[.x. Living Nightmare .x.]'s diary

389873  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-10-25
Written: (7312 days ago)

Hey,

I am going to kinda so a switch order here. I don't really wanna write anymore but I'll write a BIT about this.

The friend I have had for over three years, *Daniel,* said the "I don't care if we are friends anymore," type of thing. Then, he ignores me. He's being a freakin idiot b-cuz of the reasoning *or supposive reasoning,* and all this. Pisses me off that we can't even be FRIENDS... but you know what... FUCK IT! If he doesn't wanna be friends, we don't have to be.

By the way, IF AND ONLY IF anyone tore us apart *as friends,* which I'm thinking that was a factor, I hope they burn in hell and then come back to life and then burn in hell again because they sure do deserve it. MOTHER FUCKERS. Not that they care what I SAY, but I'm SURE what's about to come to them is gonna make them regret lifting a finger (and yea, that should scare you whoever you are...)

THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH ONLY APPLIES IF SOMEONE TRIED TO TARE US APART~

~Angel

388102  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-10-23
Written: (7314 days ago)

Hey Everybody!

Now, I am not the preppy type but dances and especially PROM are very VERY important to me for many reasons. There's just certain emotions you feel at a dance or PROM that you can't really feel anywhere else. That's why they are so important to me. It's like at a dance, everything is different because nothing matters, just that one night where everything is planned and all you worry about is having fun.

For my entire life, I won't doubt it, I have been treated like a freak. It doesn't really matter whether I am a freak or not, it's just.. I've been treated like one. Most people treat me like shit, use me, abuse me, and just throw me around until their done and wanna move on to the next person. At first, I supposed it was because I was gullible and just retarded. Now, it's more like I'm just easy like that. Thanks world.. makes me wanna kill myself every day when people do that. But I suppose MOST people just don't give a fucking shit.

Yet, at dances I don't have to be treated like a freak, I can be treated like a person and I look foreward to them every day because it's the ONE night in a very long time where I am considered the exact same as everyone else. At the last homecoming I was at, I felt great because all my friends were there in the same place with me just having fun. I didn't have to worry about what others thought because everyone else was just like me, having fun.

Now, if someone fucks up those plans, I get super pist.. because it's so important to me. GOD DAMMIT! I mean, ERRRRR I get so depressed because I have nothing to look foreward to anymore (at least for a long while.) I mean, these are so important to me that if someone screws it up, I feel they they are treating me as if I'm unimportant... whether I'm important to them or not. I mean, they could love me to death and I would still feel like that because they took what I felt was really important and pushed it aside as if it were nothing.

I mean, I'm not saying anyone did this or they are at fault, because those are semi-false to completely false. I'm just saying that's how I feel when things like this get screwed over for me. I mean, seriously, if my homecoming night got seriously screwed up, I wouldn't even go. I'd sit in my room, cry, then do more homework and try to benefit society to be treated like a person.

Am I saying that all people treat me like shit? HELL NO! Everyone has friends and people they love. I know there are people that care about me a lot. Am I saying they don't matter or count? NO! That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just saying a lot of society in general treats me that way and it makes me feel like shit because they don't even know me. Just... I don't think anyone could really understand so I'm gonna shut up.

~Angel

375439  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-10-09
Written: (7327 days ago)

DATE   TIME   PLACE      ENSEMBLE
10-1-04 6:30 p.m. Fed. Ctr. Blrm. Octavio
10-16-04 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    Am/Viv (w/BCB)
10-22-04 7:30 p.m. Allendale, MI  Vivace (w/BCB)
10-29-04 7:30 p.m. Eaton Rapids, MI Vivace & Octavio
11-10-04 5:45 p.m. Heritage Dome  Octavio
12-1-04 7:00 p.m. Schuler's Rest. Amabile
12-2-04 7:00 p.m. Westlake Pres.  Octavio
12-3-04 7:30 p.m. Tecumseh, MI   Vivace & Octavio
12-8-04 7:00 p.m. Schuler's Rest. Vivace
12-18-04 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC 
12-19-04 3:00 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC 
4-23-05 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC 
5-7-05  7:30 p.m. KCC Binda    Amabile & Vivace
5-8-05  3:00 p.m. KCC Binda    Amabile & Vivace


These are the dates and times of my concert. If you know which group I am in, then you know exactly what concerts I am in..

~Angel

369090  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-10-02
Written: (7335 days ago)

Hey,

My life has pretty much been turned upside down at this point. The reason I am not making any entries is because I don't know what the fuck is going on and I am finding out so much about EVERYTHING that I didn't know before.

Things are happening to me that I never imagined possible. I wish I was someone else. It's not that I don't want some things within my life but others, I would do anything to live without. It's a long story... I'll make a noval when I finish

~Angel

365602  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-09-28
Written: (7338 days ago)

Hey Everybody!

  So much has been going on right now. Last night, I thought I finally lost everything! I thought that sooner or later, I would kill myself. I was almost positive that last night would be the night. I can't possibily put into words everything thats happened.

  All I can say is thank you to someone who forgave me for unforgivable acts. I love this person very much and last night, I made a lot of realizations. If I wouldn't of talked to this "person," I would of probably been in bed all day, or crying, or maybe even dead. Thank you so much for how you've changed my life... not only last night, but every night since the first day I met you.

  I can promise you that I will always be there, always believe in you, and most of all always have faith in you. Nothing is ever going to change that.. no matter what happens. I hope we can be together for a very long time. I will always be there to support you in whatever you wanna do and I know what I'm saying is true.

