Beloved,

Here I sit. Here I sit...and wait. For what? I'm not entirely sure yet...but waiting is what I do a lot of. It's as if no matter how good I have something, I want better. I'm always looking for something new. And I hate that about myself. If I just would realize that some people do care...and that want to help...and that can be there for me...then life would be much better I think...

I sit and look out on the world from my porch. The porch in which I sit when I'm in deep thought, or in some kind of trouble. The porch where I sit when I'm in the middle of something good and something bad. Something right...and something wrong...

Sometimes, I'm so stupid. I mean honestly. My best friend ups and leaves me here all by myself. People that I care most about are like..."Fuck you." People that I hold dear hate me now. God, everything is so messed up. Why did I let it get like this? HMM? Do I not have a brain? Am I incapable of thinking? *Sighs.*

Anyways, it's beginning to get dark, so I think I'm going to go back to my house of hell. Back to her...the one that holds and keeps me safe. The one that is there no matter what happens. The place where I feel safe and secure.

I want to open up but the one I want to open up to is no longer available. *Sighs.* WHY DID I LET THAT PERSON SLIP BY???!! God I'm stupid...

I miss him...I love him. I want him back. He said he'd always be there if I wanted him back...but he's not. And it hurts. Why did I miss up? Why didn't I see what I had and be thankful? Why am I hurting now? *Sighs.* *Begins to sob.* If only I could...have another chance. But that's too much to ask. He's gone...and it's over...

Until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

Wow. God it's been forever since I've written to you. So long in fact, I don't remember my last entry. I guess that's my problem. I've been so caught up with trying to get...caught up...redundant, anyways, yeah. Haha. God I'm confusing. Anyways, it's been so long cuz I've been focused on school rather than my writing talents and abilities, and when something isn't used, it gets weak. So my writing "muscle" might need some weight training.

I regret not writing you. I feel it important to fill your pages with my life. You happen to be one thing in life that I hold in high regard. Very high regard at that.

Times have been tought. Amanda and I broke up for reasons that I'd like to discuss. I felt our relationship was falling through the bottom. On top of that, I was keeping her from someone else, she needed to move on. I think we're both better because of it. I feel better. I cut because of it. Four crimson slashes because of it.

I also have etched in my arm four of the worst incisions that I've ever made. They were made out of anger when I blew up at my step-dad. He said something that truly ignited my "self injure" side and I went psycho on my arm. Four DEEP crimson lines are the result of my anger. They're going to leave some nice scars, but I don't care.

I'm happy in my house of hell. It's where I belong, and I'm happy to be here. I finally have gotten my new book together. I burned the old one that I started new with Amanda. That was another waste of precious memory pages. Too much in fact. Why was I so stupid? I should have never asked her out. But they say "Don't be sad it's over...be happy it happened." So I guess this is the outlook I'll take on it. We are still friends, and I'm happy at being just that. I never felt I could live up to her expectations.

My fire hearth has been set ablaze again. The ambers and coals bright red with fire that once had died out. The fire is ablaze for several reasons. One, I'm finding myself, and therefore adding wood to it. It's this wood that keeps the roaring fire up. Secondly, it's up because I think I'm finally where I'm suppose to be. I'm happy with where I am.

*Sighs.* What a day. Today hasn't been the best of days. Both of the tests I was suppose to take got put off, so I'm happy about that. I didn't have to take a test that I hadn't studied for. Which is what I would have done, and personally, I don't care anymore. My grades no longer have the same affect on me that they once had. They're just letters. No importance.

I really don't have much to complain about. This week has gone by rather quickly. I'm okay with it. I'm okay with me.

On another note, I'm feeling kinda down. I really really really miss Kevin. Suddenly, it dawned on me. How good I had it,...how good he was to me. I've never had anyone treat me that well, and I've never had anyone that made me feel like he makes me feel. I just want to hold him in my arms. I just want to wake up to his face in the morning. I want to hold his hand...I want to kiss him...*Sighs.* I...am breaking down because of this, but I'll try and cope. I think he's over me. And it's the best for him. If not, Kevin, I still love you. Now more than ever. I need you...

