Beloved,

Isn't it odd how things in life can change so quickly? How suddenly hate goes to love...and vice versa? *Sighs.* Things are so hectic right now. Everything is psycho. I mean that. I'm working, partying, making friends, losing friends...it's just...crazy. That's what it is. I'm really not sure how much drama I can take. It's starting to piss me off. And I honestly mean that. Why all the fucking drama? I think it's drawn to me. Lol. Sadly, I think it is. Isn't that great!

Anyways, so I started working at Subway on...Thursday which would have been...the 23 of June I think. Yeah, I think. Maybe. Lmao. Anyways, it's been a lot of fun. But really exhausting. I never realized how much work went into that place to keep it running. My manager told me that as soon as I'm doing with training, she wants to bump me up to a shift manager and give me a raise. I was just like..YES. Lmao. But yeah, that's going good. If you're in Garden, drop by, I'm on the WESTSIDE. Lol. :)

On another note, things have been...really interesting between Brian and I. I'm not sure what's going on. I don't care anymore. Brian didn't want me for anything but a friend, so I'm doing my best to move on. I really am. Anyways, he was gone on Friday, and Sharise, Aubrey, Laura, and I hung out. And we planned a .. "party" for Saturday. Anyways, he got pissed at me and Aubrey for not including him. What he doesn't realize is that regardless of whether they're his friends or not, they're also mine. And also that I haven't been here that long...so, it's not my fault I don't have any other friends here. Give me some time, I'll develop my group. But til then, back the fuck off.

On another note, the last thing I'm going to write about is the most important. Thus being the case of most papers and things, the best is saved for last. It builds a plot and evens it out at the end. SO, the topic of this last paragraph is Cody. *Sighs.* It's...so odd, how crazy I am about him. I don't think I can live without him. I know I can't. I need him like I need air. I love him more than life itself. He is my life and without him I am nothing. We've been talking a lot...and I just want to hold him. Kiss him...*Sighs.* Everything is so screwed up...but that's okay. Cody, no matter what goes down, I'll always love you. Always and forever. You're my kitten, and you'll always be mine...please don't let me go...

*Sings* Coin..Operated Boy..Sitting on the shelf...He is just a toy...But I turn him on...And he comes to life...Automatic joy...That is what I want...Who could ever ever ask for more? Love without complications galore...Many shapes and weights to choose from, I will never ever leave my bedroom...I will never cry at night again...Wrap my arms around him and pretend...Coin-operated boy...All the other real...Ones that I destroy...

Heh. I love that song. Anyways, LOVE YOU CODY! Always.

Until later,

<3 Joey

P.S. Cody...Can I keep you?

Beloved,

I come to you in grief, yet joy. I come to you in an hour of need...and an hour of fulfilling. For in 8 hours I will be taken from this place. From what I've called home for so long. And though, I know I could miss it, I won't.

This town fills you with hopes and dreams, and then crushes them as though it doesn't matter. The people here are closed-minded, not even bothering to offer a hand when one's in need. Yet,...they preach about this hand. The hand that they won't offer.

*Sighs.* So many thoughts racing through my head right now. I'm so pissed, yet so very happy. Phillip has angered me beyond recognition of myself. I can't take the shit from this town anymore. Nor it's empty-headed idiocracies that live here. It's fucked up. I, too, am fucked up, but none compared to this.

Phillip, one day soon you'll see how wrong you were by taking my sister back as whatever the fuck she is to you. You'll understand. One of two things is going to happen soon, for if it doesn't, I will intervene and talk to Brandon. She either will break up with Brandon, or she'll stay the fuck away from you. If neither one of these things happen, then I will be emailing Brandon with photographic proof of her cheating and a long drawn out message. I will not have it.

On top of that, you fuckin' used me to get to her. You said you wouldn't...that you couldn't. And yet, you lie to me. You told me you'd never take her back, and now you're holding hands again as if nothing happened. I see all, I know all, and I can assure you...this charade will end soon enough.

Enough of that shit, I don't need the people of this town and their sorry little problems. I'm moving. I'm leaving my problems here. Somewhere ... that they belong. *Sighs.* I hope everyone in this town is happy. You've made me the psychotic freak that I am today. For it's your fault that I cut. That I have disorders. I blame no other but YOU. This..contamination of filth and pollutants over taking me and preventing my happiness. No more, I say. No more. I won't stand for it.

*Slowly retreats into closed off mansion.* At least in here, I'm safe from your tortures. I won't be hurt here. No more will I open myself up to your cruelties. No more will I try and impress you and make you understand me. For it's not me that needs to be understood, it's you.

As far as Phillip, if you're reading this, I want you to know I don't hate you. But at this point in time, Fuck you. You used me. You lied to me. You made me feel like shit. And the saddest part of all of that? You don't even care. You have what you want. You have your "little piece of ass" ... but soon, she'll have you. You'll be in a bind and wish you were dead. And nobody will be there, and it'll be your fault...and your fault only.

Until later,

</3 Joey

Beloved,

An edited poem...Yeah. *Sighs.* Life sucks...

He knows he’s not totally alone.
Every once in a while,
dull, lifeless words appear here and there,
giving him the 5 seconds of comfort they were intended for,
before slipping away,
not forgotten, but not meant to be remembered.

He always tries to smile but is finding it harder and harder,
as day by day,
his whole world crashes down around him.

