I think I have figured out a lot of things over the last few months (probably more than I've figured out in a two month chunck of time in a long time)...Ttonight particularly hit me for some reason, I don't really know why. Perhaps it's just my brain beginning to turn on to what adult life is really like.

There's plans for me to be moving out of here within the year. It makes me feel good to actually see that life is going on for me rather that just staying at a constant rate like it has been for the last few years. I mean loads of things have occured, BUT with the exclusion of Dyrak, my whole status as a person has remained unchanged.

I [.x. DON'T .x.] Wanna Do ThIs AnyMorE

Every time it appears as if there is something actually going for me... that's good anyway, it just gets torn away (or something within those lines.)

The most recent of times things along those lines have occured, it's been by OtheR people. I just DON'T fucking understand how someone could just take away someone else's untained happiness. I believe all people have a <3 Heart <3, despite how cold it may be. So why would you take away all the warmth and good that someone else possess?

People have their ups and downs and if someone wants to honestly another in bad shape, all they have to do is wait rather than just wasting their time. It just upsets me to talk about this.... *ANGRY*

However, I can guarantee that if this happens to me again, I will [\\\HUNT///] their fucking ass down and tear their soul out of their ass. I'm not exaggerating here. I will make sure they will suffer the worst hell they have ever been through despite what THEY have gone through.

AND I will make sure all of their loved ones suffer in their name. AND I will do some serious damage physically, emotionally, and mentally. Then, I will simply never think of them again. But, they will remember me for the rest of their lives and always hold the scars that I will so joyfully give.

[&& Baby, I Would Say That I .o. LoVe .o. You..
But, That Doesn't EveN BeGin To Cover It.]

Love is when you miss him
even before he leaves... when you
could listen to him talk all night and
never get tired of hearing his voice
when the sound of his name
sends chills down your spine
and you see his smile
the second you
close your
eyes.

I knew you were something special right from the .[.start.].
I knew it by the way you suddenly [stole my <3 heart <3].
Everything i say is completely true ;;
I wanna spend forever & a lifetime with you

Hold my hand baby, thats what it's meant for because
"I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday"
--The Notebook




I <3 love <3 how we can talk about
anything and never get bored.
I <3 love <3 when you use that smile,
At times where angst has poured.
I <3 love <3 how you know what to say,
Everytime I need you to.
I <3 love <3 everything thing you do,
Almost as much as I <3 love <3 you.

|| your voice ||
it`s the only noise I truly enjoy
Hearing in my life, anymore.
|| your eyes ||
Babe, they are so mystical when
They cast that amazing gaze.
|| your heart ||
It truly loves me for who I am.
& Boy, these make me love you more,
[Each and everyday.]



I'm falling even more in l.o.v.e with you,
Letting go of .x.all .x. I've held on to.
I'm standing here until you make me move.
i'm hanging by a moment here with you <3

When she's with him she [.o. realizes .o.] something ++
That for once she's happy .. and she doesn't have
To pretend to be -
She notices that look she has in her eyes,
And the smile on her face and she
Doesn't want that to go away. _______ <33

You're not the kind of guy that would
Ignore me when you're with your friends,
But [hold me tighter] & .x. kiss .o. me a little
harder, just to make them jealous

[Once you experience <3 love <3,
You never want to live without it again.]

[.x. Hey .x. Everybody .x.]

So What's Up? Well, Actually A WholE LoT Here.



I've Been Sick Lately Because Of My Medications ~Woot~ ...Not Really!

I MiSs My Old Friends... I Have Been Talking To Them More And More Lately So I Am Trying To Fix What I Have Lost Even Though I Know For A Fact That I Cannot Fix Everything.

I Have Sort Of A Retorical (sp?) Question..
Why Do Liars And Cheats Always Win? Seriously, I'm Beginning To Get Sick Of It.

And Why Do People Claim That They're Being Controlled When They're Really Not. Or Why Do People Say That Other People Say Shit When They Really Didn't... Or At Least To Their Face. I'm About Sick Of That Too...

Whatever lolz..

