This is fucking bullshit. Lately everything is fucking bullshit. I'm so sick of all of this.
If I were to die right now, by most religions, I'd be sent to "eternal damnation" for all of my "repetitive sins", yet where am I now? I'm stuck in a place that might as well be damnation.

Let me rewind.

Well.. it appears as though this streak of bad luck began this weekend. I had it out with my boyfriend with all of this shit that happened, but fine, whatever, we "figured it all out" and things are just fine now. I also have it out with someone who claims they think of me as one of their "best friends" and supposedly we're fine now as well.
Then we have today.
Today being a royal pain in my ass.

It began with my appointment with a neurologist about my chronic migraines. The bitch thinks he's a psychiatrist and thinks he has the right to lecture me on how to live my life when it has nothing to do with anything. The fucking bastard has nerve. He wants to get in my face telling me that "So what if you can't write, you can at least sit in class and listen." What the FUCK is the point in that? I can't listen, I just sit there and copy shit down and do my work, I rarely ever listen. It's POINTLESS! Then he asks a series of questions which I guess was a neccesity, then proceeds to check how my reflexes are and all, another neccesity. Then he proceeds to ask me how my social life is:
"Do you have many friends at school?"
A few...
"Like one, maybe two?"
Well I mean, I talk to a few, but I rarely talk to them outside of school...
And what the FUCK does that have to do with my HEADACHES?! WHO THE FUCK I TALK TO IS NONE OF HIS DAMN BUSINESS! And why the fuck did he want to be a snot with me because I'm more interested in english and art then sports? So fucking what if I'm not some stupid jock doing stupid shit wasting my time, I have better things to do. So what if my imagination is better then my metabolism.
"So do you consider yourself a loner?"
.....
Right then, I wanted to deck that stupid asshole in his face. He had crossed the line, and I was sick of his bullshit. But no, it doesn't end there! Then he wanted to give me an even longer lecture on why I should go to college. That college was fun! Yeah, whatever.
Then I get home, and find out my Mom has been going through my buddy list, and discovers that Catherine is on it and goes off on me saying I still talk to her.
You know what, I'm sick of this shit.
I want to leave more then anything in this world.
Fuck school, fuck everything. What the hell do I do at school? All I accomplish is the extreme urge to go off on a rampage and kill everyone there.
Goody, I sit all alone at lunch, I sit all alone in class, I'm alone here. The only people I talk to don't live here, everyone that's here that I ever talked to my parents didn't like and they dragged me away from them. The only people here I'm not banned from have no interest in me or they just annoy me to no end.
I hate fake people.
Yet that makes me hate everyone, doesn't it?
Aside from maybe one, but oh well.
And he's probably the only individual that could relate with my current frustration and honestly be able to talk me out of some idiotic massacre.
I'm just so sick of this. How much longer do I have to deal with this bullshit? How much longer can I even take it before I just snap and either leave or worse...?
Why the hell do I have to stay?
What the fuck is the point?
Can anyone honestly give me one good reason as to why we're here? Why we live? Why we go on? We accomplish nothing, we do nothing. We live to die. Nothing more, nothing less.
Most people see the same things all there life, the same people, the same scenary. They even follow the same traditions, the same laws, most of it is all the same. And no, I'm not including the rapidly changing equipment that is destroying the very sacred soil we stride upon. That's another can of worms. Yet why should we go on for such a weak and meaningless reason? To go on, to breed, to torture another generation by forcing them to live the very SAME life that we lived.. What is the point... I really cannot see it. Our names will be forgotten very soon after we die, we leave no mark in the sands of time. But very few of us do.
Will they remember me?
Will they speak my name with joy or fear?
Which would I prefer? To live a joyous and perfect life, changing the world for the better so that they will look upon my picture and smile and say that I did good for them all, that I changed them and made them better people.. Or will they lock away my pictures, will I stumble into history books so that when my name is spoken by daring and brave mouths it will send chills down the very spines of those around them? Will I corrupt the world? Or will I simply open their eyes and reveal the very truth that lies beneath the damp earth?
I am not alone in this war.
Things will change soon enough, I just have to wait.
Things will be different, very different..

They will tremble at the sound of my name.

No one quite understands this agony, this misery.. Eternal anguish.. Locked up within your own mind.. To hell with the world.. To hell with its laws, it's wishes, it's expectations.. I have my own ideas, my own plans. I have my own laws, my own life. No one will ever control me. No one will ever tell me what to do, no one will be able to predict me.
We'll be an unstoppable pair...
him and I...

They'll never see it coming.

Their weak minds amuse me.. He'll always be the one who truly understands.. He'll be the only one to comprehend this anguish, and he'll be the only one who can ever cure it.
To hell with the rest of them.
They were never really there.

I'm an outsider for a reason.

