ET: Member blog

[.x. Living Nightmare .x.]'s diary

488409 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-02-05
Written: (7230 days ago)

This is true and yet very untrue at the same time.. funny how things can be like that, huh? If it were my choice, I would bold and italicise this to anyone who's going through a situation like this...

SOUL DECISION - Stay Lyrics
Stay, forever, forever.

I'm not that kind of guy who believes in wishful thinking,
I do not believe putting that much on the line.
Ever since you came, and took my heart away,
I knew everything would work out fine.

I'm not the kind of guy, that thinks that I should I should own you.
I don't think that how love was meant to be.
Now that I've got you, I don't ever want you to leave me baby.
So I'm asking to you, to just promise me you'll stay.

[Chorus:]
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll

I'm not that kind of guy who goes into things so quickly,
I like to play the game nice and slow.
Ever since you came, you knocked me off my feet.
I knew that I could never let you go.

I'm not the kind of guy, who believes that love's a notion.
I think what is meant to be should be.
If you should ever leave, I'll be lost without you.
So i'm asking to make a little promise to me,

(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll

I'm not the kind of guy, that thinks that I should I should own
you.
I don't think that how love was meant to be.
Now that i've got you, I don't ever want you to leave me baby.
So I'm asking to you, to just promise me you'll stay.

(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll

(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll

(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll stay

488408 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-02-05
Written: (7230 days ago)

[Simple Plan]

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you’re bleeding

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy
But I’m not gonna be ok!

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don’t know what it’s like
What it’s like!

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

487122 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2005-02-04
Written: (7232 days ago)

My inner dragon is...

[mist dragon#99]

In the war between good and evil, a Mist Dragon tends to walk the fine line of Neutrality.
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon walks a fine line between Law and Chaos.
As far as magical tendancies, Your inner dragon has the ability to conquer the world of magic, but it will not be easy.
During combat situations, a true Mist Dragon prefers to defeat opponents by the use of spells and other tactics.

[Dragon Description:]
The Mist Dragon is a highly magical being. It makes it's home in moist areas, but seems to have the ability to appear in any fog or mist in any climate. It is unclear as to whether these dragons follow mist, or mist follows these dragons.

The Mist Dragon is a grayish blue in color, and floats freely in air as though it were mist itself. The Mist Dragon never leaves tracks or traces of it's passing. These dragons move very gracefully and swiftly through their element.

Mist Dragons are very free in nature and seem to be very unpredictable personalities. They are outspoken, and often are harbingers of great changes or happenings.

487115 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2005-02-03
Written: (7232 days ago)

Hey,

There are some very headached thoughts that are running through my head constantly. I mean, the actual application somewhat applies to me, but I don't really know how to explain it. I mean, it also somewhat doesn't apply, but I'll leave that to your discresion.

For the last few years, the whole idea of being in love, loving the idea of love, and what love is has run through my head many times and I still haven't drawn an actual conclusion. The only real thing I have come up with is that the ACTAUL FEELING of love cannot be described in any language, whether it's human or not. When I usually read other people's views on love, it's something like "It's the feeling where..." or "This happens when..." or even something like "I love him/her because..." All three of these, or probably any description used, only describes what relates to love, rather than the actual feeling itself. That's just my thought about the genre but anywayz...

Lately, I've been thinking about the actual levels of someone falling in love. I figured, there are two general levels in a relationship. Once the first level is obtained, love is present. But once the second level is obtained, a mature and pure love is present. There is a huge difference between the two...

When people typically think of love, they just relate things to love. I do that too because there is no way I can actually describe general love.. everyone feels differently about love.. or some nothing at all until they have obtained it.

In love, (or at least in my opinion of love,) there's a maturity level to it. FOR EXAMPLE: When an obstacle (or two,) approaches... there's a decision to be made. Do they diverge their ways? Does one decide to end the relationship because of the suffering and depression of the other due to the obstacle? Or.. Does the person/people end the relationship because they just feel it's too much of a pain in the ass.

The first two demonstrate love, but one is higher than the other. For the person to do something so painful and dramatic because of the other's well-fare, is one of the ultimate sacrifices. I personally would like to give a standing ovation to anyone who has done that.. they are selfless people and the world will realize how good you are at heart. The other is also love (diverging ways..) but for different reasoning. It simply shows that they do love them, but not enough to go through obstacles.. which isn't pure and mature love in the first place.

I mean, I know opinions differ and I'm probably somewhat wrong about this genre, but I'm giving it a shot and maybe if somebody actually reads this, they can give me the heads up or possibly realize something they didn't know before. I'm not trying to preach or even change opinions. I just wanted to write about this to get a perspective on life and perhaps mature somewhat in the genre.

There's just.. it's a complex issue. Love is the happiest feeling in the world, but it doesn't always make you happy. It's extremely ironic and some people say "to the hell with love," until they finally find the love of their lives. Some people are not lucky enough to find their soulmate, but they still love anyway. What's the deal with this feeling? It mixes everyone up to an extent where they have to reach out and somehow "realize," what they actually want. Then, when they get confused again, the whole process repeats.

[A girl I know very well wrote this...

"Loving him gives me something to triumph along side me when times get hard. The feeling of loving someone so perfect is like nothing is wrong in this world, even in the greatest times of despair. Most of all, loving him is like breathing. I feel the air circulate through my body and it energizes me to live. It's there no matter what, walking with me through every step of my life, making me feel like the most special person in the world, even through I'm unknown to most of it."

"I only wish that I could return the feeling that never leaves me, I only wish I would love fully like I've never been hurt, give everything like nothing has been stolen, and live life as if there's no tomorrow. I wish I could return everything he's given me because it haunts me day and night, helping me wherever I need to go within my life, and helps me help others."

