Beloved,

I'm sorry. God I'm so sorry. I never do anything right. I hurt everyone and everything close to me. I rebuke those I once held dear. I thwart off those who were once precious to me. Where will I stop? Can I stop? *Sighs.*

*Breaks down.* I have so many things that are wrong with me right now. For one, I've went on this huge "I don't care" spree, and told several important people in my life to fuck off. Secondly, I'm really struggling with cutting. I haven't done it in almost two weeks, but the urge is back. The desire is so strong...it's as though it's burning within me. I can't control it. It has a hold of me. I'm cursed to do it's bidding...*Sobs.* My "perfect world is tumbling down. All of the walls that were holding me safe are tumbling down. I'm stuck with facing reality...with facing staring eyes and menacing looks. Stuck with the hateful glances of my enemies...and even my friends...

*Stands on porch...looks out to the world.* I want to run inside her safe chambers. But she isn't safe anymore. She's full of deceit...I can hear her evil laughs. She beckons me to come and play inside of her...to use her for my safety while I throw everything away. *Thinks about going in the door...but waits...* She's old...she's earned my respect...and my gratitude so many times before...but now...why do I see her clearly for what she is? A device to hide away what I really am...a device that puts everything I am into some category...I see her with the sun on her now. I see the true colors. And I don't like what I see. *Goes inside house.* *Cold shiver runs up and down my spine.* She's dark. Morbid. Cruel. But I love her. And it is to her who I belong. I will not say words against her...not her. The one that has kept me safe. No...not her.

In this world of pretend, I have found something that nobody else can take away. Something that is real. Something I can grasp and hold on to when everything else is falling apart.

*Sighs.* *Sits in chair.* *Grabs a book from the shelf.* Here is my picture book. Once again filled with pictures I don't like to see. Pictures of loved ones. Of things done that mean so much...yet, there is so much pain in this book. Lies...deceit...hatred. All wrapped into one binding. Amazing how cruel and unforgiving life can be.

*Closes book...throws it into the hearth.* There. Be gone away from me. My scars are all I need to know what has happened to me. My scars will save me. They are my help when no one else is around. They comfort me when I am sad. When I am down, they help build me up. They are my strong moments in life...why then, do I feel so shamed after I do it? Why do I feel as though I've failed again when I let the shiny metal kiss my arm? *Sighs.*

On another note, I am now offically struggling with my second day of bulimia/anorexia. It's crazy...I eat, and then I throw it up. I can't stop myself. I have this impulse to go to the bathroom and rid my gut of its contents. I don't care what it will do to my esophagus or the enamel on my teeth. I only care about losing weight. I want to dance inbetween the rain drops. I want to be skinny...and not have to deal with fat. I don't want to be fat...*Begins tearing up.* I don't...do--...*Sobs.* Why am I being tortured? Why am I in so much pain...? It's not fair. Life ISN'T fair. *Blows nose.* Sadly, I have nothing more creative to say. I'll end in a poem I guess...if I can think of one....

Sick of trying...
Sick of lies...
sick of dying...
Sick of tries...

Broken inside...
Destroyed within...
Lost and alone...
Nothing to win...

Back against the door...
Heart beats fast...
Razor blade out...
Nothing lasts...

Fears and pain...
Bottled inside...
Blood rushes over...
Over like a tide...

Pain is lust...
Happiness is within...
I let it spill out...
I'm not going to win...

Razor clinks to the ground...
I throw it down...
I begin to sob...
In my tears I drown...

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Yet again...haha. I've left your pages blank for too long. It's crazy...I have so much to tell you, yet I have problems putting it into word form. It's crazy...how easily I can think something...yet, how hard it is for me to put it down into words. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over that. Until then, I'll just do the best I can.

I went on an ETS (educational talent search) campus tour/visit on Thursday and Friday. We went to look at KU and K-State. That was a LOT of fun. I met some really nice people and I had a good time. I haven't laughed so hard in the longest time.

I think that I will dedicate a paragraph to each of the people that I met that had some kind of impact on my life. I'll try my best to say where they are from. I'm not 100% sure I'm right...but I'll try.

First of all...Sarah. Haha. She was such a funny person. Always making people laugh and she just had this huge aura around her that was friendly. I'm pretty sure she was a junior from Dodge.

Janna. Another Junior from Dodge. She was funny as well. We went by the flamingos at the zoo, and we could hear quacking noises. She was like, "Do they quack?" Everyone but Janna had noticed that there were also ducks in with the flamingos. It was great.

Echo. She has the coolest name! I love her name, its awesome. When we were at the zoo, she walked up to the cheetah glass window thingy, and was like, "Hello!" and the Cheetah hissed and tried to scratch her through the window. It was so funny. I think she was from Dodge...and I think she's a senior.

Derrick. Another senior from Dodge. Great guy, fun to be around. He had everyone laughing ALL the time.

Nick. He's from Minneola and I think he's a junior. Nice guy to be around. Always making people laugh. I had met him during quizbowl, so I sorta knew him better than the rest of the people on the ETS trip.

Brett. This guy literally changed my life. He had leukemia and he beat it. He's such a strong person...fun to be around. At first I was skeptical of him, then I met him and I liked him right off. He's a good guy...he taught me some things...such as how to play "Magic: The Gathering." If there was one person that I connected with right away, it would be Brett.

