Hey,

I can honestly say my mood, about me going "straight to hell," couldn't be more true now than it ever has been in the past.

Today at lunch, my friends brought up the whole me being "different" thing than I was just a few months ago. I could admit that it's completely true and it seems like I'm doing things I thought that only horrible / cursed people would even think about doing.. *grrs on self*

I've been illoyal, dishonest, and so much more. I want to take it all back and do it all over again.. but I can't. I'm beginning to ask myself why I keep screwing up the most cherished things that I have some sort of grasp on. I've hurt so many, it's not even funny. *Hits self with steak* Yes, I'm willing to hit myself with a piece of raw meat.

I sooo deserve punishment, and sometimes I wish I would recieve something horrible because frankly, I deserve it. I mean, I'm really only talking about a few particular things, but still. And I am NOT talking about regreting what happened last night.. the people that know what I'm talking about, are the only ones that should know.

Yet sometimes, I imagine some people in particular just putting their arms around me and say that it's normal to commit things like that, because everyone makes mistakes. But sometimes, I feel like I've made mistakes beyond any recollection. I hope that they tell me that everything will be okay and that everyone is gonna be fine..

[I'm more concerned about making everyone else unhappy, rather than making myself unhappy. I suppose I've always been that way. If everyone knew what I've done within the last few months, I would have some people that would feel absolutely horrible and even worse than that. I even think some people would go to the extent of suicide because I've caused them so much pain. I wish I could just take their pain away, and even if I had to possess it, and they would be happy, it would totally be worth it... even if it's too much to handle.]

Just GRRR I feel like just running in a dark whole for a while, I realized what I had and I fucked it up beyond any type of belief. Hopefully, tomorrow.. I will be able to talk it out with him. I don't know though, I think he's busy and I work so I guess I'll know tonight :-\

I figured I need to prioritize and figure out why I'm committing these acts, rather than whether I've committed them or not. I know there has to be a reason, and for some of them, I know the reasons... it's irreversable. But sometimes, I look back and I'm like "why in holy hell did I do that to them?" or "Why the fuck did I do that to myself?"

I feel like I've done just more than make others unhappy, but I've lowered myself to a standard where I really shouldn't be. I'm allowing myself to be used and betrayed and everything else.. and I'm allowing that behavior to continue for certain reasons. And then when someone in particular comes across and totally isn't about that, I break their promises and committ more aweful acts.

I honestly deserve the title of the worst girl in the entire world. And I'm not even joking... not even close to joking at all. I do admit, I was lucky for a while there.. but now I'm just cursed. Why does all this bad stuff happen to me?

I've done so much and lost so much and gained so much. I mean, I know it's all part of the "circle of life.." But COME ON, I even screw up the good parts. I always read stories and wish that would happen to me, and when I finally have the chance of a lifetime, I fuck it up and end up in the worst situations possible, falling for the best people in the entire world under the worst circumstances, and making myself out to be an ass like usual.

ARG.. again, I am going to talk to him and just tell him everything, the reason why I do it, what's happened to me, what I've done.. everything and anything. I know he would be willing to listen to me and help me. He's just that type of guy, and you don't come across those people anymore. It's so rare, that when you do come across someone like that, it means everything to you. I hope I just don't screw this up more than I already have...

I Am So Sorry Everyone...I Would List Names And Reasons, But It's Too Private.

[Hey Everybody]

I would consider this to be one of the most important entries in my entire diary. I just had a huge realization tonight because of a question I was asked last night by a special someone. It got me thinking about a lot of things and here's my imcomplete answer that applies to everyone in this situation:

I noticed that when two people are in love, they are willing to do a whole hell of a lot to be with each other, despite how much pain they have to go through, and even if everything is destroyed between them but that everlasting love.

But there comes a time where You will always love them and they will always mean the world to you, but you will not always be happy being with them.. And looking at other people as well as myself, I noticed that's more true now, than I ever believed it to be before.

[I sometimes wish I could be the noble one and step up to say, "I love you and wanna be with you more than anything in the whole world, but just our love cannot last forever... There's companionship and faith and trust and everything else good in this world. Some of these things, we do not possess, despite how much I wish we did. I always wish I could wave a wand and we would live happily ever after until the end of all time. But in reality, I am strong enough to know that it cannot occur out of magic. I know love isn't perfect, and it requires work, but some work is beyond repair..." ]

["And I can confess that my heart is broken beyond repair, but this is more than just love. We have tried just true and pure love, and it only led us both to more hurt, sorrow, despair, and horror. I wish I could take all your pain away, even if I had to die a thousand deaths. I hope you can understand that I'm doing this for both of us. Because, although, the feeling will always be there, we will be only living half a life if we are not happy, I am happy around you, but so many things get in the way, and I know that maybe one day, we can be together, but right now, I'm living half a life with everything around me."]

I mean, one may think these statements are not true at first sight, but imagine if the feeling was all you had. One would argue and cheat and everything else to satisfy the feelings that arnt being satisfied in the relationship itself. And that's not what one wants to do to someone they truly love... one would only hurt them more than anyone could ever imagine.