"I never want the feeling to leave, I would be willing to go through anything and sacrifice anything without hesitation. It just seems like nothing else matters and my whole world melts into one perfect feeling that cannot be broken... the feeling of love."]

I don't really want to talk about my emotional involvement with Cody. That's really no ones buisness and it's more private than probably a lot of stuff I keep inside. I'm not in any way ashamed of loving Cody, but if you knew me, you would understand.

With all the love I have,
~Angel

486334 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2005-02-02
Written: (7233 days ago)

Hey, just a lil song to say how I've been feelin' since last night...when I found out the supposive truth...

Took me a while
But I'm finally here
I just wanna testify
Make it crystal clear
See I've been picked out
To be picked on
Talked about out my friends mouths
I've been beat down
Til he turned my life around
Turn my life around

Seems like I always fall short
Of bein worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough
But He still loves me

I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shining on me
Cuz I ain't good enough
But He still loves me
I used to wake up somedays
And wish I'd stayed asleep
Cuz I went to bed on top of the world
Today the world's on top of me
Everybody's got opinions
They ain't been in my position
That it breaks my heart
When I hear what they have to say about me

[Seems like I always fall short
Of bein worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough
But He still loves me
I ain't no superstar
I wanna be for you
The spotlight ain't shining on me
Cuz I aint good enough
but He still loves me]

[I'm not perfect]
(I'm not perfect)
[Yes I do wrong]
(yes I do wrong)
[I'm trying my best]
(trying my best but)
[But it aint good enough]
(just aint good enough)
[Shunned by the world
If I don't succeed
Cuz I aint good enough]
But he still loves me
(I just aint good enough)

If you ain't worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed
To be loved

Stand for him or fall for anything
Cuz through his eyes we all look the same
What will we do
Without out pain

Seems like I always fall short
Of bein worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough
But He still loves me

I ain't no superstar
(I ain't no superstar but I wanna be for you Lord)
The spotlight ain't shining on me
Cuz I aint good enough
But You still love me

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm trying my best but
(tryin my best)
It aint good enough
(I'm not good enough)
Shunned be the word
(shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
(i dont succeed-ceed-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough
But He still loves me
(child sing with me)
I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm trying my best but
It aint good enough
(But the Lord's been so good to me)
Shunned be the word
(Shunned by the world)
If i don't succeed
Cuz I ain't good enough
(I ain't good enough)
But He still loves me
(The Lord still loves me)

No I ain't good enough
But He still loves me
(Raise your hands if you understand)
No I ain't good enough
(How He blessed you cuz He blessed you too)
but He still loves me
(even though I aint worthy)
No I aint good enough
(you aint worthy, He is there for you)
but He still loves me
(no matter what I do)
No I ain't good enough
(I ain't good enough)
but He still loves me
the Lord still loves me

http://beyonce.lyrics-songs.com/lyrics/78496/

477994 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-01-22
Written: (7245 days ago)

Hey Everybody

Excuse my horrible grammer and mechanic errors, I happen to be in a bad mood right now... no, I'm not in a bad mood all the time but I just sorta vent when I write and it makes it hard to write every time I'm in a good mood.

In the car, on the way home, I just sorta realized something that I've actually been thinking for quite a while, "What's the point of life?" Some may say it is to be happy and live dreams -and how many people actually live this life? I would say close to none.

In general, I love life, it's basically a lot of aspects of life I hate -I hate my past -the restraits -where I am placed in society -my ability ..the list could go on and on. Now, I am NOT saying there is no positive aspects in my life, as a matter of fact, there are lots. But, what's the point of life if basically no one can live their dream and be truly happy?

I am NOT trying to tear down anyone's dreams, but it's extremely hard to suffer and despair so much in so little time, and expect the outcome to be good. Maybe I am just being pessimistic, but at this point in time, that's just the way I feel. There are no magic wands in life, nothing can just magically change to make everything better forever.

People strive through social difficulties and so much more in school, and then after they reach graduation, the point where they believe their lives will turn around, everything goes to hell when one is in debt for college and must work at Mikey D's to make somewhat a living. One must strive to make ends meat in this society and although money does not make yo happy, without it, you would be homeless sleeping in a cardboard box..during the wintertime.

Once life reaches so bad, one cannot turn back. People change and deal with experience differently. This determines what a person is, but when one's personality changes because of horrific events, it typically gives them pessismistic traits. Once the horrific events continue, they begin to soar higher than ever because now that your a different person, everything changes around you... you loose things you once loved, your emotions change, and most of all, your view on yourself has changed.

I admit it, I have never believed in myself through pretty much anything. Every time I try to exceed, I fail and it turns out worse than before, even if I know I can do it. I believe in some cases, someone needs to lead me and when there's no one there, I'm left helpless and everyone has the impersionation that I SUCK (yes, that was directed towards someone.) I don't exceed because I don't believe, it's something in life you must aquire and even then, what's the point? Someone will probably screw it up for you anyway.

Have you ever noticed that JUST WHEN things get good, they turn bad again? It's impossible to have a fully good life forever, after all, if everyone's life was perfect, then you would know exactly how things would go and it would be completely pointless to live. But when things happen to the point where it changes you so much, you have to start new, things are just getting to far. Then, you have to reach a point where even starting new isn't good enough.

Have you ever noticed that in a lot of cases, nothing is really good enough. Once you have what you originally wanted, you want more? I guess it's just the never-ending desire for perfection that we can never obtain as humans. Maybe.. I'm just rambling... and maybe, I'm trying to send a true message to the world. Who knows?

