do you know how much i want you? i want every fiber of your being... down to the courses you take on the coast. your mind can be yours, your body directed by yourself... but the words you give me will always be mine.

you shall be the subject of my greatest study.

it's in these lonely hours i feel strongest. sitting next to you again, the light flickering on the screen, your skin not quite touching, but the heat lingering in your presence--this is when i must force my body to obey my mind... and force my mind to not act...

i could drink your sin like wine. we could act on this tension. you had to get up twice tonight, each time you returned, you leaned closer. my posture was immaculate, my back never leaning or hunching in any direction but upwards...

your rugged fingers danced only once one my shoulder... i think you like having the power to make me tremble.

this is a losing battle. perhaps our resistance to action now, is our penance for thoughts we are aware of. 

as your fingers lightly traced the outline of my bone, you leaned over.

"your breath goes to the timing of the music."

you said it proudly, as if to boast something. and then your hand dropped lightly onto your thigh. 

i knew you wanted me to lean in towards you, let my hair drop near your neck, take your hand.

this is the game we play though... and so far i'm "winning..."

when you're stumbling over your finger tips, waiting for my breath to rise, do you consider the effect you have on me... the very touch, your glance, your hypnotic smile?

it's been weeks and when my thoughts wander, i freeze. 

the blast of tepid air kept circling my steps. sometimes i close my eyes and imagine with each step an orb of color is deposited on whatever i step on. it's an exercise of focus, and that morning i was utilizing it with desperation.

in one side of my thoughts resided an insolent pride--we had created it, and despite everyone trying to stop us, we had not only succeeded, the very people who had tried to stop us were now the ones carrying it through an extended run. i knew the film like my palm--i had written it beside you, seeing in my mind every perceptual still frame; i had not seen it with my eyes as of yet, wanting only to drink it in with you by my side, knowing the consequences of a dark room and your green eyes watching my reactions to my written words given the breath of life by your vision.

gray pervaded the sky, but not the dark dank gray of melancholy. this gray was airy, light, as if embracing the rays of the sun and the blue of the atmosphere. the cinder block of the building might as well have been marble, with how reverently i glanced up at the show times; the matinee might as well been a lost temple, sacred yet strikingly empty.

"one adult ticket please."
"for the showing right now?"
"yes."
"your ticket is at will call, miss."

beat.

"how do you know it's mine?"
"because i was told the only person who would come this early would be a girl with long brown hair."
"it has already been purchased?"
"yes ma'am."
"please let me at least pay for an additional admission."
"but ma'am! you already have a ticket waiting for you."
"i insist."
"alright, if you insist. it's going to be theatre 14, on the left."

he handed me the stub, and i walked through the glass doors with blocks of invisible concrete making an exercise of my will to continue forward. the deep red of the carpet, and soft yellow of the overhead lamps instantly made me think of dante's inferno--the choice to continue forward was a labored effort of my conscious mind battling with my subconscious' chiding emotional plight.

shuffling across the hot coals of the carpet, i bent my head to the beating heat of the mood lighting above. i knew you were watching my arrival, before i even looked up. when i fully realized your telescope eyes, it caused an instantaneous pull--one half of me instantly redeemed by the value of your gaze, strongly pulled me forward, demanded that i straighten my spine, and pull my chin out of my chest, i had returned as the queen to her rightful throne; the opposing part of me screaming in my head that your eyes would damn me with treason, screaming that i run before the gauntlet opened to the world around me and swallowed my dry throat in an abyss of guilt, making due fact of the ridiculous notion that i may be the hanging man in this situation.

my eyes drifted to focus with wide open dilation--meeting the strong volition of your mocking smile, traveling upwards to your wrinkled nose, finally stopping at your green eyes. in that moment i felt a surge of strength for being there, and the receding of my will to go forward without you. i needed you to sit beside me for this. i needed you always. 

"you're not nearly as endearing without the pen marks on your chin." you teased me softly, daring a new world of familiarity between us.

"funny, i see a lens attached to your eye, no matter what you wear, or where you are." i returned it in blows, my eyes never turning away. your smile widened like an open field of daisies, looking up to the sky in exaltation of themselves and the light they demanded.

