Beloved,

Whatta day. So many things have happened today. I learn so much knowledge through the strangest means. Today I was able to relate GREATLY to my Art teacher. My art teacher is one of the strongest women I know. It seems as though no matter how bad things can get, she has a light side. She laughs so much and her laugh is one that is enjoyable and contagious. Just listening to her makes my mind remember how innocent I used to be. *Sighs.* So much pain...so much torment in her daily facade. No worries only laughter lines fill her face. Of this I have great admiration...great respect because...she can relate to me...just as I relate to her.

One struggle that I've constantly been on is my weight. I hate fat. I can't stand it. And yet,...I am fat. I HATE IT. I suffered from anorexia over the summer. Dropped fifty pounds in two weeks. Then binged and gained 70 in a month. Now I feel as if I've stepped over some huge line. My friends tell me that eating is what I'm suppose to do...and yet, I don't want to eat. All I ever do is get more round. I hate my weight...I can't stand it when I step on the scale...hoping that I've dropped...five...ten...fifteen pounds from the previous time I've stepped on the cursed meter.

Here I am...sitting...my thoughts racing...my mind full on high inflation. No falter in words...no tedious preperation. My mind works like a well-oil machine...producing word after word...after word. *Sighs.*

People have no idea what it's like. I've suffered through Bi-polar disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder...anorexia...Clinical depression. Hypomania. GOD I'M A WALKING DISORDER! Oh well I guess. Nothing I can do or say will change what I have. I must deal with it the best way I know how. Even if that means going to a razor blade and cutting. It's the best way I know how to cope with my pain. I'll try and describe how I feel when I cut...

Deeper and deeper
the cuts do grow
Faster and faster
the blood does flow.

Oh what a bitch,
that one'll need a stitch.
How will I explain all of this?
Have I fallen too far into the abyss?

The blood is still dripping,
a puddle has formed.
I need to get out
or I'll surely be stormed.

I paint my chest crimson
with a bloody red rag.
I beat myself blue
with a belt and a nag.

My knuckles are bruised
from punching the walls
but then, with a knife
in my hand, someone calls.

But that murmur is only
a voice in my head
telling me stop
or soon you'll be dead.

And then a soft whimper,
a tear down my cheek
My face is all wet
from the water I leak.

Then soft, sweet serenity
I feel in my bones
A feeling of happiness,
then start the moans.

I could end it now
but the blood would stop bleeding
And then who would take over
when my joyfulness needs feeding?

So for now I just sit
and relish this feeling
with a smile on my face
and my eyes on the ceiling.

Tomorrow I might
finish the deed
but for the time being,
I sit here and bleed.

*Sighs.* There...that is it. That's how I feel. Now you know what goes on in my head when I cut. I don't know if you wanted to harbor this information or not...but you know. And I know most of you probably could care less. I'm fine with that. I'm safe now. Closed off in my little box...far away from the world...locked away in the house where I belong. My prison...my mansion. Safe from the world and it's stringent rules...away from the harmful pollutants one calls "people" I am safe...safe from all of that.

Until later...

-Joey

*Yay!!* *Does happy dance!* Nobody really cares anymore! It's WONDERFUL! Kevin, a small note to you...I never stopped caring. In fact...I still care, it's just you were never very open with your problems. If you need someone, I got your back, Kev. And I mean that. But you can refuse my help...just as everyone else has. Either way, I still care and I do still love you. *Sighs.* That is all.

-Joey

Beloved,

Why is it only here that I can be the real me? *Sighs.* I don't even know who the real me is anymore. I thought I knew...but I was wrong. I know nothing. I feel nothing...I have nothing to look forward to...*Sighs again.*

I don't care. My best friend at my school is moving in two weeks. Two weeks...Jeez. I thought things couldn't get any worse...I was wrong. What am I gonna do without you, Jas? *Sighs.* Jas, man, I need ya, bro. You promised you'd never abandon me...you promised. *Curls up and begins to cry.*

The Cut
The tighten fist
the anger at one
the need to yell
sight of a razor
picking it up
looking at myself
everything built up
the need to release
razor moving down my arm
blood pouring out
felt of releasement
still so mad
picking up the razor
moving it up and down my arm
this time not stopping
blood rushing out
still cutting
cant stop
for now my arms are bloody
now I can stop
felt of releasement
everything has gone away

Looks like my only friend will be my razor. I can handle that I guess. No biggie...I'm used to being alone. I just never could comprehend just how lonely I could be. Jas, no matter what, man, I'm gonna be here for you. That's a promise you can count on. Never forget...that I need you, because I always will. I'm sorry at some of the things I've said ... and done...things you didn't deserve or understand. I'm sorry if I was ever insensitive towards you. I'm sorry...most of all...that I couldn't be the kind of friend you deserved. *Sighs.* I'll miss you.

