Beloved,

*Sighs.* No, no, no...*SIIIIIGHS.* There, that's a bit better. Well, I cried...1...2...3...4...5 ... times since I got back from Garden City. I'm just...freaking out. Nobody ever keeps promises they make to me. NOBODY. And it scares me. 'cause I trust Bri and I don't want to lose him. Although, I highly doubt it'll happen that way. Knowing my luck, I'll fuck it up. Just like I always do. Sometimes being a fuck up really gets old, ya know? *Grumbles.*

Well, I dyed my hair something plum and you can't really tell unless I'm in the light. But it looks cool. I like it. It was subtle for the first time I've ever dyed it. Which is what I wanted. My next one will be dramatic. "Things always work out in the end..." Oh shut up stupid voice in my head. You don't know what you're talking about.

I got to talk to Brian tonight...which was nice. It was wonderful hearing voice...now if I could just cuddle with him..but I can't...cause I'm not there...I'm here. *Bites lip...* I-..*Sighs.* Nothing. Nevermind. I'm not going to do it. Love is evil. I hate it. It messes with your head. GRR. I won't be able to sleep tonight. I just know it. 'cause Bri isn't there beside me. I feel empty when he's not around.

Apparently after babers got home, he got depressed. All I've been doing is complaining about me...I haven't considered what kind of effect this is having on him. I know he loves me. I know he wants me around. I'm his sunshine just as he is mine. I'm just not used to it, I guess. Being wanted back. It's odd. All of my relationships have been about me wanting someone...but them not wanting me...or the other way around. NEVER has anyone wanted me at the same time I wanted them. It's...different. But in a very nice kinda way.

Hmm. Brevity is a virtue...unfortunately, it's not a virtue that I possess. So I will continue to ramble on and say whatever pops into my head. Let's see. What to say, what to say. Well, I know I'm going to put a poem at the end of this, I just haven't decided upon the topic. Should be interesting, though.

Hmm...let's talk about why Brian is perfect. And no, not as a lover...but as a person. Heh. Just thinking about him makes me grin. He has such a beautiful face. And the most gorgeous eyes. He's sweet...and caring. Considerate beyond belief. Yet, at the same time, has an evil side if he's not feeling well. He has the nicest hands...heh. God, I'm obsessed. I need shot. SHOT I TELL YOU.

NEXT! How about...we talk about something more of an interest to you. Even though I don't know who you are, I bet you're wondering something. I bet you're wondering how someone like me is single. I'll tell you why. One, I'm not as perfect as I seem. I'm moody...difficult to understand. Rarely open up. Few people know the real me...and most that day stay the hell away from me. I'm cranky ... depressed easily. I'm suicidal...some days...most days. Okay, point number two. I'm not desirable. I know you're like, "BUT YOU ARE!!!" No, I'm not. And if you knew me...REALLY knew me, you wouldn't think that.

I think about things constantly. I'm too analytical most of the time. "Anal retentive" as my art teacher would put it. :) But that's okay. With my analytical nature comes the gift of observance. Something few people bother to even use. For instance, empathy. I'm easily influenced by the moods of others. I know what they're feeling. And it rubs off on me. I tend to know what people want...and what they think. Scary most of the time,...yet, very cool.

*Sighs.* I'm avoiding what I'm really feeling. Cuz if I talk about it, I'm going to start crying. I don't know. I'm just...I feel so alone right now. *Tears form at eyes.* *Sighs.*

You turned my darkness into light;
You made everything all right.
You picked me up when I was down;
You turned my life around.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A blessing is what you are to me.

When I needed you the most, you were there;
Even if it seemed like you didn't care.
When I didn't think I could make it another day,
You chased all my doubts away.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A treasure is what you are to me.

The world is full of many people, it's true;
But there is only one of you.
You fill my heart with love;
You're a God-sent gift from above.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
An angel is what you are to me.

Lost and alone, I will no longer be;
Because you are here with me.
There is no reason to be sad;
You've taken away all the bad.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A best friend is what you are to me!!

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Well, turns out Bri's gonna take me back today...*Sighs.* I just wish that I knew what he was thinking...how he felt...so I can know whether to..nevermind. Anyways, he told me that he'll be there to pick me up on my 18th b-day June 9th. So in 11 days. I guess that's not so bad. I just don't want to go that long without him. *Weak grin.* But it's not important what I want. I'm just some silly boy....

I wish that I could put into words how I felt right now...Angry?...Sad?...Alone?...Hateful..?...Well, not hateful 'cause I don't hate him...If anything I love him too much. It just seems that sometimes it doesn't really matter how I feel and it makes me angry. I left the bed and instead of him coming in here and seeing what was up, he just laid there. How much does he care? *Sighs.* I wish that he'd just tell me that he hates me so I can just try and move on. But no,...it's gonna be long and drawn out. But then again, maybe he loves me..ha..haha..hah. Love isn't like that. It's not kind. It's not caring. It's mean..and cruel. And it hurts you more than you could ever imagine.

