[.x. Living Nightmare .x.]'s diary
Status Of The Lines...
Dyrak: -100 Feet
Cody: +1555555555555
I'm Such A Fucking Pushover!!!
.x. HeY EverybodY .x.
Last night was [::WILD::] lol.. but I'm going to try to make this entry fairly attractive just like me :-D.
Because, Despite What .x. YOU .x., [.:My Dear:.], May BelievE, I Won'T Be Here ForeveR
You [.:My DeaR:.], Just Don't Realize
What Can Disappear In A BlinK Of An EyE
"Dont Mourn, Rejoice [.x.Every Time.x.] You Hear The Sound Of My Voice,"
"Just Know That I'm Lookin' Down On Your Smiling Always"
"And I Didn't Feel A Thing,"
"So Baby, Don't Feel No Pain... Just Smile Back"
Even Though, I'm Faking All The Way Though...
But, This [.:My DeaR:.] Is Something You Already Know
As I Lie [.o.DyinG.o.],
I'm Wondering Why I Must [~BleeD~] At All,
For You [.:My DeaR:.] Could Have...
Simply SaveD Me From It AlL
Rejoice E.v.e.r.y.T.i.m.e You Hear The Sound Of My VoicE
Hey Everybody~
Yeah, I’m in IR again…. I just finished all my Math homework so that’s good . I’m completely caught up in call my classes now. Mrs. Rhodes (my Pre-Calc teacher) was surprised that I actually got caught up this quickly. After all, it’s only been a few days. A lot is up as usual and I think I may or may not have screwed myself out of so many things that I wanted…. Fuck me lol.
BCGC:
I talked to Zoie a while ago about all the updates for BCGC. She said that Sarah was dropping and there’s an alto spot in Octavio. I really want that spot although I don’t think I will get it because I haven’t been there in quite some time. It’s just that I couldn’t sing because of my throat so I didn’t figure there was a point in going if I couldn’t sing my best and not mess everyone else up lol. Next year there is only going to be one soprano spot open and since I’m a first alto, my chances for that spot are extremely slim. However, I will be the only senior that’s not in Octavio so it’s not like I don’t deserve that spot. I’m trying and everything… I know it’s not matching up right now but when everything is in tip-top shape, it will be okay again J.
It ends up I have to take this new medicine four times a day so my throat will remain clear. My doctor also said that I have to drink AT LEAST half my body weight in water (2-3 20oz. bottles) so that’s just great! I suppose I will have to carry bottled water with me all the time now just so they will stay clear. Some else did bring up the fact that I could possibly be allergic to cats and that’s why my sinus’ cavities have been flaring up more than usual over the last few months or so. I don’t know though…. I suppose time will only tell. I have been taking the medicine for two days now and everything is working out fine and dandy so far so I suppose that is good.
WORK:
I am rejoiced that Marshall is gone for six weeks... He broke his fingers or something and has to go to a store that’s "less busy" so he doesn’t have to perform Managerial duties, although he doesn’t do crap already. He’s just extremely lazy and it bothers me. Well, he ended up getting fired only a week after he left (I have been writing this entry over the last few days...) because when he went over to Kalamazoo, a once "perfect" store had money coming up missing every day during the second deposit (the only deposit that Marshall does). So, they canned him and Cathy is our new Assistant Store Manager. I always wondered why they left the "Now taking applications for assistant Managers" on the sign even when Marshall was still there.
Scott got written up again because he threw a temper tantrum and ran outside and got hit by a van…. Well, more like in-conduct and insubordinatio
I was getting faced with getting fired because my cash-drawer was $50.00 short during Marshall’s shift. However, Chris (The DM) and Shawn (The GM) both know that I don’t steal money because I know I’ll just get caught anyway…. seems how every time money is out of my drawer, it always ends up being the Manager that’s stealing. The first time, it was Steve… the second it was John… and this time it was Marshall. At least it wasn’t like two-hundred dollars or so that Steve took lol. It was only $50.00 this time.