Until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

Well, M and I had a lovely fight. It was beautiful. She was on a hangover so I'm not sure if I should take what she said to heart. *Sighs.* I just got done cutting. 6 crimson slashes now line my arm. Funny how pain no longer seems to bother me. *Sits down.*

Today was...well...about as bad as a day can be, I think. Why am I to blame for the world's problems? Is it my fault I'm sensitive and caring? M decided that I possess neither of these traits...I'm a "Fucking arrogant son of a bitch." Wonderful. Oh well, I can't seem to find it in my heart to CARE. Nothing matters anymore. I have no reason to continue on. I'm sure it'll just be a few days before all is over. I'm not worried...I'm not scared.

I'm feeling strangely poetical tonight. More so than usual. I don't know what it was to cause this sudden boost of writing ability, but I must say, that I enjoy it. I love to be able to put my thoughts on paper. So I'll tell you a story.

Once, there was this guy who liked this girl. He wanted her more than life itself. He loved her tons and wanted to spend every last day with her. The girl liked him back, but was never ready to commit. Whether it was because she only liked "bad" boys, or because her heart couldn't handle it, she never committed. Suddenly, a guy from the girl's past shows up. He wants her back and she has no problem with this. The first guy is crushed...broken...destroyed. His love has just been taken by someone who will only destroy it. Now, no matter what happens, the guy will always love the girl. It's how things are suppose to be. And even if she doesn't love him back, he'll always love her.

I still see your face in my dreams
It hurts and it doesn't help at all
I still want you in my life as crazy as that seems
I want you to catch me when I fall

I still remember the first time we met
There was something so different about you
Your friendship was something I wanted to get
That smile when you said hi to me was so new

Out of no where you called me on the phone
I wanted to sit there and talk to you forever
You were so new, so crazy and unknown
I just knew that our friendship would never sever

One year later and we are barely holding it together
What happened to the way this all used to be
I never wanted you out of my life ever
I sat there for a long time pretending not to see

We decided to go out and make it all all right
It didn't work out of course we knew it couldn't
We couldn't even really stand each others sight
It shouldn't end this way but it did and I shouldn't

I miss you and everything you were to me
Ten years from now we will look back on it all
We will be older and finally be able to see
That love will stand the test of time and never fall

*Sighs.* It's painful to have a heart that is only opened to one person...be fully shattered by that person. It hurts. Her actions ripped me leaving many wounds. Her words stung like poison upon those wounds. Now no matter what happens, gashes in my heart will never heal. Oh well. *Slices into arm.* This is what my heart is like...slashed open and bleeding. *Looks at bloodied arm.* I...feel...nothing.

-J

Beloved,

Wow. Today has been a horrific day. This is nothing unusual...but I just thought I would state the obvious. Again, I find myself at a place where I don't want to care for people. All my cares are usually disregarded...thrown out...And I'm sick of not mattering.

*Sighs.* *Sits in chair of cowdardice.* *Looks through today's photo album.* So many memories...so useless they seem. Through all of my days, an utter darkness has clouded over.

I'm sick of being told I'm fat. Sick of being ugly. Sick of being hated...despised...and abused. I'm sick of the lies, sick of everything that causes me to spiral out of control on this fucking rollercoaster. It's not fair anymore. Life isn't suppose to be about pain...it's suppose to be joyful. Why can't I find joy???

Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted

*Sighs.* *Begins to tremble.* Wh---...why? *Sobs.* Why am I tortured so? Must I be constantly nagged and hurt? Am I to live a life of loneliness...pain...and self mutilation? Is that my goal? My purpose...? *Falls to knees.* I give up...no more pain...nothing...I feel...nothing.

-Joey

Burning pain in my arms,
Stops the burning tears.
Slicing the skin calms my doubts,
And helps erase my fears.
The anger is so strong at times,
And my pain becomes too much.
And I long to feel the calmness,
Of the knife's forgiving, tender touch.
As I watch my blood pour,
My sanity soars.
And I long to feel the pain once more.
To those who may not do this,
I probably sound insane.
But this is the only way I know how...
To ease the blinding pain.

