Beloved,

I just ... had to say something. I can't...not say something. *Sighs.* I guess that's just me. I think I fucked up today with Dennis. Fucked up big time. Why am I so fucking stupid? GRR. Dennis, if you read this, I'm so sorry. Please...give me a second chance? I love you....

On another note, I'm finding it EXTREMELY difficult to just...say goodbye and let go of Brett. But, I know that I must. I know that I have to move on. Him and I are no longer on the same page. We don't exist in the same world. Yes, I've had good times with him. Hell, the best times I've ever had, to be honest. But, I don't want to hurt anymore.

I refuse to open myself up. I refuse to give people the headstart in stabbing me in the back and leaving me to die. I refuse to be weak...and vulnerable. Not anymore. Never again.

These poems, are not my own, but I will be writing some shortly. I got them from...??? I don't remember. But they describe what I'm dealing with in trying to say goodbye to Brett. It's so fucking hard. But, I am a strong person. I will prevail. So watch me shine....

Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.
I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.
Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.
The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.
If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.
I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.
You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.

I never thought I'd see this day,
I never thought I'd feel this way,
You...a stranger to me now.
I'm left with emptiness...
I wish I knew how it could be,
That we were once so open and free.
You were like my brother.. yet so much more
I wish I would have seen what I see now before.
For, I did not and it's too late...
My friend, my lover once, is now unknown.
And what hurts the most is I now know..
What I lost.. and I'm alone.
To face a challenge life has sent,
And not a moment with you I've spent.
I hope one day I can forgive you, my friend..
I miss you....
Why did you go?

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* *Shifts weight uneasily in chair.* I'm so...so confused right now. The whole "Mixed" part of my bi-polar is fucking with me again. Today, I met some of the nicest guys in my life. It's crazy. People that I really loved...that I really cared about. People...that loved me, too. And I knew it. I didn't have to question it...I knew that they loved me. I was smiling so much. I couldn't stop smiling. Dennis is the sweetest person I've ever met. He is really a great guy, and I look forward to getting to know him better. Love you, Dennis.

Then on the other hand, we have Brett. I don't know what the fuck to do about him. When I got back from my trip, I was so...happy to talk to him. I had written him EVERY night while I was gone...sometimes twice a day, and I was very dedicated. I mean, I have NEVER been that dedicated to someone. It's crazy. So, I got home, expecting him to say that he loved me and that he missed me. And guess what he said...? NONE of the above. In fact, I didn't even get an "I'm sorry about your grandpa" outta him. How fuckin' sick is that? I mean honestly? *Sighs.* It pisses me off more than...grr. I just don't want to talk about it. I got the worst fucking vibe possible from him...and it hit...hard. So now, I'm left with the repurcussions of his actions, and the ones that I've made tonight. Maybe, I was the one to make a mistake. But I don't think so. So, *Shrugs.* Who gives a fuck?

So, now backed to the whole "mixed" thing. I have this overwhelming feeling of happiness. So overwhelming it almost had me in tears earlier. I have NEVER been that happy. And then, on the other side of my mood disorder, I have this overpowering burden of sadness and anger. I hate having bi-polar disorder. The fucking medication doesn't work. Grr. But ya know what? I don't care. That's the magic of it, I don't have to care. I don't GIVE A FUCK. ASK ME IF I CARE? Go on, ask me. See what kind of response you get...

Well, nothing really left to say...*shrugs*...Dennis, if you read this, I love you. *Hugs.* I'll talk to you later, hopefully. :) Brett, I don't know if you read this anymore or not, but if you do, now you know the problem. It's up to you to fix it. It's gonna be tough. Cuz yeah, you fucked up. And in my opinion, big time. More than even when you didn't call me. So...yeah. You played my emotions. And that's just something I don't tolerate.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Just have to put this song in my diary. Thank you, Daniel, for sending it to me. It's already a favorite of mine. It has a kick ass beat. And the lyrics are great. Love you so much. *Hugs.*

Poison by Groove Coverage

You're cruel device
Your blood like ice
One look could kill
My pain your thrill

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison running through my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Your mouth so hot
Your web I'm caught
Your skin so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running trough my veins

You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Running deep inside my veins
Poison burning deep inside my veins
One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running trough my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Poison

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running trough my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Poison

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Below are some quotes and uhm...sayings, I guess, that I pirated from my sister. Hehe...love you, Tubs. :) ANYWAYS, I like them...I doubt anyone else will, but they've helped me to feel better when I was depressed about not being able to find the right person. SO...here they are...:D

♥ "I may not get to see you as often as I'd like. I may not get to hold you in my arms every night. But no matter what I do, I know it's true, I'm in love with you."