  I know I have commited acts that are unforgivable. You were more of a person than I ever will be...because you offered me forgiveness. I will forever be thankful that you were there to listen to me and talk things through. There's so much to describe how I feel right now, but I get the feeling that everything is gonna be all right. Through Heaven and hell, everything will be all right. :)

~Angel

363720  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2004-09-27
Written: (7340 days ago)

Dear ________,

(For *winkers* reasons, I have to keep the keeper of this anonomous.)

   Have you ever been around people that say things are just fate? Things such as the sky and the stars.... things that were made for each other and will always be together for all of eternity? Such a big promise, but something that someone is willing to sacrifice for anything in this world. The one true thing they want the most. The thing they are willing to give anything for.... even their life.

   For most of my life, I thought that ugliness, hatred, and lonliness was meant for me. I was so low at some points, that lower points were made below ground. For quite some time, I wanted to kill myself. LoLa... how fun. However, two people changed my life forever.

   Now... things are so different, it's not even funny. I am beginning to believe that I am not just a worthless piece of crap. I am starting to believe that I am a person too, not someone who deserves nothing. I mean, I am not being selfish. I am believing that I am an equal person.

   These people guided me through trouble and have been there pretty much my entire life. For that, I will be eternally greatful and I will love them for the rest of my life. Nothing can separate me from these two people... not pain nor death. I will always be with them and help them through anything. I am willing to sacrifice my everything for their welfare. They changed my life and I will be friends with them forever.

   Through anything in life, I want them to be happy above anything else. I will always care about them even if we are fighting. I will always believe in them and have faith in them, no doubt. There is absolutely NO doubt in my mind these people will be sucess.

   One of these "friends," is a guy. The other is a girl. This guy "friend" I have is one that I care about deeply *winkers.* The girl, I have been friends with since I was like negative born lol. These people have changed my life and I will always be thankful that I have them with me.

   One (at least I believe so,) will separate from us next year or thereafter. Although I don't want her to leave, I want her to know that she should do whatever her heart desisres. I want her to be happy and if that means leaving, I support her in whatever she wants to do. If she does not follow her heart, she will not live a happy live. With that said, she's my Sissy forever and I love her :).

   The other "friend," is someone that I will always care about through thick and thin. I will always be there for him and have faith in him. I will always love him throughout my life. Perhaps not like couple love, but care about love. It's something that will never leave me. I can't stay mad at him forever because I know that we are meant to be friends (or something more,) for the rest of our lives. I would do anything for him and I trust him more than pretty much anyone. I love you Daniel :)

   Every day, I thank God that he gave them to me. We are like Brothers and Sisters... meant to be together through Hell, Heaven, Death, and life. Everything that happens, happens with us together. We have never faught about anything or stopped speaking to each other. It's pure fate that we met each other and pure fate that we will be together forever.

357550  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-09-21
Written: (7346 days ago)

ViRgInItY

Lately, I have been asking my friends about virginity. Is this because I want to loose it? No, I want to wait until I feel as if it is the right time to loose it. However, before a few days ago, I really didn't know what the right time was. I have waited quite a while to have sex (16 years,) while people I used to know of 13, are now bearing children.

Do I get made fun of for being a virgin? By some people, yes. Others say "I wish I would have waited like you or I wouldn't be carrying this..." Some ask why I have waited. Frankly, I always imagined sex as something special, but not "non pre-marital" special. Frankly, it is true that sex is overrated. But I want to make it meaningful for my first time.

To me, having sex with a virgin is a reward in two ways. If you seriously care about the person, then you are willing to take their heart, mind, and gift to keep and hold with you. It would be special to you because it's from the one you love forever. Perhaps your not in love with them for the rest of your lives, but you do care about them deeply. The other thing is (if your a mother fucking asshole) is virgins can sometimes be tight and it feels better. I guess it's just one of facts of life.

Now, I used to believe that I would never have sex with someone who is a non-virgin for my first time. This is because I am loosing a lot more than they ever will. They've already had sex so their gift is elseware and they can take your gift and covenent and misuse it. Frankly, now my opinions have differed greatly. I believe that the person you are willing to loose it to is giving you something in return. The heart felt love of the promise that lasts forever. They are willing to recieve that gift and use it for the greater good (in your relationship etc.)

An Unbiological Sister(s) of mine, *in case you were wondering if I met any of my Sisters,* told me something I will never forget. I simply asked her what feeling I will get when I am ready to loose it. I figure every girl in the world gets a special feeliing and she just knows in all essence of things. I don't really know how to explain it.

The emotion basically is something along the lines of: You want to give this person a gift that lasts forever, whether you are with them or not. You want it to be them and no one else because your so incredibily in love with them, that it's impossible to not share this with them. This isn't simply love though, because all things don't last forever. This is a case where even you are not talking anymore, or your married to other people, or anything else... you wan them and them alone to carry the present you gave them that wonderful night.

^She also commented on how sex is overrated but one should make the first time meaningful... Which is something I also believe...^

You won't regret doing it with them for your one and only first time because it was with them -the person you so strongly were willing to give this gift to for all eternity. **I know this is sorta deep, but play along** This person is going to have YOUR heart and soul and gift until the end of the world and everyone burns in hell. :-D...

In some cases, sex is sex. I'm sorry to say, but it is. In other's it can be a special gift shared with someone and you will never be able to have that gift returned. I wanna make sure I found the right person before I am willing to give them the gift of forever. It's a mightly large promise and it's such a hard decision to make.

The person I wanna loose my virginity to (when I do indeed decide to loose it,) is someone that I care about so deeply, I want them to have my everything. *That sorta didn't sound right but again, play along :-D* I am willing to give my heart and mind to for all of time. They are someone I wanna share something with that I cannot and refuse to share with anyone else. I would be so deeply in love with them that words could not describe how I feel. Because I feel so deeply for them, I would be willing to make such a promise and bear such a memory or gift of forever.

