Beloved,

Haha...Andrew? Fuck you. :D I do NOT need you. *Sighs.* I'm glad it didn't work out...I knew it wouldn't from the beginning. We were COMPLETELY wrong for eachother. COMPLETELY!!!! EW. Lmao. I still love you as a friend...and I'm here if you need me. :)

I found out tonight that the literal LOVE of my life got jumped by some guys that didn't like him. I'm not completely sure of the circumstances...like...why they did it. Probably because of sexual preference. ANYWAYS, that's not the point. The beat him up. Omg. No, that is wrong. He's in the hospital and has been messaging me. He's okay but doesn't look so great. I ask that you keep him in your thoughts and pray for him if you pray. James, that shouldn't have happened to you. It should have been me. I wish ... I was there. I love you so much. You are like a god to me. Beautiful...mysterious...full of beauty and power. I love you so much.

Here's a poem that he wrote for me. I don't know if he wanted it publicized, but it was so sweet...I can't help it. If you want me to talk it down, baby, let me know. I love you...

Life and love are two weird things...
But I know for sure they are two of the most
important things I will ever give to you...
My life may be stopped short one day,
but my love for you will be endless.
Since the day I first talked to you,
My heart lept,
The more I got to know you,
The more I fell in love.
A few times my mind was uncertain,
But my heart pounded with joy with every message given.

My vow to you is to make you happy,
And as happy as you can be.
My vow to you is to show you love,
As much love as you'll let me show.
My vow to you is to show you life,
My life ready to be given for you at any moment.

I know one day, if may come to a sudden stop,
But remember there three things I say unto you:

The first is everlasting love, one that cannot be broken,
like energy, that courses through time and space.
It cannot be made, it cannot be destroyed.

The second is the promises made, are promises kept.
no matter the difficultly.
No matter the troubles.

The third is that you are the angel without wings,
My own love, pride and joy.
I love every wakeing moment with you.
I love every sleeping moment with you.

I'm gonna print this off and frame it. I love you JAMES!!! *Hugs and kisses you.*

Until later,

Joey

Beloved,

Well, I think I'll just write a poem off the top of my head and put into words what I'm feeling. I'm having a really hard time trying to figure this whole thing out. Was it my fault? I mean...did I say or do something wrong? Nobody thinks I did anything wrong...yet, I can't help but feel that be the case. *Sighs.* Please...let me know....please? Don't let me sit here in pain and wonder. I'll take whatever you give me. The phone...a letter...an e-mail or message...just...tell me what you want. So I can know if my heart was wasted...and I should move on with it's pieces...or if I should ask for your help to put it back together. I need...to know. I do...

I Need To Know
~Joey(me)

I need to know you love me...
I need to know you care...
I need to know you want me...
Even though it may not be fair...

Everything was fine...
Happy as could be...
Then out of the clear blue sky...
You go against what you said to me...

Moving way too fast...
Is only in the eye of the beholder...
Regardless what the spectators say...
Watch as our love smolders...

I really still want you...
I need you in my life...
I want you by my side...
What we have should not be wasted in strife...

You're a beautiful person...
Far to good for me...
Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up...
Through these tears I cannot see.

I love you so much, baby...
With you I always want to stay...
But these pains are just too much...
In my bed...crying...I lay...

So do you still want me?
Do you love me like you said?
Or was it all mistaken words...
Messing with my head...

If you want me to be gone...
Simply say, "Go."
I will leave you and get out of your life...
Say...and it shall be so...

-Joey

Beloved,

I said I loved you, Darling,
And gave you all my heart.
Yet you chose to leave our love behind,
You chose for us to part.

What else can I say, My Love?
I know this language well.
Was it the words of love I spoke?
Or was it the words I didn't tell?

For if that's the way I failed,
And you chose to leave that day --
I'm sorry, My Love . . .
What else can I say?

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Well, this is what a true friend does when his friends are down. My friend, Riyu, [Riyu Kaiden] that I met here wrote this poem for me about what he wanted for me. He's such a sweetheart. *Hugs Riyu.* Thank you so much....:)

I want you to be happy,
with all the stars shining down on you.
Not a shread of sadness should be thought of,
Or seen in the presense of your heart.
The shadow that dwells within you,
Should be washed away by the bright lights of love.
The forever trail leading to paradise,
Where you will live forever in peace.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

I've often wondered if the thing called "True Love" exist. I thought it did. I thought I found it. But alas, I'm wrong. Haha, god I'm so stupid. Also the phrase "Love at first sight." I thought that existed for a while too. GOOD GODDESS...I'm STUPID. Love doesn't exist. Nope, doesn't exist. Just a nice thing people say to get them through this miserable thing called life. No love...none...