Until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

I had so much fun today! The original plan was for me, my sister, and Amanda to go see M in her pageant, but that didn't work out. Turns out the alternator in our truck died. So I was stuck in town. Instead of sittin' around and being bored, I hung out with Amanda most of the day. I had such an awesome time. I didn't know Ashland could be that much fun. But I'm glad that it was. I love her with all of my heart. It's crazy how much I like her for barely knowing her. She's such a great person, such a sweetheart, and I am truly blessed to have her in my life. *Grins.* *Sighs contentedly.*

Time to start a new memory book. *Opens a blank picture album.* *Puts pictures of Amanda, kittens, a dried rose, and dried lilac flowers.* Now, my new album is going to be new and improved. It has pictures of Amanda and kittens because they are both something I saw today. The rose symbolizes the way I feel towards her, and it also symbolizes her beauty. She really is exquisite. The lilac symbolizes her scent. She smell like a bright sunny day that a light rain has just finished falling and a gentle breeze of wind is blowing the sweet scent of lilac by. *Laughs sweetly.* I love her so much. I really am in love. *Hugs pillow.* I'll be thinking of you always. I love you!!!

until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

One thing M will never understand is that she is perfect. She has all the qualities that anyone could ever want in a person. She has humor. She's gorgeous and sexy. She has a personality that can literally fill a room. She's funny. She's kind. She's patient and understanding. She can be serious when the measure calls for it. She's perfect...and too perfect for me. No matter who I date, or who I marry, I will always think that she is perfect. Because she is. Perfection is hard to find, but it is possible. M, Josh doesn't deserve you. He's not good enough for you. And he'll never see your perfection. I wish you the best and I hope that everything in your life works out.

Now that I'm done talking about M, I think I'll move on to another girl that I really like, and think I could possibly be in love with. Amanda. What a beautiful name. Is there a name more perfect? She has a bubbly personality. One that charms and mesmerizes anyone. Her beautiful red hair complimented by her blue eyes is astounding. She is exquisite. Wonderfully exquisite. There is no other way to describe her.

I've found God again. I hear His calling in my life. I see His purpose for my life. That is to be a minister...an evangelist. This is His calling on my life. And I will do everything in my power to accomplish this. He has given me life. He's given me everything. What can I possibly do to move the heart of royalty? What can I possibly become that will please the great being He is? *Sighs.* I do what I see my Father do in Heaven. He sent His Son to die for me, and for that, I'm eternally grateful. Because of Him, I will live through eternal damnation. I will rule with Him. I'm filled with such a power...such a energy when the Spirit inhabits me. The Spirit is always there, and sometimes I don't listen. But no more. Oh Great Spirit, lead me on. Show me where to go and I will go. Tell me what to say and I will say it. Your majesty feels my heart and I love You, Lord.

As a last and final note, I have bronchitis. And the doc thinks I might have strep. But I don't care. I'm in love. *Grins.* *Runs around happily.* What a feeling. It's great to be on the up beat again. Even though I've missed a week of school, I feel as if anything is possible. I feel like...like I could fly. This is the first high I've had since I've started medication and I love it. I hope it stays. This is the me who is really me. This is what I am. And this is what I hope to stay.

Until later,
Joey

Beloved,

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Why should I care? There really is no point in caring. So, I stop caring NOW. Wait, I already did stop caring. When I destroyed my memories. They went bye bye and so did my caring ability. *Grins.* *Giggles happily.* I don't care. Wow, this is the best feeling. I don't have to worry about anything. BECAUSE I DON'T CARE! My list signature of caring is this song...and then I'm finished.

This is the place where I sit,
This is the part where I love you too much.
Is this as hard as it gets?
'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
and tumblin' and breakin'

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand
I dream a million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights

I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends?
Nothing but good friends?

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only-
Crystal and see-through and not enough to you

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

There, that was it. I'm sorry to whoever I've hurt. I'm sorry to anyone that I betrayed or stabbed in the back. And to those people who never apologized to me for doing something to me? I DON'T CARE!! That's the magic of it. *Grins.* *Runs around happily.* *Smashes into a door...falls over.* Well...catch ya later!

-Joey

Beloved,

Sick of hearing them same old lines. The same old bologna that it's always been. Sick of hearing voices that mean NOTHING...Why is it "sweet" when a guy tells M the exact same thing I told her? Was it not sweet when it came from my lips? DO I NOT MATTER?! *Sighs.*

Well, Avril Lavigne is screaming my song. She really has the emotion I wish I had. The strength to pull myself through another shitty day. Nothing affects me anymore. I can take anything and it wouldn't bother me. I'm so sick of being susceptible to crap. I'm sick of being sick!

Oh, oh 4x

I’m giving up
On everything because you mess me up
Don’t know how much you screwed it up
You never listen, that’s just too bad
Because I’m moving on
I won’t forget you were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don’t patronize me, yeah

Chorus:
Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it’s now
You never got it?
Do you get it now, yeah, yeah, yeah?

Oh, oh 2x

Gotta get away
There’s no point in thinking about yesterday
It’s too late now
It will never be the same
We’re so different now, yeah

I know I wanna run away, I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away, if only I could run away
Run away
I told you what I wanted; I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
I was forgotten, I won’t be forgotten never again

That song...is perfect for how I'm doing right now. Just leave me alone. You've done enough damage. Let me rest in peace. Leave me be...before you destroy everything that I am.