Soon,
He feels completely isolated and cold.
His only friends being a blank sheet of blue lines,
separating his thoughts, dreams, and fears.

Soon,
He gains another friend,
a cheap,
black,
dollar-store pen.

The more and more he writes,
the better he gets to know himself,
and soon,
he gains yet another friend.

A sharp,
lifeless,
deadly,
silver blade.

He hides the blade in his room,
secretly,
yet proudly.

Soon the blade compels him,
as he can see, hear, taste, or feel nothing...
nothing but the blade.

He writes his farewell,
and gives it a kiss,
the taste of poison and death at his lips.

Shaking,
yet,
not really knowing
what exactly he’s scared of,
he lets blood ooze down his arm,
his vision blurs
and soon,
he completely blacks out.

As death soaks into his veins,
it impales every last bit of love in his heart,
and kills every pinch of hope in his soul.

Three last words escape his breath.
Not intended to be heard by anyone,
but addressed to the world.

Once a little boy,
now a morbid soul,
He lies there,
waiting,
for his fate to unfold.

</3 Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* Yada, yada, yada. "And that's the way love is. It leaves you feeling hated and despised...no matter how it ends." Yeah, very true at this point in time. Oh well, I never expected caring people anyways. I don't need them. I'll just keep my walls high. Protect myself from their abuse. Keep the pain within, and live with a fake smile on my face...that's what they want...that's what they'll get.

Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.

I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.

Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.

The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.

If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.

I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.

You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.

Until later, I guess...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

What happens when you're threatened repeatedly...I'll tell you, it pisses you off. I don't know though, I don't really give a fuck anymore. Don't bother me a bit.

Anyways, can't say that I've had a worse night then tonight, but ya know, it doesn't matter. My life is perfect. I have the perfect boyfriend, the perfect house, the perfect clothes AND haircut. Not to mention I have my own store and fashion line, and my own tanning booth. Oh, and we can't forget my huge ass pool with my mansion. *Grins fakely.* EVERYTHING IS SO PERFECT!!!

Right...the truth means nothing for one who doesn't believe it...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Everything is perfect! Life is beautiful. I get flowers from secret admirers all the time. I have a huge party with hundreds of friends that all love me. It will be perfect, because my life is perfect. There is no flaw in me. Just cute little mess-ups every now and then. Just today, I woke up from a beautiful dream in which I was pampered and loved by all. And then I went downstairs and was greeted by my family whom all love me...heh.

And then there's the truth...but we don't want to ruin perfection, now do we?

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Meaningless words in an imaginary world. Words of fake happiness and joy to cover up the pain. To hide sorrow in the underbrush. Laughter drowned out by screaming tears. Happiness...once held dear...now dead. No love. No need. All is gone.

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Hurtful tears in a heartless world mean nothing...to anybody...unless it's you crying those tears...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Early in the morning when the birds begin to chirp...can you find my heart? When the sun peaks slowly above the horizon...do you see my soul? In mid afternoon, when the sun is ablaze, can you feel the warmth that radiates from my being? When the sun slowly begins to set, can you see my hopes slowly fleeting? When the moon in her elegant beauty appears, can you hear my heartfelt cries?

No, you can't. And do you know why? It's because you don't listen. It's because you don't look. It's because you don't feel. Your sense of security lies in habits and people. Mine lies in full-fledged psychotic episodes and myself. I need not what this silly world has to offer.

If you look carefully upon my face, you can see the tears. Hidden beneath the mask that so closely covers the real me, .. but if you look...you can see the glimmer. Through my daily charades...if you watch closely...can you see that I'm dying inside? Can you see that I'm in pain...more pain than you could ever imagine? I see and hear things you wouldn't have nightmares about. Yet, I push on...knowing that somewhere...something has to give.

I must admit, I was hugely disappointed tonight. But alas, that's my fault. I expected something that would never happen. *Giggles at self.* *Taunts self.* You're so stupid, Joey...always hoping for things that can't happen. Always trying to dream when you know that your life is hell...and can only be hell. Shame on you for ever thinking you'd get above it. You're stuck down here...forever.

*Sighs.* But that's okay...even though I'm alone...I still embrace myself. Even though I'm crazy...I still find myself sound. For it's in my made up little world that I find peace. An altered reality that only exists inside my head. And lucky for all of you, you don't see the real me. For if you did...you'd realize..."He...should be dead...."

</3 Joey

Beloved,

I just have to post the diary entry that Sandra posted of her and I in her diary. SOOOO...lmfao. Here it is. It's funnier than shit. Lmfao. Love you Sugar...:)

"Okay....So....I was talking to my Friend Jojo...And he had me laughing so hard my mom came in and almost fucking killed me. It was great. This is what old people are NOT like...Usually..

Earlier...Jojo's Grandma called. Him and her were on the phone for 8 minutes. He comes back after a while and says...It's Grandma. She never fucking shuts up....Yeah and then he went on about how he was on the phone for 8 minutes, and for 5 of them all she said was "Uhm"...And I suppose she kept changing the subject...Like...She talked about the weather...and then a few "Uhm's" and then she would move on to tea :)...This made me die...of laughter. OMG it was fucking great....

So he leaves for a while and comes back. Grandma calls again...Here is the conversation.


