Beloved,

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Hmm...that song tells exactly what I'm feeling for a person right now. We'll call her M. Anyways, a while back, me and M went with one of her friends, we'll call the friend E, anyways, we went and saw a movie in Dodge. We hung out and had a grand old time. I've always wanted to ask M out but I've never had the guts to do so. So, when I lie and tell her I don't want a relationship, she decides that we should see other people. Fine then. My questions for M is why didn't she ask me out? Hmm? It's the 21st century...girls CAN ask guys out. But it's okay, I've discovered what I am. I'm a loner and that's how I'm meant to be. *Sighs.*

love me because im a dreamer and im dreaming of you.

love me because one day...i'll wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms every day...

love me because im waiting patiently for the one day you'll forgive me.

love me because im trying to hold myself together for you.

love me because i love you.

you're an angel.
i know i'll never be able to have you...
i know hoping for you will only lead to unhappiness.
but i do it anyway.

I'm feeling strangely poetical tonight. I'm not sure if I'm happy...or if I'm sad...or angry or glad. I don't know where I sit emotionally. But I do know that I'm on a high. Highs can be any mood, just an increase in the mood. Like, if I'm angry, and I'm on a high, I'm three times angrier than I am if I'm not on a high. I don't know why I just told you all that...maybe to make M understand where I'm coming from.

In the past three days, I've added ten slashes to my arm. I'm not sure there was a reason to do it. I just did it because I missed the look of cuts on my arm. Without them, I feel naked. I feel as if I'm not here when they aren't there. Nobody understands this but me, but I guess I'm all that matters.

*Sits in lonely chair.* I'm used to being here. I'm used to being cold and mean. And I'm used to showing absolutely no emotion towards people...but why does it hurt to do this? Why does M cause my heart to move so much? God how I want her...and yet I know...I can't have her. It's something that causes my heart to hurt every day. I feel such a huge longing just to hold her...run my hands through her hair...kiss her. *Sighs.*

*Grabs razor.* This is what I'm reduced to. I don't care anymore. I DON'T CARE. I'm sick of wanting something and then never being able to have it. I'm sick of longing for another being so much and then having to exist without them. I'm sick of hurting...and yet, all I ever do is hurt. *Sighs.*

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Again, I will grace your pages with the story of my life. A life of torture among those who don't understand. A life of pain...among those who can't cope with themselves...let alone me. How is it possible to feel so utterly useless...and yet, be a huge blessing? Is it possible to feel needed...used...abused...hated and destroyed all at the same time? I think it is...because that is how I feel.

Today was another day of torture. I woke up...only to go back to bed. I sleep my life away. And that is a good thing. The less I'm awake...the less I have to put up with people and their petty problems. I have my own problems to worry about. I don't need them...I need me.

I'm glad I finally have decided to embrace who I am. I no longer care about getting "better." This is who I am...and I accept and embrace it. I no longer want to be changed...but I want to remain the same. At least I understand this person. The person as I am now...I know his needs...his wants...his hidden secrets. I will stick with knowing myself over knowing someone else.

Hate
as I cry
it's all I ever feel

Destruction
as I lie
deep within my soul

Anger
as I see
myself in a mirror

Envy
as I look
upon the smiling faces

Scars
how I coped
with the past I had

Crimson slashes
how I cope now
with my current pains

Lost
I am
to myself

Confusion
in your eyes...you don't understand...
neither do I

Until later...

-J

Beloved,

Here I sit in my chair of pain again. No matter how many people tell me it's wrong, I find myself comforted by a blade. A simple slice to the arm offers me such a release...such a happiness...that no one else can offer. I feel alive...and needed...when I cut.

It's funny how no one can accept me...for who I am. I can. I accept and embrace myself. For if I truly love myself for all my darkness...surely I will be better off. Surely I can make it if I embrace myself.

*Sighs.* I know what it's like to hate....to cry...to feel like dying all the time. *Tear forms about my eye.* I know what it's like to cry...cry numb tears...and feel absolutely nothing as the sharp edge of my dearest friends presses against my skin. I know what it's like to see only crimson slashes against my dark complexion. And I can accept that.

I've joined several diary rings that belong to my inner pain. That call to my mind...my heart...and my emotions. They are at the bottom of this page. There are so many people like me...and I am glad that I can accept me for me.

Pain...is where I sit.

I am depressed all the time
I am suicidal some days - most days
I am a worthless person
a complete failure
I am a screw up
an embarrasment
a hurtful person
I am a selfish person
a total disappointmemnt to everyone I know
This is how I feel, this is what i think, this is what i believe to be true

until later...

-J

Beloved,

I've found myself come to life when reading thought provoking ideas of others. I find my self stimulated in a way that cannot be achieved by any other. I thrive on the stories of other's pain...and destruction. I thrive on it.

Today has been a thoughtful day. Many thoughts that I can't control...and ultimately, don't want to. I don't care about control anymore. Control has boundries. The voices inside my head have no boundries. I am lost to myself...deep within my mind, lost...abandoned...alive. I live...only to die. I live...only to know, that my death will one day grace the newspapers. That my death will one day make someone very happy.

