Beloved,

Wow. 14 long days since I've graced your pages with my torment and toils. My joys...my woes...and everything that makes up me. It doesn't seem as though it's been two weeks...but it has...and...*Sighs.* Yeah. I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be writing here...I want to just sob and be held by someone. Just to feel someone's warm touch wrapped around me as I cry all the hurt away. But I don't have that...I want a boyfriend. A companion...and I can't have that. It's not meant to be. "Don't look...it'll find you." Yeah? Bullshit. Nobody wants me. "You're trying to hard." THAT'S BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE FUCKING IS. God how it aggravates me when people decide that they could live MY life better than me. What the fuck is up with that? It's MY fucking life...so fuck OFF. Don't tell me what to do and how to make it better. It's mine. Mine...you understand? Good.

Well...now that that's out of the way. *Sighs and grumbles.* Let's make little notes to each person. That sounds fun...haven't done that in a LOOOOONG time...so let's have some fun, eh? Well, I'll get to those in a minute, let me update you all on my job(s) and my house status.

OKAY...well last Friday...which would have been the 15th, I made a deposit on a 1000 SQUARE FT. apartment here in Garden. My own place...finally. I move in August first and I'm so excited. Rent is $320 a month plus gas and electric. So it shouldn't be too bad. I'm going back to Ashland to get my stuff shortly there after and OFFICIALLY move into MY place in which I can tell people to GET THE FUCK OUT OF...:D YAY. You have NO idea how incredibly happy that makes me.

Now..ONTO the job(s) thing. Okay, as most of you know who read this god damn thing, I currently work at the West Subway in Garden City. I enjoy this job very much, but ran into a problem last Friday. My Manager, Patty, informed me of some things that didn't turn out to be wholly true. To make a long story short, she was fed mis-information, or lied, whatever it doesn't matter either way. And I got my feelings hurt over it. So, I worked with Terry whom was one of the people Patty told me had said some of this stuff, and I was PISSED at her. And I confronted her about it. She told me she didn't say half of the shit that I got told. I went into the bathroom for half a fucking hour...cried and threw up twice. It was GREAT...not.

So, after the dramas at Subway, lets move on to my second job. I had an interview at Wal-Mart today, and they pretty much hired me. Said they had to wait til they got my urine test back and check references, but that I'd most likely be hired. I'll probably start the last week of July or First week of August. So YAY. I'll be making $7.20 an hour which is a 1.20 more than Subway and I'll work nights from like...11-7AM. YAY. And I will probably average about 30 hours a week. That's about a 500 dollar check every two weeks. So no worrying about rent and shit. YAY.

So from that, onto the notes. And FIRST, I got a new cat. WOOT. Lol. :) His name is Mackavelli. :D Anyways. Yeah.

FIRST NOTE GOES TO...

BRIAN R. - Okay...well, we've gone through good and bad. Ups and downs...and we've always been there for eachother. I know that we'll never be more than friends, but I couldn't have asked for a better one. You are one of the most amazing people I know and I love you dearly. Never forget that Brian.

MIKKI - Oh my Goddess...what would I do without you? You are my angel, honey bear. I love you to death. Thank you for always being there and letting me vent when I do...(Which isn't often enough, but thanks.) I'm glad I can be there for you. You're an amazingly beautiful person whom I love dearly...and I appreciate EVERYTHING you've done in my life...:)

My sexy Brian from Britain - Heh. Babe...omg. I love you so much. You're amazing. Thank you for listening to me...and I enjoy our talks so much. You inspire me to be a better person...and because of you, I've found happiness yet again. You helped me...and I'll always be there for you. You are the sweetest most caring guy I know, and I enjoy talking to you so much. I love you, honey...never forget that.

Hrms. Enough with the fuckin' notes. I'm tired of doing them. Lol. If anyone wants pictures of my apartment/cat...message me and I'll send you an invite to view the gallery.

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

*Snorts.* Everything's a joke to me now. Every single fucking thing. Nobody ever means what they say. I can always keep the ugly ones...but the hot ones always leave me. What the fuck is up with that? What's wrong with me? Am I hideous? Just not good enough for your pathetic SUPERFICIAL STANDARDS?!? HRMS?! Well, whatever it is, fuck you for it. And fuck me for not seeing through your stupid lies and fucking flatteries. I even believed you when you sang that song to me! ARGH. Go to hell. :)

Kelly Clarkson - Since you been gone

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah since you been gone
You dedicated you took the time
Wasn't long til I called you mine
Yeah yeah since you been gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

[Chorus]

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on yeah yeah
Thanks to you now I get what I want
Since you been gone

[Verse Two]

How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah since you been gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way


But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on yeah yeah
Thanks to you now I get
I get what I want
Since you been gone

[Bridge]

You had your chance you blew it
Out of sight out of mind
Shut your mouth I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

[Chorus]

Since you been gone (since you been gone)
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get I get what I want

Since you been gone,
Since you been gone,
Since you been gone...

Well, just for clarification, I'm Sandra's Cookie and she's my sugar. And we both decided that THIS COOKIE BITES BACK...and SHE'S NOT SO SWEET. Heh. Anyways, here's what My Sugar put in her diary ... I love you, Sandra. Thanks so much. *Hugs and kisses.*

"FUCK THIS.