-Joey

Beloved,

They say, "Friends don't let friends drive drunk." But when did the saying turn into, "Friends don't let friends determine how they feel about another person."??? My Goddess, FRIENDS SHOULDN'T DICTATE WHAT YOU FEEL FOR SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If that was my friend...they wouldn't be my friend anymore. Sad...it's really...sad...that you can't make your decisions on your own. You were FINE until you talked to her. And then outta no where...you essentially take everything you've said and turn it against me and take it back. Yeah...talk about feeling loved. I TOLD YOU THINGS I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE! I feel used. Not loved. I feel...like I'm not good enough. I never will be. This is why I avoid relationships and people...all they ever do is hurt you....*Sighs...* *Clings to pillow and sobs...*

-Joey

If only I could get into that corner of your head
Where things finally match, and meet the standards that you set
Oh, how I wish I was the treasure that you were lookin' for
Bet I would feel better, if only I could find the door

I am cryin'
You aren't tryin'
I am melting away

[chorus]
I wait for the words on the tip of your tounge
I'm only as good as the last one
Well you decide and I abide, as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Things are goin' crazy and I'm not sure who to blame
Everything is changing and I do not feel the same
I'm slippin' through the cracks of floors I thought that were strong
I'm tryin' to find a place where I can feel like I belong

Well, I am cryin'
You aren't tryin'
I am melting away

[chorus]

If I could be the lesson that you learn, you learn if only
I could be the last one that love burns, its burns...yeah
[2Xero]

If only I could get into that corner of your head
Where things finally match, and meet the standards that you set
Oh, how I wish I was the treasure that you were lookin' for
Bet I would feel better if I could find the door

Well, I am cryin'
You aren't tryin'
And I am melting away

[chorus]

Beloved,

There is no words to put how I feel at this time...Used? Hurt? Hated? Stupid? Wrong? Confused? I opened myself up...I did...it...again...and it all fired back in my face...ALL OF IT. "My friend thinks that we're moving too fast." Well, if you base your emotion on your fucking friend, then move on. Love shouldn't be about speed or what other people think. It should be about what feels right between two people. It should be untainted by the opinions of others. *Sighs.* Whatever. Here's a song that pretty much sums up how I feel....

I've been mistaken
You've swindled once again
Now there's no question
I-I was wrong

And now I stand alone
Just a dent in your throne
Your true colors shown
You don't belong

ooh

And now I'm lost
And now I run from you
And now I see
Just how I bleed from you
And all the lies, all the lies
How could I let you in
And now it's clear
I went along for the ride

ow

uh, uh, uh, ow

Hey, Mr. Merry Man
I know you'll come again
Til you find just what you're looking for

And if I'm your little lamb
Oh would you leave again
Oh no I bet you'd stay for more

And now I'm lost
And now I run from you
oh, and now I see
Just how I bleed from you
And all the lies, all the lies
How could I let you in
And now it's clear
I went along for the ride

And now I'm finding out
You were nothing 'bout
Oh, what I thought you were

And now I understand
Just how you work your plan
First you warm, and then you just burn

And now I'm lost
And now I run from you
oh, and now I see
Just how I bleed from you

oh, and all the lies, all the lies
how could I let you in
And now it's clear
I went along for the ride

And now I'll make my way
Through another day
I, cause I know better now
You'll drop another line
On someone else's time
But in me you still resound

And now I'm lost
And now I run from you
And now I see
Just how I bleed from you

oh, and all the lies, all the lies
How could I let you in
But now it's clear
I went along for the ride

ow

uh, uh, uh, ow

ow, ow

ow, ow

ow, ow

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean honestly...WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE TO BE BETRAYED? Am I not good enough....do I...smell funny? Do I look bad...? IS IT MY HAIR? Is it because I'm too caring...? Is it because I want to help people...or because I have a fucking sign over my head? GRRR. I don't get it. I just...want to be loved...needed...accepted for who I am...is that too much to ask? Honestly...is that what we all want?

*Sighs.* All I get is shit no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT...it doesn't matter. I get the vibe from Andrew that he just...doesn't ... I don't know. I'm so confused. Then there's dennis. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. I get told by Daniel that he can't love me forever. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? I don't get it ... I don't get it... I don't GET IT. Am I just STUPID? Maybe someone can explain this to me. No...they can't. Cuz nobody knows what I'm talking about.