I also got offended because he (Marshall) sat there and told me straight up I am slow on drive-thru. Excuse me asshole, what world did you come from? I run the best times in the entire store. I’m not trying to be an asshole or anything about it or sound like I’m better than everyone else but I’m the fastest drive-thru person. It didn’t used to be me until all the fast people quit. I mean, Erica is still there but she only knows how to do the sandwiches, she doesn’t know how to work the register.
I have all the numbers memorized and I can memorize orders in my head like Seth can do… but he’s a Manager over at Columbia. I also sat there and made 12 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers and the timer only went up to like a 120. Even the fast people run a 170 average OR MORE, depending on how long they’ve been over at drive-thru. He’s just a moron… he like HAS to put me on Grill when I’m there because supposedly that’s the only position I know how to do. I just wanna cuss him out because I know how to do more than a lot of those people around there because most of them are new. I HATE HIM…..
I’m not exactly sure how much I should be talking about work anymore or not because one of my friends got fired for talking about her work (which was also fast-food) on Livejournal. I don’t really think they’re checking mine out though. Everything I say is true so I don’t really understand why everyone would be freaking out by finding out the ‘behind the scenes" crap. There’s a secret to everything… jeez lol.
SCHOOL:
So, I think things with that are coming back up. I have a B now in Math so that’s good…. Especially for Pre-Calculus. I still have a test to make up though so I hope everything will be good with that. As for Advanced Lit, we had to take our test today over Tragic Hero + Macbeth… I didn’t do too well on that part but yeah, I still have the Imagery and what-not to take so lets see how that goes. Always gotta stay positive lol.
As for Chemistry, that class has just went down the drain….maybe lol
[I'm not sure if that turned out or not but if it didn't.. it's supposed to be saying I got a 50% on my Chapter III test when I have A's in pretty much everything else]
I’m upset because my grade in ANY class has NEVER been that low AT ALL. ESPECIALLY on tests… I have NEVER failed a test. The lowest grade I have gotten is like a 71% and the class had to retake it because I had the highest grade. But, we retook it and I got a 92%. I went in there to talk to Mrs. Erwin and it ended up it was all because I didn’t know how to write electronic configurations of atoms AND I didn’t understand the orbital of atoms. I understand that now because she showed me both of them AFTER I got the test back… real useful then lol. She did say that she thinks I’m smarter than this though so that’s good. She was positive I will do extremely well on the next test because most of it is Math lolz.
By the way, I have to take the ACT in a few weeks. I am do screwed on the Math parts though because it’s all Pre-Algebra and what-not which is stuff I did in like uh, seventh grade. I’m in Pre-Calc now and I don’t remember hardly any of it. I really hope that the Science – Reasoning portion saves my ass otherwise, I’m screwed. I’m getting really pressed about this and just, I don’t know. I know it’s important and all but just… whatever. The ACT will just put me over the top in things I need to worry about right now.
WORK (Social Aspect):
Yeah, I think Kim totally hates me now because
I Suppose More To Come Later...
~Angel
So, I told Stacie my secret and I told her she could tell one person in particular but NO ONE ELSE! I'm really trusting her with this because otherwise, I'm screwed lol.
I forgot... there's my quote of the day </3
And She Spills The Secrets Of Her Heart...
Hey Whoever Reads This Thing,
It's 9:51 P.M. and I've had a horendous day, preceded by sixteen years of absolute misery. It's hard to not believe everyone else around you when your life is playing a tape and you see all your nightmares are coming true. I want my life to end, and I have wanted that for quite some time. I don't have another appointment with Dr. Z until March 17, and since I'm rapid cycling... I don't even know if I'm gonna last till March 17 and right now, I don't know if I want to last that long.
When you look at me, you see a girl with light blue eyes, dark brown hair, and you can tell that I cover-up whatever I have inside. But, I'm going to write about all that now because no one leaves me with a choice.
But Spilling About The DREAM:
Cody came and rescued me from my Mother's BITCHING about how Cody hates me and Stacie just wants Cody because they spend 24/7 together (which Cody and Stacie do spend 24/7 together but ...whatever) And Cody took me aside and told me what was really in his heart, which is what I prayed would be all along. It was right around sunrise because it took him all night to get here... there was a light dusting of dew on the ground and it was late September. I could feel it because I felt older, like I had just turned eighteen. Everything was tranquil outside, almost like a storm wiped through the night before and Mother nature was calm after it had rawred it's power. At that point, everything fell into place and I know where my life was going. It was like all my problems melted away and all the pain wasn't felt in vein.
