my icy hands remind me of what i am to you--only half alive and barely human. i examine them closely, tracing the blue veins like frosty rivers, disappearing into the snowcapped crook of my elbow. 

i glance down at your arm, swinging freely at your side without an inclination to lace your fingers in mine; this pain is too much, but these words just won't tumble out of my mouth, for fear of inadequacy and a lack of poetic flow. 

they would come out in half masticated phrases, gesticulated by rolling sobs that continually bubble to the surface of my breathing, my chest heaving and quivering with this aching aching desire for you to reach out and tell me that tomorrow we'll awaken with the sun pouring orange-juice rays into our faces, half tangled in each other's legs, and the brewing tea's subtle scent accompanying the clumsy brush of our half-awake lips. that four years means too much to give up the ghost on this apparition of our once tangent love. that we are weaved in this delicate mold we call our life, that we created, and that we will live. 

we can change it, i swear. we're no different than the weather, guided only by our surrounding nature and chemical reactions and inertia and physics and gravity. these emotions are just the swell of internal waves; we roll back into our memories, and sometimes our current drags the past back to our shore, yet just like anything else in nature, we can clean ourselves up, and rid ourselves of the things that don't suit our needs. 

but i don't say a word, and when you see me crying and ask what's wrong, i only say that nature makes me feel all too real.

your mouth opens, spilling the hot recourse that is our love gone to spoil. ladling it evenly into my bowl, i drink this boiling poison, forgetting the words that i know are true. forgetting the moments that took my breath away... i replace these sustaining and stinging forgone pasts with the the hot soup of your loud monologue, the spit on your teeth, your hands coiled in fists. the only hope i have is to perish in this fire--let it consume my every wit and labored cycle of blood. when i am reduced to ashes, sooty and neutral, free of memory-laden emotions, reactions, and the urge to hold your hand... when i am nothing more than the gray matter in the space between the soil and the core, i might then be able to emerge as a phoenix--indestructible and tempered by the heat of forgetting.

with each waking moments, i'm trying to force myself to start. 

to start making you the perpetrator so i can forget.

and each moment wilts away, and i continue eating away at my insides.

sometimes people grow a part. i have been contemplating leaving for months... he just landed his dream job. we both care for each other enough to not want to become bitter about the situation and let things get ugly.

my fiance and i are breaking up over the next 3 months. we're planning it... It strikes me as slightly bizarre... but strangely, i'm almost completely indifferent to this process. writing poetically about it won't make it any easier, any more transparent, any less real, or any faster, but i'm addicted.

this is when i gasp for air--struggling to rise, rise, rise. 

"ahh don't call me mr. walsh--you're... well you're christina... unless you want me to call you ms. wilson..." your laughter erupts. 

i want to catch every musical note, keep it for myself, and never let another soul hear it again. i want to burn them as they ripple through the air in waves. i want to destroy you, i want to be rid of you, i want to degrade you. i want you, more strongly than anything else i've ever wanted in my life before... this desire is eating at me--where i was once so steadily in control of every movement with the precision of a surgeon, i now tremble involuntarily like a shaking leaf drifting in the wind.

"oh? i'm not going to be ms. wilson for much longer..." i say it quietly, letting the ragged breath escape. everything in me waits for the sting to rip your even breathing into unpredictable short gasps.

"exactly why i should start calling you ms. wilson today... there is only so much time left." you state it factually. all business as usual--i enjoy this game... it's the aching within this anticipation.

my itunes switches on ExoGenesis parts I-III. this couldn't feel any more perfect... yet my feelings aren't trust worthy, aren't stable, aren't set in stone. i need the stony reassurance of fact, rationalism.

you cough.

"tell me about Cali..."

you remind me of stone... your long lean lines, bones that flow, ebb, and give to skin. you aren't in any way an Adonis... but your fingers were made for a piano, for the bow, the sand blaster, and the gloves we wore the day we played in the snow. the gaunt muscles of your body are fluid, and it only adds to the grace that your persona radiates, from your smile to your motionless, floating walk. it's as if every creature in nature's library, every form, was made to bend to the glorious body you adorn like silk chemise. 

"Cali is beautiful... i'm getting more sun than i think i've ever had in my entire life. the foliage is perfectly green, and the ocean is deep blue. you should visit."

