ET: Member blog

[.x. Living Nightmare .x.]'s diary

515104 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-03-07
Written: (7201 days ago)

Hey,

I just wanted to let you guys know that I haven't been writing because I completely broke down tonight...I've been pretending to be somewhat happy and I'm not.. and things have been done that shouldn't have.. and guilt haunts me from months and years ago of horrible things I've done.

Things I've done even as recently as September still haunt me, I mean I know life goes on, but just the image turns my stomach and I start to tear. I just wish those I've hurt know I'm turning a new leaf. I'm far more relaxed with myself than I was even a month ago.. or two.

I've come to realize that it doesn't matter how much you love, or want, or flat out desire beyond all else. The amount of emotion, or the presence doesn't matter what-so-ever if certain things don't occur. Just grr.. it makes me sick to the stomach. I mean, everything a person wants, they shouldn't recieve because that makes them emotionally and mentally weak.

Sometimes, I just wish people could read my mind without me having to tell them what I want. Some people should already know exactly what I want down to the very last detail... I'm the type of person where you can read what I want all over my face, I'm horrible at lying etc.

It just hurts me so much to know that it doesn't matter how much it haunts me or how much an emotion overpowers me or anyone else for that matter.. if it's impossible to pursue. Arg.. most of you would have NO idea what I'm talking about.

So.. I guess I will stop rambling about important nothings and go learn my oral exam and eight words in Español for tomorrow's examens...

508517 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2005-02-28
Written: (7208 days ago)

Hey,

Just a little something I wrote in my journal...

It was early in the summer. School was about to get out and as I was looking out the window, I realized that everything in this world is so beautiful. The sun was shinning through the thin white clouds, the trees were growing-green, and the fresh grass smell was coming through the window.

But, that is not what consumed my mind. For there were other important and difficult things within my life. I had a math book in front of me while I was sitting at a cramped desk in a boiling room with 24 other bodies. But, all I could think about was her, Anita. She was only the length of two desks in front of me and one desk to the right. Such a small distance for someone that was so complex, someone in which I had so much to say, and most of all someone I loved so much.

Anita was perfect, she had flowing brown hair, seductive blue eyes, and a light-tan complection that was to die for. She was the most beautiful creature on the face of the earth and anyone who knew her, was incrediebly blessed just for having her in their life. She was intelligent, caring, generous and most of all... selfless. She wasn't like some prep or freak, she was an Angel. But her mind, was clouded. I would have done anything to help her, but I knew in my heart, her happiness was worth more than anything I could give her.

I loved Anita for a very long time and I will always love her. I knew anyone that could have her would be the luckiest man on the face of the earth. I would have treated her like a queen and never betrayed her, because I would have felt so blessed to have someone like Anita in my life. One of the things I loved most about her was that she was so strong. She had been through so much, and yet cared and loved and acted like nothing ever happened and that she had never been hurt. She could face the world and rip it to shreds.

Sometimes I wish I was selfish in my decision and that she would at least know how much pain and sorrow and despair I have gone through, or that I could be her knight on a white horse for all time. But the truth is, I don't want her to feel sorry for me. I don't want her to reject me and make what we have impossible to maintain. I will always love Anita until the day I die, and I swear with the Virgin Mary as my witness, David is the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

A long time ago, David broke up with Anita because he wasn't ready for commitment anymore. He was scared that he found the wrong person to spend the rest of his life with, and so he left Anita without so much as a phone call. He tore her to shreds and made her suffer in agony for so long..

She would tell me that her heart was torn apart, and that she's the one that did wrong. She wanted to be back with David because she loved him so much and wished that he would call her with the words of comfort that she was loved so very much and that he would take her in his arms to be with him forever. Unfortunately, those words were hard to come by.

I personally did not like David. I thought he allowed Anita to get in way too deep and then let her off the hook. He ALLOWED her to fall in love with him and say that he would love her forever. And he told her everything would be all right and there was nothing in this world that they could not face together. He ALLOWED her to have sex, in which she lost her virginity because she thought he loved her. She was never able to get that back, and that's one of the things she felt so bad about.

Anita felt so bad about a lot of things. She did everything in her power to make him happy, so they could be together in peace and harmony. I watched the entire time, with my tongue tied, knowing that she was happy. I was there for her in her troubles and I knew that being there, was one of the best things of all. It hurt so much to see her hurt and I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her that I loved her and everything would be okay. I was her shoulder to cry on when she was crying so hard, she couldn't stand any longer.

I was so mad at David for not realizing what a blessing he had before. I understood why he broke up with her, but I failed to understand that when he said those things, that I would have said without hesitation, he didn't sick by the meaning of it and work through the hard times, so they could be together.

I'm not saying I'm a saint, or some other Godly creature. I was just a friend when another was in need, and I hope if that what makes Anita happy, that's all I ever want to be. I don't want to be the husband, or the boyfriend, or the friend with benefits, no matter how much I want to be for me. I want to happen what she wants because she's more important than me, and I would protect anything and everything that pertained to her.

I remember one day last year, Anita was at the breaking point, she felt so bad about what happened, she tried to take her own life. I was watching her and it hurt me so much. I comforted her and told her everything would be okay, like I had on so many other occasions. But, this time, she asked me to do something.. something I didn't want to do. All I wanted was to look into her graceful eyes and tell her how much I loved her and would protect her. But she asked me to talk to David, and see what's actually going on.

I couldn't take it any longer, I was so angry that David would treat her that way, I was angry that Anita felt that way, and most of all.. I was angry at myself. I was happy with my decision, but I was angry that I didn't do something for myself once and just tell her how I felt. Oh, I look back at that moment sometimes and wish I just would have called her on the phone and said, Anita.. I love you so much and tell her my story.

Instead, I drove to Davids house and politely knocked on the door. I went to his room and sat in his bean bag chair and placed it in front of the door. I simply started with, ["David, we've been going friends for years and there's a few things I would like to say. I'm not going to let you leave until I get to finish because frankly, your being a cocky son of a bitch and if you don't straighten up your act, you gonna hurt so many that truly don't deserve it."]

At this point, he started to get extremely angry with my and even stood. But then he replied, ["Look, we have been good friends for a long time, and I might as well hear what you have to say. But don't ever call me a cocky son of a bitch again or I'll kill you."]

I was someone fearful of that comment because David was so much bigger than I. I found strength within me from Anita and stood up, and started saying what needed to be said for so long... ["As your friend, I'm seeing you make a horrible decision that could ruin your life...and frankly, I'm fearful that your going to look back and see how much of a god-damn moron you were and you won't know what the fuck to do until the day you die. Again, if you want me to be perfectly honest, I have a confession to make."]