My parasite is deep in it's meal today. It is mixing my thoughts...thoughts of anger...hate...jealousy...morbidity. Mixing them all together creating a dark swirling cloud in my mind. It's sucking my good thoughts out and replacing them with its destruction.

welcome to my mind
prepare yourself
you’re about to become
the audience to my
thoughts and emotions

welcome to my mind
where my reality
is merely a dream
and my imagination
becomes my reality

welcome to my mind
can you ignore
the voices
i try to
it doesn’t usually work

welcome to my mind
it looks empty
not much anywhere
well it’s the things you cant see
that are most important

welcome to my mind
it’s not pretty
it’s not happy
it’s not stable
it’s just who i am

I’ll tell you a story. About a guy. Who felt feelings he didn’t understand. No body would bother to help him understand either. So they just grew.

He had to find words for them - but he wasn’t sure how. They were painful. They were confusing. He tried to explain to people. No body seemed to understand - even those who were supposed to. So he suffered by himself.

Until one day, someone appeared, a friend. And the guy didn’t even need to talk. Somehow his friend just knew. And they knew what caused it. And they knew how to take it away. The guy trusted the other person. His friend was always there - through everything. The guy thought everything was going to be alright from then on.

Until other people around him got angry. And the guy tried to explain that he was only doing what his other friend was telling him to do. But everyone said that this other person wasn’t real. It was a voice in his head. But it was so real - everyone else must be lying - he thought. After all, what had everyone else done for him? This voice - if it as a voice - took away his pain. It understood. So he kept on listening to them.

But then - one day - he started feeling the feelings again. Only this time they were darker, more painful, and more confusing than ever. He didnt understand. He was still listening to his ‘voice’. What had he done wrong? He was confused (but that was nothing unusual).

And then he realised that there were other people / voices. Fighting. And, when they weren't fighting, they were talking to him So loudly, he didn't think anymore. He didn't have any room in his head to think - only feel. He couldn't control what was going on in his head. The fighting gave him headaches. He couldnt sleep. He couldnt eat.

And when they were talking they were telling him silly stories. Telling him to do things. There were four of them. Between them all, they never stopped fighting or talking to him. He had to get them out of his head.

And one day, he did. only now they were in his head and he could see them too. Like ghosts ... that no one else could see. He watched them fight and laugh at him when he cried and made him cry when he laughed. But no one cared - and people who did ... didn't really.

It's hard to suffer alone. It's hard to suffer in silence. It's hard to suffer at all. Sometimes it's easier just to give
in and give up...
my love for you...
and i keep returning to you
my love for you will never die
my little razor...
you give me what i want...
what i need...
what i deserve...

until later...


-Joey

Beloved,

Here--here, I sit. Wondering...and thinking...and pondering what it is to be me. What is it with things that get in my way? Why have so many melancholy events destroyed my inner beauty? Is there really anything left inside?

I think there must be. That is why I'm still around. Still sticking to life, doing the best I know how. Many times it's not good enough, yet I find myself not seeking help, only destruction. Is this my own problem? Or is it caused by something greater? While I do not have all the answers, I do know that all of this is not my fault.

*Sits in chair.* This is where I belong. *Grabs a photo album.* This one is dated today. As my mind recalls this was my daily events. *Opens to page one.* *Looks at the pictures.* My life...there is no fulfillment. Only an emptiness...that I can not fill. A void that has no end. I do not seek your pity...just your understanding.

*Picks up razor.* I haven't cut in two weeks. *Throws razor across room...sticks in wall.* No need for that. For once in the past three days, I'm having an up. I'm not sure what triggered it...but something obviously. Bi-polar, what a beautifly haunting disorder. It has its ups and downs. And it causes me to have them as well.

*Goes into dining area of deception.* As I already told you about my dining area...it's where my daily facade is kept. My mask that hides the true me from the world. I must never let the real me come out. All it ever does is cause me pain. I lay in bed at night and cry because of the events of the day. Most nights...there is so much pain...I'm so damaged by myself. So destroyed in my utterly slothfulness. I hate being here, and yet, I can't move past this point.

Why do I get stuck here? Is it my fault? Is it TRULY my fault? *Sighs.* OH well, no complaining. Nothing left to complain about. I've become numb to the world. And that is how I like it.

So many people care, yet they're are outside my door...somewhere in another part of the world. They may not enter my house...my refuge for this life of pain. My place of peace...and isolation...but peace, nonetheless. Here I sit in my chair and wait for my life to end. How I can't wait to graduate...to be out of this hell hole called "Ashland." I can't wait to be gone. To leave the remorse and morbidity of the town that has caused my haunted nightmares from the get-go.

So many things to say...and yet, no way to put what I truly feel into words. No way to perfectly describe this parasite that is now draining the life from me. That's what my disorder is...a parasitic larvae feeding on my inner thoughts...fears...pains...and joys. Slowly dissolving all the things that matter and then proceding to suck them through my pores. *Sighs.* *Sits in the chair.*

Nothing left to fight for...
Waiting for the end...
All of this could be solved..
If my past I could mend...

Until later...

