Oh no, what am I doing inside? This is terrible, its sunny outside! Damn it elftown, why'd you always do this to me?!? Ahh thats better, a good it of the ol' stairway. People; listen to lez zeppelin, you have to because its summer. I'm going to turn this up full volume and open my window so I can enjoy it outside...

In that tree,
the pol pit,
1000 years old I said,
it fitted perfectly,
like an egg in a cup,
smooth and soft,
that bottle,
cider,

sitting on steps looking down,
thinking of the man,
standing with dusty book in
arm,
sunlight and
sunday morning serenity,
sunlight,
not now,
sitting here in the twilight,

old,
its been for so long,
feeling relaxed
in the comforting
dependancy I have
for its exsistance,

yew,
me,
and him too,
all drinking the whisky,
laughing,
nestled
in that tree.

I've just remembered that I met someone who rolled a joint, smoked most of it and then realised there was nothing but tobacco in it! Hahahah! Classic.

Last nights dream...

I was chilling with Ricky and Louis in an airport/college hybrid and all of a sudden we started to argue about chocolate. Ricky grabbed the chocolate and got into an airport car, Louis and I got on too. We were fighting over the chocolate as I was driving the car around the airport like a maniac, going over ramps and all those James Bond style things. Ricky pushed Louis off, I continued driving, after a while we realised that the ride was more interesting that the chcolate. We started to laugh at all the security gaurds trying to catch us, we went down a set of stairs and I did a hand break turn out of the door but Ricky fell out. I carried on through the carpark and around back into the airport where my car broke down. We had actually gotten away with our crazy stunt and no one was angry with us because they were so amused by it. The End.

I thought I saw Jesus on a tram,
I said "are you Jesus?"
and he said "yes I am"

- Spike Milligan

Tehehe good ol' Spike.

Ahhh, my head, damn this caffine headache! I can't believe my body is addicted to the suff, terrible. Caffine helps me think though, which helps with my art so I shall endure the pain. "we must suffer for our art" - David Bowie. Quite right, everything comes at a price. "You don't know true happiness until you've known' true sorrow", "the sweet ain't so sweet without the bitter". Ying and yang, chaos and order. Everything is relative to the other. Ahh, no I shouldn't get all philosophical, its bad for sanity or maybe insanity, I could quite easily be getting more sane when others think I'm going the other way. Its just that other people don't think enough to be sane, they are the insane ones. Living in their worlds of ignorance believing its the right way. I think that makes sense dosen't it? Its always the most sane people who are called insane, well I don't mean in the real sense, the definition in the dictionary. I mean what idiot people call the more sane insane. What a backwards world we live in.

I painted a mural today. Its very theraputic, painting big swirls of yummy colour. Orange and blue mmm yes.

Venus fly traps are amazing, I've been wondering today how they evolved, what from? At what point could a plant develop reflexes? At what point does a plant learn to count?!? Bizzare and amazing they are.

Oh my head, I feel like hugging someone, damn it. There are never hugable people about here. Its such a brilliant thing, its like smiling or when people wave at you and say "good afternoon" when they don't know you, or sighing. They are the things that make us feel that we exist and are not alone but not enough people do them these days, well not in Britain anyway. Its so sad, all these straight faced cold looking people you get pacing to their next destination that is so vitally important to them they can't even aknowlage other members of their race. I think Thatcher has alot to do with this sort of thing, she started it. Its sickening, everyone acts like what she did is all fixed! Is it heck! Everyone is so agressivly capitalist and cold, everyone spends so much time trying to get money they forget what it is thats making them unhappy in the first place. I'm sorry I'm saying everyone, by that I mean many. There are some amazing and warm creatures on this planet and I'm very lucky to know quite a few of them. The only thing we truly fear is being truly alone, I believe that is the very whim by which every single human lives.

I've spent the last week doing up my dad's old office into my "studio" so now thats all finished I can have friends over finally.
Last night was good, nothing bad happend and I managed to not make a complete fool of myself. The music and the people were good. I got hugged a few times which is always good. Katie managed to break her bracelet by hugging me which was funny. I walked home this morning and enjoyed the summer.
Now I'm just sitting about being hungover.