Afterward, I wouldn't cry (maybe tears of joy,) I would simply be. Actually, I would be very happy. Not because I can prove myself, but I have such a connection with one person in this world, that I can share something so great with them....I would be happy for them and for me because we were obviously ment to share this together in this deep, dark, ...malicious world.

Hey, just something to think about lol
~Angel

355329  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2004-09-18
Written: (7348 days ago)

Hey,

I know someone on here is taking my poetry...and it's pissing me off. Stop doing it! That's all I gotta say 'cuz some of it's published and if you publish it too, then you just committed an illegal action. Plus, two of those are not mine. They are someone elses, your just being an asshole and your gonna have to pay the consiquences of stealing my stuff..

Toddles David!

~Angel

354609  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2004-09-17
Written: (7349 days ago)

Hey Everyone,

Mainly I make my entries on Open diary but there was a hacker within the site and delted all of my entries in the last three months.

Anyways, I am through the roof. I am always enraged with my vengeful, unfair, and horrible Mother. I hate her beyond all belief and if murder was not a crime, I would have done it a long time ago. She has pissed me off over and over again with little, petty, worthless things. I hope in the end, she is the one to pay.

Generally, my life would be so much better without her. She restrains me from anything and mistakes are unquestionable. She never fills out paperwork I need, she takes me to school late, and she's ruining my perminent record. It is shit now because of her faults and seflishness.

Recently, my Boyfriend stayed the night. His *Sisters Boyfriend* got into a car accident out of town. At 4:30 in the morning we were watching a movie. I was so le tired that I fell asleep. He couldn't wake me up so he just slept there with me. There were no other beds in the house than of course, in my room. But, he didn't know that. No, we didn't have sex or anything. I want to wait for a long time before we do anything because of personal reasons.

Anyway, my Mother was THERE. We didn't do anything inappopiate... and she "screamed" at me the next morning. Well, now she's not letting me see him very often, if at all, because she said I looked like a whore. A whore is someone who has sex with numerous people and doesn't wear clothes to revel their "sexy" (trust me, some of them are UGLY) body.

I am a virgin and haven't really done anything that's beyond my age. I was supposed to go to his football game tonight. She said I could go and stay there because we wouldn't get back until two in the morning -or so. Well, now, AN HOUR before I am supposed to leave, she says I can't go. She is late to everywhere I am supposed to go. She never supports me, and I hate her SO MUCH.

However, his :)WonderfuL:) Mother came and picked me up. She didn't call because she didn't know the number. This made me really happy because I really wanted to go to his football game. Mom let me go becuse she had "drove all this way." YAY Liberation Day! *Well, sort of* I really appreciate his Mother picking me up :) Thank you. *I know she's not reading this but oh, well.

We got into this big 'ol fight and I have a feeling that we will get into another one. She needs to let me live my life and if she doesn't, than I am gone. She will officially loose her daughter on September 14th, 2007. I will move in with someone else for a while, then figure out what I'm gonna do. I won't tell my Mom where I am so she doesn't come find me, and I will never return to her at any point in my life.

When we got into the argument, she actually called me a whore (in a nutshell.) In my life, I have never heard of a virgin whore. COME ON? That's like the fucking opposite. She was like "YOU SHOULD CARE HOW YOU LOOK BECAUSE THAT NIGHT YOU LOOK LIKE A WHORE." Well, EXCUSE ME! But, it's not like anything of that nature hasn't happened before.

Did it hurt my feelings? HELL NO! Her opinions and accusations don't matter to me. In my life, Mother has never really hurt my feelings because what she says really doesn't matter. I know I sound evil, but move in with me and see what I mean? I would say there are four people *out of thirteen* that have some real faith that I will have a good life. Everyone else just thinks I am going to end up to be a worthless bitch. They don't say it, but they brag about thier childrens and the families accomplishments, but always seem to leave me out.

Is this because I have never accompished anything? HELL NO! It's because they hate me. I'm not being paranoid about it either. It took my aunt a whole hell of a lot of beer etc. to even say "you've grown into something better than before." WOW! Just four-five months ago, she was calling me a lazy ass Mother fucker. What a change!! Not really, it was just the beer, etc.

I would say that I have accompished a fair amount in my life. I have ALWAYS done well in school and never failed a class. I did have a C+ once, but that was a typo. The teacher didn't average it out right (she did it by hand because the computers didn't work.) I have recieved letters of acceptence from college, scholarships from the Air Force, and even a placement im this fucked up book about my school career. I know it sounds sorta boastful, but it's really nothing compared to the real genuises out there. :) I also have taken the SAT and MEAP tests and gotten "above average scores."

If you know me though, I don't act like a smartie..rather a dumbass :-0 I don't want people to think I'm a genius or smart or whatever the hell they wannna think along those lines. Oh well, I scored well on some tests and I do my homework. Whoopiedodah!~

I think my life extends out beyond intelligence. I used to be a counselor over the intnernet *mainly about sex.* But once you go through that, you learn things and help people in a way never possible. I also am a professional singer. I have been on tours to Chicago, Indie, and various places in Michigan. I also have performed with an opera, major choirs such as the Kalanazoo Ringers. This year, I am taking a five day tour in Canada and a three week *about* tour in England.

Yes, people have said I sucked. But, people say that everyone sucks. Even the most famous of people....Frank Sinatra, Tony B, Brittany Spears, Eminem, the list goes on and on. Those people made/make hundreds of millions of dollars a year. Do I like all those people? NO! Some of their, if not all their, music SUCKS! Does that mean they suck? Not according to some people. There's a difference between talent and appearing to be good.

