And She Spills The Story About It All...

I [.:DeVoted:.] Everything To You..
My <3Heart<3, My .x. Soul .x., My .o. Life .o.

Yeah, [.:SOMETHING:.] Went Wrong All Right...

But No Matter What...

&& I had f o r g o t t e n How It Felt
To Have Someone You Just CAN’T
Get [ E n 0 u G h ] Of… <3

Hey Everybody~

Yeah, I am in IR. I probably should continue studying for my Chemistry test but if I write for a half hour (a much needed activity for me,) then I will be able to continue with my studies (also a much need activity). Things are better in some ways and worse than I can imagine in some ways… I think everything is just weird, to say the least. I’ve been writing on Elftown lately because I just felt like it but then I wanted to go back to Xanga because I like it here too… I don’t know lol.

SCHOOL:

Things are horrendous to say the least. I want to try to catch up in Math because I got way behind from where I was but then I realized I’m going to have to stay after three days in a row (one for Chemistry and two for Math) just to get completely caught up. Hopefully, I won’t have a lot of homework this weekend. What I’m really hoping for is I have the same amount as last weekend.

This semester is really hard and I hope things get better next semester (my senior year). I really hope I don’t get senioritis because I am taking mostly AP classes and need to do extremely well. I’m looking into colleges in Indiana as well as Michigan. I got accepted into Evansville already so that’s pretty awesome. The sad thing is it would be far away from the world I know and I don’t think I will be ready to leave that completely behind in 2007.

WORK:

I only work one day this week so that’s good. I don’t really like even working there anymore because all everyone does is literally fight with each other… and we’re so busy. We have at least three buses on the weekend and just… rawr. We pretty much have a whole new store because so many people have been fired over scandalous deeds that even involve the law. I think perhaps it’s time I get a different job but I’m not exactly sure where. I almost want to go to a sit-down restaurant and maybe move up a little bit from the fast food chain. However, I’m not absolutely positive about anything. They do put up a lot of stuff from Me lol.

And The Guilt Overpowers Her...

**EDIT: Me and her straightened everything out... I can't actually post this in IR because the school bans it but we have everything straightened out. So, just ignore the paragraph above and proceed with the blog entry lol.

Someone else is mad at me as well when they did the exact same thing… I was lying there dying (in some cases literally) and they "went out with someone when they were single" and apparently, that’s not wrong in their book but as soon as it’s done to someone THEY care about, it becomes the most wrong thing anyone can ever do. I am NOT saying that anything was right or wrong about this but if they do it and call it right when they sit there and rip my heart out, they should stand up for me and say I’m right also when it’s the exact same thing concerning different people. The only difference is that I didn’t pour my heart out…

Quite frankly, they fucked with my mind way too long and I think they only think it’s wrong because I personally did it. If it was anyone else, they would be standing up for them. And that is definitely something I will be saying to them personally because I’m done with games and I’m done with the bullshit. Either come out and tell the truth and actually DO something about it, or don’t get upset when I do something about it. It’s just as simple and as complicated as that...

WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER ONE OPENS…:

So, basically since I’m done with the bullshit and all… I jumped on the opportunity when another door opened for me. I can honestly say that is something I will never regret. You will not believe how happy it makes me that I actually took the chance and followed the right path rather than all the wrong ones, which was something I grew extremely good at lol.

Late into the night, I was asked out by Dyrak… who I had liked for quite some time and just really didn’t say anything about it for numerous reasons. I told him at first I didn’t know but then I realized that I really should. There were certain reasons I wanted to say no because I knew it would cause conflict among friends and all but I talked to them about it and it appeared as if everything was a-go so I took the chance (unlike some other people lol, but it’s all cool). I also really wanted to because like I said before, I had liked him for a long time and since I got to know him more, I just liked him more and I thought that maybe this was "supposed" to happen, you know what I mean?