Having been at the college campuses, I wish I was going to school there. I mean honestly, it's where I want to be.

Everyone in my room was so accepting of my cutting and Bi-polar. It's a great feeling to be accepted for who you are and not have to make up your personality. I'm glad that I went and I plan on going to many more ETS trips.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

"I found this on a pro SI site. I thought it was very descriptive and made complete sense when I read it. My name is Jonah Burlingham, but I go by many names. Freak, weirdo, and crazy are among a few. I also have several nicknames which include, Joe, Joey, Jon, and Brotha Joe. Please feel free to refer to me as you want. I am not prejudiced against being called a name, anything you deem acceptable works for me.

About me. I have been cutting for 4 years. It started out so that I could have something to cope. I needed some kind of release, and art, writing, and music never gave what cutting gives me. I enjoy cutting, yet, I find myself being ashamed when I am finished. I often wonder if I'll make it through another day. I don't cut for attention. I don't cut for affection. I cut so that I survive in this wretched thing I call "life."

The reason for this forum is to give a safe haven for those that cut. It's a place where people who SI can unite and call a safe haven. A place where no prejudice exists, only harmony. Opinions will not be forced. I will not let posts go through that force opinions on others. I'm open to letting you post your opinion though. If there is anything you'd like me to do, or would like to see changed on this board, e-mail me or address it in "Announcements."

I hope that this can be a place you can call home. A place where you are not judged by what you do,...but are accepted for who you are."

On opening my board:
http://cuttersunited.proboards20.com/

Beloved,

Why do I hinder from writing in your pages? Why do I lack the words to say to you? Am I becoming more numb than I ever was? Am I slowly meeting the end that I always knew would come? The one that I didn't want to come, yet knew it had to? The one where all I feel is pain...sadness...loss. Wrapped in a paper so thick, I suffocate from lack of oxygen? Is that to be my end? Suffocation? *Sighs.*

*Takes one last look outside before returning into the house.* Every day I must leave her. Every day I must deny the true me and put on my mask and parade around in this thing called life. On the stage called the world. I must put on a show so that nobody sees the real me. So that nobody can see who I am. Because the real me cannot be loved. The real me cannot be cared for. The real me is a shameful...useless...helpless...incapacitated little thing. That is who I am. I'm weak, selfish, and depressed. I'm lost, confused, and dazed. I'm a fake, and that is what I am. I seek not compassion...or...sympathy.

I only seek to be understood. And to be understood, one must get to know the real me. Even if that means me telling them that I think about suicide. Even if that means telling them I cut. Even if that means telling every dark little secret that I possess. I must in order to be accepted as me. I must confess to anything and everything...and once I do all that...I am abandoned. Left for dead. Because people can't handle the real me. They can't handle what they don't understand.

*Grabs memory book.* Look at all this crap that has already accumulated since I last burned the damn thing. Since I last said I wasn't going to live by the "book." LOOK AT IT!! It's a waste...*Opens to first page.* *Sees a picture of M.* *Slams book closed and lights it on fire with a match.* No more. NO MORE. I won't do it anymore. I will not live a life to suit everyone else but me. I will not live a life where I have to live up to everyone's expectations.

I'm sick of school. I will not deal with it anymore. I will strive to pass...but nothing more. I could care less if I receive high marks or low ones. I could care less if I understand the material in which I have been taught. I could care less whether I know how to do something or not. That's the joy of depression. That's the magic of it. I don't have to care.

Let me tell you a story.

There was a guy. He really liked this girl and they became good friends. Almost a year after they had met, the girl decides to ask the guy out. All is good and well, and then the inevitable happens. A break up. Because the guy knows the girl can't love him how he should be loved. Because the guy knows that the girl will turn on him if given the chance. The guy also knows that if the girl knew everything...that she would never accept him. So he breaks up with her. In doing so, the boy breaks his heart and hers. Things will never be the same between the girl and the guy. You see, once something is broken in life, super glue...not even duct tape, can pull it back together again. Once broken, always broken.

I think I'll end with a poem.

Scared and confused
Nothing left
Tear stained eyes
From when he wept

Back against the door
blade in hand
Ready to end it
Turn to sand

Crimson slashes
line his arm
killing himself slowly
inflicting harm

Back against the door
Mind in alarm
Blade against skin
Thriving in harm

Nothing left
complete dark
bright red slashes
on skin do they mark

Feeling alone
feeling depressed
Feeling a hatred
that will never be pressed

Needing a release
The blade digs into skin
Lost and alone
Seeking the end

Alone in tears
Depressed and dismayed
Once again ending
Another day

Until later...

-Joey

You let my tears fall
Without a word
You say you're sorry
But you never heard

My screams for help
Upon my arms
You never rescued me
From harm

I cried to you
You let me believe
I was the reason
that you breathe

You weren't there when
I needed you most
You are my soul
My only ghost.

Beloved,

Again, I've waited too long to write in your pages. Somehow, putting down how I truly feel, makes me feel good about myself. It helps me in ways that medication and shrinks can't. It's a technique that I've developed and I like it very much...:)

One thing I must confess, I enjoy cutting. I enjoy digging the blade into my skin and just slicing. The pain is such a joy, one that I can't explain. It helps more than anything I've ever done. It helps in ways that writing doesn't. And I must say, I smile when I look upon the scars that I've left. They complete the puzzle of me.

