I should be doing homework and the clock is ticking at me... Midterms this week. What is this? My fourth or fifth quarter? Possibly sixth? I don't know. I've lost track of so much. Life is full of hardships and joy and I can't stop thinking about how our choices shape our destiny. But you can't write a character biography on your epiphanies, and I have to wake up earlier to go work out.
The syringes lay in my fringe. Insulin and a chemical for pain relaxation. I get killing migraines if I don't exercise my stress off. I do more than anyone I know... full time work, full time school, a pioneering production company, a successful photography company, and various student work I volunteer to help with. I get migraines because I don't sleep, and there is more coffee running through me than blood. That is one of the many significant changes I have gone through--enabl
Why live in the past, hold on to pain, make yourself suffer? Why abstain from success? I'm watching it in every vibrant person I know. They know that only themselves can change their destiny. They know that the longer they hold on to this deluge of bitterness, the longer they stump their own growth. And people can't stick around other people who don't grow. Flowers don't bend to the grass, or they snap and sink lower in the soil than where they chose to bend.
....back to homework. I am writing a character biography. No I'm not... I'm writing this...
He's sleeping. God I love the peace on his face. This is the man who I am going to marry. This is the only man who has treated me right, this is the only man who doesn't feel the need to interpret himself through me, this is the only man I have been with, this is the only man who lets me be as I am and accepts that I have many pieces of me, this is the man I truly love. I should be doing homework so that I can crawl into bed and rest against his skin, and soak up the easy stroll of his breath...that requires a syringe....
Today was a long shoot. I worked with some amazing people. Started at 2:30 and didn't end until 6. We made good time. It rained softly. I wanted to go out and let the absence of sun tingle my senses... but alas, midterms take priority over sprinkling drops of joy, if only slightly.
The aromatherapy is kicking in. No, maybe it's the three glasses of wine I've poured down my throat. God it scalds. I slept for the first time in ages last night, and I slept good. But now I want to dance, and laugh, and rise.
I went to a clairvoyant once. She told me that my inner self is a phoenix, but I live among the iciest of castles. I asked her if that means I was frozen and bound to die. She said that it means I'm meant to melt everything around me into life. I thought it was beautiful. I stepped outside to the cracked and sand filled sidewalk of beach-side boardwalk, and by chance stepped in the only piece of gum that could adhere in such conditions as those. This made me forget about the beautiful words that came out of this gypsy woman's mouth, and I didn't think about it until just now.
We shall see if I melt everything around me, or if I succumb to be frozen as I have seen most do lately. Maybe I'm here to help those that need it. But I doubt it. I believe that any great leap in society comes from those who are selfish and set out to accomplish their own goals by means of their passion and talent. No one can be the same, and altruism is wrongly described. Altruism (to quote Ayn Rand) truly is the selfish man accomplishing for himself. For when we tap into what we are good at, what we see as right, with passion and vigor, we move mountains and change the world.
Goodnight, I am going to go make a hero out of typographical rhythm and substantiated white sheets of paper.
Dear World
I have not written in here for almost two years now
So I thought I would let you know how life is... It is fantastic!!
I have just finished up my first quarter at the Art Institute of Phoenix, getting ready to move out, and have this fantastic boyfriend (who doesn't like elftown...refe
Christmas was killer, my birthday is coming up, and I just sold half of my portfolio for about five grand to small company. (I'll have my new and way more impressive art up soon)..
Anyways, God has been faithful, and I just wanted to thank him and say hi to everyone!
<3
dead
We were whispering on the phone again, as we tend to do when we are tired. His voice was low and soothing, making me feel safe. Our words were mingled with breathing and throaty yawns, the symphony of a conversation on air waves.
["No... Sing to me."] why must he be so convincing...
"Ose Shalom, bihmromav, ho ye ase, Shalom, ale neu..." My voice was cracking and the Hebrew sputtered as the high notes mixed with trying to keep it quiet.
["That is the first time anyone has ever sang to me."] he sounded so content.
"Really?" I was amazed.
["Yeah... I am constantly... singing for other people and playing guitar... but no one sings for me."] Almost sad explanation as his voice ran like the wind through a willow's branches.
"I'll sing for you." I smiled. We listened to the silence, each other's breathing, something...
["Hey you.."] he said it childishly. it was a game we played.
