Beloved,

[{Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on them, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the one who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in fron of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "... that's her."}]

I found that on Mik's diary. The cool thing? That guy does exist...for me anyways. That guy is Mathew. I love him so much. He is my everything. It's great. Omg...he can make me laugh...when no one else could. When I'm talking to him...everything seems so far away. He's always there when I need him...always. *Weak grin.* He is the sweetest and most compassionate person I've ever met...and I love him. He is my everything.

I LOVE YOU MATTY!

Let's see...what else is happening in my life? Oh..MATTY I'LL BE THERE IN TWO MONTHS. :D I'm gone. Goodbye Ashland...goodbye Kansas. YAY. I'm so sick of this shit hole.

My fuckin' step dad is a fucking moron. I can't stand him. He fuckin' makes me feel like I'm NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. He's always told me..."No one will ever want to be with you...you're not good enough...you never will be. You're useless and lazy. No one will ever love you...no one will ever stay with you..."

Well...MATTY...has completely thrown that theory out the window. I'm good enough for him. He wants me. He loves me...he needs me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks...that I'm perfect...and I wish I could put into words what I feel for him. But the feeligns are indescribable. He...is amazing. And I've never had someone so perfect for me.

"Love isn't about finding the perfect person...it's about fiding the imperfect person...perfect."

Amen. Matt...I love you...you are mine...and I am yours. You will always have my heart. I just must ask you to be gentle. As it's been destroyed so many times. I know you'll cherish and keep it safe.

He sent me a package! Lmao. I'm not 100% sure what's all in there...but I know it has a pair of his boxers...and a wife beater sprayed in his cologne. YAY. And incense and CD's. Plus some stuff he cherishes. I can't wait to get it. Should be here tomorrow.

Matty, thank you for making me happy. Thank you for being there. Thank you for loving me when no one else would. Thank you for making me feel beautiful. Thank you for always making me smile...and feel...how...it's meant to feel when you're in love.

Until later,

-Joey (The Future Joey Maddon :D)

Beloved,

When I say I love you I do
But this with you will not do
I need someone I can lean on
Someone I can count on too

Yes you are there sometimes
For that I am grateful to you
But I need someone there full time
And that you can not do

You told me once you loved me
That I could believe in you
I was there when you needed someone
Where were you when I needed someone, too?

The time has come for me to let go
Never to expect you to care again
People may come and people may go
But my love will never end

*Sighs...walks off...sits in the corner alone...scared...tear-ied eyes...*

-Joey

Beloved,

This is to Matty [Demonic Child K] God, I love you so much. :) You mean the world to me. *Hugs you tightly.*

Beloved,

LMAO. Omg that's great. GREAT GREAT GREAT. LMAO!!!! Haha, fuck you too, bitch. :D

Beloved,

ET is a great place. Lmao...

"Sticks and stone may break my bones but whips and chains excite me, so tie me up chain me down and show how much you like me...."

LMAO. Jeez. Haha, I find the most amusing things here. Things that really just crack me up for no apparent reason. Then again, we all know that I'm the stupid one. So maybe it's just me ;)

-Jojo

Beloved,

Once again, I get my hopes up. Once again, I'm utterly destroyed. Once again, my heart opens up and lets one in. Once again, my heart is ripped from my chest...thrown in a blender...and then handed back as a shake. Often times I wonder...if there is a sign above my head. *Sighs.* Am I cursed to repeat this fate over and over and over again? I want James...so bad. But he won't let me have him. He reserves part of him back because of an incident. He holds back my means of contacting him because of the past. What is in the past is in the past. You must learn to say goodbye to yesterday...and open up...and trust. For if you do not, you will never have what you want...If I lived on past incidents I'd be dead. And if not dead, I'd be a person who never talked to anyone. A person who never trusted anyone. A person who never opened up to anyone...for fear of being hurt like I have been in the past.