[Smoked a cigarette:] Yes, but only when drunk.
[Smoked a cigar:] Yes
[Snorted coke:] Nope, I ate a bit.
[Smoked Weed]:Yes.
[Been high:] duh
[Said "I hope you die" to someone:] Well not exactly but I did wish it upon someone as a joke and it happend three days later. Drowning pool singer it was, I apologise to all the drowning pool fans! It wasn't just me you know, there were others! It was a joke! I'm sorry.
[Tried to kill someone:] No
[Tried to kill yourself:] I've felt like it, its extremely selfish and pathetic thing to do unless there is no real choice.
[Got in a fist fight:] Hah, yeah with a friend. We apologised straight after and never spoke of it again.
[Lied to your parents:] Yes, I think they'd rather not know the answers sometimes.
[Given someone a bruise:] yes
[Ditched someone:] no
[Freak danced:] gah all the time!
[Cut yourself:] I tattooed my own knee
[Skipped school:] Hah, yes almost to the point where I wasn't going.
[Hung up on someone:] Yess
[Threw up at school:] Hehehe, it was the school meals and those damn hot stage lights! Not many people can say they've thrown up on stage with an audience!
[Done someone else's make-up:] no
[Kissed someone of the same sex:] Got kissed by, urch, Greg told some guy I was gay! What a nasty trick!
[Had a burping contest:] I think I was eight
[Snuck out:] I make it known even under protest :¬)
[Been to a school dance:] not since primary school
[Thought your teacher was hot:] no
Oh what? Finished already! I was enjoying that.

Meh, I didn't sleep last night and now I'm getting that horrible hollow feeling I always get when I don't sleep. I'm sure there were things I was meant to write just then but they are all gone. Damn.

Hey, hey kids.

Today it was sunny, oh yeah.
Today I tried to eat only fruit but failed.
Today I read in the sun.
Today I got sun burned on one arm because my garden is on a slope and I can only sit reading facing in one direction.
Today I started to paint mating seaguls, you will see it in my house when it is done.
Today I listend to led zeppelin.
Today I made a crazy techno/classical/tribal guitar song.
Today I stroked cats.
Today I tried to get live8 tickets.
Today wasn't the greatest.

There is nothing funny about
hitting your funny bone,
I thought in the shower,
it was too hot,
I went out,
people looking at me
because I looked
slightly red,
went back to the boat
crumpled out my sleeping bag,
went to bed,
thought of all the words I like,
vermillion,
quill,
perhaps,
filling my head,
and then I open my eyes again,
there isn't much room here,
clouds are visiting
and the heat is no more,
get up,
put my feet on the floor,
swayyyy.
All a while ago,
slow,
converge sleepy beats,
still swaying,
pippin is happy and simple,
is that the way?
I wonder,
I love this song,
what does it stir?
"Be a simple kind of man,
or be something you love
and understand",
Unfinished paintings and poems
all looking at me from the floor,
unhealthy?
Half empty bottles too,
"finish me" they say,
go away,
finished films,
rectangles curled up
like sleeping cats,
waiting to unravel
and make me smile,
giving back lost thoughts,
then happy to know they are,
even though I knew not
of their existance before.
Get up again,
feet on the floor.

Ach, now I feel the yearing to write another poem, I guess it might bve a good idea considering that its late and I'm prone to ramble at such times of the night, no matter where I am or what I'm rambling about. The past few days have been classically weird. I actually feel like my house is floating and ebbing on waves. Its not, I'll have you know, niether am I insane or have been taking things. I actually was staying on my boat and my body hasn't re ajusted to the life of a land lubber, my poor boat. She is being taken out of the water soon because my family can't afford to keep her in the fascist rip-off marina. She is being sold :¬(
Well anyway, I went with my family to west sussex to clean her up to impress potential smarmy buyers. On the way there, my dad went to a warrick uni introduction thingy and the rest of us went to drayton manor theme park. That was fun but the first two rides were complete bastards, my sister suggested we go on "the one where you get wet" first. We did and I got the most wet. It wasn't the best thing to go on first, I was wet all day! That may have also had something to do with my dry clean only coat and the constant rain. The next ride was great as far as I can remember. There was one thing which ruined it however. My loving friend who relentlessly clung to my head for almost exactly a whole year and went through many things with me, finally let go. That damn roller coaster! Off it went and I proceeded to shout "oh shit!" regardless of the fact that my little sister was behind me. Oops. Oh well, poor hat, poor boat.
Staying on the boat was ok, which it probably wouldn't have been if I didn't have a connection to the outside world with the help of my trusty phone. I went on many walks on not many beaches, looking for strange and pretty things on the cobble stones. Now I'm home and tired, tomorrow will be a day of crumpets, tea, guitar, music, cats, solitude, painting and the computer.