"What?"
["Hey..."]
"What?"
["Hey..."] it was getting a little annoying, but still sorta funny.
"What?" I said it slightly louder and exasperated.
["Nothing."] he sounded resigned but smirkish.
"Maybe I should let you go, you sound tired...." I said it much moer quietly, not really wanting to go.
["No, I'm okay..."] another sort of game we played. Silence, gently washing into our souls. Sometimes I think we are to comfortable with silence..
["Christina..."] he whispered it normally. No more games, but still gentle. My heart skipped a beat almost.
"Yes, what?" I said it gutterally, trying to keep quiet and from choking on my throat.
["I think I am falling in love with you."] He said it so gently, so comfortably, so affectionately
"Yeah? I know I'm in love with you..." I was so happy, glowing, screaming in my head,
Please no dreams now, no more, this is too wonderful.
I was giddy. "Andrew, are you waiting for me?" I asked it even more quietly.
["I'm waiting for God..."] he was so confident of it.
"I like that answer." I started laughing, and I stood up in my bed, twirling. I started slowly... "Andrew Carrillo, I love you like the day is long. I love you more than the moon and the sun together." I started to march back in forth on my bed, getting faster and louder... "If you feel the same way then we should not keep our feelings a secret...." He started laughing at my silliness, and I became adament.. "Love is a gift that we should shout out to the heavens. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!.. and if you make me cry like they did in the movie, I have many people who will tear you to pieces."
Resounding on the air waves he laughed, and my heart soared..
penguins and platapooses (is that how you spell it?) are the wierdest animals alive.. so are snails, but I own those things, so the mystery is exploited.. yes, my snail is named billybobjoebob
The most beautiful movie, and the best movie I have seen for a long time is "The Village." Jesse turned me onto it (thankyou babya). It has beautiful music, beautiful (if not haunting) scenery, beautiful acting, and a beautiful script...
So for my b-day (it was yesterday officially at 1:00am) I would love to recieve that movie. It is gorgeous.
oddities of oddities
todays subject.. old men trying to be young.. ororororororor something like that...???!!
I was walking home today.. ahem.. yes I walk.. and let me tell you, I live in the boonies with old cowboy wannabe men... so I look up the street.. and what do I see?! I wasn't sure at the time, but it looked like two bigger sized men walking without shirts on, with pants and socks-- with sandals... and they were bald... so I thought.. oh a thirty something pair of gay men.. no problem.. then I get closer and I realize that those guys have got to be sixty or over, are wearing baggy shorts with boxers hanging out of them and are doing.. shock and dismay.. gasp... THE PIMP WALK!!!????!??
O.O O.o o.O O.O
have I ever mentioned that my sister is obsessed with certain things? Yeah.. like mentioning that her pants smell like old men on a regular basis.. eating top-ramen daily..
It just seems a bit wierd at times.. Then I have to remember that I am supremely much more wierd than most people, and that what I say probably doesn't count...
Haha... Today in church she got mad because this one guy named Dean says something after the paster EVERY time the pastor pauses to breath. You know, the usual "amen" "thats right" "Im hum." So Cherice snorted really loud when he did it today. He just sort of looked at her funny, and I hid under my seat because I was laughing so hard I was crying...
I'm not sure that people quite understand me anymore.. not even Josh, and he is my bestestestest friend in the whole entire world for forever and a day (sorry Andrew, but I loved it when you used to say it, so I stole it). I am definitely more mellow and patient, not to mention I hold a lot of my opinions back and think about them before I even dare to mention them.
I am not being conservative, I am being wise. At least, I think I am being wise. I realize now that words can effect people more harshly than wounds, and I would rather not say anything at all than mess someone up. So while I have fun I make sure it is all good hearted and not hurtful. I still have my moments when I can't hold back.. But I can only try to be so perfect for so long.. so forgive me if I hurt you, I'm sorry.
Well have a good day my minions (hehe) and know I love you .. and that you know you love me.
haha
Meezes
today my mind says good-bye, leaving rust marks where the water cup used to lie... and I'm saying good-bye to the ruins of a wonderful week gone awry... and I'm saying good-bye to this pain that keeps me awake at night... and I'm crying goodbye to the one I love tonight... and to you, my friends I say good-bye.