-Joey

Beloved,

I was told by a close friend that "I have the power to do anything I want." I can do whatever the hell I want...whenever the hell I want to. Yet, I find myself forced into positions I don't want to be in. Forced to make decisions I can't stand to make. Forced into situations in which the only control I have is what comes out of my mouth. Usually, that's nothing, but that's aside from the point. The point is...with this power, I should be able to do anything I want. I should be able to be happy. I should be able to stick my head up and smile. I should be able to be strong and rely on the one thing that has sustained me for so long, and that is God. But it is now when I feel farthest away from Him. I don't want the responsibility that goes along with loving the One who died to save me. I know that sounds selfish, but it's how I feel.

Well, I dropped art. I can't be creative anymore. I can't draw. I can't get past the prelim stage and I hate it. I hate this lack of creativity. They say you learn from mistakes. That a truth hangs over after you've done something wrong. This truth is the "learning experience" that everyone is talking about. What have I learned from being sad...depressed...angry. What have I learned from being a loner, from not caring...from cutting? The answer to that question can be summed up in three words. "I don't know."

As much as I'd love to sit here and just pour out my heart in huge, complicated words, I find that I can't. This medication sucks. It drains the creativity from my mind and devours it.

My leech "Bi-polar" disorder is messing with me. It sucks all the good things out and puts the bad to the front. It's like arranging a picture album with only the worst and most embarrassing pictures in it. It's scary how much control my disorder has over me. I can't say what I'll do next. I don't know if I'm gonna make it through another day. I don't know if I can handle not cutting for even a few minutes.

I'm sick of my heart hurting. My prayers to God recently have been mostly in tears and go something like this, "God, I know I'm a sinner. And I don't care anymore. Lord, I just ask that you take the pain away. *Sobs.* Make my heart stop aching for something it can't have. Make me not love her anymore, God. Please...ple-- please, I beg You, God, just take the pain away." Pathetic? Maybe, but it's how I feel.

It sucks when every thought you think is one that is overwhelmed by a person who is no longer in your reach. We had everything...she was everything I wanted...and everything I needed...we were suppose to be...but we lost it. That sums it up. We lost what we were suppose to have. It was stolen away from me...away from us, and it was my fault. It was my fault.

Today was...well, just another day in the misery of me. I hate being miserable but it's what I am. It's my most dominant trait. I am a miserable person. A sad, pathetic, little worm who needs to get a life. I need to find myself. I seek answers to problems that only I create. I seek to destroy the only thing that is keeping me around...and that is myself.

*Goes out of misery mansion's door.* *Sits on the porch.* *Looks out to the world.* As I sit here and watch the world from my porch, I see that I'm not meant to be included in it. I'm not meant to be part of it. I'm set apart by my differences and will never be accepted for me. Not by my friends...my family...not even myself. It is these differences that set me apart and would make me useful for God if only I could stop having self-pity. But I can't. I can't help but feel sorry for myself since no one else will.

Here's a poem I wrote a couple days back.

Sadness
Only pain
This is what I feel day in and day out

Loneliness
No one here
No one to help me fight my pain

Anger
At myself
For not being able to conquer me

Destruction
What I see
This is what I want to do to myself

Isolation
How I cope
When I feel as though no one cares

Suicide
The thought
That makes sense more than any other

Darkness
Is what I see
There is no longer day within me

Guilt
Is how I feel
Because I know people love me and I can't relate

Love
Is what I need
To help me overcome my many difficulties

Selfishness
I only care
About myself and not others who I hurt

Mutilation
What I do
When there is no other way

-Joey

Beloved,

After my huge scare of possible diabetes, I'm okay now. *Sigh of relief.* I don't have diabetes. But I do have bronchitis/sinusitis and it sucks. I hate being sick. I just lay in bed barely able to breathe. I HATE THIS FEELING!!! I want AIR! GIVE ME AIR DAMN IT!!! *Reaches towards the sky.* What a preeeeey sky...* Give me air...please? PLEASE?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!!!??!?! *Sighs.* I...need...air. I WANT AIR!

*You don't always get what you want.* SHUT UP YOU STUPID VOICE IN MY HEAD! God, leave me alone! I don't want your help anymore. All I ever get is shit...all the way around. *All things work together for good for those that love the Lord.* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I don't CARE anymore. Why won't you understand? Why can't you just drop me...like everyone else has! I feel as if I've been completely abandoned. And most of this is your fault. You want me to be new. You want me to be like You! Well I can't be like You! It's too hard! I CAN'T DO IT ALONE! Give me a friend. *You have the Holy Spirit. It was enough for Jesus, it'll be enough for you!* Where do I get these stupid voices!?!?! Why are they in my head? GET OUT!