-J

You said you'd always be there
that you'd always care
no where to be found
alone I sit in this chair

Feeling pain only I can feel
I don't care about you
I can't care anymore
and there's nothing you can do

So please just leave me alone
In this pit I must be
Leave me alone...get away
in it for eternity

Looking for God
I only hear air
Where are you now, Father?
Do you even care?

I'm in pain, more than before
Lost hurt and alone
I'm sick of life it sucks
I grovel and moan

Make the pain leave
Get it out of my life
I turn to my only friend
He lies upon a knife

That is where I'm at tonight. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ANYMORE!! NO ONE. I can't care, it's not possible. All I ever get is hurt. That's all that ever happens when I care. So no more, I'm sick of being vulnerable. Sick of caring. I REFUSE to do it anymore. REFUSE...

*Sighs.* No body cares...*Screams* NOBODY CARES! Not my friends...my family...ANYONE...and NEITHER DO I!! You turn on me when I needed you most!!! YOU USER! You're like a FESTERING WOUND! AND I WAS YOUR CRUTCH!! But you feel...and you blame ME! IT WASN'T MY FAULT! LEARN TO WALK ON YOUR OWN!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

*Sighs and sits in chair of cowardice.* *Begins to sob.* *Grabs razor.* This is what I'm reduced to. This sharp...shiny...metal object...this is my last resort...LAST RESORT...

*Stands up...holds blade heavenward.* WAS THIS YOUR PLAN!! ?? Did you intend for THIS to happen?!?! *Slices arm.* IS THAT IT?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!?! *Slices again...and again...and again.* I can't see metal anymore...only CRIMSON SLASHES!! HOW'S THIS FOR YOUR PLANS?! *Falls to floor and sobs.*

-Joey

Beloved,

Here I sit again. Once again in my agony. Why do I put myself here? Is it where I belong? Damn it. GOD GET ME OUT...*Sighs.* I guess not. God has left me...just like everyone else. Nick's like, "Oh, I'll never leave or give up on you." And then he LEAVES.LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. What is that about? *Sighs.* Oh well. I DON'T HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CARE ANYMORE!!! BE GONE! SEE IF I CARE!!! *Sighs.* *Puts head down.*

*Thinks.* Why me...why me why me why me??? DAMN IT. IT makes me so angry I could SCREAM. Why is it when God wants me He TAKES everything away from me? The girl I love...ta ta bye bye no more. The people I care about? TA ta bye bye no more. The things I enjoy? TA TA BYE BYE NO MORE! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT GOD!!??!!? YES I'M PISSED!! I think I have a RIGHT to be. You took my TREE...you could fix my life in just a SECOND if you WANTED TOO...but NO, you hold a magnifying glass over me and BURN OFF MY FEELERS!! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!!??!

*Sighs.* I really don't know how I got here AGAIN. I thought I was out of this pit. I thought that it was let go time. But I guess not. It's angry time. The meds the doc gave me haven't helped in the SLIGHTEST..I'm still just as PSYCHO as I WAS!!! THIS IS IT I'M SICK OF IT!! You want me gone? I will leave you. *Stands up from lonely chair.* *Walks to back room...opens a door.* This is my BOB closet...my RAZOR closet...and I need it. *Grabs a razor.* NOBODY CARES ANYMORE!! NOBODY!!! *Slices forearm...slices again..and again and again...* *Blood slowly drips.* *Razor falls and tinks on the floor.* Why do you drive me to this? Why am I tortured day and night because of YOU!!!!!?!?!?!?! *Sighs.* *Blood drips from arm.* I see my life...slowly running out of my veins...and all I feel...is nothing. No matter how many cuts...nothing. *Falls to the floor.*

*Begins to sob.* I'm so tired of being here...why do you put me here, beloved? Why am I tortured like this? Was this in your plans?? *Holds arms heavenward.* Was THIS planned?!?! DID YOU PLAN THIS?!?! *Sighs.* *Lip quivers.* If only...if only I could feel again God...if only...I could come back...but I can't...I'm past the point of no return. *Bawls.* *Falls to floor on knees.* *Puts face on ground.* *Sobs.* It'll be over soon...My house...my..ho-...hous...*Lays down on floor and curls up into a fetal position.* This is...what it's like...to cry empty tears...and feel...nothing...

-J

Beloved,


Long has it been since I've graced your pages with the story of my unending saga of pain. Longer still, has it been since I've filled your pages with joy. As much as I strive to be happy, it never actually happens. *Sighs.* Life...life isn't a thing that is pleasing. Sometimes, things just go so bad that there is no end in sight. And then, there are times when life can be the best thing in the world. These moments and occurences are few, and yet will be things that I'll remember for always.


