Hey Everybody...

I'm On My KneeS .x. BegginG .x. Please JusT KILL Me..

Jesus....

Just go to my Xanga

www.xanga.com/crazyangel0689

Hey Everybody~

I was "layout - ing" on Xanga and the site went down LOL. I think that's a sign for me to go to bed. You won't believe how freakin' excited I am about this layout.

It's my best creation by far lol! I have some phrasing at the top and then below that I have a custom module with 25 icons marcee-ing :-D then it goes down to my journal. On the left, there's four custom module boxes and on the right there's four. The first three on the left are my user information and the one on the bottoms is an unknown... probably pictures of my friends and what-not. On the right, the first one is information about me and a photo ;-) then it's my music video I have on there. The third one down is prolley gonna be shout outs or something and the last one... well, I'm not sure about that one yet LoL. Prolley random facts or something.

Then the background is really fucking awesome. You just have to see to believe. I admit I took some of the stuff from another site... like the basic stuff and added my own little "pizazz" to it because I HATE Brittany Spears photos and shit all over my layouts. I like actual meaning to them. OH YEAH, I forgot, I have a little phrase in the top bar thing (where it says ET: Your house...) on this site. I also want one on the bottom that kinda goes to different phrases and what not. It's gonna be AWESOME.

I think God is giving me a sign to go to bed by shutting down xanga lol!

Can't you tell that she's not breathing?

[What Does It All Mean Now...?]

Hey Everybody...

Have I been lied to [again..?]
Has the same thing happened, [again...?]
Is The same thing going to happen, [again...?]
Maybe it's just my paranoia
And Maybe Everyone Else Was Right...
And tat would be the worst thing of all.
Or Maybe It's My Own Destruction,
But Then Again...

GOD I can't even fucking talk about this anymore!

I decided I'm gonna keep my diary on www.xanga.com/crazyangel0689 so if your at all interested as to why I have moods or something on ET, just go there to find out lol.

I apologize for my mood but I'm more than slightly pissed off right now [(not to anyone who views this page or anything...)] but I can tell you someone is fucking [Dead] and I will personally go and kick their mother fucking ass because they need it! And I don't care if I'm small and their bigger than me because size doesn't matter, if someone is fucking pissed off enough, they can kick their ass... trust me~

And I doubt if I won't have a group following me because no one should do that fucking shit to another human being... he could have fucking killed someone because of his retardedness~ And yes, I'm the person I'm talking about. He could have fucking killed me and I swear to God he will regret doing that Mother fucking shit and there's NO WAY IN HOLY HELL I'm gonna allow the world to NOT Know about it when I'm holding that piece of paper.

That's all I can say for now... there's someone in particular (that's not the person I'm talking about right now) that's more important as in knowing what's going on and I need to tell him first before anyone else because of certain reasons I have...

NOTE: Cody did NOT ask me back out.... I was talking about another "Impossible decision" that I have

By the way, I think I just made a new friend ;-) More to come later.

Hey Everyone...

Haven't really made an entry lately.. I've been making them in like the twelve thousand other diaries I have lolz. I want to apologize because I haven't called a "special someone" yet but my Mom's phone isn't working because it doesn't have minutes (Gee, imagine that) and she should in the next few days when we get paid.

Lots has been going on lately and I want to let everyone know [I'm back...] and I've completely made "the impossible decision" about what Cody asked me so yeah... I love you Cody <3 [Hugs 'n Kisses.] It seems like I have like a million things to say to him [when I call] and there won't be enough time in the day to say everything lolz.

I want to say I'm sorry to all my friends on here that I just left suddenly without explaining why I was leaving... and was gone for months or so. I suppose now that [I'm back...] it's time for me to explain what happened in the months I was gone...

Basically what happened was COdy and I were talking about getting back together and all right after him and Sandra broke up (not actually but possibly...) and I said MAYBE it wasn't a good idea RIGHT NOW but I'll talk to my Mom again and see what happens. [The Next Night...] He's right back with Sandra again and we get into a HUGE FUCKING ARGUEMENT LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW... Then, I break contact with him saying I'll never speak to him again and this was WAY THE HELL BACK in September or something.