Why must everyone be such an ass hole to my Joey? [FUCK YOU NICKI!] has apparently HURT my cookie and he will be noted for the world to see....Cody...You cant Think you love someone...It just doesn't work that way..Wither you do or you dont. You are fucking full of bullshit and you need to fucking not lead anyone on like that. And yeah. you can go ahead and block me on MSN all you want motherfucker because I DONT CARE what you think about me...I wasn't even that rude to you, and you decided to be an ass hole..So now, I will show you that Joey's sugar isn't as fucking sweet as you think.


So...Here's a few emails you have sent joey...With my all time special comments added in Bold.


Dearest,(AINT SO DEAR NOW IS HE?!)


Hi... hows it goin? I'm bad at writing e-mails (You're bad at a lot of things apparently...) :S hehe. I hope your first day went well...(Yeah, but you just made his last a horrible one. FUCK OFF.) I'm pretty sure it did, seeing how wonderful you are.(What a sad fucking pick up line, moron.) Joey, you are the most amazing perrson I've ever met. and so beautiful...(FUCK THAT! You are SUCH a fucking liar! If you knew one thing about how beautiful he was, you would have "known" about loving him..RIGHT?!) not only on the outside, but on the inside as well.(You never got the chance to know, now did ye?) You make me a better person and I love you so much.(No...YOU made yourself a WORSE person. Stop sucking up, dumbass.) i know i may seem quiet sometimes, even on the phone, (But you sure can talk a lot of bullshit?!) but i am so overwhelmed with your intelegence and beauty I sometimes can't find the words... And of course I need you, I love you. And you're so sweet...(Like candy, bitch.)



BTW: my address is

[Taken Out So People Don't Show Up And Kill Him...ALTHOUGH...nah..I'm nicer than that...]


Love always, (NOT ALWAYS!FUCK THAT!)


Cody



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Hey babe,


You are so sweet to me... i don't know why(Me either...You're pathetic).. last night was fun , anyway just thought i'd tell you i love you...(You Mean You THINK you love him...)





Always,


Cody



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------











hey Babe,


you said to send you a long e-mail so here goes nothing:





I love you


I love you


I love you


I love you


I love you


I love you


I love you


I love you
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You asked for 20, i gave you at least 21 hehe (OKAY! YOU ONLY THOUGHT YOU FUCKING LOVED HIM! YOU ARE SOO PATHETIC AND FULL OF BULLSHIT! 21? i COULD HAVE DONE BETTER AND MEANT IT MORE THEN YOU! GUESS What? Joey is my cookie...I'm his sugar...That cookie bites back and this sugar aint as sweet as you thought...You need to be ass raped with a ten inch thick pole. But, considering you ARE the biggest ass hole in the world, that may be a little too small, ya know? I swear...I have seen that boy hurt more times then anyone, but you have literally took the cake...unflavored and plenty constiapting. If you really want to occupy your time playing with someone's heart, then you better just kiss my ass first, because you cant tell me you weren't leading him on. If you think for one minute that you are the better person in this, then grow up, because you will see revenge. "Its all well that ends okay so I'll end this shit with a fuck you and have a nice day."...*Awarded "Special" place in Thy holy ass holes :)* )


NOW...That you have been posted, dont forget to take a cookie...BUT NOT MINE!!! ^_-"

Wow...all of those "I love you"'s didn't mean JACK SHIT did they? Nope. And that's the sad part. Is that he convinced me that he did love me. And so, being the caring person I am, opened up. Stupid me. STUPID me. And I won't do it again. Not for a while at least. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm through looking. If anyone wants me...FIND ME...cuz I ain't fuckin' gonna find you...:D

Until later,

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Oh how my flesh...Longs for the sweet, tender kiss...Of cold metal. *Sighs.* Painful tears...in an even more cruel world...The cuts...let me know I'm real...and that this world of pretend...Is really living. Watch...as I fool the world with my happy-go-lucky outwardly appearance...My charming smile...Giggly personality...When all that's going on on the inside ... Is my slow...painful..agonizing death. But I'll keep my head up. And pretend...that just for a minute...everything is okay...

Until later...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Thank Goddess for Cody. That's all I have to say about it. Without him, I'd go insane...not that I'm not already insane, you see...but I'd be more so than I am now. And personally, that's a scary thought. Yes, I'm rambling. I want to say stuff, but I'm not sure what to say. It's like a catch-22...write and words will come...or words will come and you'll write. Hrms.

Anyways, Cody is amazing. He's such a beautiful person in ever aspect. He loves me for me...and I can honestly say that I thought I knew what love was. But I was so wrong...I knew nothing until I met Cody. With everyone else I've ever "loved" I'd have spurts of affection and infatuation and then nothing for a while. With Cody..it's non-stop 24/7 love, admiration, and affection. He makes me a better person and I'm happier than I've ever been.

I just wish that he were here. But he will be soon enough, I'm sure. And I can't wait. I can't wait to be able to embrace him...to hold him..kiss him. And show him that I meant EVERY single word that I said to him about me and him. God, I love him so much. It's not even a joking matter. I'd go psycho without him. So what I need to focus on, is keeping my job, getting my own place, and getting a vehicle. Cody said he's out of there after his Junior year, and he can finish school here online if he'd like. It won't be hard, and I could help him. But I need my own place to let him move into. So he has somewhere to go...

