Beloved,

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

And now on to the mushy love stuff...heh...

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.

Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.

When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love


Okay...that's all for now. I love you James....

-Joey

Beloved,

YAY IT'S A SIN TO BE HONEST!!! WOOT WOOT. I told a guy I liked him liked him. I didn't say I was gonna hit on him. I didn't say I was gonna try and date him. I DIDN'T SAY ANY OF THIS. 'sides, HE'S STRAIGHT. Definately not my thing. But yeah.

I'm being accused of trying to break him and his gf up. Lmao. What? Let me think back to this...ah yes, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO THAT IS KYLIE AND BRANDON. I had nothing to do with it. Nothing. But ya know, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Be a backstabbing idiot. I don't care. Fuck you. Glad I didn't have to get to know you any better and open myself up where you could have hurt me more.

But I must say...you DID hurt me. You...claimed to be my friend and then you do this? Wow...REAL friendlike. I believe that friends are there for eachother. They don't turn on one another...I never said any such thing. And if you're gonna believe a stupid fat lying guy and his little mind controlling bitch...by all means. I hope you're miserable. Cuz you're just gonna get used.

-Joey

Beloved,

I sit alone
in a dark theatre,
watching the people go by,
hand in hand,
everybody but me.
Oh....

I stay behind,
watching the credits roll by
roll, roll, roll, right right by me.

Chorus:
I know, I won't cry,
'cause there is somebody, somebody, somebody,
waiting for me out in the rain.
Won't cry, not tonight,
'cause there is somebody waiting for me.
oooooh yeah....

I take a walk,
the streets are busy tonight,
and I am searching for you,
waiting to brush your shoulder.
But I'm alone,
I watch the faces roll by,
roll, roll, roll, right by me.

Chorus

How many words will go unspoken?
'Til I hear knocking upon my door.
I need some talkin, the nights I spent heartbroken
But tonight I am going home,
I won't cry no more.

I lie awake, I left the porch light on,
I hope it helps you find your way.
Outside, I hear the thunder roll by.
Roll, roll, roll right by me

Chorus.

Not going to cry tonight.
No, no, no, no!
Oh yeah,
not going to cry,
not tonight,
there is somebody waiting for me.

I stay behind, watching the credits roll by,
roll, roll, roll right by me.

-Joey

Beloved,

Lmao. LMAO. God, I knew it. I fucking knew it. I'm psychic....I swear I'm psychic. I have to be. There is NO other explanation. I talked to Pat on the phone last night. Everything was great. Then today...*Shrugs.* Well, let's just say I have no CLUE to what happened. But outta no where he ends his relationship with me on ET and then he's over at Brandon's house. Two faced? Lying? Bastard? Piece of shit? I think all of these apply.

You fucker. You said you'd never leave me. You said you'd never let anyone hurt me. You said *Sighs.* You hurt me. I'm so glad I didn't trust you with everything. Cuz you woulda stabbed me in the back even deeper. I LOVED YOU!!! I CARED ABOUT YOU!!! And what do I get in return? That's garbage. *Sighs.* Oh well. I can handle being alone. I can handle it. I've done it before, I can DO IT AGAIN. It's no big deal for me. Just remember that what comes around goes around. You'll pay for what you did to me. And I'll make sure your sentence gets carried out.

MOVING ON. Nobody...and I repeat NOBODY is calling me ever again. Because I told Pat before he called that he'd talk to me on the phone once, and then he'd never talk to me again. "That'll never happen...you're my friend." Oh yeah? You did it, asshole. Friend? You DO NOT treat friends like that. But I don't care....lalalalalalala...That's the magic of it, I don't have to care. Go to hell, you piece of shit. You even blocked me on msn. What kind of SHIT is that? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU!!!!

*Cries.* I'm not good enough...for anyone. I'm...not...go-good enough...for anyone....

-Joey

Beloved,

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With no where to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

It’s my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this thursday
Twenty-two years ago
And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Oh am I just a kid who knows he’s needy?

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

*Sighs.* What's wrong with me...honestly? Am I so bad...? So horrible? I know...I'M A 40 YEAR OLD FAT MAN STALKER WHO'S GONNA FUCKIN' RAPE YOU IF YOU GIVE ME PERSONAL INFORMATION. right...*Rolls eyes.* Whatever...

