nervous breakdowns are always on the edge of my mind. you're gone and twisted in this curtain of black, wrapping itself around me, suffocating me. i'm clawing my way out into the blinding light that i've perpetuated in my mind--being in this fog for so long can make my illusions seem that of grandeur.

our fingers used to lace together in a soft yet unbreakable knot. now your are around my throat, and mine are behind my back. 

this is what is inside of me right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tJbaGdoLeA&feature=related

t minus 3 days and counting...

you held me in your eyes; once it was with your arms, but we can't bring ourselves to that again. your legs splayed and stacked with mine, we sat on opposite ends of the couch, you watched me and commented on my ironic smile and twitchy lips. i'm at a loss--you've always loved me for everything i am, and i've always been running from you. now i want you so dearly--i want your eyes to close as your arms fit around my waist.

let your eyes do the talking, and i'll let me hands answer you back.

not to seem like a complete rip off of my darling [The Penguin Who Could Fly]... but in the spirit of moving into an entirely new home, i thought i would post the etsy shops i plan on buying interior decor from... :) and maybe a few irrelevant other sites.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/BugUnderGlass?ref=top_trail these are fantastic, bringing life chi to a space
http://www.etsy.com/shop/paperplanet?page=1 mood lighting can make the world go round
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50394475/standing-floor-lamp more mood lighting.. maybe more for outside, since it seems a little frenetic
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ClayGalNaira?ref=top_trail ADORE her work--saw some throwing wheels on craigslist for practically 0 dinero, and i'm tempted to splurge and get a couple :)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50142311/hand-carved-mahogany-entry-wall-mirror-w?ref=cat2_gallery_14 the craftsmanship in this... and it is such a STEAL!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/39828889/victorian-wall-mirror-typical-of-c-1865?ref=cat2_gallery_3 this would go great with the new bedset we just got... and i'm totally obsessed with steampunk/victorian period/edwardian period vintage items
http://www.etsy.com/listing/46620793/large-fancy-french-shabby-white-painted?ref=cat2_gallery_23 although this may match the white/shabby chic-victorian theme i'm aiming for...
http://www.etsy.com/listing/38325271/real-fur-red-fox-area-rug-throw-or-wall?ref=sr_gallery_38&;ga_search_query=rug&ga_search_type=category&category=housewares.bedroom&;ga_page=11&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title perfect for in front of our stove :)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/44845107/shabby-chic-knittedcrochet-picnic?ref=sr_gallery_10&ga_search_query=rug&ga_search_type=&ga_page=&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title i'm all about making my place cozy, and nothing says cozy like throw blankets everywhere


for those of us who are insomnia addled.. here is are some great sites to waste some time with :)

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/ a dream dictionary. i know, that seems like an oxymoron to those who don't sleep much, but as a person who doesn't, when i actually do sleep i have some pretty crazy dreams!
http://little-flower-school.blogspot.com/ i want to take these classes!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ladramaqueen?ref=top_trail these vintage inspired swimsuits are on my must have list... i mean, i'm moving a mere 2 minute bike ride from the beach!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Jealousydesign?page=1 quality raw jewelry is hard to find, which is a shame, since it has some pretty incredible energy and some of the most unique looks
http://www.etsy.com/listing/51191664/vintage-old-bone-scrimshaw-pendant?ref=cat1_gallery_1 <3
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50287801/custom-made-ivory-sweetheart-neckline?ref=sr_gallery_18&ga_search_query=wedding+dress&ga_search_type=all&ga_page=2&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title this wedding gown is gorgeous (minus the sash)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/51164675/vintage-sheer-long-sleeve-organza-and?ref=sr_gallery_31&ga_search_query=wedding+dress&ga_search_type=all&ga_page=7&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title also love the edwardian throwback of this dress...
http://www.etsy.com/listing/48668440/gorgeous-strapless-sheath-wedding-gown HERE IT IS :D the perfect combination of modern with victorian/edwardian vintage style... she does custom, which is FANTASTIC... and it's crazy affordable compared to a designer dress...
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ninexmuse?page=1 pretty pendants
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50484419/cigarette-case-octopus-large-credit-card?ref=sc_undefined_9 HOW BADASS WOULD IT BE TO PULL A BUSINESS CARD OUT OF THIS BABY?!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50455886/decorative-vintage-wine-bottle-covered?ref=sc_undefined_19 two of my favorite things.. wine and lewis carol
http://www.etsy.com/listing/49592964/midsummer-book-addict-gift-set?ref=sc_undefined_4 my most cherished shakespearean play, made into a writing journal...