~-~-~-~_____________________________~-~-~-~

Let the blood flow
Over the land and over the body
A sort of calming peace over the overly sensitive emotions
Bleeding is breathing
The only hope for us in our otherwise futile world
A saviour from the storm
Just like your beloved christ
Didn't he bleed too?
Making it better... Ever so much better
Bleeding is believing
Faith is blind and so are people
Pretending at all times
Living a tangled web of lies, deceits, and betrayals
What a facade we live!
Yet the blood is real
The pain is real
Reality is what you can FEEL
Can you feel faith?
I didn't think so

Beloved,

Once again, it has been too long since I have graced your pages with my emotional rollercoaster. I go up...and then I plummet down. Will this spiral ride ever end? Or will I continually be throw random thoughts...words...deeds...actions...and emotions? Can I survive myself? Or will I be forced to disappear as so many have before me? *Sighs.* Life...is...hell. That is all. Life...can be the best thing. But it can also be the worst thing.

My feelings for people no longer exist. I care about no one. I have retreated back to my house...back in my head where nobody can stab me in the back. I've found a secret get away and that's where I'm staying. No more pain...lies...hurtful words...nothing. I refuse to be the world's ragdoll. I HATE IT. I HATE my "Friends" THE ONES THAT DON'T EXIST!!

Let's just say that I'm very ... angry. I'm sick of the lies. Sick of M. Jeez, why does she have to be so CRUEL? Why is my heart feeling for her...without the same emotion coming back? Nope, no more. I refuse to do it anymore. M, it's over. I'm sorry it ended like this, but my heart is not a thing I loan out. It's not something that can be mended. It's broken...and most of that is your fault.

I'm sick of the world. Sick of the taunts and jeering. I WILL NOT BE YOUR FUCKING RAGDOLL!! Wanna use me? Wanna treat me like trash and then expect something back? Well FORGET it. *Slashes forearm.* *Again.* I...will not...tolerate it. You want to live with what you've done to me? Then by all means, YOU SHALL!

No longer will I feel. No longer can I care about your insecurities. I can't even handle my own! WHY SHOULD I DEAL WITH YOURS!!?!?! Nope...tonight...marks the end of the old me. On to the new me. I'm different...and I'm immune to your pain. Your hurtful words. Your harsh actions. NO MORE...

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Hmm...that song tells exactly what I'm feeling for a person right now. We'll call her M. Anyways, a while back, me and M went with one of her friends, we'll call the friend E, anyways, we went and saw a movie in Dodge. We hung out and had a grand old time. I've always wanted to ask M out but I've never had the guts to do so. So, when I lie and tell her I don't want a relationship, she decides that we should see other people. Fine then. My questions for M is why didn't she ask me out? Hmm? It's the 21st century...girls CAN ask guys out. But it's okay, I've discovered what I am. I'm a loner and that's how I'm meant to be. *Sighs.*

love me because im a dreamer and im dreaming of you.

love me because one day...i'll wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms every day...

love me because im waiting patiently for the one day you'll forgive me.

love me because im trying to hold myself together for you.

love me because i love you.

you're an angel.
i know i'll never be able to have you...
i know hoping for you will only lead to unhappiness.
but i do it anyway.

I'm feeling strangely poetical tonight. I'm not sure if I'm happy...or if I'm sad...or angry or glad. I don't know where I sit emotionally. But I do know that I'm on a high. Highs can be any mood, just an increase in the mood. Like, if I'm angry, and I'm on a high, I'm three times angrier than I am if I'm not on a high. I don't know why I just told you all that...maybe to make M understand where I'm coming from.

In the past three days, I've added ten slashes to my arm. I'm not sure there was a reason to do it. I just did it because I missed the look of cuts on my arm. Without them, I feel naked. I feel as if I'm not here when they aren't there. Nobody understands this but me, but I guess I'm all that matters.

*Sits in lonely chair.* I'm used to being here. I'm used to being cold and mean. And I'm used to showing absolutely no emotion towards people...but why does it hurt to do this? Why does M cause my heart to move so much? God how I want her...and yet I know...I can't have her. It's something that causes my heart to hurt every day. I feel such a huge longing just to hold her...run my hands through her hair...kiss her. *Sighs.*

*Grabs razor.* This is what I'm reduced to. I don't care anymore. I DON'T CARE. I'm sick of wanting something and then never being able to have it. I'm sick of longing for another being so much and then having to exist without them. I'm sick of hurting...and yet, all I ever do is hurt. *Sighs.*

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Again, I will grace your pages with the story of my life. A life of torture among those who don't understand. A life of pain...among those who can't cope with themselves...let alone me. How is it possible to feel so utterly useless...and yet, be a huge blessing? Is it possible to feel needed...used...abused...hated and destroyed all at the same time? I think it is...because that is how I feel.