I was so scared to say this in front of David because I knew he would rip into me, but again.. it needed to be said more than anything else ever did between us, ["I've loved Anita for years. And I would do anything to be with her. I think anyone in this world that's with her is the luckiest guy on the face of the Earth. She's so beautiful and kind and everything else good in a person...and she loves you man. She loves you TO DEATH. She would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for you without hesitation."]

I started to shake, but I went on, ["Your being a fucking idiot. Your the luckiest guy on the face of the PLANET. Out of six billion other men, your IT. If I was you, I would call her up right now and tell her how much you love her, even if there is life issues getting in the way. She feels like you used her and threw her in the trash. I don't think she deserves that what-so-ever. She's one of the few girls that actually any good anymore. You don't come across one of them every day.. as a matter of fact, a girl like that is RARE. And I don't understand why you would be such an ass to throw that all AWAY."]

I almost started to shed tears as I went on...["Please don't tell Anita how I feel about her. But I beg of you to just call her and tell her how much you care about her. Your wasting your time and energy on other girls that are completely flawed. Please, she feels like you tore her heart out and she loves YOU. She doesn't love ANYONE ELSE. I don't understand why you did that. But you have a chance to fix this and win her back. She's waiting for you to call."]

I handed him the telephone, knowing that I was trashing my life with Anita for her happiness, ["Please David, just make that one phone call, dial those seven numbers because I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes that you love her and regret letting her go. Please, just call her.."]

And he took the phone, called Anita, and they lived happily ever after.

499079 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2005-02-18
Written: (7218 days ago)

Hey, I was thinking in the car as usual lolz.. as this is what I came up with. I don't mean to talk about anything private that people won't want me to talk about... but I need to write this down lolz.

I Can Guarantee

Despite so much,
I have so many guarantees.
That I mean full-heartidly.
And that I will never take back.
I can guarantee that despite everything,
There will be difficult times.
And I can also tell you, there will be times of paradise.
But I pray to the Lord above,
That we will triumph through the hard times,
And live in paradise forever.
I can guarantee that we will argue.
But I also guarantee we will agree.
But when those times come,
I tell you, we will talk and work things out.
I know at one point or another,
We will want to leave,
But I know that those times,
Are just temporary.
I can completely guarantee,
That I will always have faith.
And that if it ever faulters,
I will find myself triuphing through.
I will always believe,
No matter what happens.
One thing I [can not] guarentee,
Is forever because it simply is impossible.
But I will always be completely devoted.
[But.. right now, if I don't ask you to be mine,
I can guarantee that I will regret it for the rest of my life.]

490204 Link to this entry
Written about Tuesday 2005-02-08
Written: (7228 days ago)

Hey,

Not that anyone really cares, but lately.. I've been fluctuating a lot mentall and emotionally. Sometimes I'm completely happy, and others... A murderer would be doing a favor to pick me for his next victim. I don't understand life and at this pace, I don't know if I ever will.

[The Fact Is.. I'm LIVING WITHOUT LIVING]

It seems hard to understand, but to some of you, it will make perfect sense :)

Through Rainy Days,
And Cold Winter Nights,
I Am Completely Trapped,
In A Lifeless Life.

My Mind Is Clouded,
And My Emotions Are Decieving.
And I Wish I could Escape,
And Find Some True Meaning.

The Meaning Of LIFE,
The Meaning To Be Happy,
In A Perfect World
That To Me, Is Completely Undeserving.

I'm So Unhappy With Myself,
For What I've Done,
Sometimes I Wish I Could Have,
Went Back, Triumphed, And Won.

I Have Done So Much,
That I Cannot Repair.
But I Pray For Forgiveness,
Of The Lives I've Teared.

I Hope Someday,
That I Will Have A Second Chance,
For That's All I Ask For,
I Simply Ask, To Dance.

I Know I'm Not Perfect,
And I know I Possess Weakness,
But All I Wish For,
Is A Day Of Bliss.

Despite The Twists And Turns,
I Promise To Always Be Loyal,
And I Can Guarentee That,
As Growth is Guarenteed In Rich Soil.

And I Full-Heatidly Promise,
That When I Look Into Your Eyes,
I Will Honestly Be Thankful,
Through Every Day Of My Life.

I Ask God To Please Help Me,
I'm Begging On My Knees,
I Want To Compromise,
My Evil And Worthless Deads.

I Pondered On So Many Things,
That Were Completely Not Worth It,
But Now, I Possess An Inner Strength,
Full Of Intellect And Wit.

I've Changed So Much Within,
Just Thinking About Myself,
And Realizing My Faults,
And Why I Possessed Stealth.

**IT NEEDS WORK LOLZ**

488437 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-02-05
Written: (7230 days ago)

Hey,

I've been thinking a lot these days about some particular things, some I can't even bear to write down or say.. they always lead me to the very same conclusions about everything in my life.

..Death just isn't simple enough is it? A lot of people kill themselves, but it's the only easy way out in which everyone else, but the person suffers. Even the most idiotic mother fucker on this Earth would feel guilty if one was to die because of their actions. And if they don't feel guilty, then they should be tormented and killed.

It's just.. there's a difference between what should happen and what has to happen. Sometimes, people have to suffer because they want something so badly, but what has to happen is the complete opposite. This seems to happen to be a lot, but it doesn't really matter because I would always choose what has to happen. But when it really hits a homerun, I want to happen what I want to happen, not what has to be done. What has to be done is too hard for me to handle. I'm not exactly sure if that's just a lack of faith in myself, or I really couldn't physically handle it. Either way, I'm in something much to deep.

Those two songs before, were way too true. I'm not looking for pitty, I'm looking for SOMETHING to go right.. for once and not turn into hell sometime later. I've failed and ruined way too much to have any type of faith in myself. Some people actually do care about me, and I do admit, I take that for granted sometimes. But, if I didn't have those people in my life, I would probably buy some depression pills and kill myself in a heatbeat.

To love.. isn't good enough. To be a good friend.. isn't good enough.. in the end, people don't give a flying fuck and your left alone thinking you can't do it and your not good enough. Truth is, I probably don't deserve anything in this life.. not one single thing that can make me happy.

I'm sorry for all those I have betrayed, or lied to, or left for something more appealing. I pray every single day for all the people I have ever done anything too... I pray that they forgive me. I don't even know myself anymore.. sometimes I think I just want forgiveness so when I think about it, I don't ball out of guilt or ruin something special like always. But sometimes, I honestly want to get my life on track.