"ah the wonder that is your milky skin... have you burned yet?" you ignore my invitation, enticing me with your words, dripping like gold off of your tongue. i'd rather live like a pauper than be baited by you!

"i have on a few occasions, but now my skin is adjusting accordingly..." i hold my own. you dip in and out of formality, familiarity, the function of fucking me in the ear with your tongue. we both know this game.

"i'll send over the invoice as requested. how is the beau?"

"he is... loving the weather." i push the smile in my voice, like a candy vendor to an all to willing child. it's apparent already though--you know my mannerisms, my addresses of proprietary claims.

"is he..." your breath is caught, and your voice is raw, "loving you?" snap. i just won our little game of cat and mouse, as you wriggle and writhe in my unintentional trap... and i'm not enjoying it the way i want to. the longing in your voice is deep, ragged, and intensely earnest... so thick i could eat it.

"you'd love it here. do come and visit soon, mr. walsh..." i push the bile down my throat. this time i shall acquiesce, and allow you to pass unscathed... for every time the flame touches your heart, i'm burning with you. i can't burn today.

the last notes tinkle out of my speakers.

"i'll be in Laguna the first weekend of September... will you show me around?" you've gained your composure, your voice stiff and vague. 

"it would be my pleasure. is there anything else i can pass on from your office?"

"only a personal note to the esteemed ms. wilson."

"oh?"

"yes. we're almost there."

we were wild and entangled. your in my thoughts from the time i wake--our barely relevant conversations, and sidelong glances.

where are we to go?

all 63 of my books have arrived from barnes and noble :)

i have 45 classic hardbacks to read ranging from Frankenstein to Sense and Sensibility to Beowolf...

i've already read more than half of these books, but i'm of the firm belief that a new book demands your attention, no matter how repetitive.

:D

now i'm undecided... this is GORGEOUS...

and we have to get some storage for our home...

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Sterilite-4-Shelf-Storage-Cabinet/8206253?findingMethod=rr

once upon a time i was given a beautiful engagement ring ... and this is what it looked like:


^{except mine was 2.5 carats, not 6}

it was stolen, by a woman whom i was a care giver for. i cried and cried... it was strange, because i never feel attached to material objects... what's even stranger, it was before i became fixated on the georgian/edwardian/victorian era...

today while i was searching the internet with the fiance (who is about to obtain a fabulous position at a film compositing company), we found the perfect upgrade to my previous ring:


^{if it was a 14.5 carat diamond, i would think it rather gawky.. but there is something so regal about overlarge star sapphires}

this ring is an edwardian/victorian ring.. and it turns out that star sapphires and moon stones, my favorite gems, were staples of georgian/edwardian/victorian jewelry...

how very wonderful!

we are ordering next week!


and i think i might order this one as well... recover the stone... because it is just such a rare coloration, and so beautiful!

HA! i'm happy i didn't impulsively shop on the barnes and noble site the other day... because today they have their ultimate clearance bin (up to 90% off)... with HUNDREDS of books... i'm in heaven! not even joking... just ordered $200 worth of books.. did i mention that because i write for my career, this is all tax writable? YEAH :)

Top Picks For Later Purchase (didn't make the first cut):

The Constitution of the United States: With the Declaration of Independence and the Articles of Confederation By R. B. Bernstein: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Constitution-of-the-United-States/R-B-Bernstein/e/9780760728338/?itm=19

When You Are Engulfed in Flames, By David Sedaris: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/When-You-Are-Engulfed-in-Flames/David-Sedaris/e/9781616793586/?itm=26

Ladies of Liberty: The Women Who Shaped Our Nation, By Cokie Roberts: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Ladies-of-Liberty/Cokie-Roberts/e/9781616795641/?itm=29

No One You Know, by Michelle Richmond: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/No-One-You-Know/Michelle-Richmond/e/9781616850234/?itm=4

The Clinton Tapes, By Taylor Branch: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Clinton-Tapes/Taylor-Branch/e/9781437683424/?itm=296

Grace, By Richard Paul Evans: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Grace/Richard-Paul-Evans/e/9781616889067/?itm=314

Eden Close, By Anita Shreve: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Eden-Close/Anita-Shreve/e/9781616861483/?itm=74

