mmmmmmmmmm sex.
Who doesn't love it? It is definitely one of my current addictions. Four times sometimes five times a day. On the couch, at school going up the side stairs, at the movies, in bed, in the jacuzzi.... Anytime. Any kind. Except anal. Because that is just wrong and disgusting.
mmmmmmmmmmm wine.
Who doesn't love it? The adamant fans of bud light who refuse to believe that there are better forms of poison in this world. Everyday to get to sleep, every night to stay up. To celebrate, to morn. And as long as you have tits, no one needs to id you, apparently. So anywhere I want...
sex+wine= heaven. Complete nirvana.
We kiss and turn and sweat and moan and then it's silent for a split second. I look into his eyes, sigh, and collapse. Usually our fingers laced, lips brushing, heavy breathing, backs dipping. And then the waves are rolling over me, senses enhanced. The slightest touch and I am over the edge.
Break. He holds me like the most fragile thing in the world. And for a moment I am. He sips wine and turns to share it with me, opening those lips so I can breath in his essence and the musty dew. All blankets are gone, for it is like the Sahara. The only thing keeping us from dehydration is each other.
Punch Drunk Love.
I drift off into bliss for what seems moments, then return to the lapsing kisses down my neck and over my shoulders. He likes my freckles and I like that he likes them. He nips down on my collar bone and I am murmuring his name.
And again we are in rhythm....
So maybe it isn't sex that I am addicted to. Maybe it's the absolute closeness between us. Maybe it's the warm silence after. Maybe it's the warm feeling going down my legs as the wine spreads in tandem with me. Maybe it's the way he whispers my name, the way he loves the littlest things about my body, the way he caresses then owns me.
And I will submit to him...
Taxes.
I don't get it. And I wouldn't have cared if I had been punch love drunk on pinot noir and good afternoon sex, but I wasn't. I was sitting at my parents giant house that's empty and void. See, I had over two thousand dollars withheld in federal and state taxes, but somehow I still owe the state money.
I hate money right now. It's tearing me apart. I work for money which dissapears straight back to that moron of a president.
God I wish I had some wine.
And here I sit, looking at student loans for this next year and a half. We need to get a better computer for homework and work, and could seriously use a more functional car than what we have right now.
GAHHHHHHHHHHHH
"Look at what they have done Michael. Look at what the homosexuals have done to my party. They're just so dramatic. OOOOOOOOOOOOh they just make me want to... SET MYSELF ON FIRE!!!!!" -Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development
ahahahaha and that is the reason I live... Arrested Development.
Yes I have lost my mind, and maybe I'm okay with it for now. I am running off of coffee, wine, and more coffee. An occasional poptart or two, and more coffee to counteract the wine.
And that is the life of this collegiate scholar.
Now I think I shall vent by painting and listening to incoherent screaming while dancing naked around my apartment.
Time to go home and find out what the boyfriend would like to do following my ritualistic cleanse of the toxins....
I can think of a few things =O ^_o
Mad doesn't even describe me right now. Vehemont, spewing, scheming. That is more like it. Is there an emotion to describe that? Oh yeah, LIVID.
I get to work, and I begin as always. I'm a productive and work-a-holic type if person, and I think I exhibit that in all areas of my life, especially work.
Check the email: 52 messages. Matt has signed me up for something without asking or telling me first.. okay.. twenty appointments, of which 10 will actually come.. administration was down while I was gone.
Look through my calls, add to the spreadsheet. Go get my fifth glass of coffee within the last three hours.. We only have decaf. Well that's a bloody outrage.
"Whenever you're done with making you coffee, we need to see you in my office please."
There sits Chris Politica. Shit. That means one of two things. Either he's there to promote me, or write me up in a formal meeting.
I sit down in front of Matt, Chris and the Chris P., and look at his desk. There is a formal write up. I am outraged. Number one--no verbal warnings. Number two--Matt is wearing this smug little grin. Then it hits me. I know what he is doing...
Late 8 times between December and January. Messed up on 3 titles that cost the business $600. No sense of focus, unpredictable productivity from day to day. BULLSHIT.