Anyways, like I said, he's taking me back today and "promises" he's coming back to get me on the ninth. I don't buy it. I want to, but I've been hurt far too many times to be naive enough to even CONSIDER trying to believe it. He's just going to talke me up there and forget about me. I know he is..

Why does life have to be so damn confusing? Yes, he needs some space to make decisions, but what he doesn't realize is that I .. need him. I told myself I'd never trust again this easily. That I'd keep my walls high and not lower them for anyone. Yet, I've done it again. I'm grovelling before him. I have none of his heart...but he has all of mine..He doesn't realize the control that he has over me. When will I stop being stupid?

Probably when I'm dead. Which, I can assure you, probably isn't far off. *Sighs.* Oh well, though, ya know? It won't be any huge loss to society I'm sure.

Here's a poem I wrote last night...

Trust

Trusting is so hard
When all you've been is hurt
Thrown aside when I needed most
Thrown aside and treated as dirt

What happens when
There's nothing left to give?
When all your world is crumbling
and you don't want to live?

So give me a reason to trust
When everyone betrays you
Just one reason why
And I'll try to believe you

It's hard to not know
Exactly what you feel
When you won't vocalize
It's hard for me to deal

It hurtsfor me to love you
When I have so little left to give
So tell me that you love me, too
And give me a reason to live...

Welp, there it is boys and girls. *Sighs.* Corny?..probably. Stupid?...Definately. But the truth is also in that poem. The hope that's in my heart. The one that says, "There's good in all people...open up and give freely of yourself...you can't hold back when it comes to love." Then the stark realization that I used to live that way and look where it got me. OCD, bi-polar, a cutter, a burner, and anorexic/bulimic. Hah. Open and give freely. That makes me giggle.

Until later,

<3 Joey

P.S. Bri, regardless of where this whole...shitty situation takes us, I will always love you. Never forget that...*Weak grin.* Thank you for making my life better. For giving me sun when I only had clouds.

Beloved,

Well...I warned every party involved in the "domestic" situation at my house. I warned EACH and EVERY one of them...that if shit continued as it was going...I'd leave...And...I did.

I'm currently in Garden City, where I'll hopefully be for some time. I'm staying with the sweetest guy I know...Brian. *Grins.* It's crazy. I told myself never again. And yet, here I am. That stupid...jumpy heart thing. That annoying horniness at every touch ... haha. I hope he ain't readin' this...lol!

Anyways, yeah, so I've been here. And it's awesome. No shit. Just me and Bri and occassional friends of Bri. AWESOME people I might add.

Do you know the best feeling in the world? Of course you don't. But I do, and I'mma elaborate for you. The best feeling in the world isn't the butterflies you get when you look at that person. It isn't loving that person so much that your biggest fear is losing them. It's not hugs, kisses, or cuddling. So...you're probably asking...what is it? The best feeling in the world...is being safe in someone's arms. And KNOWING that you're safe and that nothing bad can happen. Those are the moments that you should grab a hold of and try to keep.

*Sighs.* I can't put into words how much Brian means to me. I mean...nevermind, I'm worried he's gonna read this and like...get mad and not feel the same way. That's one of the worst feelings. Those thoughts about where that person might get fed up with you. Scares the hell outta me cuz I know how easy it is to lose someone. If I lost Bri, I'd go insane.

Brian, I want to tell you so much to your face what you mean to me, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why. I'm just...ashamed? Scared? Worried? I don't know if any of those words are right, it's sort of a mixture of them all. Not knowing how you feel about me is killing me. I'm constantly stuck being so happy, and yet, being so sad I'm almost in tears. Bri, I love you. I do...*Weak grin.* Please don't be mad......

ANYWAYS...lol. I got alcohol last night...teee heee...lmao. I had three cosmopolitans...uhm...baja mountain dew with vodka, vodka shots...that was fun. Lol. It burned so bad. OMG..ow. And a screwdriver. (Orange juice and Vodka.) Yeah, we got Smirnoff Vodka last night...fun fun. TEE HE. I went BEZERK...but so did he, so I guess it's okay. Lol.

Uhm...uhm...what else. OH...me and Bri went to the zoo. That was lotsa fun. TALK ABOUT SOME CREEPY BIRDS. LMFAO. Dude, when we were there, these monkeys were mating...and the reason we knew this wasn't because we could see them...we could fuckin' hear them. They fuckin' reached ORGASM...LMFAO. And then it went silent. It was sooo funny.

Anyways, I think that's all for now...NO...I'll put a poem on here...:)

You don't know how I'm feeling.
I have yet to vocalize
Desire deep inside me.
Can you see it in my eyes?