So I said yes and I can say that is one of the best decisions I have ever made. Dyrak and I talk like all night, every night lol. I can hardly do that with other people, we have a lot of the same interests and OMG, it’s just like we have the same brain lol. He also holds a lot of the same philosophies that I do which is a super-thing. He also is into music… OMG someone who is into Music, it’s just WHOA; it blows my mind because that’s like my main thing. And he told me that he’s into web-design too which I obviously am as you can see by my layout. He’s also into cars and things like that which is something I’m into, but don’t really know much about yet.

He’s one of the people I can actually carry a conversation on with for hours and not just dead silence. This is, of course, extremely rare for me. Plus, he stood up for me a lot of times when no one else did and I know he’s an awesome guy. There have been a few times where he almost made me cry because he said something really sweet lol… and that’s almost never happened to me before. People have come close, but it’s never actually happened.

I can’t thank him enough for standing up for me and he knows what I’ve been through in my past and helps me a lot with that to because he helped me see the truth about a lot of the things in my heart which is not really something a lot of people tried to do. He also made me feel better about a lot of the doubts I had about myself and stands on particular situations, and made me see that within my heart, I’m not the only one that felt that way all along. He made me realize that perhaps I wasn’t as bad as I thought I was in the first place.

I think we’ll be together for a long time… and that’s definitely something I am totally looking foreword to. I can say that we will have obstacles ahead of us (especially since he lives 1.5 hours away) but I think we can get through them without any trouble. Just because he lives in Indiana doesn’t mean we can’t see each other and all. Plus, we’ve sorta known each other for A LONG TIME before anything really happened so it’s like a total contrast from just jumping into cold water, you know? So that’s a GREAT thing. There are things with myself that I need to deal with but that’s not really an us thing.

JUDGEMENT DAY IS FRIDAY:

I talked to Dyrak about what I was going to do on Friday and okay-ed it with him. Hopefully, I just won’t be a pushover with it because I need to take a stance on this… it’s been something in my mind for quite some time and it needs to be said. I was really hurt last night by what Stacie told me in more than one aspect and that will also be talked about because I don’t understand the difference between now and before when that happens. It just makes it seem like what I did was my fault when in reality, he’s the one that didn’t want me all along. So why is he doing that? It doesn’t make any sense besides mind games.

But I am extremely excited because I get to spend time with Dyrak this weekend!! (Times a google...) And he has Saturday and Sunday off so that will be sweet. He’s also getting his tongue pierced so that will be fucking awesome. I was talking to him about that because that’s something I always wanted to do but I was scared to do it. Plus, I think guys with tongue rings are totally Hott. I want to take a picture of us together and put it up on Xanga / ET / MySpace. My camera has been a MAJOR jackass lately so I’m not exactly sure how that’s going to work out but I definitely want that to happen. That’s going to replace all my self centered pictures that I have up on the internet lol. I also want a picture with our tongues sticking out LOL. That would be fucking awesome. We basically agreed that we were gonna be in his room all night talking because that just rox our socks lol, and is more than fine by me.

He also mentioned a few things that got my mind going, not about this weekend but about the future and I’m like OMG that would be SO fucking awesome. Hopefully things I can look foreword to lol But, I dunno... I think the one thing will do nothing but literally kill me though. I KNOW my Mom would let me do that too because that’s something she’s always wanted to do. She’s into that kind of stuff as am I and it will just OMG. I am SO just…OMG about it. He’s also talking about going to a BCGC concert (which hopefully won’t be combined) because Vivace is just that good lol. He used to sing in the Boy choir which is cool but, yeah .

OMG, I just remembered one of the virtues that my friends taught me… always be able to take to your man because when your old and grey your going to enjoy the conversations you have. Woot Woot lol.

And .x. YoU .x. , My Dear, Said You Would Always <3 Love<3 Me. But, I Suppose We Had different definitions of Always…

Now, It's

[xYouRx]

TiMe, My Dear...

Right Now...

I feel like Stacie and I have the same heart... </3

What Else Is Going Through Her Mind...?

I can't really write about it. I had a dream about the events that will occur in the near future and I really do think that will happen. Sometimes I wish all dreams that I had would come true. But, not all of them... because then my life would be an absolute nightmare.

