Hey,

I WARN YOU: THIS IS IN A NUTSHELL....

Well, I sort of had an epiphany last night. Unless you have known me for quite some time, you wouldn't understand why this is a good/new realization for me. I suppose it means I am moving on in a new direction because I would always be stuck in the past. It's a REALLY REALLY *X infinity* good thing because that it means I am truly underline TRULY happy.

If you know me, I'm usually only happy for a limited amount of reasons, if at all. But during my Homecoming dance, I felt something I never really felt before. It was amazing because I knew that THAT exact (place/whom I was with) was where I was supposed to be -it's where I was meant to be at that time. I wasn't supposed to be with anyone else or anywhere else.

For YEARS, I ALWAYS thought I belonged with ONE particular person. Did I "love" them? Yes. Did I go out with other people during that period, yes. I know it sounds mean, but I honestly thought I liked them [the other people I went out with,] during that time frame. I mean, I was just confused as to how I felt and didn't even know it until afterward.

Yet, I always went back to the same person -the same old feeling that what's "meant to be," is never going to happen. I was depressed, anxious, and just generally unhappy. Unhappy was not the only thing I felt at the time. I was so suicidal and even came close a few times. I was an all around bitch and now I look back, and regret every minute I wasted before....

What made it worse, was everyone else said we looked so cute together. They would constantly ask why we weren't together. They would nag and nag forEVER! It was horrible!!!! But, he just never wanted to, for reasons not known to me.

I mean, supposedly he told two people the "we woulda went out but..." speech. Yet, he denies liking me and the periods where he says he does, are simple confusions (well, to him anyway.) I mean, everyone thinks he does, (generally,) and I dunno if the whole "you two are cute thing," is ever gonna end. I mean, maybe we appear to be "fate," (or whatever the hell you wanna call it,) but now I know that this so called "fate," lies else ware for numerous reasons.

Now, I really do not give a shit whether he is in love with me or not. I wasted two/three years waiting for his ass to come around. He tells me, "I don't care if we are friends," and then calls me his Sister, the goes back to the "I don't like her mood." What the hell? I wasted all that time and I want to go back and change time so badly. I mean, I know that I am where I AM supposed to be -I'm with WHOM I'm supposed to be with and no one's going to alter that decision.

In contrast to then... I am now happy we're not together [or basically ever were together,] because I wouldn't of been here, in this state now -and here (right now,) is a VERY good thing. At the dance, I knew I was dancing with the right person. Now, it's not like I didn't have feeling with this person before -because yes, I did love this person before the dance. However, at the dance...I was positive that I'm not supposed to be with ANYONE else.

During that period of two/three years, I didn't really feel anything about anyone. It's like bloop, feeling block. (Yes, I did use bloop because I didn't know what else to put there.) It's like no matter what I did, I never liked anyone else for real, I never felt anything but "love" for real. I mean, I thought I did, but I really didn't. I liked the same person and now, I'm POSITIVE I don't like this person anymore. (I mean, I was positive before, but yeah.. you get what I mean.) After time passed, I knew I was ALWAYS going to "love" this ONE person. I was never gonna be with anyone else because I didn't feel ANYTHING for ANYONE else. Now, that feelings gone.

After I started to have this feeling (the new epiphany feeling,) I realized I just wasted almost two/three years of my life. It put me in a state that I shouldn't of been in. Why, I don't know. I'm not confused now because NOW is the only time that I am moving away from that direction and moving foreword into something amazing, something new, and most of all... something real. I also know because I'm I actually feel something now, in contrast to having no other emotion before. NOW is the only emotion I feel and it's the only emotion I wanna feel.

This feeling is just as if everything melts away and that one moment, (while the dancing occurs,) is the RIGHT moment. It feels like I am sheltered from everything horrible and wrong because there is nothing like that around me (which I know there is, but it feels as if there's not at that particular moment.) I feel as if the only thing I need to do is just dance with that ONE person. At that moment, the dancing was like me showing how I feel about this person and how I feel like ...myself.

The best symbol I can give you (and yes, it does sound corny,) is like a bubble. Like I'm standing in the middle of a room where horrible things are placed, deceiving thoughts and words try to haunt me, and most of all... they are trying to destroy the bubble. Now, this bubble is a thin layer wrapped around me protecting me from everything in this room. The feeling is the bubble. But the bubble is popped if the feeling isn't true for the reasons and guidelines that I BELIEVE it is true for (I know that's confusing but PLAY ALONG! lolz.)