I Got To Go Call Dyrak :-)

[.x. Risen Angel .x.]

So... What To Do Now

I'm really sick today so I don't feel like writing much. Life changing events happened this weekend :-). And lets just say, the future looks extremely bright.

Sometimes I just hate myself... addictions and all. That's all I have to say about that.

The dreams still arn't going away... how nice

So, more to come later
[~.x. Risen Angel .x.~]

[.:HeY EverybodY:.]

So, why would I waste [.people's.] time trying to make them feel guilty when they feel [.:Absolutely:.] NothinG at all? Exactly... that's what I thought. There's not even a point to it :-D. Oh wait, let me rephrase, feel nothing unless they're having sex. Oh wait a minute, I change my mind because that apparently doesn't even mean anything either.

Why would I try to have them "stoop" to my level when their already below my "level" already? Exactly.. that's what I thought too. Just, whatever... why waste my time writing about it LOL.

It's so sad when you find self-sacrificing people in society and all the people they care about most do is rip them up to pieces... What the hell is this world turning into? I mean, you gave your heart and soul to someone and all of a sudden, it's all a play-game with their heart. Unfortunately, this is how people reach their downfall and are unable to return. I can honestly say that although I have suffered greatly, I am now healed from the terror that was in my life every single day.

But TheY on the other hand, got exactly what they wanted...

[.:So, What Else Is Going On?:.]

DyraK, otherwise known as my :-D Husband :-D is coming up here for the entire weekend. All I can say is Woot, Woot! We're so on cloud 9! But more about DyraK Later...

The DreamS are still returning worse than ever... except someone who I really want to die did die in one of them so that was good but besides the it just went to shit...

[~.x. Risen Angel.x.~]

And Now...This Girl Has Been There Absolute Terror

Yeah, I was attacked, again. Sometimes I absolutely HATE being me. Lets just say it was over the course of two days and I was with three friends over that period of time, you know? And just... RAWR!

Without going into too much detail, basically he tried to make out with me and put his hands down my pants and all this other fucking bullshit. So I pushed him away and told him no about a thousand million times "NO" then I told my friends to get him off of me because I have a boyfriend then I just called up Dyrak and has him talk to Matt (His friend, not him) and after that it was somewhat taken care of.

Basically I concluded that me and this guy are NO LOGNER friends and it's going to stay that way forever. I can admit that he apologized to me but as of right now I'm too upset for that to really be any good.

The Nightmares Have Returned... In MANIC Mode

I had three terrible nightmares last night about Dyrak and Cody... Yeah, My Cody nightmares are coming back once again. Everyone I know is in them and I barely slept last night. I was supposed to take my medications but I didn't and that's probably why I was dreaming so vivaciously. I truly hope they end because I was about to scream with last night's ones. They reveal my true fears and my true desires at the same time. It's so hard to have everything you hate of yourself and everything you love be reunited in one big pandemoic (sp?) mess.

And I would like to add, it's ESPECIALLY because Cody is in them. Stephani know's what I'm talking about... we have talked about the Cody nightmares time and time again. But, mine arn't the same... it's weird to talk about on here.

And Now, She Looks Back On The Past...

I suppose things are going extremely well for me. I thought my life was over because I discovered that the last two years of my life have been nothing but lies. A lot of people betrayed me (even those I was desperarely in love with) and I was betraying myself into believing that the life I was living was even real.

When I found out it was all a lie, my heart dropped to the floor knowing that I had given so much and devoted so much to something and someone that wasn't even real. How could I have been so blind to not know what was going on? I began to cry the moment I realized it was all fake because my mended heart was shattered and my everything was in vein... I was in vein.

I lost so much for it and it was all in vein. I lost myself to something vein and it hurts. It still hurts today even though Dyrak healed my heart. I admit, I love that man absolutely to death and I wish I could give him all the things that I've already given away to, again, something not even real.

You have absolutely no idea, Dyrak deserves it more than anyone I have known or ever will know. Why can't I just go back in time and fix everything? Why can't I look back and know the future, know I was going to be betrayed, and change the whole course of my life? That's something I think about every day... it is constantly on my mind because it's simply my inner most desire.