I mean, I'm not saying it's what I would want to do (as in not be with them anymore,) but I don't know if I could thrive forever on just the feeling alone and not have any other factors, despite how strong it is. Yes, I admit, I would want to be with them and just be carefree for all eternity, but when dream turns into reality, I realize that everything does not go by what one plans, and sometimes, more is needed than just the true emotions.

I know I'm going all over with this, but I hope you understand what I'm talking about. It's hard to realize if your in the relationship itself and some people are not strong enough to stand up and say the truth... they only want to hide behind the feeling and pretend everything will be okay forever.

NOTE: About 90% of this entry is not about Cody and I's previous relationship... this is more directed towards anyone in this type of situation

Hey,

I'm like all *grr at self* lolz. I wrote this awesome thing last night and my computer deleted it. I took another shot at remembering everything I wrote (the order was important,) and it just wasn't the same. So I guess it's all cool. It was running through my head all day along with my favoritist songs and what-not. I'm surprised at how much can actually run through my head in the course of a day :-\

Anywayz, here's my third attempt at what I was trying to write last night.

Is The Heart Still Broken If It's Invisible?
Are Tears Still Cried If No One Sees?
Are You Still Living If Your Dead Inside?
As You Plead For Life On Your Bloody Knees.

Does Life Still Go On When The World Stops?
Is Someone Still Screaming If Only A Smile Shows?
Are You Still Dying If Your Invisible?
As You Try To Overcome The Oppressive Woes.

Can One Live Without The Love Of Another?
Can One Live Without Emotion At All?
Attempting to Live A Lifeless Life.
As They Continually Stumble And Fall.

Is The Heart Still Broken If It's Invisible?
Are Tears Still Cried If No One Sees?
Are You Still Living If Your Dead Inside?
As You Plead For Life On Your Bloody Knees.

Does The Room Still Close In If You Have Freedom?
Is Life What It Really Seems?
Is There A Difference Between Dream And Reality?
As Your Mind And Emotion Begin To Decieve.

Is The Heart Still Broken If It's Invisible?
Are Tears Still Cried If No One Sees?
Are You Still Living If Your Dead Inside?
As You Plead For Life On Your Bloody Knees.

Hey,

Sorry I haven't been writing as often, I've been really busy and all ...busy lol. I feel like writing this entry in Spanish, but I won't for lack of grammar rules (at this point..) LaLaLa

I feel like doing Gladiujh Jul in TraLa's right now (yes, I know I spelled that WAY wrong, but I don't give a shit..) I don't know, that was just a random thought in my head, along with MANY other thoughts.

[YES! I finally have a completely "answer" to that question I was asked that made me think a LOT...] I don't really wanna go into much detail on here because it's sorta personal and all that good "stuff." But OMG, lol I *heart* my answer. I SO feel like asking him the same question just to see what he'd say... maybe I'll do that. *Evil Grin* Anywayz, if he wants to know the answer, I will be more than glad to talk to him about it :)]

Yeah, I had to work today and I have to work tomorrow. Lucily, I've been friends with two-coworkers and one manager for years. It's makes me all fuzzily inside to know I feel welcome, unlike Choir class lolz. You all know exactly what I'm talking about.

Okay, so yeah, a friend totally betrayed me and even attmitted to it RIGHT on the telephone. He knows he stabbed me in the back and doesn't even feel sorry about it. What a total ass, I told my friend Britty, and she was like "OMG, what a prick!" Yeah.. you girls know what I'm talking about.

So anyway, he told this girl that hates me that I'm a sex-craved whore and that I'm gonna go to hell because I had premarital sex. Guess what? She told the whole fucking world and that's going around everywhere and it's brother, along with that rumor that I'm pregnant by Cody, which I'm not.. thank you very much.

I can honestly say, that I have never been this consistantly happy in quite some time. Long stories for other days. Yet, there are other things I'm not happy about, but that's the way the world works and unless I commit suicide and get sent to Heaven, that's not really gonna change any time soon.

Hey,

Well, all I can say for this entry is that I've been thinking A LOT about this one question someone asked me. I never knew one little sentence could make me think so much lolz.

~Angel

Continuing on..

It's true, whether you found out from me (which there are like two/three people excluding the people involved that know,) or you found out second-hand, I'm involved in a very "delicate" situation. It doesn't really put anyone at a good position and any action from certain individuals could cause a whole riot of drama that will last for all eternity.

Basically, it's a choice of if I should break girlcode under particular circumstances. I can't really explain a whole lot on this journal because people will see it, news will spread, and riots will burst out causing the entire world to stop and rebel and all that good shit. [Yes, I have a right to run-on sentences..]