For example, someone who's talented has a range of 4-4.5 octaves, can sing a chormatic scale a cappella, sing in other languages, actually sound good, have great facial expression and tone, dynamics, you name it! Someone who appears to be talented uses a voice mixer to fuck up the real sound, praces across the stage shaking their fat as they go, and looking like they are in the middle of having sex on the stage. Sorry, but that's how some of them look *cough.*

WAY OFF TOPIC! Let's COME BACK LOL

I did have a point though :)

There are two things I am afraid of, he will think that I do not support him or want to be with him. This is the exact opposite of how I feel. Honestly, this isn't exactly my fault and if there was ANYTHING I could do to change it, I would. I am actually probably going to move out at age 17 and sacrifice my secure future *My Uncle was going to pay for my college* because I want to leave so badly. I don't want to leave him, I want to leave my retard of a Mother.

I am also afraid that he doesn't want to be with me as much as he did before. This is because there are things that I just cannot do and it's sort of, I don't know. He asked if I could stay the night last night because we would be getting back really late *pretty reasonable because it's out of their way to take me home at 1:00AM right?* Of course, she said no and he got angry. Why you ask? Because my Mother is being a bitch. Sorry, no other way to put it lol.

He knows that it's not my fault and I am happy that he understands. He understands everything :). *Smiles* I mean, Maaaaaaa will probably just have to get over it because I'm going to live my life whether she wants me to or not. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

A person can only take so much and I swear to God if anything happens between my boyfriend and I because of her selfish vengance I will not hesitate to not only bitch her out like you wouldn't believe, but leave. I won't be back for a very long time -if ever. This is because she is crossing the line.

Personally, I'm glad that I'm an only child. Therefore, MY Brother or Sister would never have to go through what I have been through. Do I carry baggage? Yes, I think everyone does. Do I carry it to the point where I let it interfere with my life? Absolutely not! I am simply putting the past behind me and moving on. People who look behind always miss what's a head of them. And people who always look ahead, forget what they learned about the past.
351180  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-09-14
Written: (7353 days ago)

Here are some songs that we are doing in BCGC


THE WALK
Love is patient,
Love is kind,
Love is not jealous,
Never boastful or proud.
Love is not selfish or touchy or rude,
It is not prone to anger,
It does not brood ,
Over injuries.
Love is never glad about injustice,
But rejoices with the truth,
Love covers over everything,
Believes everything,
Hopes for everything,
Puts up with everything.
Love is beauty,
Love is joy,
Love is peace,
Love never fails.

CANTICLE OF MARY
I acclaim the greatness of the Lord,
I felight in God my Savior,
Who regarded my humble state.
Truly from this day on all ages will call me blest.
For God, wonderful in power,
Has used that strength ofr me.
Holy the name of the Lord!
Who mercy embraces the faithful,
(Magnificat anima mea Dominum.)
One generation the next.
The mighty arm of God
Scatters the proud in their conceit,
Pulls tyrants from their thrones,
And raises up the humble.
The lord fills the starving
And lets the rich go hungry.
God recues lowly Israel,
Recalling the promise of mercy,
The promise made to our ancestors,
To Abraham's heirs for ever.

CANTICLE TO THE SPIRIT
Holy Spirit,
Holy Spirit,
Giving life to all life.
Root of all things,
Washing them clean,
Wiping out their mistakes,
Healing their wounds.
You are our true life,
Our true life,
Luminous wonderful Luminous
Awakning the heart,
Awakening the heart,
From the ancient sleep.

ACHAT SHOALTI
Achat Shoalti meieit,
Adonai otoh ava keish.
Achat Shalti meiet,
Adonai otoh ava keish.
Shivti b'veit,
b' veit Adonai,
Kol y'mei,
Y' mei chayai.
Achat Shoality meieit,
Adonai otoh ava keish.
Achat Shoality meieit,
Adonai otoh ava keish.
La cha zot,
La cha zot.
B'no am,
Adonai ul'va keir,
b'heicha lo.
La cha zot,
La cha zot.
B'no am,
Adonai ul'va keir,
b'hei cha lo.
b'hei cha lo.

TRANSLATION: Psalm 24:7

I AM HIS CHILD
I may not be,
All that you are,
I may not be,
A shining star.
But what I am,
I thank the Lord for making me his child.
Thank you Lord,
For hearing ever prayer,
Thank you Lord,
For just being there.
Thank you Lord,
Thank you Lord.
For I am not worthy of your love.
I may not be,
All that you are.
I may not be,
A shining star,
But what I am,
I thank the Lord for making me his child.
Thank you Lord,
For hearing every prayer.
Thank you Lord,
For just being there.
Thank you Lord,
Thank you Lord.
For I am not worthy of your love.
So don't use me or abuse me,
For I am his child.
Don't tease me, or mistreat me.
For I am still child.
You can't even talk about me.
For I am still his child.

THESE THINGS CAN NEVER DIE
The pure, the bright, the beautiful
That stirred our hearts in youth,
The impulses to wordless prayer,
The streams of love and truth,
The longing after something lost,
The spirit's yearing cry,
The striving after better hopes;
These things can never die.
The timid hand streached forth to aid
A brother in his need;
A kindly word in grief;s dark hour
That proves a friend indeeed;
The plea for mercy softy breathed,
When justice threatens high,
The sorrow of a contrite heart;
These things shall never die.
Let northing pass, for every hand
Must find some work to do,
Lost not a chance to waken love;
Be firm and just and true.
So shall a light that cannot fade,
Beam on thee from high,
And angel boices say to see;
"These things shall never die."