Writing Tools: 50 Essential Strategies for Every Writer, By Roy Peter Clark: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbninquiry.asp?EAN=9780316014991&x=

i feel this distance much more poignantly than your breath on my ear. give me your fingertips, buckling knees, and tripping tongue--these are gifts you can't indian give. they'll always be there.

this moment is something i've imagined for light years. your bones spoke to me in the language of romance, leaning slightly into the air between us. your breath labored, and it seemed like the choppy waters before a hurricane. 

i took the exquisite pleasure of stretching the time between the contact of our lips, our hips, and the sinking of the bay. you and i leaned and swayed, a rythmic dance to ward off the inevitable... we will eventually lean to far, our bodies bending like straws. we will eventually brush to close. we will eventually breath those words. we will eventually touch happiness.

and it will eventually fade. nothing lasts forever.

i've always loved you. from the moment your eyes bobbed beneath your puffy bangs, and the salt stung the air between us. you were the essential being, the alchemist to temper my cold metallic tendencies. 

we both waiver close to each other's lovers. waiting waiting oh so painfully waiting--waiting for the still air to break. sidelong glances make me think of the waving hands of softly thin salt grasses--wild wild violet, scarlet, heather grasses scraping my knees. we're hunting for the snapes... i trip and you grab my arm to keep me from hitting the ground and reaching any harm... but your touch is like an electric sting.... i pull away, trying to ward off the blindness that seeps down and clouds my vision... the colors blur as your fingers let go of my skin, leaving a rainbow trail of desire behind... i attempt to get up, but i need more. i need the sting. i need it everywhere--my senses are screaming for it.

you are like my last breath before the dive. and then we grabbed hands, and jumped off the side... feeling like motion in flight, as we prepared to hit the water below.

I need more books like a I need a hole in my head (I realized this after moving 2000+ into a tiny 1 bedroom beach bungalow, most being hardbacks)... BUT!  Be still my beating heart! This is just to much...

50% OFF 50 BOOKS Your Favorite Authors at Incredible Savings. ONLINE ONLY >SHOP AT BN.COM: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/container/2-3-merch.asp?PID=33972

My picks so far:

Think Twice, by Lisa Scottoline- http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Think-Twice/Lisa-Scottoline/e/9780312380755/?itm=24

No One Would Listen: A True Financial Thriller- http://search.barnesandnoble.com/No-One-Would-Listen/Harry-Markopolos/e/9780470553732/?itm=27

US: Transforming Ourselves and the Relationships That Matter Most, by Lisa Oz (the infamous Dr. Oz's wife) - http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Us/Lisa-Oz/e/9781439123928/?itm=28

Hellhound on His Trail: The Stalking of Martin Luther King, Jr. and the International Hunt for His Assassin, by Hampton Sides- http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Hellhound-On-His-Trail/Hampton-Sides/e/9780385523929/?itm=21

No Apology: The Case for American Greatness, by Mit Romney (whom I met 2 months ago at a benefit dinner--what an INCREDIBLE man)- http://search.barnesandnoble.com/No-Apology/Mitt-Romney/e/9780312609801/?itm=23

The Galilean Secret, by Evan Drake Howard (call me lame.... but despite my non-theist view, I have a soft spot for fictional plots regarding the deepest secret of life, via the saviour of mankind)- http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-Galilean-Secret/Evan-Drake-Howard/e/9780824947941/?itm=48

The End of Wall Street, by Roger Lowenstein- http://search.barnesandnoble.com/The-End-of-Wall-Street/Roger-Lowenstein/e/9781594202391/?itm=35

Tomorrow River, by Lesley Kagan- http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Tomorrow-River/Lesley-Kagen/e/9780525951544/?itm=38

Haunt Me Still, by Jennifer Lee Carrol (it's like Nancy Drew for adults :D)- http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Haunt-Me-Still/Jennifer-Lee-Carrell/e/9780525950776/?itm=44

good morning Laguna Beach. so nice to see you basically have free wifi wherever I go :D

nervous breakdowns are always on the edge of my mind. you're gone and twisted in this curtain of black, wrapping itself around me, suffocating me. i'm clawing my way out into the blinding light that i've perpetuated in my mind--being in this fog for so long can make my illusions seem that of grandeur.

our fingers used to lace together in a soft yet unbreakable knot. now your are around my throat, and mine are behind my back. 