~*You can't fall in love with someone if you are already in love with someone else*~

There's always gonna be that one person.your heart jumps when you see them u could talk to them forever, and when you hear their voice you fall in love all over again...but you never want to give up on them!!


*A girl asked a guy if she was pretty, he said no. She asked him if he wanted her, he said no. She asked him if she left would he cry, he said no. She turned to leave, he grabbed her arm and said..you're not pretty; you're beautiful. And I don't want you; I need you. And I wouldn't cry if you left; I would die*


if dreams weren't dreams, and dreams come true, i wouldn't be here i'd be with you, distance is one thing that keeps us apart but you will always remain in my heart!


you know you've found the right person when you have a smile on your face and in your heart as well


Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamt of you..I wish that someday I'd dream bout my pillow and I'd be hugging you.♥

Until Later,

-Joey

Beloved,

I sit alone
in a dark theatre,
watching the people go by,
hand in hand,
everybody but me.
Oh....

I stay behind,
watching the credits roll by
roll, roll, roll, right right by me.

Chorus:
I know, I won't cry,
'cause there is somebody, somebody, somebody,
waiting for me out in the rain.
Won't cry, not tonight,
'cause there is somebody waiting for me.
oooooh yeah....

I take a walk,
the streets are busy tonight,
and I am searching for you,
waiting to brush your shoulder.
But I'm alone,
I watch the faces roll by,
roll, roll, roll, right by me.

Chorus

How many words will go unspoken?
'Til I hear knocking upon my door.
I need some talkin, the nights I spent heartbroken
But tonight I am going home,
I won't cry no more.

I lie awake, I left the porch light on,
I hope it helps you find your way.
Outside, I hear the thunder roll by.
Roll, roll, roll right by me

Chorus.

Not going to cry tonight.
No, no, no, no!
Oh yeah,
not going to cry,
not tonight,
there is somebody waiting for me.

I stay behind, watching the credits roll by,
roll, roll, roll right by me.


*Sighs.* I'm really quite depressed right now. I KNOW that there is someone out there for me...I just don't think I'll ever find them. That person eludes me somehow. And when I think I've found the one, they aren't it. It's really quite heartbreaking. It hurts so much...

I want to hold that person...hug that person...kiss that person...cuddle. I just want a loving...caring relationship...is that too much to ask for? I mean honestly, don't I deserve it after all the shit I've been through? *Sighs.* *Begins to cry...*

I guess not...

-Joey

Beloved,

I don't care if it's hurt, I Want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul,
I want you to notice, When I'm not around. You're so fucking special, I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell i'm doing here? I don't belong here, I don't belong here.

Sorry, I cant be perfect.

Thank you Linda for writing this. I can't remember what your name on elftown is, but when I figure it out, I'll post it. Hehe. If you see this, give me a holler...:)

I love you, Daniel...:)

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

*Sings.* Goodbye to you...Goodbye to everything...that I knew...

Just wanted to post some closure...Losing a best friend is hard...but...it's probably for the best. I don't deserve friends...I don't deserve love...or relationships...I'm worthless...useless...and utterly alone. But I can live with that. I can...and I will. *Sighs.*

As a side note...I love you, Daniel...:) Thanks for being there...You're an amazing guy...:D

And that is all for now!

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Something I found on elftown today...I wish I could put into words how much you really do mean to me, Brett. I'm afraid I'll never be able to express it to you...but I will do my best...