Anywayz, my heart was broken and the last time I went to this website (Cody was on there while we were arguing) he talked about how much he ["loved"] Sandra and all this other stuff so I left because:
1) I didn't wanna have it shoved into my face that he ran off with her the night after we were talking about the POSSIBILITY of us getting back together and me saying that I'm gonna continue to try etc. and that obviously wasn't good enough for him to wait for a few more days *which was NOT the impression he had... we've talked about it and all*
2) I figured the past would only repeat itself once again and he'd end up right where he started in the first place
3) I couldn't handle it at the time because there was just too much going on and I felt like my head was going to explode...

But things are going extremely well now and I don't see an end to that... I'm prolley gonna go to bed now lolz :-)

If you [anybody] wants to e-mail me... my address is CrazyAngel1793@yahoo.com and I usually check that every day in Computer Literacy lolz.

This describes EXACTLY how I am feeling right now about Cody [Except for the whole last part with the other person because he's NOT with Sandra now...]

Please don't forget about us...
My baby boy we just let it die with no good-byes.
Details don't matter because we both paid the price.
Every time I see you I pretend I'm fine when I wanna reach out to you but I turn and I walk and I let it ride...Tears fill my eyes.
Baby, I must confess we are bigger than anything.
Remember us at our best and don't forget about us.
Those late nights, playin' in the dark and walkin' up inside my arms.
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes...
You still want it so don't forget about us.
I'm just speaking from experience...
Nothing can compare to your first true love.
So I hope this will remind you... when it's for real it's forever.
So don't forget about us oh they can say that you're in a new relationship but we both know nothing comes close to what we had.
It preserves... that we both can't forget how good we used to get it.
There's only one me and you and how it used to shine no matter what you we went through.
We are one, that's a fact that you can't deny.
So baby we just can't let this fire pass by because forever we'd both regret it.
So please don't foget about us and if she's got your head all messed up now that's the trickery.
She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' between us used to be.
I bet she'll never be able to do like me... so baby don't let it go when it's real... it's forever so don't forget about us.

["Dont Forget About Us", Carrey]

This is where the deductive reasoning starts. Yeah, I did combine messages and I also omitted one of the messages in my diary entry. The coloring is because of the monitor and the blue line in the bottom right-hand corner is the bottom of the computer screen. I would have shown more but my camera doesn't fit that much.

More to come later, its too late and I have World History in the morning *bluh*

Wow... I read that last entry and realize how much has changed in my life and the lives of others. I don't really feel like updating right now but all I know is some people are being idiots and what-not so I don't know.

Toodles for now :)
~Angel

Ohh look who's reading my diary now... seems weird that Cody would read my diary entries considering he said himself he never read them unless I asked him to when we were going out. Anywayz, defense to exerts of his message:

[HIS MESSAGE:]
[I never did fucking promise you that I wouldn't touch another girl except you.. And no I didn't break my end by going out with someone else.. ]

MY DEFENSE:
CrazYAngeL0689: You know.. you were never gonna work things out with me in the first place
CrazYAngeL0689: So really, nothing has changed
CrazYAngeL0689: You'll never understand why I did it
skyline2340: um actually I was going to
CrazYAngeL0689: I wish you would, but your not going to
CrazYAngeL0689: Oh really when? After I die?
skyline2340: I don't want to the fact that you fucked him when you told me you weren't going to
CrazYAngeL0689: You know what
CrazYAngeL0689: You never promised yourself you weren't gonna do anything
skyline2340: yeah I have
CrAzYAnGeL0689: Cody, you never told me that...

That not only proves that he was going to work things out with me, but it proves that he did promise he wasn't gonna touch anyone else (including his girlfriend) but me. Who's twisting shit now?

[HIS MESSAGE:]
[I didn't only call you for sex.. get that through your head.. ]

MY DEFENSE:
Just because words come out of your mouth, doesn't mean they are reliable or truth. Your not a fucking Saint, no one else is either. Seriously Cody, what other times did you call me? NEVER! You only called me up on nights you wanted to have sex with me. What does that prove? Do you want me to get the fucking phone bill and calenders out to show you those too?