He deserves everything because it's so real that it's just simply the most blunt thing you will ever see. It's real and it's extremely rare because nothing is hardly even real in this world anymore. God, I wish... I wish... I wish. It's just, God Dyrak and I are just Peas and Carrots. It's amazing to find someone like him and I'm surprised he wasn't taken when he asked me out. A lot of the time, I feel like he could get so much better than me because only the best deserve someone like him (and I'm far from the best).

And This Weekend...

I'm extremely busy because Matt and Pat are coming over tomorrow. Along with that fact that Dyrak is coming up this weekend and Tasha, Dyrak, and I are going to hang out. Along with the fact, I have to work this weekend AND I have BCGC on Monday (I believe). My Mom also said she would take Dyrak back on Monday. I am going to ask the one thing I never I thought I would ask my Mom but shes been weirdly nice lately so yeah.

MorE TO ComE LateR

Sometimes, I wish it was all real just so I would know that my whole life wasn't in vein and my mind wasn't being absolutely fooled (for the lack of a better word) to this. Just, Jesus fucking Christ, what am I supposed to think?

And Now, She's About To Set A Record...

...Write An Entry In Fifteen Or Less :-D

So... What To Write About?

I Think I will for-go the bitter comments :-)

The Final Answer To Everything In Her Heart..

"When I Thought These Wounds Wouldn't Heal,
And The Pain Was Just Too Real..
There Was Too Much That Time Couldn't Erase."
The Darkness Surrounded Her
And No One Was There To Save Her,
Nothing Was There For Remedy.
She Begged For Mercy As Her Heart Gushed Blood,
And Her Soul Torn Into Shreds...
Did She Deserve This Torment?
She Layed Here Tonight,
As She Did Many Nights..
Simply Just Wishing Her Life Away.
And Just When She Believed All Else Failed,
A Light Was Shown Through All The Darkness,
And She Was Rescued From It ALL
Her Heart Was Healed,
And Her Soul Replenished,
From All The Suffering That It Endured,
All The Days Of Her Life.

That Is Now How I Feel About Strings :-)

And She’s So Confuzingly Happy That She’s About To Pee Her Pants...

Hey Everybody~

I came up with that one myself . Lol.. Tomorrow will be Sunday which means it’s JUDGEMENT DAY once again! All I can say about that is Woot, Woot! I get to see Dyrak and just… it completely rocks my socks. I did end up going to bed a bit later than usual last night but it’s all cool. I talked to Dyrak most of the night and we talked about a lot of stuff. It appears as if I’m talking to Dyrak a lot lately. But in all reality, that’s completely fine with me.

AND SHE WAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF MORE THAN...

Well, lets just say I had to investigate something last night and today. Something really bad happened at work and it totally sucked. I think I’m gonna get fired because I was literally unable to function.

Let’s just say that Chad, JR, and I were burning incense in the Men’s Bathroom after the dining room closed. No you perverts, that’s nothing sexual. Katie was going to come with us but Jordan and her are fighting about drugs and what-not. Turns out it was laced with Oxycotton *sp?* For those uneducated out there, it’s synthetic heroin. My friend told me today. They also told me it COULD have been Zanex because he was passing them out at work yesterday… but according to rumor it was the first one. But it was definitely one of the two according to her because she heard JR talking about it.

Yeah, something completely serious… I almost overdosed. If I would have went to the hospital I bet you Dyrak would have come up here and they would have him to deal with LOL. I felt like my mind was fucking exploding and that I was going to have a heart attack. I was totally COULD NOT function at WORK and the sad thing is, JR fucking decided NOT to tell me that it was laced with an entire thing of it. He just told me it was a cheap blunt. So I thought nothing of it… Well, now I know better.

Lets just say that JR is going to get his fucking ass kicked and even more so, KILLED tomorrow. Especially if I get fired over this! He should NOT of done that especially since I HAVE NOT repeated HAVE NOT done ANYTHING besides smoked pot. I have before but I’m reluctant to do it again after that.