*Sighs.* This is really too much. I hate being crazy, and yet that's what I am. *Sits in chair.* *Opens memory "book" and looks at the first picture.* M. *Sighs.*

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

*Flips the page.* Oh look a picture of all the NON IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE! *Rips page out.* *Grabs lighter and sets in on fire.* I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE! *Flips the page.* Oh look...kevin. Hmm...what are YOU doing in my memory book?? Hmmm? God, I'm sick of my memories. It's time to create a new book. *Sets old book on fire.* *Throws it in the hearth.* Good bye memories. I will no longer call upon you. I will no longer have a use for you. *Looks at arm.* *Sees the scars.* Those are my memories. They serve as my strong points in life. I refuse to live by the "book" anymore. This is my life. I can do whatever the hell I want. I don't need permission. Not from friends, not from family...not from GOD. All I ever get when I try to follow You is PAIN.

So leave me alone. I'm so tired of this shit. Tired of people and tired of being alone at the same time. Tired of feeling this sickness yet embracing it. Tired of feeling hate...and wanting love...I'm sick of relying on people. I need to rely on me. But I can't. I'm self destructive. I can't rely on me. *Sighs.*

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

One of the emotional songs I'm strongly connecting to right now.

Hold me love
I can't sleep again
Will I have to kiss your nose
I wanna lay here next to her, love
I remember walkin in the rain
Rain was fallin on my hands
I don't wanna live through that again, no

I know it takes love
Love is a healing thing
When you give everything
You are loving the world
The world gives you love to hold onto
Remembering
We seldom remember love

Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
just give me time to learn to crawl
Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
Just give me time to learn to crawl

In september
When the rain comes
And the wind blows
I will see you walkin in the coat of love
If you let me
I will keep you here
Inside the stars
I will love the salt on my sheets
oh you'll love me

Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
Just give me time to learn to crawl
Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
Just give me time to learn to crawl
Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
Just give me time to learn to crawl

I am alone,
so very alone

I hurt,
so very bad

I am ignored,
just thrown aside

I am security,
for others to have

I am lonely,
there is no one close,
no one sees the pain

I cry,
hope is gone

I am alone,
and no one knows'

I am...alone. Utterly alone. And this is how I like it...yet I hate it. This is where I'm suppose to be.

-Joey

Beloved,

Today is the second day I'm sick. I have a real situation on my hands because I could be diabetic. And that is really scary for me. *Sighs.* I show all the signs and I get to have blood work done for liver enzymes and blood samples. *Sighs again.* I've been home the past two days. I know that I'm going to be so far behind but I can't deal with school right now. My meds aren't helping, I'm hearing voices and I'm just sick of trying to continue on through this hell hole called life.

What happened to me? How could I ever give so much of my heart out? Do I not have any self control? *Sniffles.* I'm sick of feeling hurt. Of feeling destroyed. M once said that she'd do anything to hear Josh say "The Reason" to her. I would do anything to hear HER say that to ME. I have a new theme song. "Addicted" by Simple Plan.

I heard you're doing ok
But I want you to know
I'm addic
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker x3

Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
I'm still addic
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to keep you
But you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you

Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker

How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you

Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker

Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you(x5)

HEARTBREAKER!

That song and "Stewart's Coat" by Michelle Branch really describe what I'm feeling right now. I hate being down in the dumps, yet, it's the place :I find myself most often. I must live with it. It is where I'm suppose to be. I don't care anymore. I truly don't. *Sighs.* *Grabs razor.* Hello, my true friend. Oh how I've longed to see your shiny surface. It's been two weeks since I've used you...and I think it's time to use you again. You've always been there for me when I needed you most. I could always call and count on you. You have never betrayed me. Only made me feel real and alive. Gave me a reason to keep going.

He sits on the floor
all alone
all by himself
on his own

He cries out
what did I do
life still sucks
nothing new

He pulls out the razor
His truest friend
Knowing that Bob
Will be there to the end

He slices the skin
Feels the sensation
Feels the life in his veins
Gives in to temptation

Burning lashes
bleeding cuts
memories of life's
big huge ruts

He sits on the floor
Broken and destroyed
Lost in sorrow
His heart had been toyed

At the end
nearing the finish
Release from pain
His only wish

As blood lets out
and begins to flow
He's at the end
He's very low

Needing a hand
to pull him up
no one there
to pull him up

Scared and tired
He lays his head down
He won't be forsaken
As he's on the ground

-Joey

Beloved,

I fill your pages yet again with my life story of pain. It's all I feel anymore. No joy...no happiness...only darkness and depression. Only muckiness and hate. I no longer have the ability to feel "good" feelings. Only bad. *Sighs.* How did I end up here? Must I continually be burdened with the thoughts and remarks of people who hate me? Of people who no longer care about what they do to me? *Curls up in fetal position.*