"shall we?" you held your arm out.

i knew more than anything what that touch would mean. and if i were to loop my arm in yours, there would be no welcome return to this inferno. if i ever attempted to return, i would endure more pain than i had walking through the entrance of the theater. not because i was ashamed of taking your arm--the opposite, actually; if i were to be ripped away from the feeling of ecstasy when i joined your side, i would be spurned into a darkness far worse than what i would be willing to endure to keep your lips, fingers, words, and mind.

i stepped forward, and curled my arm and side into the comforting angles of your body.

i was home.

pour it down, feel it steam my veins, dull my pulse. this deep blue dress feels smooth against my legs.. i even curled my hair... it fell in loose ringlets around my neck, like soft branches on a willow tree.

'don't come. it's unbearable. we should celebrate without hesitation, and tonight offers no solace of that sort. tomorrow we can see it in peace. i'll be there at 11:30 for the early showing--we'll have it to ourselves. i'll see you then."

i'm drinking the '89 pinot noir that i would have given to your wife to celebrate your victory... our victory...

in my palm i'm crushing the stem of my glass, and drinking this down as fast as possible. if i do this, i embrace everything i know is right, while commiting a terrible wrong. if i don't, i'm damned to remember what might be. damned to this mediocre life of apologizing for what i am. damned to keep silent the looks, my trembling fingers, the adoration of your smile... our work...

drink drink drink. forget.

i am sick with anticipation. let this work pay off. if it does not, i have failed, simply because i have not done enough to achieve that which i seek. breath in. breath out.

seeing those words made my breath catch in my throat, like a wave pausing at the shore. 

"come to the premier tomorrow?"

the undercurrent of that question shocked me in pleasure, pain, supreme aching desire. you are my match, by 20 years senior. with dull precise flashes of pain, i see your eyes, as i close mine. the green, bright, light, resolute. like a piece of jade, centered in a temple. yes, your mind is a temple, and i find my solitude within your thoughts.

"we'll both be happy to see you."

my mind wanders past the blinding light which is unwarranted hope, to the reality which is your wife. it was a courtesy, letting me know i will carry this pain, and have to do so with the austere mockery of indifference. what i feel for you is anything but indifference.

i will carry this pain, as she holds your arm and basks in the glory she did nothing to contribute. countless nights of you visiting me. we'd get coffee at a dime shop, almost as if transported into the twenties again. she had yelled, screamed, begged that you not obsess over these moving pictures and soundless words and meaningful stories stuck in your mind. you'd seek your solace over a cup of coffee, as you dictated your thoughts to me, and i wrapped them in my strongest ink, healing the wounds of indifferent contempt for the very piece of you that gives you the pristine facets everyone wants.

we never touched. these moments couldn't be stolen by vulgar physical comfort.  but not once did our eyes look away. the waitress would come to refill, and we'd both utter quietly yes please, signaling with a small tilt of the neck, but never looking away.

there was never any small talk. once we had both briefly discussed the diet of coffee and sleepless nights that we religiously and fiercely prescribed our lives to. both your wife and my husband-to-be hated the smell and taste of the acrid black liquid... how it clung to our mouths like black tar, our clothes adorned with the signature scent of our most intimate of places. that small token may have seemed insignificant to many--the very small talk we abhorred. but it wasn't. it was our acknowledgment of our supreme sin: letting the people who didn't match our vigorous passion take from us the bounty of our love--our work. they damned us for seeping ourselves into the soul of our utmost extravagance, but damned us if they couldn't have the very result of our extravagance physically manifested. we both knew, with grave curiosity; it stood on the edge of our minds that something wasn't quite right, but we quieted it to continue living, because to begin dying would be worse than anything we could fathom.

you sat and discussed your life, and i never uttered a word of mine. we would wait until just the obelisk of light gray began to appear in the horizon, then we'd leave. at first it was quickly, as if jarred from some dream, and realizing that life is a nightmare. then we began to prolong the leaving, as if the nightmare could wait... the lonely hours of the days, the featherless emails and meaningless small talk at the events of influence we'd both simply float through as if ghosts, never absorbing anything, always waiting at the edge of the door. the last time we saw each other was the night you advertised your vision with the resounding pride of "it's a wrap."

he was out of town on business, and you came to my home unannounced. i didn't occur to me that you had never been to my home.  it seemed so natural, the way you entered the door without a knock, standing in the threshold of my office like the proud owner of my eyes.

