19:02 — Well, it's a big entry so I decided to make it its own entry instead of putting it with the other one. I also put it in my LJ: http://veltzeh
One of my RPG characters had another one of those mental breakdowns ...sort of. Afterwards I decided to play it in a way that it wasn't that big a deal and blame the sudden fleeing on another character's (misinterpretab
I talked with the other players about it a bit, and since this isn't exactly a very new issue with the character, it got me thinking about how differently people react to things. Now, there are some things that can almost to be said universal, like the disliking of pain, but even that's not always the case. So, I started thinking about punishments. Granted, I've also been watching Oz (first season, apparently) and I symphatize with Beecher.
I'm one of those people for whom the knowledge of having done something wrong is an incredibly harsh punishment by itself. It does depend a bit on the situation, issue and how other people react to it, but essentially, that's the case. I'll regret my mistakes forever. However, since I know I work like that, I also actively try to forget the unfortunalitie
When I do something wrong, I'll regret it, dwell on it and avoid ever coming into contact with such a thing again. It makes me miserable to know that I failed – of course there needs to be the condition that I was absolutely expecting success or failing made things hideously miserable or complicated or something. I can recalculate results and retake exams, so while failing a university course sucks big time and makes me somewhat depressed because it screws my schedule, it's something that no one else but me really cares about, and it's all about mechanical reorganizing. However, if I did something wrong to someone without really knowing it, it's really bad, because I have no clue how to handle a situation like that. The best solution I've come up with this far is to be oblivious and not care, but that makes it worse for the hurt person, right? It's not a wanted outcome.
Then there's the factor of people scorning my mistakes or punishing me for doing something wrong. That's one of the unthinkable things for me: I can't really handle to hear other people say how wrong I was. They have no reason for it unless they were the target of my wrong-doing and I didn't realize it – all they need to do after that is just inform me that they would have like for things to be done differently. I usually realize that I've done something wrong and have a clue of how wrong it was and I'll dwell on it, regret it and feel miserable. If they come at me accusing and punishing, well, I'll be close to one of these breakdowns.
Therefore, when I know I've done something wrong, that knowledge is by far more than enough punishment for me, and what I want other people to say is instructions on how to not do "wrong", in case I don't already know.
Nothing like that has actually happened to me in a while, but I unknowingly passed this trait onto my character because I didn't know of another way – and my character is the one suffering now. X)
Related to that, I absolutely hate it when people say "you can get over it or you can go cry in a corner" or something equally dumbassed. That's one of the most annoying unfair things I've ever come across. Now, remembering the piece of text I wrote before this one, I'm the kind of person who dwells on things and has a hard time "getting over" things. Well, some things. But usually when this stupid phrase is used, it includes mistakes, misunderstandi
Now, here comes into play the same phrase as above: people react differently to different things. I try to do my best not insulting other people and I expect them to do the same, or at least learn when I inform them of my being displeased. I most often even try to not insult religious people, no matter how illogical I think blind faith (or pretty much faith of any kind) and anything that might fall under "religion" is.
So yeah, I might get a bit overboard defending transgenderism and yeah, some people might think that no, gender-neutral pronouns just aren't that important. So I say: if they aren't really that important, why are those people refusing to respect me even that little bit to call my character "it"? It shouldn't be that big a deal to them, right? Consequently, if they do think it's a big deal and think I should just use a gendered pronoun, there's the conflict of equality. If their genders have to have their own pronoun, why can't mine?
There are still some issues with the above that are unclear and somewhat illogical unless you happened to be reading my mind there, but I'm too ill to try to put it straight. I require leading questions.
Nevertheless, gender neutrality is a big thing to me and I do not appreciate it if people mock or belittle it. I expect the people I consider some sort of friends to respect it and not consciously make me feel miserable by disrespecting something that's important to me. (Yeah, transgenderism is just one example, I could say approximately the same about my drawings or my spellchecking trait. >_>)
12:16 — I'm still reading the archives of Commissioned, and while there have been awesome strips and stuff, this caught my mind for another reason entirely. http://www.com
It's all about the rant on the bottom, and not even the rant – I don't think there even was one. Nevertheless, the piece of interest says:
This time around, I decided to take mercy upon our more privileged abnormals who own screens that are simply too big for their own good, and thus can afford resolutions up to 1600x1200. If your resolution goes anywhere beyond that, you really don't need a wallpaper - all you need is to look at your screen and say "crap, this is huge".
I couldn't help but marvel how true it is. I have a 1800 by 1440 resolution and I just don't use wallpapers. It's enough for me to look at my screen mosaic of windows and I'm all happy. Of course, I don't use wallpapers even in my laptop, but that's just because I don't like wallpapers. Or maybe because the icons are enough of a wallpaper.
Oh well. My nose is still being very leaky and stuff, but I feel kind of better. Especially because I decided I wouldn't get up at 6 today, but instead slept through circuit analysis 1.