Scojoey06: IT WAS THE CRAZY BITCH
Scojoey06: <3
latina87baby: Who?
latina87baby: Grandma?
Scojoey06: She wanted to know if we'd heard anything.
Scojoey06: Yes.
Scojoey06: That ... weirdo
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: if we hear anything grandma we'll call you
Scojoey06: fer fuck's sake
Scojoey06: LEAVE ME ALONE
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: The caller ID fucked up
Scojoey06: or I wouldn't have answered it!
latina87baby: hahaha
latina87baby: Go figure
Scojoey06: God.
Scojoey06: Stupid caller ID
Scojoey06: from now on
Scojoey06: if it messes up
Scojoey06: I ain't answering.
latina87baby: lol
Scojoey06: I'll be like...uh uh...fuck it
Scojoey06: You can leave a message.
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: Have you heard anything?
Scojoey06: No..
Scojoey06: That's odd I wish...uhm
Scojoey06: uhm
Scojoey06: uhm
Scojoey06: uhm...
Scojoey06: Is it going to rain there tonight?
Scojoey06: What the hell are you smokin' WOMAN?
latina87baby: She'll be on the answering machine "Uhm...uhm...Hi Joey...I just wanted to call and check up on you...uhm....uhm...uhm...
latina87baby: "
Scojoey06: EXACTLY
Scojoey06: And if it's her...
Scojoey06: I'll fuckin' delete the message.
Scojoey06: WOOT WOOT
Scojoey06: magick fingers
latina87baby: lmao
Scojoey06: What part of "You have an annoying voice, can't think, and talk too much" don't you understand deary?>
latina87baby: LMAO
latina87baby: hahaha
latina87baby: OMG
Scojoey06: LOL
Scojoey06: God.
Scojoey06: I swear.
Scojoey06: It's no wonder I have so many fuckin' disorders.
Scojoey06: I have to put up with people like her on a weekly basis.
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: I swear...if it were more than 30 minutes a week
latina87baby: hahahahahaha
Scojoey06: I'd die.
Scojoey06: Just fall over dead.
Scojoey06: AHHHHHH STOPPPPP
latina87baby: *Dies lauging*
Scojoey06: SHUUUT UPPP
Scojoey06: lmfao
Scojoey06: God, grandma's are supposed to be sweet little old women...
Scojoey06: Not fuckin' annoying brainless stalkers..
Scojoey06: FUCK
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: Haha.
Scojoey06: I'mma cry.
Scojoey06: Lol.
Scojoey06: You better not post this conversation anywhere.
latina87baby: Do you mind if I put parts of this convo in my journal?
Scojoey06: She might find it...
Scojoey06: LMAO!
Scojoey06: I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA SAY IT
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: I KNEW IT
Scojoey06: no, not at all
Scojoey06: I'd be honored.
Scojoey06: lmao
Scojoey06: I've never been in anyone's journal convo wise.
latina87baby: lol
latina87baby: ok
latina87baby: Hold on...I'll work it
Scojoey06: Here grandma...take your medicine and arsenic...
Scojoey06: lmao
Scojoey06: GRANDMA WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE WEED!!!?
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: Lmao
Scojoey06: Fuckin' looney psycho.
Scojoey06: One day...she'll ... not be able to talk.
Scojoey06: And the world will sing.
latina87baby: LMFAO
Scojoey06: LOL
Scojoey06: God...I'm a bit mean.
Scojoey06: I'm in a funny mood.
Scojoey06: I think it's because I've talked to her TWICE today.
Scojoey06: AHHHHHHH
Scojoey06: Once a fuckin' week is too much...
Scojoey06: so she calls TWICE
latina87baby: IN A DAY
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: She knew I was by myself...
Scojoey06: "I think I'll call and see how he's doing..."
Scojoey06: I'm fuckin' fine...
Scojoey06: Thank you and goodbye.
Scojoey06: But no...you can't be abridged with Grandmas...
Scojoey06: no no
Scojoey06: Oh well, soon she won't have my number.
Scojoey06: MUHAHAHAHA.
Scojoey06: Aud I sure as hell ain't visiting her....
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: Unless she like...gets alzheimers...which isn't far off.
latina87baby: you would go crazy
Scojoey06: Then she'd be funny.
Scojoey06: My OTHER grandma got alzheimers.
Scojoey06: Now she's hilarious.
latina87baby: FUCKIN A
Scojoey06: Like...
latina87baby: lmfao
Scojoey06: We were at our old house.
Scojoey06: And she was outside looking around
Scojoey06: and I went out
Scojoey06: and was like
Scojoey06: "What are you looking for Granms?"
Scojoey06: "The house...where's the house...?"
Scojoey06: AND IT'S RIGHT FUCKIN' BEHIND HER.
latina87baby: Lmfao
latina87baby: hahahahaha
Scojoey06: OMG...and then this one time. It was...around 3 in the morning.
Scojoey06: SHE RANDOMLY WENT AROUND THE HOUSE TURNING ALL THE LIGHTS ON
Scojoey06: And my mom was like "Mom...what are you looking for" quietly whispering...
Scojoey06: No response.
Scojoey06: Then a little louder, "MOM...what are you looking for?!"
Scojoey06: Still nothing.
Scojoey06: *Freezer door opens.*
Scojoey06: "MOM WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?!?!"
Scojoey06: "I'M TRYING TO FIND THE BATHROOM!!!"
Scojoey06: lmfao
Scojoey06: And one time.
Scojoey06: LMfao.
Scojoey06: She had her dentures on the table.
Scojoey06: And she looked at them.
Scojoey06: And she goes
Scojoey06: "What is that...chicken?"
Scojoey06: LMFAO

Now this is funny.... Joey has a great sense of humor. It's terribly mean...but he is so fucking funny... I think I love him...Not like that, but you get tha picture..