Some people, don't accept change. For the most part, I do. But when some people change, others refuse to accept, leaving the person trying to better themselves in a very awkward and somehow impossible position.

I gotta go

488409 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-02-05
Written: (7230 days ago)

This is true and yet very untrue at the same time.. funny how things can be like that, huh? If it were my choice, I would bold and italicise this to anyone who's going through a situation like this...

SOUL DECISION - Stay Lyrics
Stay, forever, forever.

I'm not that kind of guy who believes in wishful thinking,
I do not believe putting that much on the line.
Ever since you came, and took my heart away,
I knew everything would work out fine.

I'm not the kind of guy, that thinks that I should I should own you.
I don't think that how love was meant to be.
Now that I've got you, I don't ever want you to leave me baby.
So I'm asking to you, to just promise me you'll stay.

[Chorus:]
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll

I'm not that kind of guy who goes into things so quickly,
I like to play the game nice and slow.
Ever since you came, you knocked me off my feet.
I knew that I could never let you go.

I'm not the kind of guy, who believes that love's a notion.
I think what is meant to be should be.
If you should ever leave, I'll be lost without you.
So i'm asking to make a little promise to me,

(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll

I'm not the kind of guy, that thinks that I should I should own
you.
I don't think that how love was meant to be.
Now that i've got you, I don't ever want you to leave me baby.
So I'm asking to you, to just promise me you'll stay.

(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll

(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll

(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
How can i love you if it's just for one day?
(Stay) Stay with me forever, forever, baby.
Cause I can love if you just promise me, you'll stay

488408 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-02-05
Written: (7230 days ago)

[Simple Plan]

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you’re bleeding

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy
But I’m not gonna be ok!

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don’t know what it’s like
What it’s like!

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

Welcome to my life

487122 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2005-02-04
Written: (7232 days ago)

My inner dragon is...

[mist dragon#99]

In the war between good and evil, a Mist Dragon tends to walk the fine line of Neutrality.
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon walks a fine line between Law and Chaos.
As far as magical tendancies, Your inner dragon has the ability to conquer the world of magic, but it will not be easy.
During combat situations, a true Mist Dragon prefers to defeat opponents by the use of spells and other tactics.

[Dragon Description:]
The Mist Dragon is a highly magical being. It makes it's home in moist areas, but seems to have the ability to appear in any fog or mist in any climate. It is unclear as to whether these dragons follow mist, or mist follows these dragons.

The Mist Dragon is a grayish blue in color, and floats freely in air as though it were mist itself. The Mist Dragon never leaves tracks or traces of it's passing. These dragons move very gracefully and swiftly through their element.

Mist Dragons are very free in nature and seem to be very unpredictable personalities. They are outspoken, and often are harbingers of great changes or happenings.

487115 Link to this entry
Written about Thursday 2005-02-03
Written: (7232 days ago)

Hey,

There are some very headached thoughts that are running through my head constantly. I mean, the actual application somewhat applies to me, but I don't really know how to explain it. I mean, it also somewhat doesn't apply, but I'll leave that to your discresion.

For the last few years, the whole idea of being in love, loving the idea of love, and what love is has run through my head many times and I still haven't drawn an actual conclusion. The only real thing I have come up with is that the ACTAUL FEELING of love cannot be described in any language, whether it's human or not. When I usually read other people's views on love, it's something like "It's the feeling where..." or "This happens when..." or even something like "I love him/her because..." All three of these, or probably any description used, only describes what relates to love, rather than the actual feeling itself. That's just my thought about the genre but anywayz...

Lately, I've been thinking about the actual levels of someone falling in love. I figured, there are two general levels in a relationship. Once the first level is obtained, love is present. But once the second level is obtained, a mature and pure love is present. There is a huge difference between the two...

When people typically think of love, they just relate things to love. I do that too because there is no way I can actually describe general love.. everyone feels differently about love.. or some nothing at all until they have obtained it.

In love, (or at least in my opinion of love,) there's a maturity level to it. FOR EXAMPLE: When an obstacle (or two,) approaches... there's a decision to be made. Do they diverge their ways? Does one decide to end the relationship because of the suffering and depression of the other due to the obstacle? Or.. Does the person/people end the relationship because they just feel it's too much of a pain in the ass.

The first two demonstrate love, but one is higher than the other. For the person to do something so painful and dramatic because of the other's well-fare, is one of the ultimate sacrifices. I personally would like to give a standing ovation to anyone who has done that.. they are selfless people and the world will realize how good you are at heart. The other is also love (diverging ways..) but for different reasoning. It simply shows that they do love them, but not enough to go through obstacles.. which isn't pure and mature love in the first place.

I mean, I know opinions differ and I'm probably somewhat wrong about this genre, but I'm giving it a shot and maybe if somebody actually reads this, they can give me the heads up or possibly realize something they didn't know before. I'm not trying to preach or even change opinions. I just wanted to write about this to get a perspective on life and perhaps mature somewhat in the genre.

There's just.. it's a complex issue. Love is the happiest feeling in the world, but it doesn't always make you happy. It's extremely ironic and some people say "to the hell with love," until they finally find the love of their lives. Some people are not lucky enough to find their soulmate, but they still love anyway. What's the deal with this feeling? It mixes everyone up to an extent where they have to reach out and somehow "realize," what they actually want. Then, when they get confused again, the whole process repeats.

[A girl I know very well wrote this...

"Loving him gives me something to triumph along side me when times get hard. The feeling of loving someone so perfect is like nothing is wrong in this world, even in the greatest times of despair. Most of all, loving him is like breathing. I feel the air circulate through my body and it energizes me to live. It's there no matter what, walking with me through every step of my life, making me feel like the most special person in the world, even through I'm unknown to most of it."

"I only wish that I could return the feeling that never leaves me, I only wish I would love fully like I've never been hurt, give everything like nothing has been stolen, and live life as if there's no tomorrow. I wish I could return everything he's given me because it haunts me day and night, helping me wherever I need to go within my life, and helps me help others."

"I never want the feeling to leave, I would be willing to go through anything and sacrifice anything without hesitation. It just seems like nothing else matters and my whole world melts into one perfect feeling that cannot be broken... the feeling of love."]

I don't really want to talk about my emotional involvement with Cody. That's really no ones buisness and it's more private than probably a lot of stuff I keep inside. I'm not in any way ashamed of loving Cody, but if you knew me, you would understand.