THE LOVE IN MY HEART IS ALL I CAN GIVE…:

[Love Is When Imagination Triumphs Over Intelligence…]

That is soo classic; secretively, my Imagination has overpowered my Intelligence. But, like I said before, that’s all a secret for now. *Laughs* Well, not really. I suppose the cat has let itself out of the bag .

I can honestly say that I’ve never had a relationship like this before. With exception to yesterday because particular events occurred with me (having nothing to do with Dyrak of course,) we have talked non-stop for hours about everything. It’s really weird because he’s actually interested in what I have to say and it’s like…. The standards I set for myself when I was younger actually do exist (despite my train of thoughts in the last year or so.)

I really do wish I would have met him way back in September of 2004. A lot in both of our lives could have been prevented. Imagine, I may have went out with Cody for a while but I can say that "Coy", Kevin, Scott.. NONE of that would of happened. I would have been going out with him a WHILE ago and just everyone’s lives would have turned out SO much better. That’s a fact I can almost guarantee. Of course, I say this because it’s just simply fate that it happened. It was going to happen no matter what it was just only a matter of time. I am extremely glad that I made the right choice.

HER MIND IS TAKING A TOLL ON HER BODY:

I can honestly say there have been very few points in my life were I have been this happy. I’m fairly sure that Dr. Z will say I am making rapid progress. However, I don’t have to take the serious medications that he once thought I had to take… even when I am in my lowest state. However, I do have to take more medications than before. Now I think I have to take two or three… more like Dezzmundd because I’m more like him but less serious. In other words, there are more transmitters in my brain that are on than his… it’s honestly quite funny. A few of the medications they were talking about even have no side effects. So that makes me extremely happy. I guess I get to find all that out today!

AND SOME MEMORIES HAUNT YOU FOREVER:

So yeah, lots of memories about "you know who" have been coming up lately. I made a long entry about it a while ago because I feel like everything about it was just murdered by what I did. But, the thing is thats totally not what happened... and I thank those who opened my eyes to that.

Well, there is something I concluded about .x. You .x. , My Dear…

[I hate the way you make me feel
The lies you fed to me
Once, long ago…
I was so full of hope
But, now I've finally begun to see
So let me make it on my own
Just leave without a goodbye
Maybe one day you'll understand
Why you make me want to die
I'll try my hardest to be done with this
The end is long overdue
I've come to realize that what I hate
Is the fact that I can't hate you at all]

That kind of sounds like it’s from Ten Things I Hate About You but I have that memorized and it’s not.

A main thing is people trying to test my limits… I’ve been a pushover and my moods on ET lately because I want the memories to be taken, I don’t need them. I will be strong, I will not be mauled, I will keep faith, sometimes hope is not the un-ultimate SHYT and most of all, I WILL NOT be controlled in ANY aspect. I have been controlled before by numerous different individuals to extents that are really NOT awesome so I will not allow that.

Personally, I think it’s hilarious the thought would even go through some of these people’s minds because they’ve done nothing but try to destroy me. They can take everything back because it’s not even something I want. It’s insane because I said it wasn’t happening and apparently these people don’t think I’m serious. Well, I’ve stuck to my word so far about that so why not keep doing that. At this point in time, nothing is going to change in that genre because I have everything I want directly in front of me. As for the rest of the things, I will just throw a shoe at it, Yes, I labeled it it, and that’s in a literal aspect.

AND NOW… SHE SEES MALICE CLEAR AS DAY:

According to a different Her, the same thing was said in addition to the Original Her along with numerous other things (from the Original Her). Some of these things are parallel and other things just came from simple experience and observation. There not really assumptions because those are just made off thinking things exist but with this, a hypothesis was made and actually sought through with actions that have been done over the months and years that this idea was experimented with in the first place.

So, a lot has occurred the last few weeks. It’s like a year of someone else’s life is just seven days of mine…. My drama is 52 x as bad as theirs which sometimes is a blessing because it makes me a stronger person. As of now, I can see malice clear as day and in instincts grow stronger as each day passes. I think this will help me immensely as I grow older and I thank God every day for just simply being alive, despite the circumstances. However, this is more of a lately thing because I’m starting to straighten out to where I was before rather than go down a worthless path of existence.