Now more than ever, I want to retreat to my house of pain. Her voice is welcoming me home. She calls to my heart...my soul. I feel a cold shiver run up and down my spine. *Looks towards the house.* *Drawbridge slowly lowers.* It is time to retreat to my home. Time at last, to welcome myself back into the place that is a love/hate thing. *Slowly crosses drawbridge.* *Door swings open.* *Walks up on the porch.* Here I stand, on the porch of strong oak wood. Her porch is one of strength, yet wear as she has been through much. She has always been here for me. *Looks out to the world.* Good-bye happy world. Back to my recluse living. *Walks into the door.*


I think it will be more of a benefit to describe her to you. She is an old two story house. Upon entering her foyer, one can see the intricate designs of a wood mantle piece. This fire place is one in which hold the essence of me. Sometimes blazing, but more often, barely lit, it is the fire that was started at my birth. As I enter to do, the embers are barely burning. Not much left to go on. *Walks over to the fire place.* I'd add some wood, but I think there is nothing left to add.


*Walks towards the back of the house.* The next room one enters is my dining room. Here is where my daily facade is put on. Here, bright, new, shiny china is placed out. The best silver is put on the table. On the wall directly behind the table is a drama mask that emphasizes happiness and sadness. It is here that my "Mask" stays. My "mask" of happiness that covers over the real me. *Touches a chair.* Cherry wood is what this chair is made of. A tree that shows strength, and yet, is made ugly by its knots. *Walks on.*


This is the main living room. It is here where I go when things are wrong. *Points to a chair.* There is my chair where I sit when I'm lonely, sad, and depressed. When nothing is going right. *Sits down.* Here is where I feel safe. *Looks around.* Here there are many pictures. Pictures that depict many aspects of my life. Good times, bad, too. It is here where there is a cold draft. *Looks across the room.* There are no windows here. No artificial light, no artifical me. The real me dwells here. My inner pain breathes here.


*Thinks to self.* Why do things go awry? Why am I *Lip quivers* always hurt no matter what? Is it fair for me to be in pain such as this? *Begins to cry.* Here is where I am safe. No one can hurt me here...no one...*Sobs.* It's better for me here. I can't hurt anyone either. The world and its petty problems are safe from me here. *Sits and cries into hands.* No more...*Yells.* NO MORE PAIN!!! *Feels a stab through the back.* NO MORE...No...more...I can't...take anymore. *Sighs.* *Sits very still.*


If the world is out to hurt me, I'LL DO IT FOR THEM!! *Picks up the razor.* See this? This is the answer to ALL my problems. My house has offered me this as a remover of pain. *Slashes forearm.* Do you even care? *Slashes other arm.* Do you even CARE?!?!? *Holds razor close to throat.* Do you want me to leave? Is that what you want? I'll MAKE you live with the pain you've caused me. YOU'LL LIVE WITH MY DEATH...*Slashes arm again.* *Blood begins to drip.* *Razor clinks to the floor.* *Falls to the floor.* *Stares at the ceiling.* So this is what it's like...to feel...nothing.


-J

Note: Riki [Rr], I used some entries from your diary cuz they really worked nice here. I hope you don't mind. Love ya! Also, anyone they may have applied to in Riki's Diary, they do not apply to the same people here. It's my own interpretation of her writing...thanks for letting me use them!

Beloved,

I haven't written to you in the longest time. I'm not even sure why myself. All I know is that I missed you and am more than happy to once again fill your pages with the story of my existence.

*runs in circles* I NEED AIR DAMNIT I NEED AIR! *collaps on the ground* I STILL *gasps* NEED *growls* AIR! *rolls over* oh watta preee sky i see...*laughs* will you please *streatches hands to the sky* GIVE ME AIR?! *pretends to strangle something* PLEASE? I HATE THIS FEELING...I hate it...it hurts...not being able to inhale completely...I need...AIR! *rolls back over onto stomache* AIR AIR AIR...*tries to push self up, stumbles and falls...then tries again.* Please? *weeps* I want to breath again...I want to taste the sweet air once again. *stumbles in circles* God...I need air...PLEASE?! *collaps once again, but now lies motionless*

Things are so hard sometimes. I have so many things I could be happy about...yet, I seem to lack the ability to hold...grasp...touch...any of them. It seems as though no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough for anyone. No matter how much I hurt myself...it'll never satisfy anyone. No matter how much of myself I put on the line...I...will never...ever...succeed in pleasing anyone else. This is a struggle I can not win.

Yes...I'm going back to the way I once was. Cold, mean, and alone. I was safe, you all are safer that way. Fuck you all for using me and blaming me for your mistakes. I was a crutch, but you needed to heal, I gave you time, and then I tried to let you stand on your own. Instead you fell, yelled at me for letting you go! Learn to walk on your own! I had to! I don't lean on anyone! I've learned from being dropped! *cuts deep into skin* I feel no pain! I am numb! Leave me alone! I can't take your shit anymore! *laughs and slashes forearms again* See what you've done? I've gone insane, and guess what IT'S YOUR FAULT! Yes...I shall blame you, just as you blamed me. *smiles timidly* I once was here, but now I'm gone. I once loved you, you friggin moron! *pulls blade next to face* Shall I leave you forever? I'll never cause you any pain that way. Seeing that my existance is all my fault in hurting you! Ok fine *slices shoulder* I'll dissapear from your life! You suffer knowing you killed someone...I forgave you all, but you couldn't forgive me...You users! You abused me, and I let you, you tore me down and I still came back, you lied to me and still I trusted you. You ignored me, and still I was there for you. So I don't do anything for you? You ask for forgiveness, and I give it to you because I care, but when I ask for it in return...I don't get it, because it's my fault...For hurting you. Fine...I don't need your forgiveness. I give you mine. I don't care any more. Who should? Fuck you all! Leave me alone. You guys arn't worth my time anymore! Obviously I'm not worth yours.

