So, I told Stacie my secret and I told her she could tell one person in particular but NO ONE ELSE! I'm really trusting her with this because otherwise, I'm screwed lol.
I forgot... there's my quote of the day </3
Hey Everybody~
OMG Today was... weird! I was somewhat content in the morning to wake up to Stacie's phone call. I'm still confused, heartbroken, healed, and everything else there is to feel at the same time. Man, wouldn't it be nice if we were older...
But, at this point in time, I saw something can just can't stop smiling. My heart like lept from my chest when I seen it.... and I don't even know why. It was like, "OMG, that was SOOOO sweet!" I can't even say what it is either... I think I found the missing componet in it [:::AlL:::]
But the thing is, I can't smile like that about it. It's just against the "code". It's something I cannot do even if I want to (which I want to right now) and it's something I cannot pursue in ANY way. I have to keep my cool and just flow with it. I can't show that I'm feeling the least bit or bad things will happen. Perhaps I will tell a close friend, perhaps I will not. That will come later.
Should I allow myself to smile about it, should I allow my heart to skip a beat realizing it... or should I just tuck it away and pretend it never happened? What am I to do..? God, this is such a hard decision. I can never make things like this on my own and the harder part of it all is, I can't show that I'm facing a decision like that. It's really weird.
For now, I think I will just tuck it away and pretend it never happened, but I will think about it from time to time :-). I think in my thoughts, I will label it as "something that makes me smile when a lot of other things are dark.." and that's a pretty hard category to get into so I suppose the event / person / whatever I'm talking about (which is for me to know and you to find out..) should feel extremely privledged in all aspects.
AH, I just smiled about it AGAIN. Why do I have to always do this? As soon as I think everything MAY be content, it messes up again. OMG I am smiling and I don't even want to right now! RAWR~ Why am I doing that? I'm actually showing teeth, I NEVER SHOW TEETH I haven't done this in SO LONG! Why... WHY does it have to be under these circumstances?
OMG my heart just skipped, what the hell is going on? I haven't felt this way about anything or anyone besides [.x. him .x.] in ages. OMG...Rescue me! OMG, I can't even stop saying OMG! Why is this consuming my mind right now? OMG... I just smiled again. I'm telling myself to NOT smile but, I CAN'T! It's pissing me off, I want to stop smiling about this DAMNIT!
STOP SMILING... and I can't! FUCK, this is gonna SUCK later on when people ask me what's going on and I can't stop fucknig smiling so they figure it out! FUCK... I CAN'T do this and yet I'm being a FUCKING MORON and doing it anyway. It's fucking been there ALL ALONG, WHY didn't I just LOOK!? Jesus, I couldn't just look over two feet in front of me rather than two feet northeast of me and SEE! God, What the HELL am I doing? I must have been an idiot to not fucking see this!
Hey Everybody~
Should I just act indifferent now? What am I to do... obviously my fucking life was ripped apart and what's frustrating is, it's not even me who's doing it.
Others don't realize their simply lying when they say they're TrYinG to HelP me, because there the ones DestroyinG me.
I feel like everything is just repeating itself. Just like with Cory, everyone loved him after he did what he did, same thing with Scott and fucking Kevin. It's like people LOVE to see me be ripped apart like a lion would rip apart a little piece of meat. How heartless are people around here to just be all happy and shit that other people can be raped and abused and everything else...even their fucking heart literally ripped out.
I loose, everyone else wins... woohoo for me. Question is, can I build myself again? And I think my Rapid-Cycling isn't helping the situation... especially since I am an untreated Bipolar.
YEAH I SAID IT OKAY! I'm Bipolar... whoever wants to run off because they think I'm crazy then GO! I don't care anymore because it's just a chemical inbalance and I'm not crazy. I know I'm not crazy, people who truly know me know I'm not crazy. So, whatever... okay?
Not to mention, I had a dream where someone just stood there in front of me and ripped my heart out. And the other person, who own my fucking heart, was just standing there smiling about it. I concluded that it's fear that I'm dreaming rather than what's really going to happen. At this point though, how do I know that's not really going to happen? Yeah, I don't.... so whatever.
I don't feel like talking about this anymore....so, yeah.
Its so ironic how [b.e.s.t. f.r.i.e.n.d.s.] just slip and they become [e.n.e.m.i.e.s.] so damn quick One wrong phrase could cost them [y e a r s] make the p e r f e c t friendship go down in [t.e.a.r.s.]
I never logged into your account unless you asked me or I told you because it's not cool otherwise. And your right, I wouldn't like that (I looked back into my archives today to see what THAT THING said to everyone....)
I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry Stacie.. and I'm getting her computer so fucked up she'll never be able to hack ANYONE again.