A poem I wrote about a month ago...

A weekend of empty dance floors.

Stop frittering in my head,
like the throb and clench,
of that fist on the clarity this mind,
remembering those times not so long now,
reduced, weeping in in the rain,
hides those tears in the night with the damp,
shiver, no one knows I'm here,
like the fox in the road,
almost on the floor myslef,
finding the phone in my
crumpled towel like pocket,
smiling in the dark,
under the crying sky,
above those clouds, forever,
warm orange,
lighting the smile and glint of rain,
nostalgic pixles,
meant more than I remember now,
back to work, look ahed,
focus on the toxic fuzz,
home, home again,
sometimes like to be there when I can,
all over now, forget them, especially her,
no but not her, even if she you,
probably does you know,
make strong effort without the hope,
you were too clever, sorry,
close your eyes and come back later,
maybe more of that solution?
we want that for you but you still don't
so much like that taste,
unless pepper with guitar a bit,
wish u knew,
hard to make all you know,
some are good like him,
with that hat and nice smile,
'tis hard to squeeze at once,
like those bits of wood in canada,
in brown roads then stopping for nothing,
maybe, hopefully go one day,
when accepted by safeway?
don't want again,
too good for them,
I wait, stay up late,
writing half sleep,
half in half out,
almost in the day,
look for that other way,
looking all the time,
thrash in beside that van,
watching him roll it up,
like a sculpture after we got there,
throb all the time, must sustain it,
no one really cares just not cool to say "fed up",
sleep after the night, they all do, in the forest,
near the lake and the orange sky,
"oh I didn't know there were two of you there!"
because I came in too,
don't want to be alone much like that abmle,
pretty fresh eyes, even after that?
maybe wasn't "all that",
"this is shit" Yeah then we go,
just want to sleep now like that lot in their cars,
wasted teddy bears, pick nick of carling and pills,
in the forest,
walk down to the slate now,
muttering about the cherry gum because it tasted "so good!",
find an old house, pretend to be warm in fire place,
funny, makes me smile humble family in all this wind,
"once upon a time",
those swirls of fence like a sculpture,
next time I'll exploit with the camera,
lovely texture, grey and sharp, soft, round,
move on, back to the beggining of this,
I think that was the end,
"bye bye" over the hill,
"cya" more away,
"GOOD BYE!" just see head...
and gone,
alone,
I go back home.

I've got to stop dreaming of the apocalypse, I used to find it interesting but now they are more like nightmares.
This time a volcano exploded, I think it was a pryoclastic flow (spelling?). I was in my house and before I knew it I was breathing in sulphur and all the air in my lungs was turning into sulphuric acid. Yuck.

Message to all people in this part of Wales;

I NEED A BAND!

If you know anyone or are someone with a broad (when I say that I really mean it) taste in music, can play guitar, keyboard/piano, drums, bass or any other instrument (well) and are interested in making new and unusual music please message me!

I have songs but no one to play them with!

Buh, today isn't so good. I'm just about ready lecture the friends of my siblings on common decency. Its not on, kids yelling outside my room and waking me up, grr. However that isn't the only factor to the crapness of this day. I've got no one to talk to, I'm just stuck in this house. Everyone is a couple at the moment and I'm sick of being reminded that I'm not apart of one and actually and never have been.