With all the love I have,
~Angel

486334 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2005-02-02
Written: (7233 days ago)

Hey, just a lil song to say how I've been feelin' since last night...when I found out the supposive truth...

Took me a while
But I'm finally here
I just wanna testify
Make it crystal clear
See I've been picked out
To be picked on
Talked about out my friends mouths
I've been beat down
Til he turned my life around
Turn my life around

Seems like I always fall short
Of bein worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough
But He still loves me

I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shining on me
Cuz I ain't good enough
But He still loves me
I used to wake up somedays
And wish I'd stayed asleep
Cuz I went to bed on top of the world
Today the world's on top of me
Everybody's got opinions
They ain't been in my position
That it breaks my heart
When I hear what they have to say about me

[Seems like I always fall short
Of bein worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough
But He still loves me
I ain't no superstar
I wanna be for you
The spotlight ain't shining on me
Cuz I aint good enough
but He still loves me]

[I'm not perfect]
(I'm not perfect)
[Yes I do wrong]
(yes I do wrong)
[I'm trying my best]
(trying my best but)
[But it aint good enough]
(just aint good enough)
[Shunned by the world
If I don't succeed
Cuz I aint good enough]
But he still loves me
(I just aint good enough)

If you ain't worthy just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed
To be loved

Stand for him or fall for anything
Cuz through his eyes we all look the same
What will we do
Without out pain

Seems like I always fall short
Of bein worthy
Cuz I ain't good enough
But He still loves me

I ain't no superstar
(I ain't no superstar but I wanna be for you Lord)
The spotlight ain't shining on me
Cuz I aint good enough
But You still love me

I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm trying my best but
(tryin my best)
It aint good enough
(I'm not good enough)
Shunned be the word
(shunned by the world)
If i dont succeed
(i dont succeed-ceed-ceed)
Cuz I aint good enough
But He still loves me
(child sing with me)
I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm trying my best but
It aint good enough
(But the Lord's been so good to me)
Shunned be the word
(Shunned by the world)
If i don't succeed
Cuz I ain't good enough
(I ain't good enough)
But He still loves me
(The Lord still loves me)

No I ain't good enough
But He still loves me
(Raise your hands if you understand)
No I ain't good enough
(How He blessed you cuz He blessed you too)
but He still loves me
(even though I aint worthy)
No I aint good enough
(you aint worthy, He is there for you)
but He still loves me
(no matter what I do)
No I ain't good enough
(I ain't good enough)
but He still loves me
the Lord still loves me

http://beyonce.lyrics-songs.com/lyrics/78496/

477994 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-01-22
Written: (7245 days ago)

Hey Everybody

Excuse my horrible grammer and mechanic errors, I happen to be in a bad mood right now... no, I'm not in a bad mood all the time but I just sorta vent when I write and it makes it hard to write every time I'm in a good mood.

In the car, on the way home, I just sorta realized something that I've actually been thinking for quite a while, "What's the point of life?" Some may say it is to be happy and live dreams -and how many people actually live this life? I would say close to none.

In general, I love life, it's basically a lot of aspects of life I hate -I hate my past -the restraits -where I am placed in society -my ability ..the list could go on and on. Now, I am NOT saying there is no positive aspects in my life, as a matter of fact, there are lots. But, what's the point of life if basically no one can live their dream and be truly happy?

I am NOT trying to tear down anyone's dreams, but it's extremely hard to suffer and despair so much in so little time, and expect the outcome to be good. Maybe I am just being pessimistic, but at this point in time, that's just the way I feel. There are no magic wands in life, nothing can just magically change to make everything better forever.

People strive through social difficulties and so much more in school, and then after they reach graduation, the point where they believe their lives will turn around, everything goes to hell when one is in debt for college and must work at Mikey D's to make somewhat a living. One must strive to make ends meat in this society and although money does not make yo happy, without it, you would be homeless sleeping in a cardboard box..during the wintertime.

Once life reaches so bad, one cannot turn back. People change and deal with experience differently. This determines what a person is, but when one's personality changes because of horrific events, it typically gives them pessismistic traits. Once the horrific events continue, they begin to soar higher than ever because now that your a different person, everything changes around you... you loose things you once loved, your emotions change, and most of all, your view on yourself has changed.

I admit it, I have never believed in myself through pretty much anything. Every time I try to exceed, I fail and it turns out worse than before, even if I know I can do it. I believe in some cases, someone needs to lead me and when there's no one there, I'm left helpless and everyone has the impersionation that I SUCK (yes, that was directed towards someone.) I don't exceed because I don't believe, it's something in life you must aquire and even then, what's the point? Someone will probably screw it up for you anyway.

Have you ever noticed that JUST WHEN things get good, they turn bad again? It's impossible to have a fully good life forever, after all, if everyone's life was perfect, then you would know exactly how things would go and it would be completely pointless to live. But when things happen to the point where it changes you so much, you have to start new, things are just getting to far. Then, you have to reach a point where even starting new isn't good enough.

Have you ever noticed that in a lot of cases, nothing is really good enough. Once you have what you originally wanted, you want more? I guess it's just the never-ending desire for perfection that we can never obtain as humans. Maybe.. I'm just rambling... and maybe, I'm trying to send a true message to the world. Who knows?

My random ramblings have turned into nothing.. but I will write a second entry as to why I wrote this entry lolz

~Angel

477991 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-01-22
Written: (7245 days ago)

Hey Everybody

On the way home, I just reaized two things and I will separate them into two separate entries because it's my fucking journal and I can do that! Lolz..

Basically, tonight was hell. I blew my voice test (Varsity,) I blew my Octavio audition (BCGC,) and now I'm faced as to whether I should quit or not (Both.) The fact is, I'm nothing without someone holding my hand and leading me, it's just the way things are.

I don't believe in myself (vocally,) I get nervous and completely suck like usual. And those who say I'm good, are just trying to make me feel better because they know music is one of the only things I COULD be good at. If I believed a little bit, maybe I would be like those singers I always wanted to be.

You may ask who I wanted to be ...eh? Whenever someone asked me that question I never replied Brittany Spears or Avril or even Jessica Simpson. I would always reply with, Jessica, Chelsea, Julie, Rochelle, Laura, Staci, Sara... all people that were either in my section or I just thought were really good (they sing in choir with me.) Those were the people that held my hand and leaded me to the other side of the rainbow. Every single one of those people (that were in my section,) are gone accept Laura. She just got promoted and I don't blend too well with her. Nay, she's a VERY good singer though.