Normally, he's right...Old people are sweet and quiet...But not his grandmothers..Obviously. I am laughing even as I type this..Because he is seriously funny. I've never heard such weird shit before....OMG I love it. Anyways...Yeah...I ahd to place this convo for you people to laigh at...because its sooo funny :)....to me it is :)

Anyways....Gotta go....TTYL

~Sandra"

And there you have it. Lmfao. GOD I'm mean. Oh well, it was funny. LOVE YOU SANDY BEAR!!!

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Well, just heard a song for the first time, and it made me cry. How pathetic is that? *Sighs.* God, I'm just...feeling so alone right now. I'm...so...I don't know. But whatever it is, it isn't good. Anyways, just thought I'd post the song and lyrics...

Natalie - Goin' Crazy

Ever since the day you went away
And left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same
Oh baby no
When I looked into your eyes
The moment that I let you go I just broke down (down)

Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again I would sacrifice
'Cause the feelin that I feel within no other man
Would ever make me feel so right

It's nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And I miss the way you hold me tight

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

That's right baby
Im goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you it's been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
Can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me
And you want me
And you miss me
And you love me
I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
Put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you
Crazy over you I'm calling
Callin' out to you
What am I gonna do?
It's true no frontin'
It's you ain't no other
I can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down (down)

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

ooo, crazy,(ooo)
lady (ooo)
lately (ooo)
Baby

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* No, no, no...*SIIIIIGHS.* There, that's a bit better. Well, I cried...1...2...3...4...5 ... times since I got back from Garden City. I'm just...freaking out. Nobody ever keeps promises they make to me. NOBODY. And it scares me. 'cause I trust Bri and I don't want to lose him. Although, I highly doubt it'll happen that way. Knowing my luck, I'll fuck it up. Just like I always do. Sometimes being a fuck up really gets old, ya know? *Grumbles.*

Well, I dyed my hair something plum and you can't really tell unless I'm in the light. But it looks cool. I like it. It was subtle for the first time I've ever dyed it. Which is what I wanted. My next one will be dramatic. "Things always work out in the end..." Oh shut up stupid voice in my head. You don't know what you're talking about.

I got to talk to Brian tonight...which was nice. It was wonderful hearing voice...now if I could just cuddle with him..but I can't...cause I'm not there...I'm here. *Bites lip...* I-..*Sighs.* Nothing. Nevermind. I'm not going to do it. Love is evil. I hate it. It messes with your head. GRR. I won't be able to sleep tonight. I just know it. 'cause Bri isn't there beside me. I feel empty when he's not around.

Apparently after babers got home, he got depressed. All I've been doing is complaining about me...I haven't considered what kind of effect this is having on him. I know he loves me. I know he wants me around. I'm his sunshine just as he is mine. I'm just not used to it, I guess. Being wanted back. It's odd. All of my relationships have been about me wanting someone...but them not wanting me...or the other way around. NEVER has anyone wanted me at the same time I wanted them. It's...different. But in a very nice kinda way.

Hmm. Brevity is a virtue...unfortunately, it's not a virtue that I possess. So I will continue to ramble on and say whatever pops into my head. Let's see. What to say, what to say. Well, I know I'm going to put a poem at the end of this, I just haven't decided upon the topic. Should be interesting, though.

Hmm...let's talk about why Brian is perfect. And no, not as a lover...but as a person. Heh. Just thinking about him makes me grin. He has such a beautiful face. And the most gorgeous eyes. He's sweet...and caring. Considerate beyond belief. Yet, at the same time, has an evil side if he's not feeling well. He has the nicest hands...heh. God, I'm obsessed. I need shot. SHOT I TELL YOU.

NEXT! How about...we talk about something more of an interest to you. Even though I don't know who you are, I bet you're wondering something. I bet you're wondering how someone like me is single. I'll tell you why. One, I'm not as perfect as I seem. I'm moody...difficult to understand. Rarely open up. Few people know the real me...and most that day stay the hell away from me. I'm cranky ... depressed easily. I'm suicidal...some days...most days. Okay, point number two. I'm not desirable. I know you're like, "BUT YOU ARE!!!" No, I'm not. And if you knew me...REALLY knew me, you wouldn't think that.

I think about things constantly. I'm too analytical most of the time. "Anal retentive" as my art teacher would put it. :) But that's okay. With my analytical nature comes the gift of observance. Something few people bother to even use. For instance, empathy. I'm easily influenced by the moods of others. I know what they're feeling. And it rubs off on me. I tend to know what people want...and what they think. Scary most of the time,...yet, very cool.

*Sighs.* I'm avoiding what I'm really feeling. Cuz if I talk about it, I'm going to start crying. I don't know. I'm just...I feel so alone right now. *Tears form at eyes.* *Sighs.*

You turned my darkness into light;
You made everything all right.
You picked me up when I was down;
You turned my life around.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A blessing is what you are to me.

When I needed you the most, you were there;
Even if it seemed like you didn't care.
When I didn't think I could make it another day,
You chased all my doubts away.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A treasure is what you are to me.