I've pretty much came up with a compromise-type of dealy but that's not purely my decision. It's like 25% my decision and 75% the other persons decision for NUMEROUS reasons. So I'm basing on whatever is okay / all goodie with them :)

Continuing on with yesterday's entry lol (Yes, I edited a bit so that's why it says today's date.) I was sort of afraid to write EVERYTHING because I found out how many people actually read this darn thing.. but I figured if I'm gonna be open, I might as well be well.. open lol

I want to thank everyone who called me today or talked to me at lunch/school about last night. I was so glad to know that my friends supported me and were interested in what was going on in my life. Although I had to explain everything that I was willing to say about it, (with the hand motions/facial expressions and all *snicker*) ten thousand times...I was so happy to know that I have the support from everybody :). Somehow, ny little circle of friends spilled to each other and the two people I told suddenly turned into fifteen or so.

[And yes, I decided to keep some parts to myself.. because I can. :-D Sorry that I haven't said everything and all, but I hope you understand why I don't wanna go into every little detail :).]

Some comments from today pretty much amazed me and they were things about me that I didn't even know...

*"Shelbz..you are so fucking lucky, I'm jealous. And you totally know that I never get jealous over anything! I am so sueing you [She Laughs]" ~Jen

*"Girl, [awwwww] just holy crap! I can't believe that, I haven't seen you this happy since the whole That thing in which you weren't really all that happy about it since like... November/December -ish. Just WHOA, what a change. You seem completely relaxed and happy :) I'm so happy for you!!!!" ~Ash

*"Shelby, you seem a little overly happy. SPILL! [I Somewhat spill in a nutshell..] OMG! What the.. if that happened to me, I would SO feel appreciated and warm and lucky and amazing and OMG I could go on for days!" ~Michelle (Yes I know her name now!)

*"Man, I want to get to know his tactics..he obviously knows what he's doing.. just woah!" ~Zukkers

*"May I please sue you? Seriously, you need to be sued for luckiest girl on the planet. Just, I can't say anything else... [she throws her arms up in the air and starts to walk away] SUE SHELBY!" ~Carol
Carol Later Writes A Sign "Sue Shelby For Being Offically The Luckiest Girl On The Planet!" and sticks it on my locker. Which I saw after school and wanted to leave on there, but I was told to take it off..

I think it's true that I am like REALLY happy and relaxed. :) I mean yeah, I do get nervous and feel warm and funny and all fuzzily inside, but it's completely awesome lol. I honestly do feel like a better person now than I pretty much ever have :) And I want to thank you for that.. I really do :) *Does happy dance* Yes, I'm allowed to do my happy dance at least twice in the same week lol.

Yeah, something happened. Long story lol. Let's just say my heart dropped an entire mile or so when someone said a classic quote in which I'd fear would be said. It's all cool though. Long stories for other days...:-P

Hey,

I can honestly say that tonight was the first time I had that warm butterfly feeling in sooooo long. Jenny was right, the look is completely rare and only comes along when someone is there that can make you completely happy

God, I love life. :)

I mean, I haven't had the warm happy connecting feeling in SO Long that I thought I would never experience it again. I was SOOOOOOOO glad I was wrong this time :) *Does happy dance* lol. Yes, I actually have a happy dance, SUE ME!

I'm way too happy to be writing anything right now :) Just OMG you will honestly not believe how I feel right now and could possibly understand why. Plus, it's sorta something I wanna keep to myself :) *HeHeHe* If you wanna know, just ask.

~Much Love To All,
Angel

Hey Everybody,

Sorry I haven't wrote anything in the last few days. Well, I did write a private entry but that's kinda..private lol. There's two people that can see it (if they're willing to read something that long..) and one already has. They said that I shouldn't feel that way, which is damn right lolz. The other person that's allowed to see it is: *Drumroll...*

Sandra

...and she's allowed to have it whenever she wants (it's not bad, it's actually really good :)

Anywayz, I am going to say that I've smiled more in the last few nights than I have in a very VERY long time, despite how "some" people treat me. :)

Here's a conversation my friend Jenny and I had about a comment that made me VERY happy :). I had to remember some of this so.. yeah.

Me: "Quote.."

Jenny: "Oh My God, Shelby.. if someone said that to me, I would start crying, then tell him how amazing he is and how much I want to be with him, and realize that I found someone completely real that would always make me smile like that...and then I would cry for a long time after that because I would be so fucking happy. Two hours later, I would call him back and say, 'I now know this is what love feels like...' You are the luckiest girl on the face of the planet. Don't screw it up this time Shelbz.. PLEASE, I'm counting on you :-D, you have yourself a winner here!"

That wasn't exactly my reaction to the quote he said, rather I replied with this:
"Now I know that life is not complete darkness and there is light on the other side of the tunnel. I also know that I've found someone that appreciates me for who I am and is willing to do almost anything for me (which the feeling and willingness is returned), I know that he is amazing, and I am very lucky... Finally, for one time in my life, I've found someone real. Which is totally a good thing. Just don't let me screw it up Jenny lol"

Jenny: "How's this Shelby? You screw it up and I beat your ass for being stupid [She Laughs,] Seriously though, don't worry.. just let things flow as they are and you won't have ANY problems.."

Me: "Yes Jenny, I know that [I laugh]"

Jenny: "OMG Shelby, what the hell was that look on your face?"

Me: "What look?"

Jenny: "I know what that is.."

Me: "Jenny, everyone has been saying that, what the hell 'look' are you talking about..? Because no one will tell me!"