Told someone something I never told anybody before. Luckily, that won't be going around because it doesn't matter anymore. I'm still alive and nothing happened after that. I can admit that was my weakest moment of all time and my heart is still weakened by that moment... even if it was a long time ago. It will always be weakened but there is nothing I can do about that.

I know what she meant when she said that to me about him...I only wished that she wasn't right and I was right. Well, maybe that neither of us were right. But, I'm going to find out who was right about it on Friday if it's the last thing I do. I even want to know the impurities because then nothing will be left unsaid and maybe promises will be fulfilled that were never fulfilled before.

More To Come Later
~Angel

One Of The Questions Going Through My Mind..

Am I Really The Biggest Jackass In The World? It was inevitable what was going to happen. I mean, maybe the same thing wouldn't have occured but something was going to happen and just... I don't know how to explain it.

Would I do the same thing to me if someone else had done that to me? It seems like some people are punishing me for me doing what they wanted me to do in the first place which was be happy. I told them I was being sincere the whole time which I was and just... GOD! It wasn't like I expected to do what I did and it's like they're punishing me and they hate me now.

I Can't Talk About This Anymore...

You're ALL Right...Except Northwest LOL

Stacie:

But Stacie, you HAVE to remember I'm still keeping to my promise so please don't tell me that because every time you think things like that... remember my promise and you know I won't give up on things... You don't know what it means when I said it all hit me. I promise I will tell you when it's just you and me though because you need to know and it's not bad on your part.

I really don't want you to give up. I know what your going through and I feel your pain too. Which is why I am ending all this right now, like I told Dryak, it is all going to end because it NEEDS TO.

It's hurting me to see you unhappy about what is going on but there is a reason I'm doing what I'm doing right now. I do have alternative motives that are NOT against North or West... so don't think I'm just being a fool for nothing lol. I want to apologize for hurting you and give you a hug and tell you everything will be okay because remember, I am keeping that promise I told you a few nights ago. I can't explain those though because it's on the internet lol.

Dryak:

And Dryak, I'm taking what you said to heart about you know what. I know what you mean now... and I want to see that myself and know what I want to know myself too. Not online, not on the phone, but I want to know IN PERSON. And I will find out if it's the last thing I ever do. I will get up in people's faces and start screaming my fool head off until I know for a fact and not believe all this fucking BULLSHIT anymore..

I'm sick of it and I'm not gonna sit here and be malled about things, you know? I'm not gonna sit here and take peoples shit anymore either because that needs to stop. Things need to be DONE about what's going on and I'm gonna be the one to do them (about you know what...) Personally, I don't care what it takes because at this point, it NEEDS to be done and I'm willing to sacrifice what I have to make what NEEDS to happen... happen. Especially because Stacie is unhappy and I know you are unhappy about what is going on too..

But, Thank you for helping me realize that. You know what I mean... and I think you know what I want to know.

As for the other thing, I was going to talk to you about [..::that::..] on Friday (you know what I'm talking about) because that's not an online or phone thing either. It's not bad so don't think it's bad lol.

That's about all I can explain right now because it is on the internet lol...

~Angel

And She Spills Everything She Has Left...

Ever Since You've Been [.:Gone:.],
My World Has Been Nothing Short Of + Dark + & Grey,
I Want To Just Escape It All,
And Lock Every Single Memory Away.

You Don't Even [..Realize..],
That I've Cried Fifty Thousand Tears...
.o. Screaming .o., <Decieving>, and <== BLEEDING -->..
All For .x.You.x., My Dear
To Simply Come
And Be My Remedy From It All.

This Is Something I MUST DO
Not Because I Want Too,
BUT, Because You're [.:Forcing:.] Me
To [MAKE YOU] Face This World Alone.
Which You Have Blunty Carved,
Into My.. Now, Cold Heart Of Stone...