Tardiness? Okay I can own up to that. My fists are clenched and I unconsciously pop all of my knuckles. The Chris P asks if I have anything to say feedback wise? Do I have anything to say? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
As for the title work.. No formal training, constant pressure to rush through my deals to impress the customer with speediness. Lack of focus? I don't even have a job description. Unpredictable productivity from day to day? Um, unpredictable work load from day to day.
Then I point out real candidly that I have been offered 2 interships at production companies doing what I love, but in the name of goddamn loyalty I decided to say no. With this I pinpoint that I am not a bad worker, and obviously I am not appreciated, and I can definetly go elsewhere where even if I'm not appreciatted atleast I'll have a job description and predictable work load. I am a hot item on the market.
Chris P looks me dead in the eye. The Chris P. He is a God with DT employees. He looks me dead in the eye and says "You're cute when your mad. Thank you for the feedback. You are right on most points, but I still need to give you the written warning, and you still need to sign it."
He's fucking BALDING. I want to rip the little patch of hair combed over his shiny little round emptiness, and shove it down his throat. I'm cute eh? You ain't seen nothin yet sweetheart.
Matt is still grinning his pompous goofy ass chipmunk smile. The smug, I'm smarter than you smile. Little does he know that while he underestimates me, I will make him regret being an ass, and instead of firing me outright and not making me go through the agony of public failure, dragging it out in slow progress so he can find someone to fill my ever enlarging responsibiliti
"Christina, we just want you to show 100% effort EVERYDAY of your job. I know you are capable of it. I wish you had a passion for this job. Can you commit to putting forward a 100% effort for the next couple of months? For me?" That sly bastard.
I decide to play dumb. I nod, sign the paper, and The Chris P leaves. Then just as I am getting ready to leave Matt's office, and he chuckles, I turn around and with the most wide eyed innocence I could muster, I returned his non-polite grin. "I wouldn't ever do anything for you Matt. It's always for me. Just remember that."
Then I walk out. Sit down, answer the phone, transfer to the correct person, and resume updating my spreadsheet. It's time to find another job, and I've never been happier.
Should I make my finale a spectacle or leave quietly? Because I was thinking that on my last day I come piss drunk and vomit on Matt's shoes.
Poison of choice? Pinot Noir of course.
The warmth is spreading in my bones. Sometimes I am just absolutely stupid. I didn't think about how my shots, ibuprofen, and 4 glasses of high alcoholic level wine might disagree... But my head was begging to come off. The worst that will happen is an upset stomach and a long sleep---can't complain about that.
I love the warm feeling of tiredness that is dispersing throughout my muscles. God I'm a cheap drunk, but who gives a damn right now anyways?
Valentines day pisses me off. Because of hallmark, I have this ridiculous notion in my head that on the day of a bloody massacre in an attempt to control marriages, I should expect roses and candy. Well I didn't get either, so boo you whore.
I actually told him not to get me a thing. Because Valentines day is fake. It doesn't celebrate anything but multiple deaths that didn't lead to any kind of immediate remedy to a horrible situation. [It's the thought that counts, right? HA!]
Water water water flowing down my throat, and spouting out of a hole in my lip down my chin and through my cleavage. Holy shit it's cold! I've been thinking about getting surface bars down my cleavage in a pattern. It would look sick and oh how I love the sting of a fresh needle under my skin. I love how artistic piercing really is. I can design it to look however I want, provided that I think about proportion, balance, and aesthetics.
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
I should go to sleep, but my ears are stinging all the way down the back of my neck... My hair is getting to long. I'm not extremely happy about it at the moment. But he likes it, and I can't complain if it means more compliments.
Gah I miss him right now. And there he is snoring in bed. I think I shall join him and loose this terrible feeling of lonliness. Good night and happy Thousands Were Killed in the Name of Freedom of Marriage Day.