I should...no, no...must return to my house that has offered me safety and sanctuary in the past. I must once again occupy the only place I truly hate...yet, truly love at the same time. It's porch is made of a wood that is of old. It gives off a scent of such tragedies, no one may stand upon it without a simple tear forming about the eye. Its wood is strong, its structure that of stability...something that will always last. Upon opening the door of dismality, one can feel the pain...and utter emptiness of her barren halls and rooms. It is possible to just feel her breathing for life...yet, never being able to obtain it. She sits...and waits for me to return to her. She has offered me so many protections that I could not possibly count them all. Her floor is covered in a dark, red carpet that resembles moving blood if a breeze happens to carress its surface. She is beautifully haunting...perfectly suitable for protection. I'm safer here...and they are safe, too. They won't have to suffer my insecurities...my...lack of understanding. *Marvels at her beauty.* Only I know where this house exists. And only I can enter her frigid...cold...yet, welcoming foyer.

*Begins to cry.* Why am I the one who always is the cause for destruction? Why is it me...who brings about my own torture and torment? Is it nobody else's cause but my own? Must I sit here and pain myself with burdens that I alone can not handle? *Sniffles.* *Sighs.*

*Whispers to self.* It'll all be over soon. *Looks down.* I'll be in my own world again...No one can get hurt that way...just me, and that's all that matters.*Cries quietly.* I liked it there. Numb. *Smiles slightly.* It was my shelter from the world, from life and people. *Curls into a ball.* I liked being invisible. I was safe, and so were they. *wall begins to build up* no more suffering, or tears. *Higher the wall goes.* No more fights or screaming. *Wall closes off around me.* Just pure silence.

Until Later,
-Joey

*Sigh* Jeez, I fucking give up. Life is so utterly pointless...AHHHHHH. It makes me so angry...certain things that I wish not to write here...for fear that someone will read them. I'm just...*sigh* sick of things. I don't know why...well, I do, but I'm not going there...It is time...Death is only the beginning. *sighs* *sniffles* It has come down to this...if not death, then cutting...
-J

Music: Linkin Park - Numb

Beloved,
I had forgotten just how much I liked that song. Describes perfectly how I feel at this point in time. *Sigh*
Also the vocals and the music in this song is just astounding.

Music: Evanescence - Turniquet (ssp??)
Hmm...I think that is spelled wrong...in fact I know it is. Although the whole Christ reference in this song is beyond annoying, some of the feelings in this song describe where I'm perfect at. "I tried to kill my pain...but only brought more (so much more)...I lay dying, and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying...praying...bleeding...and screaming...am I too lost, to be saved? Am I too lost?" Sorry, just thought I'd write some day describing EXACTLY what I'm feeling right now.

Last night I sorta blew up on Kev and well, haha, I didn't mean to. Its just some of the stuff he says makes me so mad and GAH, I just wish he would stop and realize how much I care. I wish he KNEW, instead of just assuming that I don't like him...or assuming I shouldn't talk to him and it would help. WHATEVER. Its not gonna help.

I went to bed so angry last night. Angry at me for fucking things up as I always do. Fuck, I just wish I could learn to keep my damn mouth quiet. *sigh* It's crazy. I'm so sick of always being in the middle of things...so sick of being in buried in this hole. But I guess it doesn't matter. I'm sorry that it came down to this point, but I have no where else to go...

Music: Evanescence - Exodus
Again another wonderful song sung by the beautiful Amy Lee. She has so much talent...and it amazes me how much I can relate to the haunting melodies of her music. Its beautiful.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. I don't know. I couldn't sleep very well, there was a huge storm that was mocking my inner emotions. Perfectly suitable for what I was feeling. My mind raced on the entire night. Thinking if I could only go back in time and fix EVERYTHING I screwed up. Its such shit how I always mess everything up. Jeez, I'm so tired of getting up only to feel guilty and scared that I can't mend what I've done. I mean honestly, how do I know if I can fix something that I've fucked up? For all I know, Kev could just go off and hate me and never talk to me again...and that scares me. It would by far be the last straw in which I open myself up.

Kev, if you're reading this, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I blew up on you and I don't understand what exactly it was that made me so mad. I'm sorry I left...I'm so sorry. I couldn't sleep last night cuz I was thinking of you. *sigh* You do everything you've wanted to. You take me away...you make me happy...you make the pain where I can handle it. Kev, you are such a huge part of my life right now...and I need you. I love you so much.

"27 on top.. 7 on bottom.. 12 on side..."
Still trying to figure that one out...what does it mean? Anyways, I'm gonna wrap this up. Enough of my selfish worries and retarded ways. Kev, I do love you...more than life itself. :)

until later...
J

Beloved,

The date on this thing is so fucked up....jeez, its OFF. Anyways, well, things today have been more than could have been expected. I'm...I'm so afraid to open myself up to people, yet I see myself doing it. I feel the walls coming down...people coming to me...and me caring. This has only lead to pain and destruction before, can I handle it this time?