At that time, and as the feeling begins to grow more prominently, I feel truly happy, no matter what happens. I know the source of this feeling feels somewhat the same about me also. Yet, it's just like I'm ecstatic and NO MATTER WHAT, this feeling will ALWAYS make me so excited (not like horny excited,) because I know it's the feeling I want to have and am supposed to have with this person.

JUST OMG lolz... there's really nothing in English to describe it more than that. Although, there is LOADS more lolz :)

Love always,
~Angel

Hey,

I am going to kinda so a switch order here. I don't really wanna write anymore but I'll write a BIT about this.

The friend I have had for over three years, *Daniel,* said the "I don't care if we are friends anymore," type of thing. Then, he ignores me. He's being a freakin idiot b-cuz of the reasoning *or supposive reasoning,* and all this. Pisses me off that we can't even be FRIENDS... but you know what... FUCK IT! If he doesn't wanna be friends, we don't have to be.

By the way, IF AND ONLY IF anyone tore us apart *as friends,* which I'm thinking that was a factor, I hope they burn in hell and then come back to life and then burn in hell again because they sure do deserve it. MOTHER FUCKERS. Not that they care what I SAY, but I'm SURE what's about to come to them is gonna make them regret lifting a finger (and yea, that should scare you whoever you are...)

THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH ONLY APPLIES IF SOMEONE TRIED TO TARE US APART~

~Angel

Hey Everybody!

Now, I am not the preppy type but dances and especially PROM are very VERY important to me for many reasons. There's just certain emotions you feel at a dance or PROM that you can't really feel anywhere else. That's why they are so important to me. It's like at a dance, everything is different because nothing matters, just that one night where everything is planned and all you worry about is having fun.

For my entire life, I won't doubt it, I have been treated like a freak. It doesn't really matter whether I am a freak or not, it's just.. I've been treated like one. Most people treat me like shit, use me, abuse me, and just throw me around until their done and wanna move on to the next person. At first, I supposed it was because I was gullible and just retarded. Now, it's more like I'm just easy like that. Thanks world.. makes me wanna kill myself every day when people do that. But I suppose MOST people just don't give a fucking shit.

Yet, at dances I don't have to be treated like a freak, I can be treated like a person and I look foreward to them every day because it's the ONE night in a very long time where I am considered the exact same as everyone else. At the last homecoming I was at, I felt great because all my friends were there in the same place with me just having fun. I didn't have to worry about what others thought because everyone else was just like me, having fun.

Now, if someone fucks up those plans, I get super pist.. because it's so important to me. GOD DAMMIT! I mean, ERRRRR I get so depressed because I have nothing to look foreward to anymore (at least for a long while.) I mean, these are so important to me that if someone screws it up, I feel they they are treating me as if I'm unimportant... whether I'm important to them or not. I mean, they could love me to death and I would still feel like that because they took what I felt was really important and pushed it aside as if it were nothing.

I mean, I'm not saying anyone did this or they are at fault, because those are semi-false to completely false. I'm just saying that's how I feel when things like this get screwed over for me. I mean, seriously, if my homecoming night got seriously screwed up, I wouldn't even go. I'd sit in my room, cry, then do more homework and try to benefit society to be treated like a person.

Am I saying that all people treat me like shit? HELL NO! Everyone has friends and people they love. I know there are people that care about me a lot. Am I saying they don't matter or count? NO! That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just saying a lot of society in general treats me that way and it makes me feel like shit because they don't even know me. Just... I don't think anyone could really understand so I'm gonna shut up.

~Angel

DATE   TIME   PLACE      ENSEMBLE
10-1-04 6:30 p.m. Fed. Ctr. Blrm. Octavio
10-16-04 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    Am/Viv (w/BCB)
10-22-04 7:30 p.m. Allendale, MI  Vivace (w/BCB)
10-29-04 7:30 p.m. Eaton Rapids, MI Vivace & Octavio
11-10-04 5:45 p.m. Heritage Dome  Octavio
12-1-04 7:00 p.m. Schuler's Rest. Amabile
12-2-04 7:00 p.m. Westlake Pres.  Octavio
12-3-04 7:30 p.m. Tecumseh, MI   Vivace & Octavio
12-8-04 7:00 p.m. Schuler's Rest. Vivace
12-18-04 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC 
12-19-04 3:00 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC 
4-23-05 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC 
5-7-05  7:30 p.m. KCC Binda    Amabile & Vivace
5-8-05  3:00 p.m. KCC Binda    Amabile & Vivace


These are the dates and times of my concert. If you know which group I am in, then you know exactly what concerts I am in..