What We Are
Back to this again
A circular path
and not a Labyrinth
The truth is in the past-
I want the mystery
the unexpected
You love the chase
that you created
And I could blame and want and die
And you could watch with shame and lie
Yeah
You lie and lay and hold your breath
I stop to say, yet I'm held back
Typical oh typical
This is what we are
Stable and predictable
This is what we aren't
This is a reflection
I've seen it before
Sucking the life that you can
and begging for more
Oh darling you can't be
Just that oh just that
Once my inspiration now the source of every spat
And I could blink and bend and sigh
And you could yell and make me cry
(easy easy easy now)
You're on the brink and you need your fix
I won't breath a word, I have no patience
Typical oh typical
This is what we are
Stable and predictable
This is what we aren't
You're on the brink and you need your fix
Fill your veigns, your so vain
Waste of time waste of space
Sacrifice was your shot at the love that you want
But you'd rather inject because you're a coward.
I should be doing homework and the clock is ticking at me... Midterms this week. What is this? My fourth or fifth quarter? Possibly sixth? I don't know. I've lost track of so much. Life is full of hardships and joy and I can't stop thinking about how our choices shape our destiny. But you can't write a character biography on your epiphanies, and I have to wake up earlier to go work out.
The syringes lay in my fringe. Insulin and a chemical for pain relaxation. I get killing migraines if I don't exercise my stress off. I do more than anyone I know... full time work, full time school, a pioneering production company, a successful photography company, and various student work I volunteer to help with. I get migraines because I don't sleep, and there is more coffee running through me than blood. That is one of the many significant changes I have gone through--enabl
Why live in the past, hold on to pain, make yourself suffer? Why abstain from success? I'm watching it in every vibrant person I know. They know that only themselves can change their destiny. They know that the longer they hold on to this deluge of bitterness, the longer they stump their own growth. And people can't stick around other people who don't grow. Flowers don't bend to the grass, or they snap and sink lower in the soil than where they chose to bend.
....back to homework. I am writing a character biography. No I'm not... I'm writing this...
He's sleeping. God I love the peace on his face. This is the man who I am going to marry. This is the only man who has treated me right, this is the only man who doesn't feel the need to interpret himself through me, this is the only man I have been with, this is the only man who lets me be as I am and accepts that I have many pieces of me, this is the man I truly love. I should be doing homework so that I can crawl into bed and rest against his skin, and soak up the easy stroll of his breath...that requires a syringe....
Today was a long shoot. I worked with some amazing people. Started at 2:30 and didn't end until 6. We made good time. It rained softly. I wanted to go out and let the absence of sun tingle my senses... but alas, midterms take priority over sprinkling drops of joy, if only slightly.
The aromatherapy is kicking in. No, maybe it's the three glasses of wine I've poured down my throat. God it scalds. I slept for the first time in ages last night, and I slept good. But now I want to dance, and laugh, and rise.
I went to a clairvoyant once. She told me that my inner self is a phoenix, but I live among the iciest of castles. I asked her if that means I was frozen and bound to die. She said that it means I'm meant to melt everything around me into life. I thought it was beautiful. I stepped outside to the cracked and sand filled sidewalk of beach-side boardwalk, and by chance stepped in the only piece of gum that could adhere in such conditions as those. This made me forget about the beautiful words that came out of this gypsy woman's mouth, and I didn't think about it until just now.
We shall see if I melt everything around me, or if I succumb to be frozen as I have seen most do lately. Maybe I'm here to help those that need it. But I doubt it. I believe that any great leap in society comes from those who are selfish and set out to accomplish their own goals by means of their passion and talent. No one can be the same, and altruism is wrongly described. Altruism (to quote Ayn Rand) truly is the selfish man accomplishing for himself. For when we tap into what we are good at, what we see as right, with passion and vigor, we move mountains and change the world.
Goodnight, I am going to go make a hero out of typographical rhythm and substantiated white sheets of paper.
Dear World
I have not written in here for almost two years now
So I thought I would let you know how life is... It is fantastic!!
I have just finished up my first quarter at the Art Institute of Phoenix, getting ready to move out, and have this fantastic boyfriend (who doesn't like elftown...refe
Christmas was killer, my birthday is coming up, and I just sold half of my portfolio for about five grand to small company. (I'll have my new and way more impressive art up soon)..
Anyways, God has been faithful, and I just wanted to thank him and say hi to everyone!
<3
dead
We were whispering on the phone again, as we tend to do when we are tired. His voice was low and soothing, making me feel safe. Our words were mingled with breathing and throaty yawns, the symphony of a conversation on air waves.