*sigh* I haven't cut in about a week, and I need to...but I can't. I made a promise to a very special person who I love very much that I wouldn't...and well, I'm trying harder than hell to stick to that promise. Jeez, being denied an addiction and trying to cope with it is so very hard.

I don't feel like being completely and utterly open today. I can't come up with any descriptive things to say about my mood. I think that I'm...I'm content where I am for now. I'm not mad...in fact, pretty happy, and to someone, I think I'm in love. Who that is its none of your business...but the person knows it. I love you! *grins*

I don't know how I switch from mood swing to mood swing each day, but it is more than annoying. It is GOD I HATE IT. *sigh* Oh well, I'm trying to cope.

Today went through pretty fast actually. Spent most of my time on here talkin to people I care about...and those I don't. Scotty asked if I wanted to go and have pizza with him at the pizza barn and I was like, "Sure, why not." Wasn't half bad. I haven't been out of this house in so long...it was great.

I don't know where me and Ruud stand. I haven't talk to him in two days. Hmm...I know he's not avoiding me...prolly either not there or just busy...guess I just miss him. :( Oh well, I guess I'll cope. Since I have no interesting paradies to write about, I think I'm just gonna go.

Until later,
J

Beloved,

It has been two days since my last entry and I regret not writing to you every minute. I don't know why I haven't written...other than I've been in too much to really do so. I can't begin to describe how I feel right now...my head hurts...I have a stomach ache...I feel as though nothing will ever be right again. I see the sun...but it is no longer shining...it has gone black.

A pit in my soul has begun to form...I don't know where it came from...or how I was cursed with it...but I feel myself being sucked down to a lower place then ever before. Suddenly everything that has mattered to me has just smacked me in the head and is destroying me. I don't know what I did...

I'm trying so hard right now to hold back the tears I feel deep inside. Lately, it has been as if someone turned on the water and it won't stop. I don't know about anything anymore...the things I once knew no longer hold true. Boy how life is confusing. Whats the point of continuing on when there is nothing left to light your path? When there is no longer a goal to reach at the end of the path?

*sigh* So many people care...and yet I feel utterly alone. So many people love me...and yet I feel used, hated, and despised by all. So many people want to help me...but are unable to do so, because I'm stranded in this pit...unable to crawl out...unable to escape. *Lip quivers* I don't know...I..I don't know how much longer I can take this...it hurts worse then I thought it could.

Some how I always have a way of opening myself and making me vulnerable...I must retreat to my fortress of loneliness. Must go back to my castle of pain...where all walls close in to keep me safe...

My mansion of misery lies beyond the lakes of laceration...deep in the forest of fear...surrounded by a moat of malice, malady, and misery...this...this is where my home of hell lies. It is here where I sit in my chair of cowardice...and cry. Here where my life bleeds out of me...through scars, cuts, and slices I alone have created. Four walls that keep me safe...yet, isolate me like nothing else. These barriers are the only thing that I can do to defend myself against the pain the world causes. Locked inside these walls of worry and woe am I solely safe from the enemy that I call the world.

No matter what I do...or where I turn, hurt is just a footstep away...following me as though a stalker on a deadly mission. Its this pain that drives me to make rash decisions about myself. Its this fear that creeps into my mind and controls my thoughts, words, and actions. This insanity that I call life...

Its as though my life rests solely on a cliff. And no matter how hard I try to pull myself up I can't. I seek means to do so, since no one will help me up. And when they do, they are only lost to the darkness...lost in my cloud of confusion and destruction.

Why have I been forsaken? Why have I been forgotten? Sadly alone...destroyed...feeling regret for even bothering to continue. How I wish that my miseries would be ended and I could just...for once, hold my head up and tears not be visible in my eyes.

Once again...suicide slowly creeps into my mind. Cutting and doing damage to myself no longer seem to matter...so what if I hurt myself? Who cares enough to help me out of this maze? Dying is not a punishment...its not something that is sad...it is a release...A real release into something that no one has control over...

*sigh* I'm so worried about certain people right now. Kev, man, I know you didn't mean to do what you did. I know that what you did was the result of feelings and emotions...because I deal with those feelings...and emotions every day. I'm really sorry that I screwed things up. Man, I don't know anything anymore and I'm sorry...I love you...

The world spins...my arm burns from previous incisions...life slowly drains from the wounds of the past...as I lay here...hoping...praying...begging...that death will come quickly and not leave a numb creature in torment...

So many things have happened in the last two days...I don't know what or why...but, for the most part things have once again take a shift down from bad to worse...its hugely degrading to know that you no longer have control of yourself. I can no longer say what I will do. I can't say why or to whom I'll do it.

Sick of the pain that comes with relationship...I cry myself to sleep every night. Tired of feeling hurt...and destroyed because someone didn't talk to me...or because someone got into a fight with me...sick of dealing with pains that people go through...wishing to return to my mansion of misery...safe...safe from the world. These walls are meant as containment...isolation...from a world that seeks to destroy me in any way it can find to do so...