*Sighs.* Today has been a long...boring...annoying, day. One that I wish would just end but hasn't yet. Kevin said he'd call me and he still hasn't. I'm really lookin' forward to talking to him, as I miss just being able to pick up the phone and call him any hour of the day.

I haven't cut in about a week. I think I need to do it again. I'm feelin' down. It's as if I'm on a downward spiral that will never end. One that only ends after I die. As much as I hate being depressed, I like it. It's where I'm suppose to be. It's how I'm suppose to be. And I accept and embrace it, even if no one else does.

I have nothing creative to say...I'll end with a poem...

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?

Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?

Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?

Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.

It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o're the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.

It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.

No gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.

Until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

I always write to you and wonder if it'll be enough. I always worry about if my entry will be long enough. But I realize how foolish this is. Length means nothing if there is no emotion in the writing. So from now on I'm not going to worry about length. I'm going to worry about emotion. I'm going to put as much of myself on paper as I can...

Today has been...long...and boring. I hate being bored. There is never anything to do...which is why I sometimes resort to cutting myself to pass the time. Luckily that hasn't been today. My razor blade...x-acto knife blade...whichever you want to call it is hidden from view. No one but me knows where it is...hehe. My really bad crimson slashes are finally starting to heal. I was picking at them last night trying to make them bleed...I didn't succeed.

My room is being completely revamped...it's being ripped apart and organized...it's amazing how much room I have when it's clean.

Current Song: Eternity by Avril Lavigne

Well, this song has got me to thinking about Kevin...the last part of it goes:

"Some day we'll reunite for all eternity."

I think this statement is true. I hope to reunite with him...cuz I really do love him and I miss him. It's crazy how much I miss him...his voice...how he could always make me laugh...how he could always do everything right...and no matter if he messed up, I thought it was cute. Lol. I'm nuts...but it's how I feel.

Current song: Forgotten by Avril Lavigne

I'm finding I listen to a LOT of Avril Lavigne. Which is weird in some ways considering I used to hate her. I always found her to be attractive but I used to hate the style of her music. I'm not sure why, but now it's an eye opening experience. I enjoy listening to the rapid vocals and beautiful counter melodies that she incorporates into her songs. *Sighs.*

I'm hurting so much right now. The pain is really bad...I don't know if I can handle it...it's ripping me apart. I don't know how but it is. I never thought I could hurt this much...yet, I do...
I'm sick of hurting...
sick of ties...
tired from burning...
tired of lies...

hopelessness sink in...
ripping me apart...
tearing away at me...
tearing away at my heart...

Needing someone to open up
needing light
giving in...
giving up the fight...

*Sighs.* God I'm sick of being depressed. I wish my anti-depressants would make me happy. But they don't. They just make me more numb then I ever thought I could possibly be. I hate being like this...I HATE IT. *Sighs.* *Walks into foyer...and then into living room.* *Pulls up a chair and sits down...* *Begins to sob.* Why did I let him go? Why didn't I cling to him...*Sighs.* *Cries some more.*

Feeling down...

-Joey

Beloved,

Here I sit. Here I sit...and wait. For what? I'm not entirely sure yet...but waiting is what I do a lot of. It's as if no matter how good I have something, I want better. I'm always looking for something new. And I hate that about myself. If I just would realize that some people do care...and that want to help...and that can be there for me...then life would be much better I think...

I sit and look out on the world from my porch. The porch in which I sit when I'm in deep thought, or in some kind of trouble. The porch where I sit when I'm in the middle of something good and something bad. Something right...and something wrong...

Sometimes, I'm so stupid. I mean honestly. My best friend ups and leaves me here all by myself. People that I care most about are like..."Fuck you." People that I hold dear hate me now. God, everything is so messed up. Why did I let it get like this? HMM? Do I not have a brain? Am I incapable of thinking? *Sighs.*

Anyways, it's beginning to get dark, so I think I'm going to go back to my house of hell. Back to her...the one that holds and keeps me safe. The one that is there no matter what happens. The place where I feel safe and secure.

I want to open up but the one I want to open up to is no longer available. *Sighs.* WHY DID I LET THAT PERSON SLIP BY???!! God I'm stupid...

I miss him...I love him. I want him back. He said he'd always be there if I wanted him back...but he's not. And it hurts. Why did I miss up? Why didn't I see what I had and be thankful? Why am I hurting now? *Sighs.* *Begins to sob.* If only I could...have another chance. But that's too much to ask. He's gone...and it's over...

Until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

Wow. God it's been forever since I've written to you. So long in fact, I don't remember my last entry. I guess that's my problem. I've been so caught up with trying to get...caught up...redundant, anyways, yeah. Haha. God I'm confusing. Anyways, it's been so long cuz I've been focused on school rather than my writing talents and abilities, and when something isn't used, it gets weak. So my writing "muscle" might need some weight training.

I regret not writing you. I feel it important to fill your pages with my life. You happen to be one thing in life that I hold in high regard. Very high regard at that.

Times have been tought. Amanda and I broke up for reasons that I'd like to discuss. I felt our relationship was falling through the bottom. On top of that, I was keeping her from someone else, she needed to move on. I think we're both better because of it. I feel better. I cut because of it. Four crimson slashes because of it.