EARTHSONGS
I. The World Is Full Of Poetry.

The world is full of poetry.
The air is living with it's spirit.
And the waves dance to the music of it's melodies,
And sparke in it's brightness,
And sparkle in it's brightness.
The world is full of poetry.
And the waves dance to the music of it's melodies.
AndAnd sparke in it's brightness,
And sparkle in it's brightness.
The world is full of poetry.
The air is living with it's spirit.
And the waves dance to the music of it's melodies,
And sparke in it's brightness,
And sparkle in it's brightness.
The world is full of poetry.
The world if full of poetry.
II. In Safety and Bliss

In safety and bliss,
May all creatures be of a blissfull heart.
Whatever breathing brings there may be,
Frail or firm,
Long or big,
Short or small,
Seen or unseen,
Dweeling far or near,
Exsisting or yet seeking to exsist.
May all creatures be of a blissful heart,
Blissful heart,
Blissful heart.
Frail or firm,
Long or big,
Short or small,
Seen or unseen,
Dweeling far or near,
Blissful heart,
Blissful heart,
Blissful heart.
III. We Join With The Earth

We join with the Earth,
And with each other,
To bring new life,
To the Land.
To restore the waters.
To refresh the air.
We join with the Earth,
And with each other.
To renew the forest,
To care for the plants.
To protect the creatures.
Protect the creatures.
We join with the Earth.
We join with the Earth,
To celebrate the seas,
Celebrate the seas,
To rejoice in the sunlight.
To sing the song of the stars.
The song of the stars.
We join with the Earth,
And with each other.
We join with the Earth.
We join with the Earth.
We join with the Earth,
And with each other.

Hush! Somebody's Callin' My Name
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name.
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name,
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name.
Oh my Lord, Oh my Lord,
What shall I do?
I'm so glad that trouble don't last always.
I'm so glad that trouble don't last always.
I'm so glad that trouble don't last always.
Oh my Lord, Oh my Lord,
What shall I do?
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name.
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name,
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name.
Oh my Lord, Oh my Lord,
What shall I do?
I'm so glad I got my 'ligion in time.
Hallelujah Lord!
Oh Glory Lord.
Oh Lord, what shall I do?
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name.
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name,
Hush, Hush,
Somebody's callin' my name.
Oh my Lord, Oh my Lord,
What shall I do?
Soon one mornin',
Death com creepin' in my room.
Soon one mornin',
Death com creepin' in my room.
Oh my Lord, Oh my Lord,
What shall I do?
Hush, Hush, Hush....

To Music
Tho lovely art,
When time's dull desolation.
When life's fierce raging stroms,
Encompass me,
Hast made my heart,
My heart,
With loveawaken.
And drawn me into a new and glorious world.
Into a new and glorious world.
How oft a sigh,
Out from thy harp hath sounded,
From thee a sweet.
Celestial harmony.
And heav'nly fays,
Blest days of old recalling.
Thou lovely art,
I give my thanks to thee,
Thou blessed Art,
My thanks to thee.

Psalm 100
O be joyful to the Lord all ye lands!
Serve the Lord with gladness,
And come before his presence with a song!
Be ye sure,
That the Lord he is God.
It is he that hath made us,
And we not our selves.
We are his people,
And the sheep of his pasture.
Sheep of his pasture.
O, go your way,
Into his gates of Thanksgiving!
And into his courts,
With praise.
Be thankful unto him,
And speak good,
Of His name.
Speak good,
Of His name.
Be thankful.
For the Lord is gracious,
His mercy is everlasting
And his truth endureth.
And his truth endureth.
Endureth.
From generation to generation.
O be joyful!
To the Lord all ye lands!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Doo, Doo, Doo, Doo, Doo,
Doo, Doo, Doo, Doo, Doo,
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high.
Theres a land that I've heard of,
Once in a lulaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Skies are blue,
Are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream.
Really do come true.
Someday I wish upon a star,
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
A way above the chimmy tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Blue birds fly,
They fly.
Birds flu over the rainbow,
Why, then oh why,
Why can't I?
If happy little blue birds fly,
Above the raindow,
Why, oh why,
Why can't I?

MATHLETES
Mathletes is a premere musical in Battle Creek Michigan. It IS copyrighted and YES it IS illegal if you steel what the director/producer/composer wrote. This is a youth ordained play and is playing at the Civic theature.


'Really in Love With You'

DARCY: Every time that we are together,
We never go out, we go in.
It's either my house or your house,
And it's making my head start to spin.
I don't think that you realle realize,
Just how long that I've waited for you.
Oh please Melvin, tell me!
That you really are truly in love with me.
CLASSMATES: OOOOOOOOO
MELVIN: I know it seems like I don't care.
If we get to go out on real dates.
But if Virginia finds out what I'm up to.
I'll be found dead in the next state.
I really know just how you feel.
And I know that it's making you blue.
But Darcy believe me when I say,
I'm really in love you with.
CLASSMATES: OOOOOOOOO
DARCY AND MELVIN: I know its just a matter of time.
I know one day that things will work out.
Our love has the perfect calculations.
And that trust is what it's all about.