alright.. time to try to sleep ...

darling be patient. there's nothing to miss, if i'm right there. we're almost there

moving is a state of homeostasis. you have to go through everything and wage internal war on it's importance. given short spans of time to complete this, it becomes quite an intense war; one that leaves the brain battered and ringing. 

in other news...

richard, my loving faince who has been wont of a job for 9 months at least, has been offered 4 so far. we are rejoicing at the opportunity to choose between them.

and in still other news...

almost everything is sold, except for the crap i thought wouldn't sell. surprise surprise. we are making good time at cutting our belongings and the belongings that hold our belongings, into half the size.

and the last bit of news...

i am procrastinating on work and should get back now. yes, i am working as i prepare to move to another state. it's a nice juggling challenge...

work, pack, collapse, coffee, repeat.

with the anticipation of moving in ten days, visiting to find the new digs, and trying to complete a website for my client, life has been a little more than business as usual. i miss writing and contemplating for hours the arcs i build in my miniature stories. but i shall paint in the new place.... it is a 1920's cottage (as many of the homes in Laguna Beach are), surrounded by the lushest the greenbelt can offer, and a mere bike ride to the beach. it's like The Secret Garden and Atonement had a wonderful architectural love child.

i'm ready--i entered the boiling air of phoenix yesterday, and my skin immediately rebelled with swollen red marks and a breakout only a true teenager could be proud of... did i mention the skin on my arms began peeling for no reason?

i'm soooo ready to be in Laguna... we found our dream condo, and the man who owns it loves us to death. since we aren't quite at that time in our life, we asked to stay in touch and reapply come April... so we will have our magnificent floor to ceiling windows that face the ocean, while being perched on a sea-side cliff :)

it is all coming together, and i am giddy and tired and anxious and sad and happy and.. overwhelmed.

life is beautiful.

seduced by these valleys, i'll lay in your moorland and wrap myself in your honey brush. these lands were in my blood from birth, and i'm the prodigal son now claiming my birthright.

the last week has been so incredibly hectic.

i am currently looking at houses in laguna and newport beach, california. i'm excited to say i've found quite a few that are affordable with a lease to own option. 

soooo much to do!

the rush i get the days prior to shooting keep me from sleeping, eating anything more than coffee and water, and give me the physical sensations akin to a good orgasm.

i get so fantastically excited, that it's hard to contain. i don't sleep, but if i do i have vivid, creative, wacky dreams. i problem solve under the strangest of circumstances, wake up and rush through the motions of everyday life (compared to shooting, brushing my teeth seems like such a time consumer), and continue forward on my path to creative fulfillment.

and then as the camera begins to roll, i call speed, and the words action leave my lips, i am all-consumed by the sensations of that moment, as if time holds still. my breath becomes raggedly loud, i watch the dust rise from the earth, as the feet begin to shuffle, then pound with leaps and bounds. this is my moment. this is when my heart is thumping to the capacity of a steam engine, and i know, deeply deeply know, there is nowhere else, nothing else i belong to so entirely as this set, this camera, and my crew.

be still my beating heart.

lookout world! NPR, and Fox are committing times to interview with myself, my first ad, my camera man, and my pa.

we received interest from Glenn Beck (haha isn't that just great?!), and the delightful Chris Yandek, who i had the pleasure of meeting via phone this week, is going to wrap up our interview series with myself, and my select cast.