Today was another day of torture. I woke up...only to go back to bed. I sleep my life away. And that is a good thing. The less I'm awake...the less I have to put up with people and their petty problems. I have my own problems to worry about. I don't need them...I need me.

I'm glad I finally have decided to embrace who I am. I no longer care about getting "better." This is who I am...and I accept and embrace it. I no longer want to be changed...but I want to remain the same. At least I understand this person. The person as I am now...I know his needs...his wants...his hidden secrets. I will stick with knowing myself over knowing someone else.

Hate
as I cry
it's all I ever feel

Destruction
as I lie
deep within my soul

Anger
as I see
myself in a mirror

Envy
as I look
upon the smiling faces

Scars
how I coped
with the past I had

Crimson slashes
how I cope now
with my current pains

Lost
I am
to myself

Confusion
in your eyes...you don't understand...
neither do I

Until later...

-J

Beloved,

Here I sit in my chair of pain again. No matter how many people tell me it's wrong, I find myself comforted by a blade. A simple slice to the arm offers me such a release...such a happiness...that no one else can offer. I feel alive...and needed...when I cut.

It's funny how no one can accept me...for who I am. I can. I accept and embrace myself. For if I truly love myself for all my darkness...surely I will be better off. Surely I can make it if I embrace myself.

*Sighs.* I know what it's like to hate....to cry...to feel like dying all the time. *Tear forms about my eye.* I know what it's like to cry...cry numb tears...and feel absolutely nothing as the sharp edge of my dearest friends presses against my skin. I know what it's like to see only crimson slashes against my dark complexion. And I can accept that.

I've joined several diary rings that belong to my inner pain. That call to my mind...my heart...and my emotions. They are at the bottom of this page. There are so many people like me...and I am glad that I can accept me for me.

Pain...is where I sit.

I am depressed all the time
I am suicidal some days - most days
I am a worthless person
a complete failure
I am a screw up
an embarrasment
a hurtful person
I am a selfish person
a total disappointmemnt to everyone I know
This is how I feel, this is what i think, this is what i believe to be true

until later...

-J

Beloved,

I've found myself come to life when reading thought provoking ideas of others. I find my self stimulated in a way that cannot be achieved by any other. I thrive on the stories of other's pain...and destruction. I thrive on it.

Today has been a thoughtful day. Many thoughts that I can't control...and ultimately, don't want to. I don't care about control anymore. Control has boundries. The voices inside my head have no boundries. I am lost to myself...deep within my mind, lost...abandoned...alive. I live...only to die. I live...only to know, that my death will one day grace the newspapers. That my death will one day make someone very happy.

My parasite is deep in it's meal today. It is mixing my thoughts...thoughts of anger...hate...jealousy...morbidity. Mixing them all together creating a dark swirling cloud in my mind. It's sucking my good thoughts out and replacing them with its destruction.

welcome to my mind
prepare yourself
you’re about to become
the audience to my
thoughts and emotions

welcome to my mind
where my reality
is merely a dream
and my imagination
becomes my reality

welcome to my mind
can you ignore
the voices
i try to
it doesn’t usually work

welcome to my mind
it looks empty
not much anywhere
well it’s the things you cant see
that are most important

welcome to my mind
it’s not pretty
it’s not happy
it’s not stable
it’s just who i am

I’ll tell you a story. About a guy. Who felt feelings he didn’t understand. No body would bother to help him understand either. So they just grew.

He had to find words for them - but he wasn’t sure how. They were painful. They were confusing. He tried to explain to people. No body seemed to understand - even those who were supposed to. So he suffered by himself.

Until one day, someone appeared, a friend. And the guy didn’t even need to talk. Somehow his friend just knew. And they knew what caused it. And they knew how to take it away. The guy trusted the other person. His friend was always there - through everything. The guy thought everything was going to be alright from then on.

Until other people around him got angry. And the guy tried to explain that he was only doing what his other friend was telling him to do. But everyone said that this other person wasn’t real. It was a voice in his head. But it was so real - everyone else must be lying - he thought. After all, what had everyone else done for him? This voice - if it as a voice - took away his pain. It understood. So he kept on listening to them.

But then - one day - he started feeling the feelings again. Only this time they were darker, more painful, and more confusing than ever. He didnt understand. He was still listening to his ‘voice’. What had he done wrong? He was confused (but that was nothing unusual).

And then he realised that there were other people / voices. Fighting. And, when they weren't fighting, they were talking to him So loudly, he didn't think anymore. He didn't have any room in his head to think - only feel. He couldn't control what was going on in his head. The fighting gave him headaches. He couldnt sleep. He couldnt eat.