I look at you and I see my best friend. Your energy and passion inspire me in ways I never thought possible. Your inner beauty is so strong that I no longer fear being myself. I no longer fear at all. I never thought I'd find someone to love that would love me back unconditionally. And then I realize that although we were often apart, you were always with me and you were always my soul mate.


You give me purpose when I feel I have none. Without you my soul would be empty, my heart would be broken, my being incomplete. I thank God every day you were brought into my life and I thank you for loving me.

Love you...

-J

Beloved,

More Proof of Our Stupidity ~~~~~
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods.
1.) On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (andthat's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


2.) On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)


3.) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)


4.) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)


5.) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


6.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)


7.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)


8.) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


9.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)


10.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)


11.) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


12.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."(talk about a news flash)


13.) On an American Airlines packet of nuts:"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


14.) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


15.) On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


16. On a hot or cold pack:Warning:do not microwave while wearing (like i can fit in a microwave)


17.) Sure-kill ratraps: warning: do not use on any animal larger than a mouse. (but isn't a rat larger than a mouse?!?)


18) On a Korean kitchen knife "warning keep out of kids" (out of kids?? aww but thats the only place i use it!)


I am not a great guy...
I'm not even a good guy...
I dont deserve what i have...
I dont deserve any of you...
and im sorry that I'm not worthy to even know you...
I am sorry...

Two things I found on elftown today...YAY...elftown ROCKS! BTW, Bretters, remind me and I'll send you those pictures that I took. Haha...my sister refused to comment because she is "taken." I'd comment but my comments don't matter...so...yeah...All I have to say is...DUDE. :) Anyways, hope to talk to you tonight.

Wow, this is the second time...I've posted today...well technically...the third...HMMM...*Shrugs.* Oh well...Anyways, brightest blessings & blessed be! I LOVE YOU!!!(You know who you are...:) AND you know who you AREN'T :D)

Until later,

-Joey

i hate you sometimes
but i hate myself more
i'm sorry i made you leave
but i had to shut the door

but when i think about it
i just might hate you so much
because you weren't there for me
when i needed to feel your touch


i hate the way you never call
you never talk to me
so now i feel ignored
fine if thats the way you want to be


now i don't really care
i don't want to know
why you are that way
why is it so??

Thank you [Unseen Unheard Unspoken~*~] for this AWESOME poem...sorry I didn't give you credit...I couldn't remember where I got it. BUT NOW YOU HAVE CREDIT :D !! MUCH LOVE!

-Joey

Beloved,

LOL! M's diary is the FUNNIEST damn thing I've read ALL day. "He must be gay." Yeah, whatever, bitch. You must be a slut. :D When...and if, I ever need girls in my life again, I will most definately NOT come to you. You are not a true friend. You were merely a fill-in until I found better people who actually WERE my friends...like Brett, Josh, and Tyty. OH...AND YOU MUST BE GAY TOO!!! OMG...YOU LOVE...*Gasp* girls...OH SHIT...THAT MAKES YOU GAY!! *Rolls eyes.* Enough of your ignorance. FUCK YOU. :D

Oh, and an UPDATE about Kelsey. LOL. GOD WHATTA BITCH!!!! I spent New Years Eve/New Years Day with Brett and Josh. We spent the night over at Brett's house...and Kelsey wasn't suppose to go ANYWHERE near it. She came over TWICE...and is lucky I didn't see her fucking face...OMG, I would have exploded...and then left. It's over BIATCH...Find someone else...don't toy with people's hearts...by the way, Brett is pretty much over you now, too, and is SICK of your crap. SO GO TO HELL.:D OH! And don't toy with Josh. He has enough crap in his life to deal with...without having to put up with the "blonde piece of ass up on the hill." Thank you Brett's Dad for that WONDERFUL QUOTE!!! You're great. AND BTW, Brett's Mom?...YOU'RE AWESOME. I AGREE COMPLETELY ABOUT YOUR OPINION ON KELSEY. SHE IS A BITCH...AND BAD INFLUENCE...AND SHOULD BE LOCKED AWAY AND NEVER LET OUT TO HURT INNOCENT GUYS. Haha, DUDE, it was SO funny to hear that Kels hung up on Josh...he coulda cared less...:D Haha, that's the nice thing about having "bros before hoes." Those "Bros" care about you and don't leave you...uh...no matter WHAT "IT" says. And yes, Kelsey, if you're reading this,...YOU need to get new material, as it was MINE LONG before it was yours. :D