I tremble when I'm near you
Heat travels up my thighs
and I want you with an urgency
That I just can't describe.

Dare I reach out to touch you?
Do you think you'd realize
How much I want and need you?
Can you see it in my eyes?

I long to say, "I love you,"
But am scared of your reply.
Terrified like a child
I've become paralyzed.

The camouflaged emotions
Lead to pain and silent cries.
And yet I just can't tell you.
Don't you see it in my eyes?

Confessing through this poem
My dilemma summarized.
The feeling's quite cathartic,
But will lead to my demise.

Until later,

<3 Joey (In love)

P.S. HAPPY NOW MIK? Lol. Love ya. :)

Beloved,

Well, I love this song by Brandy. I don't know why...as I hate Brandy...but I like the song...the meaning behind it I think. *Shrugs.* Maybe I'm just weird...that's possible. Lol.

Well, how am I doing...you're probably wondering. I'm doing okay now...I realized that things weren't all my fault after all...and that it's better to trust your instincts then live in something that doesn't feel right.

Anyways, yeah, just thought I'd update and leave the lyrics to that song.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Whatever you want, I got it, Papi
Don't hesitate, holla at me
What I'm lookin' for
Is simple, you see
Love and support and sexuality
When I'm with you, I don't wanna leave
I need you just like air that I breathe
But when I'm not with you, I'm missing a piece
I got a lot inside I need to release

You fulfill my every desire
When I'm with you, you take me higher (Wooo woo whoo)

[chorus]
You're my afrodisiac
You're the only one I'm needin'
When I go, I'll come back
'Cause there is no way I'm leavin'
You're my afrodisiac
You're the only one I'm needin'
When I go, I'll come back
'Cause there is no way I'm leavin'

There is no way you are gettin' away
I need your love every day
Medicine can't cure the way that I feel
What I need is my inner fill
Being without you, it's makin' me ill
Stressin' me out, I need to chill
Something this strong, gotta be real
Nothing or noone, show my skills

You fulfill my every desire
When I'm with you, you take me higher (Wooo woo whoo)

[chorus]

I admit that I'm a prisoner of your sex appeal (sex appeal)
I can't seem to find a way to escape how I feel (how I feel)
I can't wait no longer, please come give a dose to me (dose to me)
Craving's gettin' stronger, need you now, close to me

[chorus 2x]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Peace and love,

<3 Joey

Special little note to Alex: Heh. Thought I'd put you in here cuz you're helping me a lot, love. I appreciate your listening and support. :) *Hugs you.* Life can only go up. And it is thanks to you. Love you!

Beloved,

Wow. It's amazing how fast things can go from into control to out of control. One minute, everything's fine and life is completely in order. Next minute, things are strewn everywhere and everything's fucked up. *Sighs.* I guess it doesn't help things...when you, yourself, are a fuck up. But, ya know, ya gotta deal with that sometimes.

I cut last night for the first time in six months. First time in so long...and I can honestly say, that when I did it, I felt nothing. *Sighs.* My safety switch in that activity has been turned to "off." It doesn't work anymore....No more. I don't have something that'll make me feel better...

What makes matters worse is that I don't have someone here for me. Not here here. God, I hate this fucking town...this house...this state. Goddess. WHY...

But I guess I'm to blame. Just ask anyone. They'll tell you that everything that's happened is my fault. I'm the one to blame. I "brought" this upon myself. It's my fault I have disorders...and mental problems. It's my fault I'm always depressed. Or that I have trust issues. It's my fault that everything goes wrong. All of it.

I could fall into a huge pit of self-pity right now, but ya know what? I'm not going to. Because I'm better than that. I don't need pity...or compassion from anyone. I need to accept me for me. Screw what everyone else thinks.

Mikki blew up on me tonight...about her needing room to "breathe." I fuckin' gave her three months. ISN'T THAT LONG ENOUGH?! Guess not. I'll make it another three. I don't need anyone. I'll find myself ... by myself.

And that's how it's gonna be. Ta da. There...you happy now, everyone? I don't need you...that's right. I don't. Most of you (not all ... there are a few exceptions) disgust me. You come to me with your fuckin' problems and then don't give a shit about mine. So...other than the few people I really do care about, how bout you don't talk to me anymore. Sounds good to me. Cuz I don't need you. I need you like I need another hole in the head. I DON'T.

Anyone who calls my house that is on my "off" list will not be responded to. I'm not gonna talk to you. And you know why? Because YOU brought it on yourself. It's not my fault. It's yours. YOURS. Remember that.

A song by Hilary Duff that makes sense right about now...(Which never happens...I HATE her...but this song is good...)

In a moment, everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute, all the world can wait
Let go of your yesterday

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing
And take control?