I Constantly Wonder
If I'm ~Alive~ And Well,
Will There [..EVER..] Be The Chance,
That You'll Be There Once Again?
[.Holding.] My Hand..
[.Guiding.] Me Through It All?

Or Will You Just `Walk` Away,
Without A Care In Your [<3..Heart..<3]?
Or A .o.Tear.o. In Your Eye..
[..Not...] Missing It At All...
As To What Could Have Been,
But, .x.YoU.x. Chose [.2.NOT.3.] To Start?

If I Had One Wish Right Now,
I'd Want To [~Understand~],
Why I'm Pleading For You,
To [.x. Fight .x.] And Take My Hand.

And Why Must My Knees [..Bleed..],
And My Stone Heart Crack,
Simply Because .x.YoU.x. Don't Wanna Fight,
Or Even Take Me Back...

I'm Standing Directly In Front Of You,
Watching My [<3 Heart <3] In .x YouR .x. Hands..
Wondering, What Will Happen?
The Next Time Our Worlds Dance.

You Have [~~No~~] Idea That:
I'm [The one] That Will [~Always~] Be True,
And I'm [The one] That Will [~Always~] Be In <3 Love <3 With .x.YoU.x. .
But... I'm [The one] That Also Is [:x:Fighting:x:]
For The Only Thing Left In My World, That's Real.

So If I'm [Truly The Only One],
Then, I Know What I Must Do.
I'll [Fake It] Through Every Single Day,
Until My Life Is Lived All The Way Through.

I'll Hide The Tears,
And I'll Hide All The Pain..
Simply For .x.YoU.x. My Dear,
Who Caused [...This...] All Anyway...

Status Of The Lines...

Stacie: +150 (Only Because It's What She Wanted) Feet
Dyrak: -100 Feet
Cody: +155555555555555550 Feet

I'm Such A Fucking Pushover!!!

.x. HeY EverybodY .x.

Last night was [::WILD::] lol.. but I'm going to try to make this entry fairly attractive just like me :-D.



This Is All I Ask For Of You...

Because, Despite What .x. YOU .x., [.:My Dear:.], May BelievE, I Won'T Be Here ForeveR
You [.:My DeaR:.], Just Don't Realize
What Can Disappear In A BlinK Of An EyE



BuT, Sometimes, I Know I GottA SmilE Like I MEAN It.
Even Though, I'm Faking All The Way Though...
But, This [.:My DeaR:.] Is Something You Already Know

As I Lie [.o.DyinG.o.],
I'm Wondering Why I Must [~BleeD~] At All,
For You [.:My DeaR:.] Could Have...
Simply SaveD Me From It AlL

Rejoice E.v.e.r.y.T.i.m.e You Hear The Sound Of My VoicE

Hey Everybody~

Yeah, I’m in IR again…. I just finished all my Math homework so that’s good . I’m completely caught up in call my classes now. Mrs. Rhodes (my Pre-Calc teacher) was surprised that I actually got caught up this quickly. After all, it’s only been a few days. A lot is up as usual and I think I may or may not have screwed myself out of so many things that I wanted…. Fuck me lol.

BCGC:

I talked to Zoie a while ago about all the updates for BCGC. She said that Sarah was dropping and there’s an alto spot in Octavio. I really want that spot although I don’t think I will get it because I haven’t been there in quite some time. It’s just that I couldn’t sing because of my throat so I didn’t figure there was a point in going if I couldn’t sing my best and not mess everyone else up lol. Next year there is only going to be one soprano spot open and since I’m a first alto, my chances for that spot are extremely slim. However, I will be the only senior that’s not in Octavio so it’s not like I don’t deserve that spot. I’m trying and everything… I know it’s not matching up right now but when everything is in tip-top shape, it will be okay again J.

It ends up I have to take this new medicine four times a day so my throat will remain clear. My doctor also said that I have to drink AT LEAST half my body weight in water (2-3 20oz. bottles) so that’s just great! I suppose I will have to carry bottled water with me all the time now just so they will stay clear. Some else did bring up the fact that I could possibly be allergic to cats and that’s why my sinus’ cavities have been flaring up more than usual over the last few months or so. I don’t know though…. I suppose time will only tell. I have been taking the medicine for two days now and everything is working out fine and dandy so far so I suppose that is good.