Jenny: [Is silent then speaks,] "The look of confidence.."

Me: "What's the 'Look of Confidence'?"

Jenny: "The look of confidence is where you are totally happy with who you are and what's going on with your life right now... it says that despite what's happened, you were strong enough to pull through into the next part of your life. It's a look that's rare, and only comes when something huge comes along!"

Me: "You mean the feeling of knowing the truth? Jenny, I don't understand..."

Jenny: "Shelbz, you'll understand soon enough :) Just be happy right now and enjoy all [She laughs..]"

Me: "But what about..."

Jenny: "SHUT UP! That doesn't even count anymore, I mean, it does.. but your completely better than That"

Me: "No, not really..and please don't refer to that whole ordeal was That, it's more than that"

Jenny: "Look, seriously... you are better than That And that's all it counts for hun.. Stop playing games, and stop lying to yourself. Everybody knows why you feel the way you do. And it's understandable. But think to those times that make you happy, and it will carry you through anything."

Me: "Thanks Jenny..I'll talk to you tomorrow"

Hey,

I apologize because I feel like I'm trying to get into other people's business, and intervene where I don't belong. But I saw your message, and I just had to send this because I wanted you to get a perspective from someone who's felt the same way (in some situations,) for the same person…from the outside [all that at once...woo lol.] I can attempt to say that if you talk to Cody, I have some idea of what he is going to say. However, I know you love Cody enough to do what’s right and best for him, which in some cases, is not always what he wants...
And you’re probably asking me why I’m even gonna say these things in the first place. I’m going to be VERY honest and say, yes I do want to be with Cody…more at some points than others. Nevertheless, I would never do anything selfish to try to take away his happiness or anyone else’s –I love him to death and I would never even think about doing anything along those lines.
I know you are probably the person least expecting this from me, but I know how you feel when you say your afraid your going to hurt Cody. I was too for a very long time and I have hurt him badly –or even worse a few times. I admit it, I was completely in the wrong and I still feel badly for what I've done, and I didn't even mean to hurt him in the first place. There’s times where I’ve just wanted to take all of his burdens away because I just love him way too much to see him hurt like that. And, despite whether you meant to cause them or not [I’m writing about me causing him burdens,] it’s hard to watch people you love go through things, especially ones that are completely your fault.
But there's a point where you need to trust Cody to make his own choice about whether he wants to be with you or not. Sometimes, I've felt like I don't deserve someone as great as him, and I should let him go to find someone much better than I ever could be. However, I also respect him and trust his judgment enough to let him make up his own mind. Yes, I had my doubts that the wrong choices were being made, but I had faith in everything and I prayed the right choices would be made.
I mean yes, there are some cases where people need to throw the others persons choice and judgment out the window and do what's best for them. But, Cody's smart enough to where I think he knew what type of relationship he was getting into...[Meaning, the distance between you guys and you may/may not be moving away etc.] And I think he understands so many other things –even things no one knows about.
I'm sorry to hear about all the things that’s happened to you in the last few years. Personally, I think it is amazing that despite everything that has happened, you are still strong enough to carry through and live your life... I don't know if I would be able too. I know that Cody wants to be there for you and help you through anything that you may come across. He's just that type of guy, which is more than amazing because a lot of them are not like that. I've been through some crazy stuff as well, and Cody has always tried to listen to me, even when he underwent my "completely bitch attacks," which he totally did not deserve. I wish I would have refrained from being that way, but I understood that Cody wanted to be there for me and help me as well. And he understood that everyone gets moody at times, especially at particular times.
And I can understand that your confused on the whole matter. I can't tell you what to do, or try to convince you one way or the other. All I can say is to follow your heart and you'll make the right choices. Sometimes, especially one time in particular, I was in a situation where I didn't know whether I should do what I thought was best for Cody, or let him make his own choice. I wanted to ease his burdens but I knew that my mind was completely clouded. So I put trust in him to make the choice, and I would not have wanted it any other way.
All I can say about trust is that I trust Cody with things that I would never tell anyone else in my entire life. He is completely loyal –and I know you already know that. Cody would never EVER say anything that he isn’t completely willing to do (unless he says he’s not willing to do it.) Cody has sacrificed so much for me, and I’m so grateful someone as great as him would do the things that he’s done for me. I will never be able to repay him for everything he’s done for me and I would be willing to do anything for him.. But, whenever you feel doubt, trust him and he’ll know exactly what to do 
I know your very happy with him, and obviously he's happy with you (or at least I got that impression from both of you...) If you guys are happy with each other and all is well, then there's no reason to break up [at least in my opinion.] I know you are afraid of what's going to happen and you only want what's best for Cody...
But, don't leave and not know, because you'll always think of what COULD have happened... I mean, what if all turns out well, you guys meet, and life goes on from there? It's just a chance you have to be willing to take and you have to be willing to have faith in both of you.

Much Love To Both Of You 
~Shelby

Hey,
OMG, the BEST possible things happen to me in the WORST possible circumstances.. GRR *clenches throat..* I hate my emotioicons... :-\

Hey,

Okay, I'm gonna tell everyone on here right now to stop trying to convince me of what I believe. I'm sick of people giving me reason after reason and I don't have a whole lecture of defense.