Anyways, while all this happiness and joy has been going on, I've also been really depressed. All I ever do anymore is go to work and stay home. I never go out. I don't have my own clique of friends and it annoys me. I wish I had someone just to hang out with whenever. But I don't, and it sucks. I'm tired of staying home every night and being depressed. So..I plan on fixing that. Although I'm not sure how, I'll do it. And it'll be great. In life there are two kinds of people...those that are depressed and sad and lonely and complain about it...and those who do something about it. I'm a doer. And I WILL do something.

Anyways, this song reminded me of Cody...so..here it is. It's called "Come on Closer" by Jem. I love you, baby...

Come on closer
I wanna show you
What I'd like to do
You sit back now
Just relax now
I'll take care of you

Hot temptations
Sweet sensations
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

Gonna take it slow babe
Do it my way
Keep your eyes on me
Your reaction
To my action
Is what I want to see

Rhythmic motion
Raw emotion
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

And now you're satisfied
A twinkle in your eye
Go to sleep for ten
And anticipating
I will be waiting
For you to wake again

Hot temptations
Sweet sensations
Infiltrating through
Sweet sensations
Hot temptations
Coming over you

[When you wake up we'll
do it all again]
[When you wake up]
[When you wake up we'll
do it all again]
[When you wake up]

Hour after hour
of sweet pleasure
After this I guarantee
you'll never wanna leave
Shut your eyes and think about
what I'm about to do
Sit back relax I'll take my time
this lovin's all for you

No matter sun, rain, shine, or snow...my love for you will always be the same Cody. You're my everything, and I will never feel less about you. Only more. I love you.

*Hugs and kisses.*

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Isn't it odd how things in life can change so quickly? How suddenly hate goes to love...and vice versa? *Sighs.* Things are so hectic right now. Everything is psycho. I mean that. I'm working, partying, making friends, losing friends...it's just...crazy. That's what it is. I'm really not sure how much drama I can take. It's starting to piss me off. And I honestly mean that. Why all the fucking drama? I think it's drawn to me. Lol. Sadly, I think it is. Isn't that great!

Anyways, so I started working at Subway on...Thursday which would have been...the 23 of June I think. Yeah, I think. Maybe. Lmao. Anyways, it's been a lot of fun. But really exhausting. I never realized how much work went into that place to keep it running. My manager told me that as soon as I'm doing with training, she wants to bump me up to a shift manager and give me a raise. I was just like..YES. Lmao. But yeah, that's going good. If you're in Garden, drop by, I'm on the WESTSIDE. Lol. :)

On another note, things have been...really interesting between Brian and I. I'm not sure what's going on. I don't care anymore. Brian didn't want me for anything but a friend, so I'm doing my best to move on. I really am. Anyways, he was gone on Friday, and Sharise, Aubrey, Laura, and I hung out. And we planned a .. "party" for Saturday. Anyways, he got pissed at me and Aubrey for not including him. What he doesn't realize is that regardless of whether they're his friends or not, they're also mine. And also that I haven't been here that long...so, it's not my fault I don't have any other friends here. Give me some time, I'll develop my group. But til then, back the fuck off.

On another note, the last thing I'm going to write about is the most important. Thus being the case of most papers and things, the best is saved for last. It builds a plot and evens it out at the end. SO, the topic of this last paragraph is Cody. *Sighs.* It's...so odd, how crazy I am about him. I don't think I can live without him. I know I can't. I need him like I need air. I love him more than life itself. He is my life and without him I am nothing. We've been talking a lot...and I just want to hold him. Kiss him...*Sighs.* Everything is so screwed up...but that's okay. Cody, no matter what goes down, I'll always love you. Always and forever. You're my kitten, and you'll always be mine...please don't let me go...

*Sings* Coin..Operated Boy..Sitting on the shelf...He is just a toy...But I turn him on...And he comes to life...Automatic joy...That is what I want...Who could ever ever ask for more? Love without complications galore...Many shapes and weights to choose from, I will never ever leave my bedroom...I will never cry at night again...Wrap my arms around him and pretend...Coin-operated boy...All the other real...Ones that I destroy...

Heh. I love that song. Anyways, LOVE YOU CODY! Always.

Until later,

<3 Joey

P.S. Cody...Can I keep you?

Beloved,

I come to you in grief, yet joy. I come to you in an hour of need...and an hour of fulfilling. For in 8 hours I will be taken from this place. From what I've called home for so long. And though, I know I could miss it, I won't.

This town fills you with hopes and dreams, and then crushes them as though it doesn't matter. The people here are closed-minded, not even bothering to offer a hand when one's in need. Yet,...they preach about this hand. The hand that they won't offer.

*Sighs.* So many thoughts racing through my head right now. I'm so pissed, yet so very happy. Phillip has angered me beyond recognition of myself. I can't take the shit from this town anymore. Nor it's empty-headed idiocracies that live here. It's fucked up. I, too, am fucked up, but none compared to this.

Phillip, one day soon you'll see how wrong you were by taking my sister back as whatever the fuck she is to you. You'll understand. One of two things is going to happen soon, for if it doesn't, I will intervene and talk to Brandon. She either will break up with Brandon, or she'll stay the fuck away from you. If neither one of these things happen, then I will be emailing Brandon with photographic proof of her cheating and a long drawn out message. I will not have it.

On top of that, you fuckin' used me to get to her. You said you wouldn't...that you couldn't. And yet, you lie to me. You told me you'd never take her back, and now you're holding hands again as if nothing happened. I see all, I know all, and I can assure you...this charade will end soon enough.