15:56 — Today I feel about two-thirds sick. Heck, my brain (and body) is supposed to be resting in a warm spot, but it's cold and I need to plan my schedule for the next period which starts tomorrow. I thought I could do it earlier, but then the damn sickness came and I haven't really done anything. Bloody courses. I'm just glad I didn't seem to completely botch the exams.
I drove to Helsinki yesterday to meet a channelful of people. That's exactly what happened, though it was sort of funny that when I came there, no one seemed to be up and nothing happened when I rang the doorbell and stuff. So I went to sit in my car and decided to try again. No use, but I noticed the door looked like it was open. So I went in and sneaked around until someone got up. Awkward as heck, but then we had a great time playing and stuff.
I should be doing so many things that I'd just rather sit here and write this stuff. So, I've been reading http://www.com
I gotta post some RPG stuff... and make that damn schedule... not to mention checking LJ and writing up a piece of text I should've written a while ago.
20:09 — Yesterday I felt only one-thirds sick. Today it backfired a bit again. I went to the university restaurants to figure out what to do with the already paid food portions I had on the card and I was told that they could be transferred to the new card, but of course not... meh, that's the kind of stuff that makes me damn tired. And since I'm ill, I've also been annoyingly cold. Being cold is nice, but not too much when being ill. Hooh. I also tried to go to the city, but couldn't find a parking space and I just didn't bother to go to a parking hall.
I think last week I saw an absolutely awesome rainbow over a lake I drive by. It was big and it ended up in the lake! I don't think I'd ever seen a rainbow that actually ended somewhere, save for the ones I made myself. It was damn awesome. I wish I could've taken a photo.
20:42 — So yeah, I'm finally ill too. My head's felt sort of swollen, I've been cold and my throat has been very annoying. This can only mean one thing... A sure sign of an impending exam week.
00:57 — Ostetaan mopoon mäntä! XD
Eräällä kanavalla oli puhetta Mäntästä. Kenenkään ei tarvitse tietää missä se on, vain se että ei tiedä missä se on ja että ketään ei kiinnosta. (Ihan sattumalta minä nyt kuitenkin tiedän, missä Mänttä on.) Sitä seurasi tämä kommentti: "Olen kerran ostanut sieltä kuorma-autoon tarkoitettavan vilkkuvalon." Miksi ostaa vilkkuvalo kourma-autoon kirpputorilta, vaikka ei tee sillä mitään? Tässä on päivän heräteostos, pitäkää hauskaa.
Tuo ensimmäinen lause on sisäpiirin vitsi. Se oli ihan liian hauska, kun se keksittiin. Ja ihan yhtä seko kuin tämä vilkkuvalotapa
07:00 — Yeah, I thought it couldn't get any worse. And then I managed to sleep only 3 hours. Aaargh.
21:22 — You're doing it wrong! http://maestro
11:14 — I was planning on going to school today, but my car wouldn't start. That's happened before, too, but this time it really didn't sound like it was going to start. I suppose it would've eventually, but it started worrying me, so I left it alone. Apparently it's got something to do with the oil. Oh well, at least today I don't have any lectures, just exercises that I can do later, too.
20:31 — This was a great short story. It's about humans that are neutered to make them able to go up to space and those that feel sexual attraction toward them. http://www.sci
21:46 — Just an addendum... I want to be a Spacer.
15:38 — My TV, VCR/DVD-record
05:53 — Blagh. They only way a night could suck more would be if I hadn't slept well the preceding nights either and if I felt like total crap. I don't, but last night still sucked. I had under 7 hours to sleep when I went into bed, and after that I just rolled around for who knows how long. At least an hour, probably more. Then I woke up during the night, twice. I don't know at which times, though. Then I woke up a third time, but I somehow guessed that it was near to waking-up time, so I didn't even try to sleep. And hey, I was right. I also had a dream or two, and they had to be the boring kind of dreams where I just speculate what will happen tomorrow. Could've been a nice chilly nightmare, but no, it had to be boring crap.
22:25 — By this time I'd totally forgotten that I even went to the university today. Anyway, I got my TV and video/DVD recorder and set it all up. They all worked fine, except together. The digital decoder (or whatever I should call the digibox thing... digital receiver, whatever) refuses to show me the video. Otherwise it's pretty squeeable, though I haven't tested it much.
22:01 — Damn 9-hour schoolday. This time I did drive home during the two-hour break, I was feeling like crap. Drove back then, though. It just feels a little like waste because the trip takes longer than half an hour (yeah, I know it's not a long trip and considering that I do have to drive by two city centers, it goes pretty fast too (30 km), but still. I like programming (but I might've added that just because I drew a picture during the lecture).