"Joey, you have such a good life. You have a wonderful boyfriend, your attractive, smart, gentle and caring, loving and compassionate, you've found the religion that best suits you. You are doing great, you haven't cut in 9 weeks and you've stopped being anorexic. You must be doing really good."

Uh...no. Doesn't work that way. Sorry...Whatever I did...I'm sorry. God...I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't want things to mess up. I want to be happy. Not depressed. I want to be joyous...not sad. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR...Happiness? Probably......

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

All I have to say is....LAUGHING MY ASS OFF. This has got to be one of the funniest...most...fucked up nights...that has ever happened. It's fucking FUNNY. Lmao. *Sighs.* Oh well.

-Joey

Beloved,

Another poem about how I feel. God I hate this feeling. It sucks...

I am always running,
always trying to hide.
Forgetting what I've known,
as my emotions collide.

Happiness fades in and out
as contentment is never found.
The peace within me still does slip,
to sadness I am bound.

Forget me not sweet tenderness,
that once did fill my soul.
Replaced by anger dark as sin
is what makes my heart cold.

People can't stop asking,
what's ailing my troubled mind.
But when intentions are untrue,
kind, fake words become entwined.

If no one cares, then why should I?
Mine's just another face.
It doesn't matter what's going on,
I'm just another disgrace.

My very best friend's drifting,
he doesn't seem to care.
I was always by his side,
but I need him, and he's not there.

No one knows the pain I've felt,
the coldness that's made me numb.
I dislike the feelings that I have,
but they're what I have become.

A cooling blanket of shadowed doubt,
is now what keeps me warm.
Absorbed in all my blurry thoughts,
that's what's become the norm.

Depression is an addiction,
A caffeine of some kind,
It soaks through the skin and into the heart,
then finds the saddened mind.

-Joey

Beloved,

My current thoughts...not my own work, but very descriptive of how I feel...

Something must be wrong with me
with all this hurt inside,
always bursting with anger,
and never any pride.

Something must be wrong with me
if all I do is cry,
I can't stop this pain
all I want to do is die.

Something must be wrong with me
if my emotions run wild,
all this confusion does
is make me feel like a lost child.

Something must be wrong with me
with all these terrible things,
always there and never gone
depression is what it brings.

Something must be wrong with me
if I can't stop these thoughts,
all this pain does
is turn my stomach in knots.

Something is truly wrong with me
when I think there's only one way out,
"Let this pain end,"
is all my heart will shout.

-Joey

what i wanted to do was tell u a little tairy fale, or fairy tale, about a geautiful birl, beautiful girl, named rindercella, or cinderella. now i'll start out by saying, once upon a time in a coreign fountry, there lived a pransome hince in a cancy fastle who wanted to throw a bancy fall. *beep*, so he invited all the reople from piles around. that included rindercella, her mugly other and her three sad bisters. 2 of which were real ucking fugly. sho nit, one of them was so ucking fugly she had this great big wucking fart on her nucking fose. sho nit her face would mag a gaggot. so rindercella's getting all bancied up to go to the bancy fall, sull of a udden, rindercella's mugly other came in a said "ure got noing!" rindercella said, "yuck fou, i am!" mugly outher said, "ure nucking fot! u got too much ducking firt to do around the sucking fouse now bet gusy!" rindercella said, "ure crucking fazy!" i ducking fone it this morning!" mugly other said, "no u ducking fidnt, look under the tucking fable, look at all that ducking fust!" rindercella look one took and said, "smoly hokes!ure rucking fight! the whole floors all dirty!" and they left her all alone sy her belf. but there's only one prucking foblem. what they didnt know was that rindercella, had a gairy fodmother, who had a wagic mond. *laughs* u wouldnt bucking felieve what hucking fappens next. so rindercella's at home, shes fleeping the swoor like crucking fazy. sull of an udden from the roner of the croom *poof* rindercella look one took and said "fho the huck are u? smoly hokes do u ever look stucking fupid! u got a crancy frown, a wagic mond and a drancy fess... fho the huck are u?" gairy fodmother said, "im ure gairy fodmother, and i heard u wanted to go to the bancy fall to meet the pransome hince in the cancy fastle," rindercella said, "ure rucking fight i ducking fo! but fow the huck can i gucking fo wearing these rucking fags?" gairy fodmother said, "pro noblem. in my possesion geautiful birl i have a wagic mond and all i have to do is wave this wagic mond and i'll turn those rucking fags into a drancy fess." rindercella said, "ure on drucking fugs!" gairy fodmother said, "no wucking fay, wucking fatch. *sings* alakazoom a magic is brewn, a bibbity bobbity boo!" *snap* smoly hokes! she ducking fone it! turn those rucking fags into a drancy fess! rindercella said, "too mucking futch! can i gucking fo now?" gairy fodmother said, "geautiful birl, how can u be so stuking fupid? look one took outside, its raining dats and cogs, ull get ure drancy fess so ducking firty in the mucking fud!"