Cody said he loved me and that he was sorry for everything that he put me through... that all he wants is for us to be together because he realized that I'm the one for him because I'm true and real and everything else fine and dandy . He also told me that this is where his promise came in about how everything will be alright. That dream was sureal, and I felt happy until later on today.... which just fucked everything up. I mean, I woke up and had tears coming out of my eyes. It was absolutely unreal; the first dream in a long time that made me happy.
Now, I suppose I have to spill about TODAY:
My Mom has been pressing on me ever since she found out that Stacie went down to Indiana. I've been sitting here telling her that it's not all just a scam against me and everything is in good-fun. But, she's been pressing on me more and more and I'm letting it get to me. I wish I wouldn't but with days like today, it's HARD to believe everything she tells me...
"Shelby your worthless because your friends don't care enough to give you five minutes to call you back."
"Shelby, all Cody ever did to you was lie because he's spending 24/7 with this other girl..."
"Shelby, you need to fucking die because your just a waste of space and your too pure-hearted to live in the 'real world'..."
"Shelby, Stacie is lying to you..."
"Shelby, you know Dyrak and them are just going against you because it's against YOU.... and it is PERSONAL."
"Shelby, no one cares about you and BLAH BLAH BLAH"
"Shelby.."
"Shelby..."
"Shelby..."
Yes, it's more than just slightly upsetting to hear that all day every day, ESPECIALLY TODAY, because they couldn't give me five to call me back. It's upsetting that when you call back, they don't even pick up the phone unless they don't fucking know who it is. And yes, I'm gonna get upset and cry because I shouldn't have to go through a world of trouble for people who say they care about me to call me back.
So, lets move on to spilling about STACIE:
Now, Stacie is my best friend (at least I think, not according to my Mother...) but just, I don't know.
It bothers the hell out of me she gets to spend so much time with Cody and then can't give me five minutes of her time to call me back. It's like their fucking lives are playing out in front of me and all I can do is watch because she's just soo much better than me because I throw titzy fits when they don't even fucking understand what goes on in my life, like today. They probably didn't know what was going on, but Stacie also failed to ask what was going on.
I'm jealous as hell AND I ADMIT THAT. I want to be able to spend time with the man I love but no, she has to spend 24/7 with him because she's not in school. It's almost like I'm just a disadvantaged person. Which, I already know I'm fucking cursed but COME ON. She gets to spend every moment with him and it makes me cry because I CAN'T. Let alone, he prolley doesn't want to spend time with someone who's an emotional wreak over what happens in her life every day, which he could rescue her from but chooses not to.
I'm not mad at Stacie, I just want what she has.... and that's something that I can't have. What makes her so much better than me? What makes the Man I'll always love want to spend all his time with her and not me? She doesn't even love him like I do... and he still wants to run off with her. GOD, she doesn't even realize how much it means to me if he just comes over here for a few minutes... But, NO they have to hang out 24/7 AWAY from me...
I shouldn't only get to be able to see him because she's forcing him to have him come and see me... THAT'S WHY I didn't want to go down to Indiana this weekend. I felt like the only reason I was going down there was because she wanted me to, rather than to have me see Cody because he wants to see me.
Don't I deserve a fucking scrap in life? COME ON...Do I deserve anything at all?
IT BOTHERS ME... but I'm not about to sit here and try to boss people around and what-not. That's something I cannot do. It's their choice and they're not going to understand. It's ripping me apart that she can just walk up there and give him a hug but I can't. It bothers me that I can't just sit there and have a conversation with him and she can. She has everything I want right now and so much more and I can't have it....
I CAN'T... AND IT'S TEARING ME APART!
All I can do is cry because that's all I can do... is just cry and hope the pain of it all goes away. And then, Stacie gets fucking mad at me over shit that she is doing! She gets mad when I get upset because she doesn't call back and I get bitched the fuck out by it from my Mother all day! I know I don't deserve that, but there's nothing else I can do.