Chris has already finished his initial interviews with my producers, and you can find those here: http://paintyourbrain.com/post/726887561/arizona-apartheid-initial-interviews-with-chris-yandek

you stood there at the edge of reason, knowing that being broken for one another was all that we could have in that moment. 

"dear, make sure the sand bags are on the track correctly, or the curtain will catch on it's way up."

it was ironic that she was here, taking about raising curtains. i broke my gaze from yours, as she entered stage left. she wasn't ungracious on the eyes, until she opened her mouth. once upon a time i'm sure your wife had a beautiful smile, and a radiant laugh; now she assumed the position of a paper doll in body and spirit, as everything was in a constantly state of remaining flat. i felt the deep pangs of shame run through to my bones; i felt it on behalf of you, on behalf of me, and despite her. 

i wanted to scream, "you could be that girl again! you could light the world up with your intelligence, the youthful frivolity found in the virtue of selfishness. if you could only let him go, and stop demanding his life be yours, and make your own life yours again... you could be his world, the very ecosystem he lived and died to protect, nurture, sustain, and elevate to the elusive state of thriving. HE WANTS YOU TO THRIVE. HE WANTS YOU AND HIM TO THRIVE. HE NEEDS THE BOTH OF YOU TO THRIVE. and he's never imposed a need on you. he isn't going to start now. he'll thrive, and you'll continue to hang onto the edge of his wings, clipping furiously away to have possession of his freedom. you can take his bodily privileges away, but you can't bury his heart, and you can't crack that impenetrable safe which is his mind. i despise you, every part of you--from the unmotivated breaths you take, to the bitter unclear steps of each foot of yours, to the hands that he unwillingly let's touch him. and yet i can't help but feel the most resounding remorse at your willful ignorance. you know, but you don't want to know."

looking up, i caught your wife staring at me. i had been frozen next to the pulley for a solid three minutes, staring at the brick outline of the wall. she didn't seem concerned, merely irritated, as if she could read my mind.

this would have been a problem, had she been in my shoes. she might have felt shame, fear, anger at the transparency of her actions, her thoughts. 

in turn, i actually was astonished to feel nothing at all. it didn't matter. she was nothing to me, nothing to you, and barely something to this world. 

i felt no shame in our actions, i felt no secrecy in my thoughts. let her hear them, and let me be damned. i would take it all as my own--the hate, the wrath, the entangled mess of fingers dipped into pools of circumstances that you'll never be able to calm the ripples from.

"cee," her lips curled up into a flat grin, looking like a vampiric caricature, her voice dipping into a false attempt of being femininely jovial "i believe you and i should have lunch together this afternoon, just us girls."

looking up, your eyes were hooded with warnings. i saw the sinews of your arms stand out, as you froze for an imperceptible moment, holding a sand bag at your knees. not surprisingly, she didn't catch it. only i would have the microscopic intentions zeroed in--i wanted every part of you, and she wanted to destroy any part of you she could grasp.

"deanna, i believe cee has an appointment this afternoon." you were trying to protect me, but from what did we need protection?

"no no hudson. i can cancel--deanna and i should indeed have some ladies time." i smiled genuinely, relishing the thought of having a moment with her, in pure honesty. at the back of my mind i knew i would be unbearably astonished at her inability to understand my intentions, the message i would lay out for her like a child, the truth whose solidarity could drive nails through a board.

bright jade green met me head on, staring at me and through my words.

"oh cee, this is going to be such fun!" she was still trying to smile, but it was beginning to look more and more like a grimace.

turning, she walked up the aisles of the stage, deliberately taking her time, making it visible that she was deep in thought.

"and cee..." she didn't turn her head.

"yes deanna?"

"don't forget to polish up--us ladies should always make keeping our appearances a priority. we wouldn't want to be seen like to birds from separate flocks." your words were supposed to be daggers, but they fell on my ears like limp noodles.