*sigh* *starts to cry* These...these tears are no longer tears of fear...tears of...of feeling...but those of numbness...and pain...pain that destroys everything dear to me...pain, that if given the chance, will consume anyone and anything in its path. And it is this pain that I can no longer control.

At the end...
Lost and alone...
Nothing left...
all alone...

Nearing the edge...
I feel the slip...
No more cares...
from Death's cup I sip...

Letting go of what I was...
Throwing away my life...
I fall down broken and destroyed...
My only release is a knife...

Nothing left...
All alone...
Tear stained eyes...
On my own...

Destruction in my way...
Nothing to stop this pain...
I seek no mercy or help...
I want to be slain...

Death before my eyes...
Voices in my ears...
death and dying on my mind...
My life poors out through my tears...

So to my end...
I call upon its name...
Seeking the close to this chapter...
My pain is all I wish to tame...

Until later...
J

Beloved,

Yet again, today proves to be an interesting turn in events. I woke up this morning for once happy. I woke up and smiled. It has been...ages, since I have had feelings such as though. I think it is due to the fact that what caused the pain is no longer there. It is now...back to what it was.

I'm so thankful that things worked out between me and Ruud. Cuz I don't know how long depression can go on...and I'm glad that it was haulted. I do not dare say its over...but I know its a beginning. So many people have been trying to help, and I'm more thankful than I can possibly show...

Mike has helped more than he will ever know. *sigh* Sometimes its tough to deal with him. What he says has so much truth behind it...yet is filled with naive innocence. He cares...I know that, but, nonetheless, he always finds a way to hurt me somehow. I just wish we could put whatever it is behind us. Man, life is too short.

Scott has been doing more than he can know. Just the fact that he's been around and I can talk to him has helped tremendously. I just wish that he would stop his foolishness...hmm...He'll come around.

I got quite a scare today. One of my closer friends...well, for all I knew I thought he could be dead or dying. This huge horrible thing went down where he threatened to kill himself...and then an ambulence shows up at his house...blah blah blah...luckily it wasn't him. He was in Manhattan...*sigh of relief*

So many people have tried to help. More than its worth to list. Kevin has been another person who has done as much as a person can do. He is continually there...supporting me in every way possible, showing his love and concern through big and little acts. Always willing to fix something and willing to listen. Thank you so much...Love ya!

Another person who I'll refer to as cheerbabe05, she's awesome. Always sending encouraging things to help out. Always there sacraficing herself to help anyway she can.

My last thanks goes to Ruud. Man, without you I don't know where I'd be. Fate can not be hidden from or outrun. Dreams come true...and ours is well on its way. Can't wait til I'm over there. I love you man.

To all my other friends who were not mentioned...I love you all always. And you have all been a huge part of my life. Thanks.

until later,
J

Beloved,

Yet another day of death, destruction, and depression. *sigh* I'm so used to everything being lost and destroyed that I'm unaware of the bonuses of life. I'm not really sure that there are any. I wish that I could just cope with this and get out of this pit, but I find it hard when I have no reason to...

I don't know. Things are so confusing and everyone has left me high and dry yet again. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I just wish that I knew something for certain in my life. I wish that things could just go back to the way they were. Its harder then hell to live in a pit...and its so tough just to put my head up and continue...

What point is there to continue? What gain have I by pushing myself farther on? Is there a point to anything that has happened? I wish I knew...Another something that touched my heart from a poem/writer site:

They say in a relationship when the bad times out weigh the good you should end it, but what about life when the bad times out weigh the good should u still end it?
~*Every promise you made you broke and you lied every word you spoke, you told me you loved me, that was untrue and who would have thought, I believed you*~
You say you listen with all your heart,
so do you hear my silent screaming?
When u finally realize that u have someone there for you, to love, care and treat u with all their respect, in turn they stab u in the back and treat u like your nothing.......
This pain is too much, i can't bare it
you turned your back against me
don't pretend with me..
goodbye.. like you always wanted
We Are Still Together..But I Feel Us Falling Apart..You Are Slowly Ripping Out My Heart..I Still Love You..I Always Will..I Just Wish I Knew For Sure..That You Loved Me Still..
*Tired of the tears
*Sick of the cries
*Tired of the smiles
*Sick of the lies
*Tired from the happy impression that i gave
*exhausted from saying that im okay

I'm no longer the person I was. I've grown...for the worst. I'm destroyed, broken, hurt, and down...but no resentment will I hold. I make the decisions. And tonight I decide to put my head up. I decide that its time to pick myself up off the floor...and push myself...no more laying in the pit. Times will be tough...but I will persevere.

Last night, I went hacking away again. 5 more slashes...line my arm. Showing that times are tough and that no matter what, one has pain. How we cope with pain is a different story. How do we put into words what emotions cause upon us? How do we put into words the agony that we undertake for the sake of another...its impossible. Feelings and emotions are impossible to describe by words...they must be experienced.