[chorus]
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cause it's your time
Time to fly

All your worries, leave them somewhere else
Find a dream you can follow
Reach for something, when there's nothing left
And the world's feeling hollow

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing
And take control?

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cause it's your time
Time to fly

And when you're down and feel alone
Just wanna run away
Trust yourself and don't give up
You know you better than anyone else

In a moment, everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute, all the world can wait
Let go of yesterday

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try

Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cause it's your time
Time to fly

In a moment, everything can change


Oh...and a shout out to all the people I currently care about right now. Josh(B), Carly, Sarah, Jordan(Queen Jojo), Alex(N), Steve, Eva & Robin W., and to whomever I forgot, I'm extremely sorry. I love you all very much. Special shot out to Josh(Don't know your last name, babe...You're my lapdancer..:D)...I love you babe...

And that's all for tonight, munckins!

<3 Joey

(Single...yet again...)

Beloved,

*Sighs.* Wow. .. That's all I have to say...fuckin'...wow. GRR. Omg, anger...resentment...hate...loneliness. EVERYTHING...Omg. .. I hate lows. HATE HATE HATE HATE THEM. CURSE THIS DISEASE. AND IT'S EFFECTS ON MY MENTALITY...curse it to hell. *Sighs.* *Starts to cry.* Why do I have to be stupid? Why does everyone intentionally want to piss me off? Am I just...FUN to piss off? God damn it. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. *Sighs again.*

I wish I could cut. But it's so pointless. It doesn't do what it used to. Believe me, I know from trying. Oh well, though. Sometimes...I wish that I could fall asleep...and never...ever...wake up. I'm so tired of waking up. Of putting on my fuckin mask and trying to make it through another day. I'm so scared. Scared about so many things. I can't believe...nevermind. That will not be discussed here. Too many people know me...know...*Looks around.* I'll make another diary on diaryland. One where I can express myself freely without ANYONE knowing who I am. That'll be scary. But I think It'll help.

*Hums softly.*

Wish I had what I needed...
To be on my own...
Cuz I'm feeling defeated...
And I'm feeling alone...

And it all seems so hopeless...
And I've got no plans...
I'm a plane in the sunset...
With nowhere to land...

Let me know that you need me...
Let me know you're touch...
Let me know that you love me...
Let that be enough...

*Sighs again.*

Why...do I have these ups and downs? I wish I knew the cause of my disorder. So I could fix it. I just ... I just want to be normal. I want to ... know what I want. To fit in without having to try. I want to be spontaneous...without having to think EVERYTHING over before I do something. I just want to stop thinking ... I want to live on the edge. *Sighs.*

Whatever.

-Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* I see you, there, M. I see you there, sad and depressed...feeling alone...and scared. Not knowing what you'll do next. I understand your plight, love. I've been down that road as well. I walked a lonely road...by myself. Whether it was because no one was there or because I didn't want anyone around to help me, it doesn't matter. I was alone. Utterly...alone.

Just as you are now, love. Just as you are now...scared. Alone. Seeked out by all...but listened to by few. I understand. I do. You aren't alone in how you are feeling. You never have been. You, love, are beautiful. In every way. But there's something...something that's keeping you from seeing that beauty. His name be Josh...he has taken your heart. And you won't take it back.

Things with him will never change. He's always going to be an ass, love. Don't expect different. Don't hope he'll change. Drastic times call for drastic measures. *Weak grin.* I know that my advice means nothing now...but someday soon, you'll understand what I mean when I say, "With time...comes understanding."

In order to understand...one must experience. And you're at the brink of exploration. Or understanding. Because whether you want to or not, those experiences in which you want no part in, will soon be upon you. You have no choice but to live in them. To accept them. Even embrace them. Because our experiences...bad and good...they're what makes us...us. I'm sorry I can't hug you and whisper in your ear that everything is going to be alright. I wish I could be the one to capture all your tears...

M, I love you. I always will. Keep your head up, love. Everything will be okay.

You entered my life like a gentle sigh,
like a quiet breeze blowing softly through the leaves.
You were a stranger first, one who laughed freely and easily,
who spoke of minor intimacies and common grounds,
who made me feel strangely liked and valued.
You became my friend, no longer a stranger,
trusting me with secrets hidden,
confiding what you liked and hated.
We talked and laughed and, as time passed by,
I grew more and more dependent upon your smile.

From strangers to friends was just a baby step,
a step a thousand others take every day.
Without your trust and trusting ways,
without your smiles and encouraging gaze,
I would never have taken the step beyond.
But the gentle breeze blowing through the leaves
is relentless and never ending.
We became closer friends, and closer still,
until much of my life was centered around the times
we spent together.

We traveled far along the path of friendship,
avoiding the bumps somehow, never stumbling,
always in step with one another.
You were my guide, my eyes and ears,
the unfailing light that lit the road before us.
Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder,
you brought me along our course,
to a destination I had never seen before.
You became my best friend along that journey,
the anchor in my life where none had ever been.