["No... Sing to me."] why must he be so convincing...
"Ose Shalom, bihmromav, ho ye ase, Shalom, ale neu..." My voice was cracking and the Hebrew sputtered as the high notes mixed with trying to keep it quiet.
["That is the first time anyone has ever sang to me."] he sounded so content.
"Really?" I was amazed.
["Yeah... I am constantly... singing for other people and playing guitar... but no one sings for me."] Almost sad explanation as his voice ran like the wind through a willow's branches.
"I'll sing for you." I smiled. We listened to the silence, each other's breathing, something...
["Hey you.."] he said it childishly. it was a game we played.
"What?"
["Hey..."]
"What?"
["Hey..."] it was getting a little annoying, but still sorta funny.
"What?" I said it slightly louder and exasperated.
["Nothing."] he sounded resigned but smirkish.
"Maybe I should let you go, you sound tired...." I said it much moer quietly, not really wanting to go.
["No, I'm okay..."] another sort of game we played. Silence, gently washing into our souls. Sometimes I think we are to comfortable with silence..
["Christina..."] he whispered it normally. No more games, but still gentle. My heart skipped a beat almost.
"Yes, what?" I said it gutterally, trying to keep quiet and from choking on my throat.
["I think I am falling in love with you."] He said it so gently, so comfortably, so affectionately
"Yeah? I know I'm in love with you..." I was so happy, glowing, screaming in my head,
Please no dreams now, no more, this is too wonderful.
I was giddy. "Andrew, are you waiting for me?" I asked it even more quietly.
["I'm waiting for God..."] he was so confident of it.
"I like that answer." I started laughing, and I stood up in my bed, twirling. I started slowly... "Andrew Carrillo, I love you like the day is long. I love you more than the moon and the sun together." I started to march back in forth on my bed, getting faster and louder... "If you feel the same way then we should not keep our feelings a secret...." He started laughing at my silliness, and I became adament.. "Love is a gift that we should shout out to the heavens. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!.. and if you make me cry like they did in the movie, I have many people who will tear you to pieces."
Resounding on the air waves he laughed, and my heart soared..
penguins and platapooses (is that how you spell it?) are the wierdest animals alive.. so are snails, but I own those things, so the mystery is exploited.. yes, my snail is named billybobjoebob
The most beautiful movie, and the best movie I have seen for a long time is "The Village." Jesse turned me onto it (thankyou babya). It has beautiful music, beautiful (if not haunting) scenery, beautiful acting, and a beautiful script...
So for my b-day (it was yesterday officially at 1:00am) I would love to recieve that movie. It is gorgeous.
oddities of oddities
todays subject.. old men trying to be young.. ororororororor something like that...???!!
I was walking home today.. ahem.. yes I walk.. and let me tell you, I live in the boonies with old cowboy wannabe men... so I look up the street.. and what do I see?! I wasn't sure at the time, but it looked like two bigger sized men walking without shirts on, with pants and socks-- with sandals... and they were bald... so I thought.. oh a thirty something pair of gay men.. no problem.. then I get closer and I realize that those guys have got to be sixty or over, are wearing baggy shorts with boxers hanging out of them and are doing.. shock and dismay.. gasp... THE PIMP WALK!!!????!??
O.O O.o o.O O.O
have I ever mentioned that my sister is obsessed with certain things? Yeah.. like mentioning that her pants smell like old men on a regular basis.. eating top-ramen daily..
It just seems a bit wierd at times.. Then I have to remember that I am supremely much more wierd than most people, and that what I say probably doesn't count...
Haha... Today in church she got mad because this one guy named Dean says something after the paster EVERY time the pastor pauses to breath. You know, the usual "amen" "thats right" "Im hum." So Cherice snorted really loud when he did it today. He just sort of looked at her funny, and I hid under my seat because I was laughing so hard I was crying...
I'm not sure that people quite understand me anymore.. not even Josh, and he is my bestestestest friend in the whole entire world for forever and a day (sorry Andrew, but I loved it when you used to say it, so I stole it). I am definitely more mellow and patient, not to mention I hold a lot of my opinions back and think about them before I even dare to mention them.