My beautiful crisis is nothing but a wounded heart trying to undergo hemostasis with vinyl stitches and a phone call to mi paramour. Sit and watch the hurricane of doubt rush to another body, to bother, and see me smile. All is good.
I am in miss of someone. And it seems that he is avoiding me. Which makes me a sad in miss situation. Explanation:
In miss = in like
you are in like with someone before you fall in love with someone, just as you enjoy company but are in miss when the company leaves...
I might have seen him if I had tried to call from a pay phone in Bakersfield when I passed on Labor day weekend.... well enough of the ifs....
[Just Friends]
When the stars are all forgotten
When the world comes to an end,
We will still be together
For I will always be your friend.
Though you are alone
You shall never be lonely;
My love will lead you home
For you are my one, my only.
Fate may call out your name
And life will lead you on,
And by the break of day
I know that you'll be gone.
I'll always be with you,
In your heart and on your mind.
I'll think of you forever
And in my dreams I'll find...
That certain smile that you have
And your shiny long brown hair;
Those deep cocoa eyes I live for
And your tantalizing stare...
The wait is tough, it always is,
But someday we'll be together.
For now it's you that I shall miss,
But I'll wait for you forever.
this is the monologue I wrote about my circumstance
Resplendant Repudiate
Character: Marisol, age 17
Background: She is a brilliant goth girl. Her parents divorced when she was young, and she had to live pretty much alone, because her father, whom she lived with, couldn't stand the fact that she was so much like her mother. Sometimes she is cynical, but when she opens up to someone she is very serious.
Circumstances: Her best friend wants more than a friendship, and she doesn't want to be more than friends. She is scared she will hurt him and even more scared that he will abandon her like everything else in her life. Despite that, she has been taking advantage of his love and is trying to break the vicious cycle of rejection, making him think that she liked him like that too.
Course of Action: Right now she is trying to explain why she would seem like she was leading him on, and why she has such a hard time opening up to him.
Setting: It's spring in a dead park. Larry and Marisol are sitting on a bench, Larry not giving Marisol much room and making her uncomfortable.
[Marisol:] I am invisible if I don't tell you because you'll write my lines however it siuts you. I haven't lied but you're not listening.
[Larry:] But you..!
[Marisol:] Yes, I needed your affection, but I didn't think it would affect me... [Larry glares at her] You are asking me to change without a word! Yah, we have in common trusting no one and I rely on you to want the wrong things...
[Larry:] what?!...
[Marisol in rushed tone:] But you long for the pain I can give you! [Marisol sighs and looks away for a minute then starts playing with her hair] It won't be long before I leave [Larry starts to interrupt and she puts her finger to his lips] Now we've solved the initial mystery. [A tear falls down her cheek and she gasps quietly in surprise. Larry wipes it away with his hand, startling her. She gets up from the bench gruffly and pushes his hand away.] God, couldn't we just be patron saints?! [Marisol feels more tears come down and just gives up on trying to stop them. Turns back to Larry and whispers] I'm not lying; it's time you started listening. [Larry nods and gives her more room on the bench. She sits down and calms herself.] I had to take the sadness of my life, and all the love I once had, and the fear I have of being alone... [She sighs] and make it into a stonewall to hide behind. To- [She searches for the words] to protect myself. I'm so protected, sometimes I feel like I'm barely alive, [She pauses] darling. [Marisol finaly looks up at Larry to see shock on his face and gets up looking him in the eyes] What else was I supposed to do? With a childhood to remember, where I never had affection; this was nice [She trembles and struggles to say it] something I wanted, something I.... needed. [Larry tries to hold her hand discretely and Marisol shrinks away and gets up again] But I can only hurt you, because I can never open up to you all the way, and I don't think you trust me enough to do that for me either. [Larry opens his mouth but she glares at him and he shuts it again looking at the ground] I am immune to emotion [Marisol gently props his head up with her hand] And because you disturbed my comfort zone [She purses her lips together and looks him straight in the eye] I hate you for it. [A tear goes down Larry's face and as she tries to wipe it away he flings her hand from him] Wait! But...
[Larry says in a hushed dangerously low tone:] Don't touch me. [ He gets louder and starts shaking] You DON'T touch the people you hate.
[Marisol trying to salvage the conversation to finish:] But.. I'm not done..