The world is full of many people, it's true;
But there is only one of you.
You fill my heart with love;
You're a God-sent gift from above.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
An angel is what you are to me.

Lost and alone, I will no longer be;
Because you are here with me.
There is no reason to be sad;
You've taken away all the bad.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A best friend is what you are to me!!

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Well, turns out Bri's gonna take me back today...*Sighs.* I just wish that I knew what he was thinking...how he felt...so I can know whether to..nevermind. Anyways, he told me that he'll be there to pick me up on my 18th b-day June 9th. So in 11 days. I guess that's not so bad. I just don't want to go that long without him. *Weak grin.* But it's not important what I want. I'm just some silly boy....

I wish that I could put into words how I felt right now...Angry?...Sad?...Alone?...Hateful..?...Well, not hateful 'cause I don't hate him...If anything I love him too much. It just seems that sometimes it doesn't really matter how I feel and it makes me angry. I left the bed and instead of him coming in here and seeing what was up, he just laid there. How much does he care? *Sighs.* I wish that he'd just tell me that he hates me so I can just try and move on. But no,...it's gonna be long and drawn out. But then again, maybe he loves me..ha..haha..hah. Love isn't like that. It's not kind. It's not caring. It's mean..and cruel. And it hurts you more than you could ever imagine.

Anyways, like I said, he's taking me back today and "promises" he's coming back to get me on the ninth. I don't buy it. I want to, but I've been hurt far too many times to be naive enough to even CONSIDER trying to believe it. He's just going to talke me up there and forget about me. I know he is..

Why does life have to be so damn confusing? Yes, he needs some space to make decisions, but what he doesn't realize is that I .. need him. I told myself I'd never trust again this easily. That I'd keep my walls high and not lower them for anyone. Yet, I've done it again. I'm grovelling before him. I have none of his heart...but he has all of mine..He doesn't realize the control that he has over me. When will I stop being stupid?

Probably when I'm dead. Which, I can assure you, probably isn't far off. *Sighs.* Oh well, though, ya know? It won't be any huge loss to society I'm sure.

Here's a poem I wrote last night...

Trust

Trusting is so hard
When all you've been is hurt
Thrown aside when I needed most
Thrown aside and treated as dirt

What happens when
There's nothing left to give?
When all your world is crumbling
and you don't want to live?

So give me a reason to trust
When everyone betrays you
Just one reason why
And I'll try to believe you

It's hard to not know
Exactly what you feel
When you won't vocalize
It's hard for me to deal

It hurtsfor me to love you
When I have so little left to give
So tell me that you love me, too
And give me a reason to live...

Welp, there it is boys and girls. *Sighs.* Corny?..probably. Stupid?...Definately. But the truth is also in that poem. The hope that's in my heart. The one that says, "There's good in all people...open up and give freely of yourself...you can't hold back when it comes to love." Then the stark realization that I used to live that way and look where it got me. OCD, bi-polar, a cutter, a burner, and anorexic/bulimic. Hah. Open and give freely. That makes me giggle.

Until later,

<3 Joey

P.S. Bri, regardless of where this whole...shitty situation takes us, I will always love you. Never forget that...*Weak grin.* Thank you for making my life better. For giving me sun when I only had clouds.

Beloved,

Well...I warned every party involved in the "domestic" situation at my house. I warned EACH and EVERY one of them...that if shit continued as it was going...I'd leave...And...I did.

I'm currently in Garden City, where I'll hopefully be for some time. I'm staying with the sweetest guy I know...Brian. *Grins.* It's crazy. I told myself never again. And yet, here I am. That stupid...jumpy heart thing. That annoying horniness at every touch ... haha. I hope he ain't readin' this...lol!

Anyways, yeah, so I've been here. And it's awesome. No shit. Just me and Bri and occassional friends of Bri. AWESOME people I might add.

Do you know the best feeling in the world? Of course you don't. But I do, and I'mma elaborate for you. The best feeling in the world isn't the butterflies you get when you look at that person. It isn't loving that person so much that your biggest fear is losing them. It's not hugs, kisses, or cuddling. So...you're probably asking...what is it? The best feeling in the world...is being safe in someone's arms. And KNOWING that you're safe and that nothing bad can happen. Those are the moments that you should grab a hold of and try to keep.

*Sighs.* I can't put into words how much Brian means to me. I mean...nevermind, I'm worried he's gonna read this and like...get mad and not feel the same way. That's one of the worst feelings. Those thoughts about where that person might get fed up with you. Scares the hell outta me cuz I know how easy it is to lose someone. If I lost Bri, I'd go insane.

Brian, I want to tell you so much to your face what you mean to me, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why. I'm just...ashamed? Scared? Worried? I don't know if any of those words are right, it's sort of a mixture of them all. Not knowing how you feel about me is killing me. I'm constantly stuck being so happy, and yet, being so sad I'm almost in tears. Bri, I love you. I do...*Weak grin.* Please don't be mad......

ANYWAYS...lol. I got alcohol last night...teee heee...lmao. I had three cosmopolitans...uhm...baja mountain dew with vodka, vodka shots...that was fun. Lol. It burned so bad. OMG..ow. And a screwdriver. (Orange juice and Vodka.) Yeah, we got Smirnoff Vodka last night...fun fun. TEE HE. I went BEZERK...but so did he, so I guess it's okay. Lol.