You did a good job of guiding our steps,
a job no other could ever do,
and it wasn't your fault, really, when I stumbled.
Somewhere along our path,
perhaps where the heights were making me dizzy with joy,
I simply lost my balance and fell.
By the grace of God, I fell not to either side, nor to the rear,
but fell instead forward, along the path we'd tread.
My plunge forward was unguided, and my steps were steps you never intended.
I fell in love with you.

From strangers, to friends, to close friends, to best friends.
And beyond.
I've never been sorry for any step we've taken together,
no, not even for the fall I took alone.
I never knew, before knowing you, how empty my life had been.
I thought I was happy. I thought I was successful.
I thought I had known love and all that love can bring.
But the gentle breeze, blowing softly through the leaves,
carries the smell of wild flowers and still wilder beasts,
and what you brought into my life can never be assessed.

We are so very different, you and I. And yet so much the same.
And our differences merge with our similarities,
giving rise to something special and unique.
We talk.
Of all the things I value about this thing that is us,
and there are so many I often lose count,
I value most the way we talk about any thing any time any where.
And each time I listen to you, each time I ponder what you've said,
I learn something new. About you. About me. About the world.
I've learned to trust in your instincts.

I love the vitality and zest that is so much a part of you.
I never would have believed the breeze, blowing softly through the leaves,
could be so filled with life.
I treasure that spark of spirit in you,
that flashing flare of fire that animates all that you do.
It's easy to see how much you love life,
even when life is sometimes less than lovable,
and that love is always mirrored in your eyes and smile.
You are never more beautiful than when that spark ignites
and your vitality blazes in your happy face.

And, yes, I love your beauty, shallow as that may sound.
I love the way your eyes change from blue to blue-green,
the way the morning sun catches afire in your hair,
the way your nostrils move when you breathe deep breaths,
the way your tongue slips out of its safe harbor when you think deep thoughts.
I love the curve of your cheek,
that soft milky canvas for the faint scar you won't talk about.
I love your tiny eyelashes, the small gaps in your teeth,
the way your earlobes hang lower than mine.
Your beauty truly takes my breath away.

I love the way you trust in me, never quite whole hearted,
but always just enough.
That trust started as a small seed, I think,
a tentative whisper of unearned confidence,
often shrouded by a cloak of hesitation and unsurety.
I could always tell when you faltered,
when the steps we took were uncertain and questioned.
And yet still you trusted me,
with your secrets, with your feelings, with yourself.
You'll never know how much that trust has meant to me.

I love the way you understand me too well.
It's uncanny sometimes how well you know my thoughts, my feelings, my moods,
frightening at times how closely our lives have become interlinked.
You know so much of me, secrets I've never told,
thoughts I've never shared, parts of me I've never seen myself.
You've discovered a window into my being,
a window I didn't know was there,
a window no one else has ever found.
It's almost as if our two souls have merged into one,
almost as if the hand of God has repaired that which once was broken.

I love the way we have fun doing the strangest things,
or the way we can enjoy each other doing nothing at all.
We shop and walk, eat and talk,
playing games apart and united.
We study and drill, work and play,
listening to music and singing the words together.
We have fun with each other,
frolicking in our shared pleasures,
you enjoying the thrill of life,
me just enjoying you.

I'm not blinded by my love, though, and know you are not perfect.
You are impatient and easy to anger,
too intolerant when you should tolerate,
too forgiving when you shouldn't forgive.
You allow the stresses of life to mold your day,
allow the commitments of life to shape your way.
I know your imperfections as well as your perfections,
know your faults as well as your assets.
And I find I love you not in spite of those,
but as much because of them as anything else.

Your life has touched mine.
My friendship with you, my love for you,
all that you are and aren't,
have changed my life in ways you cannot fathom,
in ways I could never describe in depth.
The gentle breeze, blowing softly through the leaves,
has worked her wondrous magic,
transforming the one she touched.
I'm not the same man I was a year ago.
I will never be that man again.

The communication we've shared has taught me to value our honest openness,
and I know I'll never be satisfied again with less.
Your trust in me has taught me to trust in you,
knowing you will never intentionally cause me pain.
Your spark of vitality has transformed the way I see life,
giving me reason again to live and cause to celebrate.
Your beauty, both inner and outer, has renewed the wonder
with which I see the world, and has restored my sense of awe.
Even the fun we share, that senseless sense of joy,
has changed the way I live and think.

As much as you've altered my present, though,
the effect you've had on my future is just as great.
I once thought I knew what love meant to me,
once thought I had experienced all that life had to offer.
I lived and I loved, and I hurt and I grew,
and I believed I could never love again,
could never willingly face the pain of caring.
Love was a myth, I thought, and true love, lasting love,
was just a lie told by poets.
But I was wrong.