DUDE, LOL. I'd put in here what Brett did to Josh, but uh...I don't think it's safe...*Looks away innocently.* NOT THAT HE DID ANYTHING TO JOSH. *Runs.*

Josh and Brett, I had the BEST time. I'm so sorry that I had a depression during it and uh...well, left. Thank you for coming and walking with me. Thank you both for being by my side.

Josh, it was really great meeting you, dude. You're an AWESOME person. Haha, we talked ALL night...that's crazy. I think that you're starting to open up to me, and that makes me feel...trusted. It makes me feel like you can trust me...and it makes me feel needed. Which is EXACTLY what I need. Thank you so much for everything, dude. Know that I will ALWAYS be here for you. When you left, haha, me and Brett went downstairs and were like..."Dude, it feels...empty." I agree completely. Love you, dude.

Brett, haha, the good times we share. I did start crying when I left Dodge, and I started snapping myself with the rubberband as punishment. Dude, I miss you so bad. It hurts. *Sighs.* I need you. And I'm scared that something is gonna happen and you're gonna leave. IT SCARES THE FUCK OUTTA ME!!! Brett, I'm always here for you...always. Use me to your disposal. Thank you for talking to me...and helping me through my shit. I'm gonna do the best I can to help you through yours. I hope EVERYTHING works out with Lesa and you. If not, you got me and Josh here to support you and help you through. GOD KNOWS YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR US. *Sighs.* I just ... wish I could say how I really felt. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. You are my BEST friend...:) I think things like this work better over the phone or in person...OH...and thanks for the magic cards, AND the thing you said at Wal-Mart. *SHHH* We'll keep it our secret. Love you, dude.

I think that wraps up today's dramas...If not, I'll be back to write more ... :D

Until later,

-Joey

LOL! ME AND MY SISTER ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha, messenger is GREAT. ANYWAYS...yeah.

Beloved,

Yay!!! I get to stay at Brett's for New Years! WOOT WOOT! I get to meet Josh...YAY! AND THE BEST PART? NO GIRLS!!! WOOT WOOT WOOT!!!! I'm so glad that I'm getting rid of all the girls in my life. SCREW THEM. I DON'T NEED THEM. ALL THEY EVER DID WAS CAUSE ME PAIN...SO FUCK Y'ALL!!!

Anyways, tonight's gonna be awesome. LOVE YOU BRETT AND JOSH. Oh...and Tyty, love you dude. :)

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

All I have to say right now is FUCK YOU. You know if I'm talking to you. If not, then don't worry about it. CUZ I DON'T CARE. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Oh, and just another note to Brett, heh, I do this a lot. ANYWAYS, thank you for talking to me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for ALWAYS being there and forcing me to talk. Thank you for loving me for who I am. Thank you for caring enough to listen to me. Thank you for understanding my perspective. Thank you for never giving up on me. Know that you will always have my love and trust. And also know that I need you more than ANYONE else or ANYTHING else. You ARE the reason I keep breathing. You are my BEST friend, and have been the BEST I have ever had. You're sincere...yet considerate. Kind and caring...loving and honest. Thank you for everything that you've done, you're doing, and that you're gonna do. You're great. That's all there is to it.

Oh, and JOSH! I don't know if you read this...but you rock, too. You are an awesome dude with great potential...thanks for listening to me without getting mad. I know you mess up sometimes, but we all make mistakes, so don't worry about it. I love you...and if you need someone to talk to, know that I'm always here.

Oh, and I don't know if I told you this but I'm getting a HEDGEHOG...:D:D:D:D:D Yes, I promise, Bretters, when I get it I'll bring it up to see you. I bet it will LOVE you just as much as I do...well, I don't know if that's possible...but it'll be close. :) I'll be naming Sonya if it's a girl, and B if it's a boy. I'll call it little B. :) You all know why...or can figure it out, I'm sure.