I just get the feeling that without them, I am absolutely nothing... just a worthless off-pitch/tone first alto. When I was with Jessica, all was good because she was amazing and helped me through anything I had trouble with. She always reassured me that everything was okay when we were singing our parts because if I was having trouble, all it would take was a light tap from her to fix it. Since the day I met her, four years ago on September 9th, I wanted to be like her.

Just this year, I got to sit by her. But she quit mid-year. Yes, I did cry a few times because we were good friends, and now, I feel totally helpless because I don't have her anymore next to me.. guiding me through all the *close-to-impossible* music we do. She expanded my technique dramatically and I was so sad when she left.

Now, I absolutely suck without her. I don't have someone to help me because I don't believe that I can have the voice that I did with her. I don't believe unless I imagine her singing it with me, then of course, I overpower pretty much everyone because it's like she's coming out through my vocal cords (yeah, I know this sounds fucking werid..)

I just feel completely helpless and I don't know what to do. Telling me to believe in myself doesn't really help because there's a part of me that KNOWS I'm never gonna be as good as Chelsea or Jessica. Even some of those people, along with Lisa, etc. have said I was bad. Most of those people haven't heard me in two or more years. They don't know what I sound like now, but maybe I am just trying to justify the truth...

~Angel

466273 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2005-01-08
Written: (7259 days ago)

Hey Everybody

When I used to write entries on Opendiary, Livejournal, or any of those other websites where I tried to keep my secrets from the world because of fear, despair, and many other things, I learned a very valuable lesson. I would sometimes relate topics that were totally understandable to complex ones that it seems like only the highly intellectual or intelligent could understand.

Well, I don't categorize myself into either one of those categories, but I at least have a somewhat understanding of what the world is like and why humans behave like they do, (or at least I would like to think so...) If you've read either one of my journals, (or the ones that I wrote years ago and don't remember,) you will probably see that I was a stupid little girl back then. I have grown so much from experience and I figure that with more experiences, I will learn more and become a stronger person.

I don't really want to get into faith/religious topics, abortion, gay marriage, and those types of controversial issues, but it's werid how the world works and what's classified as "good" and "evil" because they may actually be one merged thing and everyone just may need to realize that.. okay, I am rambling.. on to the next topic.

Anyway, I watched "White Chicks," a few days ago and I learned a lot about some **girl/boy** issues I had been having over the last few years. I was wrong in stereotyping guys who were not manwhores, immature, worthless, etc. into one or all of those categories. I was at a point where I thought all men were out to get women and at this point, (and even a little before,) I was proven wrong by some fantastic guys. I don't see why girls don't realize them.. but perhaps they will one day.

I truly don't understand why guys have to put up with us bitchy girls (sometimes.) I know for a fact I go through my "bitchy" mode and although girls don't like to admit it, they do too. I would like to personally thank from all the "nice girls," guys who put up with us drunk, at parties, help us through boy problems, our bitchy periods or other times of the month, our ramblings over nothing that they help us disect for three hours, going shopping with us, etc. without even expecting a thank you or anything in return. You have to admit that when you really think about it ladies, guys put up a lot w/ us and our thanks goes to you.

I am NOT saying however the following:
*Guys deserve all the praise
*Girls never give thanks..etc.
*All girls treat guys with the decent respect
*All guys treat girls with the decent respect
*Other things that fit into the three above categories.

Personally, I am SICK of guys having to put up with us ladies and we do absolutely nothing in return except bitch more and more as the day goes on. Guys truly do deserve the praise that they so desperately try to achieve in their own lives. I love guys (in a friendly way and even more for one...) and I think they are underestimated for their abilities etc.

CHANGE OF TOPIC!!!!

Well, I am sort of going in the opposite direction but back to the "White Chicks" topic... girls do so much for guys to notice them and the motto for "nice guys finish last" also applies to girls. Some NICE (not saying pure,) but NICE girls are unthanked, underestimated, etc. for everything they do for guys, and everyone else around them.

FOR EXAMPLE:
*A journal entry from ANOTHER anonomous girl...*

The night is finally here that I will never forget. I am so excited, scared, and everything else at the same time. I only wish for that ONE night to go perfectly with no flaws because I will never experience another night like that again. I want it to be bliss and everything else good in the world :)

[I am writing this RIGHT after I got home...]

I got up around six in the morning and took a nice long bath. After all, I wanted to lightly smell like an apple (his favorite smell.) I also treated my hair so it smells good and it will look beautiful when I get it done :) I am also going to get a manacure and a pedicure so I have beautiful nails. I want to look flawless.. I want him to know that I spent so much time preparing for this moment because it's so special. :)

After treating my skin to some locion, I went to the salon. After I got home, I only had a few hours to do my make-up, and put on my dress that I spent hours looking for. The dance is gonna be so special and I hope it's a night I will never forget.

After spending HOURS getting ready, he came to the door looking stuning.. he said "You look beautiful." And that set me heart racing.. it's all I wanted, for him to notice that I spent so much time and put so much effort into looking spectacular for him when we went together.

While we were dancing, I could feel the chemistry between us. He didn't push and I didn't either. We just let it flow naturally and on this night, I feel so much in love with him.

After I got home, we wasn't immature what-so-ever. He simply just kissed me on the cheek and opened the door for me. I love him so much and I'm glad this night happened...he's worth all my time and energy into everything I do and even without realization, I know that he will someday be thankful for everything I do and I hope that I see everything he does, and give him the same thanks :)

I believe, being a girl, that girls expect guys to notice things like in the above entry, and when girls give something up for guys (like their virginity,) then girls usually feel paranoid and various other things.. but that's to be discussed another day.