Finally, I'll Spill My Heart:
I'm so close to giving up... and tonight just made my giving up move foreward a zillion times. I feel so worthless because that's all that's ever shoved in my face about anything. I'm worthless and all this and all that and just... whatever. I can't take this pain anymore.
I can't care about it anymore... it's too much. I can't sit here and just wait for him to want to fight for me because I should be worth it already. He should be fighting for me already but he's not and that's saying something...th
There's so much more but I'm crying so much right now, I can't even see the screen anymore
~Perhaps, the last entry this Angel Will EVER write...
Hey Everybody~
OMG Today was... weird! I was somewhat content in the morning to wake up to Stacie's phone call. I'm still confused, heartbroken, healed, and everything else there is to feel at the same time. Man, wouldn't it be nice if we were older...
But, at this point in time, I saw something can just can't stop smiling. My heart like lept from my chest when I seen it.... and I don't even know why. It was like, "OMG, that was SOOOO sweet!" I can't even say what it is either... I think I found the missing componet in it [:::AlL:::]
But the thing is, I can't smile like that about it. It's just against the "code". It's something I cannot do even if I want to (which I want to right now) and it's something I cannot pursue in ANY way. I have to keep my cool and just flow with it. I can't show that I'm feeling the least bit or bad things will happen. Perhaps I will tell a close friend, perhaps I will not. That will come later.
Should I allow myself to smile about it, should I allow my heart to skip a beat realizing it... or should I just tuck it away and pretend it never happened? What am I to do..? God, this is such a hard decision. I can never make things like this on my own and the harder part of it all is, I can't show that I'm facing a decision like that. It's really weird.
For now, I think I will just tuck it away and pretend it never happened, but I will think about it from time to time :-). I think in my thoughts, I will label it as "something that makes me smile when a lot of other things are dark.." and that's a pretty hard category to get into so I suppose the event / person / whatever I'm talking about (which is for me to know and you to find out..) should feel extremely privledged in all aspects.
AH, I just smiled about it AGAIN. Why do I have to always do this? As soon as I think everything MAY be content, it messes up again. OMG I am smiling and I don't even want to right now! RAWR~ Why am I doing that? I'm actually showing teeth, I NEVER SHOW TEETH I haven't done this in SO LONG! Why... WHY does it have to be under these circumstances?
OMG my heart just skipped, what the hell is going on? I haven't felt this way about anything or anyone besides [.x. him .x.] in ages. OMG...Rescue me! OMG, I can't even stop saying OMG! Why is this consuming my mind right now? OMG... I just smiled again. I'm telling myself to NOT smile but, I CAN'T! It's pissing me off, I want to stop smiling about this DAMNIT!
STOP SMILING... and I can't! FUCK, this is gonna SUCK later on when people ask me what's going on and I can't stop fucknig smiling so they figure it out! FUCK... I CAN'T do this and yet I'm being a FUCKING MORON and doing it anyway. It's fucking been there ALL ALONG, WHY didn't I just LOOK!? Jesus, I couldn't just look over two feet in front of me rather than two feet northeast of me and SEE! God, What the HELL am I doing? I must have been an idiot to not fucking see this!
¿What Is Going On?
I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect, It's [...Now Or Never...]
~.x.~ But, I'll NeVeR Stop [:<3:Loving:<3:] YoU ~.x.~
Will You Keep
YoUr
Promises Too...?And Some Of The Last Things That Will EVER Go Through Her Head...
You've Got This Girl [Head Over Heels] In <3.Love.<3 With YOU.
She'd Do ANYTHING for YOU,
But For Some Retarded Reason, You Don't Want To See..
There Is Something Real And Something True
DIRECTLY
In Front Of YOU.You Know It's There And Maybe YOU Feel The Same Way,
But, You Refuse To Just *~Let It Be.~*
Maybe, You're Just Too Scared Of The Thought That This Girl,
Is Here Forever, For YOU...
Maybe This Girl Is perfect For YOU And That Really
[:::SCARES:::]
YOU..[.x.EveR.x.]
Going to Know,If You Just Simply,
Don'T Take A RisK On HeR?
Obviously A CHANCE Was Too FUCKING Much To Ask For..