Uhm...uhm...what else. OH...me and Bri went to the zoo. That was lotsa fun. TALK ABOUT SOME CREEPY BIRDS. LMFAO. Dude, when we were there, these monkeys were mating...and the reason we knew this wasn't because we could see them...we could fuckin' hear them. They fuckin' reached ORGASM...LMFAO. And then it went silent. It was sooo funny.

Anyways, I think that's all for now...NO...I'll put a poem on here...:)

You don't know how I'm feeling.
I have yet to vocalize
Desire deep inside me.
Can you see it in my eyes?

I tremble when I'm near you
Heat travels up my thighs
and I want you with an urgency
That I just can't describe.

Dare I reach out to touch you?
Do you think you'd realize
How much I want and need you?
Can you see it in my eyes?

I long to say, "I love you,"
But am scared of your reply.
Terrified like a child
I've become paralyzed.

The camouflaged emotions
Lead to pain and silent cries.
And yet I just can't tell you.
Don't you see it in my eyes?

Confessing through this poem
My dilemma summarized.
The feeling's quite cathartic,
But will lead to my demise.

Until later,

<3 Joey (In love)

P.S. HAPPY NOW MIK? Lol. Love ya. :)

Beloved,

Well, I love this song by Brandy. I don't know why...as I hate Brandy...but I like the song...the meaning behind it I think. *Shrugs.* Maybe I'm just weird...that's possible. Lol.

Well, how am I doing...you're probably wondering. I'm doing okay now...I realized that things weren't all my fault after all...and that it's better to trust your instincts then live in something that doesn't feel right.

Anyways, yeah, just thought I'd update and leave the lyrics to that song.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Whatever you want, I got it, Papi
Don't hesitate, holla at me
What I'm lookin' for
Is simple, you see
Love and support and sexuality
When I'm with you, I don't wanna leave
I need you just like air that I breathe
But when I'm not with you, I'm missing a piece
I got a lot inside I need to release

You fulfill my every desire
When I'm with you, you take me higher (Wooo woo whoo)

[chorus]
You're my afrodisiac
You're the only one I'm needin'
When I go, I'll come back
'Cause there is no way I'm leavin'
You're my afrodisiac
You're the only one I'm needin'
When I go, I'll come back
'Cause there is no way I'm leavin'

There is no way you are gettin' away
I need your love every day
Medicine can't cure the way that I feel
What I need is my inner fill
Being without you, it's makin' me ill
Stressin' me out, I need to chill
Something this strong, gotta be real
Nothing or noone, show my skills

You fulfill my every desire
When I'm with you, you take me higher (Wooo woo whoo)

[chorus]

I admit that I'm a prisoner of your sex appeal (sex appeal)
I can't seem to find a way to escape how I feel (how I feel)
I can't wait no longer, please come give a dose to me (dose to me)
Craving's gettin' stronger, need you now, close to me

[chorus 2x]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Peace and love,

<3 Joey

Special little note to Alex: Heh. Thought I'd put you in here cuz you're helping me a lot, love. I appreciate your listening and support. :) *Hugs you.* Life can only go up. And it is thanks to you. Love you!

Beloved,

Wow. It's amazing how fast things can go from into control to out of control. One minute, everything's fine and life is completely in order. Next minute, things are strewn everywhere and everything's fucked up. *Sighs.* I guess it doesn't help things...when you, yourself, are a fuck up. But, ya know, ya gotta deal with that sometimes.

I cut last night for the first time in six months. First time in so long...and I can honestly say, that when I did it, I felt nothing. *Sighs.* My safety switch in that activity has been turned to "off." It doesn't work anymore....No more. I don't have something that'll make me feel better...

What makes matters worse is that I don't have someone here for me. Not here here. God, I hate this fucking town...this house...this state. Goddess. WHY...

But I guess I'm to blame. Just ask anyone. They'll tell you that everything that's happened is my fault. I'm the one to blame. I "brought" this upon myself. It's my fault I have disorders...and mental problems. It's my fault I'm always depressed. Or that I have trust issues. It's my fault that everything goes wrong. All of it.

I could fall into a huge pit of self-pity right now, but ya know what? I'm not going to. Because I'm better than that. I don't need pity...or compassion from anyone. I need to accept me for me. Screw what everyone else thinks.

Mikki blew up on me tonight...about her needing room to "breathe." I fuckin' gave her three months. ISN'T THAT LONG ENOUGH?! Guess not. I'll make it another three. I don't need anyone. I'll find myself ... by myself.

And that's how it's gonna be. Ta da. There...you happy now, everyone? I don't need you...that's right. I don't. Most of you (not all ... there are a few exceptions) disgust me. You come to me with your fuckin' problems and then don't give a shit about mine. So...other than the few people I really do care about, how bout you don't talk to me anymore. Sounds good to me. Cuz I don't need you. I need you like I need another hole in the head. I DON'T.

Anyone who calls my house that is on my "off" list will not be responded to. I'm not gonna talk to you. And you know why? Because YOU brought it on yourself. It's not my fault. It's yours. YOURS. Remember that.

A song by Hilary Duff that makes sense right about now...(Which never happens...I HATE her...but this song is good...)

In a moment, everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute, all the world can wait
Let go of your yesterday

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing
And take control?