[HIS MESSAGE:]
[And I didn't sit there and say oh yeah you are everything to me and then go fuck another girl like you fucked your best friends boyfriend.. Damn you are so fucking stupid and so are your friends.. ]

MY DEFENSE:
I admit, you were everything to me and what I did was terrible. But when you ONLY CALL on nights you wanna have sex, say your gonna work things out with me and go out with Sandra, say your in love with me then leave when things go wrong, call me a retarded bitch (combination of things you've called me,) and so much more, then seriously how am I supposed to feel? After we broke up, you were never there, what does that prove? People that love each other don't do things like that. I admit, people who love each other don't do things like I did either but ever since the day I said I love you... I have tried to do nothing but to prove to you that I was telling the truth. I admit, I probably did a piss-poor job at it, but I tried my hardest. Plus, if you really did love me, you did shit to me to and you still "love(d)" me... I'm just SOOO SORRY that when we go down the drain because of you leaving, I found somebody else that was actually there for me and gave a shit. Plus, they weren't going out when things happened between us... so the whole boyfriend thing is bullshit, like I've said numerous times before... And, Just like you said... the world isn't fair.

[HIS MESSAGE:]
[I went out with someone else when I was single.. ]

MY DEFENSE:
Okay.. you went out with someone when you were single? Let's evaluate this. Something happened between me and someone else when we were both single. So why are you sending me messages pissing and moaning about it? Obviously you have some type of reason Cody, so bring it on.

[HIS MESSAGE:]
[Grow up and quit talking to Sandra]
[I don't give a fuck just leave me alone and leave sandra alone and all your little friends too because they aren't shit and they can't do shit to me.. So for now on fuck off]

MY DEFENSE: Okay, since when have I talked to Sandra... And GROW UP? What the hell is that? I'm more grown up than both of you. At least I don't go around calling people hoes and bitches that I don't even know. You at least somewhat know me (as far as I know,) but obviously your mad for some fucked up reason because why would you even care what I do if you don't care about me and you have no emotional obligation to me, like you've said SO MANY TIMES BEFORE! If you don't give a fuck, then why the hell you sending me messages? If you want me to leave you alone so bad, why are you sending me something in which you KNOW I'm gonna say something about? Excuse me Cody, your not God and your not Jesus, something or someone that lives on this Earth CAN HURT YOU lol.

P.S. I'm sure everyone who has heard the COMPLETE story (all that I know plus my point of view,) will be happy to know they are shit and you don't give a fuck... not that they think too highly of you in the first place. Believe me, I know exactly how much you remember of things, why would I purposely leave things that may make me appear bad if I know they're going to be included later on anyway by your half of the story... which isn't even complete.

[Cody, I know your smart enough to know that our points of view are completely different on this matter because you don't see my point of view through my eyes and I don't see yours. In laymen terms, neither of us have the story from the other's point of view. Of course, who's omniscient in the decision varies depending on what your talking about because I can't see through your point of view either. So, there's really no way anyone can "win" anything completely. So don't call my truth shit unless you can see from my point of view in which you don't fucking know.]

[HIS MESSAGE:]
[so get the fuck over it *Later on*....stop talking to me and about me...]

MY DEFENSE:
Well, obviously you guys haven't stopped talking about me or neither of you have "gotten over it." After all, Sandra is talking shit about me and your sending me messages calling me psycho. And yes Cody, learn how to spell psycho. Why would you expect me to do something you guys can't even do yourselves?

[HIS MESSAGE:}
[*Insert Person's Name Here That I Was With* keeps talking shit he will die and you know I am not affraid to put a bullet through his head..]

MY DEFENSE:
Hun, psycho people are the one's that threaten to kill or have someone else killed and so much more. As far as I know, I've never said that about anyone in a serious fashion just like you did. So before you call me a psycho bitch, look in the mirror and see who's threatening to kill people over absolutely nothing.



Do You Want Me To Go On

OMG SETH I LOVE YOU (Not like that though...)

Okay, so Seth and I were talking in the car about Cody and some very powerful and correct words came out of his mouth. Of course, this isn't an exact quote because it was longer than this, so paraphrasing is imperative lol.

"Okay, so he says he loves you then after you guys break up he calls you for sex.. still saying that he loves you? And he throws a fit because you decide to go off with someone else when he's been with someone else for a while (sexual or non-sexual for either of you...) Even if you had a bargain and broke it, he broke his end when he went out with that girl... even if he didn't tell you till that night that he had promised himself that he wouldn't touch anyone else. He obviously is going to touch her eventually...it's his GIRLFRIEND, the one above it ALL! Then, he comments about how you guys have no emotional obligation to each other and he promised never to touch another girl or make love to someone else but you? Well, that's contridtory right there. **Someone doesn't know what they're talking about** [Plus, Why throw a fit if you have no emotional obligation?] Why even be mad at all... about anything?"