That's all of them but this hymn and the Spanish song lolz
336174  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2004-08-29
Written: (7368 days ago)
Next in thread: 344408, 346929

  Hey Everyone! I decided to post my poetry here because the description in my house was getting to long. Anywayz, if you haven't already, enjoy! I added some new ones and stuff to eliminate uneeded entries. :)

*~~F*CK THE WORLD~~*


Fuck the world, I hate this shit,
Damn emotions taking over, and making me sick.
They tear apart, and rip up inside,
They never leave, and I want to die.
My heart hardens, my soul quakes,
I can’t take it anymore; I want this to be a mistake.
Every night, and every day,
They never escape, and they have all the say.
Early in the morning, it awakens you,
You begin to cry, and there’s nothing you can do.
During the day, you feel like shit,
You hate it so much; you can’t take it one bit
In your sleep, you begin to dream,
Nightmares and terrors, it’s more than it seems.
You work so hard for something, in the end you waste your time,
Then someone else comes in, and commits the crime.
You hate yourself, and everyone is against you,
You are living death, and there’s nothing you can do.
Your soul starts to pass; your heart starts to fail,
You feel death upon you, and you must live to tell the tale…

 ~~*Dreams Really Do Come True..*~~ 


Angelic scenes,
Graceful Touch,
If only you knew,
I felt this much.
The world stops turning,
Dreams come true,
I finally realize,
I truly love you.
If I had one wish,
On this Earth,
It would be one kiss,
To prove loves worth.
Only then,
Do dreams come true,
That day hasn't been
But I will always wait for you.
No matter what happens,
I will always care,
When life twists and bends,
I will always be there.
I will never leave you,
Not through death or strife,
Because I know this love is true,
As true as the black of night.
Nothing can separate us,
Not even death,
Because if something happens to one of us,
I would wait for you.
The day we are together,
Will be a dream come true,
That day will be better,
Because I will finally have you.

 *~~Always And Forever ...Continued~~


Angelic Scenes, graceful touch,
If only you knew, I felt his much.
Sometimes I wish you could see,
All the tears, that were not meant to be.
For I live my life, wishing you were there,
But no matter what, I will always care.
I would wait forever, for you to be mine,
I would do anything, to become thine.
Continusely, I look into your eyes and I see an eternity of life,
Every time I see you my heart leaps, yet inside I softy strive.
When I think of you, my hands shake
And when I dream of you, I know that love is beyond Heaven's gates.
If I had one wish, on this Earth,
It would be one kiss, to prove my love's worth.
Only then, do dreams come true,
That day hasn't come, But I will always wait for you.
No matter what happends, I will always care,
No matter how life twists and bends, I will always be there.
Even when we are far away, I can sense we are near,
We are meant to be together, you are the one that dries my tears.
If you were to leave me, I would live in fear,
I would be lost without you; I would yearn to disappear.
If you were gone, I would not want to live live through,
Because I love you so much, and this I know is true.

 ~~*Destruction*~~ 


Bewildered,
Thunderstuck,
I just lost,
My true loves touch.
I just want,
To end it now,
Please beguild me,
While I take a bow.
God hates me,
I am cursed,
I wish I were average,
Of all, this emotion is the worst.
To many missed chances,
To much torment,
I want to end it now,
All I do is lament.
Every day,
And every night,
I look up at the sky,
And I see no light.
Stars please shine,
Shine for me,
While one last time,
I look up at the sky.

 *~~Hope is hope, but Love is Forever~~* 


There's so much I can't say,
When you look into my eyes.
I wish I could tell you,
All the secrets and the lies.
Every time I think of you,
My whole body shakes,
I wish I could say the truth;
My love is beyond death's gate.
My emotions are always with me,
No matter where I go,
They haunt me day and night,
And I always want to show.
Every time I feel you,
My heart leaps a few times,
I can't imagine life without you,
It would seem like a crime.
But you act as if I am invisible,
And you say we are friends forever,
But when it comes down to it,
Our friendship is severed.
And every time I dream of you,
I see us together,
But I know that cannot be,
Unless today is never.
My soul is burning,
Like a fire inside of me,
I wish that this would all over.
That we would forever be.
But every time I talk to you,
You always think of her,
"Why? Oh why!" I ask
"Why is your heart so sure?"
"I don't know," he says
As I burn in anger,
"I love her so much,"
I wish that was me forever.
Forever I would love him,
And forever I would care,
Forever I would live my life,
But I know ...he will never be there.
As I grow weary I go to bed,
And my heart continues to ache tonight,
I know I will not sleep
As my heart wishes for something truly right:
"Chances are everything,"
"Chances are worth so much,"
"Why can't I have a chance?"
"To prove myself in true loves touch."

 ~~*Graduation Day is... *~~ 


Today is not a day to be taken lightly,
Today is not a day to forget,
For today we graduate,
And as of today, we have mastered our wits.
This day will never come again,
As we live in glory,
This day will never cease in our hearts,
For today ...we cannot say sorry.
Some of the people around us are lifelong friends,
While others have been lifelong foes,
We will never forget these people today,
For today, is a day of woe.
For today is a time in our lives we cannot forget,
Today is the day we say good-bye.
To everyone around us,
Today, I tell you "why?"
Today is a day we can tell,
Everyone around us,
How much they mean to our individuality,
And how in their lives, we trust.
Those around us have shaped who we are,
Have formed our future, present, and past.
Those around us give us hope,
Even when others give us wrath.
Today I tell you to take who you are,
And love everything around you,
For you never know when its going to exit,
Our lives, our prayers, our hearts today ...our past of undying truth.

