So, I told Stacie my secret and I told her she could tell one person in particular but NO ONE ELSE! I'm really trusting her with this because otherwise, I'm screwed lol.
I forgot... there's my quote of the day </3
Hey Everybody~
OMG Today was... weird! I was somewhat content in the morning to wake up to Stacie's phone call. I'm still confused, heartbroken, healed, and everything else there is to feel at the same time. Man, wouldn't it be nice if we were older...
But, at this point in time, I saw something can just can't stop smiling. My heart like lept from my chest when I seen it.... and I don't even know why. It was like, "OMG, that was SOOOO sweet!" I can't even say what it is either... I think I found the missing componet in it [:::AlL:::]
But the thing is, I can't smile like that about it. It's just against the "code". It's something I cannot do even if I want to (which I want to right now) and it's something I cannot pursue in ANY way. I have to keep my cool and just flow with it. I can't show that I'm feeling the least bit or bad things will happen. Perhaps I will tell a close friend, perhaps I will not. That will come later.
Should I allow myself to smile about it, should I allow my heart to skip a beat realizing it... or should I just tuck it away and pretend it never happened? What am I to do..? God, this is such a hard decision. I can never make things like this on my own and the harder part of it all is, I can't show that I'm facing a decision like that. It's really weird.
For now, I think I will just tuck it away and pretend it never happened, but I will think about it from time to time :-). I think in my thoughts, I will label it as "something that makes me smile when a lot of other things are dark.." and that's a pretty hard category to get into so I suppose the event / person / whatever I'm talking about (which is for me to know and you to find out..) should feel extremely privledged in all aspects.
AH, I just smiled about it AGAIN. Why do I have to always do this? As soon as I think everything MAY be content, it messes up again. OMG I am smiling and I don't even want to right now! RAWR~ Why am I doing that? I'm actually showing teeth, I NEVER SHOW TEETH I haven't done this in SO LONG! Why... WHY does it have to be under these circumstances?
OMG my heart just skipped, what the hell is going on? I haven't felt this way about anything or anyone besides [.x. him .x.] in ages. OMG...Rescue me! OMG, I can't even stop saying OMG! Why is this consuming my mind right now? OMG... I just smiled again. I'm telling myself to NOT smile but, I CAN'T! It's pissing me off, I want to stop smiling about this DAMNIT!
STOP SMILING... and I can't! FUCK, this is gonna SUCK later on when people ask me what's going on and I can't stop fucknig smiling so they figure it out! FUCK... I CAN'T do this and yet I'm being a FUCKING MORON and doing it anyway. It's fucking been there ALL ALONG, WHY didn't I just LOOK!? Jesus, I couldn't just look over two feet in front of me rather than two feet northeast of me and SEE! God, What the HELL am I doing? I must have been an idiot to not fucking see this!
Hey Everybody~
Should I just act indifferent now? What am I to do... obviously my fucking life was ripped apart and what's frustrating is, it's not even me who's doing it.
Others don't realize their simply lying when they say they're TrYinG to HelP me, because there the ones DestroyinG me.
I feel like everything is just repeating itself. Just like with Cory, everyone loved him after he did what he did, same thing with Scott and fucking Kevin. It's like people LOVE to see me be ripped apart like a lion would rip apart a little piece of meat. How heartless are people around here to just be all happy and shit that other people can be raped and abused and everything else...even their fucking heart literally ripped out.
I loose, everyone else wins... woohoo for me. Question is, can I build myself again? And I think my Rapid-Cycling isn't helping the situation... especially since I am an untreated Bipolar.
YEAH I SAID IT OKAY! I'm Bipolar... whoever wants to run off because they think I'm crazy then GO! I don't care anymore because it's just a chemical inbalance and I'm not crazy. I know I'm not crazy, people who truly know me know I'm not crazy. So, whatever... okay?
Not to mention, I had a dream where someone just stood there in front of me and ripped my heart out. And the other person, who own my fucking heart, was just standing there smiling about it. I concluded that it's fear that I'm dreaming rather than what's really going to happen. At this point though, how do I know that's not really going to happen? Yeah, I don't.... so whatever.
I don't feel like talking about this anymore....so, yeah.
Its so ironic how [b.e.s.t. f.r.i.e.n.d.s.] just slip and they become [e.n.e.m.i.e.s.] so damn quick One wrong phrase could cost them [y e a r s] make the p e r f e c t friendship go down in [t.e.a.r.s.]