He shut the door
Turned on the light
Nothing left
Darkest night

Pulled out the blade
pressed it into skin
all alone
No chance to win

Slice through the flesh
lashed the arm
blood spilled veins
No alarm

Calm and collected
as he slices through
the crimson slashes
blood, too

As he cries out
He doesn't feel pain
Only anger and hate
No disdain

Sad and alone
Only his blade
crimson slashes
and the blood it made

Feeling helpless
Lost in fear
Sad and alone
Drowned in tears

-Joey

Beloved,

I'm here at a point of discontentment. I don't know what put me here...or how I was damned to this horrid pit, but I am stuck. No matter how hard I try, I can't get out. I'm sick of so many things right now, and yet I have no ability or willpower to change them. I'm sick of being fat. Tired of relying on cutting. Sick of being Bi-polar. Tired of dealing with everyone and everything. *Sighs.*

He sits down on the floor
Holds the razor to his arm
Back against the door
Mind goes up in alarm

Nothing left for him to do
He's at the very end
No more people to pull him through
Not a single friend

Lost and dazed he slices
into his arm goes the blade
Blind by tears and frustration
Only blood and past scars made

Hate and anger flow through him
as he lashes out
Nothing left to hold him up
Nothing beyond a doubt

As he slices he breaks down
feeling only warm and wet
Hate, envy, greed, and anger
all of this when he's upset

No longer seeing the blade
only crimson slashes
Nothing left but blood on the blade
Bright red lashes

He lays to the floor
as the razor clinks
Exhausted as he completes the deed
Into sleep he sinks.

Beloved,

Wow. Today was so horrible. I don't even have a reason for it to be horrible. It just sucked. I woke up...went back to bed and woke up again. Then I stayed up. I'm sick of being open. Sick of feeling emotion. Feelings are NOT what life is based on. I refuse to live my life as someone who is "stepped" on. I refuse to be a stepping stone for cruel people. I can be just as cruel! I won't stand for being ruined because of my sensitivity. I'm sick of feeling. I refuse to do it anymore.

Back to my house I retreat. *Hides.* No one will find me here. I'm safe...and the world is safer. As long as I'm hidden away, no harm will come to my "friends." No longer will I be attacked by vicious words, acts, or deeds. I'm threw! *Sighs.* It's too much. I can't...I can't-- *Breaks down.*

one cut
sharpened pain
to dull the hurt
that remains
from words still unspoken

one prick
a gash, a slash
slice through the haze
the daze, the craze
of these choking moments

one drop
blood will heal
as it congeals
past cruelties
fade into oblivion

I can no longer feel anything. I'm completely numb to love, hate, pain...emotion. I can't...feel. I WON'T feel anymore. My hope is gone. My life is utterly alone. I'm completely by myself. And this is where I dwell. Where I enjoy being. Because this is where I feel safe. As long as I'm here nobody can hurt me. And I can't hurt anybody. I'm sick of causing pain and having pain caused to me. *Runs around misery mansion.* This is my home. This is where I belong. Inside my walls, where I'm safe.

Oh sweet release
lines kept straight
crimson friends
come too late

The works begun
the rage is quelled
dripping wisdom
dark angels of hell

cold and sharp
my soul doth sigh
forbidden to live
forbidden to die

Oh sweet release
speak my name
in this truth
there lies no pain

letting go
letting out
breathing in
breathing slow

Oh sweet release
you've come at last
my future cuts
into my past

*Sighs.* More poems of my true nature. More poems that I continue to right under deep strain. More words to fill this void of mine.

Sitting alone
dazed and confused
feeling no end
rejected...refused

I hunger for cuts
my longings do hold
Don't do it
it is wrong I'm told

Hate within
Lies outside
Hidden to truth
Hidden inside

Lost and alone
drowned in my tears
alone to chaos
alone to fears

nothing left
on my own
drowned in tears
all alone...

-Joey

Beloved,

Well, today actually went by with very few incidents. I can't even hardly remember what happened...I'm so tired. All I know is I have a huge chemistry test tomorrow, and I know absolutely nothing on it. *Sighs.* Oh well...*Sits in chair.* I think I can ace it. I just need to study...and I can do that.

As far as depression goes, I think I was too zoned out today to be depressed. I'm still down...but not nearly as bad as I was. I'm still sad about Jas moving in two weeks. How can you fit everything you've always wanted to say to your bro in two weeks? Okay, he's not my biological brother, but he's the closest thing I have to a brother. I can't believe I'm being abandoned here. Why? What did I do to deserve it? *Sighs.* Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking..."The world doesn't revolve around you." Well, I'm sick of that saying.

I think that I'll write some poems now. Hmm...Yeah, that sounds like a good idea to me. *Pulls out notepad.* Let's see...right now, I'm not in the best of moods. I feel like I need to cry. And I have no one to hold me. Which really sucks. No one to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I still remember when I cut in front of Jas...and he walked over, took the blade away, and held my cut so it wouldn't bleed. *Sighs.* I won't have that anymore once he's gone. *Frowns.* I'm really gonna miss him. It's amazing how much something means to you...and how you don't realize it til after it's gone. It's crazy how important he has become to me...