I’m growing as a person and in a lat of cases; I have Shelley and Dr. Z to thank for that. They have been there since April to help me out and I’m glad that I’ve had to the chance to be able to make progress and rebuild rather than just fall and remain forever. They gave me the chance to be able to help myself when I needed an escape because I could not help myself.

Sometimes I`ll look at you & wonder if you ever look at me.
Sometimes I`ll think of you & wonder if you ever think of me.
Sometimes I`ll remember how I fell in love with you & wonder
if you ever really [.:loved:.] me..</3

</3 Uh Wait... NO </3

Savin' Me

Nickelback

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Hurry I'm fallin'

And...

The suspense is KILLING her. Her heart lept out of her chest and she just fainted on site. She cried in happiness knowing that one time in her life things wouldn't go the typical way for good and a new-refreshing start was upon her full of happy and loving moments that will remain in her heart forever

And She's Taken In Once Again...

Apparently, I'm taken by [patrick.]...

What Should She Do...?

I picked through the garbage (which I know is nasty... it was just papers and what-not though) and found the phone number to

[.:Dyraks:.]

House...

Should I Call Or Should I Not?
I Had An Answer.. But I Forgot.

I know... Stupid Rhyme. I think I'll decide in the next half hour or so though for real... </3

The Most Broken Non-Existent Heart That Will EVER Exist

And When She Was So Close To Death, They Came And Brought Her To Life...

Man, I wish that was [.:Only:.] true... </3.

I had to drive my Mom to the emergency room last night and was there overnight because she was having a lot of problems and they called in a surgen and all this other shit. I suppose that was her glory lol....

Mine was actually a few days ago when Mom took me for a nice visit to Shelley and Dr. Z. , it wasn't pretty. I broke down and started balling after I explained everything (partly against my will) and I spoke of the one thing that you NEVER EVER speak of in that place [.:Suicide:.] That was a fucking huge mistake on my part because everyone went crazy. So yeah, that was totally not cool especially since they got into my digital camera and saw the bad photos I took of bad things and me. Not much to really say there...

And Unfortunately..

I Do [..NOT..] Feel Better. As A Matter Of Fact, I Feel [..WORSE..]

[.+. NOT .+.] That ANYONE Cares In The First Place...



I Feel As Though My [</3 Heart </3] No Longer [</3 Exists </3]

I [**CANNOT**] Continue To Live Like I Am... The Pain Is [**EXCRUCIATING**]. Yet, I [**CANNOT**] Leave This State Of Pain... Perhaps The Most Horrible Thing Of All Is That I'm Not Even Strong Enough To Have Someone Rescue Me Anymore...</3



I'm Still Full Of [.x. ANGER .x.] And All Out [.x. DISGUST .x.] About More Things Than EveR..

I [...lost...] The Phone Number For Dyrak's House, So Even If I Did WanT To Call At ThiS ParticulaR MomenT, I COULDN'T

And She Pleads With The Creator Himself...

God, I asked you last night to slit my throat. I asked you to just take my life away so I wouldn't have to wake up this morning realizing that I lost everything I had. God, I can't live through another day like this. I'm in constant agony with everything around me. Everything I want and everything I dream of is ALWAYS destroyed one way or another. My happiness is always taken away, even if I'm BEGGING for MERCY.

I can't live like that anymore.. I feel as though I'm at constant battle and I'm loosing terribly. People's lives go from good to bad, but mine always goes from bad to worse. COME ON, you know this Lord and you still push things to be so terrible for me. Especially now with this weekend coming up and what comes along with that, that might possibly be the worst thing that came along so far.

Why are you all for saving people when all I see is despair all around me? My world is black and there are very few things that even light it up the least little bit. And even when those things come along, everything else has to just destroy it and ruin everything for me. I'm not saying no one else deserves happiness Lord, I'm saying that everyone deserves happiness, not only a select few.