Enough of that shit, I don't need the people of this town and their sorry little problems. I'm moving. I'm leaving my problems here. Somewhere ... that they belong. *Sighs.* I hope everyone in this town is happy. You've made me the psychotic freak that I am today. For it's your fault that I cut. That I have disorders. I blame no other but YOU. This..contamination of filth and pollutants over taking me and preventing my happiness. No more, I say. No more. I won't stand for it.

*Slowly retreats into closed off mansion.* At least in here, I'm safe from your tortures. I won't be hurt here. No more will I open myself up to your cruelties. No more will I try and impress you and make you understand me. For it's not me that needs to be understood, it's you.

As far as Phillip, if you're reading this, I want you to know I don't hate you. But at this point in time, Fuck you. You used me. You lied to me. You made me feel like shit. And the saddest part of all of that? You don't even care. You have what you want. You have your "little piece of ass" ... but soon, she'll have you. You'll be in a bind and wish you were dead. And nobody will be there, and it'll be your fault...and your fault only.

Until later,

</3 Joey

Beloved,

An edited poem...Yeah. *Sighs.* Life sucks...

He knows he’s not totally alone.
Every once in a while,
dull, lifeless words appear here and there,
giving him the 5 seconds of comfort they were intended for,
before slipping away,
not forgotten, but not meant to be remembered.

He always tries to smile but is finding it harder and harder,
as day by day,
his whole world crashes down around him.

Soon,
He feels completely isolated and cold.
His only friends being a blank sheet of blue lines,
separating his thoughts, dreams, and fears.

Soon,
He gains another friend,
a cheap,
black,
dollar-store pen.

The more and more he writes,
the better he gets to know himself,
and soon,
he gains yet another friend.

A sharp,
lifeless,
deadly,
silver blade.

He hides the blade in his room,
secretly,
yet proudly.

Soon the blade compels him,
as he can see, hear, taste, or feel nothing...
nothing but the blade.

He writes his farewell,
and gives it a kiss,
the taste of poison and death at his lips.

Shaking,
yet,
not really knowing
what exactly he’s scared of,
he lets blood ooze down his arm,
his vision blurs
and soon,
he completely blacks out.

As death soaks into his veins,
it impales every last bit of love in his heart,
and kills every pinch of hope in his soul.

Three last words escape his breath.
Not intended to be heard by anyone,
but addressed to the world.

Once a little boy,
now a morbid soul,
He lies there,
waiting,
for his fate to unfold.

</3 Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* Yada, yada, yada. "And that's the way love is. It leaves you feeling hated and despised...no matter how it ends." Yeah, very true at this point in time. Oh well, I never expected caring people anyways. I don't need them. I'll just keep my walls high. Protect myself from their abuse. Keep the pain within, and live with a fake smile on my face...that's what they want...that's what they'll get.

Well maybe now I should just say goodbye
You used to be my friend
But I never felt I really was yours
So maybe this is the end.

I'm different from you, all of you
Each other we've never understood
I hope that if I do tell you goodbye
That it won't be for good.

Whenever I'm mad it hurts me so bad
And you don't even care
I don't know why, I just want to cry
And someday I won't be there.

The streaks on my arm they've done me no harm
They're only made of pen
But once they are blood that turns brown like mud
They'll be there again and again.

If I'm mad at you I'll hurt myself too
But that doesn't really matter
Although when I hurt I feel like dirt
And my spirit's bruised and battered.

I do not know why it has to be so
I really wish it did not
But the way this has been going
it is basically shot.

You don't need me and we don't need we
And that's how I think I know why
These words are the ones I have to speak-
I love you, but goodbye.

Until later, I guess...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

What happens when you're threatened repeatedly...I'll tell you, it pisses you off. I don't know though, I don't really give a fuck anymore. Don't bother me a bit.

Anyways, can't say that I've had a worse night then tonight, but ya know, it doesn't matter. My life is perfect. I have the perfect boyfriend, the perfect house, the perfect clothes AND haircut. Not to mention I have my own store and fashion line, and my own tanning booth. Oh, and we can't forget my huge ass pool with my mansion. *Grins fakely.* EVERYTHING IS SO PERFECT!!!

Right...the truth means nothing for one who doesn't believe it...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Everything is perfect! Life is beautiful. I get flowers from secret admirers all the time. I have a huge party with hundreds of friends that all love me. It will be perfect, because my life is perfect. There is no flaw in me. Just cute little mess-ups every now and then. Just today, I woke up from a beautiful dream in which I was pampered and loved by all. And then I went downstairs and was greeted by my family whom all love me...heh.

And then there's the truth...but we don't want to ruin perfection, now do we?

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Meaningless words in an imaginary world. Words of fake happiness and joy to cover up the pain. To hide sorrow in the underbrush. Laughter drowned out by screaming tears. Happiness...once held dear...now dead. No love. No need. All is gone.

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Hurtful tears in a heartless world mean nothing...to anybody...unless it's you crying those tears...

</3 Joey

Beloved,

Early in the morning when the birds begin to chirp...can you find my heart? When the sun peaks slowly above the horizon...do you see my soul? In mid afternoon, when the sun is ablaze, can you feel the warmth that radiates from my being? When the sun slowly begins to set, can you see my hopes slowly fleeting? When the moon in her elegant beauty appears, can you hear my heartfelt cries?