And when they were talking they were telling him silly stories. Telling him to do things. There were four of them. Between them all, they never stopped fighting or talking to him. He had to get them out of his head.

And one day, he did. only now they were in his head and he could see them too. Like ghosts ... that no one else could see. He watched them fight and laugh at him when he cried and made him cry when he laughed. But no one cared - and people who did ... didn't really.

It's hard to suffer alone. It's hard to suffer in silence. It's hard to suffer at all. Sometimes it's easier just to give
in and give up...
my love for you...
and i keep returning to you
my love for you will never die
my little razor...
you give me what i want...
what i need...
what i deserve...

until later...


-Joey

Beloved,

Here--here, I sit. Wondering...and thinking...and pondering what it is to be me. What is it with things that get in my way? Why have so many melancholy events destroyed my inner beauty? Is there really anything left inside?

I think there must be. That is why I'm still around. Still sticking to life, doing the best I know how. Many times it's not good enough, yet I find myself not seeking help, only destruction. Is this my own problem? Or is it caused by something greater? While I do not have all the answers, I do know that all of this is not my fault.

*Sits in chair.* This is where I belong. *Grabs a photo album.* This one is dated today. As my mind recalls this was my daily events. *Opens to page one.* *Looks at the pictures.* My life...there is no fulfillment. Only an emptiness...that I can not fill. A void that has no end. I do not seek your pity...just your understanding.

*Picks up razor.* I haven't cut in two weeks. *Throws razor across room...sticks in wall.* No need for that. For once in the past three days, I'm having an up. I'm not sure what triggered it...but something obviously. Bi-polar, what a beautifly haunting disorder. It has its ups and downs. And it causes me to have them as well.

*Goes into dining area of deception.* As I already told you about my dining area...it's where my daily facade is kept. My mask that hides the true me from the world. I must never let the real me come out. All it ever does is cause me pain. I lay in bed at night and cry because of the events of the day. Most nights...there is so much pain...I'm so damaged by myself. So destroyed in my utterly slothfulness. I hate being here, and yet, I can't move past this point.

Why do I get stuck here? Is it my fault? Is it TRULY my fault? *Sighs.* OH well, no complaining. Nothing left to complain about. I've become numb to the world. And that is how I like it.

So many people care, yet they're are outside my door...somewhere in another part of the world. They may not enter my house...my refuge for this life of pain. My place of peace...and isolation...but peace, nonetheless. Here I sit in my chair and wait for my life to end. How I can't wait to graduate...to be out of this hell hole called "Ashland." I can't wait to be gone. To leave the remorse and morbidity of the town that has caused my haunted nightmares from the get-go.

So many things to say...and yet, no way to put what I truly feel into words. No way to perfectly describe this parasite that is now draining the life from me. That's what my disorder is...a parasitic larvae feeding on my inner thoughts...fears...pains...and joys. Slowly dissolving all the things that matter and then proceding to suck them through my pores. *Sighs.* *Sits in the chair.*

Nothing left to fight for...
Waiting for the end...
All of this could be solved..
If my past I could mend...

Until later...

-J

You said you'd always be there
that you'd always care
no where to be found
alone I sit in this chair

Feeling pain only I can feel
I don't care about you
I can't care anymore
and there's nothing you can do

So please just leave me alone
In this pit I must be
Leave me alone...get away
in it for eternity

Looking for God
I only hear air
Where are you now, Father?
Do you even care?

I'm in pain, more than before
Lost hurt and alone
I'm sick of life it sucks
I grovel and moan

Make the pain leave
Get it out of my life
I turn to my only friend
He lies upon a knife

That is where I'm at tonight. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ANYMORE!! NO ONE. I can't care, it's not possible. All I ever get is hurt. That's all that ever happens when I care. So no more, I'm sick of being vulnerable. Sick of caring. I REFUSE to do it anymore. REFUSE...

*Sighs.* No body cares...*Screams* NOBODY CARES! Not my friends...my family...ANYONE...and NEITHER DO I!! You turn on me when I needed you most!!! YOU USER! You're like a FESTERING WOUND! AND I WAS YOUR CRUTCH!! But you feel...and you blame ME! IT WASN'T MY FAULT! LEARN TO WALK ON YOUR OWN!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

*Sighs and sits in chair of cowardice.* *Begins to sob.* *Grabs razor.* This is what I'm reduced to. This sharp...shiny...metal object...this is my last resort...LAST RESORT...