AND JOSH...PINK FLOYD?! LOOOOL! Don't let me forget to tell you that joke. Haha, it's great. To all my REAL and TRUE friends, thank you for being there. Thank you for being compassionate and caring. Thank you most of all, for showing your love to me and saving my life. That includes you Tyty. I don't know what I'd do without you...I LOVE YOU.

Oh...and to all those stupid girls who have hurt me...FUCK YOU:D I don't need you or your shit. And TA DA...that's the magic of it. I don't care. HAHAHAHAHA...it's a GREAT feeling not to care. I won't tolerate your shit anymore. :D

Tyty, Brett, and Josh, I love you guys. Thanks for being my bros and saving my life on numerous occassions.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

"What i don't get about the world is people, i know its a very general topic. People hide away in huge crowds pretending to be happy. People hide away from themselves never letting there feelings show. The worst part is when you hide and you try to get out but no one tries to help you. I was once like that I'm sad to say, but i found the light that hides within, it took me 2 years to find that light, and with it came, new friends, more oppurtinies, and new interests. If ever you have lost that light, look for it in someone who can help you and let them help you, i know that sounds korny but its true. No one is ever sure of someone they just met, but you have to learn to trust them and let them learn to trust you as well. Remember that."

Thank you to whoever wrote this. It makes perfect sense. *Bows.* I'm glad you have it figured out.

Brett, I just want to say thank you for everything. You've saved my life more times then we can count...and it's not important the quantity...but the quality. I'm glad that I see out friends in my life that support...trust...love and care about me. I'm glad that I don't look for happiness by pleasing people and that I'm able to be myself. Brett, you are helping me in ways I never thought a person could. I love you...always. Never forget that. You are my bro. The person that I've trust most. Thank you for listening and caring. Thank you for your patience and all the sweet and kind words. Thank you for the happiness you bring to my face...and thank you...for eating ice cream. LOL. Brett, you know what I'm talkin' about. Thanks so much for everything...my life, literally, depends on you. Love you, dude.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

Yours,

Joey

Beloved,

I thought I'd just leave you with a song...about how I'm letting go of certain people...and certain aspects of my life...you know who you are. I'm sorry I hurt you...I'm sorry that I got hurt...and even if you're not sorry, I don't care...That's the magic of it...I don't have to care...

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Ooh, And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

The one thing that I tried to hold on to....
The one thing that I tried to hold on to....
The one thing that I tried to hold on to....

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* Whenever I write into your pages...a sense of peace...of ease comes to me. Why then do I linger to write into you? Why do I have so many God damn un-creative modes that I can't write? Why does it hurt to write in you...yet, feel so very good? Is it because I am ridding myself of inner feelings that are hid in my subconscious? Or is it because I'm just strange...a freak?

I think to myself every time I write how horrible the entry is going to be. I say how short it's going to be. I think that no matter how much I write it will never be enough...yet, my entries always turn out better than I intended them. Maybe the same thing will happen with my life. Maybe it will come out much better than I intend it to. I can only wonder until that day comes.

My psychiatrist took me off my bi-polar medication and put me on anti-depressants. So now, I can have my highs...but I won't have lows. Hopefully this will create some drastic change in how much I care about school, friends, etc. I don't know if it will or not, but there is always hope...

On another note, I'm having urges to cut again. I haven't done it in 6 days and the urges are SO strong. It's as though I don't have control over myself or the blade. It's as if I'm a slave to the master blade...and I'm stuck to do it's bidding. It's hard to stop...but I'm really trying for Kelsey...and Brett...and the few other people I care about.

Oh that reminds me. KELSEY. I haven't talked about her yet. I met her about three weeks ago. Apparently, Brett showed her a picture of me and she thought I was hot from the get-go. That's really sweet, as I believe I am unattractive. But regardless of what I think, she thinks I'm hot. *Blushes.* :D I wish I could put pictures up here, but I can't cuz I'm not a GoldMember. WHICH IS CRAP, DIARYLAND! Oh. Lol. Anyways, back to Kels. She's 5'8. Beautiful. She hates her hair, but I love it. She has the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. I've had feelings for girls, but none like this. I told myself that I would never change myself to make myself acceptable. That I must be accepted for who I am. Yet, I find myself changing for her. I haven't cut. I've been eating. She's building my self-esteem. She's really a unique person, and I'm glad that Brett introduced me to her. I LOVE YOU KELSEY.