I asked you to not put pain upon those who would feel pain (not that there would be many anyway...) I asked you to make sure those who I said were taken care of in any way possible. I asked that you made it quick and that there were no strings attached.

The final thing I asked was that if you didn't grant this [.:one:.] request that I think everyone would benefit from, that you make my heart stone so I never have to feel another thing again. I don't want to feel anymore and I want to stop crying. I want to be dead... a robot... nothing. I don't even know if I want to go to Heaven, I just want to never feel anything again...

Based upon it all, I don't understand why it hasn't been done already. I've been asking for so long that I'm loosing hope as to what is going to happen anymore. I've been PLEADING WITH YOU to just PLEASE grant my request because otherwise I'm going to have to either do it myself or hire my own hitman.

I'm being serious, I need for this to happen and I'm asking you to do it because you have the right to end it since you created it in the first place. I really don't have the rights to be taking my life away because I didn't create my life... but if you can't help me out this one last time, I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands.

You know I already have scars Lord... that no one will ever see. Those scars are never going to heal. And each time I create them, I hope they just hit the right place and my body just ends up looking like I dove into a bathrub full of knives...

And yes, I am worthless. I have no heart because it's been blended to shreds, I have no soul because it's been stripped away, and my body is decaying at an exponential rate. I have nothing left, I'm just a waste... a worthless piece of trash to be cast aside on the street. I'm so fucking worthless that it's not even funny. What have I even got going for me? I may have academics but that's decaying too because you fucking turned me into the one who fails. What am I gonna do? Go to college and get a degree? Then what, get a job that makes me unhappy and have everyone backstab me and betray me for the rest of my life.

I've been crying for hours Lord... if life consists of this forever, which from what I have seen it has, I WANT TO DIE! I WANT IT TO END! And it's FUCKING PISSING ME OFF, that you can sit there and think you can cause me all this misery without choice of my own free will (because it's never-ending) and just laugh in my face. Look everyone, God himself is laughing in my face because he's enjoying watching me suffer. Look everyone, I'm sitting here and have barely slept in 48 hours and want to die more and more as each second passes.

I think I am going to stab my eyeballs out so I don't have to go to school...

</3 ...The Waste Of Space You Created... </3

[All Hail The </3 HeartBreaker </3]

Congratuations To The One Who Feels As Though Her Life Was Just [.:Ripped:.] Away..

Oh Wait Guys, It WAS [.:Ripped:.] Away From Me...The Most Unfantastic Person you will EVER Meet, I Can Guarantee It...

By One Of The People I Cared About Most...

I Truly Hope Everyone Is Happy, Because That's Always Been My First Concern :-) As Long As Everyone Else Is Happy, Then...

I Have NOTHING Else To Say....</3

I Can't Even Write Right Now...
I Need To Go + Stab + My Eyeballs Out Or Something

One Of The Best Possible Notes Anyone Can Ever Recieve...

I was upstairs reading A Separate Peace and I thought about getting on the Computer and talking to Dyrak. God, a shiver just went down my fucking spine. It wasn't like a scared shiver or like a nervous shiver. Rather, it was an excited and happy shiver lol. Look at me, I'm analyzing how my spine shivers... wow, this is something I have never felt before.

I can honestly say that Dyrak is one of the only people that can even make me happy, despite everyone's feeble attempts lol. Just because I'm not crying doesn't mean I'm not okay people lol. Every time I even think about Dyrak I just get a smile and I was sooo relieved.

There is someone I can rely on that's actually true and not just an asshole freak lol 'cause I've met more than plenty of those. He's such a great guy and I feel totally lucky to have him [.:That Means Stay Away People:.] LOL. He treats girls nothing but how they should be treated and more... and just OMG, I could go on FOREVER!

And every time I talk to him just everything melts away and all the anger and despair just leave me. It's like he's just taking it all away and putting it somewhere where it can never be found again. I mean, he's not taking it for himself but he's just taking it away from me. He honestly makes me feel like I'm more than I actually am. Like I feel like a Pink Princess whenever I'm around him even though I know I'm not lol.