"of course deanna... we wouldn't want our differences revealed." indifferently, i strode backstage.

i crack myself up.

days began to blur together, as if sitting on the edge of a merry-go-round at a carnival, spinning faster and faster. if they had been separate colors of paint, they would have created layers of mixed hues, each representing a new elation, building up to the inevitable moment. the moment it would all end; the carnival would have to close, the merry go round would eventually stop, leaving nothing but a crude circle of un-relatable patterns. 

only the heartbroken would be able to discern and translate what were once happy memories. only the heartbroken could read this broken story. only the heartbroken could read the bones of hope.

i watched you in your sleep, memorizing the curve of your eyelashes and the pride of your brow. this, at least, would always be mine--they could break our dreams, tear us apart, leave me in the collected heartbroken club, but they couldn't steal this image, burning like the hottest summer morning into my memory. the moment you were truly at peace, sleeping, with my deathly white skin pressed firmly to your unmistakably living chest. 

the english version: http://www.oem.com.mx/diariodexalapa/notas/n1679584.htm

i could not be happier with myself than right now :)

speak with NPR, FOX, MTV, and TMZ soon enough... stay tuned :)

come monday, my name shall be splashed upon the most prestigious and circulated spanish written news publication world wide. woot me for having values that my actions can follow :)

the two of you are coming to an end, and you aren’t ready to accept it. neither am I, despite the emotional eruptions, physical abuse, tangible tension. we lie in denial ridden wait, gasping for the air we so desperately need in this gas-thick situation. 

there is nothing more terrifying to me, than the thought of you rescuing yourself when it’s too late. you’ve always been my hero, sub-human, extraordinaire. you’ve always been my mentor, my student, my equal on so many planes, my greater than, my lesser. 

you’ll always be my indestructible father.

it was mild this morning, as the sun slowly rose over the flat alien land that is Phoenix. i did not sleep, and it was as if I saw you grappling with yourself, approaching her room timidly, knocking softly, sitting on the edge of her bed, and looking at the pictures she has taken down and placed in the corner of the room; our pictures—you, me, her. 

“are you going to leave while I am gone?”
“no. we have at least 3 months left at the house before it forecloses—I don’t want to spend the money to rent yet.”
“oh. please stay until I come back. you can move the furniture.”

no one will ever know how significant that is—that infinitesimal gesture of compromise. no one will understand the bruises, missing hair, scars from scratches, because of lint lying on the laundry dryer for a moment to long. 

no one will understand the hateful spew over specs of dust inside the rim of a china bowl, the raised voices, tears, shaking of the body in a moment of adrenaline fueled anger. no one will understand how worse it became when you had your heart surgery, controlling every space you could, as if it could change the futility of our mortality, the fear of your death, the hate of your body, the paranoia of letting go. 

the meaning behind those words is so poignant. it is the breaking of barriers. 

it is the surrender of stubborn ideals, and morally wrong configurations of chase lounges, exercise machines, rugs, a big screen television. those glaring demands for her to give you the attention that you refused to speak aloud.

it was the silent plea for her to stay with you for just one more night. 

the unclear apology for your shortcomings. 

the universal confession of your humanity.

“you can move the furniture."

no one but i could understand what this meant. "i'll let you control it all--i'll let you eat away at the very thing i have based my life on, the control i so desperately need, the way i compensate for everything i can't and everything i'm not. let me be the pictures in the corner of this room, so long as you are in the room with me. i will remain even the smallest part of your life, surrender it all, so long as it is your life i remain in."


and I wept at the sheer obviousness of your procrastination. i wept at your silent pleas for love, acceptance, unearned forgiveness; at the very least the begging that the hate would dissipate. i wept at your internal struggle to love someone who could no longer feel for you anything but indifference. i wept for your broken penance in not learning to love enough, to love correctly, to love unabashedly and passionately. i wept for the silence between you two, because of you two, despite the two of you.

but mostly, i wept for you.

sometimes the only person in this world who can express my mind is gabriel faure.

Barcolle for Piano Number 10.

if i could portray spitting via typing, you'd be covered in lemon-water scented goo right now. i cannot describe the frustration and anger that get inside my head regarding the incompetence of the sanctioned willfully ignorant.

i am taking a stand. let's see you dodge a bullet this time.