I also have etched in my arm four of the worst incisions that I've ever made. They were made out of anger when I blew up at my step-dad. He said something that truly ignited my "self injure" side and I went psycho on my arm. Four DEEP crimson lines are the result of my anger. They're going to leave some nice scars, but I don't care.

I'm happy in my house of hell. It's where I belong, and I'm happy to be here. I finally have gotten my new book together. I burned the old one that I started new with Amanda. That was another waste of precious memory pages. Too much in fact. Why was I so stupid? I should have never asked her out. But they say "Don't be sad it's over...be happy it happened." So I guess this is the outlook I'll take on it. We are still friends, and I'm happy at being just that. I never felt I could live up to her expectations.

My fire hearth has been set ablaze again. The ambers and coals bright red with fire that once had died out. The fire is ablaze for several reasons. One, I'm finding myself, and therefore adding wood to it. It's this wood that keeps the roaring fire up. Secondly, it's up because I think I'm finally where I'm suppose to be. I'm happy with where I am.

*Sighs.* What a day. Today hasn't been the best of days. Both of the tests I was suppose to take got put off, so I'm happy about that. I didn't have to take a test that I hadn't studied for. Which is what I would have done, and personally, I don't care anymore. My grades no longer have the same affect on me that they once had. They're just letters. No importance.

I really don't have much to complain about. This week has gone by rather quickly. I'm okay with it. I'm okay with me.

On another note, I'm feeling kinda down. I really really really miss Kevin. Suddenly, it dawned on me. How good I had it,...how good he was to me. I've never had anyone treat me that well, and I've never had anyone that made me feel like he makes me feel. I just want to hold him in my arms. I just want to wake up to his face in the morning. I want to hold his hand...I want to kiss him...*Sighs.* I...am breaking down because of this, but I'll try and cope. I think he's over me. And it's the best for him. If not, Kevin, I still love you. Now more than ever. I need you...

Until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

I had so much fun today! The original plan was for me, my sister, and Amanda to go see M in her pageant, but that didn't work out. Turns out the alternator in our truck died. So I was stuck in town. Instead of sittin' around and being bored, I hung out with Amanda most of the day. I had such an awesome time. I didn't know Ashland could be that much fun. But I'm glad that it was. I love her with all of my heart. It's crazy how much I like her for barely knowing her. She's such a great person, such a sweetheart, and I am truly blessed to have her in my life. *Grins.* *Sighs contentedly.*

Time to start a new memory book. *Opens a blank picture album.* *Puts pictures of Amanda, kittens, a dried rose, and dried lilac flowers.* Now, my new album is going to be new and improved. It has pictures of Amanda and kittens because they are both something I saw today. The rose symbolizes the way I feel towards her, and it also symbolizes her beauty. She really is exquisite. The lilac symbolizes her scent. She smell like a bright sunny day that a light rain has just finished falling and a gentle breeze of wind is blowing the sweet scent of lilac by. *Laughs sweetly.* I love her so much. I really am in love. *Hugs pillow.* I'll be thinking of you always. I love you!!!

until later...

-Joey

Beloved,

One thing M will never understand is that she is perfect. She has all the qualities that anyone could ever want in a person. She has humor. She's gorgeous and sexy. She has a personality that can literally fill a room. She's funny. She's kind. She's patient and understanding. She can be serious when the measure calls for it. She's perfect...and too perfect for me. No matter who I date, or who I marry, I will always think that she is perfect. Because she is. Perfection is hard to find, but it is possible. M, Josh doesn't deserve you. He's not good enough for you. And he'll never see your perfection. I wish you the best and I hope that everything in your life works out.

Now that I'm done talking about M, I think I'll move on to another girl that I really like, and think I could possibly be in love with. Amanda. What a beautiful name. Is there a name more perfect? She has a bubbly personality. One that charms and mesmerizes anyone. Her beautiful red hair complimented by her blue eyes is astounding. She is exquisite. Wonderfully exquisite. There is no other way to describe her.

I've found God again. I hear His calling in my life. I see His purpose for my life. That is to be a minister...an evangelist. This is His calling on my life. And I will do everything in my power to accomplish this. He has given me life. He's given me everything. What can I possibly do to move the heart of royalty? What can I possibly become that will please the great being He is? *Sighs.* I do what I see my Father do in Heaven. He sent His Son to die for me, and for that, I'm eternally grateful. Because of Him, I will live through eternal damnation. I will rule with Him. I'm filled with such a power...such a energy when the Spirit inhabits me. The Spirit is always there, and sometimes I don't listen. But no more. Oh Great Spirit, lead me on. Show me where to go and I will go. Tell me what to say and I will say it. Your majesty feels my heart and I love You, Lord.

As a last and final note, I have bronchitis. And the doc thinks I might have strep. But I don't care. I'm in love. *Grins.* *Runs around happily.* What a feeling. It's great to be on the up beat again. Even though I've missed a week of school, I feel as if anything is possible. I feel like...like I could fly. This is the first high I've had since I've started medication and I love it. I hope it stays. This is the me who is really me. This is what I am. And this is what I hope to stay.