WORK:

I am rejoiced that Marshall is gone for six weeks... He broke his fingers or something and has to go to a store that’s "less busy" so he doesn’t have to perform Managerial duties, although he doesn’t do crap already. He’s just extremely lazy and it bothers me. Well, he ended up getting fired only a week after he left (I have been writing this entry over the last few days...) because when he went over to Kalamazoo, a once "perfect" store had money coming up missing every day during the second deposit (the only deposit that Marshall does). So, they canned him and Cathy is our new Assistant Store Manager. I always wondered why they left the "Now taking applications for assistant Managers" on the sign even when Marshall was still there.

Scott got written up again because he threw a temper tantrum and ran outside and got hit by a van…. Well, more like in-conduct and insubordination. This is his second write-up in six months so he’s facing getting fired. He didn’t get hurt when he got hit by the van though so I think that he deserved it. Karma really kicks people in the asses don’t it? He totally was a rear end and he deserves everything he’s getting.

I was getting faced with getting fired because my cash-drawer was $50.00 short during Marshall’s shift. However, Chris (The DM) and Shawn (The GM) both know that I don’t steal money because I know I’ll just get caught anyway…. seems how every time money is out of my drawer, it always ends up being the Manager that’s stealing. The first time, it was Steve… the second it was John… and this time it was Marshall. At least it wasn’t like two-hundred dollars or so that Steve took lol. It was only $50.00 this time.

I also got offended because he (Marshall) sat there and told me straight up I am slow on drive-thru. Excuse me asshole, what world did you come from? I run the best times in the entire store. I’m not trying to be an asshole or anything about it or sound like I’m better than everyone else but I’m the fastest drive-thru person. It didn’t used to be me until all the fast people quit. I mean, Erica is still there but she only knows how to do the sandwiches, she doesn’t know how to work the register.

I have all the numbers memorized and I can memorize orders in my head like Seth can do… but he’s a Manager over at Columbia. I also sat there and made 12 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers and the timer only went up to like a 120. Even the fast people run a 170 average OR MORE, depending on how long they’ve been over at drive-thru. He’s just a moron… he like HAS to put me on Grill when I’m there because supposedly that’s the only position I know how to do. I just wanna cuss him out because I know how to do more than a lot of those people around there because most of them are new. I HATE HIM…..

I’m not exactly sure how much I should be talking about work anymore or not because one of my friends got fired for talking about her work (which was also fast-food) on Livejournal. I don’t really think they’re checking mine out though. Everything I say is true so I don’t really understand why everyone would be freaking out by finding out the ‘behind the scenes" crap. There’s a secret to everything… jeez lol.

SCHOOL:

So, I think things with that are coming back up. I have a B now in Math so that’s good…. Especially for Pre-Calculus. I still have a test to make up though so I hope everything will be good with that. As for Advanced Lit, we had to take our test today over Tragic Hero + Macbeth… I didn’t do too well on that part but yeah, I still have the Imagery and what-not to take so lets see how that goes. Always gotta stay positive lol.

As for Chemistry, that class has just went down the drain….maybe lol



[I'm not sure if that turned out or not but if it didn't.. it's supposed to be saying I got a 50% on my Chapter III test when I have A's in pretty much everything else]

I’m upset because my grade in ANY class has NEVER been that low AT ALL. ESPECIALLY on tests… I have NEVER failed a test. The lowest grade I have gotten is like a 71% and the class had to retake it because I had the highest grade. But, we retook it and I got a 92%. I went in there to talk to Mrs. Erwin and it ended up it was all because I didn’t know how to write electronic configurations of atoms AND I didn’t understand the orbital of atoms. I understand that now because she showed me both of them AFTER I got the test back… real useful then lol. She did say that she thinks I’m smarter than this though so that’s good. She was positive I will do extremely well on the next test because most of it is Math lolz.

