its like when things r so crazy n ur world is spinnin round n u do something n its totally irrational but u do it anyway cuz u cant help it cuz u think theres something there n there isnt n theres not a snowballs chance in hell but u do it anyway n u obsess n u freak n then u wait 4 that glimmer of hope n it doesnt come n u risk everything 4 that one breif shining moment lik there was b4 n u sit waiting breathless as u hope it happens n it doesnt but u dont care cuz u want it to..yea..thats it

ok so lately ive been having weird dreams n it seems the common theme is Kyle, Dustin, fitting in and being accepted, and feeling lost around new ppl..i wont go n2 detail bout last nights dream but now i think im startin 2 worry bout skool n im starting 2 wonder how this year is gonna effect my self esteem..so last year i did the whole no makeup no hair style roll outta bed grab a shower spalsh water on my face brush my teeth run my fingers through my hair grab my books n leave kinda deal..the "am i even wearing the same 2 shoes?" thing..well this yr i think ill b a bit more girly n i think that its cuz when i was in the mountains w/cat n karrie..theyre more girlie than i am n the 1st night we dressed up 2 go out i wore a skirt (yes a shocker i kno i acctually wore a skirt! but dont go getting ur hope up..it was floor length) white ruffled hippie style that was so CUTE n i wore this red girlish top that was more preppie than anything i owned (basically it was just a red top w/a white sketti underneath..no big deal but 2 me i felt lik cinderella) n i straightened my hair n rubbed some of karrie john frieda stuff in my hair n then i borrowed all of cats makeup (n she had the good expensive stuff) n i just did my makeup lik i normally do but this time i played it up a bit..i put some color on my cheeks n eyelids (ok so the color was nude but still..its a start) n i just looked..classy i felt really pretty n then the next night we went out i wore some stretch denimish capris (they werent jeans they just looked lik it) n they were bleached on the sides n i wore cats striped girlie top that was bout 4 sizes 2 small so i was popping outta the top so i took karries white knitted shawl thingy n put that on..then straightened my hair n did the cutesy makeup thing again..realized i get more looks from guys then going out in flip flops, jeans, tshirt, n a ponytail so i had some discussions w/some friends *cough bean n manda* n i went out n spent almost all my money on makeup n hair product n a straightener n ive decided that i like feeling pretty it acctually makes my self esteem go up n i feel better about myself..not cocky just..confident i dont stand n feel shy n stuff n when i c a guy lookin @ me i dont think "omg..theres somethin on me somewhere" i think "wow i feel cute" so i decided last year was spent on not caring..this year, now that things have slowed down n im not on overdrive stressing over the new stuff..ill try 2 care a bit more so anyway i get home w/my bag of girly stuff n i go 2 check the mail n i pull out a magazine that my sister gets came inside n tossed it 2 her n then went n opened all my makeup n stuff..came back later n started flipping through it n got upset THOSE SLUTS STOLE MY LOOK! i mean..it was the whole..skateboardingish not caringish laid back rock tshirt look that i have had for..ever! n im deciding 2 become more girly when all my other girly friends r lik "dude i tried that goin 2 skool n ur pj pants thing! it was so fun!" agh! i guess im just destined 2 b different 4ever or something..o well ill get it right one of these days..till then..ill keep ya posted

ok so, im not sure where i am i do kno that im in m house (ya kno this thing really should come w/instruction manuals n i thank Ducky, and anthony, and bean for their help!) but i have a pic of a diary thats neglected n so i will make it happy by filling it w/my whinings! i mean..wat good aspiring writer would i be if i just left a perfectly good diary go 2 waste? so here we go!

well today is acctually the first day ive felt normal in a VERY long time..its weird but im not worried about guys or anything else! maybe most of it has 2 do w/my dad being gone or just the fact that its summer and i dont have skool or plays or anything 2 stress about..i lay around all day fighting w/my sister n being bored...although some stuff from the skool board came today n that means skool will b here b4 i kno it..august 9th is our 1st day..man o man..almost a month away..n ive gotta do the whole registering, book buying, clothes shopping, nike getting, shedual fixing, shot getting deal 2 get back 2 skool..but itll b kool cuz ive missed everyone n i cant wait 2 get back..so excited bout this upcoming year cuz its my 1st time in Ad Drama so its the 1st time ill have a class w/everyone n even tho john n everyone isnt here anymore *tears up thinkin bout it* its still gonna b awesome..im just gonna try not 2 think bout how many ppl r graduating this year..i dont think i could handle it..DUSTIN

so i will leave everything here to not worry about it:
boys-ok its pretty clear theres no guys @ skool that r into me or that i would consider..cuz..well..i kno all the awesome guys @ skool n i dont think theres any awesome ones across town so im gonna wait a LONG time b4 i start searching seriously..ill just hang out n wait n c wat happens n as far as nick goes..ok hes an awesome guy n ill always b able 2 borrow clothes n talk music w/him n if things were different yea id love 2 give it another shot but right now im just tryin 2 get him to stop hating me..and that seems 2 b working..so ill just ride that out n c where it goes kyle, ok kyle is my friend n ill always have love 4 him n ill always feel closer 2 him than most guy friends just for..certain reasons but ive just given up having that stupid idea that something would happen between us n this time im not even blaming myself its not cuz im not good enough or cuz im unattractive its just that he doesnt feel it..n thats ok i dont get weak in the knees around him anymore i think hes all kinds of wonderful n so beautiful both inside and out n i love it when he hugs me n rocks me all softly like..i just..love him theres no way around that i do love him dearly...but im not losing site of reality this time it wont happen..accepted it and moving on..i dont like kyle lik that anymore..although i will admit if he had a gf n they were together that would bother me some..but nothing i can do about it id just b happy 4 him

skool-not worrying about it i got all the stupid courses outta the way so i can start taking some things im a bit eager about Spanish II (yuck!), AP US History (totally did that in 8th grade so easy!), Arts & Humanities (the geeky things demi loves did THAT in 8th grade n its just lik Drama I so easy), ESS (astronomy n acctually stuff i can wrap my head around..none of that biology stuff), English II honors (yea i can basically sleep through any english class n still ace it..plus theres added bonuses when we read shakespeare!), Ad Drama II (me, kyle, dustin, alli, joe, duska, morgan, travis, n stevi..in a class w/a stage and costumes n props n the whole bit..for 90 min a day...enough said..u get creative), geometry (gonna hate it but its got shapes n i can do Pi so..it cant b worse than alg.), theres 1 more course im taking but i cant remember wat it is..anyway ill worry bout all that stuff in a month

thats all thats bothering me n really the 2nd one im not even thinkin bout..im doing ALOT better and i guess it was just a state of my depression or something but im fine now all kinds of contentment n may i just say i have DEFINATLY felt worse..right now im very content just bored n waiting 4 something 2 happen