*Sigh* Jeez, I fucking give up. Life is so utterly pointless...AHHHHHH. It makes me so angry...certain things that I wish not to write here...for fear that someone will read them. I'm just...*sigh* sick of things. I don't know why...well, I do, but I'm not going there...It is time...Death is only the beginning. *sighs* *sniffles* It has come down to this...if not death, then cutting...
-J

Music: Linkin Park - Numb

Beloved,
I had forgotten just how much I liked that song. Describes perfectly how I feel at this point in time. *Sigh*
Also the vocals and the music in this song is just astounding.

Music: Evanescence - Turniquet (ssp??)
Hmm...I think that is spelled wrong...in fact I know it is. Although the whole Christ reference in this song is beyond annoying, some of the feelings in this song describe where I'm perfect at. "I tried to kill my pain...but only brought more (so much more)...I lay dying, and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying...praying...bleeding...and screaming...am I too lost, to be saved? Am I too lost?" Sorry, just thought I'd write some day describing EXACTLY what I'm feeling right now.

Last night I sorta blew up on Kev and well, haha, I didn't mean to. Its just some of the stuff he says makes me so mad and GAH, I just wish he would stop and realize how much I care. I wish he KNEW, instead of just assuming that I don't like him...or assuming I shouldn't talk to him and it would help. WHATEVER. Its not gonna help.

I went to bed so angry last night. Angry at me for fucking things up as I always do. Fuck, I just wish I could learn to keep my damn mouth quiet. *sigh* It's crazy. I'm so sick of always being in the middle of things...so sick of being in buried in this hole. But I guess it doesn't matter. I'm sorry that it came down to this point, but I have no where else to go...

Music: Evanescence - Exodus
Again another wonderful song sung by the beautiful Amy Lee. She has so much talent...and it amazes me how much I can relate to the haunting melodies of her music. Its beautiful.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. I don't know. I couldn't sleep very well, there was a huge storm that was mocking my inner emotions. Perfectly suitable for what I was feeling. My mind raced on the entire night. Thinking if I could only go back in time and fix EVERYTHING I screwed up. Its such shit how I always mess everything up. Jeez, I'm so tired of getting up only to feel guilty and scared that I can't mend what I've done. I mean honestly, how do I know if I can fix something that I've fucked up? For all I know, Kev could just go off and hate me and never talk to me again...and that scares me. It would by far be the last straw in which I open myself up.

Kev, if you're reading this, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I blew up on you and I don't understand what exactly it was that made me so mad. I'm sorry I left...I'm so sorry. I couldn't sleep last night cuz I was thinking of you. *sigh* You do everything you've wanted to. You take me away...you make me happy...you make the pain where I can handle it. Kev, you are such a huge part of my life right now...and I need you. I love you so much.

"27 on top.. 7 on bottom.. 12 on side..."
Still trying to figure that one out...what does it mean? Anyways, I'm gonna wrap this up. Enough of my selfish worries and retarded ways. Kev, I do love you...more than life itself. :)

until later...
J

Beloved,

The date on this thing is so fucked up....jeez, its OFF. Anyways, well, things today have been more than could have been expected. I'm...I'm so afraid to open myself up to people, yet I see myself doing it. I feel the walls coming down...people coming to me...and me caring. This has only lead to pain and destruction before, can I handle it this time?

*sigh* I haven't cut in about a week, and I need to...but I can't. I made a promise to a very special person who I love very much that I wouldn't...and well, I'm trying harder than hell to stick to that promise. Jeez, being denied an addiction and trying to cope with it is so very hard.

I don't feel like being completely and utterly open today. I can't come up with any descriptive things to say about my mood. I think that I'm...I'm content where I am for now. I'm not mad...in fact, pretty happy, and to someone, I think I'm in love. Who that is its none of your business...but the person knows it. I love you! *grins*

I don't know how I switch from mood swing to mood swing each day, but it is more than annoying. It is GOD I HATE IT. *sigh* Oh well, I'm trying to cope.

Today went through pretty fast actually. Spent most of my time on here talkin to people I care about...and those I don't. Scotty asked if I wanted to go and have pizza with him at the pizza barn and I was like, "Sure, why not." Wasn't half bad. I haven't been out of this house in so long...it was great.

I don't know where me and Ruud stand. I haven't talk to him in two days. Hmm...I know he's not avoiding me...prolly either not there or just busy...guess I just miss him. :( Oh well, I guess I'll cope. Since I have no interesting paradies to write about, I think I'm just gonna go.

