And She Spills The Secrets Of Her Heart...
Hey Whoever Reads This Thing,
It's 9:51 P.M. and I've had a horendous day, preceded by sixteen years of absolute misery. It's hard to not believe everyone else around you when your life is playing a tape and you see all your nightmares are coming true. I want my life to end, and I have wanted that for quite some time. I don't have another appointment with Dr. Z until March 17, and since I'm rapid cycling... I don't even know if I'm gonna last till March 17 and right now, I don't know if I want to last that long.
When you look at me, you see a girl with light blue eyes, dark brown hair, and you can tell that I cover-up whatever I have inside. But, I'm going to write about all that now because no one leaves me with a choice.
But Spilling About The DREAM:
Cody came and rescued me from my Mother's BITCHING about how Cody hates me and Stacie just wants Cody because they spend 24/7 together (which Cody and Stacie do spend 24/7 together but ...whatever) And Cody took me aside and told me what was really in his heart, which is what I prayed would be all along. It was right around sunrise because it took him all night to get here... there was a light dusting of dew on the ground and it was late September. I could feel it because I felt older, like I had just turned eighteen. Everything was tranquil outside, almost like a storm wiped through the night before and Mother nature was calm after it had rawred it's power. At that point, everything fell into place and I know where my life was going. It was like all my problems melted away and all the pain wasn't felt in vein.
Cody said he loved me and that he was sorry for everything that he put me through... that all he wants is for us to be together because he realized that I'm the one for him because I'm true and real and everything else fine and dandy . He also told me that this is where his promise came in about how everything will be alright. That dream was sureal, and I felt happy until later on today.... which just fucked everything up. I mean, I woke up and had tears coming out of my eyes. It was absolutely unreal; the first dream in a long time that made me happy.
Now, I suppose I have to spill about TODAY:
My Mom has been pressing on me ever since she found out that Stacie went down to Indiana. I've been sitting here telling her that it's not all just a scam against me and everything is in good-fun. But, she's been pressing on me more and more and I'm letting it get to me. I wish I wouldn't but with days like today, it's HARD to believe everything she tells me...
"Shelby your worthless because your friends don't care enough to give you five minutes to call you back."
"Shelby, all Cody ever did to you was lie because he's spending 24/7 with this other girl..."
"Shelby, you need to fucking die because your just a waste of space and your too pure-hearted to live in the 'real world'..."
"Shelby, Stacie is lying to you..."
"Shelby, you know Dyrak and them are just going against you because it's against YOU.... and it is PERSONAL."
"Shelby, no one cares about you and BLAH BLAH BLAH"
"Shelby.."
"Shelby..."
"Shelby..."
Yes, it's more than just slightly upsetting to hear that all day every day, ESPECIALLY TODAY, because they couldn't give me five to call me back. It's upsetting that when you call back, they don't even pick up the phone unless they don't fucking know who it is. And yes, I'm gonna get upset and cry because I shouldn't have to go through a world of trouble for people who say they care about me to call me back.
So, lets move on to spilling about STACIE:
Now, Stacie is my best friend (at least I think, not according to my Mother...) but just, I don't know.
It bothers the hell out of me she gets to spend so much time with Cody and then can't give me five minutes of her time to call me back. It's like their fucking lives are playing out in front of me and all I can do is watch because she's just soo much better than me because I throw titzy fits when they don't even fucking understand what goes on in my life, like today. They probably didn't know what was going on, but Stacie also failed to ask what was going on.
I'm jealous as hell AND I ADMIT THAT. I want to be able to spend time with the man I love but no, she has to spend 24/7 with him because she's not in school. It's almost like I'm just a disadvantaged person. Which, I already know I'm fucking cursed but COME ON. She gets to spend every moment with him and it makes me cry because I CAN'T. Let alone, he prolley doesn't want to spend time with someone who's an emotional wreak over what happens in her life every day, which he could rescue her from but chooses not to.
I'm not mad at Stacie, I just want what she has.... and that's something that I can't have. What makes her so much better than me? What makes the Man I'll always love want to spend all his time with her and not me? She doesn't even love him like I do... and he still wants to run off with her. GOD, she doesn't even realize how much it means to me if he just comes over here for a few minutes... But, NO they have to hang out 24/7 AWAY from me...
I shouldn't only get to be able to see him because she's forcing him to have him come and see me... THAT'S WHY I didn't want to go down to Indiana this weekend. I felt like the only reason I was going down there was because she wanted me to, rather than to have me see Cody because he wants to see me.
Don't I deserve a fucking scrap in life? COME ON...Do I deserve anything at all?
IT BOTHERS ME... but I'm not about to sit here and try to boss people around and what-not. That's something I cannot do. It's their choice and they're not going to understand. It's ripping me apart that she can just walk up there and give him a hug but I can't. It bothers me that I can't just sit there and have a conversation with him and she can. She has everything I want right now and so much more and I can't have it....
I CAN'T... AND IT'S TEARING ME APART!
All I can do is cry because that's all I can do... is just cry and hope the pain of it all goes away. And then, Stacie gets fucking mad at me over shit that she is doing! She gets mad when I get upset because she doesn't call back and I get bitched the fuck out by it from my Mother all day! I know I don't deserve that, but there's nothing else I can do.
Finally, I'll Spill My Heart:
I'm so close to giving up... and tonight just made my giving up move foreward a zillion times. I feel so worthless because that's all that's ever shoved in my face about anything. I'm worthless and all this and all that and just... whatever. I can't take this pain anymore.
What Hurts Most Is To KNOW That Cody Will Not Fight For Me... It's Like He Sits There And Tells Me He Loves Me And He Wants To Be Together But He FLAT OUT REFUSES To Fight For Me, Or Even Want To Spend Time With Me At That...
I can't care about it anymore... it's too much. I can't sit here and just wait for him to want to fight for me because I should be worth it already. He should be fighting for me already but he's not and that's saying something...th
e only thing is, what exactly is that saying?
There's so much more but I'm crying so much right now, I can't even see the screen anymore
~Perhaps, the last entry this Angel Will EVER write...