Anyways, back to the poems:

Heartache's never looked so good
So close I can feel it
But no one's ever understood

Cut me open, watch me bleed
I feel nothing now
And nothing can stop me

Sorrow's ripe in my fields
Ready for a numbing
A wound that heals

No one else can hurt me
And I hurt no one
I've run into this
And now I'm alone

Keeping my eyes open
And watching like a hawk
Continually piercing pain
Can't bring myself to stop

I don't remember when
Hurting so bad ever felt so good
No, hurting so bad
Never felt so good

There...that is my best efforts. If it is not enough to satisfy your hunger for my writing, then I am truly sorry. I must be off, I have so much to do and so little time. Bob will be alone tonight yet again. I haven't had to cut in the past three days...and that is quite an accomplishment. *Sighs.* Oh well, not like I care anymore. I...feel absolutely...nothing.

-Joey

Beloved,

Whatta day. So many things have happened today. I learn so much knowledge through the strangest means. Today I was able to relate GREATLY to my Art teacher. My art teacher is one of the strongest women I know. It seems as though no matter how bad things can get, she has a light side. She laughs so much and her laugh is one that is enjoyable and contagious. Just listening to her makes my mind remember how innocent I used to be. *Sighs.* So much pain...so much torment in her daily facade. No worries only laughter lines fill her face. Of this I have great admiration...great respect because...she can relate to me...just as I relate to her.

One struggle that I've constantly been on is my weight. I hate fat. I can't stand it. And yet,...I am fat. I HATE IT. I suffered from anorexia over the summer. Dropped fifty pounds in two weeks. Then binged and gained 70 in a month. Now I feel as if I've stepped over some huge line. My friends tell me that eating is what I'm suppose to do...and yet, I don't want to eat. All I ever do is get more round. I hate my weight...I can't stand it when I step on the scale...hoping that I've dropped...five...ten...fifteen pounds from the previous time I've stepped on the cursed meter.

Here I am...sitting...my thoughts racing...my mind full on high inflation. No falter in words...no tedious preperation. My mind works like a well-oil machine...producing word after word...after word. *Sighs.*

People have no idea what it's like. I've suffered through Bi-polar disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder...anorexia...Clinical depression. Hypomania. GOD I'M A WALKING DISORDER! Oh well I guess. Nothing I can do or say will change what I have. I must deal with it the best way I know how. Even if that means going to a razor blade and cutting. It's the best way I know how to cope with my pain. I'll try and describe how I feel when I cut...

Deeper and deeper
the cuts do grow
Faster and faster
the blood does flow.

Oh what a bitch,
that one'll need a stitch.
How will I explain all of this?
Have I fallen too far into the abyss?

The blood is still dripping,
a puddle has formed.
I need to get out
or I'll surely be stormed.

I paint my chest crimson
with a bloody red rag.
I beat myself blue
with a belt and a nag.

My knuckles are bruised
from punching the walls
but then, with a knife
in my hand, someone calls.

But that murmur is only
a voice in my head
telling me stop
or soon you'll be dead.

And then a soft whimper,
a tear down my cheek
My face is all wet
from the water I leak.

Then soft, sweet serenity
I feel in my bones
A feeling of happiness,
then start the moans.

I could end it now
but the blood would stop bleeding
And then who would take over
when my joyfulness needs feeding?

So for now I just sit
and relish this feeling
with a smile on my face
and my eyes on the ceiling.

Tomorrow I might
finish the deed
but for the time being,
I sit here and bleed.

*Sighs.* There...that is it. That's how I feel. Now you know what goes on in my head when I cut. I don't know if you wanted to harbor this information or not...but you know. And I know most of you probably could care less. I'm fine with that. I'm safe now. Closed off in my little box...far away from the world...locked away in the house where I belong. My prison...my mansion. Safe from the world and it's stringent rules...away from the harmful pollutants one calls "people" I am safe...safe from all of that.

Until later...

-Joey

*Yay!!* *Does happy dance!* Nobody really cares anymore! It's WONDERFUL! Kevin, a small note to you...I never stopped caring. In fact...I still care, it's just you were never very open with your problems. If you need someone, I got your back, Kev. And I mean that. But you can refuse my help...just as everyone else has. Either way, I still care and I do still love you. *Sighs.* That is all.