My random ramblings have turned into nothing.. but I will write a second entry as to why I wrote this entry lolz

~Angel

477991 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-01-22
Written: (7245 days ago)

Hey Everybody

On the way home, I just reaized two things and I will separate them into two separate entries because it's my fucking journal and I can do that! Lolz..

Basically, tonight was hell. I blew my voice test (Varsity,) I blew my Octavio audition (BCGC,) and now I'm faced as to whether I should quit or not (Both.) The fact is, I'm nothing without someone holding my hand and leading me, it's just the way things are.

I don't believe in myself (vocally,) I get nervous and completely suck like usual. And those who say I'm good, are just trying to make me feel better because they know music is one of the only things I COULD be good at. If I believed a little bit, maybe I would be like those singers I always wanted to be.

You may ask who I wanted to be ...eh? Whenever someone asked me that question I never replied Brittany Spears or Avril or even Jessica Simpson. I would always reply with, Jessica, Chelsea, Julie, Rochelle, Laura, Staci, Sara... all people that were either in my section or I just thought were really good (they sing in choir with me.) Those were the people that held my hand and leaded me to the other side of the rainbow. Every single one of those people (that were in my section,) are gone accept Laura. She just got promoted and I don't blend too well with her. Nay, she's a VERY good singer though.

I just get the feeling that without them, I am absolutely nothing... just a worthless off-pitch/tone first alto. When I was with Jessica, all was good because she was amazing and helped me through anything I had trouble with. She always reassured me that everything was okay when we were singing our parts because if I was having trouble, all it would take was a light tap from her to fix it. Since the day I met her, four years ago on September 9th, I wanted to be like her.

Just this year, I got to sit by her. But she quit mid-year. Yes, I did cry a few times because we were good friends, and now, I feel totally helpless because I don't have her anymore next to me.. guiding me through all the *close-to-impossible* music we do. She expanded my technique dramatically and I was so sad when she left.

Now, I absolutely suck without her. I don't have someone to help me because I don't believe that I can have the voice that I did with her. I don't believe unless I imagine her singing it with me, then of course, I overpower pretty much everyone because it's like she's coming out through my vocal cords (yeah, I know this sounds fucking werid..)

I just feel completely helpless and I don't know what to do. Telling me to believe in myself doesn't really help because there's a part of me that KNOWS I'm never gonna be as good as Chelsea or Jessica. Even some of those people, along with Lisa, etc. have said I was bad. Most of those people haven't heard me in two or more years. They don't know what I sound like now, but maybe I am just trying to justify the truth...

~Angel

466273 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-01-08
Written: (7259 days ago)

Hey Everybody

When I used to write entries on Opendiary, Livejournal, or any of those other websites where I tried to keep my secrets from the world because of fear, despair, and many other things, I learned a very valuable lesson. I would sometimes relate topics that were totally understandable to complex ones that it seems like only the highly intellectual or intelligent could understand.

Well, I don't categorize myself into either one of those categories, but I at least have a somewhat understanding of what the world is like and why humans behave like they do, (or at least I would like to think so...) If you've read either one of my journals, (or the ones that I wrote years ago and don't remember,) you will probably see that I was a stupid little girl back then. I have grown so much from experience and I figure that with more experiences, I will learn more and become a stronger person.

I don't really want to get into faith/religious topics, abortion, gay marriage, and those types of controversial issues, but it's werid how the world works and what's classified as "good" and "evil" because they may actually be one merged thing and everyone just may need to realize that.. okay, I am rambling.. on to the next topic.

Anyway, I watched "White Chicks," a few days ago and I learned a lot about some **girl/boy** issues I had been having over the last few years. I was wrong in stereotyping guys who were not manwhores, immature, worthless, etc. into one or all of those categories. I was at a point where I thought all men were out to get women and at this point, (and even a little before,) I was proven wrong by some fantastic guys. I don't see why girls don't realize them.. but perhaps they will one day.

I truly don't understand why guys have to put up with us bitchy girls (sometimes.) I know for a fact I go through my "bitchy" mode and although girls don't like to admit it, they do too. I would like to personally thank from all the "nice girls," guys who put up with us drunk, at parties, help us through boy problems, our bitchy periods or other times of the month, our ramblings over nothing that they help us disect for three hours, going shopping with us, etc. without even expecting a thank you or anything in return. You have to admit that when you really think about it ladies, guys put up a lot w/ us and our thanks goes to you.

I am NOT saying however the following:
*Guys deserve all the praise
*Girls never give thanks..etc.
*All girls treat guys with the decent respect
*All guys treat girls with the decent respect
*Other things that fit into the three above categories.

Personally, I am SICK of guys having to put up with us ladies and we do absolutely nothing in return except bitch more and more as the day goes on. Guys truly do deserve the praise that they so desperately try to achieve in their own lives. I love guys (in a friendly way and even more for one...) and I think they are underestimated for their abilities etc.

CHANGE OF TOPIC!!!!

Well, I am sort of going in the opposite direction but back to the "White Chicks" topic... girls do so much for guys to notice them and the motto for "nice guys finish last" also applies to girls. Some NICE (not saying pure,) but NICE girls are unthanked, underestimated, etc. for everything they do for guys, and everyone else around them.

FOR EXAMPLE:
*A journal entry from ANOTHER anonomous girl...*

The night is finally here that I will never forget. I am so excited, scared, and everything else at the same time. I only wish for that ONE night to go perfectly with no flaws because I will never experience another night like that again. I want it to be bliss and everything else good in the world :)

[I am writing this RIGHT after I got home...]