Beloved,

"Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another - possibly, you made one tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't commit. In any case, you are faithless and joyless. You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most days are a burden and you wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching picture. You are the one that few understand. Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain. You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. You are hard on yourself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite your tainted nature, your soul is breathtakingly beautiful."

Thanks to [Keseken] for writing this...even though it may not have applied to me. I find it fits me perfectly. :)

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

I just ... had to say something. I can't...not say something. *Sighs.* I guess that's just me. I think I fucked up today with Dennis. Fucked up big time. Why am I so fucking stupid? GRR. Dennis, if you read this, I'm so sorry. Please...give me a second chance? I love you....

On another note, I'm finding it EXTREMELY difficult to just...say goodbye and let go of Brett. But, I know that I must. I know that I have to move on. Him and I are no longer on the same page. We don't exist in the same world. Yes, I've had good times with him. Hell, the best times I've ever had, to be honest. But, I don't want to hurt anymore.

I refuse to open myself up. I refuse to give people the headstart in stabbing me in the back and leaving me to die. I refuse to be weak...and vulnerable. Not anymore. Never again.

These poems, are not my own, but I will be writing some shortly. I got them from...??? I don't remember. But they describe what I'm dealing with in trying to say goodbye to Brett. It's so fucking hard. But, I am a strong person. I will prevail. So watch me shine....

Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.
I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.
Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.
The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.
If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.
I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.
You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.

I never thought I'd see this day,
I never thought I'd feel this way,
You...a stranger to me now.
I'm left with emptiness...
I wish I knew how it could be,
That we were once so open and free.
You were like my brother.. yet so much more
I wish I would have seen what I see now before.
For, I did not and it's too late...
My friend, my lover once, is now unknown.
And what hurts the most is I now know..
What I lost.. and I'm alone.
To face a challenge life has sent,
And not a moment with you I've spent.
I hope one day I can forgive you, my friend..
I miss you....
Why did you go?

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* *Shifts weight uneasily in chair.* I'm so...so confused right now. The whole "Mixed" part of my bi-polar is fucking with me again. Today, I met some of the nicest guys in my life. It's crazy. People that I really loved...that I really cared about. People...that loved me, too. And I knew it. I didn't have to question it...I knew that they loved me. I was smiling so much. I couldn't stop smiling. Dennis is the sweetest person I've ever met. He is really a great guy, and I look forward to getting to know him better. Love you, Dennis.

Then on the other hand, we have Brett. I don't know what the fuck to do about him. When I got back from my trip, I was so...happy to talk to him. I had written him EVERY night while I was gone...sometimes twice a day, and I was very dedicated. I mean, I have NEVER been that dedicated to someone. It's crazy. So, I got home, expecting him to say that he loved me and that he missed me. And guess what he said...? NONE of the above. In fact, I didn't even get an "I'm sorry about your grandpa" outta him. How fuckin' sick is that? I mean honestly? *Sighs.* It pisses me off more than...grr. I just don't want to talk about it. I got the worst fucking vibe possible from him...and it hit...hard. So now, I'm left with the repurcussions of his actions, and the ones that I've made tonight. Maybe, I was the one to make a mistake. But I don't think so. So, *Shrugs.* Who gives a fuck?

So, now backed to the whole "mixed" thing. I have this overwhelming feeling of happiness. So overwhelming it almost had me in tears earlier. I have NEVER been that happy. And then, on the other side of my mood disorder, I have this overpowering burden of sadness and anger. I hate having bi-polar disorder. The fucking medication doesn't work. Grr. But ya know what? I don't care. That's the magic of it, I don't have to care. I don't GIVE A FUCK. ASK ME IF I CARE? Go on, ask me. See what kind of response you get...