By the way, I have to take the ACT in a few weeks. I am do screwed on the Math parts though because it’s all Pre-Algebra and what-not which is stuff I did in like uh, seventh grade. I’m in Pre-Calc now and I don’t remember hardly any of it. I really hope that the Science – Reasoning portion saves my ass otherwise, I’m screwed. I’m getting really pressed about this and just, I don’t know. I know it’s important and all but just… whatever. The ACT will just put me over the top in things I need to worry about right now.

WORK (Social Aspect):

Yeah, I think Kim totally hates me now because

I Suppose More To Come Later...
~Angel

And She Spills The Secrets Of Her Heart...

Hey Whoever Reads This Thing,

It's 9:51 P.M. and I've had a horendous day, preceded by sixteen years of absolute misery. It's hard to not believe everyone else around you when your life is playing a tape and you see all your nightmares are coming true. I want my life to end, and I have wanted that for quite some time. I don't have another appointment with Dr. Z until March 17, and since I'm rapid cycling... I don't even know if I'm gonna last till March 17 and right now, I don't know if I want to last that long.

When you look at me, you see a girl with light blue eyes, dark brown hair, and you can tell that I cover-up whatever I have inside. But, I'm going to write about all that now because no one leaves me with a choice.

But Spilling About The DREAM:

Cody came and rescued me from my Mother's BITCHING about how Cody hates me and Stacie just wants Cody because they spend 24/7 together (which Cody and Stacie do spend 24/7 together but ...whatever) And Cody took me aside and told me what was really in his heart, which is what I prayed would be all along. It was right around sunrise because it took him all night to get here... there was a light dusting of dew on the ground and it was late September. I could feel it because I felt older, like I had just turned eighteen. Everything was tranquil outside, almost like a storm wiped through the night before and Mother nature was calm after it had rawred it's power. At that point, everything fell into place and I know where my life was going. It was like all my problems melted away and all the pain wasn't felt in vein.

Cody said he loved me and that he was sorry for everything that he put me through... that all he wants is for us to be together because he realized that I'm the one for him because I'm true and real and everything else fine and dandy . He also told me that this is where his promise came in about how everything will be alright. That dream was sureal, and I felt happy until later on today.... which just fucked everything up. I mean, I woke up and had tears coming out of my eyes. It was absolutely unreal; the first dream in a long time that made me happy.

Now, I suppose I have to spill about TODAY:

My Mom has been pressing on me ever since she found out that Stacie went down to Indiana. I've been sitting here telling her that it's not all just a scam against me and everything is in good-fun. But, she's been pressing on me more and more and I'm letting it get to me. I wish I wouldn't but with days like today, it's HARD to believe everything she tells me...

"Shelby your worthless because your friends don't care enough to give you five minutes to call you back."
"Shelby, all Cody ever did to you was lie because he's spending 24/7 with this other girl..."
"Shelby, you need to fucking die because your just a waste of space and your too pure-hearted to live in the 'real world'..."
"Shelby, Stacie is lying to you..."
"Shelby, you know Dyrak and them are just going against you because it's against YOU.... and it is PERSONAL."
"Shelby, no one cares about you and BLAH BLAH BLAH"
"Shelby.."
"Shelby..."
"Shelby..."

Yes, it's more than just slightly upsetting to hear that all day every day, ESPECIALLY TODAY, because they couldn't give me five to call me back. It's upsetting that when you call back, they don't even pick up the phone unless they don't fucking know who it is. And yes, I'm gonna get upset and cry because I shouldn't have to go through a world of trouble for people who say they care about me to call me back.

So, lets move on to spilling about STACIE:

Now, Stacie is my best friend (at least I think, not according to my Mother...) but just, I don't know.

It bothers the hell out of me she gets to spend so much time with Cody and then can't give me five minutes of her time to call me back. It's like their fucking lives are playing out in front of me and all I can do is watch because she's just soo much better than me because I throw titzy fits when they don't even fucking understand what goes on in my life, like today. They probably didn't know what was going on, but Stacie also failed to ask what was going on.