I don't think I've talked about Brett in here, but I will go ahead and dedicate a paragraph to a person who is truly a friend. I met him on the ETS trip and he is an amazing person. When I told him about my cutting, bi-polar, and eating disorders, he didn't freak out. In fact, in most aspects, he agrees with my reasoning for what I do. He's the first person to ever accept me for all that I am, and that is something special. He will never know how much I rely on him...but it's more than I could have ever imagined. More than I've ever relied on anyone. Brett, dude, I love you and thanks for being there through all my stuff. I'm here for you no matter what...you know where to find me. :)

I'm officially on speaking terms with Mikki again. That relieves some stress in my life. She's an awesome person to talk to about anything and I really appreciate her for being there through some of my hardest times. She is great. Really great. I will always hold her perfect. LOVE YOU MIK!

I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm losing my creative writing style and it makes me sad. I loved when I could just put my soul into words and then jab it onto this piece of paper. But now, it's harder than hell to write. I don't know what's up with that, but I hope that switching my medications helps that. I REALLY DO.

School sucks. I'm sick of it. I'm ready for CHRISTMAS break even though I HATE christmas. Apparently, Kelsey spent almost 200$ on me. That's nuts. *Sings.* You ain't gotta buy nothin'...it's not what I want...baby it's you. :) I'm sure I'll love what I'm getting...and she'll be happy with her Christmas gift. I'd put it on here, but I think she reads this...so, I won't say what it is. I'll just say that she'll love it.

Oh...and I officially had my second date. YAY FOR ME. I went up to Dodge to see Kels, Brett, and Tara. Hung out with them all day. Went to the movies...held Kelsey's hand...had a good time. Laid on a trampoline and star-gazed while cuddling Kels. *Sighs contentedly.* I've NEVER felt this way about a girl. The emotion is so strong. I hope everything works out. She's a beautiful person...and I love her.

I guess that's all for now...

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

I'm sorry. God I'm so sorry. I never do anything right. I hurt everyone and everything close to me. I rebuke those I once held dear. I thwart off those who were once precious to me. Where will I stop? Can I stop? *Sighs.*

*Breaks down.* I have so many things that are wrong with me right now. For one, I've went on this huge "I don't care" spree, and told several important people in my life to fuck off. Secondly, I'm really struggling with cutting. I haven't done it in almost two weeks, but the urge is back. The desire is so strong...it's as though it's burning within me. I can't control it. It has a hold of me. I'm cursed to do it's bidding...*Sobs.* My "perfect world is tumbling down. All of the walls that were holding me safe are tumbling down. I'm stuck with facing reality...with facing staring eyes and menacing looks. Stuck with the hateful glances of my enemies...and even my friends...

*Stands on porch...looks out to the world.* I want to run inside her safe chambers. But she isn't safe anymore. She's full of deceit...I can hear her evil laughs. She beckons me to come and play inside of her...to use her for my safety while I throw everything away. *Thinks about going in the door...but waits...* She's old...she's earned my respect...and my gratitude so many times before...but now...why do I see her clearly for what she is? A device to hide away what I really am...a device that puts everything I am into some category...I see her with the sun on her now. I see the true colors. And I don't like what I see. *Goes inside house.* *Cold shiver runs up and down my spine.* She's dark. Morbid. Cruel. But I love her. And it is to her who I belong. I will not say words against her...not her. The one that has kept me safe. No...not her.

In this world of pretend, I have found something that nobody else can take away. Something that is real. Something I can grasp and hold on to when everything else is falling apart.

*Sighs.* *Sits in chair.* *Grabs a book from the shelf.* Here is my picture book. Once again filled with pictures I don't like to see. Pictures of loved ones. Of things done that mean so much...yet, there is so much pain in this book. Lies...deceit...hatred. All wrapped into one binding. Amazing how cruel and unforgiving life can be.