~Angel

Hey,

My life has pretty much been turned upside down at this point. The reason I am not making any entries is because I don't know what the fuck is going on and I am finding out so much about EVERYTHING that I didn't know before.

Things are happening to me that I never imagined possible. I wish I was someone else. It's not that I don't want some things within my life but others, I would do anything to live without. It's a long story... I'll make a noval when I finish

~Angel

Hey Everybody!

  So much has been going on right now. Last night, I thought I finally lost everything! I thought that sooner or later, I would kill myself. I was almost positive that last night would be the night. I can't possibily put into words everything thats happened.

  All I can say is thank you to someone who forgave me for unforgivable acts. I love this person very much and last night, I made a lot of realizations. If I wouldn't of talked to this "person," I would of probably been in bed all day, or crying, or maybe even dead. Thank you so much for how you've changed my life... not only last night, but every night since the first day I met you.

  I can promise you that I will always be there, always believe in you, and most of all always have faith in you. Nothing is ever going to change that.. no matter what happens. I hope we can be together for a very long time. I will always be there to support you in whatever you wanna do and I know what I'm saying is true.

  I know I have commited acts that are unforgivable. You were more of a person than I ever will be...because you offered me forgiveness. I will forever be thankful that you were there to listen to me and talk things through. There's so much to describe how I feel right now, but I get the feeling that everything is gonna be all right. Through Heaven and hell, everything will be all right. :)

~Angel

Dear ________,

(For *winkers* reasons, I have to keep the keeper of this anonomous.)

   Have you ever been around people that say things are just fate? Things such as the sky and the stars.... things that were made for each other and will always be together for all of eternity? Such a big promise, but something that someone is willing to sacrifice for anything in this world. The one true thing they want the most. The thing they are willing to give anything for.... even their life.

   For most of my life, I thought that ugliness, hatred, and lonliness was meant for me. I was so low at some points, that lower points were made below ground. For quite some time, I wanted to kill myself. LoLa... how fun. However, two people changed my life forever.

   Now... things are so different, it's not even funny. I am beginning to believe that I am not just a worthless piece of crap. I am starting to believe that I am a person too, not someone who deserves nothing. I mean, I am not being selfish. I am believing that I am an equal person.

   These people guided me through trouble and have been there pretty much my entire life. For that, I will be eternally greatful and I will love them for the rest of my life. Nothing can separate me from these two people... not pain nor death. I will always be with them and help them through anything. I am willing to sacrifice my everything for their welfare. They changed my life and I will be friends with them forever.

   Through anything in life, I want them to be happy above anything else. I will always care about them even if we are fighting. I will always believe in them and have faith in them, no doubt. There is absolutely NO doubt in my mind these people will be sucess.

   One of these "friends," is a guy. The other is a girl. This guy "friend" I have is one that I care about deeply *winkers.* The girl, I have been friends with since I was like negative born lol. These people have changed my life and I will always be thankful that I have them with me.

   One (at least I believe so,) will separate from us next year or thereafter. Although I don't want her to leave, I want her to know that she should do whatever her heart desisres. I want her to be happy and if that means leaving, I support her in whatever she wants to do. If she does not follow her heart, she will not live a happy live. With that said, she's my Sissy forever and I love her :).

   The other "friend," is someone that I will always care about through thick and thin. I will always be there for him and have faith in him. I will always love him throughout my life. Perhaps not like couple love, but care about love. It's something that will never leave me. I can't stay mad at him forever because I know that we are meant to be friends (or something more,) for the rest of our lives. I would do anything for him and I trust him more than pretty much anyone. I love you Daniel :)

   Every day, I thank God that he gave them to me. We are like Brothers and Sisters... meant to be together through Hell, Heaven, Death, and life. Everything that happens, happens with us together. We have never faught about anything or stopped speaking to each other. It's pure fate that we met each other and pure fate that we will be together forever.

ViRgInItY

Lately, I have been asking my friends about virginity. Is this because I want to loose it? No, I want to wait until I feel as if it is the right time to loose it. However, before a few days ago, I really didn't know what the right time was. I have waited quite a while to have sex (16 years,) while people I used to know of 13, are now bearing children.