Until later,
J

Beloved,

It has been two days since my last entry and I regret not writing to you every minute. I don't know why I haven't written...other than I've been in too much to really do so. I can't begin to describe how I feel right now...my head hurts...I have a stomach ache...I feel as though nothing will ever be right again. I see the sun...but it is no longer shining...it has gone black.

A pit in my soul has begun to form...I don't know where it came from...or how I was cursed with it...but I feel myself being sucked down to a lower place then ever before. Suddenly everything that has mattered to me has just smacked me in the head and is destroying me. I don't know what I did...

I'm trying so hard right now to hold back the tears I feel deep inside. Lately, it has been as if someone turned on the water and it won't stop. I don't know about anything anymore...the things I once knew no longer hold true. Boy how life is confusing. Whats the point of continuing on when there is nothing left to light your path? When there is no longer a goal to reach at the end of the path?

*sigh* So many people care...and yet I feel utterly alone. So many people love me...and yet I feel used, hated, and despised by all. So many people want to help me...but are unable to do so, because I'm stranded in this pit...unable to crawl out...unable to escape. *Lip quivers* I don't know...I..I don't know how much longer I can take this...it hurts worse then I thought it could.

Some how I always have a way of opening myself and making me vulnerable...I must retreat to my fortress of loneliness. Must go back to my castle of pain...where all walls close in to keep me safe...

My mansion of misery lies beyond the lakes of laceration...deep in the forest of fear...surrounded by a moat of malice, malady, and misery...this...this is where my home of hell lies. It is here where I sit in my chair of cowardice...and cry. Here where my life bleeds out of me...through scars, cuts, and slices I alone have created. Four walls that keep me safe...yet, isolate me like nothing else. These barriers are the only thing that I can do to defend myself against the pain the world causes. Locked inside these walls of worry and woe am I solely safe from the enemy that I call the world.

No matter what I do...or where I turn, hurt is just a footstep away...following me as though a stalker on a deadly mission. Its this pain that drives me to make rash decisions about myself. Its this fear that creeps into my mind and controls my thoughts, words, and actions. This insanity that I call life...

Its as though my life rests solely on a cliff. And no matter how hard I try to pull myself up I can't. I seek means to do so, since no one will help me up. And when they do, they are only lost to the darkness...lost in my cloud of confusion and destruction.

Why have I been forsaken? Why have I been forgotten? Sadly alone...destroyed...feeling regret for even bothering to continue. How I wish that my miseries would be ended and I could just...for once, hold my head up and tears not be visible in my eyes.

Once again...suicide slowly creeps into my mind. Cutting and doing damage to myself no longer seem to matter...so what if I hurt myself? Who cares enough to help me out of this maze? Dying is not a punishment...its not something that is sad...it is a release...A real release into something that no one has control over...

*sigh* I'm so worried about certain people right now. Kev, man, I know you didn't mean to do what you did. I know that what you did was the result of feelings and emotions...because I deal with those feelings...and emotions every day. I'm really sorry that I screwed things up. Man, I don't know anything anymore and I'm sorry...I love you...

The world spins...my arm burns from previous incisions...life slowly drains from the wounds of the past...as I lay here...hoping...praying...begging...that death will come quickly and not leave a numb creature in torment...

So many things have happened in the last two days...I don't know what or why...but, for the most part things have once again take a shift down from bad to worse...its hugely degrading to know that you no longer have control of yourself. I can no longer say what I will do. I can't say why or to whom I'll do it.

Sick of the pain that comes with relationship...I cry myself to sleep every night. Tired of feeling hurt...and destroyed because someone didn't talk to me...or because someone got into a fight with me...sick of dealing with pains that people go through...wishing to return to my mansion of misery...safe...safe from the world. These walls are meant as containment...isolation...from a world that seeks to destroy me in any way it can find to do so...

*sigh* *starts to cry* These...these tears are no longer tears of fear...tears of...of feeling...but those of numbness...and pain...pain that destroys everything dear to me...pain, that if given the chance, will consume anyone and anything in its path. And it is this pain that I can no longer control.

At the end...
Lost and alone...
Nothing left...
all alone...

Nearing the edge...
I feel the slip...
No more cares...
from Death's cup I sip...

Letting go of what I was...
Throwing away my life...
I fall down broken and destroyed...
My only release is a knife...

Nothing left...
All alone...
Tear stained eyes...
On my own...

Destruction in my way...
Nothing to stop this pain...
I seek no mercy or help...
I want to be slain...

Death before my eyes...
Voices in my ears...
death and dying on my mind...
My life poors out through my tears...

So to my end...
I call upon its name...
Seeking the close to this chapter...
My pain is all I wish to tame...