I am not being conservative, I am being wise. At least, I think I am being wise. I realize now that words can effect people more harshly than wounds, and I would rather not say anything at all than mess someone up. So while I have fun I make sure it is all good hearted and not hurtful. I still have my moments when I can't hold back.. But I can only try to be so perfect for so long.. so forgive me if I hurt you, I'm sorry.
Well have a good day my minions (hehe) and know I love you .. and that you know you love me.
haha
Meezes
today my mind says good-bye, leaving rust marks where the water cup used to lie... and I'm saying good-bye to the ruins of a wonderful week gone awry... and I'm saying good-bye to this pain that keeps me awake at night... and I'm crying goodbye to the one I love tonight... and to you, my friends I say good-bye.
My beautiful crisis is nothing but a wounded heart trying to undergo hemostasis with vinyl stitches and a phone call to mi paramour. Sit and watch the hurricane of doubt rush to another body, to bother, and see me smile. All is good.
I am in miss of someone. And it seems that he is avoiding me. Which makes me a sad in miss situation. Explanation:
In miss = in like
you are in like with someone before you fall in love with someone, just as you enjoy company but are in miss when the company leaves...
I might have seen him if I had tried to call from a pay phone in Bakersfield when I passed on Labor day weekend.... well enough of the ifs....
[Just Friends]
When the stars are all forgotten
When the world comes to an end,
We will still be together
For I will always be your friend.
Though you are alone
You shall never be lonely;
My love will lead you home
For you are my one, my only.
Fate may call out your name
And life will lead you on,
And by the break of day
I know that you'll be gone.
I'll always be with you,
In your heart and on your mind.
I'll think of you forever
And in my dreams I'll find...
That certain smile that you have
And your shiny long brown hair;
Those deep cocoa eyes I live for
And your tantalizing stare...
The wait is tough, it always is,
But someday we'll be together.
For now it's you that I shall miss,
But I'll wait for you forever.
this is the monologue I wrote about my circumstance
Resplendant Repudiate
Character: Marisol, age 17
Background: She is a brilliant goth girl. Her parents divorced when she was young, and she had to live pretty much alone, because her father, whom she lived with, couldn't stand the fact that she was so much like her mother. Sometimes she is cynical, but when she opens up to someone she is very serious.
Circumstances: Her best friend wants more than a friendship, and she doesn't want to be more than friends. She is scared she will hurt him and even more scared that he will abandon her like everything else in her life. Despite that, she has been taking advantage of his love and is trying to break the vicious cycle of rejection, making him think that she liked him like that too.
Course of Action: Right now she is trying to explain why she would seem like she was leading him on, and why she has such a hard time opening up to him.
Setting: It's spring in a dead park. Larry and Marisol are sitting on a bench, Larry not giving Marisol much room and making her uncomfortable.
[Marisol:] I am invisible if I don't tell you because you'll write my lines however it siuts you. I haven't lied but you're not listening.
[Larry:] But you..!
[Marisol:] Yes, I needed your affection, but I didn't think it would affect me... [Larry glares at her] You are asking me to change without a word! Yah, we have in common trusting no one and I rely on you to want the wrong things...
[Larry:] what?!...
[Marisol in rushed tone:] But you long for the pain I can give you! [Marisol sighs and looks away for a minute then starts playing with her hair] It won't be long before I leave [Larry starts to interrupt and she puts her finger to his lips] Now we've solved the initial mystery. [A tear falls down her cheek and she gasps quietly in surprise. Larry wipes it away with his hand, startling her. She gets up from the bench gruffly and pushes his hand away.] God, couldn't we just be patron saints?! [Marisol feels more tears come down and just gives up on trying to stop them. Turns back to Larry and whispers] I'm not lying; it's time you started listening. [Larry nods and gives her more room on the bench. She sits down and calms herself.] I had to take the sadness of my life, and all the love I once had, and the fear I have of being alone... [She sighs] and make it into a stonewall to hide behind. To- [She searches for the words] to protect myself. I'm so protected, sometimes I feel like I'm barely alive, [She pauses] darling. [Marisol finaly looks up at Larry to see shock on his face and gets up looking him in the eyes] What else was I supposed to do? With a childhood to remember, where I never had affection; this was nice [She trembles and struggles to say it] something I wanted, something I.... needed. [Larry tries to hold her hand discretely and Marisol shrinks away and gets up again] But I can only hurt you, because I can never open up to you all the way, and I don't think you trust me enough to do that for me either. [Larry opens his mouth but she glares at him and he shuts it again looking at the ground] I am immune to emotion [Marisol gently props his head up with her hand] And because you disturbed my comfort zone [She purses her lips together and looks him straight in the eye] I hate you for it. [A tear goes down Larry's face and as she tries to wipe it away he flings her hand from him] Wait! But...