I showed Britt his picture and she thought he was totally hott lol. I was like, "that's the most bluntly obvious thing I have ever heard in my entire life". It was fucking hillarious. Then, Britt and I sat there and talked for the next half hour about Dyrak and then we talked about what's his face lol. It was pretty sad that I wasn't even paying attention through half of it (well, undivided attention lol) because my mind went totally manic at that moment.

Then she wished it all the best and burned the secret little notebook we had about Cookies and Scooby~Doo lol. Because after all, Scooby~Doo + Cookies = Scooby~Doo Snacks LOL. And I don't give a shit what anyone that even knows what I'm talking about says, I know it's true. That's truly NOT funny but it's all good in the end I suppose. We made a new notebook and right now it's our Choir notebook but I'm pretty sure we'll have something else later on lol.

She gave me photos of the buring and I will cherish them forever :-D. Each time a notebook is burned, it signifies the ending of those memories and when a new notebook is created, it signified the beginning of another step within life that's dramatic and imperative to the total picture (for those of you who are lost... lol)

As a matter of fact, I told Brittany I hope we go through numerous different names besides Choir that all mean the same thing. Each name signifies a step taken on the path of like... life I suppose lol. It's hard to explain without actually knowing what these notebooks are lol.

In <normal> people terms lol, it simply means that you want the person with that particular name to stay around for a very long time... and that's an amazing thing.

I was trying to write this and half of it got deleted so I have to start over again...

So, like I said in my other entry I can see so many things between Dyrak and I happening but I'm not sure whether they will happen or not. I really hope a lot of the things I see happen because their the best things anyone could ever recieve.

I can see all of this just thinking about it throughout the day, daydreaming about it, and dreaming while I'm asleep (which is something I don't do much of anymore lol). I suppose all the lines of thinking LOL.

I guess I'm holding myself back because I'm scared to let my guard down and just say what I want to say, just say those [...ThreE LittlE WordS...] that change everyone's world forever. I mean, what will happen after that? What's going to completely change and what's going to remain? Does he feel the same way? WOW, I'm going insane LOL.

Doing that will only tell and being perfectly honest, that's the scariest thing I can even think about doing. I'm not saying that I'm gonna get hurt by Dyrak or anything along those lines, I'm just saying I don't know what is going to happen... and that alone fills my mind to no end lol.



[.:More To Come Later:.]

And Tonight, Everything Changes...

I think someone just won the title of the most heartless person I will ever know. It's pretty sad because I've known so many people that are just terrible and nothing tops this one off. It's almost as if they have no heart at all and the blood is just circulating through their body. Or, their heart is non-existant which is pretty sad because I've heard it beat so many times... but it must have all been imagnary because it's not even there. That alone, is a fact above all else.

How can someone just not care to that extent? Even if I loathed someone, which at this point I don't feel that way about anyone... I would come to their aid if they were begging for mercy. I can't be that aweful to anyone but apparently, one person can and that bothers me. I wish it didn't, but it does.

I've been asking myself how someone can be that heartless all day. It's almost an impossible concept for me to meet someone with absolutely no heart at all. I mean, I've known people who are selfish and rude and even just worthless beings but even those people care when everything is on a string.

But, this person doesn't and that made me cry. It's made me cry so many times that it's not even funny because I can't help them... and they'll never helped me, even when I desperately needed their aid. And being that weak, it causes control to take a factor. I can be controlled to the greatest extent, and although I'm ashamed to admit it, it's something I must do because it's the truth... and therefore will come out no matter what happens.

Do I want this control to be there, no. But, obviously that is something that's out of my control right now. This simply means that construction will be impossible if demolish happens once again. Right now, I have a feeling this this "demolish" is going to happen very soon and I fear it, I pray that if one wish be granted, I will be able to contruct once again and be able to face adversity without being at such weakness. Because if I'm weak, I might not be able to face it at all...

Which, being unable to face it would simply mean dying by one mean or another. Which, in this persons eyes would be a benefit because I would no longer get in their way. However, in another persons eyes... it would be the end of the world. Would it be extremely selfish, yes... which is why I don't want that to happen.