Until later,
Joey

Beloved,

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Why should I care? There really is no point in caring. So, I stop caring NOW. Wait, I already did stop caring. When I destroyed my memories. They went bye bye and so did my caring ability. *Grins.* *Giggles happily.* I don't care. Wow, this is the best feeling. I don't have to worry about anything. BECAUSE I DON'T CARE! My list signature of caring is this song...and then I'm finished.

This is the place where I sit,
This is the part where I love you too much.
Is this as hard as it gets?
'Cause I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough
I'm here if you want me
I'm yours, you can hold me
I'm empty and achin'
and tumblin' and breakin'

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand
I dream a million sleepless nights
I dream of fire when you're touching my hand
But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights

I'm speechless and faded
It's too complicated
Is this how the book ends?
Nothing but good friends?

'Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart
This is the place where I'm falling apart
Isn't this just where we met?
And is this the last chance that I'll ever get?
I wish I was lonely
Instead of just only-
Crystal and see-through and not enough to you

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would

Cause you don't see me
And you don't need me
And you don't love me
The way I wish you would
The way I know you could

There, that was it. I'm sorry to whoever I've hurt. I'm sorry to anyone that I betrayed or stabbed in the back. And to those people who never apologized to me for doing something to me? I DON'T CARE!! That's the magic of it. *Grins.* *Runs around happily.* *Smashes into a door...falls over.* Well...catch ya later!

-Joey

Beloved,

Sick of hearing them same old lines. The same old bologna that it's always been. Sick of hearing voices that mean NOTHING...Why is it "sweet" when a guy tells M the exact same thing I told her? Was it not sweet when it came from my lips? DO I NOT MATTER?! *Sighs.*

Well, Avril Lavigne is screaming my song. She really has the emotion I wish I had. The strength to pull myself through another shitty day. Nothing affects me anymore. I can take anything and it wouldn't bother me. I'm so sick of being susceptible to crap. I'm sick of being sick!

Oh, oh 4x

I’m giving up
On everything because you mess me up
Don’t know how much you screwed it up
You never listen, that’s just too bad
Because I’m moving on
I won’t forget you were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don’t patronize me, yeah

Chorus:
Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted?
Do you forget it’s now
You never got it?
Do you get it now, yeah, yeah, yeah?

Oh, oh 2x

Gotta get away
There’s no point in thinking about yesterday
It’s too late now
It will never be the same
We’re so different now, yeah

I know I wanna run away, I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away, if only I could run away
Run away
I told you what I wanted; I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
I was forgotten, I won’t be forgotten never again

That song...is perfect for how I'm doing right now. Just leave me alone. You've done enough damage. Let me rest in peace. Leave me be...before you destroy everything that I am.

-Joey

Beloved,

I was told by a close friend that "I have the power to do anything I want." I can do whatever the hell I want...whenever the hell I want to. Yet, I find myself forced into positions I don't want to be in. Forced to make decisions I can't stand to make. Forced into situations in which the only control I have is what comes out of my mouth. Usually, that's nothing, but that's aside from the point. The point is...with this power, I should be able to do anything I want. I should be able to be happy. I should be able to stick my head up and smile. I should be able to be strong and rely on the one thing that has sustained me for so long, and that is God. But it is now when I feel farthest away from Him. I don't want the responsibility that goes along with loving the One who died to save me. I know that sounds selfish, but it's how I feel.

Well, I dropped art. I can't be creative anymore. I can't draw. I can't get past the prelim stage and I hate it. I hate this lack of creativity. They say you learn from mistakes. That a truth hangs over after you've done something wrong. This truth is the "learning experience" that everyone is talking about. What have I learned from being sad...depressed...angry. What have I learned from being a loner, from not caring...from cutting? The answer to that question can be summed up in three words. "I don't know."

As much as I'd love to sit here and just pour out my heart in huge, complicated words, I find that I can't. This medication sucks. It drains the creativity from my mind and devours it.

My leech "Bi-polar" disorder is messing with me. It sucks all the good things out and puts the bad to the front. It's like arranging a picture album with only the worst and most embarrassing pictures in it. It's scary how much control my disorder has over me. I can't say what I'll do next. I don't know if I'm gonna make it through another day. I don't know if I can handle not cutting for even a few minutes.

I'm sick of my heart hurting. My prayers to God recently have been mostly in tears and go something like this, "God, I know I'm a sinner. And I don't care anymore. Lord, I just ask that you take the pain away. *Sobs.* Make my heart stop aching for something it can't have. Make me not love her anymore, God. Please...ple-- please, I beg You, God, just take the pain away." Pathetic? Maybe, but it's how I feel.

It sucks when every thought you think is one that is overwhelmed by a person who is no longer in your reach. We had everything...she was everything I wanted...and everything I needed...we were suppose to be...but we lost it. That sums it up. We lost what we were suppose to have. It was stolen away from me...away from us, and it was my fault. It was my fault.

Today was...well, just another day in the misery of me. I hate being miserable but it's what I am. It's my most dominant trait. I am a miserable person. A sad, pathetic, little worm who needs to get a life. I need to find myself. I seek answers to problems that only I create. I seek to destroy the only thing that is keeping me around...and that is myself.

*Goes out of misery mansion's door.* *Sits on the porch.* *Looks out to the world.* As I sit here and watch the world from my porch, I see that I'm not meant to be included in it. I'm not meant to be part of it. I'm set apart by my differences and will never be accepted for me. Not by my friends...my family...not even myself. It is these differences that set me apart and would make me useful for God if only I could stop having self-pity. But I can't. I can't help but feel sorry for myself since no one else will.