I got up around six in the morning and took a nice long bath. After all, I wanted to lightly smell like an apple (his favorite smell.) I also treated my hair so it smells good and it will look beautiful when I get it done :) I am also going to get a manacure and a pedicure so I have beautiful nails. I want to look flawless.. I want him to know that I spent so much time preparing for this moment because it's so special. :)

After treating my skin to some locion, I went to the salon. After I got home, I only had a few hours to do my make-up, and put on my dress that I spent hours looking for. The dance is gonna be so special and I hope it's a night I will never forget.

After spending HOURS getting ready, he came to the door looking stuning.. he said "You look beautiful." And that set me heart racing.. it's all I wanted, for him to notice that I spent so much time and put so much effort into looking spectacular for him when we went together.

While we were dancing, I could feel the chemistry between us. He didn't push and I didn't either. We just let it flow naturally and on this night, I feel so much in love with him.

After I got home, we wasn't immature what-so-ever. He simply just kissed me on the cheek and opened the door for me. I love him so much and I'm glad this night happened...he's worth all my time and energy into everything I do and even without realization, I know that he will someday be thankful for everything I do and I hope that I see everything he does, and give him the same thanks :)

I believe, being a girl, that girls expect guys to notice things like in the above entry, and when girls give something up for guys (like their virginity,) then girls usually feel paranoid and various other things.. but that's to be discussed another day.

This is just sort of my tired random ramblings on an important life lesson I learned. I hope it helped you in some way as it helped me :)

~Angel

458358 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2004-12-29
Written: (7269 days ago)

All 4 One
I Swear

swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
and I swear like the shadow that's by your side

I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
You can be sure I know my part
Cause I stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes
I'll never break your heart

Chorus
And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

I'll give you every thing I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the wall
And when (and when) just the two of us are there
You won't have to ask if I still care
Cause as the time turns the page
My love won't age at all

And I swear (I swear) by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)

For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

And I swear (I swear) by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)

For better or worse (better or worse)
Till death do us part I'll love you
With every single beat of my heart
I swear I swear I swear

455555 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2004-12-26
Written: (7272 days ago)

The IF Survey~

IF I...
Was a profession I'd be: A vocal musician OR A ¿RN?
Was a country I'd be: Greece
Was a ocean or body of water I'd be: The Pacific Ocean
Was a famous building or piece of architecture I'd be: A Pyramid
Was a store I'd be: Hot Topic or Victoria's Secret :-D
Was a brand of shoe I'd be: Adidias
Was a bad habit I'd be: Interupting
Was a swear word I'd be: Fuck
Was an ice cream flavour I'd be: Choclate Brownie
Was a disease I'd be: Bipolar Mood Disorder (that's not really a "disease" but oh well...)
Was a board game I'd be: Clue
Was a feeling I'd be: Vivacious...
Was a president I'd be: Powerful
Was a war I'd be: Ashamed
Was a city I'd be: New York or Chicago
Was a colour I'd be: Black or Blue
Was a celebrity I'd be: ...famous?
Was a movie I'd be: 10 Things I Hate About You or The Wedding Singer
Was a company I'd be: Post
Was a currency I'd be: The Euro
Were a month, I'd be: July or September
Were a day of the week, I'd be: Saturday
Were a time of day, I'd be: 9:00 P.M.
Were a planet, I'd be: Venus
Were a sea animal, I'd be: Sea Otter
Were a direction, I'd be: South
Were a piece of furniture, I'd be: Coach
Were a sin, I'd be: Envy
Were a tool, I'd be: Hoe :-D ...jk
Were a flower/plant/tree, I'd be: Bleeding Heart
Were a kind of weather, I'd be: Right between Spring and Summer
Were a musical instrument, I'd be: Violin
Were a fish, I'd be: One of those werid colored ones w/ the coolie fins
Were a sound, I'd be: Music
Were an element, I'd be: Alumninum
Were a song, I'd be: "Cantacle of Mary," [Libby Larson, 1994]
Were a book, I'd be: "All American Girl," [Meg Cabbat]
Were a food, I'd be: PIZZA!
Were a taste, I'd be: Sweet
Were a word, I'd be: Gopacopalopacus
Were a body part, I'd be: Los Ojos (Eyes)
Were a facial expression, I'd be: Fucked up
Were a poem, I’d be: Something by Robert Frost
Were one of the four Hobbits, I'd be: Sam
Were a decade, I'd be: 1600's
Were a Beatle, I'd be: Jon Lennon
Were a style of music, I'd be: Techno
Were a Saint, I'd be: St. Fransis
Were a Book in the Bible: The Book of Revolation

454337 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2004-12-24
Written: (7274 days ago)

Hey Everyone! This entry is important and I will try to stay as positive as possible 

I feel good today and all I want to say is Happy Holidays (whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, or some other religious or joyful holiday at this time of year. I would also like to say Happy New Year and I hope the coming year is very peaceful and prosperous to everyone.

I know that it is like two days before the Christmas Holiday. Because I’m Catholic, I strongly believe about the Lord’s coming and about the Christmas season itself. I at least somewhat know that this time of year is about deep contemplation, gratefulness for everything we have, and forgiveness for bad things that have occurred throughout the year, and things in the past that went unforgotten. I feel there are some things that need to be said and although this will be a long-ass entry, I have been waiting a very long time to say these things. I’m sick of not saying everything to everyone I need to because with secrets, life isn’t pure and I think this world needs just a little less manipulative and secretive things….read on.

First, I would like to say everything that I am thankful for... not just this year, but my entire life. Well, since this is my journal entry, I am going to do this my own fucked up little way so it makes more sense to whoever decides to read my long-and probably worthless ramblings…

* I would like to thank all the people who contributed to who I am today from the past. People like My Mother, Sophia, Brittany N., Amber, Doug, Cory, Lisa, Sarah B., Daniel, Tasha, etc... All of you took a part of me and made it into something different. Whether you betrayed me and left me for dead or only a mere part of that, I learned something in the end and it made me [at least somewhat,] into who I am today.