You Left Me With No Choice... Why Is That Okay With Me Right Now? Perhaps It Is Because I Knew This All Along... I Told You I Knew More Than You Thought I Did.
~Risen Angel~
Hey Everybody~
Should I just act indifferent now? What am I to do... obviously my fucking life was ripped apart and what's frustrating is, it's not even me who's doing it.
Others don't realize their simply lying when they say they're TrYinG to HelP me, because there the ones DestroyinG me.
I feel like everything is just repeating itself. Just like with Cory, everyone loved him after he did what he did, same thing with Scott and fucking Kevin. It's like people LOVE to see me be ripped apart like a lion would rip apart a little piece of meat. How heartless are people around here to just be all happy and shit that other people can be raped and abused and everything else...even their fucking heart literally ripped out.
I loose, everyone else wins... woohoo for me. Question is, can I build myself again? And I think my Rapid-Cycling isn't helping the situation... especially since I am an untreated Bipolar.
YEAH I SAID IT OKAY! I'm Bipolar... whoever wants to run off because they think I'm crazy then GO! I don't care anymore because it's just a chemical inbalance and I'm not crazy. I know I'm not crazy, people who truly know me know I'm not crazy. So, whatever... okay?
Not to mention, I had a dream where someone just stood there in front of me and ripped my heart out. And the other person, who own my fucking heart, was just standing there smiling about it. I concluded that it's fear that I'm dreaming rather than what's really going to happen. At this point though, how do I know that's not really going to happen? Yeah, I don't.... so whatever.
I don't feel like talking about this anymore....so, yeah.
I'm Sorry
I Can'T Be PerfecT...
BuT I'm [Terrified] That You're ForcinG Me...
It's [AchinG]
It's [GushinG] The Blood,
From The [PieceS OF MY hearT]..
It's Absolute, MiserY
To Say The LEAST
I Can'T Wait MonthS ON EnD...
For You To Decide,
If You Want ME,
ThE OnE You Say You LovE
To Live OncE AgiaN...
.x. You .x., My DeaR
[KilL Me WelL]
And I KnoW You [Love It ToO],
I Can
Tell
.Will Wait Until My LasT BreatH,
Is GonE Forever
BuT I PraY,
ThaT DaY Will NeveR Come...
Of Hearing it AlL
But, .x. You .x. My Dear
Cannot See,
That I Am TireD As Well...
It's Making Me Sick,
How Others PusH Me,
To The PoinT OF No ReturN.
And That Your Blinded,
By
.x. <3 TruE LovE <3 .x.
DIRECTLY In FronT OF YoUI Can Take It No LongeR
It's Tearing Me Apart,
How It Appears As IF
I'm NoT In Your </3...
That EverythinG Will Be OkaY
I Cannot Change FatE Of My Own Free-wilL
All I CaN Do, MY DeaR,
Is WaiT for .x. YoU .x.,
To RescuE Me From It AlL
Please, FiGhT For Me....I'm On Me KneEs
BegginG PleasE FiGhT For Me
Its so ironic how [b.e.s.t. f.r.i.e.n.d.s.] just slip and they become [e.n.e.m.i.e.s.] so damn quick One wrong phrase could cost them [y e a r s] make the p e r f e c t friendship go down in [t.e.a.r.s.]
I never logged into your account unless you asked me or I told you because it's not cool otherwise. And your right, I wouldn't like that (I looked back into my archives today to see what THAT THING said to everyone....)
I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry Stacie.. and I'm getting her computer so fucked up she'll never be able to hack ANYONE again.
[This Was Pasted From My Xanga...Yes, MY Fucking Xanga You Skank...]
Hello Everyone~
I'm back... and quite surprised. I went on ET and saw everything about it had changed. I was like, "WHY THE HELL IS ALL MY SHIT CHANGED?" The ET description is what I did want, but it was stored in my Xanga as a private entry....Then, I came to Xanga because that's where I store absolutely everything and realize it was tampered with also... due to the fact =someone= got into my entries and took the ET description, I added two and to together. I'm checking the rest of my "spaces" right now.