"I know you were mad because you still felt like he had an emotional obligation to you.. with the whole virginity thing and all. But, if he said those words... he has no right to be mad about anything, unless he was lying. In which case, he shouldn't be going out with someone else because if he's emotionally obligated to you... he should be secluded to you."

In summary, that's the extreme summarized and collective opinion among everyone who's read my journal and e-mailed me about it, talked to me at school or work, etc. Thank you people! [Maybe I'm not the only person on the planet that believes this way...]

Hey,

Honestly.. why the hell would I write about Cody being loyal and you two together then... and completely change my mind now when nothing has changed between that time and this time?

That not only makes no sense... but I was drunk and I didn't even know what the fuck I was saying. I have never tried to convince you and Cody to break up before that night and I know you know that.

[You know what else makes no sense... calling people stupid hoes if you have NO clue where they've been or how they got there. If your gonna call me a hoe (and your reasoning is in the sexual genre..) your man has been with seven more people than I have, based on a guestimate when I asked him how many people he's been with EARLY in our relationship. However, unlike you, I'm not gonna sit here and make nasty comments about YOU and act like a child when I obviously don't know enough about you to be saying much of anything...]

Plus, why would I waste my time trying to break you two up? I don't want to be with him and I told you one of the main reasons why last night. The other main reason why would be that he played me (as you have so obviously stated in your description.) I never thought so until you said that so thank you for prooving everyone's comments right all along.. I don't understand why anyone would wanna be with someone that's played them or other people. Then, how do you know they're not playing you?

Hey,

I can honestly say my mood, about me going "straight to hell," couldn't be more true now than it ever has been in the past.

Today at lunch, my friends brought up the whole me being "different" thing than I was just a few months ago. I could admit that it's completely true and it seems like I'm doing things I thought that only horrible / cursed people would even think about doing.. *grrs on self*

I've been illoyal, dishonest, and so much more. I want to take it all back and do it all over again.. but I can't. I'm beginning to ask myself why I keep screwing up the most cherished things that I have some sort of grasp on. I've hurt so many, it's not even funny. *Hits self with steak* Yes, I'm willing to hit myself with a piece of raw meat.

I sooo deserve punishment, and sometimes I wish I would recieve something horrible because frankly, I deserve it. I mean, I'm really only talking about a few particular things, but still. And I am NOT talking about regreting what happened last night.. the people that know what I'm talking about, are the only ones that should know.

Yet sometimes, I imagine some people in particular just putting their arms around me and say that it's normal to commit things like that, because everyone makes mistakes. But sometimes, I feel like I've made mistakes beyond any recollection. I hope that they tell me that everything will be okay and that everyone is gonna be fine..

[I'm more concerned about making everyone else unhappy, rather than making myself unhappy. I suppose I've always been that way. If everyone knew what I've done within the last few months, I would have some people that would feel absolutely horrible and even worse than that. I even think some people would go to the extent of suicide because I've caused them so much pain. I wish I could just take their pain away, and even if I had to possess it, and they would be happy, it would totally be worth it... even if it's too much to handle.]

Just GRRR I feel like just running in a dark whole for a while, I realized what I had and I fucked it up beyond any type of belief. Hopefully, tomorrow.. I will be able to talk it out with him. I don't know though, I think he's busy and I work so I guess I'll know tonight :-\

I figured I need to prioritize and figure out why I'm committing these acts, rather than whether I've committed them or not. I know there has to be a reason, and for some of them, I know the reasons... it's irreversable. But sometimes, I look back and I'm like "why in holy hell did I do that to them?" or "Why the fuck did I do that to myself?"

I feel like I've done just more than make others unhappy, but I've lowered myself to a standard where I really shouldn't be. I'm allowing myself to be used and betrayed and everything else.. and I'm allowing that behavior to continue for certain reasons. And then when someone in particular comes across and totally isn't about that, I break their promises and committ more aweful acts.

I honestly deserve the title of the worst girl in the entire world. And I'm not even joking... not even close to joking at all. I do admit, I was lucky for a while there.. but now I'm just cursed. Why does all this bad stuff happen to me?

I've done so much and lost so much and gained so much. I mean, I know it's all part of the "circle of life.." But COME ON, I even screw up the good parts. I always read stories and wish that would happen to me, and when I finally have the chance of a lifetime, I fuck it up and end up in the worst situations possible, falling for the best people in the entire world under the worst circumstances, and making myself out to be an ass like usual.