you crossed quickly, crushed me to your chest, and breathed, "it is finished," as if you had been a victor on a cross, letting your spirit fly into the depths of a blue sky ocean. your eyes circled the shabby room, absorbing the essence of my persistence. "this is the most beautiful you have ever looked," you said it with clarity, holding me at arms length, your fingers lightly curving around my shoulder and collar bone. 

i wilted at your touch. whatever you had wished, i would have submitted readily. yet you only stood there, absorbing my spirit in it's home. you asked me to stand in the middle of the room, and you lowered and spread yourself onto the carpet in insolent admiration. my breathing was uneven, my hair messy in a bun, and my skin tallow without a touch of makeup; my clothes were disheveled--when he wasn't home i didn't bother changing into day clothes unless i had an appointment. i was alive. this was the result of writing for 48 hours without rest. cups of coffee were scattered on the sill, and every surface was stained with rings of deep brown. scraps of paper littered the ground with random words. "i'll memorize every line of this room. this is more significant to me than any church. your body is my prayers reaching god."

you stayed there all night, neither of us spoke nor moved. then you disappeared. rather, i knew where you were, but didn't care to enter her den to see you lower yourself below despair. i'd get notes occasionally, sometimes written on the back of my junk-mail, sometimes in my email. i kept them all, but did not reply, as i knew you didn't want that sanction, just the option of an outlet for your thoughts. i let you erupt on paper for me, and continued formulating the words into stories.

he walked into the room, interrupting my recognizance of our past and future. 

"we're invited to the premier."
"wonderful! shall we dress for the occasion?"
"yes, i think we should."
"nice to see his silly world made real, isn't it?"
"yes."
"burn a candle, please... it smells like java."
"yes."

solitude is the rectitude of the creators. perspiration, sleepless nights, pencils chewed straight through. they will not understand--they have no perception of what we hold within our being. nor do they have perception of what they hold in theirs. in the spring we thaw our hands, and some grow with their dreams. other's let the morning frost panic them enough to forget. yet there the dreams sit... waiting to bloom.

when you meet your equal in dream seeking, it can knock the breath out of your chest with a forceful gusto. you look upon this shining being, daring to believe they won't turn into one of the withering souls you see everyday, surrounding you on all sides. but there it lies: a rose among the weeds.

let my icy resolve to be as i am drive you no further away. join me in steadfast solitude: we'll find it in each other.

you called me too proud, and yourself too stubborn. why is pride a sin? because i don't speak of my ability, but rather let it speak for itself? your stubbornness sprouts from the sanction others have given your laziness and demands for charity. they harbored you with the exchange of their rightfully earned money, words, and empathy, for your unjust assumption that you deserve it for the sole reason of just existing. you should never feel as if your existence is one that deserves anything you don't work for.

i stare up at the ceiling, pushing down the bile of disgust in my throat. it is a decadently rich and beautiful cross hatch work of deep wood. you blame me for my prosperity, which i rightfully earned, while you wallow from house to house taking what bread crumbs you can steal from another's pity. 

i'm indifferent to your hate, and in contempt of your lust for what is not yours. you will not win.

my ceiling will not come crashing down, and your ideals will not provide a roof over your head. 

if nothing else describes this, let it be that my brain was a sponge. i absorbed it all, with no other point but to absorb. every moment of it was pure exaltation; let it be no other way. the sight of your muscles moving smoothly, the smell of your hair and light perspiration, the touch of you brisk skin and mighty heat. it was all as it could be only then. never again. and imprinted into the back of my mind like a deep gash of foreign subsidy. let me feast on this forever.

there is nothing so lonely as realizing you are one of the only of your type. i despise willful ignorance, and despise even more the lack of pride in anything men do today. i don't believe in doing things for others. and i don't think it's wrong. when you devote your soul to that which calls you, it is the only thing in this world you can offer to everyone else as bare, naked, honesty. that is true philonthropism--celebrating your deepest desires and putting them into motion. when you love something, you will work to continually become better at it.  

the love of money isn't evil. money itself is the only thing that represents the value of another's effort--the value of their thoughts put into motion. if you love something, you understand it's truest essence. if you love money, you love your fellow man and understand that the best, deepest respect you can give to him is to attain money with your reciprocated effort and creation, and to do so with vigor and hunger. it is deeply seated bow, with the only intention of calling out the very best within someone. what better a salute is there, than asking someone for their very best that they are capable of?

those that say "the love of money is the root of all evil" don't really believe that... they are the looters, the ones who don't wish to see the best in their fellow man. if it begins to take more effort to earn money, it is because of one of two things.