But then again, it would be unselfish to the most heartless person on the face of the Earth? That's also a yes... but in my eyes, I want this person to suffer as they have made me suffer. Which, is something extremely rare on my part because I never seriously want anyone to be hurt but this person deserves it. I'm sorry, I can't hold back the truth. They deserve nothing less...

And I don't even understand why I feel horrible saying they deserve pain. They made me the happiest I was in my life and then ripped my fucking heart out and just laughed in my face about it. Oh wait, I think they took it back and then put it in a blender to destroy something completely that was pretty much destroyed already and then threw the contents of the blender in my face then hopped around me laughing. Woohoo...

This is a fantastic entry... </3

The [..::Dying::..] Promise...

Looks like I did something that's been long awaited for. I went to the cemetary a couple of days ago for the first time.. it's been almost a year since my Grandmother died and I was too afraid to go to the cemetary and all.

We cleaned up the grave and my Mom and I talked about her for a while and then my Mom went to see my Great Grandmother's grave and all the other people I don't know who they are... which are on the other side of the cemetary.

I finally walked up and said something along the lines of:

"I'm sorry that it didn't happen Grandma. I tried my hardest and I gave it all I had but in the end, it didn't even matter. It feels like all lies and just... I don't know what to do anymore. You know what's going on more than I do and I wish everything woulda been okay a long time ago."

"I know you really wanted to talk to him before you died and tell him to take care of me as my husband...and that we were meant to be together because our lives just didn't fit together any other way... and that our kids would be beautiful... and how you wished you could see them..."

"I also know you asked me to be patient with him because you knew we would face trmendous Adversities on the way to the light at the end of the tunnel... and just, I don't want you to think that I'm running away from it or anything because I'm not..."

"Grandma, he turned his back on me and I don't wanna betray you by just shutting it all up forever but what else am I going to do? I gave him everything I had and if I woulda continued with this, I wouldn't of even been able to rebuild myself. You know that I've had to go to Shelley and the Doctor about all this stuff and I've been making progress. I wanted to follow your wishes but I just couldn't anymore. I'm sorry I broke the promise between us..."

"I just hope you understand that he ran out on me when I was at my weakest moments... and even now, I stand here wondering where it all went wrong. But like I said, I'm locking all that up and it's going in the garbage because none of it even mattered to him in the first place. I wish it did to at least say that my first love wasn't just purely broken-hearted but I can't. Sometimes life throws weird things at you."

"I will always be fucking pissed at him for all the things he said and did but even then, I can't stop feeling. I can control what I do with those feelings though and what I'm doing is throwing it all away forever... forever."

["But, I just wish you could have met my Knight in Shining Armour. He's the person that I've been waiting for for a long time and just... : ' ( . You know how I feel about him and I know how I feel about him. I just wish I could tell him because nothing should be left unsaid. I knew you had to leave some things unsaid but just...He's amazing and maybe he's the one you were talking about all along even though you meant Cody. I mean it's a little soon to be thinking about "meant to be" and like thirty years from now... But I guess I won't know that for a while... will I?"]

I was angry... I just wanted to take my heart and rip it out so I wouldn't have to feel pain anymore... or never feel anything.

I wanted to take it and throw it in Cody's face so he could see what he really did to me up close and personal... something that would really affect him because words obviously did nothing...

After a while, I was just balling my fucking eyes out and I felt a release in it all... like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders because of just, everything. I fell to the ground and I just had to come home after that. It was too much to handle...

On the way home, I was thinking why I just felt a release after being so angry and I thought maybe she came to me and just took it all back because none of this stuff between Cody and I was probably even true in the first place. I think she heard what I said about Dyrak and gave me strength to rebuild myself and live on because perhaps we all made a mistake and this is who this wish was truly meant for in the first place.

Right now, I really hope that's the case because I can see it. I'm not like saying it WILL happen or I'm even remotely sure it will happen. I'm just saying I can imagine it and I've seen it in my little unrealisitic world called dreams lol.

More to come later,
~Angel