-Joey

Beloved,

Why is it only here that I can be the real me? *Sighs.* I don't even know who the real me is anymore. I thought I knew...but I was wrong. I know nothing. I feel nothing...I have nothing to look forward to...*Sighs again.*

I don't care. My best friend at my school is moving in two weeks. Two weeks...Jeez. I thought things couldn't get any worse...I was wrong. What am I gonna do without you, Jas? *Sighs.* Jas, man, I need ya, bro. You promised you'd never abandon me...you promised. *Curls up and begins to cry.*

The Cut
The tighten fist
the anger at one
the need to yell
sight of a razor
picking it up
looking at myself
everything built up
the need to release
razor moving down my arm
blood pouring out
felt of releasement
still so mad
picking up the razor
moving it up and down my arm
this time not stopping
blood rushing out
still cutting
cant stop
for now my arms are bloody
now I can stop
felt of releasement
everything has gone away

Looks like my only friend will be my razor. I can handle that I guess. No biggie...I'm used to being alone. I just never could comprehend just how lonely I could be. Jas, no matter what, man, I'm gonna be here for you. That's a promise you can count on. Never forget...that I need you, because I always will. I'm sorry at some of the things I've said ... and done...things you didn't deserve or understand. I'm sorry if I was ever insensitive towards you. I'm sorry...most of all...that I couldn't be the kind of friend you deserved. *Sighs.* I'll miss you.

Until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

Well, M and I had a lovely fight. It was beautiful. She was on a hangover so I'm not sure if I should take what she said to heart. *Sighs.* I just got done cutting. 6 crimson slashes now line my arm. Funny how pain no longer seems to bother me. *Sits down.*

Today was...well...about as bad as a day can be, I think. Why am I to blame for the world's problems? Is it my fault I'm sensitive and caring? M decided that I possess neither of these traits...I'm a "Fucking arrogant son of a bitch." Wonderful. Oh well, I can't seem to find it in my heart to CARE. Nothing matters anymore. I have no reason to continue on. I'm sure it'll just be a few days before all is over. I'm not worried...I'm not scared.

I'm feeling strangely poetical tonight. More so than usual. I don't know what it was to cause this sudden boost of writing ability, but I must say, that I enjoy it. I love to be able to put my thoughts on paper. So I'll tell you a story.

Once, there was this guy who liked this girl. He wanted her more than life itself. He loved her tons and wanted to spend every last day with her. The girl liked him back, but was never ready to commit. Whether it was because she only liked "bad" boys, or because her heart couldn't handle it, she never committed. Suddenly, a guy from the girl's past shows up. He wants her back and she has no problem with this. The first guy is crushed...broken...destroyed. His love has just been taken by someone who will only destroy it. Now, no matter what happens, the guy will always love the girl. It's how things are suppose to be. And even if she doesn't love him back, he'll always love her.

I still see your face in my dreams
It hurts and it doesn't help at all
I still want you in my life as crazy as that seems
I want you to catch me when I fall

I still remember the first time we met
There was something so different about you
Your friendship was something I wanted to get
That smile when you said hi to me was so new

Out of no where you called me on the phone
I wanted to sit there and talk to you forever
You were so new, so crazy and unknown
I just knew that our friendship would never sever

One year later and we are barely holding it together
What happened to the way this all used to be
I never wanted you out of my life ever
I sat there for a long time pretending not to see

We decided to go out and make it all all right
It didn't work out of course we knew it couldn't
We couldn't even really stand each others sight
It shouldn't end this way but it did and I shouldn't

I miss you and everything you were to me
Ten years from now we will look back on it all
We will be older and finally be able to see
That love will stand the test of time and never fall

*Sighs.* It's painful to have a heart that is only opened to one person...be fully shattered by that person. It hurts. Her actions ripped me leaving many wounds. Her words stung like poison upon those wounds. Now no matter what happens, gashes in my heart will never heal. Oh well. *Slices into arm.* This is what my heart is like...slashed open and bleeding. *Looks at bloodied arm.* I...feel...nothing.

-J

Beloved,

Wow. Today has been a horrific day. This is nothing unusual...but I just thought I would state the obvious. Again, I find myself at a place where I don't want to care for people. All my cares are usually disregarded...thrown out...And I'm sick of not mattering.

*Sighs.* *Sits in chair of cowdardice.* *Looks through today's photo album.* So many memories...so useless they seem. Through all of my days, an utter darkness has clouded over.

I'm sick of being told I'm fat. Sick of being ugly. Sick of being hated...despised...and abused. I'm sick of the lies, sick of everything that causes me to spiral out of control on this fucking rollercoaster. It's not fair anymore. Life isn't suppose to be about pain...it's suppose to be joyful. Why can't I find joy???

Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted

*Sighs.* *Begins to tremble.* Wh---...why? *Sobs.* Why am I tortured so? Must I be constantly nagged and hurt? Am I to live a life of loneliness...pain...and self mutilation? Is that my goal? My purpose...? *Falls to knees.* I give up...no more pain...nothing...I feel...nothing.