[chorus]
Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cause it's your time
Time to fly

All your worries, leave them somewhere else
Find a dream you can follow
Reach for something, when there's nothing left
And the world's feeling hollow

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing
And take control?

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cause it's your time
Time to fly

And when you're down and feel alone
Just wanna run away
Trust yourself and don't give up
You know you better than anyone else

In a moment, everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute, all the world can wait
Let go of yesterday

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try

Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
Cause it's your time
Time to fly

In a moment, everything can change


Oh...and a shout out to all the people I currently care about right now. Josh(B), Carly, Sarah, Jordan(Queen Jojo), Alex(N), Steve, Eva & Robin W., and to whomever I forgot, I'm extremely sorry. I love you all very much. Special shot out to Josh(Don't know your last name, babe...You're my lapdancer..:D)...I love you babe...

And that's all for tonight, munckins!

<3 Joey

(Single...yet again...)

Beloved,

*Sighs.* Wow. .. That's all I have to say...fuckin'...wow. GRR. Omg, anger...resentment...hate...loneliness. EVERYTHING...Omg. .. I hate lows. HATE HATE HATE HATE THEM. CURSE THIS DISEASE. AND IT'S EFFECTS ON MY MENTALITY...curse it to hell. *Sighs.* *Starts to cry.* Why do I have to be stupid? Why does everyone intentionally want to piss me off? Am I just...FUN to piss off? God damn it. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT. *Sighs again.*

I wish I could cut. But it's so pointless. It doesn't do what it used to. Believe me, I know from trying. Oh well, though. Sometimes...I wish that I could fall asleep...and never...ever...wake up. I'm so tired of waking up. Of putting on my fuckin mask and trying to make it through another day. I'm so scared. Scared about so many things. I can't believe...nevermind. That will not be discussed here. Too many people know me...know...*Looks around.* I'll make another diary on diaryland. One where I can express myself freely without ANYONE knowing who I am. That'll be scary. But I think It'll help.

*Hums softly.*

Wish I had what I needed...
To be on my own...
Cuz I'm feeling defeated...
And I'm feeling alone...

And it all seems so hopeless...
And I've got no plans...
I'm a plane in the sunset...
With nowhere to land...

Let me know that you need me...
Let me know you're touch...
Let me know that you love me...
Let that be enough...

*Sighs again.*

Why...do I have these ups and downs? I wish I knew the cause of my disorder. So I could fix it. I just ... I just want to be normal. I want to ... know what I want. To fit in without having to try. I want to be spontaneous...without having to think EVERYTHING over before I do something. I just want to stop thinking ... I want to live on the edge. *Sighs.*

Whatever.

-Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* I see you, there, M. I see you there, sad and depressed...feeling alone...and scared. Not knowing what you'll do next. I understand your plight, love. I've been down that road as well. I walked a lonely road...by myself. Whether it was because no one was there or because I didn't want anyone around to help me, it doesn't matter. I was alone. Utterly...alone.

Just as you are now, love. Just as you are now...scared. Alone. Seeked out by all...but listened to by few. I understand. I do. You aren't alone in how you are feeling. You never have been. You, love, are beautiful. In every way. But there's something...something that's keeping you from seeing that beauty. His name be Josh...he has taken your heart. And you won't take it back.

Things with him will never change. He's always going to be an ass, love. Don't expect different. Don't hope he'll change. Drastic times call for drastic measures. *Weak grin.* I know that my advice means nothing now...but someday soon, you'll understand what I mean when I say, "With time...comes understanding."

In order to understand...one must experience. And you're at the brink of exploration. Or understanding. Because whether you want to or not, those experiences in which you want no part in, will soon be upon you. You have no choice but to live in them. To accept them. Even embrace them. Because our experiences...bad and good...they're what makes us...us. I'm sorry I can't hug you and whisper in your ear that everything is going to be alright. I wish I could be the one to capture all your tears...

M, I love you. I always will. Keep your head up, love. Everything will be okay.

You entered my life like a gentle sigh,
like a quiet breeze blowing softly through the leaves.
You were a stranger first, one who laughed freely and easily,
who spoke of minor intimacies and common grounds,
who made me feel strangely liked and valued.
You became my friend, no longer a stranger,
trusting me with secrets hidden,
confiding what you liked and hated.
We talked and laughed and, as time passed by,
I grew more and more dependent upon your smile.

From strangers to friends was just a baby step,
a step a thousand others take every day.
Without your trust and trusting ways,
without your smiles and encouraging gaze,
I would never have taken the step beyond.
But the gentle breeze blowing through the leaves
is relentless and never ending.
We became closer friends, and closer still,
until much of my life was centered around the times
we spent together.

We traveled far along the path of friendship,
avoiding the bumps somehow, never stumbling,
always in step with one another.
You were my guide, my eyes and ears,
the unfailing light that lit the road before us.
Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder,
you brought me along our course,
to a destination I had never seen before.
You became my best friend along that journey,
the anchor in my life where none had ever been.

You did a good job of guiding our steps,
a job no other could ever do,
and it wasn't your fault, really, when I stumbled.
Somewhere along our path,
perhaps where the heights were making me dizzy with joy,
I simply lost my balance and fell.
By the grace of God, I fell not to either side, nor to the rear,
but fell instead forward, along the path we'd tread.
My plunge forward was unguided, and my steps were steps you never intended.
I fell in love with you.