Until later...
J

Beloved,

Yet again, today proves to be an interesting turn in events. I woke up this morning for once happy. I woke up and smiled. It has been...ages, since I have had feelings such as though. I think it is due to the fact that what caused the pain is no longer there. It is now...back to what it was.

I'm so thankful that things worked out between me and Ruud. Cuz I don't know how long depression can go on...and I'm glad that it was haulted. I do not dare say its over...but I know its a beginning. So many people have been trying to help, and I'm more thankful than I can possibly show...

Mike has helped more than he will ever know. *sigh* Sometimes its tough to deal with him. What he says has so much truth behind it...yet is filled with naive innocence. He cares...I know that, but, nonetheless, he always finds a way to hurt me somehow. I just wish we could put whatever it is behind us. Man, life is too short.

Scott has been doing more than he can know. Just the fact that he's been around and I can talk to him has helped tremendously. I just wish that he would stop his foolishness...hmm...He'll come around.

I got quite a scare today. One of my closer friends...well, for all I knew I thought he could be dead or dying. This huge horrible thing went down where he threatened to kill himself...and then an ambulence shows up at his house...blah blah blah...luckily it wasn't him. He was in Manhattan...*sigh of relief*

So many people have tried to help. More than its worth to list. Kevin has been another person who has done as much as a person can do. He is continually there...supporting me in every way possible, showing his love and concern through big and little acts. Always willing to fix something and willing to listen. Thank you so much...Love ya!

Another person who I'll refer to as cheerbabe05, she's awesome. Always sending encouraging things to help out. Always there sacraficing herself to help anyway she can.

My last thanks goes to Ruud. Man, without you I don't know where I'd be. Fate can not be hidden from or outrun. Dreams come true...and ours is well on its way. Can't wait til I'm over there. I love you man.

To all my other friends who were not mentioned...I love you all always. And you have all been a huge part of my life. Thanks.

until later,
J

Beloved,

Yet another day of death, destruction, and depression. *sigh* I'm so used to everything being lost and destroyed that I'm unaware of the bonuses of life. I'm not really sure that there are any. I wish that I could just cope with this and get out of this pit, but I find it hard when I have no reason to...

I don't know. Things are so confusing and everyone has left me high and dry yet again. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I just wish that I knew something for certain in my life. I wish that things could just go back to the way they were. Its harder then hell to live in a pit...and its so tough just to put my head up and continue...

What point is there to continue? What gain have I by pushing myself farther on? Is there a point to anything that has happened? I wish I knew...Another something that touched my heart from a poem/writer site:

They say in a relationship when the bad times out weigh the good you should end it, but what about life when the bad times out weigh the good should u still end it?
~*Every promise you made you broke and you lied every word you spoke, you told me you loved me, that was untrue and who would have thought, I believed you*~
You say you listen with all your heart,
so do you hear my silent screaming?
When u finally realize that u have someone there for you, to love, care and treat u with all their respect, in turn they stab u in the back and treat u like your nothing.......
This pain is too much, i can't bare it
you turned your back against me
don't pretend with me..
goodbye.. like you always wanted
We Are Still Together..But I Feel Us Falling Apart..You Are Slowly Ripping Out My Heart..I Still Love You..I Always Will..I Just Wish I Knew For Sure..That You Loved Me Still..
*Tired of the tears
*Sick of the cries
*Tired of the smiles
*Sick of the lies
*Tired from the happy impression that i gave
*exhausted from saying that im okay

I'm no longer the person I was. I've grown...for the worst. I'm destroyed, broken, hurt, and down...but no resentment will I hold. I make the decisions. And tonight I decide to put my head up. I decide that its time to pick myself up off the floor...and push myself...no more laying in the pit. Times will be tough...but I will persevere.

Last night, I went hacking away again. 5 more slashes...line my arm. Showing that times are tough and that no matter what, one has pain. How we cope with pain is a different story. How do we put into words what emotions cause upon us? How do we put into words the agony that we undertake for the sake of another...its impossible. Feelings and emotions are impossible to describe by words...they must be experienced.

Today I felt an emotion that I haven't felt in the longest time...and that emotion was love. It was stirred by an old friend...the same one...that put me in this pit to begin with. The same one I fought with and was destroyed emotionally....mentally...and physically. He came back...and told me he was sorry...and that he was wrong. I was in shock. I mean...after 10 months of trying to move on...and forget feelings...and then they are all stirred up again.

I know that he didn't mean to do what he did. He wasn't thinking clearly. He wasn't himself...he was so scared that the future wouldn't happen. To afraid of himself...so he pointed...and hurt the closest thing to him. Which happened to be me. But I'm still around...so...Again, I open my heart to him...to see if we can make it work.