Yes, most of you, if not all of you listed, brought me depression, paranoia, and probably everything else bad in this world… However, through it all, I would have been an ignorant and very naive girl without your horror in my life. I thank you for that and I will never forget that part that you contributed. Yet, this does NOT mean you are forgiven or anything along those lines. I am a VERY forgiving/understanding person and I do not see how some of you even can consider deserving forgiveness OR understanding for what you have done... Thank you very much.

* I am also very thankful for those who have contributed good parts in my life. People such as Britt, [Daniel, Tasha, Thomas, Lisa, and Cory for SOME/A LITTLE AREA of the time I knew you,] changed me and conformed me into a better person. Without you, I probably would not be where I am today. I thank you guys for helping me through so much and making me a better person. Yet, I do not thank you all the same. Those who betrayed me, your thanks still goes both ways but I don’t forgive you or understand how you sleep at night doing things like that. I do have to admit, you still made me a better person, whether I like/love you or not. I’m sorry we could not be friends (some of you,) and for some others, I’m not really sorry.

Yet, out of that entire list, I would like to thank Britty the most. She helped me through so much and whether I listened or not, she warned me of terrible things. I know now to use more common sense and confidence because of her. She lead me in a direction that I should of went a long time ago, I was just too scared to go down that path. Now that I am in a different life now, I know more and feel more than I probably ever did. I am a completely different person because of her contributions and friendship in my life. Thank you Britty and I hope we can be friends forever .

* This Christmas, I have realized SO MANY things… and one of the things I am thankful pretty much above all else is my boyfriend, Cody. I know I did not mention him before because he deserves a little category of his own. I want to thank Britty so much for “setting us up.” It changed my life and I think it will have a TREMENDOUS affect on my life in the future.

I’m thankful for all the times I was a bitch, he put up with it because he knew that’s not how I really was. I’m thankful for all the times I did something and he forgave, tried to understand, or was willing to work it out with me because he knows me more than pretty much anyone. Most of all, I’m very thankful that I have someone who cares about me and loves me for who I really am. I haven’t really had people that care about me like he does and for that, in addition to a myriad amount of reasons, I love him unconditionally and always will.

I am honestly thankful/grateful that I have someone like him. No matter what, I will always love him and wanna be with him. He is like my guardian angel that saved me from the deep, dark, and seductive world I was in. Because of him, I am a completely different person and now believe that there is actually good in this world and love really does exist. I wanna be with him forever and ever because I believe we belong together. Through all of the difficulties and horror in our lives, we found someone that actually loves us for who we are, and that never has the ability to be taken for granted.

I don’t really think anyone can fathom how much I love my boyfriend and wanna be with him. I honestly think we can triumph through anything and everything that comes in our way.

* And most of all, I am thankful for God. Without him, I probably would not be here. I mean, other people did contribute to me still living, but even when all else failed, he was still there. I know that some people believe that God is just “someone” for people to have faith in so when all else fails, everything does not go to hell. But, that’s off topic and I will probably write about that sometime next year or something lolz.

Whenever I collapsed on my floor balling my eyes out because I thought all else was gone, I still had God in my heart and he gave me the strength to carry on through suffering and despair. I still believe to this day that he is giving me more strength to be the strongest person so I can survive through heart break, death, despair, and probably all else that I will go through in the future, I can triumph and become a better person. So, Thank You

I WILL CONTINUE THIS LATER BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS A MOTHER FUCKING BITCH

451900 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2004-12-22
Written: (7276 days ago)

I stole this from someone on elfpack's description thingy... :)

LOVE
"I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for."

"True love cannot be found where it truely does not excist, nor can it be hidden where it truely does."

~Life isn't measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.~

Before I met you I never knew what it was like to look at someone and smile for no reason.~

~I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with anyone else. I'd rather stand through a storm with you than safe all by myself. I'd have it harder together than easier apart. Above all, I'd rather have you because you're the only one in my heart.~

~Love is living your own life, but sharing it. Love is forgiveness. It's making a million mistakes and turning them into learning experiences. Love is patience, optimistic and sometimes it's a kiss when there is nothing left to say.~

~Love is knowing that you can't be with someone forever, that there'll never be another person that completes you as completely, that you're perfectly imperfect together, that you'll lose a little part of yourself when you lose this person, but taking the time to love them anyway and walking away when it's over with a smile despite the tears.~

~You don't get to choose, you just fall in love. And you get this person who is all right and all wrong at the same time. And you know that you love them so much except sometimes they just drive you completely insane and no on can explain it and the reason it's so confusing is because it's love. But if love didn't have any challenges, what would be the point?~

~Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.~

~Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.~

~You know you're infatuated with someone when you say they are perfect. You know you are in love with someone once you realize they're really not perfect, rather the things you love about them are.~

~I need you. I need that guy who can make me laugh just by the way he says hello when I pick up the phone. The guy who makes my hands shake when I'm sitting next to him. And the guy who isn't afraid to keep hugging me when I'm not ready to let go yet.~

~It's incredible the way you make me smile...~

~The world is going to throw us a million reasons why this isn't going to work out between me and you. But, what the world doesn't know is that I'm armed with the one reason why it will... I love you.~

~Do not be afraid of what you feel for someone... they can't be mad at you... you cannot control your emotions, so why not just tell them what is on you mind, and how you feel? And maybe, just maybe, they will tell you back.~

~I hug you and I almost feel like that's where I belong and honestly, that's the only place I want to be.~

~Sometimes you love someone so that you have to be numb to it, because if you actually felt how much you loved them, it would kill you.~

~Love is too strong a word to say to early, but it has too beautiful a meaning to say too late.~

~A kiss is a kiss until you find the one you love, a hug is a hug until its the one you're thinking of, a dream is a dream until you make it come true, love is just a word until its proven to you.~

449106 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2004-12-19
Written: (7279 days ago)

Hey Everybody

Hey Everyone~! What's up? Not much here just chylen after my concert and typin' out a quick journal entry before I probably lay on my bed and think of what I could be doing instead of what I'm forced to conform to every day.