Today I felt an emotion that I haven't felt in the longest time...and that emotion was love. It was stirred by an old friend...the same one...that put me in this pit to begin with. The same one I fought with and was destroyed emotionally....mentally...and physically. He came back...and told me he was sorry...and that he was wrong. I was in shock. I mean...after 10 months of trying to move on...and forget feelings...and then they are all stirred up again.

I know that he didn't mean to do what he did. He wasn't thinking clearly. He wasn't himself...he was so scared that the future wouldn't happen. To afraid of himself...so he pointed...and hurt the closest thing to him. Which happened to be me. But I'm still around...so...Again, I open my heart to him...to see if we can make it work.

Ruud, haha, in case you hadn't caught on this was written about you:) Dude, I know you're sorry and I forgive you. I hold no resentment towards you...now, I ask of you, to pick up the one that you knocked down. Pick me up...so that I can stand. Show me what wings are...and help me to fly. I love you dude....

And that wraps up the dramas of today. I do not know what tomorrow brings...but my friend Bob the razor will be lonely tonight. For the first time I'm on the verge of happiness...tears of joy fall from my eyes...and down my cheeks. I know that everything will be okay.

As a final note I would like to say thank you to one of my new good good friends, Kevy, AKA Vampiricly Seductive...man, thank you for being there when I needed someone most. I love you!

until later,
J

Beloved,

Here I sit again I just wonder. Why is everything always my fault? How come the world seems to be crashing over me even though people say they care? How come so many people love me and befriend me, yet none are here when I need them most?

These questions are questions I wonder often. I lay in my bed at night and think this. I cry because of this. Its eating me alive. You only have so much of yourself you can give out. My life is sorry. I'm sorry...I mean nothing...and I'm useless...and I don't know why I'm still here or why I was created.

Last night was bad...I went on a psycho trip with my razor blade friend, bob, and well, although I feel better because of it...it has only left scars to remind me of past pains. *sigh* I don't know how I cope with things anymore. Everything is blown out of proportion and nothing makes sense anymore. I feel more alone then I ever have...and its not getting better only worse...

For six months I have lain in this pit of depression...snare and entrapment of hate, anger, jealousy, sandness...and pity...for too long have I lain here. But there is no hope of getting up...because no one is willing to help me up. They all look at me with accusing eyes...all too afraid to come and help me...to befriend me and give me something to live for. The ones that are brave enough to venture close to my pit are consumed by it...brought down with me...either that or they stab me in the back...only increasing my pain...

Why do I suffer so? Why must I be here when the people I care most about are somewhere else? Why can't I be with them...*sigh* Life seems so purposeless...why...I am alone...utterly alone....

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Well I'm back to write some more...*sigh* I always wonder if anyone knows how I feel...Obviously someone has to...cuz ya know I can't be completely alone...I found this little diddy on elfwood.com and it spoke to me:

The sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin easily. I'm numb to the pain, numb to the blood, too numb to realize what's happening, to realize what i'm doing. One cut follows another and another 'till I can't stop. Blood drips down my arm, tears roll down my cheeks. What have I done? All I can do is watch my own blood spill. Spill down my body. Gentle drips on the floor, funny, I can so calmly watch my life flow out of me from my veins. I feel cold, I feel hot, I feel and I want more. My razor is invisble, only red is in vision now. Red Warm Love Splatters on the cool floor. Slashes, countless crimson slashes. The razor falls from my hand. Clinks to the floor. I fall with it, curl up and wait. I won't be forsaken this time.

I hope that that made sense...probably more to come later...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Well, back again for the third time today. Just seems as though I can't stop writing...maybe thats my fault...maybe not. Tonight has proved rather interesting as always. Was talking to Scotty for the longest of times...*sigh* glad we started talkin again. I miss that guy.

Jas stopped by. That was unexpected surprise. Last night after I had got into a huge fight with somebody I called and left a message. He showed up today, and was like, well you wanted to talk so here I am. I was like...wow...*sigh* I wish my head would just accept I have friends. It pushes them all away. I'm like two people in one...one thinks I have no friends and no one cares...and the other insists that there are people who care and I'm loved....

Regardless of either of these, I'll probably cut again tonight...feelin kinda down...need a release and its the only pain I can control...oh well, not many people would care...*sigh*

until later...
-J

Note: Just so its obvious for everyone, I will be referring to my diary/journal/life history---whatever you want to call it, as beloved. It is not a reference to anyone and I just use it for lack of something better. May contain acts of self mutilation, masochism, suicidal information and violent thoughts/words. Beware.

Beloved,
Today was...well, shitty as usual. I don't know whats wrong with me but it always seems as though no one cares. And even though someone may, it feels as if they don't. I don't know what I did, but JEEZ, I wish I wouldn't have done it.

People often wonder why I cut myself...well, the reason is because its the only pain I know I can control. Its the only thing thats stable in my life. Aside from that reason, it is also a release for me...and I like the sight of blood:)

I really don't know how many people will read this public thing, but to all of you who do, I hope that it gives you some insight into my head and that you feel as if you know me. *sigh* Sometimes, I just lay in bed at night and cry. Its as if no matter what I did...it'll never be good enough. Unloved so it seems...hated by all...*sigh* I want to die...I do...

Until later...
-J