1. there is healthy competition and innovation.
2. the very essence of money is being thwarted by those that do not wish to earn, only to despise their fellow man by taking what is not theirs.

the ones that despise money believe that success and effort should not be rewarded, but punished. they reward the ones that do nothing, yet punish the ones that hold society itself on their shoulders. it is the most despicable, hateful, contemptuous act that has ever been performed, or looked at as normal and right. how dishonest, how unjustified.

you and i can't be together much longer. you say you understand, but you merely agree to avoid the responsibility of knowledge. to avoid the questions, the debate. i question your motives because that is the only thing holding this world together: motive power.

if you love your fellow man, you will devote yourself to your interests. you will dive in with no repose. if you love me, you will follow your dreams to the end of the earth, and leave me in the dust. you will expect me to match and exceed you. our ecstasy will be in knowing the other is passionate enough to truly make it their life. our ecstasy will be to outdo each other, and celebrate it with liberty.

i don't know that you'll ever be beside me in this. you are only now beginning to learn... and i am so lonely.

sitting next to my porch window, it told me the secrets of sprinklers and children, and sunlight hindered by the strongest of winds... but i can feel the swampy air you skin muddles in, elegant as you are empress. it's like a connection of deep velvet, running through my veins. this desert can't separate us, whether kindred sisters or long lost lovers. it's an incredible vice, this instant intimacy. and my window lies low tonight, because for once we can briefly share the moon. sweet dreams princess.

sometimes.....

my dad emailed this to my proudly hispanic fiance of 3 years.... yesterday, because, hey! if you're racist on an ethnic holiday, it doesn't count:

Drinking with an Arizona Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar. 

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'


it's not even funny. sheesh. my dad is a noob.

the dreams are uncontainable, unexplainable. it's only a lullaby attraction, a wispy whim of closed eyes. you're a married man, i'm a marred woman spoken for with a sparkly rock and the imitation of domestic bliss. we both have our picket fences that stand between us, and these are only dreams, only dreams... oh god sparks flew when your hand brushed my thigh this afternoon, and if ever i was to control a quiver, it would have been then. this is fatal, and i'm your mark.

why was it so surprising to us, that it was still here after all this time? rounding the corner, looking at the rolling grass, right up to the lake's edge. this was where i left my beautiful, and came back to pick up like the missing sock in a pair. my breathing evened out, my eyes dilated slightly. i was home, and i had brought you with me, all this way. were you home with me,or just visiting?

lunar and foreign. i feel like a lesser known me at the moment. twisting and turning through a maze, asking riddles of myself that i never expect to be capable of answering. are you a mother when you have child, or a more so when the child never comes? i feel homeless and helpless sometimes when i sit in my comfy chair and watch the sky get brighter in the phoenix horizon. lacing your fingers in mine, you're so sure of who were are, who i am, who i will be. what will you do when i'm gone, and my snowy skin isn't there to cool your fiery heart?

dear vegas: why does your constant bustle feel like home?

i'm ready to be seattle bound--the rain is whispering the most seductive promises.

this is one of the nights where sleep hides like secrets in the forest; if a tree falls, will you hear it? at one point you were my lullaby, your deep even breath a metronome to my dreaming symphony. now i am restless and watching the city that never sleeps below; the night is long and the day's light burns crisp holes in my retinas. we don't brush against one another, as i have become more icy with each passing moon; my vampiric tendencies are anything but mythical, romantic, or sparkly.

but i crave your tender touch and your pocket-watch eyes.

productivity is the royal title bestowed on my brow at the moment. the bags under my eyes and dryness of the mouth all comes with due reward.

we're almost there.

california, i smell your salty ocean now.

seeing green grass reminds me of you; the sharp brightness. it's like a promise of blooming spring and blistering summer... how we embrace one and dread the other.

you don't want to step on it, but you want to know how soft it is between your toes. when you cave and finally mark your entrance with a dent on the blades, you almost cry from a combination of joy and sorrow.

the green is always temporary, and i mourn it's pending absence. just as i mourn yours.