Ruud, haha, in case you hadn't caught on this was written about you:) Dude, I know you're sorry and I forgive you. I hold no resentment towards you...now, I ask of you, to pick up the one that you knocked down. Pick me up...so that I can stand. Show me what wings are...and help me to fly. I love you dude....

And that wraps up the dramas of today. I do not know what tomorrow brings...but my friend Bob the razor will be lonely tonight. For the first time I'm on the verge of happiness...tears of joy fall from my eyes...and down my cheeks. I know that everything will be okay.

As a final note I would like to say thank you to one of my new good good friends, Kevy, AKA Vampiricly Seductive...man, thank you for being there when I needed someone most. I love you!

until later,
J

Beloved,

Here I sit again I just wonder. Why is everything always my fault? How come the world seems to be crashing over me even though people say they care? How come so many people love me and befriend me, yet none are here when I need them most?

These questions are questions I wonder often. I lay in my bed at night and think this. I cry because of this. Its eating me alive. You only have so much of yourself you can give out. My life is sorry. I'm sorry...I mean nothing...and I'm useless...and I don't know why I'm still here or why I was created.

Last night was bad...I went on a psycho trip with my razor blade friend, bob, and well, although I feel better because of it...it has only left scars to remind me of past pains. *sigh* I don't know how I cope with things anymore. Everything is blown out of proportion and nothing makes sense anymore. I feel more alone then I ever have...and its not getting better only worse...

For six months I have lain in this pit of depression...snare and entrapment of hate, anger, jealousy, sandness...and pity...for too long have I lain here. But there is no hope of getting up...because no one is willing to help me up. They all look at me with accusing eyes...all too afraid to come and help me...to befriend me and give me something to live for. The ones that are brave enough to venture close to my pit are consumed by it...brought down with me...either that or they stab me in the back...only increasing my pain...

Why do I suffer so? Why must I be here when the people I care most about are somewhere else? Why can't I be with them...*sigh* Life seems so purposeless...why...I am alone...utterly alone....

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Well I'm back to write some more...*sigh* I always wonder if anyone knows how I feel...Obviously someone has to...cuz ya know I can't be completely alone...I found this little diddy on elfwood.com and it spoke to me:

The sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin easily. I'm numb to the pain, numb to the blood, too numb to realize what's happening, to realize what i'm doing. One cut follows another and another 'till I can't stop. Blood drips down my arm, tears roll down my cheeks. What have I done? All I can do is watch my own blood spill. Spill down my body. Gentle drips on the floor, funny, I can so calmly watch my life flow out of me from my veins. I feel cold, I feel hot, I feel and I want more. My razor is invisble, only red is in vision now. Red Warm Love Splatters on the cool floor. Slashes, countless crimson slashes. The razor falls from my hand. Clinks to the floor. I fall with it, curl up and wait. I won't be forsaken this time.

I hope that that made sense...probably more to come later...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Well, back again for the third time today. Just seems as though I can't stop writing...maybe thats my fault...maybe not. Tonight has proved rather interesting as always. Was talking to Scotty for the longest of times...*sigh* glad we started talkin again. I miss that guy.

Jas stopped by. That was unexpected surprise. Last night after I had got into a huge fight with somebody I called and left a message. He showed up today, and was like, well you wanted to talk so here I am. I was like...wow...*sigh* I wish my head would just accept I have friends. It pushes them all away. I'm like two people in one...one thinks I have no friends and no one cares...and the other insists that there are people who care and I'm loved....

Regardless of either of these, I'll probably cut again tonight...feelin kinda down...need a release and its the only pain I can control...oh well, not many people would care...*sigh*

until later...
-J

Note: Just so its obvious for everyone, I will be referring to my diary/journal/life history---whatever you want to call it, as beloved. It is not a reference to anyone and I just use it for lack of something better. May contain acts of self mutilation, masochism, suicidal information and violent thoughts/words. Beware.

Beloved,
Today was...well, shitty as usual. I don't know whats wrong with me but it always seems as though no one cares. And even though someone may, it feels as if they don't. I don't know what I did, but JEEZ, I wish I wouldn't have done it.

People often wonder why I cut myself...well, the reason is because its the only pain I know I can control. Its the only thing thats stable in my life. Aside from that reason, it is also a release for me...and I like the sight of blood:)

I really don't know how many people will read this public thing, but to all of you who do, I hope that it gives you some insight into my head and that you feel as if you know me. *sigh* Sometimes, I just lay in bed at night and cry. Its as if no matter what I did...it'll never be good enough. Unloved so it seems...hated by all...*sigh* I want to die...I do...

Until later...
-J