This is just sort of my tired random ramblings on an important life lesson I learned. I hope it helped you in some way as it helped me :)

~Angel

458358 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2004-12-29
Written: (7269 days ago)

All 4 One
I Swear

swear by the moon and the stars in the sky
and I swear like the shadow that's by your side

I see the questions in your eyes
I know what's weighing on your mind
You can be sure I know my part
Cause I stand beside you through the years
You'll only cry those happy tears
And though I make mistakes
I'll never break your heart

Chorus
And I swear by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there
I swear like the shadow that's by your side I'll be there
For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

I'll give you every thing I can
I'll build your dreams with these two hands
We'll hang some memories on the wall
And when (and when) just the two of us are there
You won't have to ask if I still care
Cause as the time turns the page
My love won't age at all

And I swear (I swear) by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)

For better or worse
Till death do us part
I'll love you with every beat of my heart
And I swear

And I swear (I swear) by the moon
And the stars in the sky I'll be there (I'll be there)
I swear (and I swear) like the shadow that's by your side
I'll be there (I'll be there)

For better or worse (better or worse)
Till death do us part I'll love you
With every single beat of my heart
I swear I swear I swear

455555 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2004-12-26
Written: (7272 days ago)

The IF Survey~

IF I...
Was a profession I'd be: A vocal musician OR A ¿RN?
Was a country I'd be: Greece
Was a ocean or body of water I'd be: The Pacific Ocean
Was a famous building or piece of architecture I'd be: A Pyramid
Was a store I'd be: Hot Topic or Victoria's Secret :-D
Was a brand of shoe I'd be: Adidias
Was a bad habit I'd be: Interupting
Was a swear word I'd be: Fuck
Was an ice cream flavour I'd be: Choclate Brownie
Was a disease I'd be: Bipolar Mood Disorder (that's not really a "disease" but oh well...)
Was a board game I'd be: Clue
Was a feeling I'd be: Vivacious...
Was a president I'd be: Powerful
Was a war I'd be: Ashamed
Was a city I'd be: New York or Chicago
Was a colour I'd be: Black or Blue
Was a celebrity I'd be: ...famous?
Was a movie I'd be: 10 Things I Hate About You or The Wedding Singer
Was a company I'd be: Post
Was a currency I'd be: The Euro
Were a month, I'd be: July or September
Were a day of the week, I'd be: Saturday
Were a time of day, I'd be: 9:00 P.M.
Were a planet, I'd be: Venus
Were a sea animal, I'd be: Sea Otter
Were a direction, I'd be: South
Were a piece of furniture, I'd be: Coach
Were a sin, I'd be: Envy
Were a tool, I'd be: Hoe :-D ...jk
Were a flower/plant/tree, I'd be: Bleeding Heart
Were a kind of weather, I'd be: Right between Spring and Summer
Were a musical instrument, I'd be: Violin
Were a fish, I'd be: One of those werid colored ones w/ the coolie fins
Were a sound, I'd be: Music
Were an element, I'd be: Alumninum
Were a song, I'd be: "Cantacle of Mary," [Libby Larson, 1994]
Were a book, I'd be: "All American Girl," [Meg Cabbat]
Were a food, I'd be: PIZZA!
Were a taste, I'd be: Sweet
Were a word, I'd be: Gopacopalopacus
Were a body part, I'd be: Los Ojos (Eyes)
Were a facial expression, I'd be: Fucked up
Were a poem, I’d be: Something by Robert Frost
Were one of the four Hobbits, I'd be: Sam
Were a decade, I'd be: 1600's
Were a Beatle, I'd be: Jon Lennon
Were a style of music, I'd be: Techno
Were a Saint, I'd be: St. Fransis
Were a Book in the Bible: The Book of Revolation

454337 Link to this entry
Written about Friday 2004-12-24
Written: (7274 days ago)

Hey Everyone! This entry is important and I will try to stay as positive as possible 

I feel good today and all I want to say is Happy Holidays (whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, or some other religious or joyful holiday at this time of year. I would also like to say Happy New Year and I hope the coming year is very peaceful and prosperous to everyone.

I know that it is like two days before the Christmas Holiday. Because I’m Catholic, I strongly believe about the Lord’s coming and about the Christmas season itself. I at least somewhat know that this time of year is about deep contemplation, gratefulness for everything we have, and forgiveness for bad things that have occurred throughout the year, and things in the past that went unforgotten. I feel there are some things that need to be said and although this will be a long-ass entry, I have been waiting a very long time to say these things. I’m sick of not saying everything to everyone I need to because with secrets, life isn’t pure and I think this world needs just a little less manipulative and secretive things….read on.

First, I would like to say everything that I am thankful for... not just this year, but my entire life. Well, since this is my journal entry, I am going to do this my own fucked up little way so it makes more sense to whoever decides to read my long-and probably worthless ramblings…

* I would like to thank all the people who contributed to who I am today from the past. People like My Mother, Sophia, Brittany N., Amber, Doug, Cory, Lisa, Sarah B., Daniel, Tasha, etc... All of you took a part of me and made it into something different. Whether you betrayed me and left me for dead or only a mere part of that, I learned something in the end and it made me [at least somewhat,] into who I am today.

Yes, most of you, if not all of you listed, brought me depression, paranoia, and probably everything else bad in this world… However, through it all, I would have been an ignorant and very naive girl without your horror in my life. I thank you for that and I will never forget that part that you contributed. Yet, this does NOT mean you are forgiven or anything along those lines. I am a VERY forgiving/understanding person and I do not see how some of you even can consider deserving forgiveness OR understanding for what you have done... Thank you very much.

* I am also very thankful for those who have contributed good parts in my life. People such as Britt, [Daniel, Tasha, Thomas, Lisa, and Cory for SOME/A LITTLE AREA of the time I knew you,] changed me and conformed me into a better person. Without you, I probably would not be where I am today. I thank you guys for helping me through so much and making me a better person. Yet, I do not thank you all the same. Those who betrayed me, your thanks still goes both ways but I don’t forgive you or understand how you sleep at night doing things like that. I do have to admit, you still made me a better person, whether I like/love you or not. I’m sorry we could not be friends (some of you,) and for some others, I’m not really sorry.

Yet, out of that entire list, I would like to thank Britty the most. She helped me through so much and whether I listened or not, she warned me of terrible things. I know now to use more common sense and confidence because of her. She lead me in a direction that I should of went a long time ago, I was just too scared to go down that path. Now that I am in a different life now, I know more and feel more than I probably ever did. I am a completely different person because of her contributions and friendship in my life. Thank you Britty and I hope we can be friends forever .

* This Christmas, I have realized SO MANY things… and one of the things I am thankful pretty much above all else is my boyfriend, Cody. I know I did not mention him before because he deserves a little category of his own. I want to thank Britty so much for “setting us up.” It changed my life and I think it will have a TREMENDOUS affect on my life in the future.

I’m thankful for all the times I was a bitch, he put up with it because he knew that’s not how I really was. I’m thankful for all the times I did something and he forgave, tried to understand, or was willing to work it out with me because he knows me more than pretty much anyone. Most of all, I’m very thankful that I have someone who cares about me and loves me for who I really am. I haven’t really had people that care about me like he does and for that, in addition to a myriad amount of reasons, I love him unconditionally and always will.