*Stands up...holds blade heavenward.* WAS THIS YOUR PLAN!! ?? Did you intend for THIS to happen?!?! *Slices arm.* IS THAT IT?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!?! *Slices again...and again...and again.* I can't see metal anymore...only CRIMSON SLASHES!! HOW'S THIS FOR YOUR PLANS?! *Falls to floor and sobs.*

-Joey

Beloved,

Here I sit again. Once again in my agony. Why do I put myself here? Is it where I belong? Damn it. GOD GET ME OUT...*Sighs.* I guess not. God has left me...just like everyone else. Nick's like, "Oh, I'll never leave or give up on you." And then he LEAVES.LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL. What is that about? *Sighs.* Oh well. I DON'T HAVE THE CAPACITY TO CARE ANYMORE!!! BE GONE! SEE IF I CARE!!! *Sighs.* *Puts head down.*

*Thinks.* Why me...why me why me why me??? DAMN IT. IT makes me so angry I could SCREAM. Why is it when God wants me He TAKES everything away from me? The girl I love...ta ta bye bye no more. The people I care about? TA ta bye bye no more. The things I enjoy? TA TA BYE BYE NO MORE! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT GOD!!??!!? YES I'M PISSED!! I think I have a RIGHT to be. You took my TREE...you could fix my life in just a SECOND if you WANTED TOO...but NO, you hold a magnifying glass over me and BURN OFF MY FEELERS!! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT!!??!

*Sighs.* I really don't know how I got here AGAIN. I thought I was out of this pit. I thought that it was let go time. But I guess not. It's angry time. The meds the doc gave me haven't helped in the SLIGHTEST..I'm still just as PSYCHO as I WAS!!! THIS IS IT I'M SICK OF IT!! You want me gone? I will leave you. *Stands up from lonely chair.* *Walks to back room...opens a door.* This is my BOB closet...my RAZOR closet...and I need it. *Grabs a razor.* NOBODY CARES ANYMORE!! NOBODY!!! *Slices forearm...slices again..and again and again...* *Blood slowly drips.* *Razor falls and tinks on the floor.* Why do you drive me to this? Why am I tortured day and night because of YOU!!!!!?!?!?!?! *Sighs.* *Blood drips from arm.* I see my life...slowly running out of my veins...and all I feel...is nothing. No matter how many cuts...nothing. *Falls to the floor.*

*Begins to sob.* I'm so tired of being here...why do you put me here, beloved? Why am I tortured like this? Was this in your plans?? *Holds arms heavenward.* Was THIS planned?!?! DID YOU PLAN THIS?!?! *Sighs.* *Lip quivers.* If only...if only I could feel again God...if only...I could come back...but I can't...I'm past the point of no return. *Bawls.* *Falls to floor on knees.* *Puts face on ground.* *Sobs.* It'll be over soon...My house...my..ho-...hous...*Lays down on floor and curls up into a fetal position.* This is...what it's like...to cry empty tears...and feel...nothing...

-J

Beloved,


Long has it been since I've graced your pages with the story of my unending saga of pain. Longer still, has it been since I've filled your pages with joy. As much as I strive to be happy, it never actually happens. *Sighs.* Life...life isn't a thing that is pleasing. Sometimes, things just go so bad that there is no end in sight. And then, there are times when life can be the best thing in the world. These moments and occurences are few, and yet will be things that I'll remember for always.


Now more than ever, I want to retreat to my house of pain. Her voice is welcoming me home. She calls to my heart...my soul. I feel a cold shiver run up and down my spine. *Looks towards the house.* *Drawbridge slowly lowers.* It is time to retreat to my home. Time at last, to welcome myself back into the place that is a love/hate thing. *Slowly crosses drawbridge.* *Door swings open.* *Walks up on the porch.* Here I stand, on the porch of strong oak wood. Her porch is one of strength, yet wear as she has been through much. She has always been here for me. *Looks out to the world.* Good-bye happy world. Back to my recluse living. *Walks into the door.*


I think it will be more of a benefit to describe her to you. She is an old two story house. Upon entering her foyer, one can see the intricate designs of a wood mantle piece. This fire place is one in which hold the essence of me. Sometimes blazing, but more often, barely lit, it is the fire that was started at my birth. As I enter to do, the embers are barely burning. Not much left to go on. *Walks over to the fire place.* I'd add some wood, but I think there is nothing left to add.