this is what is inside of me right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tJbaGdoLeA&feature=related

t minus 3 days and counting...

you held me in your eyes; once it was with your arms, but we can't bring ourselves to that again. your legs splayed and stacked with mine, we sat on opposite ends of the couch, you watched me and commented on my ironic smile and twitchy lips. i'm at a loss--you've always loved me for everything i am, and i've always been running from you. now i want you so dearly--i want your eyes to close as your arms fit around my waist.

let your eyes do the talking, and i'll let me hands answer you back.

not to seem like a complete rip off of my darling [The Penguin Who Could Fly]... but in the spirit of moving into an entirely new home, i thought i would post the etsy shops i plan on buying interior decor from... :) and maybe a few irrelevant other sites.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/BugUnderGlass?ref=top_trail these are fantastic, bringing life chi to a space
http://www.etsy.com/shop/paperplanet?page=1 mood lighting can make the world go round
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50394475/standing-floor-lamp more mood lighting.. maybe more for outside, since it seems a little frenetic
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ClayGalNaira?ref=top_trail ADORE her work--saw some throwing wheels on craigslist for practically 0 dinero, and i'm tempted to splurge and get a couple :)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50142311/hand-carved-mahogany-entry-wall-mirror-w?ref=cat2_gallery_14 the craftsmanship in this... and it is such a STEAL!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/39828889/victorian-wall-mirror-typical-of-c-1865?ref=cat2_gallery_3 this would go great with the new bedset we just got... and i'm totally obsessed with steampunk/victorian period/edwardian period vintage items
http://www.etsy.com/listing/46620793/large-fancy-french-shabby-white-painted?ref=cat2_gallery_23 although this may match the white/shabby chic-victorian theme i'm aiming for...
http://www.etsy.com/listing/38325271/real-fur-red-fox-area-rug-throw-or-wall?ref=sr_gallery_38&;ga_search_query=rug&ga_search_type=category&category=housewares.bedroom&;ga_page=11&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title perfect for in front of our stove :)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/44845107/shabby-chic-knittedcrochet-picnic?ref=sr_gallery_10&ga_search_query=rug&ga_search_type=&ga_page=&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title i'm all about making my place cozy, and nothing says cozy like throw blankets everywhere


for those of us who are insomnia addled.. here is are some great sites to waste some time with :)

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/ a dream dictionary. i know, that seems like an oxymoron to those who don't sleep much, but as a person who doesn't, when i actually do sleep i have some pretty crazy dreams!
http://little-flower-school.blogspot.com/ i want to take these classes!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ladramaqueen?ref=top_trail these vintage inspired swimsuits are on my must have list... i mean, i'm moving a mere 2 minute bike ride from the beach!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/Jealousydesign?page=1 quality raw jewelry is hard to find, which is a shame, since it has some pretty incredible energy and some of the most unique looks
http://www.etsy.com/listing/51191664/vintage-old-bone-scrimshaw-pendant?ref=cat1_gallery_1 <3
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50287801/custom-made-ivory-sweetheart-neckline?ref=sr_gallery_18&ga_search_query=wedding+dress&ga_search_type=all&ga_page=2&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title this wedding gown is gorgeous (minus the sash)
http://www.etsy.com/listing/51164675/vintage-sheer-long-sleeve-organza-and?ref=sr_gallery_31&ga_search_query=wedding+dress&ga_search_type=all&ga_page=7&order=&includes[]=tags&includes[]=title also love the edwardian throwback of this dress...
http://www.etsy.com/listing/48668440/gorgeous-strapless-sheath-wedding-gown HERE IT IS :D the perfect combination of modern with victorian/edwardian vintage style... she does custom, which is FANTASTIC... and it's crazy affordable compared to a designer dress...
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ninexmuse?page=1 pretty pendants
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50484419/cigarette-case-octopus-large-credit-card?ref=sc_undefined_9 HOW BADASS WOULD IT BE TO PULL A BUSINESS CARD OUT OF THIS BABY?!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/50455886/decorative-vintage-wine-bottle-covered?ref=sc_undefined_19 two of my favorite things.. wine and lewis carol
http://www.etsy.com/listing/49592964/midsummer-book-addict-gift-set?ref=sc_undefined_4 my most cherished shakespearean play, made into a writing journal...


alright.. time to try to sleep ...