Often times...in times of stress...I've wondered if I could abstain from cutting. I've went so long without it...and I wonder now if I can keep that up. I don't think that I can. I don't think it's possible. But then maybe it is. I want to do so much more to myself then just have the metal kiss my arm...I want to go deeper...into the veins...I want to watch my life drain out of me...

-Joey

Beloved,

So much has happened in the last two days. Wow. So much. *Sighs.* I'm not going to go into detail about everything just yet. I don't...feel up to it. But let's just say a lot of crap has went down. Yeah...a LOT.

I just wanted to let James know that I love him and have been thinking about him. My altar, babe, is decorated in green. Lol. I have four green candles lit, a green incense burning...green altar cloth. GREEN EVERYTHING...just for you. So that the Goddess knows how important you are to me. *Sighs.* You are such a sweetie. I love you so much, babe. *Hugs and kisses you gently.*

That's all for now...

-Joey

Beloved,

Haha...Andrew? Fuck you. :D I do NOT need you. *Sighs.* I'm glad it didn't work out...I knew it wouldn't from the beginning. We were COMPLETELY wrong for eachother. COMPLETELY!!!! EW. Lmao. I still love you as a friend...and I'm here if you need me. :)

I found out tonight that the literal LOVE of my life got jumped by some guys that didn't like him. I'm not completely sure of the circumstances...like...why they did it. Probably because of sexual preference. ANYWAYS, that's not the point. The beat him up. Omg. No, that is wrong. He's in the hospital and has been messaging me. He's okay but doesn't look so great. I ask that you keep him in your thoughts and pray for him if you pray. James, that shouldn't have happened to you. It should have been me. I wish ... I was there. I love you so much. You are like a god to me. Beautiful...mysterious...full of beauty and power. I love you so much.

Here's a poem that he wrote for me. I don't know if he wanted it publicized, but it was so sweet...I can't help it. If you want me to talk it down, baby, let me know. I love you...

Life and love are two weird things...
But I know for sure they are two of the most
important things I will ever give to you...
My life may be stopped short one day,
but my love for you will be endless.
Since the day I first talked to you,
My heart lept,
The more I got to know you,
The more I fell in love.
A few times my mind was uncertain,
But my heart pounded with joy with every message given.

My vow to you is to make you happy,
And as happy as you can be.
My vow to you is to show you love,
As much love as you'll let me show.
My vow to you is to show you life,
My life ready to be given for you at any moment.

I know one day, if may come to a sudden stop,
But remember there three things I say unto you:

The first is everlasting love, one that cannot be broken,
like energy, that courses through time and space.
It cannot be made, it cannot be destroyed.

The second is the promises made, are promises kept.
no matter the difficultly.
No matter the troubles.

The third is that you are the angel without wings,
My own love, pride and joy.
I love every wakeing moment with you.
I love every sleeping moment with you.

I'm gonna print this off and frame it. I love you JAMES!!! *Hugs and kisses you.*

Until later,

Joey

Beloved,

Well, I think I'll just write a poem off the top of my head and put into words what I'm feeling. I'm having a really hard time trying to figure this whole thing out. Was it my fault? I mean...did I say or do something wrong? Nobody thinks I did anything wrong...yet, I can't help but feel that be the case. *Sighs.* Please...let me know....please? Don't let me sit here in pain and wonder. I'll take whatever you give me. The phone...a letter...an e-mail or message...just...tell me what you want. So I can know if my heart was wasted...and I should move on with it's pieces...or if I should ask for your help to put it back together. I need...to know. I do...

I Need To Know
~Joey(me)

I need to know you love me...
I need to know you care...
I need to know you want me...
Even though it may not be fair...

Everything was fine...
Happy as could be...
Then out of the clear blue sky...
You go against what you said to me...

Moving way too fast...
Is only in the eye of the beholder...
Regardless what the spectators say...
Watch as our love smolders...

I really still want you...
I need you in my life...
I want you by my side...
What we have should not be wasted in strife...

You're a beautiful person...
Far to good for me...
Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up...
Through these tears I cannot see.

I love you so much, baby...
With you I always want to stay...
But these pains are just too much...
In my bed...crying...I lay...

So do you still want me?
Do you love me like you said?
Or was it all mistaken words...
Messing with my head...

