Beloved,

Here I sit again I just wonder. Why is everything always my fault? How come the world seems to be crashing over me even though people say they care? How come so many people love me and befriend me, yet none are here when I need them most?

These questions are questions I wonder often. I lay in my bed at night and think this. I cry because of this. Its eating me alive. You only have so much of yourself you can give out. My life is sorry. I'm sorry...I mean nothing...and I'm useless...and I don't know why I'm still here or why I was created.

Last night was bad...I went on a psycho trip with my razor blade friend, bob, and well, although I feel better because of it...it has only left scars to remind me of past pains. *sigh* I don't know how I cope with things anymore. Everything is blown out of proportion and nothing makes sense anymore. I feel more alone then I ever have...and its not getting better only worse...

For six months I have lain in this pit of depression...snare and entrapment of hate, anger, jealousy, sandness...and pity...for too long have I lain here. But there is no hope of getting up...because no one is willing to help me up. They all look at me with accusing eyes...all too afraid to come and help me...to befriend me and give me something to live for. The ones that are brave enough to venture close to my pit are consumed by it...brought down with me...either that or they stab me in the back...only increasing my pain...

Why do I suffer so? Why must I be here when the people I care most about are somewhere else? Why can't I be with them...*sigh* Life seems so purposeless...why...I am alone...utterly alone....

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Well I'm back to write some more...*sigh* I always wonder if anyone knows how I feel...Obviously someone has to...cuz ya know I can't be completely alone...I found this little diddy on elfwood.com and it spoke to me:

The sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin easily. I'm numb to the pain, numb to the blood, too numb to realize what's happening, to realize what i'm doing. One cut follows another and another 'till I can't stop. Blood drips down my arm, tears roll down my cheeks. What have I done? All I can do is watch my own blood spill. Spill down my body. Gentle drips on the floor, funny, I can so calmly watch my life flow out of me from my veins. I feel cold, I feel hot, I feel and I want more. My razor is invisble, only red is in vision now. Red Warm Love Splatters on the cool floor. Slashes, countless crimson slashes. The razor falls from my hand. Clinks to the floor. I fall with it, curl up and wait. I won't be forsaken this time.

I hope that that made sense...probably more to come later...

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Well, back again for the third time today. Just seems as though I can't stop writing...maybe thats my fault...maybe not. Tonight has proved rather interesting as always. Was talking to Scotty for the longest of times...*sigh* glad we started talkin again. I miss that guy.

Jas stopped by. That was unexpected surprise. Last night after I had got into a huge fight with somebody I called and left a message. He showed up today, and was like, well you wanted to talk so here I am. I was like...wow...*sigh* I wish my head would just accept I have friends. It pushes them all away. I'm like two people in one...one thinks I have no friends and no one cares...and the other insists that there are people who care and I'm loved....

Regardless of either of these, I'll probably cut again tonight...feelin kinda down...need a release and its the only pain I can control...oh well, not many people would care...*sigh*

until later...
-J

Note: Just so its obvious for everyone, I will be referring to my diary/journal/life history---whatever you want to call it, as beloved. It is not a reference to anyone and I just use it for lack of something better. May contain acts of self mutilation, masochism, suicidal information and violent thoughts/words. Beware.

Beloved,
Today was...well, shitty as usual. I don't know whats wrong with me but it always seems as though no one cares. And even though someone may, it feels as if they don't. I don't know what I did, but JEEZ, I wish I wouldn't have done it.

People often wonder why I cut myself...well, the reason is because its the only pain I know I can control. Its the only thing thats stable in my life. Aside from that reason, it is also a release for me...and I like the sight of blood:)

I really don't know how many people will read this public thing, but to all of you who do, I hope that it gives you some insight into my head and that you feel as if you know me. *sigh* Sometimes, I just lay in bed at night and cry. Its as if no matter what I did...it'll never be good enough. Unloved so it seems...hated by all...*sigh* I want to die...I do...

Until later...
-J