And I would like to give a big holla out to Michelle because she needs to fucking die. I'm keeping my promise and I'm showing Jerry the video tape, I'm showing him the tape recording, The computer conversations of you going off with your other guyfriends and doing whatever the fuck you want, and everything else. He's my friend, and I won't allow this treatment any longer. You told me you changed, and you didn't... so it's too late.. I'm also showing him that your a fucking prostitute and your little "double life.." Yeah, you pushed me over the line this time you whore and I'm not going to tolerate it. I told you to stay away from me... and you didn't think I was being serious.
You not only used our program to fuck my computer up, but you used it to trace all the passwords and hack into my accounts. Your lucky that I still have connections with Vanilla or I would be over there right now (I would just take the car and go...) I can look up names in the phone book. Vanilla got my passwords back that I've been trying to get until 7 o ' clock or so and I finally got them. Took me a few hours but I'm back. Now, she's going to put security on all my accounts, passwords and all. I shouldn't have to do that but your worthless ass couldn't keep your nose where it belongs. I'm also messing your computer the fuck up... that will be my little project for tonight.
You were in a relationship and he fucking loves you. I don't know how you could even do that to someone you love. Oh wait, you don't love him, do you? Your in love with that freak from California! That was inhumaine of you, to say the least.
But, you saw the pictures today. That will be the last time we will have any type of transmission, and I guarentee you will not hack me this time. I got Vanilla on my side... and she's better than both of us combined. God bless Vanilla. (I call her Vanilla because we only know each other online and I don't know her real name...)
You saw what happened when Darren and I got into a fight. You may not have literally been there but you were on the telephone and you heard what he did to me. You heard what he said and you heard my reponse. I may have taken a hit or two, but he got bloody mauled. Especially when I took the frying pan to his face. That right there can be a definition of showing you love someone, you know what Darren and I got into the fight about, and you know that he was being a selfish jackass. BUT, I did it because I love him... and he shouldn't be talked about that way by people who don't even know who he is. JUST LIKE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS... SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! Which, he also said too since I got back on MY Yahoo...
I did look in the message archives... and if you honestly think that Cody and I belong together, I applaud you. Your not the only one around here that thinks that... seems how everyone is telling me that lately. Now that we all know the truth... or at least some of us know parts of the truth. But that gave you no excuse to do what you did. And I'm not even going to thank you for that because I don't even want to speak of you again!
I am going to paste this in ET because everyone deserves to know how much of a worthless piece of shit you really are. Oh and by the way, Stay the fuck away from people I know. You had NO FUCKING RIGHT to hack into Stacie's account WHAT-SO-EVER! Even if you did send me that message to try to help me realize, "Cody's an ass and la la la" it was still wrong and I hate you for that along with everything else.
That is yet another reason why I'm gonna fuck your computer up... so you can't get online and mess with people like this anymore. I never used my skills to take advantage with people and just mess with their lives. You fucking crossed the line with it... I used it to help people and you just fucking are a bitch. I think you need to go take a fucking pill or something because you belong in the mental institution.
Good-Bye Michelle....
Hey Everybody...
I'm Going To Follow Through With What One Of The Things I Wanted Last Night...
I Hope No One Misses Me ToO Much...
There In My Room (Under My Bed,) And Stored On My Xanga If Anyone Is So Desperate To Know. Michelle Knows The Password If You Want To Get Into My Xanga...
And She Has The Password To Everything Else Too, So She Might Come On Here From Time To Time.
I </3 You.. [You Know Who You Are]
And Good-Bye To Everyone Else
Shelby told me to post that. I am just hitting copy and paste from her list of instructions but I realized I didn't add my own two sense (and if you know me,) then you know I have to always have the last word.
I doubt if she's going to kill herself or anything. Shelby always has hope even when everything else around her is dark so I know she hasn't given up yet. I'm also sure that Cody wouldn't just be sitting there probably talking to Stacie or something and not be the least bit concerned if she was really going to do something. He'd know first.. but as far as I know, I've taken over her usernames completely until I call her in three days and see what is going on. She told me she would explain then.
She told me to tell skyline (no idea who that is because that name doesn't even sound real,) to call her if he wanted to talk to her and not what she told me to say...
Well, I found everything out...I found out the truth about it all.
Not that it really helps now.