I think I officially found my one source of depression and all of my problems seem to stem from this one thing -My Mother. She takes or eventually takes everything I could ever want and love because she "enjoys watching me suffer," and YES, this is a DIRECT QUOTE I hope she just does society a favor and dies because she keeps everyone around her from their maximum potential due to her un-ending failure.

It just seems like everything stems out from this -the drivers license, the ability to have freedom, the friends I once had tired of putting up w/ her, the severe deprivation in social life, the ability to do what everyone else's "default" is in abilities... the list could go on forever.

I get so sick of watching everyone around me get everything they could possibly want and I have to sit here and suffer and be afraid that everything I have is going to be ripped away very soon. My life is pretty much fear and deprivation. I'm just afraid everything I love is gonna be ripped away because of her and it makes me cry.

She's taken so much away from me and doesn't give me anything I want. I'm scared to ask her anything because she'll just scream and cuss and everything else bad. I've hate her and have for years. But, my Dad is worse... if there's even such a thing.

I mean, I don't get physically abused or anything but there's three types of abuse... physical, mental, and emotional. Two of those, you really can't do anything about except suffer for eighteen long years until your free to emotionally suffer and be mentally deprived for the rest of your life.

I mean, I do try to get things on my own but what's the hope if it's gonna be taken away. I just count down from the year and a half I have to go until I turn eighteen and I can be free. She wants me to stay right in town and go to college, YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. Like I'll ever be around her again, she's just been asking me to leave for quite some time.

I'm impressed I found a way I can actually do something on new years, but you know what... I have to be left behind because it's not gonna work. Not because of my Mother, because she likes Jessica, just.. I don't wanna go on about it. This whole situation just makes me sad as hell....

440882 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2004-12-11
Written: (7287 days ago)

~THE REASON THAT I LOVE MUSIC~

Many of the people around me believe I am completely and utterly obsessed w/ music. After all, I am a "professional singer." But there's a reason why I love music and singing, and everything about it. Music is completely different from any other subject or matter... it's art that can't be expressed in any other way but a crisp sound expressing it's true meaning.

Choirs are supposed to be families, some are not as good as others and some are nasty to each other. That's just a matter of life. But music is the only thing, where nobody can change it but you. Music is more than it appears and when a person makes art of something, like a meaningful song they are releasing their sweat and hard work and blood and time and energy and every emotion they are feeling into that one note on the page to make it sound beautiful and meaningful and everything it should be.. and everything it wants to be.

Music is the only art where you can express a part of you through your voice and facial expression and tone and dynamic and all of the musical theroy hear-say. It's something amazing because no matter how you are feeling, you can express everything into any type of song. Sad energy turns into happy energy when a happy song is sung. Studies have been done and people do respond to music physically and emotionally.

But hoenstly, I love music because no matter how I am feeling, I can just sit or stand wherever I am in the world and sing a song that I absolutely love and make it whatever I want it to be. I can make it a loving and wonderful piece for everyone around me and express all of the hard work and blood and time and energy and all of the emotion I am feeling into that "eternal now," where I don't have to worry about anything and I can just love the song, and the way I feel when I am singing it.

389877 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2004-10-25
Written: (7334 days ago)

Hey,

I WARN YOU: THIS IS IN A NUTSHELL....

Well, I sort of had an epiphany last night. Unless you have known me for quite some time, you wouldn't understand why this is a good/new realization for me. I suppose it means I am moving on in a new direction because I would always be stuck in the past. It's a REALLY REALLY *X infinity* good thing because that it means I am truly underline TRULY happy.

If you know me, I'm usually only happy for a limited amount of reasons, if at all. But during my Homecoming dance, I felt something I never really felt before. It was amazing because I knew that THAT exact (place/whom I was with) was where I was supposed to be -it's where I was meant to be at that time. I wasn't supposed to be with anyone else or anywhere else.

For YEARS, I ALWAYS thought I belonged with ONE particular person. Did I "love" them? Yes. Did I go out with other people during that period, yes. I know it sounds mean, but I honestly thought I liked them [the other people I went out with,] during that time frame. I mean, I was just confused as to how I felt and didn't even know it until afterward.

Yet, I always went back to the same person -the same old feeling that what's "meant to be," is never going to happen. I was depressed, anxious, and just generally unhappy. Unhappy was not the only thing I felt at the time. I was so suicidal and even came close a few times. I was an all around bitch and now I look back, and regret every minute I wasted before....

What made it worse, was everyone else said we looked so cute together. They would constantly ask why we weren't together. They would nag and nag forEVER! It was horrible!!!! But, he just never wanted to, for reasons not known to me.

I mean, supposedly he told two people the "we woulda went out but..." speech. Yet, he denies liking me and the periods where he says he does, are simple confusions (well, to him anyway.) I mean, everyone thinks he does, (generally,) and I dunno if the whole "you two are cute thing," is ever gonna end. I mean, maybe we appear to be "fate," (or whatever the hell you wanna call it,) but now I know that this so called "fate," lies else ware for numerous reasons.