I truly do despise humanity. Every exsistence is meaningless. I'm sick of trying. Nothing is ever good enough for anyone. Perfection is non-exsistent, yet that is what everyone strives for. Why try so hard for disappointment? The souls wondering this planet are too stubborn to face reality, and I can't stand the sight of it. Idiocy will eventually suffocate me and be the death of me. I'm growing tired of immaturity. The minds of our generations are doing nothing but wasting away before they even reach the outside world, or what is left of it. Why does anyone try to impress anyone else? What is the point in finding a mate when the only purpose is pleasure? Why breed those curious fools that will be the death of our beloved grounds? Perhaps I'm simply far too pensive for such an age, but I simply cannot bear this for much longer. Everything grows more pointless with each minute that passes by so painfully slow. Why does anyone bother with such a dreadful thing as life? Truly, I will not end my own life but why is death unwelcomed by so very many? Why fear such an offering? Why fear such an oppurtunity as death? Death is just another chapter in this horrid thing they all refer to as "life". I believe the only reason it is feared is because what comes after that last fleeing breath, that last blinking motion of your fragile eyelids, the last light dying within your curious eyes, the last twitch of your pale body, is because after all of that, it is completely unknown what will happen to you, or anyone. Who knows where we will be lead to, or where we will fall to.. Perhaps nothing happens at all. Maybe the very next day we will awake in anothers body with only the faintest memories of our previous life and we will be forced to live out yet another tragic story. Are there even any highs in life? Is there any way to escape the misery, the eternal anguish, the slow suicide? I've yet to find one. I constantly have the urge to just run, and never stop. Hopefully one day I'll get the chance to just get away from it all.. So I won't have to deal with all of the accusations, the heart break, the back stabbing, the choking... Just away from all of the pointless madness.... The continous miserable cycle.....

Okay.. So here I fucking sit, barely able to see the fucking screen..Feeling more empty then I've ever fucking felt in my life.. Sitting here, crying my fucking eyes out and writing.. Typing.. To say god only knows what.. I don't even know why I'm saying anything here to begin with. No one will read it here... So why bother.. But.. Maybe I feel like it.. Like.. A closure.. Maybe. Or maybe it's just to get my mind off of life.. Even though I know inside it won't work.. And no one will care.. Maybe people will just think I'm after sympathy..But I'm not..

So I'm sitting here.. Thinking.. Memories bugging me.. I keep imagining him in my arms, dying.. Again. Why do I have to face this torture countless times? Why won't it just leave me alone..... FUCK MY MIND! FUCK THESE TEARS! FUCK MY PAST! And fuck all these fuckers.. Who don't give a shit about me.. So I'm sitting here next.. to my best friend.. Who probably doesn't even realize I'm crying.. While she tries to fucking go to sleep...

And me?

I can't sleep.. I just lay there and fucking cry.. Like I've been doing for nights.. for weeks.. maybe months.. Very rarely do I ever fucking sleep anymore..

Why can't I cheer up.. I want to.. Deep down.. Maybe I am really happy sometimes now.. And it isn't just a mask anymore.. It's fucking sad when I can't tel the difference between what I really feel.. And what's just a mask.. What's fake............

What is real now....?

It's always my fucking fault..

I hope my blood keeps on flowing until I fucking die..

New username, fuckers. That's right. This one is bitchin'. Ha.

As the lights flickered from the passing storm, she searched for a match. With a quick strike of lightning and a loud crash of thunder, the lights quickly cut out. She passed the display case, a katana within. She felt along the walls for a source of light. She turned, her eyes adjusting slightly to her dark surroundings. She shuttered as his words echoed within her mind from previous conversations. She passed the display case once more, a flash of lightning revealed the missing blade. She searched the room frantically with her eyes, trying to seek out the intruder. She heard a noise and headed to the next floor. Quickly she found her way to the stairs, climbing them swiftly to meet her enemy, but as she turned the corner, the lightning revealed the opposite. There he stood, blade out with hatred in his eyes. She quickly ran into her room and slammed the door. He began to pound on the door, screaming madly as she searched for matches. Each pound of his fist upon the door was just as surprising and terrifying as the thunder outside. She struck a match, quickly lighting as many candles as she could. Suddenly he came bursting through the door. The surprise hit her hard, knocking her to the ground as she faced him, trembling in fear. He laughed, hatred dripping from every aspect of his features. The shadows from the flames danced upon his face, he had become a quick passing shadow. He began screaming at her as he struck her once with the blade. She stood, her arm bleeding, she cringed from his harsh words. She choked back her tears, attempting to hide her weakness. He struck her again, sending her to her knees. He danced upon her life and upon her soul. She bowed her head, barely able to speak, she begged him to stop but he heard nothing. He began screaming again as she held her hands to her face, hiding her emotions with the smear of blood on her face. He struck her again, what most would consider a fatal blow. She stood once again. He dropped the blade and pushed her down. She began screaming, not at him, not at herself, but screaming every last word and emotion on her mind. He dropped to his knees, hearing none of her words as she screamed them through her own blood and tears. Her chest bled violently from his last blow, with every breath she took and every word she spoke. He narrowed his eyes and dug his hand into the wound. She gripped his wrist and began screaming madly. Still he felt around as if searched desperately to end her life. Finally she felt her heart clench, tighten. Her eyes studied his face closely, she wouldn’t believe it was truly him, but it was. She felt him yank at her heart as she watched him. She let her hands drop from his arm. He screamed at her one last time and with a final tug, she saw her heart in his hands. She slowly relaxed, her breaths ending, her blood running cold. Her eyes were empty, glazed, but they sat upon him. He clenched her heart, watching madly as the last bit of blood fell. He dropped it to the ground; her blood covered his hands and his clothes. He simply turned and walked away without even looking back.

Uh.. Yeah. Have some lyrics? See how I currently feel, if you care.

Autumn's Monologue - From Autumn To Ashes

Now you don't

IT HIDES INSIDE MEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! HOOKS AND SPLINTERS! HOOKS AND SPLINTERS! IT HIDES! INSIDE! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

why am i condemned to this hell?! why am i haunted by these images that arent even from my own life? how did i get them!? what did i do?! why does he want me dead?! *collapses to the floor* hes eating my soul........destroying the only thing i have left..... X_x

if anybody wants to kill me, please go ahead...