 *~~Willow's Grace~~* 


I remember you do you remember me too
Born on the 14th of July the smell of roses made her cry
And though you’re going far from home rest assured you’re not alone
'Cause i would give everything that i own
I’d give you my heart and this skin and these bones
the sun the moon the earth the sky i’d never even stopped to wonder why
I would do anything
I would give everything
To be your everything
It seems like such a long long time since your body crossed my mind
But i think that you should know
It wasn’t i who had to go
‘Cause i would give everything that i own
I'd give you my love and this heart made of stone
The sun the moon the earth the sky the motorcycle that i like to ride
I would do anything
I would give everything
To be your everything
But if ever you should stray just sing along and i will play
Look into your hands i’m slipping through them like a tiny grain of sand
I remember you do you remember me too
Seems like such a long long time since i held you near and called you mine
‘Cause i would give everything that i own
I’d give you my heart and this skin and these bones
The sun the moon the earth the sky a brand new car that you and i could drive
I would do anything
I would give everything
To be your everything
Everything

 ~~*Kat's Poem*~~ 


"I love her, can’t you see,"
I say to myself as I sit among the trees.
Deep in the heart of a precious wood.
"I need to tell her, yes, I should!"
Now let me tell you what she’s like.
You wouldn’t see more beauty on a nature hike.
As colours blend on an autumn tree.
More beautiful than that, even, is she.
"What about her heart?" you want to know.
She gives more love than winter does snow.
How does she do it?
I have no clue.
But when she says she loves you,
It’s more than true.
From our beginning,
From our start,
I’ve never wished to be apart.
For my hell on earth is simply this.
To lose, my dear,
This such sweet bliss.
I pray, sweetheart,
For you to see,
That you mean everything to me.
I love you Kat,
And that is true,
I’ve always needed someone like you.

 *~~Insecure~~* 


A girl who's unsure,
And a girl who's scared.
A girl who's changing,
And a girl who's unaware.
A girl who's been blessed,
Beyond her wildest dreams.
God touched her hand,
And her life was redeemed.
Her mind often ponders,
Asking "Why me Lord?"
My flaws show,
Yet I am far from low.
You put me in the palm of your hand.
How can I ever thank you?
He then says,
Just let your heart me true.
Be true to yourself,
Let your true self show.
He is your everything,
He's what makes you glow.
When your with him,
You laugh your fullest.
You love your deepest,
And your careless.
Careless about the world around you,
And Careless about your clothes.
Careless about your appearence,
And yet ...your flawless.

 ~~*LoVe*~~ 


As lovers sit beside each other
eye to eye they see
how meening full and full of love
each other shall always be
Love they say is to strong for words
and to strong to throw around
but nothing feels more like love
then listening to their hearts' which pound
Love is the most incredible feeling
one usually describes with sighs
you can feel the warmth and respect
when you look in to your lovers eyes
If Love should ever come within two hearts
their souls will colide into one
Then life will turn into a wonderful place
and seem there is good to be done

 *~~CoRy (what an asshole)~~* 


Shadow's lurking behind,
Catching up to my spriting run.
As fate begins to unwind,
I realize the damage is done.
My heart begins to tear.
As despair takes me.
The memories blankly stare,
At what was meant to be.
I begin to slow in hopelessness.
As I fall deeper within.
I can't help but reminisce,
Of your grave sins.
Tonight and forever, I lie in bed drowning.
Peace will not find me here.
Tears fill my eyes with yearning.
Of something so close and dear.

 ~~*The Invisible Girl*~~


A girl who's cut,
And suffers, cries, and bleeds,
Is she still present,
If no one sees?
"If she's invisible,"
"Does she still die?"
As she drowns
And begins to cry.
Her hearts torn into pieces.
With one thing molding it together.
As her life proceeds,
She continually suffers,
While everyone else,
Indulges in good deeds.
She moarnfully awakens
Each morning to more,
And labled as "the freak,"
While others are adored.
She proclaims to her Lord,
"Why me? Why must life be this way?"
While anger and malice take over.
She falls into rest,
Where she is so gracefully sheltered.
She begins to loose herself,
In something so terrifying,
For others have done onto her,
And her repay will be gratifying.
She again proclaims,
As others don't know what it's like,
And she finally says,
"Welcome to my life."
"Did you ever think of her?"
"Who's life was taken away?"
"She's imprisioned,"
"Every single day."
Unable to leave,
The anger in her builds,
She's trapped in herself,
As others get their will.
"Nothings ever good enough,"
She grieves sadly,
Always lementing,
As she goes crazy.
And as she tries to run,
She's only trapped more.
Trapped in a life,
To the very core.
Hope has left her,
And faith has been gone,
As her innocence,
Matters no more.
She is blammed,
For unameable deeds.
As others say,
"It happens to everybody."
As she tells herself,
"They can't be more wrong."
She slowly looses,
What she once helf strong.
An innocent girl,
Who's soul was taken away,
Now lies in bed,
Holding a knifeblade.
As she tears,
She tells herself,
"From here, it only gets better."
And she goes away to a land of wealth."

*~~Just A LiL Sumthin I wrote~~*


Tonight I lie in bed drowing.
All I can do is cry.
Within the tears are seeping.
And all I want to do is die.
Peace will not find me here.
Fate is set out in front of me.
Sadly, what I have lost is so dear.
But, these paths were meant to be.
You don't understand this.
Don't try to counsel or heal.
I don't want to reminise.
For you have broken the covenent seal.
You betrayed me like no one.
You destroyed my life.
With this I say, I'm done.
Yet, inside I softly strive.
Why did you commit these acts?
Were you so unsure?
No matter what, I had your back.
But now, our friendship endures.
Through thick and thin,
We have grown.
No matter what, we will win!
Our lives together are sewn.