[Larry says in a hushed dangerously low tone:] Don't touch me. [ He gets louder and starts shaking] You DON'T touch the people you hate.
[Marisol trying to salvage the conversation to finish:] But.. I'm not done..
[Larry:] No Marisol, you don't have control over it this time, and you won't. I [He looks down] poured my heart out to you, [He yells each word articulately] I literally jumped off a bridge and followed you to my death. [He shudders and composes himself gripping his hands together to find patience] Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. Only when we understand our own darkness can we have empathy for anyone else completely in understanding and help them as they help us learn about ourselves. [Breaks out in a sob and lets his hnad hang limp] It's a friendship. And that is what we had, [Larry shakes his head and says each word slowly] or atleast I thought we had. [He looks up] We were abandoned and found each other. [He looks at her in disgust] But I guess you were just there for the laughs [He says mockingly] because you have no soul.
[Marisol looks pained:] Cut it out Larry, I didn't badger you.
[Larry says angrily:] Shut up Marisol, Just shut up. I mean honestly...
[Marisol grasps each of his shoulders:] You didn't let me finish..[Larry shrugs her off and pushes her lightly and begins to talk] Don't say it Larry or I will...
[Larry getting up and points in her face:] Fuck you. Now what are you going to do?
[Without even hesitating Marisol uses the palm of her hand and thrusts up into his face, breaking his nose. Larry yells and falls back on the bench. She then says in a hushed tone:] You know how I feel about that word. [Composes herself] I hate you, [pauses] yet somehow I still love you. [She glares at Larry]
[Larry says in a muffled voice:] Thats what you wanted to finish with?
[Marisol rolls her eyes:] No I'm still not finished. [She sighs and sits on the ground opposite of Larry] I'm less protected then I've ever been; invisible as a fish in the ocean. I've tried to understand the mystery of two people who could almost touch, except they have in comon trusting no one. [She gets up and paces slowly] I'm not lying when i say I've tried. I'm not lying next to you [She stops and looks at him saying solemnly] and I never will. There was a night we needed more than affection, though neither would admit it. [Marisol sits next to Larry and says while laughing slightly] To tell you the truth it couldn't matter less who wears the pants ot the dress, but only who becomes visible to whom. [She stands up and brushes off her skirt then looks at Larry who's nose has stopped bleeding and has started crying again] You see me truly and I saw all you let me. [She smiles sadly and turns while saying quietly] I'm not lying now and I hope I never will.
[Larry stands to follow but sits down again instead. He smiles back and takes out his notebook to write another letter he would never send.]
OMG!! he called me yesterday right after I prayed about it.. you have no idea how happy that made me. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked!! I missed Andrew soooooo much. And today it's raining.. my favorite weather!! "Yeah, 'cause life is just a bowl of fancy assorted cashews!" I am that happy! Today I have some cleaning to do but other than that I am bored outta my mind.. so I am making a surprise for my oatmeal butt buddy. Have a great day folks.
hehe on the way home from church camp my toes were touched like three times and at the beach I broke my big toe (I'm positive I did). I totally flipped out. After I bought jello and slurped it from the cup.. It just wasn't the same without Merina Katie Tim John and Andrew there... I miss them all soo much. Especially Andrew. I pray for him every night and listen to the top twenty cd he's on... We need to talk. Big time! I found this awsome college that started that one up in Seatle.. it's here in Arizona!! I am going there for one year and then up to the Bible college in Seatle we talked about..I think Ron Hembre is considering giving me a scholarship.. It's nice to have influential Godfathers lol...
I'm over you and your selfish attributes... suicide is not a manipulant.. it pisses me off...