No, you can't. And do you know why? It's because you don't listen. It's because you don't look. It's because you don't feel. Your sense of security lies in habits and people. Mine lies in full-fledged psychotic episodes and myself. I need not what this silly world has to offer.

If you look carefully upon my face, you can see the tears. Hidden beneath the mask that so closely covers the real me, .. but if you look...you can see the glimmer. Through my daily charades...if you watch closely...can you see that I'm dying inside? Can you see that I'm in pain...more pain than you could ever imagine? I see and hear things you wouldn't have nightmares about. Yet, I push on...knowing that somewhere...something has to give.

I must admit, I was hugely disappointed tonight. But alas, that's my fault. I expected something that would never happen. *Giggles at self.* *Taunts self.* You're so stupid, Joey...always hoping for things that can't happen. Always trying to dream when you know that your life is hell...and can only be hell. Shame on you for ever thinking you'd get above it. You're stuck down here...forever.

*Sighs.* But that's okay...even though I'm alone...I still embrace myself. Even though I'm crazy...I still find myself sound. For it's in my made up little world that I find peace. An altered reality that only exists inside my head. And lucky for all of you, you don't see the real me. For if you did...you'd realize..."He...should be dead...."

</3 Joey

Beloved,

I just have to post the diary entry that Sandra posted of her and I in her diary. SOOOO...lmfao. Here it is. It's funnier than shit. Lmfao. Love you Sugar...:)

"Okay....So....I was talking to my Friend Jojo...And he had me laughing so hard my mom came in and almost fucking killed me. It was great. This is what old people are NOT like...Usually..

Earlier...Jojo's Grandma called. Him and her were on the phone for 8 minutes. He comes back after a while and says...It's Grandma. She never fucking shuts up....Yeah and then he went on about how he was on the phone for 8 minutes, and for 5 of them all she said was "Uhm"...And I suppose she kept changing the subject...Like...She talked about the weather...and then a few "Uhm's" and then she would move on to tea :)...This made me die...of laughter. OMG it was fucking great....

So he leaves for a while and comes back. Grandma calls again...Here is the conversation.


Scojoey06: IT WAS THE CRAZY BITCH
Scojoey06: <3
latina87baby: Who?
latina87baby: Grandma?
Scojoey06: She wanted to know if we'd heard anything.
Scojoey06: Yes.
Scojoey06: That ... weirdo
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: if we hear anything grandma we'll call you
Scojoey06: fer fuck's sake
Scojoey06: LEAVE ME ALONE
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: The caller ID fucked up
Scojoey06: or I wouldn't have answered it!
latina87baby: hahaha
latina87baby: Go figure
Scojoey06: God.
Scojoey06: Stupid caller ID
Scojoey06: from now on
Scojoey06: if it messes up
Scojoey06: I ain't answering.
latina87baby: lol
Scojoey06: I'll be like...uh uh...fuck it
Scojoey06: You can leave a message.
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: Have you heard anything?
Scojoey06: No..
Scojoey06: That's odd I wish...uhm
Scojoey06: uhm
Scojoey06: uhm
Scojoey06: uhm...
Scojoey06: Is it going to rain there tonight?
Scojoey06: What the hell are you smokin' WOMAN?
latina87baby: She'll be on the answering machine "Uhm...uhm...Hi Joey...I just wanted to call and check up on you...uhm....uhm...uhm...
latina87baby: "
Scojoey06: EXACTLY
Scojoey06: And if it's her...
Scojoey06: I'll fuckin' delete the message.
Scojoey06: WOOT WOOT
Scojoey06: magick fingers
latina87baby: lmao
Scojoey06: What part of "You have an annoying voice, can't think, and talk too much" don't you understand deary?>
latina87baby: LMAO
latina87baby: hahaha
latina87baby: OMG
Scojoey06: LOL
Scojoey06: God.
Scojoey06: I swear.
Scojoey06: It's no wonder I have so many fuckin' disorders.
Scojoey06: I have to put up with people like her on a weekly basis.
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: I swear...if it were more than 30 minutes a week
latina87baby: hahahahahaha
Scojoey06: I'd die.
Scojoey06: Just fall over dead.
Scojoey06: AHHHHHH STOPPPPP
latina87baby: *Dies lauging*
Scojoey06: SHUUUT UPPP
Scojoey06: lmfao
Scojoey06: God, grandma's are supposed to be sweet little old women...
Scojoey06: Not fuckin' annoying brainless stalkers..
Scojoey06: FUCK
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: Haha.
Scojoey06: I'mma cry.
Scojoey06: Lol.
Scojoey06: You better not post this conversation anywhere.
latina87baby: Do you mind if I put parts of this convo in my journal?
Scojoey06: She might find it...
Scojoey06: LMAO!
Scojoey06: I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA SAY IT
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: I KNEW IT
Scojoey06: no, not at all
Scojoey06: I'd be honored.
Scojoey06: lmao
Scojoey06: I've never been in anyone's journal convo wise.
latina87baby: lol
latina87baby: ok
latina87baby: Hold on...I'll work it
Scojoey06: Here grandma...take your medicine and arsenic...
Scojoey06: lmao
Scojoey06: GRANDMA WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE WEED!!!?
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: Lmao
Scojoey06: Fuckin' looney psycho.
Scojoey06: One day...she'll ... not be able to talk.
Scojoey06: And the world will sing.
latina87baby: LMFAO
Scojoey06: LOL
Scojoey06: God...I'm a bit mean.
Scojoey06: I'm in a funny mood.
Scojoey06: I think it's because I've talked to her TWICE today.
Scojoey06: AHHHHHHH
Scojoey06: Once a fuckin' week is too much...
Scojoey06: so she calls TWICE
latina87baby: IN A DAY
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: She knew I was by myself...
Scojoey06: "I think I'll call and see how he's doing..."
Scojoey06: I'm fuckin' fine...
Scojoey06: Thank you and goodbye.
Scojoey06: But no...you can't be abridged with Grandmas...
Scojoey06: no no
Scojoey06: Oh well, soon she won't have my number.
Scojoey06: MUHAHAHAHA.
Scojoey06: Aud I sure as hell ain't visiting her....
latina87baby: LMAO
Scojoey06: Unless she like...gets alzheimers...which isn't far off.
latina87baby: you would go crazy
Scojoey06: Then she'd be funny.
Scojoey06: My OTHER grandma got alzheimers.
Scojoey06: Now she's hilarious.
latina87baby: FUCKIN A
Scojoey06: Like...
latina87baby: lmfao
Scojoey06: We were at our old house.
Scojoey06: And she was outside looking around
Scojoey06: and I went out
Scojoey06: and was like
Scojoey06: "What are you looking for Granms?"
Scojoey06: "The house...where's the house...?"
Scojoey06: AND IT'S RIGHT FUCKIN' BEHIND HER.
latina87baby: Lmfao
latina87baby: hahahahaha
Scojoey06: OMG...and then this one time. It was...around 3 in the morning.
Scojoey06: SHE RANDOMLY WENT AROUND THE HOUSE TURNING ALL THE LIGHTS ON
Scojoey06: And my mom was like "Mom...what are you looking for" quietly whispering...
Scojoey06: No response.
Scojoey06: Then a little louder, "MOM...what are you looking for?!"
Scojoey06: Still nothing.
Scojoey06: *Freezer door opens.*
Scojoey06: "MOM WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?!?!"
Scojoey06: "I'M TRYING TO FIND THE BATHROOM!!!"
Scojoey06: lmfao
Scojoey06: And one time.
Scojoey06: LMfao.
Scojoey06: She had her dentures on the table.
Scojoey06: And she looked at them.
Scojoey06: And she goes
Scojoey06: "What is that...chicken?"
Scojoey06: LMFAO