I'm jealous as hell AND I ADMIT THAT. I want to be able to spend time with the man I love but no, she has to spend 24/7 with him because she's not in school. It's almost like I'm just a disadvantaged person. Which, I already know I'm fucking cursed but COME ON. She gets to spend every moment with him and it makes me cry because I CAN'T. Let alone, he prolley doesn't want to spend time with someone who's an emotional wreak over what happens in her life every day, which he could rescue her from but chooses not to.

I'm not mad at Stacie, I just want what she has.... and that's something that I can't have. What makes her so much better than me? What makes the Man I'll always love want to spend all his time with her and not me? She doesn't even love him like I do... and he still wants to run off with her. GOD, she doesn't even realize how much it means to me if he just comes over here for a few minutes... But, NO they have to hang out 24/7 AWAY from me...

I shouldn't only get to be able to see him because she's forcing him to have him come and see me... THAT'S WHY I didn't want to go down to Indiana this weekend. I felt like the only reason I was going down there was because she wanted me to, rather than to have me see Cody because he wants to see me.

Don't I deserve a fucking scrap in life? COME ON...Do I deserve anything at all?

IT BOTHERS ME... but I'm not about to sit here and try to boss people around and what-not. That's something I cannot do. It's their choice and they're not going to understand. It's ripping me apart that she can just walk up there and give him a hug but I can't. It bothers me that I can't just sit there and have a conversation with him and she can. She has everything I want right now and so much more and I can't have it....

I CAN'T... AND IT'S TEARING ME APART!

All I can do is cry because that's all I can do... is just cry and hope the pain of it all goes away. And then, Stacie gets fucking mad at me over shit that she is doing! She gets mad when I get upset because she doesn't call back and I get bitched the fuck out by it from my Mother all day! I know I don't deserve that, but there's nothing else I can do.

Finally, I'll Spill My Heart:

I'm so close to giving up... and tonight just made my giving up move foreward a zillion times. I feel so worthless because that's all that's ever shoved in my face about anything. I'm worthless and all this and all that and just... whatever. I can't take this pain anymore.

What Hurts Most Is To KNOW That Cody Will Not Fight For Me... It's Like He Sits There And Tells Me He Loves Me And He Wants To Be Together But He FLAT OUT REFUSES To Fight For Me, Or Even Want To Spend Time With Me At That...

I can't care about it anymore... it's too much. I can't sit here and just wait for him to want to fight for me because I should be worth it already. He should be fighting for me already but he's not and that's saying something...the only thing is, what exactly is that saying?

There's so much more but I'm crying so much right now, I can't even see the screen anymore

~Perhaps, the last entry this Angel Will EVER write...

Hey Everybody~

OMG Today was... weird! I was somewhat content in the morning to wake up to Stacie's phone call. I'm still confused, heartbroken, healed, and everything else there is to feel at the same time. Man, wouldn't it be nice if we were older...

But, at this point in time, I saw something can just can't stop smiling. My heart like lept from my chest when I seen it.... and I don't even know why. It was like, "OMG, that was SOOOO sweet!" I can't even say what it is either... I think I found the missing componet in it [:::AlL:::]

But the thing is, I can't smile like that about it. It's just against the "code". It's something I cannot do even if I want to (which I want to right now) and it's something I cannot pursue in ANY way. I have to keep my cool and just flow with it. I can't show that I'm feeling the least bit or bad things will happen. Perhaps I will tell a close friend, perhaps I will not. That will come later.

Should I allow myself to smile about it, should I allow my heart to skip a beat realizing it... or should I just tuck it away and pretend it never happened? What am I to do..? God, this is such a hard decision. I can never make things like this on my own and the harder part of it all is, I can't show that I'm facing a decision like that. It's really weird.