From strangers, to friends, to close friends, to best friends.
And beyond.
I've never been sorry for any step we've taken together,
no, not even for the fall I took alone.
I never knew, before knowing you, how empty my life had been.
I thought I was happy. I thought I was successful.
I thought I had known love and all that love can bring.
But the gentle breeze, blowing softly through the leaves,
carries the smell of wild flowers and still wilder beasts,
and what you brought into my life can never be assessed.

We are so very different, you and I. And yet so much the same.
And our differences merge with our similarities,
giving rise to something special and unique.
We talk.
Of all the things I value about this thing that is us,
and there are so many I often lose count,
I value most the way we talk about any thing any time any where.
And each time I listen to you, each time I ponder what you've said,
I learn something new. About you. About me. About the world.
I've learned to trust in your instincts.

I love the vitality and zest that is so much a part of you.
I never would have believed the breeze, blowing softly through the leaves,
could be so filled with life.
I treasure that spark of spirit in you,
that flashing flare of fire that animates all that you do.
It's easy to see how much you love life,
even when life is sometimes less than lovable,
and that love is always mirrored in your eyes and smile.
You are never more beautiful than when that spark ignites
and your vitality blazes in your happy face.

And, yes, I love your beauty, shallow as that may sound.
I love the way your eyes change from blue to blue-green,
the way the morning sun catches afire in your hair,
the way your nostrils move when you breathe deep breaths,
the way your tongue slips out of its safe harbor when you think deep thoughts.
I love the curve of your cheek,
that soft milky canvas for the faint scar you won't talk about.
I love your tiny eyelashes, the small gaps in your teeth,
the way your earlobes hang lower than mine.
Your beauty truly takes my breath away.

I love the way you trust in me, never quite whole hearted,
but always just enough.
That trust started as a small seed, I think,
a tentative whisper of unearned confidence,
often shrouded by a cloak of hesitation and unsurety.
I could always tell when you faltered,
when the steps we took were uncertain and questioned.
And yet still you trusted me,
with your secrets, with your feelings, with yourself.
You'll never know how much that trust has meant to me.

I love the way you understand me too well.
It's uncanny sometimes how well you know my thoughts, my feelings, my moods,
frightening at times how closely our lives have become interlinked.
You know so much of me, secrets I've never told,
thoughts I've never shared, parts of me I've never seen myself.
You've discovered a window into my being,
a window I didn't know was there,
a window no one else has ever found.
It's almost as if our two souls have merged into one,
almost as if the hand of God has repaired that which once was broken.

I love the way we have fun doing the strangest things,
or the way we can enjoy each other doing nothing at all.
We shop and walk, eat and talk,
playing games apart and united.
We study and drill, work and play,
listening to music and singing the words together.
We have fun with each other,
frolicking in our shared pleasures,
you enjoying the thrill of life,
me just enjoying you.

I'm not blinded by my love, though, and know you are not perfect.
You are impatient and easy to anger,
too intolerant when you should tolerate,
too forgiving when you shouldn't forgive.
You allow the stresses of life to mold your day,
allow the commitments of life to shape your way.
I know your imperfections as well as your perfections,
know your faults as well as your assets.
And I find I love you not in spite of those,
but as much because of them as anything else.

Your life has touched mine.
My friendship with you, my love for you,
all that you are and aren't,
have changed my life in ways you cannot fathom,
in ways I could never describe in depth.
The gentle breeze, blowing softly through the leaves,
has worked her wondrous magic,
transforming the one she touched.
I'm not the same man I was a year ago.
I will never be that man again.

The communication we've shared has taught me to value our honest openness,
and I know I'll never be satisfied again with less.
Your trust in me has taught me to trust in you,
knowing you will never intentionally cause me pain.
Your spark of vitality has transformed the way I see life,
giving me reason again to live and cause to celebrate.
Your beauty, both inner and outer, has renewed the wonder
with which I see the world, and has restored my sense of awe.
Even the fun we share, that senseless sense of joy,
has changed the way I live and think.

As much as you've altered my present, though,
the effect you've had on my future is just as great.
I once thought I knew what love meant to me,
once thought I had experienced all that life had to offer.
I lived and I loved, and I hurt and I grew,
and I believed I could never love again,
could never willingly face the pain of caring.
Love was a myth, I thought, and true love, lasting love,
was just a lie told by poets.
But I was wrong.

In learning to love you, I discovered I've never loved before.
Not truly. Not entirely. Not eternally.
I've spent much of my life in love with love,
searching for the fulfillment of a concept,
caring more for caring than caring for another person.
I confused lust with love, intimacy with affection.
And when those feelings waned, when the relationships died,
I wondered why I felt so empty. So hurt.
You changed that, as you've changed so much else.
You taught me how to love.

I wish you knew the me of before,
as you know so well the me of today,
so you could see the difference knowing you has made.
You've changed my life in so many ways,
in ways small and ways important,
in ways you'll never know nor understand.
The impact you've had on me,
on the way I feel and think and act,
will endure forever. Until the end of time.
Like a quiet breeze blowing softly through the leaves.

Until later,

Joey

Beloved,

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find no rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete
Incomplete

Hmm. Well, this isn't to Matty. Not to anyone actually. I don't even know why I put it here. HMMM. Oh well, just stupid I guess. I'll live. :)

-Joey