Personally, it's making me loose faith.. a lot. And I know your trying to help me but it's only hurting me more. Please stop, because I can't handle that right now too. I can't handle people bitching at me about that because you guys have no idea what's going on.

I wish I could tell you guys everything in our defense, but I can't. It's personal and it seems like I'm the only one that has any faith in it because everyone else is certinly trying to convince me otherwise. Am I really wrong? Please God, give me a sign!

There's a difference between someone who is acting like an ass, and someone who is truly an ass. Please remember that next time you try to convince me of something.

Okay, God, you need to seriously intervine and tell me the truth on this one. I'm getting reason after reason verses some trust here. I know I'm supposed to have faith, but ...I need more, I need to know more. Please, give me a sign!

[NOTE:] For all of those people who have shattered hearts, just know that despite what happeneds, there is always tomorrow whether you like it or not. There is more than one aspect to your life! Yes, emotion can be very powerful as well as decieving.

And it may SEEM like the end of the world is upon you...because your body is lying there dead within your life. You're covered in scars that may never heal, bleeding from the very core. Your heart is softly beating, praying that someone will come to your aid and rescue you. As you slowly breathe and patiently wait, you begin to think of the past and wish that it was there with you once again, and want more than ever to run away to where no one will know you, and nothing will follow you.

You feel completely numb as you begin to fade into darkness, because the innocense has forever left you; You feel nothing as if there was anything to feel but a complete emptiness that can only be replaced by the aids of God, Your Hope, or Someone else.

But, try to make the best with what you have and pray that emptiness that haunts you every minute of the day will be filled in the future. You will be able to sleep again, and the cuts and scars will heal. Although they will remind you where you have been, please, take pride where you have been because it will fill you with strength in the greatest times of despair.

There is more than what appears. Always look for the other aspects of your life and realize how far you've gone or how far you need to go in order to obtain what you've always wanted. Your not alone and there is always more than the emptiness.

I can tell you from past experience the emptiness that many feel becomes dorment but never leaves.. living is the only thing you can do, and yes, it will be a challenge. But be strong enough to be willing to take that challange, and run with it. Otherwise, your allowing yourself to go under.

Hey Everybody, we sight read / other stuff to this song today in choir rehearsal. It's called a "Somewhere Medley.." It's a combination of Somewhere Over The Rainbow and this other song. It's really pretty and it reminded me of a hell of a lot of things lol

[Okay, I feel mucho stupid-o. I just wrote down the beginning of the song and omitted the rest which was the most important part lol]

There's A Place For Us,
Somewhere A Place For Us.
Peace And Quiet And Open Air,
Wait For Us, Somewhere.
There's A Time For Us,
Someday A Time For Us,
Time Together With Time To Spare.
Time To Learn And Time To Care,
We'll Find A Way.
Somewhere A New Day,
We'll Find A New Way Of Living.
We'll Find A Way Of [Forgiving.]
Somewhere, There's A Place For Us.
A Time And A Place For Us.
Hold My Hand And We're Half Way There.
Hold My Hand And I'll Take You There.
We'll Make A New Start,
We'll Find A New Day.
Somewhere Out There,
If Love Can See Us Through,
Then We'll Be Together,
Somewhere Out There,
Where Dreams Come True.
Where Dreams Come True.

Hey, I am going to completely put every complaint and other stuff I have in one entry so I don't have to worry about it anymore.

TOP REASONS WHY 23 REASONS I'M (Along with many others,) ARE REALLY MAD!

1) I hate the fact that some people intentionally hurt other people they supposively care about and then piss you off to make things so much better.
2) I hate it when the people you care about the most think ill of you because you have doubt in yourself through actions or words they've said.
3) I hate it when Teachers don't seem to understand the fact that everything bad is going on in your life, and it may interfear with your academic "state."
4) I hate it when friends betray each other, or when you want something and you can't have it.
5) I hate the fact when people lie to you and then say they're not and pretty much never have before, when in reality, they have to you so many times.. you don't even feel like a person anymore.
6) I hate being reminded every day why my life sucks and watch everyone else be happy-go-lucky, while my life turns into the living hell once again.
7) I hate repeating the same patterns over and over again that just lead me to pain, then regain faith to join the "living" once again, then be screwed over more than you were before.
8) I hate it when people don't attempt and live things up to their full potential
9) I hate that people arnt willing to accept change [myself included] Despite how unfair the change may seem.
10) I now officially hate myself in each and every way because I've been such a bitch lately as I watch everyone else get what they want.
11) I hate that I sometimes don't have the faith, the ability, or the potential to live for my dreams. So I feel opressed and held back.
12) I hate the fact that people say it's not personal, when it contrast, it feels so personal to you.. you can't even live with yourself.
13) I hate making up reasons to get up in the morning just so I can attempt to live to the best of my abilities.
14) I hate the fact that people say things that mean everything to you, and then don't live up to it, but actually go in the opposite direction.
15) I hate that fact that friends can ruin your life with one simple ill word to another person [September 24, 2004]
16) I hate the fact that I can't make progress because it feels so wrong.
17) I hate the fact that I can't even write this in paragraph form
18) I hate feeling emotion all together, I want to be a robot.
19) I hate when people who feel like they can abuse me for sex, and have before.. then get new girlfriends and live happily ever after. [I am NOT talking about Cody, this is a different person.]
20) I hate when people that just sit there, and listen to me rant and then complain about how I can complain.. but can't seem to find one good thing that's going on with me or themselves right now while I have to listen to them bitch.
21) I hate when people think I'm selfish. I'm anything but and if I was, you would see a completely different side of me, which I've shut up for years.
22) I hate it when people think I'm a dumbass, ditzy, or completely retarded. I may appear to be, but I'm a lot smarter than what you think I am...