For now, I think I will just tuck it away and pretend it never happened, but I will think about it from time to time :-). I think in my thoughts, I will label it as "something that makes me smile when a lot of other things are dark.." and that's a pretty hard category to get into so I suppose the event / person / whatever I'm talking about (which is for me to know and you to find out..) should feel extremely privledged in all aspects.

AH, I just smiled about it AGAIN. Why do I have to always do this? As soon as I think everything MAY be content, it messes up again. OMG I am smiling and I don't even want to right now! RAWR~ Why am I doing that? I'm actually showing teeth, I NEVER SHOW TEETH I haven't done this in SO LONG! Why... WHY does it have to be under these circumstances?

OMG my heart just skipped, what the hell is going on? I haven't felt this way about anything or anyone besides [.x. him .x.] in ages. OMG...Rescue me! OMG, I can't even stop saying OMG! Why is this consuming my mind right now? OMG... I just smiled again. I'm telling myself to NOT smile but, I CAN'T! It's pissing me off, I want to stop smiling about this DAMNIT!

STOP SMILING... and I can't! FUCK, this is gonna SUCK later on when people ask me what's going on and I can't stop fucknig smiling so they figure it out! FUCK... I CAN'T do this and yet I'm being a FUCKING MORON and doing it anyway. It's fucking been there ALL ALONG, WHY didn't I just LOOK!? Jesus, I couldn't just look over two feet in front of me rather than two feet northeast of me and SEE! God, What the HELL am I doing? I must have been an idiot to not fucking see this!

¿What Is Going On?

I'm Sorry I Can't Be Perfect, It's [...Now Or Never...]

~.x.~ But, I'll NeVeR Stop [:<3:Loving:<3:] YoU ~.x.~



The Real [.¿. Question .?.] Here Is..
Will You Keep

YoUr

Promises Too...?

And Some Of The Last Things That Will EVER Go Through Her Head...

Have You ::EVER:: ReallY Thought About It?
You've Got This Girl [Head Over Heels] In <3.Love.<3 With YOU.
She'd Do ANYTHING for YOU,
But For Some Retarded Reason, You Don't Want To See..
There Is Something Real And Something True

DIRECTLY

In Front Of YOU.
You Know It's There And Maybe YOU Feel The Same Way,
But, You Refuse To Just *~Let It Be.~*
Maybe, You're Just Too Scared Of The Thought That This Girl,
Is Here Forever, For YOU...
Maybe This Girl Is perfect For YOU And That Really

[:::SCARES:::]

YOU..

DOESN'T It?

BUT, How Are You

[.x.EveR.x.]

Going to Know,
If You Just Simply,
Don'T Take A RisK On HeR?

Obviously A CHANCE Was Too FUCKING Much To Ask For..

You Left Me With No Choice... Why Is That Okay With Me Right Now? Perhaps It Is Because I Knew This All Along... I Told You I Knew More Than You Thought I Did.

~Risen Angel~

I'm Sorry
I Can'T Be PerfecT...

BuT I'm [Terrified] That You're ForcinG Me...

And it's [BreakinG EverythinG AparT]
It's [AchinG]
It's [GushinG] The Blood,
From The [PieceS OF MY hearT]..
It's Absolute, MiserY
To Say The LEAST



.x. You .x., My DeaR
[KilL Me WelL]
And I KnoW You [Love It ToO],
I Can

Tell

.

.x. You .x., The AngeL in DisquisE,
Will Wait Until My LasT BreatH,
Is GonE Forever
BuT I PraY,
ThaT DaY Will NeveR Come...



It's Making Me Sick,
How Others PusH Me,
To The PoinT OF No ReturN.
And That Your Blinded,
By

.x. <3 TruE LovE <3 .x.

DIRECTLY In FronT OF YoU
I Can Take It No LongeR
It's Tearing Me Apart,
How It Appears As IF
I'm NoT In Your </3...

I Can [NO LongeR] PromisE
That EverythinG Will Be OkaY
I Cannot Change FatE Of My Own Free-wilL
All I CaN Do, MY DeaR,
Is WaiT for .x. YoU .x.,
To RescuE Me From It AlL