If you want me to be gone...
Simply say, "Go."
I will leave you and get out of your life...
Say...and it shall be so...

-Joey

Beloved,

I said I loved you, Darling,
And gave you all my heart.
Yet you chose to leave our love behind,
You chose for us to part.

What else can I say, My Love?
I know this language well.
Was it the words of love I spoke?
Or was it the words I didn't tell?

For if that's the way I failed,
And you chose to leave that day --
I'm sorry, My Love . . .
What else can I say?

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Well, this is what a true friend does when his friends are down. My friend, Riyu, [Riyu Kaiden] that I met here wrote this poem for me about what he wanted for me. He's such a sweetheart. *Hugs Riyu.* Thank you so much....:)

I want you to be happy,
with all the stars shining down on you.
Not a shread of sadness should be thought of,
Or seen in the presense of your heart.
The shadow that dwells within you,
Should be washed away by the bright lights of love.
The forever trail leading to paradise,
Where you will live forever in peace.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

I've often wondered if the thing called "True Love" exist. I thought it did. I thought I found it. But alas, I'm wrong. Haha, god I'm so stupid. Also the phrase "Love at first sight." I thought that existed for a while too. GOOD GODDESS...I'm STUPID. Love doesn't exist. Nope, doesn't exist. Just a nice thing people say to get them through this miserable thing called life. No love...none...

-Joey

Beloved,

They say, "Friends don't let friends drive drunk." But when did the saying turn into, "Friends don't let friends determine how they feel about another person."??? My Goddess, FRIENDS SHOULDN'T DICTATE WHAT YOU FEEL FOR SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If that was my friend...they wouldn't be my friend anymore. Sad...it's really...sad...that you can't make your decisions on your own. You were FINE until you talked to her. And then outta no where...you essentially take everything you've said and turn it against me and take it back. Yeah...talk about feeling loved. I TOLD YOU THINGS I'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE! I feel used. Not loved. I feel...like I'm not good enough. I never will be. This is why I avoid relationships and people...all they ever do is hurt you....*Sighs...* *Clings to pillow and sobs...*

-Joey

If only I could get into that corner of your head
Where things finally match, and meet the standards that you set
Oh, how I wish I was the treasure that you were lookin' for
Bet I would feel better, if only I could find the door

I am cryin'
You aren't tryin'
I am melting away

[chorus]
I wait for the words on the tip of your tounge
I'm only as good as the last one
Well you decide and I abide, as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Things are goin' crazy and I'm not sure who to blame
Everything is changing and I do not feel the same
I'm slippin' through the cracks of floors I thought that were strong
I'm tryin' to find a place where I can feel like I belong

Well, I am cryin'
You aren't tryin'
I am melting away

[chorus]

If I could be the lesson that you learn, you learn if only
I could be the last one that love burns, its burns...yeah
[2Xero]

If only I could get into that corner of your head
Where things finally match, and meet the standards that you set
Oh, how I wish I was the treasure that you were lookin' for
Bet I would feel better if I could find the door

Well, I am cryin'
You aren't tryin'
And I am melting away

[chorus]

Beloved,

There is no words to put how I feel at this time...Used? Hurt? Hated? Stupid? Wrong? Confused? I opened myself up...I did...it...again...and it all fired back in my face...ALL OF IT. "My friend thinks that we're moving too fast." Well, if you base your emotion on your fucking friend, then move on. Love shouldn't be about speed or what other people think. It should be about what feels right between two people. It should be untainted by the opinions of others. *Sighs.* Whatever. Here's a song that pretty much sums up how I feel....

I've been mistaken
You've swindled once again
Now there's no question
I-I was wrong

And now I stand alone
Just a dent in your throne
Your true colors shown
You don't belong

ooh

And now I'm lost
And now I run from you
And now I see
Just how I bleed from you
And all the lies, all the lies
How could I let you in
And now it's clear
I went along for the ride

ow

uh, uh, uh, ow

Hey, Mr. Merry Man
I know you'll come again
Til you find just what you're looking for

And if I'm your little lamb
Oh would you leave again
Oh no I bet you'd stay for more

And now I'm lost
And now I run from you
oh, and now I see
Just how I bleed from you
And all the lies, all the lies
How could I let you in
And now it's clear
I went along for the ride