TOP REASON WHY I AM REALLY MAD: 23) I hate that I have to accept a false reality just so I can live on with what I have. And I hate it when others enthuse the false reality and make it seem like it's something that it's really not. I also hate it when people try to make me realize how false my reality really is, when I really do know, and am just in denile about it.

TOP 21 REASONS I AM HAPPY

1) If my false reality is actually real, I will cry with joy. I am honestly looking foreward to that day. I live for the moment, rather than in the moment. And when that moment comes, I will cherrish it for all eternity :)
2) I now have a job, have to get my license soon, and could be free to crash my car into a tree and committ suicide if I wanted to :-D
3) I am more calmed and relaxed now physically. Mentally, I'm all over the place and don't really know what to think about anything anymore. If someone would like to give me reassurance, go a head :)
4) I found out which friends are real, and which ones are not.
5) I'm making more friends at BCGC and I'm getting better vocally.
6) I'm doing alright in school, accept for Spanish.. which really doesn't count because of the circumstances I am under with that class.
7) I have stronger faith, although I need reasurrance in some aspects.
8) I know what I am capable of... and what I cannot handle more now than I ever could know before.
9) I am finding that I can finally sleep between two and four hours a night and just not stay up all night and then not even be tired the next day.
10) Things are going well for my friends, in most aspects.
11) Although my test was conclusive, I have to go for further testing to see if I have cancer/other diseases or anything along those lines (it runs heavily in my family and I haven't been doing to well lately.)
12) One Night, I smiled for the first time in a very long time.
13) Although people think ill of me wrongly, I pray they have the faith to see what really happened or who I really am.
14) I think there's a reason people are saying no, and I won't exactly say my response to that... because you'll think I'm psycho lol. You'll see it when you see me :-\
15) Reminising on so many good memories carries me to the next day or when I'm in despair.
16) I love life beyond belief, I just hate all aspects of it and have for quite some time.
17) They stopped playing the fucking chimpmunk song on the radio.
18) My car is getting fixed
19) Music is very inspiring
20) Yes, there is more than one aspect to my life. Some of them are actually going quite well.. while some suffer greatly.

TOP REASON I AM HAPPY: 21) Over the last eight months, I have learned more about life than I could have in an entire lifetime. I'm thankful for that and so much more, whether it was meant for me to know or not.. or whether it was pure or not. I have also learned more about my faults and who I really am because of my inspirations. Whether you believe it or not, I've changed over the last eight months and now (within the last three weeks or so,) I am starting to show that result, even though it's not completely there yet.. and several good pieces are missing :)

I hate the fact that I'm sometimes right (not all the time..) I'd rather be wrong 100% of the time than to be right about the things that matter the most.

And don't even dare to say I'm not right about this (for those of you that know what I'm talking about,) because it's not a matter of I'm the only one that is beginning to believe it. It's a matter of beginning to believe everyone around you reminding you every single day.

Excuse me while I go ask everyone I think of to bloody murder me, or maybe I shouldn't just to piss everyone else off. And yes, saying things like that just lets everyone else know I'm not as ignorant to the facts as they may think I am.

JUDEMENT DAY HAS ARRIVED: Result. Conclusive, I'm really happy the results turned out the way they did. Thank you two for saving my life :)

*Shiver.* I'm REALLY scared about tomorrow. I pray that I'm not one of the six juniors or X amount of Seniors or X amount of sophomores in my High School. Let alone the people everywhere else. Otherwise I will be VERY sick [not pervertically and not forever.] But I will let you (Diary) know first because you have the right. Someone else has more of a right than you, But I gotta decide which of the two it is *Evil Evil Me with no Evil Grin.*

Yes Britt, I considered what you said and I also considered what other people (Tobias, Jessie, John, and probably YLM if he would talk to me,) said about the situation. So, I will make sure everything ends up okay for all people involved. Lets just pray nothing and nobody gets in our way, or I will hunt them down and hurt them very badly. And ya'll know I will. If it's for this *Evil face* (And no, it's not what "some people," think it is lol)

And yes, I just LOVE it when people ignore me. Don't you? *heHehe*

Hey,

I would like to note that I may or may not be leaving ET for a while because I have a really important situation(s) to take care of right now... and if I don't, it may be to late to fix it. Sorry, can't explain (there are four people that know what I am talking about,) and I would love to thank my real friend who agreed to help me with this.. as well as my other best friends :)

NOTE: Everyone I've talked to, thinks it's morally wrong THANK YOU VERY MUCH! When I come across someone that thinks otherwise, I'll let you know :)

NOTE 2: Obviously "this person" didn't see this as important so screw it, I'm gonna take matters into my own hands without them and get a ride where I need to go~ On Wednesday [dum dum dum.. Wednesday is Judgement day :-\] And yes, they deserve to be part of this choice.