Do I get made fun of for being a virgin? By some people, yes. Others say "I wish I would have waited like you or I wouldn't be carrying this..." Some ask why I have waited. Frankly, I always imagined sex as something special, but not "non pre-marital" special. Frankly, it is true that sex is overrated. But I want to make it meaningful for my first time.

To me, having sex with a virgin is a reward in two ways. If you seriously care about the person, then you are willing to take their heart, mind, and gift to keep and hold with you. It would be special to you because it's from the one you love forever. Perhaps your not in love with them for the rest of your lives, but you do care about them deeply. The other thing is (if your a mother fucking asshole) is virgins can sometimes be tight and it feels better. I guess it's just one of facts of life.

Now, I used to believe that I would never have sex with someone who is a non-virgin for my first time. This is because I am loosing a lot more than they ever will. They've already had sex so their gift is elseware and they can take your gift and covenent and misuse it. Frankly, now my opinions have differed greatly. I believe that the person you are willing to loose it to is giving you something in return. The heart felt love of the promise that lasts forever. They are willing to recieve that gift and use it for the greater good (in your relationship etc.)

An Unbiological Sister(s) of mine, *in case you were wondering if I met any of my Sisters,* told me something I will never forget. I simply asked her what feeling I will get when I am ready to loose it. I figure every girl in the world gets a special feeliing and she just knows in all essence of things. I don't really know how to explain it.

The emotion basically is something along the lines of: You want to give this person a gift that lasts forever, whether you are with them or not. You want it to be them and no one else because your so incredibily in love with them, that it's impossible to not share this with them. This isn't simply love though, because all things don't last forever. This is a case where even you are not talking anymore, or your married to other people, or anything else... you wan them and them alone to carry the present you gave them that wonderful night.

^She also commented on how sex is overrated but one should make the first time meaningful... Which is something I also believe...^

You won't regret doing it with them for your one and only first time because it was with them -the person you so strongly were willing to give this gift to for all eternity. **I know this is sorta deep, but play along** This person is going to have YOUR heart and soul and gift until the end of the world and everyone burns in hell. :-D...

In some cases, sex is sex. I'm sorry to say, but it is. In other's it can be a special gift shared with someone and you will never be able to have that gift returned. I wanna make sure I found the right person before I am willing to give them the gift of forever. It's a mightly large promise and it's such a hard decision to make.

The person I wanna loose my virginity to (when I do indeed decide to loose it,) is someone that I care about so deeply, I want them to have my everything. *That sorta didn't sound right but again, play along :-D* I am willing to give my heart and mind to for all of time. They are someone I wanna share something with that I cannot and refuse to share with anyone else. I would be so deeply in love with them that words could not describe how I feel. Because I feel so deeply for them, I would be willing to make such a promise and bear such a memory or gift of forever.

Afterward, I wouldn't cry (maybe tears of joy,) I would simply be. Actually, I would be very happy. Not because I can prove myself, but I have such a connection with one person in this world, that I can share something so great with them....I would be happy for them and for me because we were obviously ment to share this together in this deep, dark, ...malicious world.

Hey, just something to think about lol
~Angel

Hey,

I know someone on here is taking my poetry...and it's pissing me off. Stop doing it! That's all I gotta say 'cuz some of it's published and if you publish it too, then you just committed an illegal action. Plus, two of those are not mine. They are someone elses, your just being an asshole and your gonna have to pay the consiquences of stealing my stuff..

Toddles David!

~Angel

Hey Everyone,

Mainly I make my entries on Open diary but there was a hacker within the site and delted all of my entries in the last three months.

Anyways, I am through the roof. I am always enraged with my vengeful, unfair, and horrible Mother. I hate her beyond all belief and if murder was not a crime, I would have done it a long time ago. She has pissed me off over and over again with little, petty, worthless things. I hope in the end, she is the one to pay.

Generally, my life would be so much better without her. She restrains me from anything and mistakes are unquestionable. She never fills out paperwork I need, she takes me to school late, and she's ruining my perminent record. It is shit now because of her faults and seflishness.

Recently, my Boyfriend stayed the night. His *Sisters Boyfriend* got into a car accident out of town. At 4:30 in the morning we were watching a movie. I was so le tired that I fell asleep. He couldn't wake me up so he just slept there with me. There were no other beds in the house than of course, in my room. But, he didn't know that. No, we didn't have sex or anything. I want to wait for a long time before we do anything because of personal reasons.