Now this is funny.... Joey has a great sense of humor. It's terribly mean...but he is so fucking funny... I think I love him...Not like that, but you get tha picture..

Normally, he's right...Old people are sweet and quiet...But not his grandmothers..Obviously. I am laughing even as I type this..Because he is seriously funny. I've never heard such weird shit before....OMG I love it. Anyways...Yeah...I ahd to place this convo for you people to laigh at...because its sooo funny :)....to me it is :)

Anyways....Gotta go....TTYL

~Sandra"

And there you have it. Lmfao. GOD I'm mean. Oh well, it was funny. LOVE YOU SANDY BEAR!!!

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Well, just heard a song for the first time, and it made me cry. How pathetic is that? *Sighs.* God, I'm just...feeling so alone right now. I'm...so...I don't know. But whatever it is, it isn't good. Anyways, just thought I'd post the song and lyrics...

Natalie - Goin' Crazy

Ever since the day you went away
And left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same
Oh baby no
When I looked into your eyes
The moment that I let you go I just broke down (down)

Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again I would sacrifice
'Cause the feelin that I feel within no other man
Would ever make me feel so right

It's nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And I miss the way you hold me tight

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

That's right baby
Im goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you it's been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat every time we speak
Can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me
And you want me
And you miss me
And you love me
I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
Put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you
Crazy over you I'm calling
Callin' out to you
What am I gonna do?
It's true no frontin'
It's you ain't no other
I can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down (down)

I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

That's right baby
I'm goin' crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you (baby)

ooo, crazy,(ooo)
lady (ooo)
lately (ooo)
Baby

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

*Sighs.* No, no, no...*SIIIIIGHS.* There, that's a bit better. Well, I cried...1...2...3...4...5 ... times since I got back from Garden City. I'm just...freaking out. Nobody ever keeps promises they make to me. NOBODY. And it scares me. 'cause I trust Bri and I don't want to lose him. Although, I highly doubt it'll happen that way. Knowing my luck, I'll fuck it up. Just like I always do. Sometimes being a fuck up really gets old, ya know? *Grumbles.*

Well, I dyed my hair something plum and you can't really tell unless I'm in the light. But it looks cool. I like it. It was subtle for the first time I've ever dyed it. Which is what I wanted. My next one will be dramatic. "Things always work out in the end..." Oh shut up stupid voice in my head. You don't know what you're talking about.

I got to talk to Brian tonight...which was nice. It was wonderful hearing voice...now if I could just cuddle with him..but I can't...cause I'm not there...I'm here. *Bites lip...* I-..*Sighs.* Nothing. Nevermind. I'm not going to do it. Love is evil. I hate it. It messes with your head. GRR. I won't be able to sleep tonight. I just know it. 'cause Bri isn't there beside me. I feel empty when he's not around.

Apparently after babers got home, he got depressed. All I've been doing is complaining about me...I haven't considered what kind of effect this is having on him. I know he loves me. I know he wants me around. I'm his sunshine just as he is mine. I'm just not used to it, I guess. Being wanted back. It's odd. All of my relationships have been about me wanting someone...but them not wanting me...or the other way around. NEVER has anyone wanted me at the same time I wanted them. It's...different. But in a very nice kinda way.