I never logged into your account unless you asked me or I told you because it's not cool otherwise. And your right, I wouldn't like that (I looked back into my archives today to see what THAT THING said to everyone....)
I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry Stacie.. and I'm getting her computer so fucked up she'll never be able to hack ANYONE again.
[This Was Pasted From My Xanga...Yes, MY Fucking Xanga You Skank...]
Hello Everyone~
I'm back... and quite surprised. I went on ET and saw everything about it had changed. I was like, "WHY THE HELL IS ALL MY SHIT CHANGED?" The ET description is what I did want, but it was stored in my Xanga as a private entry....Then, I came to Xanga because that's where I store absolutely everything and realize it was tampered with also... due to the fact =someone= got into my entries and took the ET description, I added two and to together. I'm checking the rest of my "spaces" right now.
And I would like to give a big holla out to Michelle because she needs to fucking die. I'm keeping my promise and I'm showing Jerry the video tape, I'm showing him the tape recording, The computer conversations of you going off with your other guyfriends and doing whatever the fuck you want, and everything else. He's my friend, and I won't allow this treatment any longer. You told me you changed, and you didn't... so it's too late.. I'm also showing him that your a fucking prostitute and your little "double life.." Yeah, you pushed me over the line this time you whore and I'm not going to tolerate it. I told you to stay away from me... and you didn't think I was being serious.
You not only used our program to fuck my computer up, but you used it to trace all the passwords and hack into my accounts. Your lucky that I still have connections with Vanilla or I would be over there right now (I would just take the car and go...) I can look up names in the phone book. Vanilla got my passwords back that I've been trying to get until 7 o ' clock or so and I finally got them. Took me a few hours but I'm back. Now, she's going to put security on all my accounts, passwords and all. I shouldn't have to do that but your worthless ass couldn't keep your nose where it belongs. I'm also messing your computer the fuck up... that will be my little project for tonight.
You were in a relationship and he fucking loves you. I don't know how you could even do that to someone you love. Oh wait, you don't love him, do you? Your in love with that freak from California! That was inhumaine of you, to say the least.
But, you saw the pictures today. That will be the last time we will have any type of transmission, and I guarentee you will not hack me this time. I got Vanilla on my side... and she's better than both of us combined. God bless Vanilla. (I call her Vanilla because we only know each other online and I don't know her real name...)
You saw what happened when Darren and I got into a fight. You may not have literally been there but you were on the telephone and you heard what he did to me. You heard what he said and you heard my reponse. I may have taken a hit or two, but he got bloody mauled. Especially when I took the frying pan to his face. That right there can be a definition of showing you love someone, you know what Darren and I got into the fight about, and you know that he was being a selfish jackass. BUT, I did it because I love him... and he shouldn't be talked about that way by people who don't even know who he is. JUST LIKE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS... SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Which, he also said too since I got back on MY Yahoo...
I did look in the message archives... and if you honestly think that Cody and I belong together, I applaud you. Your not the only one around here that thinks that... seems how everyone is telling me that lately. Now that we all know the truth... or at least some of us know parts of the truth. But that gave you no excuse to do what you did. And I'm not even going to thank you for that because I don't even want to speak of you again!
I am going to paste this in ET because everyone deserves to know how much of a worthless piece of shit you really are. Oh and by the way, Stay the fuck away from people I know. You had NO FUCKING RIGHT to hack into Stacie's account WHAT-SO-EVER! Even if you did send me that message to try to help me realize, "Cody's an ass and la la la" it was still wrong and I hate you for that along with everything else.
That is yet another reason why I'm gonna fuck your computer up... so you can't get online and mess with people like this anymore. I never used my skills to take advantage with people and just mess with their lives. You fucking crossed the line with it... I used it to help people and you just fucking are a bitch. I think you need to go take a fucking pill or something because you belong in the mental institution.
Good-Bye Michelle....
Hey Everybody...
I'm Going To Follow Through With What One Of The Things I Wanted Last Night...
I Hope No One Misses Me ToO Much...
There In My Room (Under My Bed,) And Stored On My Xanga If Anyone Is So Desperate To Know. Michelle Knows The Password If You Want To Get Into My Xanga...
And She Has The Password To Everything Else Too, So She Might Come On Here From Time To Time.
I </3 You.. [You Know Who You Are]
And Good-Bye To Everyone Else
Shelby told me to post that. I am just hitting copy and paste from her list of instructions but I realized I didn't add my own two sense (and if you know me,) then you know I have to always have the last word.