[Larry:] No Marisol, you don't have control over it this time, and you won't. I [He looks down] poured my heart out to you, [He yells each word articulately] I literally jumped off a bridge and followed you to my death. [He shudders and composes himself gripping his hands together to find patience] Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. Only when we understand our own darkness can we have empathy for anyone else completely in understanding and help them as they help us learn about ourselves. [Breaks out in a sob and lets his hnad hang limp] It's a friendship. And that is what we had, [Larry shakes his head and says each word slowly] or atleast I thought we had. [He looks up] We were abandoned and found each other. [He looks at her in disgust] But I guess you were just there for the laughs [He says mockingly] because you have no soul.
[Marisol looks pained:] Cut it out Larry, I didn't badger you.
[Larry says angrily:] Shut up Marisol, Just shut up. I mean honestly...
[Marisol grasps each of his shoulders:] You didn't let me finish..[Larry shrugs her off and pushes her lightly and begins to talk] Don't say it Larry or I will...
[Larry getting up and points in her face:] Fuck you. Now what are you going to do?
[Without even hesitating Marisol uses the palm of her hand and thrusts up into his face, breaking his nose. Larry yells and falls back on the bench. She then says in a hushed tone:] You know how I feel about that word. [Composes herself] I hate you, [pauses] yet somehow I still love you. [She glares at Larry]
[Larry says in a muffled voice:] Thats what you wanted to finish with?
[Marisol rolls her eyes:] No I'm still not finished. [She sighs and sits on the ground opposite of Larry] I'm less protected then I've ever been; invisible as a fish in the ocean. I've tried to understand the mystery of two people who could almost touch, except they have in comon trusting no one. [She gets up and paces slowly] I'm not lying when i say I've tried. I'm not lying next to you [She stops and looks at him saying solemnly] and I never will. There was a night we needed more than affection, though neither would admit it. [Marisol sits next to Larry and says while laughing slightly] To tell you the truth it couldn't matter less who wears the pants ot the dress, but only who becomes visible to whom. [She stands up and brushes off her skirt then looks at Larry who's nose has stopped bleeding and has started crying again] You see me truly and I saw all you let me. [She smiles sadly and turns while saying quietly] I'm not lying now and I hope I never will.
[Larry stands to follow but sits down again instead. He smiles back and takes out his notebook to write another letter he would never send.]
OMG!! he called me yesterday right after I prayed about it.. you have no idea how happy that made me. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked!! I missed Andrew soooooo much. And today it's raining.. my favorite weather!! "Yeah, 'cause life is just a bowl of fancy assorted cashews!" I am that happy! Today I have some cleaning to do but other than that I am bored outta my mind.. so I am making a surprise for my oatmeal butt buddy. Have a great day folks.
hehe on the way home from church camp my toes were touched like three times and at the beach I broke my big toe (I'm positive I did). I totally flipped out. After I bought jello and slurped it from the cup.. It just wasn't the same without Merina Katie Tim John and Andrew there... I miss them all soo much. Especially Andrew. I pray for him every night and listen to the top twenty cd he's on... We need to talk. Big time! I found this awsome college that started that one up in Seatle.. it's here in Arizona!! I am going there for one year and then up to the Bible college in Seatle we talked about..I think Ron Hembre is considering giving me a scholarship.. It's nice to have influential Godfathers lol...
I'm over you and your selfish attributes... suicide is not a manipulant.. it pisses me off...
you said you wouldn't lie.. you did. three times... you said you would never hurt me... you did.. more than you know... you said I was your only.... well I guess I'm not...
Here is some of my poetry...
~Letters to the One I Can't Love~
Sometimes I hate you
Sometimes I don't
Mostly I wish I had been the one you had chose.
And all the memories were forget-me-nots
Only in my mind;
For you they were she-loves-me-n
Holding me as much as you tried.
Sometimes it's your fault
Sometimes it's fate's
Mostly it's my fault for not saying it straight.
And all the beauty of your love went by so fast;
Your hand was slipping as I dove through the past.
Sometimes I hate her,
(You chose her instead)
Mostly my best friend, so I can only have regret.
And all the times you touched me,
You opened a door;
The times I touched you
I did nothing more.
Sometimes I fall so hard I break gravity;
Trying to find someone I can fall for, who will catch me.