I heard today is some sort of pirate day. I don't exactly know why, but I've always disliked pirates. It pisses me off to see that stupid pirate-talk and I wish that everyone would just stop doing it. Maybe my dislike comes from the impression that they're wet and unclean. I don't like wet or unclean things. I hate sauce-like things when I eat and it makes me a bit sick to have to deal with dirty dishes (damn am I glad my parents usually do that stuff). Still, I almost never actually CLEAN anything, in fact. I just have a knack for not making a mess. :D Okay, maybe it happens if papers are involved, but papers are nice to organize because they don't get me unclean. I used to go all "yuck!" when I accidentally got an ant in my mouth or ate one or something but nowadays, if it happens, heck, I just eat it. They taste good, actually. Must be the sour acid... Well, I don't still intentionally eat them.
21:49 — Seems like I just get going on some days. First, in university, there was the programming exercise class. I think I made the best code that we were supposed to make, though that's pretty relative. Either way, score, I'm good. On the lecture I started making a class for the ROL character generator (I need to redo the whole thing because I'm so much better at programming now and so on), but I think I missed something said by the lecturer. It's way too easy to start ignoring stuff when programming. After that I drove to the Gigantti in Kaleva, but it was kind of crammed and I didn't feel good there. So I left and went to the new Gigantti in Lielahti. It was less crammed but I still had anxiety about talking to a salesperson. Well, eventually I did and bought a TV, DVD/video recorder, digibox and two cables I think I'll need. I also bought a fairly big capacity USB memory drive from the university office supply shop. So I managed to burn about 1400 euros...
Now I've managed to reinstall windows twice on my laptop and I just finished installing Ubuntu on my laptop and I'm hoping it'll work. Damn Windows update keeps complaining on this desktop comp I'm using, though.
15:39 — I figured out how to make C++ both accept hexadecimals from input and output them! I feel accomplished. Then the next problem hits me, of course. Why does deque hate them? :o
15:47 — As usual, I noobed hard. This is why I usually don't talk too much about my programming until I'm more or less done. I make a ridiculous amount of sloppy mistakes like that. :D
20:37 — I'm damn tired, recovering from my half-illness and I have the damn 9-hour schoolday tomorrow. Hooh. I already decided what kind of network card thing to get for my laptop, but I chickened out because the laptop isn't exactly very functional now. Zonealarm doesn't want to install on it and no way in heck am I going to hook up a firewall-less computer to a network. I'm thinking of reinstalling Windows and then installing a Linux on it, too. Either of those should better work.
If anyone's been wondering why I'm not logged into MSN, it's because the MSN protocol is a stupid self-absorbed bitch that makes Gaim crash.
23:33 — So yeah, awesome, I came down with a cold or something. I've felt half-ill today: cold, tired, somewhat brainless and probably quickly annoyed. I should be looking into exercises and assignments and stuff... Bleh, being ill sucks when you need to do something.
09:39 – Shortest lecture in a while. The first one ended over five minutes before its time and the second only lasted a bit over 20 minutes. Good lecture. :D Still two hours of electromagneti
20:31 — I'll pre-complain about my 9-hour-long day that I have tomorrow. Whine. Okay, then comics time. http://www.bab
19:30 — I figured it'd be appropriate to complain about my 9-hour long day. So, in the morning I left at about 7 and had to take my mom to work. From 8 to 10, circuit analysis 1 (yes, again, I fucked up the exams last time though I'm pretty sure I would've actually managed it had something weird not happened), from 10 to 13, electromagneti
23:19 — A petition of sorts... sign! I command you! http://www.one
18:30 — It's... dundundun... ANGST time! Make yourself comfortable and grab some very crunchy stuff to eat so that you can't hear what I say. I mean, "lose" your glasses so that you can't see what I write.
In real life, I sometimes say stuff that's absolute shit. Poorly conceived, very embarrassing and overall just very shitty shit. I feel bloody disgusted at it afterwards. But why do I say such things? Most often because it kinda makes sense on some stupid rudimentary level or something and because I haven't had time to think. I should just learn to keep my mouth shut and answer later. Why can't my brain come up with something reasonable right away? And why does it almost always happen in a way that I can't really fix afterwards, and if I do fix it, it'll still sound pretty pathetic? This stuff mostly happens when I speak to my family, but hey, the fact that in real life I mostly only talk to my family probably skews the statistics. Either way, it sucks big monkey balls. Why can I be so reasonable online and disgustingly unreasonable in real life? Is that thinking time so important or do I have some serious real life -disability?
15:58 — Last night, when I was brushing my teeth, an obnoxious lump of toothpaste settled on my tongue. I didn't bother to secrete drool to wash it off right at that moment, so it did it when I went to finish brushing teeth about five minutes later. Well, my tongue protested and was of the opinion that the toothpaste had raped it or something, so it was stingy and numb for about 15 minutes. Then it started settling down, though it was still being slightly annoying when I went to sleep. At least my tongue's fine now, though it wants to be extra mucous.