In learning to love you, I discovered I've never loved before.
Not truly. Not entirely. Not eternally.
I've spent much of my life in love with love,
searching for the fulfillment of a concept,
caring more for caring than caring for another person.
I confused lust with love, intimacy with affection.
And when those feelings waned, when the relationships died,
I wondered why I felt so empty. So hurt.
You changed that, as you've changed so much else.
You taught me how to love.

I wish you knew the me of before,
as you know so well the me of today,
so you could see the difference knowing you has made.
You've changed my life in so many ways,
in ways small and ways important,
in ways you'll never know nor understand.
The impact you've had on me,
on the way I feel and think and act,
will endure forever. Until the end of time.
Like a quiet breeze blowing softly through the leaves.

Until later,

Joey

Beloved,

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete
Incomplete

Hmm. Well, this isn't to Matty. Not to anyone actually. I don't even know why I put it here. HMMM. Oh well, just stupid I guess. I'll live. :)

-Joey

Beloved,

Well, I got my pictures completely updated on msn spaces. LOTSA NEW PICTURES IN THE ALBUMS "GUYS KISSING" "HOT GUYS" AND "NUDE GUYS" so...check 'em out if you're into that...lol. :)

http://spaces.msn.com/members/scojoey/

Anyways, I LOVE YOU MATTY!!!

until later,

-Jojo

Beloved,

God, I don't think that this can get any better! *Jumps up and down for joy.* *Rolls eyes.* God...I hate life. Someone just fucking kill me now. I've been crying the majority of the day. I can't take it here anymore, yet, it seems as if I'm fucking STUCK here for all eternity. I don't think I'm ever gonna get out of this house...I have no where to go.

"It doesn't happen overnight." Well then, I just will end up in San Antonio or Austin on the streets next week, Matty. I'm sorry that I was being an asshole. It's just I...WILL NOT...let me make that clear...WILL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOT...clearer? Live here any more. I won't. I can't. and I won't. End of story. SO IF ANY OF Y'ALL READ THIS AND HAVE SOMEWHERE FOR ME TO LIVE LET ME KNOW! Thanks....I'm gone next week...whether it be with a house in sight...or not...

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

Well...tonight was definately the last straw for me with my step-dad. I've dealt with his shit for nine years. NINE of them, and I can't take it anymore. I can't stand...having him degrade me...having him lower me...not after Matty has taught me about who I really am. Matty always makes me feel...like the most beautiful person in the world. Like...there is no one more important to me. He makes me feel smart. He makes me feel...loved. He makes me smile...and laugh. He's taught me that I'm not ugly...that no matter what anyone says, the only way someone can hurt you is if you let them. He's shown me what it's like...to love again. And for the first time ever...to be loved. *Sighs.* I don't know what I'd do with out him. Probably die. I can't...

I won't do this anymore. I can't take the stress...the pain that I feel. I cried for three hours straight because of what he did tonight and all the past memories of crap he's done to me. He abuses me...maybe not physically...but mentally...emotionally? I'm dying. I....want to kill myself so bad. And if not myself...then...him. I can't...take his crap anymore. I won't take his crap anymore. For once in my life, I'm not going to be a doormat. I'm gonna stand up...and be strong. I will put him in his place.

Matty, I need to talk to you about money and getting down there. All I know is I can't be here anymore. If I can't be with you baby, then I'll be out on the street. That by far is better than here. I...no. I can't. I refuse. I will hitch hike to texas if I have to, but I will succeed in getting there.

They want me gone...so be it. They want to try and control the type of person I am...so be it. I won't tolerate it. I will not be thrown around. I'm not the world's ragdoll and I refuse to be treated as such. So. To my parents...I say goodbye. It's time for me to start a new chapter in my life. It may not be planned very well. Hell, it may not be planned at all, but it's better than here. Anywhere is better than here.

Mom, I know that YOU love me. I know that you love having me around and helping you...you've always made me feel special. *Weak grin.* You've shown me what it was like to give up everything for something. To throw away your life...for the life of another. So, I ask that you please understand where I'm coming from. I ask that in your heart...you evaluate what you've seen the past nine years...evaluate it...and let me go. Mom, I will never be gone from you. Because I am in your heart. I'm eternally connected to you. We have a bond that can not be broken. I love you so much mom. You mean the world to me. And to be honest, not having you there scares me. You always give me the best advice. You always help me with whatever it is that I need. You've shown me love when nobody else did. You are the true definition of a mom. Just so you know that I'm sincere, I'm crying right now. That's how much you mean to me. I love you. Never forget that. I promise I will call you all the time... I promise...

