Beloved,

Yet again, today proves to be an interesting turn in events. I woke up this morning for once happy. I woke up and smiled. It has been...ages, since I have had feelings such as though. I think it is due to the fact that what caused the pain is no longer there. It is now...back to what it was.

I'm so thankful that things worked out between me and Ruud. Cuz I don't know how long depression can go on...and I'm glad that it was haulted. I do not dare say its over...but I know its a beginning. So many people have been trying to help, and I'm more thankful than I can possibly show...

Mike has helped more than he will ever know. *sigh* Sometimes its tough to deal with him. What he says has so much truth behind it...yet is filled with naive innocence. He cares...I know that, but, nonetheless, he always finds a way to hurt me somehow. I just wish we could put whatever it is behind us. Man, life is too short.

Scott has been doing more than he can know. Just the fact that he's been around and I can talk to him has helped tremendously. I just wish that he would stop his foolishness...hmm...He'll come around.

I got quite a scare today. One of my closer friends...well, for all I knew I thought he could be dead or dying. This huge horrible thing went down where he threatened to kill himself...and then an ambulence shows up at his house...blah blah blah...luckily it wasn't him. He was in Manhattan...*sigh of relief*

So many people have tried to help. More than its worth to list. Kevin has been another person who has done as much as a person can do. He is continually there...supporting me in every way possible, showing his love and concern through big and little acts. Always willing to fix something and willing to listen. Thank you so much...Love ya!

Another person who I'll refer to as cheerbabe05, she's awesome. Always sending encouraging things to help out. Always there sacraficing herself to help anyway she can.

My last thanks goes to Ruud. Man, without you I don't know where I'd be. Fate can not be hidden from or outrun. Dreams come true...and ours is well on its way. Can't wait til I'm over there. I love you man.

To all my other friends who were not mentioned...I love you all always. And you have all been a huge part of my life. Thanks.

until later,
J

Beloved,

Yet another day of death, destruction, and depression. *sigh* I'm so used to everything being lost and destroyed that I'm unaware of the bonuses of life. I'm not really sure that there are any. I wish that I could just cope with this and get out of this pit, but I find it hard when I have no reason to...

I don't know. Things are so confusing and everyone has left me high and dry yet again. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I just wish that I knew something for certain in my life. I wish that things could just go back to the way they were. Its harder then hell to live in a pit...and its so tough just to put my head up and continue...

What point is there to continue? What gain have I by pushing myself farther on? Is there a point to anything that has happened? I wish I knew...Another something that touched my heart from a poem/writer site:

They say in a relationship when the bad times out weigh the good you should end it, but what about life when the bad times out weigh the good should u still end it?
~*Every promise you made you broke and you lied every word you spoke, you told me you loved me, that was untrue and who would have thought, I believed you*~
You say you listen with all your heart,
so do you hear my silent screaming?
When u finally realize that u have someone there for you, to love, care and treat u with all their respect, in turn they stab u in the back and treat u like your nothing.......
This pain is too much, i can't bare it
you turned your back against me
don't pretend with me..
goodbye.. like you always wanted
We Are Still Together..But I Feel Us Falling Apart..You Are Slowly Ripping Out My Heart..I Still Love You..I Always Will..I Just Wish I Knew For Sure..That You Loved Me Still..
*Tired of the tears
*Sick of the cries
*Tired of the smiles
*Sick of the lies
*Tired from the happy impression that i gave
*exhausted from saying that im okay

I'm no longer the person I was. I've grown...for the worst. I'm destroyed, broken, hurt, and down...but no resentment will I hold. I make the decisions. And tonight I decide to put my head up. I decide that its time to pick myself up off the floor...and push myself...no more laying in the pit. Times will be tough...but I will persevere.

Last night, I went hacking away again. 5 more slashes...line my arm. Showing that times are tough and that no matter what, one has pain. How we cope with pain is a different story. How do we put into words what emotions cause upon us? How do we put into words the agony that we undertake for the sake of another...its impossible. Feelings and emotions are impossible to describe by words...they must be experienced.

Today I felt an emotion that I haven't felt in the longest time...and that emotion was love. It was stirred by an old friend...the same one...that put me in this pit to begin with. The same one I fought with and was destroyed emotionally....mentally...and physically. He came back...and told me he was sorry...and that he was wrong. I was in shock. I mean...after 10 months of trying to move on...and forget feelings...and then they are all stirred up again.

I know that he didn't mean to do what he did. He wasn't thinking clearly. He wasn't himself...he was so scared that the future wouldn't happen. To afraid of himself...so he pointed...and hurt the closest thing to him. Which happened to be me. But I'm still around...so...Again, I open my heart to him...to see if we can make it work.