Hmm. Brevity is a virtue...unfortunately, it's not a virtue that I possess. So I will continue to ramble on and say whatever pops into my head. Let's see. What to say, what to say. Well, I know I'm going to put a poem at the end of this, I just haven't decided upon the topic. Should be interesting, though.

Hmm...let's talk about why Brian is perfect. And no, not as a lover...but as a person. Heh. Just thinking about him makes me grin. He has such a beautiful face. And the most gorgeous eyes. He's sweet...and caring. Considerate beyond belief. Yet, at the same time, has an evil side if he's not feeling well. He has the nicest hands...heh. God, I'm obsessed. I need shot. SHOT I TELL YOU.

NEXT! How about...we talk about something more of an interest to you. Even though I don't know who you are, I bet you're wondering something. I bet you're wondering how someone like me is single. I'll tell you why. One, I'm not as perfect as I seem. I'm moody...difficult to understand. Rarely open up. Few people know the real me...and most that day stay the hell away from me. I'm cranky ... depressed easily. I'm suicidal...some days...most days. Okay, point number two. I'm not desirable. I know you're like, "BUT YOU ARE!!!" No, I'm not. And if you knew me...REALLY knew me, you wouldn't think that.

I think about things constantly. I'm too analytical most of the time. "Anal retentive" as my art teacher would put it. :) But that's okay. With my analytical nature comes the gift of observance. Something few people bother to even use. For instance, empathy. I'm easily influenced by the moods of others. I know what they're feeling. And it rubs off on me. I tend to know what people want...and what they think. Scary most of the time,...yet, very cool.

*Sighs.* I'm avoiding what I'm really feeling. Cuz if I talk about it, I'm going to start crying. I don't know. I'm just...I feel so alone right now. *Tears form at eyes.* *Sighs.*

You turned my darkness into light;
You made everything all right.
You picked me up when I was down;
You turned my life around.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A blessing is what you are to me.

When I needed you the most, you were there;
Even if it seemed like you didn't care.
When I didn't think I could make it another day,
You chased all my doubts away.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A treasure is what you are to me.

The world is full of many people, it's true;
But there is only one of you.
You fill my heart with love;
You're a God-sent gift from above.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
An angel is what you are to me.

Lost and alone, I will no longer be;
Because you are here with me.
There is no reason to be sad;
You've taken away all the bad.
If I didn't have you, what would I be?
A best friend is what you are to me!!

Until later,

<3 Joey

Beloved,

Well, turns out Bri's gonna take me back today...*Sighs.* I just wish that I knew what he was thinking...how he felt...so I can know whether to..nevermind. Anyways, he told me that he'll be there to pick me up on my 18th b-day June 9th. So in 11 days. I guess that's not so bad. I just don't want to go that long without him. *Weak grin.* But it's not important what I want. I'm just some silly boy....

I wish that I could put into words how I felt right now...Angry?...Sad?...Alone?...Hateful..?...Well, not hateful 'cause I don't hate him...If anything I love him too much. It just seems that sometimes it doesn't really matter how I feel and it makes me angry. I left the bed and instead of him coming in here and seeing what was up, he just laid there. How much does he care? *Sighs.* I wish that he'd just tell me that he hates me so I can just try and move on. But no,...it's gonna be long and drawn out. But then again, maybe he loves me..ha..haha..hah. Love isn't like that. It's not kind. It's not caring. It's mean..and cruel. And it hurts you more than you could ever imagine.

Anyways, like I said, he's taking me back today and "promises" he's coming back to get me on the ninth. I don't buy it. I want to, but I've been hurt far too many times to be naive enough to even CONSIDER trying to believe it. He's just going to talke me up there and forget about me. I know he is..

Why does life have to be so damn confusing? Yes, he needs some space to make decisions, but what he doesn't realize is that I .. need him. I told myself I'd never trust again this easily. That I'd keep my walls high and not lower them for anyone. Yet, I've done it again. I'm grovelling before him. I have none of his heart...but he has all of mine..He doesn't realize the control that he has over me. When will I stop being stupid?

Probably when I'm dead. Which, I can assure you, probably isn't far off. *Sighs.* Oh well, though, ya know? It won't be any huge loss to society I'm sure.

Here's a poem I wrote last night...

Trust

Trusting is so hard
When all you've been is hurt
Thrown aside when I needed most
Thrown aside and treated as dirt

What happens when
There's nothing left to give?
When all your world is crumbling
and you don't want to live?

So give me a reason to trust
When everyone betrays you
Just one reason why
And I'll try to believe you

It's hard to not know
Exactly what you feel
When you won't vocalize
It's hard for me to deal

It hurtsfor me to love you
When I have so little left to give
So tell me that you love me, too
And give me a reason to live...

Welp, there it is boys and girls. *Sighs.* Corny?..probably. Stupid?...Definately. But the truth is also in that poem. The hope that's in my heart. The one that says, "There's good in all people...open up and give freely of yourself...you can't hold back when it comes to love." Then the stark realization that I used to live that way and look where it got me. OCD, bi-polar, a cutter, a burner, and anorexic/bulimic. Hah. Open and give freely. That makes me giggle.