Kylie, omg. What would I do without you, babe. You've always been supportive of my decisions. You've always...made me feel like I could trust you. Man, have we had some times together. Wow...remember when you used to put makeup on me? Remember when we'd play with eachother's hair. Make eachother beautiful? :) Remember ... when we threw ice in mom's bed when she was asleep? Sweetie, nobody could ever replace you in my life. Funny as it sounds, I respect you...and look up to you (not literally...shorty:D) so much. You've shown me what it was to have someone who was always on my side and fight my battles. That's hard to find. I know we fight a lot...but I hope you know how much I love you. How much you really do mean to me. You're my little sister...and I will never be able to replace you. I love you sweetie. I just hope I was the kind of brother that you could look up to. The kind that you felt safe around...I hope...that I've been to you...what you've been to me. I love you.

Tim...I HATE YOU FUCKING GUTS. Oh. Had to get that out.

Phew. That was hard to do. Omg so hard. Wow. I'm crying. JEEZ. I'm a fountain tonight. I'd leave notes for the dogs...but they can't read. I don't know what's gonna happen with sonya. I'd love to bring her with me...but right now, that's just not possible. So...mom...I'm intrusting her to you. For now, I'll get her As soon as I can. But until then...please...take good care of her. You know how much she means to me. She's my baby. :) I don't know what I'm gonna do with my moths. Hm. I'll think about this more later.

Well, that sums up everything. Puts into written word what I can't tell mom and sis. That way they know how I really feel. I love them. I do. I will always be with them. If not in person...then by heart. Thank you to both of them for helping me realize who I really am today.

Well, that's it. *Weak grin.* Time to email them this link and go to bed. Best of luck to me. Matty, I'm sorry I didn't call you babe...complications. In fact, I think I'll just call you. *sighs.* I need to talk to someone.

Until later,

Jojo Maddon

Beloved,

"Hmm. Found out that [Demonic Child K] has [Scojoey] now. =o No Surprise. I'm glad Joey went for someone else. =) I bet [Demonic Child K] could make Joey more happier than I ever could. Which I'm glad for. Joey's a good guy... Love Joey to death, and all, but I'm not one to hold on, if someone leaves. =) So I hope all goes well, Joey, and that [Demonic Child K] makes you happy. "

Lmao. I could so add a comment there...but I won't. *Whistles and looks away.* James, you didn't give me a chance. So ... uh. Blame yourself. Lmao. I don't care there. There is nothing in the world that could make me happier than Matty. Nope nope. Matty is my baby. HE gave me his personal information. HE calls me. HE sends me things. HE lets ME send HIM things. Point made? I hope so. Lol.

Note: Matty, my fiancee, that is not the only reason that I love you. I'm just being a smart ass to a certain someone. Lol. I love you for everything that you've given me...a reason to live...a reason to believe in love again...a reason to care...:) Matty, you've made me who I am. I love you with all my heart.

Until later,

Jojo Maddon...:D(GOD I LOVE THAT LAST NAME. LOL)

Beloved,

I think I was "officially" proposed to today. Lol. Matty, baby, the answer is yes. You know that. I know that. Hell.. THE WORLD KNOWS THAT. lol. I love you baby. *Hugs you tightly.*

-Jojo

Beloved,

[{Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on them, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the one who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in fron of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "... that's her."}]

I found that on Mik's diary. The cool thing? That guy does exist...for me anyways. That guy is Mathew. I love him so much. He is my everything. It's great. Omg...he can make me laugh...when no one else could. When I'm talking to him...everything seems so far away. He's always there when I need him...always. *Weak grin.* He is the sweetest and most compassionate person I've ever met...and I love him. He is my everything.

I LOVE YOU MATTY!

Let's see...what else is happening in my life? Oh..MATTY I'LL BE THERE IN TWO MONTHS. :D I'm gone. Goodbye Ashland...goodbye Kansas. YAY. I'm so sick of this shit hole.

My fuckin' step dad is a fucking moron. I can't stand him. He fuckin' makes me feel like I'm NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. He's always told me..."No one will ever want to be with you...you're not good enough...you never will be. You're useless and lazy. No one will ever love you...no one will ever stay with you..."

Well...MATTY...has completely thrown that theory out the window. I'm good enough for him. He wants me. He loves me...he needs me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks...that I'm perfect...and I wish I could put into words what I feel for him. But the feeligns are indescribable. He...is amazing. And I've never had someone so perfect for me.

"Love isn't about finding the perfect person...it's about fiding the imperfect person...perfect."

Amen. Matt...I love you...you are mine...and I am yours. You will always have my heart. I just must ask you to be gentle. As it's been destroyed so many times. I know you'll cherish and keep it safe.

He sent me a package! Lmao. I'm not 100% sure what's all in there...but I know it has a pair of his boxers...and a wife beater sprayed in his cologne. YAY. And incense and CD's. Plus some stuff he cherishes. I can't wait to get it. Should be here tomorrow.