My life hasn't been peachy. It hasn't been a huge walk in the park. IT'S NOT EASY. *Sighs.* My earliest memories...are of my mother...being beaten. Fists pounding in her face...hair being ripped out... scars...blood...bruises...*Sniffles.* I remember running up to my dad and hitting his leg with my little fists because I was on 2 or 3...and saying "No daddy...no!! don't hurt mommy..." *Cries.*

I am so scared to meet new people. I am so scared to open up. I'm so scared to do any of that. I've been used...over and over again. I'm a ragdoll...one for the world. And frankly, I'm tired of it. But I can't stand up for myself. .. So, I sit alone...by myself with no one else around. *Sighs.*

I want James...I need James. He's the one and I know it. But he doesn't understand that what he considers ridiculous is...important to me. It's like my ideas...my things that I hold important to my life...don't matter. *Sighs again...sits down.*

In the quietness of the moment
I wonder how you are;
We may be far apart in distance
But from my thoughts you are never far.

I don't know what tomorrow holds
The future I cannot see;
So I will take today for what it is worth
And be glad that you love me.

Tomorrow does not stand apart
a shiny brand new day;
It is the tapestry we weave
Made up of yesterdays.

Thank you for sharing with me
A portion of yourself;
I know you will never be mine
But the part you have given to me
Will never belong to anyone else.

So I will try to live my life
Separated by the two;
Doing the things I am supposed to do
And yet always loving you.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

The sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin easily. I'm numb to the pain,numb to the blood, too numb to realize what's happening, to realize what i'm doing. One cut follows another and another 'till I can't stop. Blood drips down my arm, tears roll down my cheeks. What have I done? All I can do is watch my own blood spill. Spill down my body. Gentle drips on the floor, funny, I can so calmly watch my life flow out of me from my veins. I feel cold, I feel hot, I feel and I want more. My razor is invisble, only red is in vision now. Red Warm Love Splatters on the cool floor. Slashes, countless crimson slashes. The razor falls from my hand. Clinks to the floor. I fall with it, curl up and wait. I won't be forsaken this time.

-Joey

Beloved,

La la la LA...WHERE...is my razor...WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE?! I need Bob tonight. He's the only one who's always been there for me. At least he trusts me. I get more trust out of a piece of metal then real people. How SAD is that? *Looks around for Bob.* THERE YOU ARE...I missed you so...you and I are gonna have some fun tonight...so much fun. I have some new words to carve. It'll be FUN. *Pets Bob gently.* I missed you, my friend...

-Joey

Beloved,

JAMES U CAN TAKE ME 2 THE CANDY SHOP N LET ME LIK UR LOLLYPOP I"LL HAVE YA SPEND ALL YA GOT N KEEP GOIN TIL I HIT THE SPOT

Lmao...:)

-Joey

Lmao!

Kesho, you rock. I just read your string of diary entries. Cracked me up...I like this part...

"Remember, that when someone annoys you it takes 32 muscles in your face to frown, but only 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that mofo upside the head.:-D"

Wow, that's...great. :) Love you.

-Joey

Beloved,

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

And now on to the mushy love stuff...heh...

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.

Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.

When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love


Okay...that's all for now. I love you James....

-Joey

Beloved,

YAY IT'S A SIN TO BE HONEST!!! WOOT WOOT. I told a guy I liked him liked him. I didn't say I was gonna hit on him. I didn't say I was gonna try and date him. I DIDN'T SAY ANY OF THIS. 'sides, HE'S STRAIGHT. Definately not my thing. But yeah.

I'm being accused of trying to break him and his gf up. Lmao. What? Let me think back to this...ah yes, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO THAT IS KYLIE AND BRANDON. I had nothing to do with it. Nothing. But ya know, everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Be a backstabbing idiot. I don't care. Fuck you. Glad I didn't have to get to know you any better and open myself up where you could have hurt me more.

But I must say...you DID hurt me. You...claimed to be my friend and then you do this? Wow...REAL friendlike. I believe that friends are there for eachother. They don't turn on one another...I never said any such thing. And if you're gonna believe a stupid fat lying guy and his little mind controlling bitch...by all means. I hope you're miserable. Cuz you're just gonna get used.

-Joey

Beloved,

I sit alone
in a dark theatre,
watching the people go by,
hand in hand,
everybody but me.
Oh....

I stay behind,
watching the credits roll by
roll, roll, roll, right right by me.

Chorus:
I know, I won't cry,
'cause there is somebody, somebody, somebody,
waiting for me out in the rain.
Won't cry, not tonight,
'cause there is somebody waiting for me.
oooooh yeah....