And now I'm finding out
You were nothing 'bout
Oh, what I thought you were

And now I understand
Just how you work your plan
First you warm, and then you just burn

And now I'm lost
And now I run from you
oh, and now I see
Just how I bleed from you

oh, and all the lies, all the lies
how could I let you in
And now it's clear
I went along for the ride

And now I'll make my way
Through another day
I, cause I know better now
You'll drop another line
On someone else's time
But in me you still resound

And now I'm lost
And now I run from you
And now I see
Just how I bleed from you

oh, and all the lies, all the lies
How could I let you in
But now it's clear
I went along for the ride

ow

uh, uh, uh, ow

ow, ow

ow, ow

ow, ow

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean honestly...WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE TO BE BETRAYED? Am I not good enough....do I...smell funny? Do I look bad...? IS IT MY HAIR? Is it because I'm too caring...? Is it because I want to help people...or because I have a fucking sign over my head? GRRR. I don't get it. I just...want to be loved...needed...accepted for who I am...is that too much to ask? Honestly...is that what we all want?

*Sighs.* All I get is shit no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT...it doesn't matter. I get the vibe from Andrew that he just...doesn't ... I don't know. I'm so confused. Then there's dennis. He doesn't even talk to me anymore. I get told by Daniel that he can't love me forever. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? I don't get it ... I don't get it... I don't GET IT. Am I just STUPID? Maybe someone can explain this to me. No...they can't. Cuz nobody knows what I'm talking about.

"Joey, you have such a good life. You have a wonderful boyfriend, your attractive, smart, gentle and caring, loving and compassionate, you've found the religion that best suits you. You are doing great, you haven't cut in 9 weeks and you've stopped being anorexic. You must be doing really good."

Uh...no. Doesn't work that way. Sorry...Whatever I did...I'm sorry. God...I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't want things to mess up. I want to be happy. Not depressed. I want to be joyous...not sad. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR...Happiness? Probably......

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

All I have to say is....LAUGHING MY ASS OFF. This has got to be one of the funniest...most...fucked up nights...that has ever happened. It's fucking FUNNY. Lmao. *Sighs.* Oh well.

-Joey

Beloved,

Another poem about how I feel. God I hate this feeling. It sucks...

I am always running,
always trying to hide.
Forgetting what I've known,
as my emotions collide.

Happiness fades in and out
as contentment is never found.
The peace within me still does slip,
to sadness I am bound.

Forget me not sweet tenderness,
that once did fill my soul.
Replaced by anger dark as sin
is what makes my heart cold.

People can't stop asking,
what's ailing my troubled mind.
But when intentions are untrue,
kind, fake words become entwined.

If no one cares, then why should I?
Mine's just another face.
It doesn't matter what's going on,
I'm just another disgrace.

My very best friend's drifting,
he doesn't seem to care.
I was always by his side,
but I need him, and he's not there.

No one knows the pain I've felt,
the coldness that's made me numb.
I dislike the feelings that I have,
but they're what I have become.

A cooling blanket of shadowed doubt,
is now what keeps me warm.
Absorbed in all my blurry thoughts,
that's what's become the norm.

Depression is an addiction,
A caffeine of some kind,
It soaks through the skin and into the heart,
then finds the saddened mind.

-Joey

Beloved,

My current thoughts...not my own work, but very descriptive of how I feel...

Something must be wrong with me
with all this hurt inside,
always bursting with anger,
and never any pride.

Something must be wrong with me
if all I do is cry,
I can't stop this pain
all I want to do is die.

Something must be wrong with me
if my emotions run wild,
all this confusion does
is make me feel like a lost child.

Something must be wrong with me
with all these terrible things,
always there and never gone
depression is what it brings.

Something must be wrong with me
if I can't stop these thoughts,
all this pain does
is turn my stomach in knots.

Something is truly wrong with me
when I think there's only one way out,
"Let this pain end,"
is all my heart will shout.