*Walks towards the back of the house.* The next room one enters is my dining room. Here is where my daily facade is put on. Here, bright, new, shiny china is placed out. The best silver is put on the table. On the wall directly behind the table is a drama mask that emphasizes happiness and sadness. It is here that my "Mask" stays. My "mask" of happiness that covers over the real me. *Touches a chair.* Cherry wood is what this chair is made of. A tree that shows strength, and yet, is made ugly by its knots. *Walks on.*


This is the main living room. It is here where I go when things are wrong. *Points to a chair.* There is my chair where I sit when I'm lonely, sad, and depressed. When nothing is going right. *Sits down.* Here is where I feel safe. *Looks around.* Here there are many pictures. Pictures that depict many aspects of my life. Good times, bad, too. It is here where there is a cold draft. *Looks across the room.* There are no windows here. No artificial light, no artifical me. The real me dwells here. My inner pain breathes here.


*Thinks to self.* Why do things go awry? Why am I *Lip quivers* always hurt no matter what? Is it fair for me to be in pain such as this? *Begins to cry.* Here is where I am safe. No one can hurt me here...no one...*Sobs.* It's better for me here. I can't hurt anyone either. The world and its petty problems are safe from me here. *Sits and cries into hands.* No more...*Yells.* NO MORE PAIN!!! *Feels a stab through the back.* NO MORE...No...more...I can't...take anymore. *Sighs.* *Sits very still.*


If the world is out to hurt me, I'LL DO IT FOR THEM!! *Picks up the razor.* See this? This is the answer to ALL my problems. My house has offered me this as a remover of pain. *Slashes forearm.* Do you even care? *Slashes other arm.* Do you even CARE?!?!? *Holds razor close to throat.* Do you want me to leave? Is that what you want? I'll MAKE you live with the pain you've caused me. YOU'LL LIVE WITH MY DEATH...*Slashes arm again.* *Blood begins to drip.* *Razor clinks to the floor.* *Falls to the floor.* *Stares at the ceiling.* So this is what it's like...to feel...nothing.


-J

Note: Riki [Rr], I used some entries from your diary cuz they really worked nice here. I hope you don't mind. Love ya! Also, anyone they may have applied to in Riki's Diary, they do not apply to the same people here. It's my own interpretation of her writing...thanks for letting me use them!

Beloved,

I haven't written to you in the longest time. I'm not even sure why myself. All I know is that I missed you and am more than happy to once again fill your pages with the story of my existence.

*runs in circles* I NEED AIR DAMNIT I NEED AIR! *collaps on the ground* I STILL *gasps* NEED *growls* AIR! *rolls over* oh watta preee sky i see...*laughs* will you please *streatches hands to the sky* GIVE ME AIR?! *pretends to strangle something* PLEASE? I HATE THIS FEELING...I hate it...it hurts...not being able to inhale completely...I need...AIR! *rolls back over onto stomache* AIR AIR AIR...*tries to push self up, stumbles and falls...then tries again.* Please? *weeps* I want to breath again...I want to taste the sweet air once again. *stumbles in circles* God...I need air...PLEASE?! *collaps once again, but now lies motionless*

Things are so hard sometimes. I have so many things I could be happy about...yet, I seem to lack the ability to hold...grasp...touch...any of them. It seems as though no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough for anyone. No matter how much I hurt myself...it'll never satisfy anyone. No matter how much of myself I put on the line...I...will never...ever...succeed in pleasing anyone else. This is a struggle I can not win.

Yes...I'm going back to the way I once was. Cold, mean, and alone. I was safe, you all are safer that way. Fuck you all for using me and blaming me for your mistakes. I was a crutch, but you needed to heal, I gave you time, and then I tried to let you stand on your own. Instead you fell, yelled at me for letting you go! Learn to walk on your own! I had to! I don't lean on anyone! I've learned from being dropped! *cuts deep into skin* I feel no pain! I am numb! Leave me alone! I can't take your shit anymore! *laughs and slashes forearms again* See what you've done? I've gone insane, and guess what IT'S YOUR FAULT! Yes...I shall blame you, just as you blamed me. *smiles timidly* I once was here, but now I'm gone. I once loved you, you friggin moron! *pulls blade next to face* Shall I leave you forever? I'll never cause you any pain that way. Seeing that my existance is all my fault in hurting you! Ok fine *slices shoulder* I'll dissapear from your life! You suffer knowing you killed someone...I forgave you all, but you couldn't forgive me...You users! You abused me, and I let you, you tore me down and I still came back, you lied to me and still I trusted you. You ignored me, and still I was there for you. So I don't do anything for you? You ask for forgiveness, and I give it to you because I care, but when I ask for it in return...I don't get it, because it's my fault...For hurting you. Fine...I don't need your forgiveness. I give you mine. I don't care any more. Who should? Fuck you all! Leave me alone. You guys arn't worth my time anymore! Obviously I'm not worth yours.