*Closes book...throws it into the hearth.* There. Be gone away from me. My scars are all I need to know what has happened to me. My scars will save me. They are my help when no one else is around. They comfort me when I am sad. When I am down, they help build me up. They are my strong moments in life...why then, do I feel so shamed after I do it? Why do I feel as though I've failed again when I let the shiny metal kiss my arm? *Sighs.*

On another note, I am now offically struggling with my second day of bulimia/anorexia. It's crazy...I eat, and then I throw it up. I can't stop myself. I have this impulse to go to the bathroom and rid my gut of its contents. I don't care what it will do to my esophagus or the enamel on my teeth. I only care about losing weight. I want to dance inbetween the rain drops. I want to be skinny...and not have to deal with fat. I don't want to be fat...*Begins tearing up.* I don't...do--...*Sobs.* Why am I being tortured? Why am I in so much pain...? It's not fair. Life ISN'T fair. *Blows nose.* Sadly, I have nothing more creative to say. I'll end in a poem I guess...if I can think of one....

Sick of trying...
Sick of lies...
sick of dying...
Sick of tries...

Broken inside...
Destroyed within...
Lost and alone...
Nothing to win...

Back against the door...
Heart beats fast...
Razor blade out...
Nothing lasts...

Fears and pain...
Bottled inside...
Blood rushes over...
Over like a tide...

Pain is lust...
Happiness is within...
I let it spill out...
I'm not going to win...

Razor clinks to the ground...
I throw it down...
I begin to sob...
In my tears I drown...

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Yet again...haha. I've left your pages blank for too long. It's crazy...I have so much to tell you, yet I have problems putting it into word form. It's crazy...how easily I can think something...yet, how hard it is for me to put it down into words. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over that. Until then, I'll just do the best I can.

I went on an ETS (educational talent search) campus tour/visit on Thursday and Friday. We went to look at KU and K-State. That was a LOT of fun. I met some really nice people and I had a good time. I haven't laughed so hard in the longest time.

I think that I will dedicate a paragraph to each of the people that I met that had some kind of impact on my life. I'll try my best to say where they are from. I'm not 100% sure I'm right...but I'll try.

First of all...Sarah. Haha. She was such a funny person. Always making people laugh and she just had this huge aura around her that was friendly. I'm pretty sure she was a junior from Dodge.

Janna. Another Junior from Dodge. She was funny as well. We went by the flamingos at the zoo, and we could hear quacking noises. She was like, "Do they quack?" Everyone but Janna had noticed that there were also ducks in with the flamingos. It was great.

Echo. She has the coolest name! I love her name, its awesome. When we were at the zoo, she walked up to the cheetah glass window thingy, and was like, "Hello!" and the Cheetah hissed and tried to scratch her through the window. It was so funny. I think she was from Dodge...and I think she's a senior.

Derrick. Another senior from Dodge. Great guy, fun to be around. He had everyone laughing ALL the time.

Nick. He's from Minneola and I think he's a junior. Nice guy to be around. Always making people laugh. I had met him during quizbowl, so I sorta knew him better than the rest of the people on the ETS trip.

Brett. This guy literally changed my life. He had leukemia and he beat it. He's such a strong person...fun to be around. At first I was skeptical of him, then I met him and I liked him right off. He's a good guy...he taught me some things...such as how to play "Magic: The Gathering." If there was one person that I connected with right away, it would be Brett.

Having been at the college campuses, I wish I was going to school there. I mean honestly, it's where I want to be.

Everyone in my room was so accepting of my cutting and Bi-polar. It's a great feeling to be accepted for who you are and not have to make up your personality. I'm glad that I went and I plan on going to many more ETS trips.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

"We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are in pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks."

"I found this on a pro SI site. I thought it was very descriptive and made complete sense when I read it. My name is Jonah Burlingham, but I go by many names. Freak, weirdo, and crazy are among a few. I also have several nicknames which include, Joe, Joey, Jon, and Brotha Joe. Please feel free to refer to me as you want. I am not prejudiced against being called a name, anything you deem acceptable works for me.