I have the conversations SITTING HERE
Proving the information that I've been simply worrying about all along.
[I Knew That Wasn't All Simply Nothing At All]
And the one thing that I thought was a gift from God, ended up being the devil in disquise.
I want to thank you for ending my life in pain...
Okay that it!
Who the FUCK is scamming the shit out of me? I have the same fucking four people saying the same things and just...along with the fact what they say is parallel to what's really going on.. BUT, it's not something I am believing or would like to believe at ANY point in time.
I'm sick of everyone getting pist at me for things they don't even know about and don't try to take time to find out... I'm so sick of being blammed and punished because my mind is CONSTANTLY being picked at by EVERYONE because I'm upset over things they again, DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
It's taking everything I have not to just rip into every mother fucker I see right now. I've had one person who enlightened me but cannot provide me with what I need (not that I believe that at this point...), one person hounding me the ENTIRE NIGHT, and now Stacie is just poofing away because I got upset over what the other two were saying for the past weeks....
I'm trying to be fucking nice here and I'm just getting my head ripped off for it.
***All you see are my upset outbursts, you don't live my life and know what happens for me to even become upset in the first place...***
~~EDIT~~
I feel like a fucking drunk-ass IDIOT! JESUS CHRIST... Why do I have to be like this? Why can't I just erase all the things I've been told by everyone and just care about what's real. Why can't I just have a red flag telling me: "This person is lying to you about this... and this person is telling the truth BECAUSE"
Stacie wants to leave and I don't want her too... I care about her and I just wish she would just hear me out. I started to tell her about what I've been told and exactly the REAL REASONS why I have my little outbursts (which is more than what it appears...) and she completely tripped out on me.
I was just trying to let her know the holes that had been going on so we could actually talk about it and I was being completely serious (even though she thought I had utter sarcasm...)
I need to hear Cody's voice right at this instant. It calms me down and I can sit there and just talk to him and tell him what is really going on. I was going to do that tonight but I didn't have the chance to and I just... it upset me because I need to talk to him about everything. He told me we were going to talk about it and we didn't.
I need to tell him why I was upset... and it's just one thing coming off another which started with one thing and if I just sat there and explained everything that happened, maybe he would understand and could help me out a bit.
I don't want to ruin things.... and I know I just did tonight by making joking comments (sometimes not joking) and getting hounded then get pissy because I'm getting hounded.
You just have no idea...
Hey Everybody...
I'm On My Knees
.x. Begging .x.
PleasE
JusT
KILL Me..
RIGHT WHILE
I Was Making A "Thought It Would Be Good..." Phone Call;
The Two Cancelled Each Other Out
To Make An Cold-Hearted RIP Into It All
And I Started To Cry.
And THIS Is Something I Cannot ChAnGe, of MY Own...Free-Will
Refer to www.xanga.com/
Hey Everybody...
I'm On My KneeS .x. BegginG .x. Please JusT KILL Me..
I Can't ]Write[ ANY Longer...
Jesus....
Just go to my Xanga
www.xanga.com/
Hey Everybody~
I was "layout - ing" on Xanga and the site went down LOL. I think that's a sign for me to go to bed. You won't believe how freakin' excited I am about this layout.
It's my best creation by far lol! I have some phrasing at the top and then below that I have a custom module with 25 icons marcee-ing :-D then it goes down to my journal. On the left, there's four custom module boxes and on the right there's four. The first three on the left are my user information and the one on the bottoms is an unknown... probably pictures of my friends and what-not. On the right, the first one is information about me and a photo ;-) then it's my music video I have on there. The third one down is prolley gonna be shout outs or something and the last one... well, I'm not sure about that one yet LoL. Prolley random facts or something.
Then the background is really fucking awesome. You just have to see to believe. I admit I took some of the stuff from another site... like the basic stuff and added my own little "pizazz" to it because I HATE Brittany Spears photos and shit all over my layouts. I like actual meaning to them. OH YEAH, I forgot, I have a little phrase in the top bar thing (where it says ET: Your house...) on this site. I also want one on the bottom that kinda goes to different phrases and what not. It's gonna be AWESOME.
I think God is giving me a sign to go to bed by shutting down xanga lol!