Now, I really do not give a shit whether he is in love with me or not. I wasted two/three years waiting for his ass to come around. He tells me, "I don't care if we are friends," and then calls me his Sister, the goes back to the "I don't like her mood." What the hell? I wasted all that time and I want to go back and change time so badly. I mean, I know that I am where I AM supposed to be -I'm with WHOM I'm supposed to be with and no one's going to alter that decision.

In contrast to then... I am now happy we're not together [or basically ever were together,] because I wouldn't of been here, in this state now -and here (right now,) is a VERY good thing. At the dance, I knew I was dancing with the right person. Now, it's not like I didn't have feeling with this person before -because yes, I did love this person before the dance. However, at the dance...I was positive that I'm not supposed to be with ANYONE else.

During that period of two/three years, I didn't really feel anything about anyone. It's like bloop, feeling block. (Yes, I did use bloop because I didn't know what else to put there.) It's like no matter what I did, I never liked anyone else for real, I never felt anything but "love" for real. I mean, I thought I did, but I really didn't. I liked the same person and now, I'm POSITIVE I don't like this person anymore. (I mean, I was positive before, but yeah.. you get what I mean.) After time passed, I knew I was ALWAYS going to "love" this ONE person. I was never gonna be with anyone else because I didn't feel ANYTHING for ANYONE else. Now, that feelings gone.

After I started to have this feeling (the new epiphany feeling,) I realized I just wasted almost two/three years of my life. It put me in a state that I shouldn't of been in. Why, I don't know. I'm not confused now because NOW is the only time that I am moving away from that direction and moving foreword into something amazing, something new, and most of all... something real. I also know because I'm I actually feel something now, in contrast to having no other emotion before. NOW is the only emotion I feel and it's the only emotion I wanna feel.

This feeling is just as if everything melts away and that one moment, (while the dancing occurs,) is the RIGHT moment. It feels like I am sheltered from everything horrible and wrong because there is nothing like that around me (which I know there is, but it feels as if there's not at that particular moment.) I feel as if the only thing I need to do is just dance with that ONE person. At that moment, the dancing was like me showing how I feel about this person and how I feel like ...myself.

The best symbol I can give you (and yes, it does sound corny,) is like a bubble. Like I'm standing in the middle of a room where horrible things are placed, deceiving thoughts and words try to haunt me, and most of all... they are trying to destroy the bubble. Now, this bubble is a thin layer wrapped around me protecting me from everything in this room. The feeling is the bubble. But the bubble is popped if the feeling isn't true for the reasons and guidelines that I BELIEVE it is true for (I know that's confusing but PLAY ALONG! lolz.)

At that time, and as the feeling begins to grow more prominently, I feel truly happy, no matter what happens. I know the source of this feeling feels somewhat the same about me also. Yet, it's just like I'm ecstatic and NO MATTER WHAT, this feeling will ALWAYS make me so excited (not like horny excited,) because I know it's the feeling I want to have and am supposed to have with this person.

JUST OMG lolz... there's really nothing in English to describe it more than that. Although, there is LOADS more lolz :)

Love always,
~Angel

389873 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2004-10-25
Written: (7334 days ago)

Hey,

I am going to kinda so a switch order here. I don't really wanna write anymore but I'll write a BIT about this.

The friend I have had for over three years, *Daniel,* said the "I don't care if we are friends anymore," type of thing. Then, he ignores me. He's being a freakin idiot b-cuz of the reasoning *or supposive reasoning,* and all this. Pisses me off that we can't even be FRIENDS... but you know what... FUCK IT! If he doesn't wanna be friends, we don't have to be.

By the way, IF AND ONLY IF anyone tore us apart *as friends,* which I'm thinking that was a factor, I hope they burn in hell and then come back to life and then burn in hell again because they sure do deserve it. MOTHER FUCKERS. Not that they care what I SAY, but I'm SURE what's about to come to them is gonna make them regret lifting a finger (and yea, that should scare you whoever you are...)

THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH ONLY APPLIES IF SOMEONE TRIED TO TARE US APART~

~Angel

388102 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2004-10-23
Written: (7336 days ago)

Hey Everybody!

Now, I am not the preppy type but dances and especially PROM are very VERY important to me for many reasons. There's just certain emotions you feel at a dance or PROM that you can't really feel anywhere else. That's why they are so important to me. It's like at a dance, everything is different because nothing matters, just that one night where everything is planned and all you worry about is having fun.

For my entire life, I won't doubt it, I have been treated like a freak. It doesn't really matter whether I am a freak or not, it's just.. I've been treated like one. Most people treat me like shit, use me, abuse me, and just throw me around until their done and wanna move on to the next person. At first, I supposed it was because I was gullible and just retarded. Now, it's more like I'm just easy like that. Thanks world.. makes me wanna kill myself every day when people do that. But I suppose MOST people just don't give a fucking shit.

Yet, at dances I don't have to be treated like a freak, I can be treated like a person and I look foreward to them every day because it's the ONE night in a very long time where I am considered the exact same as everyone else. At the last homecoming I was at, I felt great because all my friends were there in the same place with me just having fun. I didn't have to worry about what others thought because everyone else was just like me, having fun.

Now, if someone fucks up those plans, I get super pist.. because it's so important to me. GOD DAMMIT! I mean, ERRRRR I get so depressed because I have nothing to look foreward to anymore (at least for a long while.) I mean, these are so important to me that if someone screws it up, I feel they they are treating me as if I'm unimportant... whether I'm important to them or not. I mean, they could love me to death and I would still feel like that because they took what I felt was really important and pushed it aside as if it were nothing.