[My heart was completely shattered by their response and especially their timing. This person should probably suffer the punishment of their ill choice. But, I'm probably too fucking nice to let them suffer for that but hey, I can dream to stand up to myself once in a while -eh? Yeah, and then they decide to do more to rip my heart out, thank you very much. And yes, that wasn't sarcastic. I'm pretty used to the feeling actually.]

NOTE 3: Unlike some individuals, I don't like to intentionally hurt others. When it comes down to it... whether the other person is willing to or not. Because I'm not gonna fool anyone into believing a bunch of lies, and I'm not gonna change my biography thing unless there is a circumstance in which I have too.

NOTE 4: Morals, in my opinion, are a set amount of standards in which one is to follow in order to obtain the type of person who they wanna be. It's sort of like goal in which one wants to act as a part of their personality...I wanna be the type of person who is more for others than for myself. So, if I think something is morally wrong (like hurting others..) I try to avoid that as much as I possibly can, even if I'm told to do so.

Yes, there are some things that are just "known" among human nature, especially centering around sex (gender.) It may not be exactly precise, but I can tell you an example: Girl gets pist if guy who's special to her forgets her bithday. See, not to hard to understand is it?

NOTE 5: I don't fucking know if you don't tell me.. unless I'm in your presence and can read it on your face or you make it so obvious it ain't even funny. Don't expect me to just automatically understand something when nothing is said or done at all, I'm not a psychic or mind reader.. so don't expect me to know as much as one would. Actions are loader than words..

I feel so selfish when I use I feel or I want. I know I've hurt others, and sometimes, time heals. But in other times, if I don't know what the other wants or feels, how am I supposed to know what direction to go in or feel? Yes, I consider how others feel but I am not one hundred percent sure if I don't know at all.

NOTE 6: There is a lot I am going through right now, even some things I don't know if I can handle. Long stories for other times. I apologize in advance if I am rude, cruel, bitchy, or just possess the qualities of Satan him/herself. I would be different under any circumstance(s,) but if/once you get to know me little better, you will know why I act the way I do :)

NOTE 7: As far as I knew, If I decide to omit unimportant areas of a story or I forget / realize I missed something and just go on anyway, and finally decide to tell the rest later, I'm still telling the truth. I dunno if I'm psycho for thinking that or there is just something messed in the minds of others lol

NOTE 8: Yes, I am again repeating the same pattern I did three years ago and probably will have to pay the exact same price again, which sucks! And yes, T.C. and all you know what I'm talking about.

NOTE 9: I can be happy and I can be optimistic, but this is how I vent, so your only reading about the [negative inclination] times etc. Sorry for my random notes. More to add later.

NOTE 10: Yes, it's true. I have been asking people to kill me. Everyone has said no so far which somewhat disappoints me but hey, there's nothing I can do about that. I love life, I just hate everything about it (especially emotion...) and I'm smart enouogh to know that it's out to screw you and everyone you care about over eventually.

NOTE 11: The tables turn when it happens to you. You can say it hurts you all you want but when you do it to someone else ten times over, "it's just life." Bull shit, and everybody knows it! Why would you treat someone like that after you've been through it and it hurt you so bad? Why would you do something like that to them and just say "it's life.." Think about that before you call anyone else selfish. [No, I'm not accusing of anyone who does that to be selfish.. and if you think I am, maybe I'm doing everything to contridict something but I'm actually telling the truth.] Think about that one.

NOTE 12: Yes, actions speak loader than words, and when there's nothing there, words can mean the world.. even if it's something so small. Yes, contridiction tries to destroy faith. Why do you think there are so many problems, as well as triumphs in religion and other aspects of life? Someone has to have amazing faith to believe after a tramatic event, and even more to believe in one after another.

I can tell you right now, I don't know if I believe anymore or not. I'm sorry, I knew at one time and now.. it's so cloudy and there's no forcast for Sunny days. I hope it's understandable...The way I feel hasn't changed a bit since I began feeling like I did and do, my faith that everything else is real, is clouded.

[NOTE 13:] You want to know the bloody truth about me? I have problems just like everyone else. And in pretty much all of my entires, when I say I, I mean everyone that's going through that situation uniting. I'm turning into exactly what I don't want to be. Maybe it's my fault I destroyed my life. Maybe my life in the first place was a horrible mistake. Either way, I'm still here shattered and surrendered to everything around me.