Anyway, my Mother was THERE. We didn't do anything inappopiate... and she "screamed" at me the next morning. Well, now she's not letting me see him very often, if at all, because she said I looked like a whore. A whore is someone who has sex with numerous people and doesn't wear clothes to revel their "sexy" (trust me, some of them are UGLY) body.

I am a virgin and haven't really done anything that's beyond my age. I was supposed to go to his football game tonight. She said I could go and stay there because we wouldn't get back until two in the morning -or so. Well, now, AN HOUR before I am supposed to leave, she says I can't go. She is late to everywhere I am supposed to go. She never supports me, and I hate her SO MUCH.

However, his :)WonderfuL:) Mother came and picked me up. She didn't call because she didn't know the number. This made me really happy because I really wanted to go to his football game. Mom let me go becuse she had "drove all this way." YAY Liberation Day! *Well, sort of* I really appreciate his Mother picking me up :) Thank you. *I know she's not reading this but oh, well.

We got into this big 'ol fight and I have a feeling that we will get into another one. She needs to let me live my life and if she doesn't, than I am gone. She will officially loose her daughter on September 14th, 2007. I will move in with someone else for a while, then figure out what I'm gonna do. I won't tell my Mom where I am so she doesn't come find me, and I will never return to her at any point in my life.

When we got into the argument, she actually called me a whore (in a nutshell.) In my life, I have never heard of a virgin whore. COME ON? That's like the fucking opposite. She was like "YOU SHOULD CARE HOW YOU LOOK BECAUSE THAT NIGHT YOU LOOK LIKE A WHORE." Well, EXCUSE ME! But, it's not like anything of that nature hasn't happened before.

Did it hurt my feelings? HELL NO! Her opinions and accusations don't matter to me. In my life, Mother has never really hurt my feelings because what she says really doesn't matter. I know I sound evil, but move in with me and see what I mean? I would say there are four people *out of thirteen* that have some real faith that I will have a good life. Everyone else just thinks I am going to end up to be a worthless bitch. They don't say it, but they brag about thier childrens and the families accomplishments, but always seem to leave me out.

Is this because I have never accompished anything? HELL NO! It's because they hate me. I'm not being paranoid about it either. It took my aunt a whole hell of a lot of beer etc. to even say "you've grown into something better than before." WOW! Just four-five months ago, she was calling me a lazy ass Mother fucker. What a change!! Not really, it was just the beer, etc.

I would say that I have accompished a fair amount in my life. I have ALWAYS done well in school and never failed a class. I did have a C+ once, but that was a typo. The teacher didn't average it out right (she did it by hand because the computers didn't work.) I have recieved letters of acceptence from college, scholarships from the Air Force, and even a placement im this fucked up book about my school career. I know it sounds sorta boastful, but it's really nothing compared to the real genuises out there. :) I also have taken the SAT and MEAP tests and gotten "above average scores."

If you know me though, I don't act like a smartie..rather a dumbass :-0 I don't want people to think I'm a genius or smart or whatever the hell they wannna think along those lines. Oh well, I scored well on some tests and I do my homework. Whoopiedodah!~

I think my life extends out beyond intelligence. I used to be a counselor over the intnernet *mainly about sex.* But once you go through that, you learn things and help people in a way never possible. I also am a professional singer. I have been on tours to Chicago, Indie, and various places in Michigan. I also have performed with an opera, major choirs such as the Kalanazoo Ringers. This year, I am taking a five day tour in Canada and a three week *about* tour in England.

Yes, people have said I sucked. But, people say that everyone sucks. Even the most famous of people....Frank Sinatra, Tony B, Brittany Spears, Eminem, the list goes on and on. Those people made/make hundreds of millions of dollars a year. Do I like all those people? NO! Some of their, if not all their, music SUCKS! Does that mean they suck? Not according to some people. There's a difference between talent and appearing to be good.

For example, someone who's talented has a range of 4-4.5 octaves, can sing a chormatic scale a cappella, sing in other languages, actually sound good, have great facial expression and tone, dynamics, you name it! Someone who appears to be talented uses a voice mixer to fuck up the real sound, praces across the stage shaking their fat as they go, and looking like they are in the middle of having sex on the stage. Sorry, but that's how some of them look *cough.*

  Hey Everyone! I decided to post my poetry here because the description in my house was getting to long. Anywayz, if you haven't already, enjoy! I added some new ones and stuff to eliminate uneeded entries. :)