I take a walk,
the streets are busy tonight,
and I am searching for you,
waiting to brush your shoulder.
But I'm alone,
I watch the faces roll by,
roll, roll, roll, right by me.

Chorus

How many words will go unspoken?
'Til I hear knocking upon my door.
I need some talkin, the nights I spent heartbroken
But tonight I am going home,
I won't cry no more.

I lie awake, I left the porch light on,
I hope it helps you find your way.
Outside, I hear the thunder roll by.
Roll, roll, roll right by me

Chorus.

Not going to cry tonight.
No, no, no, no!
Oh yeah,
not going to cry,
not tonight,
there is somebody waiting for me.

I stay behind, watching the credits roll by,
roll, roll, roll right by me.

-Joey

Beloved,

Lmao. LMAO. God, I knew it. I fucking knew it. I'm psychic....I swear I'm psychic. I have to be. There is NO other explanation. I talked to Pat on the phone last night. Everything was great. Then today...*Shrugs.* Well, let's just say I have no CLUE to what happened. But outta no where he ends his relationship with me on ET and then he's over at Brandon's house. Two faced? Lying? Bastard? Piece of shit? I think all of these apply.

You fucker. You said you'd never leave me. You said you'd never let anyone hurt me. You said *Sighs.* You hurt me. I'm so glad I didn't trust you with everything. Cuz you woulda stabbed me in the back even deeper. I LOVED YOU!!! I CARED ABOUT YOU!!! And what do I get in return? That's garbage. *Sighs.* Oh well. I can handle being alone. I can handle it. I've done it before, I can DO IT AGAIN. It's no big deal for me. Just remember that what comes around goes around. You'll pay for what you did to me. And I'll make sure your sentence gets carried out.

MOVING ON. Nobody...and I repeat NOBODY is calling me ever again. Because I told Pat before he called that he'd talk to me on the phone once, and then he'd never talk to me again. "That'll never happen...you're my friend." Oh yeah? You did it, asshole. Friend? You DO NOT treat friends like that. But I don't care....lalalalalalala...That's the magic of it, I don't have to care. Go to hell, you piece of shit. You even blocked me on msn. What kind of SHIT is that? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU!!!!

*Cries.* I'm not good enough...for anyone. I'm...not...go-good enough...for anyone....

-Joey

Beloved,

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With no where to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles
Spend their time collapsing

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

It’s my birthday tomorrow
No one here could know
I was born this thursday
Twenty-two years ago
And I feel stuck watching history repeating
Oh am I just a kid who knows he’s needy?

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough

*Sighs.* What's wrong with me...honestly? Am I so bad...? So horrible? I know...I'M A 40 YEAR OLD FAT MAN STALKER WHO'S GONNA FUCKIN' RAPE YOU IF YOU GIVE ME PERSONAL INFORMATION. right...*Rolls eyes.* Whatever...

Often times...in times of stress...I've wondered if I could abstain from cutting. I've went so long without it...and I wonder now if I can keep that up. I don't think that I can. I don't think it's possible. But then maybe it is. I want to do so much more to myself then just have the metal kiss my arm...I want to go deeper...into the veins...I want to watch my life drain out of me...

-Joey

Beloved,

So much has happened in the last two days. Wow. So much. *Sighs.* I'm not going to go into detail about everything just yet. I don't...feel up to it. But let's just say a lot of crap has went down. Yeah...a LOT.

I just wanted to let James know that I love him and have been thinking about him. My altar, babe, is decorated in green. Lol. I have four green candles lit, a green incense burning...green altar cloth. GREEN EVERYTHING...just for you. So that the Goddess knows how important you are to me. *Sighs.* You are such a sweetie. I love you so much, babe. *Hugs and kisses you gently.*

That's all for now...

-Joey

Beloved,

Haha...Andrew? Fuck you. :D I do NOT need you. *Sighs.* I'm glad it didn't work out...I knew it wouldn't from the beginning. We were COMPLETELY wrong for eachother. COMPLETELY!!!! EW. Lmao. I still love you as a friend...and I'm here if you need me. :)

I found out tonight that the literal LOVE of my life got jumped by some guys that didn't like him. I'm not completely sure of the circumstances...like...why they did it. Probably because of sexual preference. ANYWAYS, that's not the point. The beat him up. Omg. No, that is wrong. He's in the hospital and has been messaging me. He's okay but doesn't look so great. I ask that you keep him in your thoughts and pray for him if you pray. James, that shouldn't have happened to you. It should have been me. I wish ... I was there. I love you so much. You are like a god to me. Beautiful...mysterious...full of beauty and power. I love you so much.