Here's a poem I wrote a couple days back.

Sadness
Only pain
This is what I feel day in and day out

Loneliness
No one here
No one to help me fight my pain

Anger
At myself
For not being able to conquer me

Destruction
What I see
This is what I want to do to myself

Isolation
How I cope
When I feel as though no one cares

Suicide
The thought
That makes sense more than any other

Darkness
Is what I see
There is no longer day within me

Guilt
Is how I feel
Because I know people love me and I can't relate

Love
Is what I need
To help me overcome my many difficulties

Selfishness
I only care
About myself and not others who I hurt

Mutilation
What I do
When there is no other way

-Joey

Beloved,

After my huge scare of possible diabetes, I'm okay now. *Sigh of relief.* I don't have diabetes. But I do have bronchitis/sinusitis and it sucks. I hate being sick. I just lay in bed barely able to breathe. I HATE THIS FEELING!!! I want AIR! GIVE ME AIR DAMN IT!!! *Reaches towards the sky.* What a preeeeey sky...* Give me air...please? PLEASE?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!!!??!?! *Sighs.* I...need...air. I WANT AIR!

*You don't always get what you want.* SHUT UP YOU STUPID VOICE IN MY HEAD! God, leave me alone! I don't want your help anymore. All I ever get is shit...all the way around. *All things work together for good for those that love the Lord.* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I don't CARE anymore. Why won't you understand? Why can't you just drop me...like everyone else has! I feel as if I've been completely abandoned. And most of this is your fault. You want me to be new. You want me to be like You! Well I can't be like You! It's too hard! I CAN'T DO IT ALONE! Give me a friend. *You have the Holy Spirit. It was enough for Jesus, it'll be enough for you!* Where do I get these stupid voices!?!?! Why are they in my head? GET OUT!

*Sighs.* This is really too much. I hate being crazy, and yet that's what I am. *Sits in chair.* *Opens memory "book" and looks at the first picture.* M. *Sighs.*

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be


You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of our memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

*Flips the page.* Oh look a picture of all the NON IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE! *Rips page out.* *Grabs lighter and sets in on fire.* I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE! *Flips the page.* Oh look...kevin. Hmm...what are YOU doing in my memory book?? Hmmm? God, I'm sick of my memories. It's time to create a new book. *Sets old book on fire.* *Throws it in the hearth.* Good bye memories. I will no longer call upon you. I will no longer have a use for you. *Looks at arm.* *Sees the scars.* Those are my memories. They serve as my strong points in life. I refuse to live by the "book" anymore. This is my life. I can do whatever the hell I want. I don't need permission. Not from friends, not from family...not from GOD. All I ever get when I try to follow You is PAIN.

So leave me alone. I'm so tired of this shit. Tired of people and tired of being alone at the same time. Tired of feeling this sickness yet embracing it. Tired of feeling hate...and wanting love...I'm sick of relying on people. I need to rely on me. But I can't. I'm self destructive. I can't rely on me. *Sighs.*

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

One of the emotional songs I'm strongly connecting to right now.

Hold me love
I can't sleep again
Will I have to kiss your nose
I wanna lay here next to her, love
I remember walkin in the rain
Rain was fallin on my hands
I don't wanna live through that again, no

I know it takes love
Love is a healing thing
When you give everything
You are loving the world
The world gives you love to hold onto
Remembering
We seldom remember love

Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
just give me time to learn to crawl
Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
Just give me time to learn to crawl

In september
When the rain comes
And the wind blows
I will see you walkin in the coat of love
If you let me
I will keep you here
Inside the stars
I will love the salt on my sheets
oh you'll love me

Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
Just give me time to learn to crawl
Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
Just give me time to learn to crawl
Just give me many chances
I'll see you through it all
Just give me time to learn to crawl

I am alone,
so very alone

I hurt,
so very bad

I am ignored,
just thrown aside

I am security,
for others to have

I am lonely,
there is no one close,
no one sees the pain

I cry,
hope is gone

I am alone,
and no one knows'

I am...alone. Utterly alone. And this is how I like it...yet I hate it. This is where I'm suppose to be.

-Joey

Beloved,

Today is the second day I'm sick. I have a real situation on my hands because I could be diabetic. And that is really scary for me. *Sighs.* I show all the signs and I get to have blood work done for liver enzymes and blood samples. *Sighs again.* I've been home the past two days. I know that I'm going to be so far behind but I can't deal with school right now. My meds aren't helping, I'm hearing voices and I'm just sick of trying to continue on through this hell hole called life.

What happened to me? How could I ever give so much of my heart out? Do I not have any self control? *Sniffles.* I'm sick of feeling hurt. Of feeling destroyed. M once said that she'd do anything to hear Josh say "The Reason" to her. I would do anything to hear HER say that to ME. I have a new theme song. "Addicted" by Simple Plan.

I heard you're doing ok
But I want you to know
I'm addic
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker x3

Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
I'm still addic
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to keep you
But you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you

Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker

How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you

Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker

Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you(x5)

HEARTBREAKER!