Well, nothing really left to say...*shrugs*...Dennis, if you read this, I love you. *Hugs.* I'll talk to you later, hopefully. :) Brett, I don't know if you read this anymore or not, but if you do, now you know the problem. It's up to you to fix it. It's gonna be tough. Cuz yeah, you fucked up. And in my opinion, big time. More than even when you didn't call me. So...yeah. You played my emotions. And that's just something I don't tolerate.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Just have to put this song in my diary. Thank you, Daniel, for sending it to me. It's already a favorite of mine. It has a kick ass beat. And the lyrics are great. Love you so much. *Hugs.*

Poison by Groove Coverage

You're cruel device
Your blood like ice
One look could kill
My pain your thrill

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

You're poison running through my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Your mouth so hot
Your web I'm caught
Your skin so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running trough my veins

You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Running deep inside my veins
Poison burning deep inside my veins
One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running trough my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Poison

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running trough my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Poison

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Below are some quotes and uhm...sayings, I guess, that I pirated from my sister. Hehe...love you, Tubs. :) ANYWAYS, I like them...I doubt anyone else will, but they've helped me to feel better when I was depressed about not being able to find the right person. SO...here they are...:D

♥ "I may not get to see you as often as I'd like. I may not get to hold you in my arms every night. But no matter what I do, I know it's true, I'm in love with you."


~*You can't fall in love with someone if you are already in love with someone else*~

There's always gonna be that one person.your heart jumps when you see them u could talk to them forever, and when you hear their voice you fall in love all over again...but you never want to give up on them!!


*A girl asked a guy if she was pretty, he said no. She asked him if he wanted her, he said no. She asked him if she left would he cry, he said no. She turned to leave, he grabbed her arm and said..you're not pretty; you're beautiful. And I don't want you; I need you. And I wouldn't cry if you left; I would die*


if dreams weren't dreams, and dreams come true, i wouldn't be here i'd be with you, distance is one thing that keeps us apart but you will always remain in my heart!


you know you've found the right person when you have a smile on your face and in your heart as well


Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamt of you..I wish that someday I'd dream bout my pillow and I'd be hugging you.♥

Until Later,

-Joey

Beloved,

I sit alone
in a dark theatre,
watching the people go by,
hand in hand,
everybody but me.
Oh....

I stay behind,
watching the credits roll by
roll, roll, roll, right right by me.

Chorus:
I know, I won't cry,
'cause there is somebody, somebody, somebody,
waiting for me out in the rain.
Won't cry, not tonight,
'cause there is somebody waiting for me.
oooooh yeah....

I take a walk,
the streets are busy tonight,
and I am searching for you,
waiting to brush your shoulder.
But I'm alone,
I watch the faces roll by,
roll, roll, roll, right by me.

Chorus

How many words will go unspoken?
'Til I hear knocking upon my door.
I need some talkin, the nights I spent heartbroken
But tonight I am going home,
I won't cry no more.

I lie awake, I left the porch light on,
I hope it helps you find your way.
Outside, I hear the thunder roll by.
Roll, roll, roll right by me

Chorus.

Not going to cry tonight.
No, no, no, no!
Oh yeah,
not going to cry,
not tonight,
there is somebody waiting for me.

I stay behind, watching the credits roll by,
roll, roll, roll right by me.


*Sighs.* I'm really quite depressed right now. I KNOW that there is someone out there for me...I just don't think I'll ever find them. That person eludes me somehow. And when I think I've found the one, they aren't it. It's really quite heartbreaking. It hurts so much...

I want to hold that person...hug that person...kiss that person...cuddle. I just want a loving...caring relationship...is that too much to ask for? I mean honestly, don't I deserve it after all the shit I've been through? *Sighs.* *Begins to cry...*

I guess not...

-Joey

Beloved,

I don't care if it's hurt, I Want to have control, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul,
I want you to notice, When I'm not around. You're so fucking special, I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo, what the hell i'm doing here? I don't belong here, I don't belong here.

Sorry, I cant be perfect.

Thank you Linda for writing this. I can't remember what your name on elftown is, but when I figure it out, I'll post it. Hehe. If you see this, give me a holler...:)

I love you, Daniel...:)

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

*Sings.* Goodbye to you...Goodbye to everything...that I knew...

Just wanted to post some closure...Losing a best friend is hard...but...it's probably for the best. I don't deserve friends...I don't deserve love...or relationships...I'm worthless...useless...and utterly alone. But I can live with that. I can...and I will. *Sighs.*

As a side note...I love you, Daniel...:) Thanks for being there...You're an amazing guy...:D

And that is all for now!

Until later,

-Joey