I needed to find a speed to break that gravitational force,
To separate the two bodies;
Who knew the gravitational force would fail in its course,
Leaving me distraught, trusting nobody.
Confused, and scared,
I fucked it up;
Annoyed, done with care
You picked her up.
And all the memories are I-wish-I'd-not
Haunting my mind;
To you they are I-love-you-not
With her by your side.
~Love, Ever Changing~
Anger, in hasty words or blows,
Itself discharges on our foes;
And sorrow, too, finds some relief
In tears, which wait upon our grief:
So every passion, but fond love,
Unto its own form of redress does move;
But that alone the wretch inclines
To what prevents its own designs;
Makes all lament, and sigh, and weep
Disordered, tremble, fawn, and creep;
Postures, which render it despised,
Where it endeavors to be prized.
For others- born to be controlled-
Stoop to the forward and the bold;
Affect the haughty and the proud,
The gay, the frolic, and the loud.
Each nymph, but moderately fair,
With no less rigor there;
Behold as many gallants here,
With modest guise and silent fear,
All to one attraction bend,
While it's high pride does scarce descend.
All this with indignation spoke,
In vain we all struggle with the yoke
Of mighty Love: that conquering look
When next beheld, like lightning strike
The blasted soul, and made us bow
Lower than those we pity now.
So like the tall stag, upon the brink
Of some smooth stream about to drink,
Surveying there his armed head,
With shame remembers that he fled
The scorned dogs, resolves to try
The combat next; but, like him, if the cry
Invades again our trembling ear
We straight resume our wonted care;
Leave the untested spring behind,
And plagued with fear, the wind we out-fly.
~Cerulean Murder: A Metaphorical Standby~
Cerulean slashing into the eyes of the pallid young, breathlessly awaiting the dance.
Blue that pent up in the heavens and rebelled to be released.
Blue that screamed out in anguish, in pain, in beautiful murder...
The band of crows counted the moments to the feast, anxious to sup on the blood of the young, and the young looked to the blue with laughter...
Laughter as loud as the cry of the crow, the band of crows, the murder, in the storm's eye,
The beautiful storm, cerulean hue; beguiling and contorting the minds of the young, joining their deaths in the field...
Green and young, just as the children above on the surface,
Their feet gorging on the writhing soft blades,
Anticipating, unconsciously, the murder...
Flashbulbs of white struck off with no respite, searing the sky,
A catastrophic orchestra expecting the murder to be wrought upon the young
Who's feet feasted on the soft blades
Listless and wishful in the reflecting eyes of the beholder.
~Roundelay for My Sea-Bourn~
(an Eire Styled Ballad)
Oh! sing unto my roundelay;
Oh! drop the bitter tear with me;
Dance no longer on holiday
Like a running river be;
My love is dead
Gone to his death bed
Ashes strewn in the sea.
Blonde his hair as the yellow corn
White his neck as the crisp summer snow
Young his skin as the new born
Cold he lies in the ocean below;
My love is dead
Gone to his death bed
Ashes strewn in the sea.
Sweet his tongue as the flute's note,
Ready to dance was he;
Skillful on drums, his sticks always broke,
Oh! he lies in the sea;
My love is dead
Gone to his death bed
Ashes strewn in the sea.
Listen! the raven beats his wing
In the lower memorial;
Listen! the death-owl calls loud; he sings
To the nightmare as they go.
My love is dead
Gone to his death bed
Ashes strewn in the sea.
See! the white moon shines on high;
Whiter was my first love's shroud;
Whiter than the morning sky
Whiter than the evening cloud;
My love is dead
Gone to his death bed
Ashes strewn in the sea.
Here on my first love's grave
Shall the bright recognitions be laid
Not one holy saint to save
All the sorrows of this maid;
My love is dead
Gone to his death bed
Ashes strewn in the sea.
With my feet I'll walk the mires
Like the sea where he lies dead
Elfin-fairy, light your fires,
Here my body will forever bed;
My love is dead
Gone to his death bed
Ashes strewn in the sea.
Come with acorn cup and thorn
Drain my heart's blood away;
Life and all its good I scorn
Dance by storm or feast by day;
My love is dead
Gone to his death bed
Ashes strewn in the sea.
Jealous women, crowned with hate
Bear me to your deadly lies
I die-I come- my first love waits
This the damsel spoke and died.