That song and "Stewart's Coat" by Michelle Branch really describe what I'm feeling right now. I hate being down in the dumps, yet, it's the place :I find myself most often. I must live with it. It is where I'm suppose to be. I don't care anymore. I truly don't. *Sighs.* *Grabs razor.* Hello, my true friend. Oh how I've longed to see your shiny surface. It's been two weeks since I've used you...and I think it's time to use you again. You've always been there for me when I needed you most. I could always call and count on you. You have never betrayed me. Only made me feel real and alive. Gave me a reason to keep going.

He sits on the floor
all alone
all by himself
on his own

He cries out
what did I do
life still sucks
nothing new

He pulls out the razor
His truest friend
Knowing that Bob
Will be there to the end

He slices the skin
Feels the sensation
Feels the life in his veins
Gives in to temptation

Burning lashes
bleeding cuts
memories of life's
big huge ruts

He sits on the floor
Broken and destroyed
Lost in sorrow
His heart had been toyed

At the end
nearing the finish
Release from pain
His only wish

As blood lets out
and begins to flow
He's at the end
He's very low

Needing a hand
to pull him up
no one there
to pull him up

Scared and tired
He lays his head down
He won't be forsaken
As he's on the ground

-Joey

Beloved,

I fill your pages yet again with my life story of pain. It's all I feel anymore. No joy...no happiness...only darkness and depression. Only muckiness and hate. I no longer have the ability to feel "good" feelings. Only bad. *Sighs.* How did I end up here? Must I continually be burdened with the thoughts and remarks of people who hate me? Of people who no longer care about what they do to me? *Curls up in fetal position.*

He shut the door
Turned on the light
Nothing left
Darkest night

Pulled out the blade
pressed it into skin
all alone
No chance to win

Slice through the flesh
lashed the arm
blood spilled veins
No alarm

Calm and collected
as he slices through
the crimson slashes
blood, too

As he cries out
He doesn't feel pain
Only anger and hate
No disdain

Sad and alone
Only his blade
crimson slashes
and the blood it made

Feeling helpless
Lost in fear
Sad and alone
Drowned in tears

-Joey

Beloved,

I'm here at a point of discontentment. I don't know what put me here...or how I was damned to this horrid pit, but I am stuck. No matter how hard I try, I can't get out. I'm sick of so many things right now, and yet I have no ability or willpower to change them. I'm sick of being fat. Tired of relying on cutting. Sick of being Bi-polar. Tired of dealing with everyone and everything. *Sighs.*

He sits down on the floor
Holds the razor to his arm
Back against the door
Mind goes up in alarm

Nothing left for him to do
He's at the very end
No more people to pull him through
Not a single friend

Lost and dazed he slices
into his arm goes the blade
Blind by tears and frustration
Only blood and past scars made

Hate and anger flow through him
as he lashes out
Nothing left to hold him up
Nothing beyond a doubt

As he slices he breaks down
feeling only warm and wet
Hate, envy, greed, and anger
all of this when he's upset

No longer seeing the blade
only crimson slashes
Nothing left but blood on the blade
Bright red lashes

He lays to the floor
as the razor clinks
Exhausted as he completes the deed
Into sleep he sinks.

Beloved,

Wow. Today was so horrible. I don't even have a reason for it to be horrible. It just sucked. I woke up...went back to bed and woke up again. Then I stayed up. I'm sick of being open. Sick of feeling emotion. Feelings are NOT what life is based on. I refuse to live my life as someone who is "stepped" on. I refuse to be a stepping stone for cruel people. I can be just as cruel! I won't stand for being ruined because of my sensitivity. I'm sick of feeling. I refuse to do it anymore.

Back to my house I retreat. *Hides.* No one will find me here. I'm safe...and the world is safer. As long as I'm hidden away, no harm will come to my "friends." No longer will I be attacked by vicious words, acts, or deeds. I'm threw! *Sighs.* It's too much. I can't...I can't-- *Breaks down.*

one cut
sharpened pain
to dull the hurt
that remains
from words still unspoken

one prick
a gash, a slash
slice through the haze
the daze, the craze
of these choking moments

one drop
blood will heal
as it congeals
past cruelties
fade into oblivion

I can no longer feel anything. I'm completely numb to love, hate, pain...emotion. I can't...feel. I WON'T feel anymore. My hope is gone. My life is utterly alone. I'm completely by myself. And this is where I dwell. Where I enjoy being. Because this is where I feel safe. As long as I'm here nobody can hurt me. And I can't hurt anybody. I'm sick of causing pain and having pain caused to me. *Runs around misery mansion.* This is my home. This is where I belong. Inside my walls, where I'm safe.

Oh sweet release
lines kept straight
crimson friends
come too late

The works begun
the rage is quelled
dripping wisdom
dark angels of hell

cold and sharp
my soul doth sigh
forbidden to live
forbidden to die

Oh sweet release
speak my name
in this truth
there lies no pain

letting go
letting out
breathing in
breathing slow

Oh sweet release
you've come at last
my future cuts
into my past

*Sighs.* More poems of my true nature. More poems that I continue to right under deep strain. More words to fill this void of mine.

Sitting alone
dazed and confused
feeling no end
rejected...refused

I hunger for cuts
my longings do hold
Don't do it
it is wrong I'm told

Hate within
Lies outside
Hidden to truth
Hidden inside

Lost and alone
drowned in my tears
alone to chaos
alone to fears

nothing left
on my own
drowned in tears
all alone...