I had another apocalypse dream. Global flooding and tsunamis. It was some dream, giant waves and people running for their lives. When it was over all structure in society had been destroyed and the few remaining people lived on mountain peaks. Hundreds of millions of ruined and rotting houses were everywhere with junk floating about them. People became unhappy and turned to drugs, alcohol, fighting and art for entertainment. I wish I could dream about nice happy things instead of epic dreams of aliens, dispair and destruction.

I can smell garlic but I have no idea where its coming from. Its a lovely day today, which makes me wonder why I'm inside, elftown eats your life kids! Ohh! Coffee from my dad. It tastes slightly of tobacco, blerch, the cigars I had last night were vile. It makes me wonder why I smoked them. Yesterday was brilliant, I'm officially on a foundation art course as of about 2:00pm yesterday. Nice teacher too. I was there with a very pretty and slightly strange girl. The interview I mean. She seemed quite nervous and put "etc" at the end of every sentance which I could no longer restrain myself from laughing at when she said it for about the hundredth time. After the interview I went with D, Dan, Danny, Martin and Peter to the pub to celebrate their end of college foreverness. We all got intoxicated, I downed some nasty looking vodka Dan's parents got on holliday, it was in a plastic paint stripper style bottle and my stomach rejected it onto Dan's drive. The pub was good despite my lack of moneyness, we had a "laugh" as luiz would say. After leaving the pub we stole these foam tube things from scafolding (I have no idea who thats spelt, tell me how if it bothers you). We used these trusty tubes for shakespearian/star wars style dules in the street. After that we went and sat under the stars in the Denbigh high school field next to our beloved tree. I drank crap wine, we talked about the good days and Peter removed part of a fence which made Danny irate for a while. We sang songs and made our way back to Dan's. The End.

Last night I dreamt that I was singing "dream brother" by Jeff Buckley. In a dream, weird.

Hey people, or whoever reads this, I'm guessing they are people too though. I don't have much to say. This is a nice song by the way...

http://www.sparkletunes.com/mp3/handsmix2.mp3




Ignore all the stupid stuff below, its nothing but idiotic.

Word of the week ---- mundane ----
Brr, I'm shivering and I can't tell whether its because I'm cold or my nervous system is making me feel cold because it wants me to curl up in a warm bed and sleep.
Right now I'm thinking too much for my own good, (above would be a good example) its a dangerous thing for imaginative people like me to have enough time (which I unfortunately have) to imagine every possiblity of everything. Its not comforting to think that all my favourite artists lost their minds. I need climb or be pulled from this lonely hole I think it would take more than the time between now and september (when I start my foundation course) for me to lose my mind, I guess I'll end up getting depressed until then. That is if I don't have something like a job or a girlfriend. Sorry my writing is all dissjointed, I can't round the subject off before the next thought comes. Madness, I'm trying to out run my own thoughts! There I go again! Argh, I need something to focus on that I won't get bored of. I keep getting tired and not being able to sleep, its really very anoying, it means I have to lay in my horrible wobbly bed thinking even more than usual because my only distraction is the sounds of my own movement and blackness. I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because its making me think less and the typing and translating abstract thoughts into words in a nice distraction, or even slows my thinking down that little bit so my hands can keep up. I don't know, its amazing how we have this shocking inabillity to define ourselves, you'd think that we would be the best at it! Arghh it all so deeply complex I get lost forgetting what the thought I had on that subject was thirty thoughts ago or something like that. I wish my memory was better, like some thred I could roll out along the way so I can find my way back. Mind, its pretty hard to remember something that you can't define because you don't even know what it is you're meant to be remembering! This is hopless! I can't sleep and go off into some lovely word of dreams. I could try and immerse myself in a book but there isn't anything I feel like reading right now apart from Keroac I suppose but I think I would just end up getting sleepy eyes, then going to bed and remembering that I can't actually sleep! Help! If only I had some kind of sedative, or drink. I've got to stop keeping empty bottles around my desk. I just get angry because they are empty all the time. I give in, my nervous system has gotten the better of me.

Hey people listen to this! Afghanistan's only girl band!

http://www.m-1.us/m4m_burka_band_-_burka_blue.mp3