I am honestly thankful/grateful that I have someone like him. No matter what, I will always love him and wanna be with him. He is like my guardian angel that saved me from the deep, dark, and seductive world I was in. Because of him, I am a completely different person and now believe that there is actually good in this world and love really does exist. I wanna be with him forever and ever because I believe we belong together. Through all of the difficulties and horror in our lives, we found someone that actually loves us for who we are, and that never has the ability to be taken for granted.

I don’t really think anyone can fathom how much I love my boyfriend and wanna be with him. I honestly think we can triumph through anything and everything that comes in our way.

* And most of all, I am thankful for God. Without him, I probably would not be here. I mean, other people did contribute to me still living, but even when all else failed, he was still there. I know that some people believe that God is just “someone” for people to have faith in so when all else fails, everything does not go to hell. But, that’s off topic and I will probably write about that sometime next year or something lolz.

Whenever I collapsed on my floor balling my eyes out because I thought all else was gone, I still had God in my heart and he gave me the strength to carry on through suffering and despair. I still believe to this day that he is giving me more strength to be the strongest person so I can survive through heart break, death, despair, and probably all else that I will go through in the future, I can triumph and become a better person. So, Thank You

I WILL CONTINUE THIS LATER BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS A MOTHER FUCKING BITCH

451900 Link to this entry
Written about Wednesday 2004-12-22
Written: (7276 days ago)

I stole this from someone on elfpack's description thingy... :)

LOVE
"I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for."

"True love cannot be found where it truely does not excist, nor can it be hidden where it truely does."

~Life isn't measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.~

Before I met you I never knew what it was like to look at someone and smile for no reason.~

~I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with anyone else. I'd rather stand through a storm with you than safe all by myself. I'd have it harder together than easier apart. Above all, I'd rather have you because you're the only one in my heart.~

~Love is living your own life, but sharing it. Love is forgiveness. It's making a million mistakes and turning them into learning experiences. Love is patience, optimistic and sometimes it's a kiss when there is nothing left to say.~

~Love is knowing that you can't be with someone forever, that there'll never be another person that completes you as completely, that you're perfectly imperfect together, that you'll lose a little part of yourself when you lose this person, but taking the time to love them anyway and walking away when it's over with a smile despite the tears.~

~You don't get to choose, you just fall in love. And you get this person who is all right and all wrong at the same time. And you know that you love them so much except sometimes they just drive you completely insane and no on can explain it and the reason it's so confusing is because it's love. But if love didn't have any challenges, what would be the point?~

~Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.~

~Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.~

~You know you're infatuated with someone when you say they are perfect. You know you are in love with someone once you realize they're really not perfect, rather the things you love about them are.~

~I need you. I need that guy who can make me laugh just by the way he says hello when I pick up the phone. The guy who makes my hands shake when I'm sitting next to him. And the guy who isn't afraid to keep hugging me when I'm not ready to let go yet.~

~It's incredible the way you make me smile...~

~The world is going to throw us a million reasons why this isn't going to work out between me and you. But, what the world doesn't know is that I'm armed with the one reason why it will... I love you.~

~Do not be afraid of what you feel for someone... they can't be mad at you... you cannot control your emotions, so why not just tell them what is on you mind, and how you feel? And maybe, just maybe, they will tell you back.~

~I hug you and I almost feel like that's where I belong and honestly, that's the only place I want to be.~

~Sometimes you love someone so that you have to be numb to it, because if you actually felt how much you loved them, it would kill you.~

~Love is too strong a word to say to early, but it has too beautiful a meaning to say too late.~

~A kiss is a kiss until you find the one you love, a hug is a hug until its the one you're thinking of, a dream is a dream until you make it come true, love is just a word until its proven to you.~

449106 Link to this entry
Written about Sunday 2004-12-19
Written: (7279 days ago)

Hey Everybody

Hey Everyone~! What's up? Not much here just chylen after my concert and typin' out a quick journal entry before I probably lay on my bed and think of what I could be doing instead of what I'm forced to conform to every day.

I think I officially found my one source of depression and all of my problems seem to stem from this one thing -My Mother. She takes or eventually takes everything I could ever want and love because she "enjoys watching me suffer," and YES, this is a DIRECT QUOTE I hope she just does society a favor and dies because she keeps everyone around her from their maximum potential due to her un-ending failure.

It just seems like everything stems out from this -the drivers license, the ability to have freedom, the friends I once had tired of putting up w/ her, the severe deprivation in social life, the ability to do what everyone else's "default" is in abilities... the list could go on forever.

I get so sick of watching everyone around me get everything they could possibly want and I have to sit here and suffer and be afraid that everything I have is going to be ripped away very soon. My life is pretty much fear and deprivation. I'm just afraid everything I love is gonna be ripped away because of her and it makes me cry.

She's taken so much away from me and doesn't give me anything I want. I'm scared to ask her anything because she'll just scream and cuss and everything else bad. I've hate her and have for years. But, my Dad is worse... if there's even such a thing.

I mean, I don't get physically abused or anything but there's three types of abuse... physical, mental, and emotional. Two of those, you really can't do anything about except suffer for eighteen long years until your free to emotionally suffer and be mentally deprived for the rest of your life.

I mean, I do try to get things on my own but what's the hope if it's gonna be taken away. I just count down from the year and a half I have to go until I turn eighteen and I can be free. She wants me to stay right in town and go to college, YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. Like I'll ever be around her again, she's just been asking me to leave for quite some time.

I'm impressed I found a way I can actually do something on new years, but you know what... I have to be left behind because it's not gonna work. Not because of my Mother, because she likes Jessica, just.. I don't wanna go on about it. This whole situation just makes me sad as hell....

440882 Link to this entry
Written about Saturday 2004-12-11
Written: (7287 days ago)

~THE REASON THAT I LOVE MUSIC~

Many of the people around me believe I am completely and utterly obsessed w/ music. After all, I am a "professional singer." But there's a reason why I love music and singing, and everything about it. Music is completely different from any other subject or matter... it's art that can't be expressed in any other way but a crisp sound expressing it's true meaning.

Choirs are supposed to be families, some are not as good as others and some are nasty to each other. That's just a matter of life. But music is the only thing, where nobody can change it but you. Music is more than it appears and when a person makes art of something, like a meaningful song they are releasing their sweat and hard work and blood and time and energy and every emotion they are feeling into that one note on the page to make it sound beautiful and meaningful and everything it should be.. and everything it wants to be.