I mean, I'm not saying anyone did this or they are at fault, because those are semi-false to completely false. I'm just saying that's how I feel when things like this get screwed over for me. I mean, seriously, if my homecoming night got seriously screwed up, I wouldn't even go. I'd sit in my room, cry, then do more homework and try to benefit society to be treated like a person.

Am I saying that all people treat me like shit? HELL NO! Everyone has friends and people they love. I know there are people that care about me a lot. Am I saying they don't matter or count? NO! That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm just saying a lot of society in general treats me that way and it makes me feel like shit because they don't even know me. Just... I don't think anyone could really understand so I'm gonna shut up.

~Angel

375439 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2004-10-09
Written: (7349 days ago)

DATE   TIME   PLACE      ENSEMBLE
10-1-04 6:30 p.m. Fed. Ctr. Blrm. Octavio
10-16-04 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    Am/Viv (w/BCB)
10-22-04 7:30 p.m. Allendale, MI  Vivace (w/BCB)
10-29-04 7:30 p.m. Eaton Rapids, MI Vivace & Octavio
11-10-04 5:45 p.m. Heritage Dome  Octavio
12-1-04 7:00 p.m. Schuler's Rest. Amabile
12-2-04 7:00 p.m. Westlake Pres. Octavio
12-3-04 7:30 p.m. Tecumseh, MI   Vivace & Octavio
12-8-04 7:00 p.m. Schuler's Rest. Vivace
12-18-04 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC
12-19-04 3:00 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC
4-23-05 7:30 p.m. 1st Pres.    All BCGC
5-7-05 7:30 p.m. KCC Binda    Amabile & Vivace
5-8-05 3:00 p.m. KCC Binda    Amabile & Vivace

These are the dates and times of my concert. If you know which group I am in, then you know exactly what concerts I am in..

~Angel

369090 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2004-10-02
Written: (7357 days ago)

Hey,

My life has pretty much been turned upside down at this point. The reason I am not making any entries is because I don't know what the fuck is going on and I am finding out so much about EVERYTHING that I didn't know before.

Things are happening to me that I never imagined possible. I wish I was someone else. It's not that I don't want some things within my life but others, I would do anything to live without. It's a long story... I'll make a noval when I finish

~Angel

365602 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2004-09-28
Written: (7360 days ago)

Hey Everybody!

So much has been going on right now. Last night, I thought I finally lost everything! I thought that sooner or later, I would kill myself. I was almost positive that last night would be the night. I can't possibily put into words everything thats happened.

All I can say is thank you to someone who forgave me for unforgivable acts. I love this person very much and last night, I made a lot of realizations. If I wouldn't of talked to this "person," I would of probably been in bed all day, or crying, or maybe even dead. Thank you so much for how you've changed my life... not only last night, but every night since the first day I met you.

I can promise you that I will always be there, always believe in you, and most of all always have faith in you. Nothing is ever going to change that.. no matter what happens. I hope we can be together for a very long time. I will always be there to support you in whatever you wanna do and I know what I'm saying is true.

I know I have commited acts that are unforgivable. You were more of a person than I ever will be...because you offered me forgiveness. I will forever be thankful that you were there to listen to me and talk things through. There's so much to describe how I feel right now, but I get the feeling that everything is gonna be all right. Through Heaven and hell, everything will be all right. :)

~Angel

363720 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2004-09-27
Written: (7362 days ago)

Dear ________,

(For *winkers* reasons, I have to keep the keeper of this anonomous.)

   Have you ever been around people that say things are just fate? Things such as the sky and the stars.... things that were made for each other and will always be together for all of eternity? Such a big promise, but something that someone is willing to sacrifice for anything in this world. The one true thing they want the most. The thing they are willing to give anything for.... even their life.

   For most of my life, I thought that ugliness, hatred, and lonliness was meant for me. I was so low at some points, that lower points were made below ground. For quite some time, I wanted to kill myself. LoLa... how fun. However, two people changed my life forever.

   Now... things are so different, it's not even funny. I am beginning to believe that I am not just a worthless piece of crap. I am starting to believe that I am a person too, not someone who deserves nothing. I mean, I am not being selfish. I am believing that I am an equal person.

   These people guided me through trouble and have been there pretty much my entire life. For that, I will be eternally greatful and I will love them for the rest of my life. Nothing can separate me from these two people... not pain nor death. I will always be with them and help them through anything. I am willing to sacrifice my everything for their welfare. They changed my life and I will be friends with them forever.

   Through anything in life, I want them to be happy above anything else. I will always care about them even if we are fighting. I will always believe in them and have faith in them, no doubt. There is absolutely NO doubt in my mind these people will be sucess.

   One of these "friends," is a guy. The other is a girl. This guy "friend" I have is one that I care about deeply *winkers.* The girl, I have been friends with since I was like negative born lol. These people have changed my life and I will always be thankful that I have them with me.

   One (at least I believe so,) will separate from us next year or thereafter. Although I don't want her to leave, I want her to know that she should do whatever her heart desisres. I want her to be happy and if that means leaving, I support her in whatever she wants to do. If she does not follow her heart, she will not live a happy live. With that said, she's my Sissy forever and I love her :).

   The other "friend," is someone that I will always care about through thick and thin. I will always be there for him and have faith in him. I will always love him throughout my life. Perhaps not like couple love, but care about love. It's something that will never leave me. I can't stay mad at him forever because I know that we are meant to be friends (or something more,) for the rest of our lives. I would do anything for him and I trust him more than pretty much anyone. I love you Daniel :)

   Every day, I thank God that he gave them to me. We are like Brothers and Sisters... meant to be together through Hell, Heaven, Death, and life. Everything that happens, happens with us together. We have never faught about anything or stopped speaking to each other. It's pure fate that we met each other and pure fate that we will be together forever.

The logged in version