~~*Freedom*~~


Have you ever wanted to just release it all?
But haven't in apprehension that no one will understand?
But when that one person stands up to help,
They sometimes fall and you feel like shit?
"Everyone's been through so much,"
"And no one wants to hear you complain,"
But all you want is someone to help you,
Out of the deep dark twisted world your in.
Pretty much everything you dreamed of is gone,
And pretty much everything you wanted has left,
And when it comes down to it,
We're all screwed over in the end.
Things come and appear
Only to keep you alive,
But when you need them the most
In reality you so full-heatidly strive.
Your friends have stabbed you in the back,
And all else is in choas..
And when you reach out,
Everyone runs away
Everyone doesn't understand
No matter what they say,
Simple things are twisted
And uncomplex things are difficult
And if you release what you want to say about everything,
You definitly loose what you wanted the most.
Because they take it the wrong way
Or they think you mean else ware
But honestly,
Without those things,
Those things that keep you alive,
You would've been in Heaven long ago,
Failing to strive in a reality
That you so desperately want to be a part of.
Life is hard,
And we learn so much,
But why do others rejoice,
While others bleed and suffer?
Why do you get so mad,
That your about to blow,
Because your so stressed out,
About almost everything in your life.
Your horomones are in a million directions
And everything around you is changing
And when you try to reach out..
IT ONLY GETS WORSE
And you try to keep it all inside
But all you do
Is lie in bed,
And in depression,
Drown in your own blood and cry.

*~~What You Did To Me~~*


Ever thought of what you did to me?
I miss the times I thought we were close.
Because of others, I suddenly realized
You caused me so much suffering and toxicity.
I miss the times we were up late at night,
But I was sudeenly demised
When we talked about anything and everything.
And you betrayed me many times.
I was to stupid to see,
That over and over again,
I was being stabbed in the back,
When you said you loved me.
YOU told me you loved me,
And you said we would be together.
The rest of our lives were weaved,
Into this path that was meant to be.
But it was all fake,
Why did you do this?
I can't tell you how much,
I lie in bed awake.
Yet, tonight I lie in bed crying.
For I thought we were Brother and Sister.
And I never want to imagine again.
In this undying reality.
Please let me be free!
For you were never my friend,
I hate you with a passion,
And hope the times I miss leave.

~~*True Love Never Dies..*~~


[I am gonna add a lil note on this one. I had to write a poetry collection for school and I contemplated upon a topic to write about. Therefore, I asked myself, "What if I was to my boyfriend and I were to break up...? The answer to my question resulted in this poem.]

When you look into my eyes,
There's so much I can't say.
I fear of what will happen,
To this paradise we made.
My whole body shakes,
When you cross my mind.
Why must I keep these secrets,
Until the day I die?
Every time I feel you,
My heart leaps a few times,
I can't imagine life without you,
It would seem like a crime.
No matter where I go,
My emotions are always with me.
They haunt me day and night,
Because we are meant to be.
I will never miss all those times,
We were up late at night,
Talking about everything,
And connecting that felt so right.
I've wanted to say, "I love you,"
For the longest time,
I want to be together again,
For it always consumed my mind.
And I will never miss those times,
We held on together,
And said everything would be okay,
When hope was held by a feather.
I realize now that I must tell you,
Everything within my mind.
For otherwise change will not occur,
And I will always have to softly strive.
"Why did we give this up?"
I ask with complete sincerity,
As I walk up to you one day,
And asked with complete clarity.
"We've been through so much,"
"Think and thin as the years passed by,"
"And yet we gave everything up,"
"And I still don't know why."
"Despite what happens,"
"I have always loved you."
"And despite everything,"
"I've always come through."
"I know I've made mistakes,"
"And I know I'm far from the best,"
"But I also realize now and forever,"
"That I will surpass all the rest."
"I can always guarentee,"
"That I will faith in you,"
"And when no one believes,"
"I will always remain true."
"I want to make you smile,"
"For the rest of my life,"
"And always be with you,"
"Every day and night."
"I so desperately want back what we had,"
"And If I don't ask you to be mine,"
"I can guarantee,"
"That I will regret it the rest of my life."
And I rejoice to the Heaven's.
As we kiss in solidity.
Because, for the longest time,
You have been thinking the same thing.
322293  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2004-08-17
Written: (7381 days ago)

Hey Everybody.


 Usually, I don't write on Elftown diary but I decided to start. Some of my friends like to visit this website and they can read my entries here or on my other diary. I have a second diary on www.opendiary.com. My username is Mountaindew. I am thinking about changing it though. If it does change, I will let you know. That is where I mainly write my stuff but I am also gonna write some stuff here...

  I somewhat make REALLY long entries that take a half hour to read...as my best friend Britty would say. (OFF_ROAD_BLAZER) But I write everything from prose to poetry to intellectual ideas because the main point of my writing is to make people think. Without people thinking, there really is no point because it's a waste of mind. I mean, the mind can be at ease sometimes but it's just confusing.

  Anyway, a little more about me. I was born on 9-14-88 in Cereal City Michigan. Now, I'm ALMOST *CHEER* sixteen. SwEeT SiXtEeN. I'm a sophomore at Harper Creek High which is really cool. I'm new there but I know some people from my old school (Endeavor/yeah.. that's it) which is good. I somewhat felt welcome. I really wanna join the swim team but I need my endurance level up because it's quite a bit of swimming. I am also in a professional choir that travels internationally. I just got promoted into the advanced performing ensomble *Vivace* and we are going to England next summer. *FUN FUN*

  I think I will keep my medical diary here too. It's a bit embarrassing but I have to have it because of my physical fitness and various things. The doctor told me to keep one for two months to track my menstral cycle and shit. Sometmes I get really sick and I don't know why. I mean, I don't think I have a cronic illness or anything along those lines but I just get really sick and I can't leave the house. It's horrible because I have so much pain and everything. But after December... everything will be back to physical normal. lolz

  I am going to conclude for now because my fingers hurt... I have a billion IM windows and stuff

Until Tomorrow's Dreams Come True: ~Angel
 The logged in version 

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