-Joey

Beloved,

Well, today actually went by with very few incidents. I can't even hardly remember what happened...I'm so tired. All I know is I have a huge chemistry test tomorrow, and I know absolutely nothing on it. *Sighs.* Oh well...*Sits in chair.* I think I can ace it. I just need to study...and I can do that.

As far as depression goes, I think I was too zoned out today to be depressed. I'm still down...but not nearly as bad as I was. I'm still sad about Jas moving in two weeks. How can you fit everything you've always wanted to say to your bro in two weeks? Okay, he's not my biological brother, but he's the closest thing I have to a brother. I can't believe I'm being abandoned here. Why? What did I do to deserve it? *Sighs.* Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking..."The world doesn't revolve around you." Well, I'm sick of that saying.

I think that I'll write some poems now. Hmm...Yeah, that sounds like a good idea to me. *Pulls out notepad.* Let's see...right now, I'm not in the best of moods. I feel like I need to cry. And I have no one to hold me. Which really sucks. No one to hold me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I still remember when I cut in front of Jas...and he walked over, took the blade away, and held my cut so it wouldn't bleed. *Sighs.* I won't have that anymore once he's gone. *Frowns.* I'm really gonna miss him. It's amazing how much something means to you...and how you don't realize it til after it's gone. It's crazy how important he has become to me...

Anyways, back to the poems:

Heartache's never looked so good
So close I can feel it
But no one's ever understood

Cut me open, watch me bleed
I feel nothing now
And nothing can stop me

Sorrow's ripe in my fields
Ready for a numbing
A wound that heals

No one else can hurt me
And I hurt no one
I've run into this
And now I'm alone

Keeping my eyes open
And watching like a hawk
Continually piercing pain
Can't bring myself to stop

I don't remember when
Hurting so bad ever felt so good
No, hurting so bad
Never felt so good

There...that is my best efforts. If it is not enough to satisfy your hunger for my writing, then I am truly sorry. I must be off, I have so much to do and so little time. Bob will be alone tonight yet again. I haven't had to cut in the past three days...and that is quite an accomplishment. *Sighs.* Oh well, not like I care anymore. I...feel absolutely...nothing.

-Joey

Beloved,

Whatta day. So many things have happened today. I learn so much knowledge through the strangest means. Today I was able to relate GREATLY to my Art teacher. My art teacher is one of the strongest women I know. It seems as though no matter how bad things can get, she has a light side. She laughs so much and her laugh is one that is enjoyable and contagious. Just listening to her makes my mind remember how innocent I used to be. *Sighs.* So much pain...so much torment in her daily facade. No worries only laughter lines fill her face. Of this I have great admiration...great respect because...she can relate to me...just as I relate to her.

One struggle that I've constantly been on is my weight. I hate fat. I can't stand it. And yet,...I am fat. I HATE IT. I suffered from anorexia over the summer. Dropped fifty pounds in two weeks. Then binged and gained 70 in a month. Now I feel as if I've stepped over some huge line. My friends tell me that eating is what I'm suppose to do...and yet, I don't want to eat. All I ever do is get more round. I hate my weight...I can't stand it when I step on the scale...hoping that I've dropped...five...ten...fifteen pounds from the previous time I've stepped on the cursed meter.

Here I am...sitting...my thoughts racing...my mind full on high inflation. No falter in words...no tedious preperation. My mind works like a well-oil machine...producing word after word...after word. *Sighs.*

People have no idea what it's like. I've suffered through Bi-polar disorder, Obsessive compulsive disorder...anorexia...Clinical depression. Hypomania. GOD I'M A WALKING DISORDER! Oh well I guess. Nothing I can do or say will change what I have. I must deal with it the best way I know how. Even if that means going to a razor blade and cutting. It's the best way I know how to cope with my pain. I'll try and describe how I feel when I cut...

Deeper and deeper
the cuts do grow
Faster and faster
the blood does flow.

Oh what a bitch,
that one'll need a stitch.
How will I explain all of this?
Have I fallen too far into the abyss?

The blood is still dripping,
a puddle has formed.
I need to get out
or I'll surely be stormed.

I paint my chest crimson
with a bloody red rag.
I beat myself blue
with a belt and a nag.

My knuckles are bruised
from punching the walls
but then, with a knife
in my hand, someone calls.

But that murmur is only
a voice in my head
telling me stop
or soon you'll be dead.

And then a soft whimper,
a tear down my cheek
My face is all wet
from the water I leak.

Then soft, sweet serenity
I feel in my bones
A feeling of happiness,
then start the moans.

I could end it now
but the blood would stop bleeding
And then who would take over
when my joyfulness needs feeding?

So for now I just sit
and relish this feeling
with a smile on my face
and my eyes on the ceiling.

Tomorrow I might
finish the deed
but for the time being,
I sit here and bleed.

*Sighs.* There...that is it. That's how I feel. Now you know what goes on in my head when I cut. I don't know if you wanted to harbor this information or not...but you know. And I know most of you probably could care less. I'm fine with that. I'm safe now. Closed off in my little box...far away from the world...locked away in the house where I belong. My prison...my mansion. Safe from the world and it's stringent rules...away from the harmful pollutants one calls "people" I am safe...safe from all of that.

Until later...

-Joey