Ruud, haha, in case you hadn't caught on this was written about you:) Dude, I know you're sorry and I forgive you. I hold no resentment towards you...now, I ask of you, to pick up the one that you knocked down. Pick me up...so that I can stand. Show me what wings are...and help me to fly. I love you dude....

And that wraps up the dramas of today. I do not know what tomorrow brings...but my friend Bob the razor will be lonely tonight. For the first time I'm on the verge of happiness...tears of joy fall from my eyes...and down my cheeks. I know that everything will be okay.

As a final note I would like to say thank you to one of my new good good friends, Kevy, AKA Vampiricly Seductive...man, thank you for being there when I needed someone most. I love you!

until later,
J

Beloved,

Here I sit again I just wonder. Why is everything always my fault? How come the world seems to be crashing over me even though people say they care? How come so many people love me and befriend me, yet none are here when I need them most?

These questions are questions I wonder often. I lay in my bed at night and think this. I cry because of this. Its eating me alive. You only have so much of yourself you can give out. My life is sorry. I'm sorry...I mean nothing...and I'm useless...and I don't know why I'm still here or why I was created.

Last night was bad...I went on a psycho trip with my razor blade friend, bob, and well, although I feel better because of it...it has only left scars to remind me of past pains. *sigh* I don't know how I cope with things anymore. Everything is blown out of proportion and nothing makes sense anymore. I feel more alone then I ever have...and its not getting better only worse...

For six months I have lain in this pit of depression...snare and entrapment of hate, anger, jealousy, sandness...and pity...for too long have I lain here. But there is no hope of getting up...because no one is willing to help me up. They all look at me with accusing eyes...all too afraid to come and help me...to befriend me and give me something to live for. The ones that are brave enough to venture close to my pit are consumed by it...brought down with me...either that or they stab me in the back...only increasing my pain...

Why do I suffer so? Why must I be here when the people I care most about are somewhere else? Why can't I be with them...*sigh* Life seems so purposeless...why...I am alone...utterly alone....

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Well I'm back to write some more...*sigh* I always wonder if anyone knows how I feel...Obviously someone has to...cuz ya know I can't be completely alone...I found this little diddy on elfwood.com and it spoke to me:

The sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin easily. I'm numb to the pain, numb to the blood, too numb to realize what's happening, to realize what i'm doing. One cut follows another and another 'till I can't stop. Blood drips down my arm, tears roll down my cheeks. What have I done? All I can do is watch my own blood spill. Spill down my body. Gentle drips on the floor, funny, I can so calmly watch my life flow out of me from my veins. I feel cold, I feel hot, I feel and I want more. My razor is invisble, only red is in vision now. Red Warm Love Splatters on the cool floor. Slashes, countless crimson slashes. The razor falls from my hand. Clinks to the floor. I fall with it, curl up and wait. I won't be forsaken this time.

I hope that that made sense...probably more to come later...

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Well, back again for the third time today. Just seems as though I can't stop writing...maybe thats my fault...maybe not. Tonight has proved rather interesting as always. Was talking to Scotty for the longest of times...*sigh* glad we started talkin again. I miss that guy.

Jas stopped by. That was unexpected surprise. Last night after I had got into a huge fight with somebody I called and left a message. He showed up today, and was like, well you wanted to talk so here I am. I was like...wow...*sigh* I wish my head would just accept I have friends. It pushes them all away. I'm like two people in one...one thinks I have no friends and no one cares...and the other insists that there are people who care and I'm loved....

Regardless of either of these, I'll probably cut again tonight...feelin kinda down...need a release and its the only pain I can control...oh well, not many people would care...*sigh*

until later...
-J

Note: Just so its obvious for everyone, I will be referring to my diary/journal/life history---whatever you want to call it, as beloved. It is not a reference to anyone and I just use it for lack of something better. May contain acts of self mutilation, masochism, suicidal information and violent thoughts/words. Beware.

Beloved,
Today was...well, shitty as usual. I don't know whats wrong with me but it always seems as though no one cares. And even though someone may, it feels as if they don't. I don't know what I did, but JEEZ, I wish I wouldn't have done it.

People often wonder why I cut myself...well, the reason is because its the only pain I know I can control. Its the only thing thats stable in my life. Aside from that reason, it is also a release for me...and I like the sight of blood:)

I really don't know how many people will read this public thing, but to all of you who do, I hope that it gives you some insight into my head and that you feel as if you know me. *sigh* Sometimes, I just lay in bed at night and cry. Its as if no matter what I did...it'll never be good enough. Unloved so it seems...hated by all...*sigh* I want to die...I do...

Until later...
-J