep then argue (the unintellegent kind. intellegent arguing on the other hand, i'd preffer to most things)

2 Things You Want to do Before You Die...
- live off of my art (prefferably through publishing comics)
- be reassigned

1 Person You Want to see
- ho-humm. . .i want to see everyone in the world smiling at the same time. 

----------------

on another note, don't ye just love it when ye're ready to go in the morning and yer mum looks ye up and down and goes "you're going out like that?" with a dissapproving look. and then ye look to see what's wrong, and ye're wearing normal clothes for once???

hahahaha. wow. i guess it's the lack of hair-brushing. . .but i apsolutely love the ruffled look i get from sleeping. bedhead is my hairstyle XD *fags out*

uuugh this term's term-paper bites.

it's on theater. and how it opens peoples minds. like drugs without the drugs.

. . . which would DEFINATELY be cool.

but my time-period covers such movements as:
~African American Rights:
   nice and pleasant and kinda interesting and easy enough
~Woman's Rights (AKA FEMINISTS):
   uuuuuugh hard i hate it SOOO much!
~Hmomosmexual/Transexual rights:
   super fun, my ganre, easy since i've already seen most of the plays/movies partaining to it. hey, i'm a gay/trans activist to some extent, so it's all good there.

i've got the info for the African-American Rights, i couldn't possibly engorge myself with any more gay rights. . .but FREAKING FEMINISTS!!!

where were ye in theater??? i can't fiiiiind yeeeeeee ;_;
i need something that helped introduce the Woman'sEqualRights thing to the public back when it wasn't acceptable, but google isn't helping and the Rough Draft is due tomarrow :(

i guess that's what i get from procrastinating. . .again.

the Feminist movement doesn't have to be included, i suppose. . .but i'd like it to be. my thesis is kinda hypocritical if i can't find evidence double:(

although it may be because i have a hard time finding interest in/tolorating Feminist websites/books. XD no offense to the ladies, but it's just. . .bleh. not interesting. and the freaking PINK. >.>

ok. this is my fith journal entry today, and i think instead of trying to express my feelings in a way that i could openly show my friends, i'm gonna make a separate account somewhere. no, i won't tell the name, but it'll be there. i hope it's not against ET rules, but i need somewhere public to vent so that i can have the false satisfaction of talking to somebody.

i'm not sad, i just . . .gah.

i did a lot of research today, i'm overwelmed with the need to break out. cause i know now that it's posible.
too bad the walls that need breaking are currently held hostage by my mum on her cruise. 

*shrugs*

love ye all.

(waaao i'm inna wierd mood >.> i feel kinda human-like. !! i need to stop this self-finding quest and work on comic pages. hahahaha)

now to go vent myself in totally unproductive manor. wow. i can't believe i might allow myself to be spacific in my problems XD it's exiting and terrifying, but it might be healthy and that's what matters to me.

weeeee're off to see the wiiiiiizard~~!! (the wonderful wizard of oz)

wooot stolen completely from [Kileaiya] :p

----------------------

WHITES are motivated by PEACE, seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. (Feeling good is more important than being good.) They are typically quiet by nature, they process things very deeply and objectively, and they are by far the best listeners of all the colors. They respect people who are kind, but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.

WHITES need their quiet independence and refuse to be controlled by others. WHITES want to do things their own way, in their own time. They ask little of others, and resent others demanding much of them. WHITES are much stronger than people think because they dont reveal their feelings. WHITES are kind, non-discriminate, patient and can be indecisive, timid, and silently stubborn. When you deal with a WHITE, be kind, accept (and support) their individuality, and look for nonverbal clues to their feelings.

http://quizilla.com/users/rosemckay/quizzes/What%20Color%20Are%20You%3F