Music is the only art where you can express a part of you through your voice and facial expression and tone and dynamic and all of the musical theroy hear-say. It's something amazing because no matter how you are feeling, you can express everything into any type of song. Sad energy turns into happy energy when a happy song is sung. Studies have been done and people do respond to music physically and emotionally.

But hoenstly, I love music because no matter how I am feeling, I can just sit or stand wherever I am in the world and sing a song that I absolutely love and make it whatever I want it to be. I can make it a loving and wonderful piece for everyone around me and express all of the hard work and blood and time and energy and all of the emotion I am feeling into that "eternal now," where I don't have to worry about anything and I can just love the song, and the way I feel when I am singing it.

389877 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2004-10-25
Written: (7334 days ago)

Hey,

I WARN YOU: THIS IS IN A NUTSHELL....

Well, I sort of had an epiphany last night. Unless you have known me for quite some time, you wouldn't understand why this is a good/new realization for me. I suppose it means I am moving on in a new direction because I would always be stuck in the past. It's a REALLY REALLY *X infinity* good thing because that it means I am truly underline TRULY happy.

If you know me, I'm usually only happy for a limited amount of reasons, if at all. But during my Homecoming dance, I felt something I never really felt before. It was amazing because I knew that THAT exact (place/whom I was with) was where I was supposed to be -it's where I was meant to be at that time. I wasn't supposed to be with anyone else or anywhere else.

For YEARS, I ALWAYS thought I belonged with ONE particular person. Did I "love" them? Yes. Did I go out with other people during that period, yes. I know it sounds mean, but I honestly thought I liked them [the other people I went out with,] during that time frame. I mean, I was just confused as to how I felt and didn't even know it until afterward.

Yet, I always went back to the same person -the same old feeling that what's "meant to be," is never going to happen. I was depressed, anxious, and just generally unhappy. Unhappy was not the only thing I felt at the time. I was so suicidal and even came close a few times. I was an all around bitch and now I look back, and regret every minute I wasted before....

What made it worse, was everyone else said we looked so cute together. They would constantly ask why we weren't together. They would nag and nag forEVER! It was horrible!!!! But, he just never wanted to, for reasons not known to me.

I mean, supposedly he told two people the "we woulda went out but..." speech. Yet, he denies liking me and the periods where he says he does, are simple confusions (well, to him anyway.) I mean, everyone thinks he does, (generally,) and I dunno if the whole "you two are cute thing," is ever gonna end. I mean, maybe we appear to be "fate," (or whatever the hell you wanna call it,) but now I know that this so called "fate," lies else ware for numerous reasons.

Now, I really do not give a shit whether he is in love with me or not. I wasted two/three years waiting for his ass to come around. He tells me, "I don't care if we are friends," and then calls me his Sister, the goes back to the "I don't like her mood." What the hell? I wasted all that time and I want to go back and change time so badly. I mean, I know that I am where I AM supposed to be -I'm with WHOM I'm supposed to be with and no one's going to alter that decision.

In contrast to then... I am now happy we're not together [or basically ever were together,] because I wouldn't of been here, in this state now -and here (right now,) is a VERY good thing. At the dance, I knew I was dancing with the right person. Now, it's not like I didn't have feeling with this person before -because yes, I did love this person before the dance. However, at the dance...I was positive that I'm not supposed to be with ANYONE else.

During that period of two/three years, I didn't really feel anything about anyone. It's like bloop, feeling block. (Yes, I did use bloop because I didn't know what else to put there.) It's like no matter what I did, I never liked anyone else for real, I never felt anything but "love" for real. I mean, I thought I did, but I really didn't. I liked the same person and now, I'm POSITIVE I don't like this person anymore. (I mean, I was positive before, but yeah.. you get what I mean.) After time passed, I knew I was ALWAYS going to "love" this ONE person. I was never gonna be with anyone else because I didn't feel ANYTHING for ANYONE else. Now, that feelings gone.

After I started to have this feeling (the new epiphany feeling,) I realized I just wasted almost two/three years of my life. It put me in a state that I shouldn't of been in. Why, I don't know. I'm not confused now because NOW is the only time that I am moving away from that direction and moving foreword into something amazing, something new, and most of all... something real. I also know because I'm I actually feel something now, in contrast to having no other emotion before. NOW is the only emotion I feel and it's the only emotion I wanna feel.

This feeling is just as if everything melts away and that one moment, (while the dancing occurs,) is the RIGHT moment. It feels like I am sheltered from everything horrible and wrong because there is nothing like that around me (which I know there is, but it feels as if there's not at that particular moment.) I feel as if the only thing I need to do is just dance with that ONE person. At that moment, the dancing was like me showing how I feel about this person and how I feel like ...myself.

The best symbol I can give you (and yes, it does sound corny,) is like a bubble. Like I'm standing in the middle of a room where horrible things are placed, deceiving thoughts and words try to haunt me, and most of all... they are trying to destroy the bubble. Now, this bubble is a thin layer wrapped around me protecting me from everything in this room. The feeling is the bubble. But the bubble is popped if the feeling isn't true for the reasons and guidelines that I BELIEVE it is true for (I know that's confusing but PLAY ALONG! lolz.)

At that time, and as the feeling begins to grow more prominently, I feel truly happy, no matter what happens. I know the source of this feeling feels somewhat the same about me also. Yet, it's just like I'm ecstatic and NO MATTER WHAT, this feeling will ALWAYS make me so excited (not like horny excited,) because I know it's the feeling I want to have and am supposed to have with this person.

JUST OMG lolz... there's really nothing in English to describe it more than that. Although, there is LOADS more lolz :)

Love always,
~Angel

389873 Link to this entry
Written about Monday 2004-10-25
Written: (7334 days ago)

Hey,

I am going to kinda so a switch order here. I don't really wanna write anymore but I'll write a BIT about this.

The friend I have had for over three years, *Daniel,* said the "I don't care if we are friends anymore," type of thing. Then, he ignores me. He's being a freakin idiot b-cuz of the reasoning *or supposive reasoning,* and all this. Pisses me off that we can't even be FRIENDS... but you know what... FUCK IT! If he doesn't wanna be friends, we don't have to be.

By the way, IF AND ONLY IF anyone tore us apart *as friends,* which I'm thinking that was a factor, I hope they burn in hell and then come back to life and then burn in hell again because they sure do deserve it. MOTHER FUCKERS. Not that they care what I SAY, but I'm SURE what's about to come to them is gonna make them regret lifting a finger (and yea, that should scare you whoever you are...)

THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH ONLY APPLIES IF SOMEONE TRIED TO TARE US APART~

~Angel

The logged in version