YES I ADMIT, I SURRENDOR TO EVERYTHING! Some BlEeSeD Individuals may think I am only talking about one thing in particular. Rather, I am talking about everything. They were all right and they better be fucking happy about it because I'm not. And that's probably what they intended in the first place.

I feel like broken glass cutting for bloody murder. Maybe pushing away is the solution, but I want to know everything is okay. I want to know that if I leave forever, everyone else will be taken care of.. (no, this isn't a suicide note/threat or anything of the sort.)

I feel like sorry isn't enough anymore. Sorry for this and Sorry for that when it's an honest mistake that is gonna burden me for the rest of my life. Reminders only haunt and again, I know I've hurt others. But nothing is going to heal if I don't know. That's why I think expression is so important. For those of you that don't express, I can't tell unless I'm around you. And sometimes, that's not even possible.

What is up with no forgiveness? If your not forgiven for your debts when you've never been more sorry and want to make everything better once again, then it's only more of a burden and the other person hurts also. Forgiveness does not come easy, and it doesn't always change the way things are. But it's a start to something that could be incrediable. I've been there, and I know what it's like.

NOTE 14: SOMETIMES, I GET PARANOID AND BECOME A BITCH BECAUSE I BEGIN TO LOOSE FATIH. WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SO RELAXED AT FIRST AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN DECIDE TO ACT COMPLETELY DIFFERENT? DESPITE WHETHER EVERYONE I KNOW KNOWS THAT OR NOT, THEY WON'T CARE. "IT'S LIFE.." RIGHT? JUST A LITTLE ASSURANCE OF FAITH WOULD COMPLETELY WIPE THE PROBLEM AWAY, OTHERWISE IT WILL GET WORSE. I CAN GUARANTEE THAT SOMETHING OF THIS SORT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE, WHICH IS WHY I'M WRITING ABOUT IT NOW. AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT IF A LITTLE ASSURANCE WAS PROVIDIDED TO PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THIS, PEOPLE WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS! AND EVEN THEN, IF THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT, THEY DON'T THINK ASSURANCE IS COMING.

Hey Everybody,

I changed my mind and decided to write entries here rather than on the other website. I'm here all the time anyway and those people reading that I don't want them to read, can anyway. They're all mad at me for so many reasons and it's nothing I can fix.. or in some cases, even caused in the first place.

My brain and emotions are running so fast I can't even function. First I'm feeling independent, then dependent, then alone, then supported, and then hates.. and loved and everything else there is too feel.

At first I thought there was no way in Hell what some people were saying were right. But as the source tells, and other's find out, more agree and I'm beginning to doubt myself in every way. I know I have strong faith but it's an army against a select few. I don't know what to think anymore... And I barely know what to even feel.

Sometimes, faith is telling me to hold on to the things I want so dearly.. and sometimes, it tells me to let go. I want to be with those I truly love, to have the freedom that I can have, and to be able to live without burden. Which in reality, is impossible. So I only ask for a slice of each one, along with strong faith, so I can survive for the next seventy to eighty years.

I admit, I've been going back to my old ways the last few days, which hasn't been really good. The same people that got me out of my old ways are now either pist, gone, or don't really give a shit whether I live or die. I pray I can get through it for those I truly love (and yes, you know who you are.)

I wish "someone" would take me in their arms and just tell me how wrong these people are and that I can have what I dream for. It's something I've been that I've been waiting forever for [not literally forever,] but you get the idea. It's a long story and I don't feel like explaining it.

The good thing is only two years till hopeful freedom and I got a job, which in some cases, can be a good thing. I want to elaborate about some things in particular.. but that's really no one's buisness.

Hey, my friend Jay wrote this for his girlfriend a long time ago. I just thought it was true and so I decided to post it. :) I truly believe this is what love is and when someone says "I love you," everything in the below passage will come true at one time or another *Happy Face*

Love is...
---------
Love is trusting each other with secrets no one else will ever know.
Love is being respectful enough to tell all secrets even if they seem to be hurtful to her.
Knowing that after every fight, when you admit that you knew she was right, she'll love you so much more.
Caring about her so much that you are willing to sacrifice all you have to spend just one more moment with her.
Showing the world how much you love her, no matter who disagrees with you.
Never wondering if you were wrong to choose her because you know in your heart that she is the only person who can ever make you truly happy.
Looking forward to spending the rest of your life with her because you never doubted the decision of being with her.
Feeling that your life is perfect when you have her in your arms.
Pouring your heart out into every kiss you give her.
Doing all the little things for her no matter how trivial they may seem, just for the romantism of doing them.
Seeing that look in her eyes and wanting to tell her everything about how you feel, but returning her gaze knowing all the words known to man could never express your love for or devotion to her.
Kissing away all her fears and holding her to comfort her, letting her know you will never let any harm come to her.
Doing all these things and more for her because of the person she is, not because of what she does or does not have or because of what other people think or say about her.
Doing these things because you know she is the only person for you, and that you can never find anyone to make you feel the way she makes you feel.

Love is so many things I cannot even begin to describe in any language, human or not. So I hope that I can make her understand how I feel through the kisses I give her and the way I hold her in my arms when words cannot express my emotions.