I should...no, no...must return to my house that has offered me safety and sanctuary in the past. I must once again occupy the only place I truly hate...yet, truly love at the same time. It's porch is made of a wood that is of old. It gives off a scent of such tragedies, no one may stand upon it without a simple tear forming about the eye. Its wood is strong, its structure that of stability...something that will always last. Upon opening the door of dismality, one can feel the pain...and utter emptiness of her barren halls and rooms. It is possible to just feel her breathing for life...yet, never being able to obtain it. She sits...and waits for me to return to her. She has offered me so many protections that I could not possibly count them all. Her floor is covered in a dark, red carpet that resembles moving blood if a breeze happens to carress its surface. She is beautifully haunting...perfectly suitable for protection. I'm safer here...and they are safe, too. They won't have to suffer my insecurities...my...lack of understanding. *Marvels at her beauty.* Only I know where this house exists. And only I can enter her frigid...cold...yet, welcoming foyer.

*Begins to cry.* Why am I the one who always is the cause for destruction? Why is it me...who brings about my own torture and torment? Is it nobody else's cause but my own? Must I sit here and pain myself with burdens that I alone can not handle? *Sniffles.* *Sighs.*

*Whispers to self.* It'll all be over soon. *Looks down.* I'll be in my own world again...No one can get hurt that way...just me, and that's all that matters.*Cries quietly.* I liked it there. Numb. *Smiles slightly.* It was my shelter from the world, from life and people. *Curls into a ball.* I liked being invisible. I was safe, and so were they. *wall begins to build up* no more suffering, or tears. *Higher the wall goes.* No more fights or screaming. *Wall closes off around me.* Just pure silence.

Until Later,
-Joey

*Sigh* Jeez, I fucking give up. Life is so utterly pointless...AHHHHHH. It makes me so angry...certain things that I wish not to write here...for fear that someone will read them. I'm just...*sigh* sick of things. I don't know why...well, I do, but I'm not going there...It is time...Death is only the beginning. *sighs* *sniffles* It has come down to this...if not death, then cutting...
-J

Music: Linkin Park - Numb

Beloved,
I had forgotten just how much I liked that song. Describes perfectly how I feel at this point in time. *Sigh*
Also the vocals and the music in this song is just astounding.

Music: Evanescence - Turniquet (ssp??)
Hmm...I think that is spelled wrong...in fact I know it is. Although the whole Christ reference in this song is beyond annoying, some of the feelings in this song describe where I'm perfect at. "I tried to kill my pain...but only brought more (so much more)...I lay dying, and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying...praying...bleeding...and screaming...am I too lost, to be saved? Am I too lost?" Sorry, just thought I'd write some day describing EXACTLY what I'm feeling right now.

Last night I sorta blew up on Kev and well, haha, I didn't mean to. Its just some of the stuff he says makes me so mad and GAH, I just wish he would stop and realize how much I care. I wish he KNEW, instead of just assuming that I don't like him...or assuming I shouldn't talk to him and it would help. WHATEVER. Its not gonna help.

I went to bed so angry last night. Angry at me for fucking things up as I always do. Fuck, I just wish I could learn to keep my damn mouth quiet. *sigh* It's crazy. I'm so sick of always being in the middle of things...so sick of being in buried in this hole. But I guess it doesn't matter. I'm sorry that it came down to this point, but I have no where else to go...

Music: Evanescence - Exodus
Again another wonderful song sung by the beautiful Amy Lee. She has so much talent...and it amazes me how much I can relate to the haunting melodies of her music. Its beautiful.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. I don't know. I couldn't sleep very well, there was a huge storm that was mocking my inner emotions. Perfectly suitable for what I was feeling. My mind raced on the entire night. Thinking if I could only go back in time and fix EVERYTHING I screwed up. Its such shit how I always mess everything up. Jeez, I'm so tired of getting up only to feel guilty and scared that I can't mend what I've done. I mean honestly, how do I know if I can fix something that I've fucked up? For all I know, Kev could just go off and hate me and never talk to me again...and that scares me. It would by far be the last straw in which I open myself up.

Kev, if you're reading this, I'm really sorry. I don't know why I blew up on you and I don't understand what exactly it was that made me so mad. I'm sorry I left...I'm so sorry. I couldn't sleep last night cuz I was thinking of you. *sigh* You do everything you've wanted to. You take me away...you make me happy...you make the pain where I can handle it. Kev, you are such a huge part of my life right now...and I need you. I love you so much.

"27 on top.. 7 on bottom.. 12 on side..."
Still trying to figure that one out...what does it mean? Anyways, I'm gonna wrap this up. Enough of my selfish worries and retarded ways. Kev, I do love you...more than life itself. :)

until later...
J