-Joey

what i wanted to do was tell u a little tairy fale, or fairy tale, about a geautiful birl, beautiful girl, named rindercella, or cinderella. now i'll start out by saying, once upon a time in a coreign fountry, there lived a pransome hince in a cancy fastle who wanted to throw a bancy fall. *beep*, so he invited all the reople from piles around. that included rindercella, her mugly other and her three sad bisters. 2 of which were real ucking fugly. sho nit, one of them was so ucking fugly she had this great big wucking fart on her nucking fose. sho nit her face would mag a gaggot. so rindercella's getting all bancied up to go to the bancy fall, sull of a udden, rindercella's mugly other came in a said "ure got noing!" rindercella said, "yuck fou, i am!" mugly outher said, "ure nucking fot! u got too much ducking firt to do around the sucking fouse now bet gusy!" rindercella said, "ure crucking fazy!" i ducking fone it this morning!" mugly other said, "no u ducking fidnt, look under the tucking fable, look at all that ducking fust!" rindercella look one took and said, "smoly hokes!ure rucking fight! the whole floors all dirty!" and they left her all alone sy her belf. but there's only one prucking foblem. what they didnt know was that rindercella, had a gairy fodmother, who had a wagic mond. *laughs* u wouldnt bucking felieve what hucking fappens next. so rindercella's at home, shes fleeping the swoor like crucking fazy. sull of an udden from the roner of the croom *poof* rindercella look one took and said "fho the huck are u? smoly hokes do u ever look stucking fupid! u got a crancy frown, a wagic mond and a drancy fess... fho the huck are u?" gairy fodmother said, "im ure gairy fodmother, and i heard u wanted to go to the bancy fall to meet the pransome hince in the cancy fastle," rindercella said, "ure rucking fight i ducking fo! but fow the huck can i gucking fo wearing these rucking fags?" gairy fodmother said, "pro noblem. in my possesion geautiful birl i have a wagic mond and all i have to do is wave this wagic mond and i'll turn those rucking fags into a drancy fess." rindercella said, "ure on drucking fugs!" gairy fodmother said, "no wucking fay, wucking fatch. *sings* alakazoom a magic is brewn, a bibbity bobbity boo!" *snap* smoly hokes! she ducking fone it! turn those rucking fags into a drancy fess! rindercella said, "too mucking futch! can i gucking fo now?" gairy fodmother said, "geautiful birl, how can u be so stuking fupid? look one took outside, its raining dats and cogs, ull get ure drancy fess so ducking firty in the mucking fud!"

Beloved,

"Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for one reason or another - possibly, you made one tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't commit. In any case, you are faithless and joyless. You find no happiness, love, or acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most days are a burden and you wonder when the hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching picture. You are the one that few understand. Those that do know you are likely to love you deeply and wish that they could do something to ease your pain. You are constantly living in memories of better times and a better world. You are hard on yourself and self-critical or self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved, you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite your tainted nature, your soul is breathtakingly beautiful."

Thanks to [Keseken] for writing this...even though it may not have applied to me. I find it fits me perfectly. :)

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

I just ... had to say something. I can't...not say something. *Sighs.* I guess that's just me. I think I fucked up today with Dennis. Fucked up big time. Why am I so fucking stupid? GRR. Dennis, if you read this, I'm so sorry. Please...give me a second chance? I love you....

On another note, I'm finding it EXTREMELY difficult to just...say goodbye and let go of Brett. But, I know that I must. I know that I have to move on. Him and I are no longer on the same page. We don't exist in the same world. Yes, I've had good times with him. Hell, the best times I've ever had, to be honest. But, I don't want to hurt anymore.

I refuse to open myself up. I refuse to give people the headstart in stabbing me in the back and leaving me to die. I refuse to be weak...and vulnerable. Not anymore. Never again.

These poems, are not my own, but I will be writing some shortly. I got them from...??? I don't remember. But they describe what I'm dealing with in trying to say goodbye to Brett. It's so fucking hard. But, I am a strong person. I will prevail. So watch me shine....

Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.
I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.
Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.
The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.
If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.
I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.
You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.

I never thought I'd see this day,
I never thought I'd feel this way,
You...a stranger to me now.
I'm left with emptiness...
I wish I knew how it could be,
That we were once so open and free.
You were like my brother.. yet so much more
I wish I would have seen what I see now before.
For, I did not and it's too late...
My friend, my lover once, is now unknown.
And what hurts the most is I now know..
What I lost.. and I'm alone.
To face a challenge life has sent,
And not a moment with you I've spent.
I hope one day I can forgive you, my friend..
I miss you....
Why did you go?

Until later,

-Joey