-Joey

Burning pain in my arms,
Stops the burning tears.
Slicing the skin calms my doubts,
And helps erase my fears.
The anger is so strong at times,
And my pain becomes too much.
And I long to feel the calmness,
Of the knife's forgiving, tender touch.
As I watch my blood pour,
My sanity soars.
And I long to feel the pain once more.
To those who may not do this,
I probably sound insane.
But this is the only way I know how...
To ease the blinding pain.

~-~-~-~_____________________________~-~-~-~

Let the blood flow
Over the land and over the body
A sort of calming peace over the overly sensitive emotions
Bleeding is breathing
The only hope for us in our otherwise futile world
A saviour from the storm
Just like your beloved christ
Didn't he bleed too?
Making it better... Ever so much better
Bleeding is believing
Faith is blind and so are people
Pretending at all times
Living a tangled web of lies, deceits, and betrayals
What a facade we live!
Yet the blood is real
The pain is real
Reality is what you can FEEL
Can you feel faith?
I didn't think so

Beloved,

Once again, it has been too long since I have graced your pages with my emotional rollercoaster. I go up...and then I plummet down. Will this spiral ride ever end? Or will I continually be throw random thoughts...words...deeds...actions...and emotions? Can I survive myself? Or will I be forced to disappear as so many have before me? *Sighs.* Life...is...hell. That is all. Life...can be the best thing. But it can also be the worst thing.

My feelings for people no longer exist. I care about no one. I have retreated back to my house...back in my head where nobody can stab me in the back. I've found a secret get away and that's where I'm staying. No more pain...lies...hurtful words...nothing. I refuse to be the world's ragdoll. I HATE IT. I HATE my "Friends" THE ONES THAT DON'T EXIST!!

Let's just say that I'm very ... angry. I'm sick of the lies. Sick of M. Jeez, why does she have to be so CRUEL? Why is my heart feeling for her...without the same emotion coming back? Nope, no more. I refuse to do it anymore. M, it's over. I'm sorry it ended like this, but my heart is not a thing I loan out. It's not something that can be mended. It's broken...and most of that is your fault.

I'm sick of the world. Sick of the taunts and jeering. I WILL NOT BE YOUR FUCKING RAGDOLL!! Wanna use me? Wanna treat me like trash and then expect something back? Well FORGET it. *Slashes forearm.* *Again.* I...will not...tolerate it. You want to live with what you've done to me? Then by all means, YOU SHALL!

No longer will I feel. No longer can I care about your insecurities. I can't even handle my own! WHY SHOULD I DEAL WITH YOURS!!?!?! Nope...tonight...marks the end of the old me. On to the new me. I'm different...and I'm immune to your pain. Your hurtful words. Your harsh actions. NO MORE...

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Hmm...that song tells exactly what I'm feeling for a person right now. We'll call her M. Anyways, a while back, me and M went with one of her friends, we'll call the friend E, anyways, we went and saw a movie in Dodge. We hung out and had a grand old time. I've always wanted to ask M out but I've never had the guts to do so. So, when I lie and tell her I don't want a relationship, she decides that we should see other people. Fine then. My questions for M is why didn't she ask me out? Hmm? It's the 21st century...girls CAN ask guys out. But it's okay, I've discovered what I am. I'm a loner and that's how I'm meant to be. *Sighs.*

love me because im a dreamer and im dreaming of you.

love me because one day...i'll wake up next to you and fall asleep in your arms every day...

love me because im waiting patiently for the one day you'll forgive me.

love me because im trying to hold myself together for you.

love me because i love you.

you're an angel.
i know i'll never be able to have you...
i know hoping for you will only lead to unhappiness.
but i do it anyway.

I'm feeling strangely poetical tonight. I'm not sure if I'm happy...or if I'm sad...or angry or glad. I don't know where I sit emotionally. But I do know that I'm on a high. Highs can be any mood, just an increase in the mood. Like, if I'm angry, and I'm on a high, I'm three times angrier than I am if I'm not on a high. I don't know why I just told you all that...maybe to make M understand where I'm coming from.

In the past three days, I've added ten slashes to my arm. I'm not sure there was a reason to do it. I just did it because I missed the look of cuts on my arm. Without them, I feel naked. I feel as if I'm not here when they aren't there. Nobody understands this but me, but I guess I'm all that matters.

*Sits in lonely chair.* I'm used to being here. I'm used to being cold and mean. And I'm used to showing absolutely no emotion towards people...but why does it hurt to do this? Why does M cause my heart to move so much? God how I want her...and yet I know...I can't have her. It's something that causes my heart to hurt every day. I feel such a huge longing just to hold her...run my hands through her hair...kiss her. *Sighs.*

*Grabs razor.* This is what I'm reduced to. I don't care anymore. I DON'T CARE. I'm sick of wanting something and then never being able to have it. I'm sick of longing for another being so much and then having to exist without them. I'm sick of hurting...and yet, all I ever do is hurt. *Sighs.*

Until later,

-Joey