Matty, thank you for making me happy. Thank you for being there. Thank you for loving me when no one else would. Thank you for making me feel beautiful. Thank you for always making me smile...and feel...how...it's meant to feel when you're in love.

Until later,

-Joey (The Future Joey Maddon :D)

Beloved,

When I say I love you I do
But this with you will not do
I need someone I can lean on
Someone I can count on too

Yes you are there sometimes
For that I am grateful to you
But I need someone there full time
And that you can not do

You told me once you loved me
That I could believe in you
I was there when you needed someone
Where were you when I needed someone, too?

The time has come for me to let go
Never to expect you to care again
People may come and people may go
But my love will never end

*Sighs...walks off...sits in the corner alone...scared...tear-ied eyes...*

-Joey

Beloved,

This is to Matty [Demonic Child K] God, I love you so much. :) You mean the world to me. *Hugs you tightly.*

Beloved,

LMAO. Omg that's great. GREAT GREAT GREAT. LMAO!!!! Haha, fuck you too, bitch. :D

Beloved,

ET is a great place. Lmao...

"Sticks and stone may break my bones but whips and chains excite me, so tie me up chain me down and show how much you like me...."

LMAO. Jeez. Haha, I find the most amusing things here. Things that really just crack me up for no apparent reason. Then again, we all know that I'm the stupid one. So maybe it's just me ;)

-Jojo

Beloved,

Once again, I get my hopes up. Once again, I'm utterly destroyed. Once again, my heart opens up and lets one in. Once again, my heart is ripped from my chest...thrown in a blender...and then handed back as a shake. Often times I wonder...if there is a sign above my head. *Sighs.* Am I cursed to repeat this fate over and over and over again? I want James...so bad. But he won't let me have him. He reserves part of him back because of an incident. He holds back my means of contacting him because of the past. What is in the past is in the past. You must learn to say goodbye to yesterday...and open up...and trust. For if you do not, you will never have what you want...If I lived on past incidents I'd be dead. And if not dead, I'd be a person who never talked to anyone. A person who never trusted anyone. A person who never opened up to anyone...for fear of being hurt like I have been in the past.

My life hasn't been peachy. It hasn't been a huge walk in the park. IT'S NOT EASY. *Sighs.* My earliest memories...are of my mother...being beaten. Fists pounding in her face...hair being ripped out... scars...blood...bruises...*Sniffles.* I remember running up to my dad and hitting his leg with my little fists because I was on 2 or 3...and saying "No daddy...no!! don't hurt mommy..." *Cries.*

I am so scared to meet new people. I am so scared to open up. I'm so scared to do any of that. I've been used...over and over again. I'm a ragdoll...one for the world. And frankly, I'm tired of it. But I can't stand up for myself. .. So, I sit alone...by myself with no one else around. *Sighs.*

I want James...I need James. He's the one and I know it. But he doesn't understand that what he considers ridiculous is...important to me. It's like my ideas...my things that I hold important to my life...don't matter. *Sighs again...sits down.*

In the quietness of the moment
I wonder how you are;
We may be far apart in distance
But from my thoughts you are never far.

I don't know what tomorrow holds
The future I cannot see;
So I will take today for what it is worth
And be glad that you love me.

Tomorrow does not stand apart
a shiny brand new day;
It is the tapestry we weave
Made up of yesterdays.

Thank you for sharing with me
A portion of yourself;
I know you will never be mine
But the part you have given to me
Will never belong to anyone else.

So I will try to live my life
Separated by the two;
Doing the things I am supposed to do
And yet always loving you.

Until later,

-Joey

Beloved,

The sharp edge of the razor cuts my skin easily. I'm numb to the pain,numb to the blood, too numb to realize what's happening, to realize what i'm doing. One cut follows another and another 'till I can't stop. Blood drips down my arm, tears roll down my cheeks. What have I done? All I can do is watch my own blood spill. Spill down my body. Gentle drips on the floor, funny, I can so calmly watch my life flow out of me from my veins. I feel cold, I feel hot, I feel and I want more. My razor is invisble, only red is in vision now. Red Warm Love Splatters on the cool floor. Slashes, countless crimson slashes. The razor falls from my hand. Clinks to the floor. I fall with it, curl up and wait. I won't be forsaken this time.

-Joey

Beloved,

La la la LA...WHERE...is my razor...WHERE WHERE WHERE WHERE?! I need Bob tonight. He's the only one who's always been there for me. At least he trusts me. I get more trust out of a piece of metal then real people. How SAD is that? *Looks around for Bob.* THERE YOU ARE...I missed you so...you and I are gonna have some fun tonight...so much fun. I have some new words to carve. It'll be FUN. *Pets Bob gently.* I missed you, my friend...

-Joey