Well, I found everything out...I found out the truth about it all.
Not that it really helps now.
I have the conversations SITTING HERE
Proving the information that I've been simply worrying about all along.
[I Knew That Wasn't All Simply Nothing At All]
And the one thing that I thought was a gift from God, ended up being the devil in disquise.
I want to thank you for ending my life in pain...
Okay that it!
Who the FUCK is scamming the shit out of me? I have the same fucking four people saying the same things and just...along with the fact what they say is parallel to what's really going on.. BUT, it's not something I am believing or would like to believe at ANY point in time.
I'm sick of everyone getting pist at me for things they don't even know about and don't try to take time to find out... I'm so sick of being blammed and punished because my mind is CONSTANTLY being picked at by EVERYONE because I'm upset over things they again, DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
It's taking everything I have not to just rip into every mother fucker I see right now. I've had one person who enlightened me but cannot provide me with what I need (not that I believe that at this point...), one person hounding me the ENTIRE NIGHT, and now Stacie is just poofing away because I got upset over what the other two were saying for the past weeks....
I'm trying to be fucking nice here and I'm just getting my head ripped off for it.
***All you see are my upset outbursts, you don't live my life and know what happens for me to even become upset in the first place...***
~~EDIT~~
I feel like a fucking drunk-ass IDIOT! JESUS CHRIST... Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I just erase all the things I've been told by everyone and just care about what's real. Why can't I just have a red flag telling me: "This person is lying to you about this... and this person is telling the truth BECAUSE"
Stacie wants to leave and I don't want her too... I care about her and I just wish she would just hear me out. I started to tell her about what I've been told and exactly the REAL REASONS why I have my little outbursts (which is more than what it appears...) and she completely tripped out on me.
I was just trying to let her know the holes that had been going on so we could actually talk about it and I was being completely serious (even though she thought I had utter sarcasm...)
I need to hear Cody's voice right at this instant. It calms me down and I can sit there and just talk to him and tell him what is really going on. I was going to do that tonight but I didn't have the chance to and I just... it upset me because I need to talk to him about everything. He told me we were going to talk about it and we didn't.
I need to tell him why I was upset... and it's just one thing coming off another which started with one thing and if I just sat there and explained everything that happened, maybe he would understand and could help me out a bit.
I don't want to ruin things.... and I know I just did tonight by making joking comments (sometimes not joking) and getting hounded then get pissy because I'm getting hounded.
You just have no idea...
Hey Everybody...
I'm On My Knees
.x. Begging .x.
PleasE
JusT
KILL Me..
Hey Everybody...
I'm On My KneeS .x. BegginG .x. Please JusT KILL Me..
Jesus....
Just go to my Xanga
www.xanga.com/
Hey Everybody~
I was "layout - ing" on Xanga and the site went down LOL. I think that's a sign for me to go to bed. You won't believe how freakin' excited I am about this layout.
It's my best creation by far lol! I have some phrasing at the top and then below that I have a custom module with 25 icons marcee-ing :-D then it goes down to my journal. On the left, there's four custom module boxes and on the right there's four. The first three on the left are my user information and the one on the bottoms is an unknown... probably pictures of my friends and what-not. On the right, the first one is information about me and a photo ;-) then it's my music video I have on there. The third one down is prolley gonna be shout outs or something and the last one... well, I'm not sure about that one yet LoL. Prolley random facts or something.
Then the background is really fucking awesome. You just have to see to believe. I admit I took some of the stuff from another site... like the basic stuff and added my own little "pizazz" to it because I HATE Brittany Spears photos and shit all over my layouts. I like actual meaning to them. OH YEAH, I forgot, I have a little phrase in the top bar thing (where it says ET: Your house...) on this site. I also want one on the bottom that kinda goes to different phrases and what not. It's gonna be AWESOME.
I think God is giving me a sign to go to bed by shutting down xanga lol!
Can't you tell that she's not breathing?
[What Does It All Mean Now...?]
Hey Everybody...
Have I been lied to [again..?]
Has the same thing happened, [again...?]
Is The same thing going to happen, [again...?]
Maybe it's just my paranoia
And Maybe Everyone Else Was Right...
And tat would be the worst thing of all.
Or Maybe It's My Own Destruction,
But Then Again...
GOD I can't even fucking talk about this anymore!