Here's a poem that he wrote for me. I don't know if he wanted it publicized, but it was so sweet...I can't help it. If you want me to talk it down, baby, let me know. I love you...

Life and love are two weird things...
But I know for sure they are two of the most
important things I will ever give to you...
My life may be stopped short one day,
but my love for you will be endless.
Since the day I first talked to you,
My heart lept,
The more I got to know you,
The more I fell in love.
A few times my mind was uncertain,
But my heart pounded with joy with every message given.

My vow to you is to make you happy,
And as happy as you can be.
My vow to you is to show you love,
As much love as you'll let me show.
My vow to you is to show you life,
My life ready to be given for you at any moment.

I know one day, if may come to a sudden stop,
But remember there three things I say unto you:

The first is everlasting love, one that cannot be broken,
like energy, that courses through time and space.
It cannot be made, it cannot be destroyed.

The second is the promises made, are promises kept.
no matter the difficultly.
No matter the troubles.

The third is that you are the angel without wings,
My own love, pride and joy.
I love every wakeing moment with you.
I love every sleeping moment with you.

I'm gonna print this off and frame it. I love you JAMES!!! *Hugs and kisses you.*

Until later,

Joey

Beloved,

Well, I think I'll just write a poem off the top of my head and put into words what I'm feeling. I'm having a really hard time trying to figure this whole thing out. Was it my fault? I mean...did I say or do something wrong? Nobody thinks I did anything wrong...yet, I can't help but feel that be the case. *Sighs.* Please...let me know....please? Don't let me sit here in pain and wonder. I'll take whatever you give me. The phone...a letter...an e-mail or message...just...tell me what you want. So I can know if my heart was wasted...and I should move on with it's pieces...or if I should ask for your help to put it back together. I need...to know. I do...

I Need To Know
~Joey(me)

I need to know you love me...
I need to know you care...
I need to know you want me...
Even though it may not be fair...

Everything was fine...
Happy as could be...
Then out of the clear blue sky...
You go against what you said to me...

Moving way too fast...
Is only in the eye of the beholder...
Regardless what the spectators say...
Watch as our love smolders...

I really still want you...
I need you in my life...
I want you by my side...
What we have should not be wasted in strife...

You're a beautiful person...
Far to good for me...
Maybe I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up...
Through these tears I cannot see.

I love you so much, baby...
With you I always want to stay...
But these pains are just too much...
In my bed...crying...I lay...

So do you still want me?
Do you love me like you said?
Or was it all mistaken words...
Messing with my head...

If you want me to be gone...
Simply say, "Go."
I will leave you and get out of your life...
Say...and it shall be so...

-Joey

Beloved,

I said I loved you, Darling,
And gave you all my heart.
Yet you chose to leave our love behind,
You chose for us to part.

What else can I say, My Love?
I know this language well.
Was it the words of love I spoke?
Or was it the words I didn't tell?

For if that's the way I failed,
And you chose to leave that day --
I'm sorry, My Love . . .
What else can I say?

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Well, this is what a true friend does when his friends are down. My friend, Riyu, [Riyu Kaiden] that I met here wrote this poem for me about what he wanted for me. He's such a sweetheart. *Hugs Riyu.* Thank you so much....:)

I want you to be happy,
with all the stars shining down on you.
Not a shread of sadness should be thought of,
Or seen in the presense of your heart.
The shadow that dwells within you,
Should be washed away by the bright lights of love.
The forever trail leading to paradise,
Where you will live forever in peace.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

I've often wondered if the thing called "True Love" exist. I thought it did. I thought I found it. But alas, I'm wrong. Haha, god I'm so stupid. Also the phrase "Love at first sight." I thought that existed for a while too. GOOD GODDESS...I'm STUPID. Love doesn't exist. Nope, doesn't exist. Just a nice thing people say to get them through this miserable thing called life. No love...none...

-Joey