Until later,

<3 Joey

P.S. Bri, regardless of where this whole...shitty situation takes us, I will always love you. Never forget that...*Weak grin.* Thank you for making my life better. For giving me sun when I only had clouds.

Beloved,

Well...I warned every party involved in the "domestic" situation at my house. I warned EACH and EVERY one of them...that if shit continued as it was going...I'd leave...And...I did.

I'm currently in Garden City, where I'll hopefully be for some time. I'm staying with the sweetest guy I know...Brian. *Grins.* It's crazy. I told myself never again. And yet, here I am. That stupid...jumpy heart thing. That annoying horniness at every touch ... haha. I hope he ain't readin' this...lol!

Anyways, yeah, so I've been here. And it's awesome. No shit. Just me and Bri and occassional friends of Bri. AWESOME people I might add.

Do you know the best feeling in the world? Of course you don't. But I do, and I'mma elaborate for you. The best feeling in the world isn't the butterflies you get when you look at that person. It isn't loving that person so much that your biggest fear is losing them. It's not hugs, kisses, or cuddling. So...you're probably asking...what is it? The best feeling in the world...is being safe in someone's arms. And KNOWING that you're safe and that nothing bad can happen. Those are the moments that you should grab a hold of and try to keep.

*Sighs.* I can't put into words how much Brian means to me. I mean...nevermind, I'm worried he's gonna read this and like...get mad and not feel the same way. That's one of the worst feelings. Those thoughts about where that person might get fed up with you. Scares the hell outta me cuz I know how easy it is to lose someone. If I lost Bri, I'd go insane.

Brian, I want to tell you so much to your face what you mean to me, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know why. I'm just...ashamed? Scared? Worried? I don't know if any of those words are right, it's sort of a mixture of them all. Not knowing how you feel about me is killing me. I'm constantly stuck being so happy, and yet, being so sad I'm almost in tears. Bri, I love you. I do...*Weak grin.* Please don't be mad......

ANYWAYS...lol. I got alcohol last night...teee heee...lmao. I had three cosmopolitans...uhm...baja mountain dew with vodka, vodka shots...that was fun. Lol. It burned so bad. OMG..ow. And a screwdriver. (Orange juice and Vodka.) Yeah, we got Smirnoff Vodka last night...fun fun. TEE HE. I went BEZERK...but so did he, so I guess it's okay. Lol.

Uhm...uhm...what else. OH...me and Bri went to the zoo. That was lotsa fun. TALK ABOUT SOME CREEPY BIRDS. LMFAO. Dude, when we were there, these monkeys were mating...and the reason we knew this wasn't because we could see them...we could fuckin' hear them. They fuckin' reached ORGASM...LMFAO. And then it went silent. It was sooo funny.

Anyways, I think that's all for now...NO...I'll put a poem on here...:)

You don't know how I'm feeling.
I have yet to vocalize
Desire deep inside me.
Can you see it in my eyes?

I tremble when I'm near you
Heat travels up my thighs
and I want you with an urgency
That I just can't describe.

Dare I reach out to touch you?
Do you think you'd realize
How much I want and need you?
Can you see it in my eyes?

I long to say, "I love you,"
But am scared of your reply.
Terrified like a child
I've become paralyzed.

The camouflaged emotions
Lead to pain and silent cries.
And yet I just can't tell you.
Don't you see it in my eyes?

Confessing through this poem
My dilemma summarized.
The feeling's quite cathartic,
But will lead to my demise.

Until later,

<3 Joey (In love)

P.S. HAPPY NOW MIK? Lol. Love ya. :)

Beloved,

Well, I love this song by Brandy. I don't know why...as I hate Brandy...but I like the song...the meaning behind it I think. *Shrugs.* Maybe I'm just weird...that's possible. Lol.

Well, how am I doing...you're probably wondering. I'm doing okay now...I realized that things weren't all my fault after all...and that it's better to trust your instincts then live in something that doesn't feel right.

Anyways, yeah, just thought I'd update and leave the lyrics to that song.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Whatever you want, I got it, Papi
Don't hesitate, holla at me
What I'm lookin' for
Is simple, you see
Love and support and sexuality
When I'm with you, I don't wanna leave
I need you just like air that I breathe
But when I'm not with you, I'm missing a piece
I got a lot inside I need to release

You fulfill my every desire
When I'm with you, you take me higher (Wooo woo whoo)

[chorus]
You're my afrodisiac
You're the only one I'm needin'
When I go, I'll come back
'Cause there is no way I'm leavin'
You're my afrodisiac
You're the only one I'm needin'
When I go, I'll come back
'Cause there is no way I'm leavin'

There is no way you are gettin' away
I need your love every day
Medicine can't cure the way that I feel
What I need is my inner fill
Being without you, it's makin' me ill
Stressin' me out, I need to chill
Something this strong, gotta be real
Nothing or noone, show my skills

You fulfill my every desire
When I'm with you, you take me higher (Wooo woo whoo)

[chorus]

I admit that I'm a prisoner of your sex appeal (sex appeal)
I can't seem to find a way to escape how I feel (how I feel)
I can't wait no longer, please come give a dose to me (dose to me)
Craving's gettin' stronger, need you now, close to me

[chorus 2x]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Peace and love,

<3 Joey

Special little note to Alex: Heh. Thought I'd put you in here cuz you're helping me a lot, love. I appreciate your listening and support. :) *Hugs you.* Life can only go up. And it is thanks to you. Love you!