About me. I have been cutting for 4 years. It started out so that I could have something to cope. I needed some kind of release, and art, writing, and music never gave what cutting gives me. I enjoy cutting, yet, I find myself being ashamed when I am finished. I often wonder if I'll make it through another day. I don't cut for attention. I don't cut for affection. I cut so that I survive in this wretched thing I call "life."

The reason for this forum is to give a safe haven for those that cut. It's a place where people who SI can unite and call a safe haven. A place where no prejudice exists, only harmony. Opinions will not be forced. I will not let posts go through that force opinions on others. I'm open to letting you post your opinion though. If there is anything you'd like me to do, or would like to see changed on this board, e-mail me or address it in "Announcements."

I hope that this can be a place you can call home. A place where you are not judged by what you do,...but are accepted for who you are."

On opening my board:
http://cuttersunited.proboards20.com/

Beloved,

Why do I hinder from writing in your pages? Why do I lack the words to say to you? Am I becoming more numb than I ever was? Am I slowly meeting the end that I always knew would come? The one that I didn't want to come, yet knew it had to? The one where all I feel is pain...sadness...loss. Wrapped in a paper so thick, I suffocate from lack of oxygen? Is that to be my end? Suffocation? *Sighs.*

*Takes one last look outside before returning into the house.* Every day I must leave her. Every day I must deny the true me and put on my mask and parade around in this thing called life. On the stage called the world. I must put on a show so that nobody sees the real me. So that nobody can see who I am. Because the real me cannot be loved. The real me cannot be cared for. The real me is a shameful...useless...helpless...incapacitated little thing. That is who I am. I'm weak, selfish, and depressed. I'm lost, confused, and dazed. I'm a fake, and that is what I am. I seek not compassion...or...sympathy.

I only seek to be understood. And to be understood, one must get to know the real me. Even if that means me telling them that I think about suicide. Even if that means telling them I cut. Even if that means telling every dark little secret that I possess. I must in order to be accepted as me. I must confess to anything and everything...and once I do all that...I am abandoned. Left for dead. Because people can't handle the real me. They can't handle what they don't understand.

*Grabs memory book.* Look at all this crap that has already accumulated since I last burned the damn thing. Since I last said I wasn't going to live by the "book." LOOK AT IT!! It's a waste...*Opens to first page.* *Sees a picture of M.* *Slams book closed and lights it on fire with a match.* No more. NO MORE. I won't do it anymore. I will not live a life to suit everyone else but me. I will not live a life where I have to live up to everyone's expectations.

I'm sick of school. I will not deal with it anymore. I will strive to pass...but nothing more. I could care less if I receive high marks or low ones. I could care less if I understand the material in which I have been taught. I could care less whether I know how to do something or not. That's the joy of depression. That's the magic of it. I don't have to care.

Let me tell you a story.

There was a guy. He really liked this girl and they became good friends. Almost a year after they had met, the girl decides to ask the guy out. All is good and well, and then the inevitable happens. A break up. Because the guy knows the girl can't love him how he should be loved. Because the guy knows that the girl will turn on him if given the chance. The guy also knows that if the girl knew everything...that she would never accept him. So he breaks up with her. In doing so, the boy breaks his heart and hers. Things will never be the same between the girl and the guy. You see, once something is broken in life, super glue...not even duct tape, can pull it back together again. Once broken, always broken.

I think I'll end with a poem.

Scared and confused
Nothing left
Tear stained eyes
From when he wept

Back against the door
blade in hand
Ready to end it
Turn to sand

Crimson slashes
line his arm
killing himself slowly
inflicting harm

Back against the door
Mind in alarm
Blade against skin
Thriving in harm

Nothing left
complete dark
bright red slashes
on skin do they mark

Feeling alone
feeling depressed
Feeling a hatred
that will never be pressed

Needing a release
The blade digs into skin
Lost and alone
Seeking the end

Alone in tears
Depressed and dismayed
Once again ending
Another day

Until later...

-Joey