ARG.. again, I am going to talk to him and just tell him everything, the reason why I do it, what's happened to me, what I've done.. everything and anything. I know he would be willing to listen to me and help me. He's just that type of guy, and you don't come across those people anymore. It's so rare, that when you do come across someone like that, it means everything to you. I hope I just don't screw this up more than I already have...

I Am So Sorry Everyone...I Would List Names And Reasons, But It's Too Private.

[Hey Everybody]

I would consider this to be one of the most important entries in my entire diary. I just had a huge realization tonight because of a question I was asked last night by a special someone. It got me thinking about a lot of things and here's my imcomplete answer that applies to everyone in this situation:

I noticed that when two people are in love, they are willing to do a whole hell of a lot to be with each other, despite how much pain they have to go through, and even if everything is destroyed between them but that everlasting love.

But there comes a time where You will always love them and they will always mean the world to you, but you will not always be happy being with them.. And looking at other people as well as myself, I noticed that's more true now, than I ever believed it to be before.

[I sometimes wish I could be the noble one and step up to say, "I love you and wanna be with you more than anything in the whole world, but just our love cannot last forever... There's companionship and faith and trust and everything else good in this world. Some of these things, we do not possess, despite how much I wish we did. I always wish I could wave a wand and we would live happily ever after until the end of all time. But in reality, I am strong enough to know that it cannot occur out of magic. I know love isn't perfect, and it requires work, but some work is beyond repair..." ]

["And I can confess that my heart is broken beyond repair, but this is more than just love. We have tried just true and pure love, and it only led us both to more hurt, sorrow, despair, and horror. I wish I could take all your pain away, even if I had to die a thousand deaths. I hope you can understand that I'm doing this for both of us. Because, although, the feeling will always be there, we will be only living half a life if we are not happy, I am happy around you, but so many things get in the way, and I know that maybe one day, we can be together, but right now, I'm living half a life with everything around me."]

I mean, one may think these statements are not true at first sight, but imagine if the feeling was all you had. One would argue and cheat and everything else to satisfy the feelings that arnt being satisfied in the relationship itself. And that's not what one wants to do to someone they truly love... one would only hurt them more than anyone could ever imagine.

I mean, I'm not saying it's what I would want to do (as in not be with them anymore,) but I don't know if I could thrive forever on just the feeling alone and not have any other factors, despite how strong it is. Yes, I admit, I would want to be with them and just be carefree for all eternity, but when dream turns into reality, I realize that everything does not go by what one plans, and sometimes, more is needed than just the true emotions.

I know I'm going all over with this, but I hope you understand what I'm talking about. It's hard to realize if your in the relationship itself and some people are not strong enough to stand up and say the truth... they only want to hide behind the feeling and pretend everything will be okay forever.

NOTE: About 90% of this entry is not about Cody and I's previous relationship... this is more directed towards anyone in this type of situation

Hey,

I'm like all *grr at self* lolz. I wrote this awesome thing last night and my computer deleted it. I took another shot at remembering everything I wrote (the order was important,) and it just wasn't the same. So I guess it's all cool. It was running through my head all day along with my favoritist songs and what-not. I'm surprised at how much can actually run through my head in the course of a day :-\

Anywayz, here's my third attempt at what I was trying to write last night.

Is The Heart Still Broken If It's Invisible?
Are Tears Still Cried If No One Sees?
Are You Still Living If Your Dead Inside?
As You Plead For Life On Your Bloody Knees.

Does Life Still Go On When The World Stops?
Is Someone Still Screaming If Only A Smile Shows?
Are You Still Dying If Your Invisible?
As You Try To Overcome The Oppressive Woes.

Can One Live Without The Love Of Another?
Can One Live Without Emotion At All?
Attempting to Live A Lifeless Life.
As They Continually Stumble And Fall.

Is The Heart Still Broken If It's Invisible?
Are Tears Still Cried If No One Sees?
Are You Still Living If Your Dead Inside?
As You Plead For Life On Your Bloody Knees.

Does The Room Still Close In If You Have Freedom?
Is Life What It Really Seems?
Is There A Difference Between Dream And Reality?
As Your Mind And Emotion Begin To Decieve.

Is The Heart Still Broken If It's Invisible?
Are Tears Still Cried If No One Sees?
Are You Still Living If Your Dead Inside?
As You Plead For Life On Your Bloody Knees.